Berkeley Parents Network: Christmas and Jewish Families

Berkeley Parents Network

Christmas and Jewish Families

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Holidays and Special Events > Christmas and Jewish Families

Santa & Jewish Kids

As long as people are contributing their stories about how to explain Santa to children who celebrate Xmas, I would love to hear from Jewish parents about how we might explain this pervasive, jolly character to our children who celebrate a very different kind of holiday. (Actually, I would enjoy hearing from ANY parents who don't celebrate Xmas and how they handle this). Gail

This wasn't an issue at my house- at age 2.5, I decided that daddy was Santa Claus, and affirmed the fact with my mother... hence, I have no recollection of "believing in Santa Claus". However, we did use Santa Claus in an abstract manner, ie to give additional gifts, usually something that wasn't as personal as a gift from Mom or Dad (or siblings, grandparents, whatever) might be- for example, we always had stockings, and those were filled by "Santa Claus". Santa Claus might bring a new bathrobe or a stuffed animal, etc- something nice to have but not necessarily the most wanted item. To me, Santa Claus is basically a way to give someone something and remain anonymous, such as the gifts collected for children in disadvantaged families, etc... it's a way of giving with no interest in receiving something in return, if that makes any sense. A symbol of good will. In any event, the birth of Christ was the primary focus in my family, so St. Nicolaus was a bit of a side-liner. Naomi

Growing up Chinese-American, I always felt partly Jewish (if you understand, you understand; if you don't don't worry about it). Anyway, Santa Claus is about as foreign to Chinese culture (even Chinese Christian culture) as it is to Jewish culture. As a kid, it never occurred to me that I should "believe in" Santa Claus any more than I should "believe in" Captain Kangaroo or Winnie the Pooh. That is, I enjoyed the fiction as fiction, just as I enjoyed storybooks. Sometimes people say that not giving kids the chance to believe in Santa Claus impoverishes their imaginative life, but that wasn't my experience at all -- not needing it to be real meant that I could let the imagination go even more freely. I remember writing a story about how Santa was able to get everywhere in one night. I think it was the very first time I ever tried to write a story and I remember how much I enjoyed the creative process of doing it. If Santa was constrained in my mind to be "real", I'd have been worried about figuring out what the Truth was -- even little kidlets care about the Truth! :) -- and I wouldn't have been able to imagine as freely as I did. So, both as a kid and as a grown-up, I always appreciated having had the opportunity to enjoy Santa for what he truly is, i.e. a jolly story. Christianity didn't have a lot to do with it. (Hm- if I don't stop writing now, I might start into an essay on the independence of christian faith from the cultures it takes root in, which I don't want to inflict on you :) so I'll stop here.) Joyce

I always told my son that Santa Claus was a story, and not true, once he had heard about it, but told him that it was a secret we couldn't tell others. I haven't brought it up with my younger daughter yet, because she doesn't know about it at all, but I will soon. My reasoning was two-fold. First, I never believed in Santa (or the easter bunny, for that matter) so it didn't seem like a necessary thing to me. Second, the story is that Santa gives gifts to good children. My son would not be getting anything from Santa. Ergo. . . This was a message I certainly wanted to avoid.

Warning: I have had other people criticize me for not letting my children believe in Santa. They say children should have the opportunity to be spoiled with gifts. Whether or not I agree with this, the issue is moot as we celebrate all 8 nights of Hanukah (each family member has 2 nights to **give** gifts to the family, and I make sure grandparent gifts get given to the giver!) and my sons birthday is in December -- quite enough gifts for anyone! They also say it will make my kids different from the rest of society. Well, they're different anyway. There's also the line that if you don't believe in Santa, you won't be as imaginative. Well, these people should read the stories my son writes! (We wrote one together that is of publishable quality, according to a librarian who reviews books for publishers) Also, my son's teacher, when discussing another topic, said she noted a difference in creativity more linked to whether a child watched a lot of television (these kids were the less creative), so avoiding all those Santa Claus television specials should only be a help!

So do what feels right. I can't imagine your children will resent your telling them the truth on this issue. Wendy

As for how to deal with Christmas when you aren't Christian, we always make a big deal about Hannukah. In fact, this was a way that we dealt with the holidays after my husband's death. I know my daughter asked at some point for a Christmas tree, but I explained that it wasn't part of our traditions and as she got older, why it wasn't. Granted she does get a bit of both worlds as my in-laws celebrate Christmas and send cards and presents. However, she usually opens them when they arrive and doesn't wait, as why should she. Plus we often get invited to friends houses for the day. Our other tradition is that we always go to the movies either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. I always thought it was Jewish tradition that this is what you did on Christmas.

I do have a funny story on this topic. I read this true story in the Metropolitan Diary column in the New York Times one Sunday. A Jewish family's babysitter insisted on taking the daughter in the family to see Santa Claus at the local mall. The mother was reluctant to allow it, but finally reneged. When Santa had the girl on his lap he asked her the usual "And what would you like for Christmas little girl?" The girl replied "I'm Jewish. We celebrate Hannukah at our house." To which Santa whispered "That's ok. My wife is Jewish." Debbie

About being Jewish and acknowledging Christmas: My family celebrated both Hanukah and Christmas, which I think was wise. It kept us from being isolated from the majority of kids, and added to the fun. I don't remember when I stopped believing in Santa or even whether I ever did. Somehow all that stuff works out fine, if you're just natural about it and don't stress. My daughter is 4-1/2, and is remarkably aware, I think, of what pretending is, so fantasies about Halloween, Christmas, and other holidays aren't such bubbles, just fun. Nancy

Last year there was a whole long discussion on this on soc.culture.jewish.parenting If you go to http://www.dejanews.com/ and do a search for the thread "Christmas Coping" you'll get treated to a great discussion.

My basic attitude is to be as positive and exaggerated about our holidays and traditions and to just not make a big deal, either positively or negatively, about non-Jewish holidays. The problem for Jewish parents with the Santa myth is the part about Santa delivering gifts to "all" good girls and boys (one awful response I read, I think, in the thread above, is that Santa only goes to Christian houses because Christian parents can't afford the gifts and Jewish parents can, UGH!) If we tell our kids the truth, which I intend to do, then if they turn around and tell they're Christian friends we are accused of "spoiling" things for them. Not a fair position to be in, IMHO. It would be much easier if "all" weren't part of the myth. I'm not sure what parents do with older siblings who've discovered there's no tooth fairy. I guess some kids can understand and play along while others can't. In any case, if a parent chooses to tell the myth to their children it should be their burden to explain, in an acceptable way, that Santa is wonderful, but not necessarily universal. Sophie

My husband is Christian and I'm Jewish. We have celebrated both Christmas and Chanukkah in our house, but I believe that Judiasm is not compatible with Christianity as Jewish people do not accept Jesus as the Messiah. I do not know how to reconcile this contradiction in the future, except to raise him as Jewish (my first inclination). Could other parents of this type of background comment. And, I respect both religions as being part of a continuum, the Judeo-Christian background.

I want to bring up celebrating Christmas and Hannukah in non-religious families. My children's father is Jewish but he doesn't go to temple (his parents go once or twice a year.) I was brought up in a very religious Christian family but I do not practice Christianity myself. When our kids were small, we celebrated both Christmas and Hannukah. What I discovered is that my kids learned a lot about the secular Christmas - Santa, Frosty, Rudolf, etc. - from school and TV and friends, but they knew almost nothing about why Christmas is such an important Christian holiday. All references to Christianity were carefully avoided in school. As to Hannukuh, they learned about dreidels and latkes in school and got the general mistaken impression that Hannukah is a major Jewish holiday equivalent to the Christian holiday of Christmas. Though we all have always enjoyed the festivity of Hannukah candles and Christmas tree and Santa, and continue to do so, it was important to me to make sure my kids also knew about the religious meaning of both holidays, and the cultural significance of why we celebrate them.

So, my take on this is that the Christmas season has come to be a kind of general purpose non-religious children's holiday in terms of school and TV land, but parents who want to preserve their own cultural and religious heritage will need to see to this themselves. I don't think this is a bad thing, and certainly it's much better than assuming that everyone in the classroom is going to be celebrating Christmas, as was the case when I was a kid. But we non-practicing parents do need to be aware, I think, that our kids are not going to grasp the significance of Christmas or Hannukah or any other religious holidays without some instruction from us.

I'm also Jewish (non-practicing but with European parents 3 blocks away who lived through WWII) and am married to a non-practicing Catholic, and we have two children who think of themselves as Jewish (they know that in the Jewish faith if the mother is Jewish, the kids are Jewish). We celebrate Christmas and Chanukah, and try to make them both special family holidays and lots of fun, without emphasizing the religious aspects. We've had to answer numerous questions about Jesus, and I simply tell them that he was a very special man who cared about people a lot, and died for it (as did Martin Luther King), and that he actually was Jewish. I explain that Christians believe that he was the son of God, and started a new religion around that belief, and Jews just think he was a good man and kept to the old religion. I stress that no one knows what theory is correct, but that all religions teach about being good people and helping others, and that's the important thing to remember. I am equally unopinionated about whether Santa or the tooth fairy exist, they might and they might not, same for ghosts and spirits and fairies. All things are possible, and as they get older, they will make up their own minds. They seem to enjoy this "anything is possible" attitude. Its a tough call and I sometimes think I'm not doing the right thing by leaving everything so open and vague, but in many ways, its what I actually believe. Helen

I am Jewish and my husband is not. When we were first together (early 1970's, we were just out of college), religious practices seemed unimportant. I did my thing at Hillel sometimes or made a seder and he did nothing. As I got older, even before our children were born, I began to realze that it would be almost imposssible for me not to have a Jewish family life. At the same time, I love my in-laws, they have wonderful rich traditions, and my husband's growing up with his family (including their church, their Christmas) formed the man I loved.

Over the years, I have come to some idiosyncratic views about being Jewish in December. In the end, years of discussion later (but with no conflict) we have a Jewish family. We don't celebrate Christmas ourselves at all. However, we always make my husband's grandmother's Christmas cookies, I send cards (the kind that don't mention Christmas graphically or in the text), I put the cards we receive around the fireplace, and for many years (before we moved) we helped friends decorate their tree. I always told my children that Santa is part of the Christmas celebration that we don't do, and that Santa is really a regular person dressed up. My husband used to tell them a story about how he recognized his dad in the Santa suit. I also always told my children (when their friends were young enough to believe) that the Santa story was a treat for some kids, and that they would be disappointed if they found out Santa was someone dressed up. We give money to the Salvation Army Santas and we give toys to Toys for Tots.

On the other hand, there is something great about waking up to all those presents! So, I do it on their birthdays. They always wake up early, the presents are wrapped up, they always wait until their siblings are up (amazing to me their patience) and then they open them all, just like I always imagine people do on Christmas.

We don't do presents for Chanukah (chocolate gelt aside and occasional hand-made things from school). But I make latkes until I can't stand the smell, we light candles, sing, etc. I try hard not to make Chanukah (a minor holiday, after all) into a Chrismas competitor. One of the things I've come to do is to try to teach my children about Christmas as a religious holiday. (Here's where I part company with the organized Jewish community.) I'd rather the schools did nativity scenes and real Christmas carols (and Jewish families could share Passover, for example) than Santa and reindeer and presents. Christmas is profoundly important to my in-laws and for many people. It has deep religious, spiritual meaning. I really believe that the other stuff is also part of Christmas (that's why I don't do it, I really don't think it's all secular). However, without some understanding of the connection and the religious part, December can be very confusing for non Christian families.

Good luck to all. (Email me directly if you'd like to talk more about Jewish and non Jewish family members in the Jewish community. I've spent some time working on these issues and I'd love to hear your stories and concerns.) Emily

Similar to the thread about Santa and Jewish kids, my husband and I are trying to figure out how we want our child (15 months) to experience the holiday season in a family that isn't religious and doesn't want to be involved in the crass commercialism of Santa. Our holidays have historically involved a lot of food and friends or family and are celebratory in their own way, but don't have any real traditions or explanations of why we are celebrating. We're thinking that focusing on the seasonal aspect of the holiday and getting more information on the solstice might be the way to go. Does anyone know of any books for kids that outline the more pagan aspects of the season, or know of any local organizations that celebrate it that way? Chris

When my son (now 6) asked about Santa, or Jesus, or other hard to prove issues, I prefaced my answer with "some people believe...". When he was younger, he seemed to not hear the first part, but as he's gotten older, he listens to my explanations, and then asks "what do you believe?" Since my husband and I often believe differently on these issues, our son gets two different beliefs, and can choose for himself what he will believe. In this way, I feel like I've given him a good chance to believe in the fun and story of Santa, without compromising my feelings of lying to him. Molly

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