How has your Selectively Mute child fared in public school?

My daughter is extremely shy in school - sometimes termed selective mutism. We are just re-locating to Berkeley from overseas and are a bit anxious about how the public schools here deal with this kind of issue. Does anyone have children with similar problems and/or do the schools seem able to handle kids with these kinds of anxiety problems?
parent in Berkeley

You can also go to the class and ask for a few minutes to explain to all the kids.

I find that the kids ''take care'' of my son and are very helpful. Given that SM is not a learning problem, there is really no ''special ed'' available since the child won't speak to people he/she doesn't know. It's a tough situation. I'd be happy to talk to you more about it. If you can't find SMF.com e-mail me and I'll mail you a copy of my info.

I'm wondering how old your child is and how well she (I thnk you said daughter?) warms up to kids. Does she eventually speak to adults? My son doesn't usually....there are a few random ''new'' adults that he occasionally will speak to, Camp counselors,etc. There is a handful of adults in his life that he does speak to other than me and my husband.

Good luck with this situation. Contact me if you want to talk more. June

School for 3rd grader with Selective Mutism

My 7 1/2 year old son is currently in 2nd grade at our local public school. So far his teachers have been wonderful, however, my son has a social phobia called Selective Mutism. He speaks to some people and not others. In his case, he speaks to most kids, and a handful of adults. Never to adults he doesn't know, even after he knows them. He needs warm up time to new situations. The 3rd grade teachers at our public school will not be good matches for him so we are looking into private schools.

The 2 that I'm interested in hearing about are East Bay Waldorf School and Black Pine Circle. Both were recommended to me as schools that teach in a different way than public schools.My son is not very motivated in school, though he's very bright, loves math, is extremely creative and agile. I think because of his non verbal-ness in school he's slow to learn to read (doesn't seem to have any learning disabilities). I'll be going on school tours in the next few months. I'd like to hear from parents with kids at either of these schools. Good experience? Bad experience? How do they work with children who don't follow ''the norm'' of kids. (My son plays and talks to kids with no problem after the initial ''shyness'' wears off, but has never spoken any words to his teachers, though he gets his messages across nonverbally).

I'm interested to hear your opinions and stories about the two above schools...also any other really great schools....convenience is somewhat of a factor. We live in East Richmond. I'm just not willing to drive to Oakland every morning. Thanks for info. June

Reviews received:

How we successfully treated our daughter's selective mutism

Re: Social phobia: selective mutism.

There were a few times when I saw postings from the parents of the children who have Selective mutism, and finally decided to share my experience with this disorder. My daughter was diagnosed with it after she didn't speak in her preschool for 1 1/2 years, and after she stopped speaking even to her grandparents (with whom she spoke before). When she was 4 1/2 she spoke only with her parents, and only if there was nobody around. That is when we realized that she is not just shy and quiet, but there is something else going on. So I called behavioral therapy in Kaiser, got appointment right away, and my daughter got a diagnose Selective Mutism. To tell the truth I was shocked that my little beatifull daughter was diagnosed with a disorder from psychiatric text book. Now I understand that we were very lucky to know it when she was so young and didn't start school yet. Later you start harder it is to help the child.

The reason why I am writing this posting is that we were able successfully treat it. If you meet my daughter now (she is 10 yo) outside school you would never even guess that this child was not talking in public situations for two years. We still have some problems at school though. At school she is much quieter than other kids (and believe it or not but this is a problem for many teachers). If she is asked a question she needs about 30 sec to think before she can answer it (even if she knows the answer) and she uses minimum words to answer it. I talk with her teachers at the beginning of each grade, tell them about Selective Mutism and ask them to make a few adjustments for her, such as giving her more time for oral answers and such. Outside school she is very outgoing, has lots of friends, and not quiet.

What we did. Read all possible information from the internet, joined Selective mutism chat rooms (learned a lot from other parents), ordered a book ''Selective Mutism'' through UC Berkeley interlibrary service and read about possible treatments.

What didn't help at all:

--- Play therapy. Our therapist was very skillfull with play therapy, and there were some improvements in communication between her and my daughter but this didn't have ANY effect on communication between my daughter and outside world, and that is what really important. To clarify the situation, my daughter was very good in communicating her thoughts and needs in non verbal ways, so this skill didn't need any improvements. We really wanted her to talk.
--- Using bribery, reasonning, punishment didn't help.
--- I read a lot about using antidepressants and there success in treating Selective Mutism in children and adults, but because my daughter was so young, and her history of non-talking was relatively short, we decided to try non-medicated techniques first.

What really helped:

--- Treating Selective Mutism as other types of phobia. The book I mentioned above talked a lot about desensitization technique, so we decided to start with it. The same technique might be used for example for treating spider phobia. It is hard for me to write in a few words specific things we did but we had a tremendous success. We started using it in January-February and when my daughter came to kindergarten in September she could wisper to her teachers and classmates. She could sing in holiday show in December, and was able to talk(the first time in her life after being in prescool for two years) during show and tell in the class.

As you can see I am very passionate about this topic and can write forever. I also realize that this is still a rare disorder and there are not many people on this list who are interested in it. But if somebody is I will be very happy to share details and specifics of the therapy we used with my daughter. I still remember the frustration and the feeling of helplessness of those years. The first time I got a note from the teacher that my daughter talked too much during the lesson I thought to be my happiest day. :)))

Natasha

My 3-yr-old only talks to family

I finally decided I need to ask other parents' advice on this one:

My 3-yr-old daughter just would not talk to anyone other than her family. She is otherwise very assertive, opinionated and easy-going. At home, she can have a discussion, make an argument, make up her own song or poetry, but just would not talk at all to anyone outside her immediate family. She has been going to the same preschool 3 days a week for 10 months now. She plays with other children but would not talk to them neither to her teachers. Same happens in the park, at BD parties, at her art & music classes. Recently, she even stated it so: ''I do not talk to anyone but my mommy, daddy, and Anya (her big sister) because I don't need to.''

At this point, it starts being a little odd, especially when people ask me surprised: She cannot talk yet? My husband suggests that we start sending her to her preschool full-time to force her interaction with children and adults outside of home, yet neither he nor myself are quite sure that it will do the trick, since she has a lot of social interaction as it is, and this will deprive her (and her mom) of some quality time together. Besides, if it has to do with her personality (nature as opposed to nurture), then this will not achieve a thing.

Just for the record: Our older daughter is 6.5 and she has always been the most outgoing child I knew in my life, and she never stops talking.

I'm sure someone on the network has been in a similar situation. Could you please tell me how you worked through it? Maria

http://www.selectivemutism.org Karen

My daughter is now almost 5, still shy but much happier at school. Things started getting better when she turned 4, as I remember. It was a lot of work but it all paid off when a teacher called one day and told me they, for the first time, had to ask my daughter to be quiet becuase she talked too much.

Please feel free to contact me if you'd like to share more thoughts and ideas. Chris

Children with SM (we discovered our 7 year old had it between 3 and 4) typically speak to their parents and siblings and maybe a few other people. The intensity of the behavior varies. Sometimes kids will not even speak to their parents if someone they don't speak to is in the room. A family I know who's child has SM doesn't speak to any kids either, though he has lots of friends and he communicates non verbally. Our son now speaks quite comfortably with most kids. It used to take him at least 45 minutes to warm up to any situation and speak to any new person, so the fact that now he speaks to kids and doens't need warm up time is a great step. He doesn't speak to any new adult. There are about 10 or so adults in our life that he speaks to.

Usually they grow out of it by 9 or 10, but not always. Some times anti anxiety drugs are used but they have side effects. SM is a social anxiety. People think it's related to autism because of the muteness but it has nothing to do with it. Most SM kids are quite bright and have a great vocabulary when they are speaking.

Typically parents think their toddlers are extremely shy and don't realize there is something else going on untill they go to pre-school or kindergarten and aren't talking to teachers, kids, etc.

Our son used to talk to everyone in his pre-school, but he has not spoken to his K, 1st or 2nd grade teacher. We ask that the teachers give him plenty of opportunity to talk without embarassing him or being unkind. We also ask the teachers not to allow other kids to speak for him. He has to somehow make his needs known. He does.

My son once told me, when I suggested that he could say hello to one of my friends, that he wants to speak but no voice will come. He said he felt like something was in his throat not letting him speak.

We've done play/art therapy with no results and in fact I think that the therapist allowing him not to speak helped cement his non-verbal patterns.

We've tried all kinds of bodywork too, cranio-sacral, particular forms of chiropractic adjustments, osteopathy....all fabulous therapies, but no particular changes.

Behavior modification is said to be the best therapy for SM kids. For example our son used to whisper to us when someone he didn't speak to was in the room. We told him he couldn't do that anymore and that he had to use a regular voice. Eventually he did that and now, though he won't call to me across the room, he will talk to me in his normal voice when others are around. There is a Selective Mutism foundation. If you just key in SelectiveMutism.com or something similar it will take you to 1 or 2 places. You can get some printed info. It's a really interesting behavior.

I suggest that you don't overprotect your daughter. There must be kids that she likes, even if she doesn't speak. Arrange play dates. Explain to the other parents that she ''may not'' speak to them. In some cases you have to let the other kids speak for her.

There are 2 other people in Berkeley and one in Hayward that I know of who's children have Selective Mutism. One child is about 9 or 10, and the others are about 5 or 6 or so. I have a friend in Albany who's daughter seems to mostly have outgrown it, though when out in the world is pretty quiet. We've talked about trying to get together as a support group but it hasn't happened yet.

By the way, my pediatrician and other MD's I had spoken to had never heard of it so I recommend you get the info you need and self diagnose. Don't expect too much help from the MD's. I would be happy to talk to you further about it...I could go on and on. Please feel free to e-mail me. June

Extremely shy 9 year old

Help! My soon-to-be 9 year old daughter is extremly shy. It is very difficult for her to make friends. So far she had only 1 true friend and this school year the friend moved away. I asked her if anyone in her class talk to her. She said yes but the problem is she does not talk back! From what I can get out of her, she is very nervous about what to say and how to say it. It is affecting her classwork becuase now that she is in 4th grade she needs to do partner work. At home she is fine. Any suggestions would be helpful!

Second, some practical advice that might help your daughter. A friend's daughter had a similar problem, though she was a little older (11). She started going to a large school after being home- schooled and leading a pretty isolated life. She simply didn't know the nuts and bolts of how to meet new people, and felt very intimidated by it all, so she didn't have any friends for a while. What helped her was actually learning ''scripts'' for approaching new friends (her college-age cousins helped her with this). They thought of a few good ''openers'' (complimenting someone, asking for advice, etc.), and also a few good ''closers'' to help her back out gracefully if the other person didn't seem very friendly. They told her to pick a few kids who seemed friendly and not too deeply involved in a ''group'', and to try to strike up a conversation with them. They also told her to make a point of speaking up in class at least once every day or two, just to get used to hearing her own voice. This was challenging for her, but it did help. The main point of this that might be useful for your daughter is the insight that social skills are not magic, they can be practised and learned. Maybe you or someone else (closer in age might be easier) could help her with this - actually rehearse small conversations with role plays.

Other things that might help her are finding some other small group situations - some kind of class, maybe, or Scouts - a situation where she can make a fresh start. By now she probably already feels very self-conscious about her shyness and her lack of friends at school. The less other people talk about her being shy, the better! Also, maybe helping her develop her self- esteem - at this age many girls are already worrying about their bodies and their image - by developing some of her skills and interests so that she feels really good about at least some aspects of her life.

Finally, keep supporting her with the message that she is OK and that she will make some friends soon! For some people it just takes a little longer. Remind her it's OK not to be super outgoing, the important thing is to meet a few people she really likes to spend time with.

Best of luck to her!
Martina