Is there really such a thing as sex addiction?

Could someone please explain what exactly is sex addiction? Is there a concrete definition, or is there only a vague diagnosis? Does it actually exist, or is this a ''thought-up'' problem? Please share your stories; I have no idea. Thanks, Curious

There are a number of 12 step programs that offer help to the sex addict who is ready to receive help. One of the biggest in the Bay Area is Sex Addicts Anonymous. The national website is http://www.saa-recovery.org/ and the local website is: http://www.sfbaysaa.org/

To get an understanding of this addiction I recommend the book ''Out of the Shadows'' by Patrick Carnes. It does an excellent job of describing this addiction and is helpful to both addicts and people who care about them.

There are also a growing number of therapists who are familiar wit this addiction and can provide support. Anonymous

Happy to report I'm blissfully married to a wonderful, trustworthy man. If nothing else, I took away the knowledge that I would never put myself in that situation again.

I hope things work out for you. It's a difficult road. anon

The unique driving force behind sexual addiction is the attempt to escape the natural, healthy need for intimacy. Some people escape intimacy more than others. Some escape differently than others. But all sexually addicted people have one thing in common: To some degree, every sexually addicted person flees from intimacy and turns to fantasy to meet his or her needs for a healthy, loving intimate sexual relationship. anon

I'm 42 and I'm not interested in sex anymore

Hi all. I'm happily married, have three sons, beautiful home, good job, but of course nothing is perfect in this world. I'll be 42 in March and I'm just not interested in sex anymore. My husband is a wonderful, responsible, loving, tender man, and that's why I feel so awful. He will not press the issue when I don't want to but then I feel extremely guilty and sometimes find myself simply giving so that he doesn't feel rejected. I just don't know what's wrong with me and why I'm just not interested. I'm not depressed or anything. I'm losing weight for health benefits and I'm taking care of myself mentally but I don't know what's wrong with me that I'm not interested in the physical aspect of sex anymore. Has anyone else ever experienced this? If so, what did you do? Thanks. Wondering

SO I would suggest looking around their site and picking up something to try right away since it can (but doesn't always) take a while to ship, so then by mid-March when you can use this coupon, you'll have a better idea of what's good for you and your husband. Now everybody who doesn't want ''too much info'' can stop reading before I scar you: but as a wife who was clueless and asexual not too long ago, I know that I would have tried things out sooner if someone had shared some concrete experience with me (vs. the vague ''just explore!'' stuff I was reading). SO: these days when I think I might like to try having sex that night, I'll wear these Kegel exerciser balls during the day (that I actually bought to exercise for incontinence after having one of my babies). When hubby gets home from work I have him pull the exerciser out-- not very sexy, but it does start the giggling, which starts the hugging and ''I love you's'', which then makes the sex (even if it's just a tired quickie before bed) feel more fun and loving and less like something I'm pretty indifferent too, which is how I felt about it for a while. And my husband says it makes him feel really loved that I wear them during that day (or even just in the evening before he comes home) because he knows that I'm thinking about him while we're apart and love him enough to want us to have a happy sex life. Best of luck to you in finding what you enjoy now-- you're young yet, but still: don't expect sex to feel the same for your body or mind as it did a few years ago, and I'm sure you'll find things or even just thoughts that *will* make it better for you than it is right now, just maybe in new and different ways.

I became really irritated, lost nearly all interest in sex, and more when I went on a different birth control (the no period for three months kind). I noticed the change in my patience and mood, and boy did my husband. I immediately switched pills and noticed a huge difference. I think hormones (from pills or our own body changes) play a huge role. Please talk to your DR.

From a different perspective I can also tell you how frustrating (in more ways than one!) and painful it is to be constantly rejected by your spouse. We were in marriage counseling for a year (and now I'm going myself) to work out our childhood/marriage issues. This resulted in my husband gradually and then totally withdrawing intimacy. I can't tell you how much pain, anger and frustration this causes. I'm hoping that things will get back to normal soon but please, for the sake of your marriage, do something to get your sex life back on track. Good luck! Been There, Done That

So, I don't really agree with the implication that you are ''rejecting'' your husband from some of the other posters. You are going through what most couples go through the first year to TWO years after first giving birth. My husband and I certainly don't have much of a sex life still, after 18 months (I am still breastfeeding). When we do, though, it's great!

Perhaps there are some other ways that the two of you can ''make love'' that don't require intercourse, so that your husband can feel loved and sexually nourished (and you as well!) and you don't feel impinged or put-upon and in pain.

Best of luck Still All The Way Back In The Groove

Boyfriend doesn't want sex anymore

I am in a two-year relationship with a man ten years younger than I am (I am late thirties, he is late twenties). We have been living together for the past year, along with my elementary school-aged daughter.

At the start, our life together was wonderful: It was tender, passionate, and seemingly perfect. We felt we were really meant to be, and he moved in about a year after we began dating. At that time, however, he started avoiding having sex with me, and now we almost never have any physical contact. He does not have any erectile or medical issues--he is just anxious about sex and avoids it almost completely (we have had sex once in four months). We started counseling about five months ago, I have my a therapist, and he has his own therapist now too...but very little actual change seems to be occurring.

I have always been an intensely physical woman, and this really has me reeling. I feel rejected, unwanted, and hurt by his lack of attention. I have no intention of having an affair, but I have realized that I recently began to understand the rationalizations people make just before they ''step out'' on their partners--''my relationship is great, except...'' I don't want to cheat, and I don't want to pressure him, and I don't really want to leave him either. Does anyone out there have any experience with this kind of situation? anonymous, please

My wife is rejecting me 6 out of 7 days

I can relate to most of the posts. My wife, of over 30-years, would be perfect – except for S-E-X. We had sex more often before the kids and I can understand what kids can do to a healthy sex life. However, our kids are grown but the sex frequency is infrequent (Saturday or Sunday AM, once per week) and boring (she doesn’t like to receive or provide oral, doesn’t respond touch (not matter how gentle) and makes absolutely no sounds or requests during sex). Little things that shouldn’t matter become arguments because of sexual frustration – mine.

I don’t want to end the marriage because she’s been very loyal to me (I went through a long period of depression) and we both couldn’t survive without each other’s income – pathetic isn’t it? I’ve tried everything -- nice dinners, long walks, get away vacation, doing laundry (she doesn’t like the way I do it), I do the dishes every evening, and was a “soccer dad”.

Whenever, I suggest we need to talk, or get professional help, she says I get more than most men! I’ve suffered from low self- esteem but getting rejected 6 out of 7 days in literally killing me. Any ideas?
Desperate Husband

I had the same problem with my husband who was vey ill for 2 years. (including heart surgery) It was not until recently that we were able to rekindle our sex lives. It drove me nuts as I am only in my mid fourties. I actually started to get a wandering eye. But anyway it took awhile but he was able to gain his strength and confidence and now we are really enjoying it. Remember her lack of interest probably has nothing to do with you. Keep working on her to get her interested and keep trying to get her to see a therapist. Elf

As for the quality of your sex life, it really sounds like you two could use some counseling. If she knew that you are on the verge of leaving over this, it might jump-start her to make some changes. No outsider can know the reason for your wife's disinterest, but the fact she is still willing and able to have sex weekly speaks to her love for and committment to you Anon

I think open, caring communication is key. If you can't talk about it, you can't find common ground.

One thing that has helped in my marriage is agreeing on a mutually-acceptable level of frequency and sticking to it. Doesn't sound very sexy, but it helps avoid that awful feeling of rejection (for the person with more desire) and that awful feeling of being hounded/harassed (for the person with less desire). This needn't be a schedule, but just an understanding of how much is enough. Sounds like you all haven't had that sort of conversation yet.

Other things to talk about: where does her lack of desire come from? Fatigue? Resentment? Just plain old biology? What can you do to satisfy yourself when you are on and she isn't? What does not having sex feel like for you? What does being pressured for sex feel like for her? Are there things you can do together that are sexual and satisfying but not full on intercourse? Are there other areas of intimacy in which you are not as close as you once were? What other aspects of your relationship need to be tended to? Anon

More--many more--men get entangled in affairs than see a pro; the repercussions of affairs, when they become emotionally involved, have been well documented on this list. As someone with a very strong libido (which is never extinguished by disaffection--something i am always told is a ''male'' attitude), I can relate to the frustration of being with someone who is content with a much lower frequency or less variety of sex than you are.

Whatever those of you reading this may think of me, I'm positive I've seen more than a few husbands of happily married BPNers on a professional basis. I try to send them home feeling satisfied, desirable, and appreciative of their wives'strengths as well as their limitations. If that seems threatening to the women on this list, consider the fact that there are many, many willing women with less firm boundaries--paid and unpaid--for your husbands to avail themselves of in their search of what's ''missing'' long-term in your marriage. In my opinion, if a woman is not willing to address either the underlying problems in a marriage nor the possible psycho- or physiological reasons why she doesn't enjoy frequent sex with a husband who desires her and is committed to the marriage, then (if divorce is out of the question) you as the husband are justified in discreetly ''supplementing'' your sexual needs with other women while your wife keeps her head in the sand. An Opinionated Hooker

1) what seems like a comfortable amount of sex and frequency for you?

2) when you do have sex and both enjoy it, what is happening differently? Do you have a babysitter at those times so you're not distracted? Are there certain things that she finds more arousing than others?

3) how much general affection do you show towards one another? I have seen couples where they have a low level of affection in general, so when one person approaches another for sex, it seems like a duty more than an extension of tenderness and love that is ongoing and fluid. what is your need for affection, and what is hers?

It seems like professional help might guide you towards a solution, but without both people wanting to participate, it's somewhat difficult to have a successful outcome. Maybe she thinks that seeing a professional means there's something wrong with her, but if you think about it, people go to medical doctors all the time without shame or embarrassment. So why should seeking couples help be any different? As for ''you're lucky you're getting any sex,'' that seems like the sound of a pressured, upset person who needs some understanding and perhaps a little backing off for the time being. Just some thoughts... Lisa

Husband is upset about my lack of sex drive

My husband and I have been married almost 9 years and together for 13. We have a very good and solid marriage, lots of respect, we share the workload of household and childrearing-, and we rarely fight at all. We have a 2 1/2 year old son. I love him deeply.

The problem is sex. Since having the baby, I don't care about it, don't really notice when it's not happening. But he does- and isn't happy about it. The other night I was talking with him about how sad I was that we can't have another child-and he suddenly brings up that we don't have enough sex..again! He keeps track of how long it's been since the last time and anything but actual intercourse doesn't ''count'' as sex. Although he doesn't hound me for it, I know it's always out there. Sex night is supposed to be Tuesdays but it frequently passes without me noticing it, or me dreading it and trying to find excuses to avoid it without saying ''no'' outright.

We've talked about how I feel sex is kind of ''dirty'' now (after becoming a mom.) And how I'm embarassed to really get into it when we're having it. I hate it when he talks dirty but he still does it and I cringe with embarrassment. I like sex when we have it and I get into it(most of the time) but it often takes me a looong time to get into it and sometimes I don't want him to touch me and just have sex to make him happy. We probably have sex 1-3 times a month. I've also gained about 12 extra pounds in the last year so I don't feel sexy-even though he tells me all the time I am. I think he's very attractive-so it's not an aversion or anything like that.

I miss sex in a purely theoretical way. I know it's important to the marriage and I feel guilty that I am not making him happy in that regard. But I am just totally disinterested. I have a therapist but I'm even embarassed to talk to her about this. I've read the ''confessions of a naughty mommy' and that just made me angry-how it all just works out in the end for her. I want to want it-but I just don't.

Any suggestions for me? Has anyone else found sex to be embarassing after childbirth? How do you get over it? Do you just grin & bear it? Please-I welcome any suggestions! Anonymous

Because I got the perspective that it was not really about sex, but about touch, and about how much one person can handle before going into overload. I nursed and held my baby a lot, and she was on me a lot as she got older, but less and less as she got older. The less the kid was physically attatched/on/touching me in one way or another, the more my desire to touch and be touched w/ others came back. Your child deserves as much of you as you can possibly give him at this point, and if you still love your husband, and he you, then hopefully you both can weather this out, as it will come back. It's better to give the child what it needs now and assure your husband he is not in for a life of monkhood. If he wants to accelerate the proccess, then finding ways to have someone else take the child on a regular basis...grandma, playdates, babysitter, etc., for significant amounts of time that give you the chance to recharge and actually want ot be touched again, this will help I think. Good Luck

I do have sex sometimes when I would rather not; I used to think this was awful -- but don't we often do things we don't want to do for people we love? Likewise, my husband goes without sexual contact when he would really like it. We try to respect each other's positions, and give a little when we can.

We worked on this issue in couples therapy (difficult, but worthwhile) and also read (together) a book called Hot Monogamy that was very useful at reassuring us that our different levels of interest are A) very common and B) not insurmountable. I think that loving couples can manage this situation with good communication, kindness, and a willingness to compromise. Good luck! Low Libido
You don't say if you're breastfeeding your son or not, but breastfeeding does release hormones that dampen sex-drive. If you have not been breastfeeding for a while, than this is probably not playing a role. Either way, I strongly urge you to talk to your therapist about your embarassment about sex. Doesn't it strike you as an interesting and telling contradiction that, now that you are a mother, you see sex as ''dirty'' and embarassing--after all, you wouldn't BE a mommy without it! That says to me that there may be something else going on, something emotional-- regarding sex as dirty and embarrassing is something that is *learned*, so you can UNlearn it, as well, but you'll need your therapists help.

It may help you to think of it this way: a healthy sex-life (one that you are enjoying, too, not just going through the motions) is important to a healthy marriage, a healthy marriage is extremely important to the emotional well-being of your entire family, including your SON. Your relationship with your husband is the model that your son will follow when he grows up -- so you have a big responsibility here, what kind of example do you want to set for him?

Your therapist can help you (or, if your therapist can't, find another therapist!), please give her a chance to do that and talk to her about what is coming up for you, for your sake as well as your son's and your husband's.
anonymous

Testosterone cream for libido?

Does anyone out there have experience using testosterone cream (applied to the clitoris) to help with extremely low libido? I have a prescription from my MD but am hesitant to actually use it. Any advice (usefulness, side effects, better treatments or, ahem, how-to) would be appreciated! Signed, anon!

Have you tried Wellbutrin? A little publicized clinically studied side-effect is to enhance the female libido: http://archive.salon.com/sex/feature/2000/09/26/wellbutrin/index.html. I'm a guy(55), my MD prescribed it for depression and *my* sex life has reached new heights and a couple of lady friends swear it has put a new bounce in their step. I had previously gone through all the SSRIs which had a depressing effect on my libido as well as other unpleasant side-effects. It's like the difference between dialup and broadband ... Just make sure your man can keep up (hoho).

If you want technique, try Clint Arthur's New Sex Now (DVD). It has 4-5 star rating at Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00008OE4V/qid=1150847565/sr=1-3/ref=sr_1_3/102-0428252-9520916?%5Fencoding=UTF8&s=dvd&v=glance&n=130 Basically, it's G-spot massage. Watch it together and move your sex life into overdrive. One friend told me 'I never knew a man could touch a woman like that!!!'. I'll resist the urge to offer a demonstration ...

Have fun .. Steve

My wife and I are struggling (as so many are!) with balancing full time jobs, two kids (4 and 6), managing a house and dog, AND paying sufficient attention to one another. Invariably, our relationship ends up last on the list of things to do. We are both in counseling (individual and couples) and one of the issues that has come up has been my wife's lack of sex drive. We have heard that testosterone creams could be used as a ''libido pick up'', but my wife is reluctant to try it. She has heard of some side affects of the use of this unregulated product to be both unpleasant and irreversible. We would like to hear from other women who have had expereince with using this treatment. wondering husband

I started out at one per day and noticed a bit of effect but not enough to get me back on track. Now I take one daily and then one additional approximately every other day for a total of 10 a week. This is the maximum that she will prescribe to be safe and it works for me.

Kaiser has to have this prescription compounded at an outside pharmacy, and for some reason Richmond is the only pharmacy that will fill it for me. My GYN told me that there's also a manufactured testosterone supplement that's safe for women, but I'll stay with natural as long as I can get it. I haven't looked into the test patch for women since I'm happy with this.

Once I hit menopause, loss of estrogen began to cause me problems with lubrication, orgasm, and libido, so now I use a vaginal ring, ''Estring'', that locally and slowly releases estrogen which is not absorbed systemically. It's made a big difference!

Also, Viagra can enhance sexual responsiveness for some women by improving genital blood supply. Another option worth looking into. Cece

Overwhelming sexual energy in late 30's

Ever since hitting about age 36 two years ago I've found myself with the sex drive of an 18 year old boy. This has caused me to flirt with colleagues, browse ''casual encounters'' on Craigslist, and generally spend way too much time thinking about sex when I should be thinking about my motherly, wifely, and other more wholesome life activities. I've discovered that sex of all kinds is certainly available to women in my situation, but I've not acted on such opportunities. My husband finds it amusing, he cannot keep up with me and says (that's SAYS) he would allow me a limited excursion into a ''sex- only'' experience, so long as it was protected and he got to hear all about it. This goes totally against my rational side and the monogamous values I hold in the bright light of day. But then when an attractive man passes by, I'm all aflutter again. Some days I think I need therapy and other days I'm happy to feel so vibrant and alive. Is it all just raging hormones? Will it taper? Am I the only otherwise happily married mom and wife with this struggle? anonymous, obviously

There is nothing intrinsically unwholesome about sexuality or, in fact, in any expression of sexuality between consenting adults! There's also nothing intrinsically wrong with flirting- it's fun and, just for itself, harmless. And there's nothing intrinsically wrong with surfing pornography or casual encounters for the stimulation and fantasy of it, it's just that women aren't ''supposed'' to be interested in such things (and pornography is mostly geared to men's interests).

Fantasy is great, and masturbation is great, and the two go together very well. I myself have many sexual fantasies that I don't expect to ever act on (as well as others that I've tried out in reality) and they come in very handy in my relationship with my fingers and vibrator!

It's good that you can be open with your husband about this, and he with you, although it sounds like he may not be taking it seriously to heart. But maybe it's really okay with him for you to experiment and he enjoys the idea of being a voyeur in your adventure(s), it may be titillating and arousing to him. Again, anything is okay, nothing is intrinsically wrong.

One word of experience, quite a bit of experience- casual encounters are more often sexually disappointing than not. Really good sex is as hard to find as really good love! I've done them, and have found that what I really enjoy is putting on a short skirt and heels, going out on the town, and flirting with a stranger.

I have a (maybe) off the wall idea for you and your husband. You could go out together, you could dress up as sexually outrageously as you like, and you and he split up at your destination (a bar or club?). You could flirt your little heart out but know who you're going home with. Your husband could watch you in action and get his titillation. Who knows what might happen in the bedroom when you get home!?

Creativity is the spice of life! Another sexed-up woman

Steroids for asthma lowering my sex drive?

As with many marriages, we are experiencing serious lack of sex as parents. We have a 3 year old and 9 month old. I am still breastfeeding, dealing with postpartum hormones etc, but during another one of my husband and my late night fights after an attempt at anything sexual, my husband said that my lack of sex drive occurred prior to having children and actually at the same time I was prescribed and starting using inhaled steroids to keep my asthma under control. It has been about 7 years since that first prescription and, my husband is right, that's when my sex drive went out the window. But, it's also the time we were married, starting having serious responsibilities (mortgage, car payments)= less fun, more work, less partying, more being married. Is the prescription a coincidence or could it be a real factor in my lost libido? When I've mentioned it to doctors, they just say, ''Well, this is quite common for new parents.'' I don't want to hear that anymore. I want to make an effort to make this marriage work, with sex. And, uh, I have to breathe too.
Inhaled then exhaled my sex drive?

How common is passion after 10 years of marriage?

Someone recently wrote in asking about how often couples had sex, and saying that she and her husband, after 10 years, still have satisfying sex 1-2 times a week, and still try new things. My only experience with married sex (from a marriage now over) is that it hardly ever happened and was boring when it did. (What a surprise that we got a divorce.) I have come to realize how important passion and passionate sex are to me, but I feel fairly hopeless that these things stick around after about a year. So I have several questions:

1. To the woman who wrote that posting I referred to: what in the world are you doing that's new after TEN YEARS???

2. How many people out there experience real PASSION with their partners after being with them for many years? (What I mean by ''passion'' is a very intense emotional connection that may or may not involve sex.) If you do, what is it like? Do you think it comes from some deep connection you either have or you don't, or is it something you can drum up by reading a book like ''The Passionate Marriage,'' etc?

3. How many people experience passionate, deeply intimate sex with their partners after being with them many years? And again, do you think this is from an inherent connection, or can you intentionally create it?

If such passion and intimacy are -- after being together for a while -- really rare, I can't see bothering with marriage (or other long-term relationship) again. I'm hoping to hear that lots of folks have these things and that they are reasonable to hope for....

Many thanks for any stories from your own relationship that you might like to share. Anonymous

I think that connecting with a person who is open enough to self reflect and be flexible to communicate about whatever needs to be discussed is key. I really believe that communication is the life blood of a relationship. Not feeling heard or respected is enough for me to make passion die out. I'm pretty amazed that we still feel a hot, physical attraction to one another after all these years!

Replying to your questions, I don't know if it's rare or if books help. For me, definitely working on myself during the relationship has helped, by that I mean trying to be more conscious of my behavior and how it affects my partner, trying to make internal changes that help our relationship while still being true to myself. We did start with a deep, spiritual connection, and now grow and change together. Though, of course, some things do stay the same. I still have some of my annoying personality traits and so does my husband, I guess I've learned more tolerance over the years as well. I hope some of this might be helpful, it sounds like you want to hope and try again. I hope you do and I hope you are pleasantly surprised with a fulfilling relationship! anonymous

That's how I met my current husband. We've been together for 8 years now, with two preschool-aged kids, and there has been no lessening of passion. I don't so much find that we need new ''tricks'' to keep things interesting, but we continue to find one another sexy and as we age together. I think we just get a kick out of learning more about each other. I'd say we go at it 3-4 times a week, and on the days we're not actually having sex, there's certainly caressing, necking and other intimate behaviors.

There are two things of utmost importance: One, it's extremely important to marry someone you're sexually compatible with. This is both in terms of frequency and ''technique.'' Second, and most importantly, you just have to make time for sex. I know everyone says this, but so many people just don't. There are nights where it would be easy to say ''I'm too tired'' or ''I'm still mad at you'' or whatever, but if you make yourself get into it, you won't regret it. How many people look back and say ''I wish I'd had less sex with my husband''?

Our grandmothers were right: sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. happy

It sounds like you are equating passion with the chills & thrills of a new relationship, and I doubt that condition ever survives the first year or so (unless you're in a long-distance relationship or one with lots of hair-raising up and downs). So maybe it's a question of expectations? -- Passionate Wife

I think if you have a good connection with your partner, then you can work on the passion part. There's a good book by Harville Hendrix called ''Getting the Love you Want'' that helped my partner and I through a rough time, and working on the exercises in that book really increased our passion - but as I said, we had a solid foundation to start. Passionate!

I've had 2 back-to-back long term relationships, one that lasted 9 years, and a current one that has lasted 7 years so far. In the first, I no longer wanted to have sex with my partner after a few years. In the current (we're married with a kid) I continue to dig it and we roll in the hay regularly. Because we have a 2-year-old, our interludes are often quick, fun bangs. When we have more time, we'll have deeply intimate sex that leaves me really physically and emotionally sated. I think it's both inherent in the connection and also cultivated.

Comparing my two LTRs, a few things stand out that I believe strongly correlate with my sustained sexual interest or lack thereof:
1. Resentment makes me lose my libido.
2. Respect. My former mate behaved in his business and personal life in ways that made me lose respect for him.
3. Fitness. My current mate bicycles everywhere and it gives him this vitality that I find super appealing. My former mate didn't take care of himself, and it negatively affected his smell, touch, taste, appearance, clarity, and prowess.
4. Peer relationship. My relationship does not have mother/son or father/daughter undertones. We come together as equals/peers/lovers.
5. Freedom and trust. I thrive on a long leash with absolute, solid, mutual trust.

I firmly believe that sex doesn't exist in a vacuum. All these other seemingly unrelated things have a big impact. These are just the keys to my locks; you may have a different set. amy

Why not? Why stay together? Past passions have also either faded or been unhealthy. While I enjoy being alone, and long for more time alone, growing old with someone you love and who loves you is pretty great (esp when you consider the alternatives.)

Ideas for making things more passionate - I do recall hot sex after a particuarly sexy and provactive movie. And talking out fantasies gets things hotter for us too. We used to use sex toys more and still occasionally do.

I'm glad this discussion has been initiated and appreciate past posters honesty. I think many of us believe everyone else has more or different than we do. Perhaps some do, but not most. It's helpful to have a window into this. Anon

-a weekly date-night out away from bills, to dos, and the children -holding hands and being physically affectionate in non-sexual ways when we're together -regular eye contact when speaking with each other (seriously, it's amazing how many conversations you can have while doing something else and not actually look at each other!) -greeting each other at the door when one of us comes home -going to bed at the same time even if it's to curl up and sleep -willingness to try different places, positions, etc. in our sexual interactions -willingness to drop what you're doing when the other person is feeling passionate -scheduling time to be intimate (I used to hate the lack of spontaneity in this, but it's a bit like exercise, if you don't make time for it, there never will be time) -letting go of/not building resentments I'm sure my husband would offer a different list, but these are the ones that help me to feel connected, and that help me to slow down enough from the to-dos to remember how passionately I feel feel. hopeful for you

We also tell each other ''I love you'' every day. Not as a way to say goodbye before hanging up the phone or leaving for work, but as a way to say ''have I told you today how much I love you?''.

The passion I feel for my husband is a choice. After a decade together, we have seen each other at our best and our worst.

There are things about him that drive me insane and things about him that I adore. I choose to see the things that attracted me to him in the first place (his wit, his drive, his mind, his butt).

I choose not to dwell on the things that I wish I could change (his stubbornness, his distractions, his snoring).

I am by no means a Stepford wife, but I enjoy doing things to please my husband. Do I have sex when I'd rather go to sleep? sometimes. Are there days when I don't get a shower and the house is a wreck? sure. There are even days I could run kicking and screaming from the building - but I'd come back. Of course it's not the same as it was in the first year - But, life happens. We have 2 boys under the age of 4, a mortgage so big it's scary, a house so small we trip all over each other, and much more padding around the middle than we anticipated a decade ago. But, those things fade away when we are together. He can still take my breath away with a kiss and he still makes me blush when he tells me I'm beautiful. These aren't feelings that I could drum up from reading a relationship book. They are feelings I choose to continue having.

I think that we do have a deep emotional connection, but I just think that comes from loving the life and family that we have created together. We cherish our relationship and we put priority on keeping our connection to each other. I don't know if passion and intimacy are rare after a decade together, but I think it would be sad to assume that it would be and therefore give up trying. anonymous

I strongly encourage you to read the book for yourself, and see what YOU think--it has made a huge difference to me and my husband (along with Harville Hendrix's, ''Getting the Love You Want''). Intmacy Challenged

I remember passion.....

I read a lot of books in the past about all these issues, so those are very helpful. Also a shitload of therapy can help, though my sister has had more than I, and has never had a really good relationship. I would tell you if he had a brother, and he does, but he's married and is a very cold, critical person.

Also, I want to know about that woman who said they have sex a couple times a week and still find new things to try. Like what, after ten years?? jane

you mention passion and intimacy as though they were inextricably linked. for me they are not. perhaps this is chauvinist of me, bred of male privilege. please feel free to share any and all views of this. i find passion for any new person to be definitely finite, although new people never fail to spark interest. long term intimacy, on the other hand, is for me not at all finite, rather desirable and necessary. so reconciling these two things remains a mystery. your post let me know, emphatically and wonderfully, that i am not totally alone in my confusion.

the marriage was somewhat a poster child for all this. we were together 17 years, married the last 6. when our girl was 2, her mom shocked us both by leaving me for reasons for which we will always disagree. but the passion/intimacy dichotomy was surely no small part, perhaps even more for her than for me. no, there had been no unfaithfulness, at least not on my end. though passion was long gone, intimacy was surely still there. she decided she could do without it, however. she may well have since changed her mind, don't know for sure. when she left 5 years ago, i was so devastated (and surprised) i have been not even close to mustering anything new since. of course there is not much market for 62 year old with half custody of 7 year old; also his own business, hence little free time. also am not much in the corporate, cookie-cutter, conventional wisdom, cell phone, tv watching, drinking, crap eating, relgious mold. but that's a whole other story.

thanks again for a most refreshing, thought-provoking post. good luck and keep on keepin' on. please, never give up looking. without that life would truly be a bore, or so it says here. doug

You don't get passion by reading a book.

Personally, a lot of passionate relationships I had withered after 6 months or so. I think it's because after that time the new glow is off the relationship and you start to deal with the realities of being with another flawed person instead of a fantasy. I'm also certain that me not having any idea of how to have a healthy relationship with another human being was also a large factor.

Committed relationships are hard work. Keeping long term passion in a relationship is even harder work. ''Hot'' relationships rarely (if ever) last more than a few months.

Personally, I think the French have it right... Ray

We probably have sex about 3x/week. Usually, 1 of those will be a quickie, and 2 will be medium-level. Once or twice a month we have a sheet-burning extravaganza. I think both of us are satisfied. To be honest, I think we fit the stereotype that he wants it a little more often than I do and maybe initiates it more often too.

My keys:
1. I say yes to sex even if I don't feel completely in the mood. It's worth it because it makes him feel wanted and sometimes I get into it a little more than I thought I would. He really appreciates it, which pays dividends.
2. Use toys. Make up games. Try new outfits. Etc.
3. Neither of us has a perfect body, but we love each other's bodies.
4. Put love first. I am never too busy to give him a hug or a kiss as we pass in the kitchen. We spend a lot of time snuggling and cuddling without having sex. When he walks in the door after work, we are excited and happy to see him. I make a point of letting him know that he is appreciated and cared for. He does the same.

That last one sounds mundane, but I believe it has been the key to the strong passion that we still have when the bedroom door shuts. We do not take vacations or romantic weekends away from the kids. Things dried up a little during the time they were small; I think that time is hard on everyone. But as they got older, it came back. Any effort you put into your sex life is worth it, short term and long term. In Love

ROME (Reuters) - Thinking of buying a TV for the bedroom? Think again -- it could ruin your sex life.

A study by an Italian sexologist has found that couples who have a TV set in their bedroom have sex half as often as those who don't.

''If there's no television in the bedroom, the frequency (of sexual intercourse) doubles,'' said Serenella Salomoni whose team of psychologists questioned 523 Italian couples to see what effect television had on their sex lives.

On average, Italians who live without TV in the bedroom have sex twice a week, or eight times a month. This drops to an average of four times a month for those with a TV, the study found.

For the over-50s the effect is even more marked, with the average of seven couplings a month falling to just 1.5 times.

The study found certain programs are far more likely to impede passion than others. Violent films will put a stop to sexual relations for half of all couples, while reality shows stem passion for a third of couples.

cite: http://today.reuters.com/news/newsarticle.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyid=2006-01-17T172827Z_01_L16631964_RTRUKOC_0_US-SEX-TV1.xml

My husband thinks other people have more sex than we do

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have 2 young children. I am a SAHM and my husband has a very stressful job. In my opinion, my husband and I have a great sex life. We have satisfying sex 1 or 2 times per week on average. We still experiment and try new things. We did not have sex for about a year each time I was pregnant and had a newborn, but between my first and second child, and again now, we are having sex regularly. Unfortunately, my husband feels like we don't have enough sex. I really would like him to count his blessings and feel satisfied with what we have. He thinks that other marrieds have more sex than we do. So, what I want to know is: How often do you and your partner have sex?
- curious about others' sex lives

I still feel that way, but...

.. your husband gets laid 1-2 times a week after 10 years of marriage and two children? And he COMPLAINS about this? :cue hysterical laughter:

I know you only asked for people's experience on the list, but I want to say that this is a common situation, to have one partner want sex more than the other. (And I think it's also common to want to call on some idea of what's normal or expected, to get one's needs met, instead of just saying ''I would like to have sex four times a week'', or whatever.)

BTW, according to a fair number of surveys, American couples have sex an average of around twice a week, slightly more often in their twenties and less often in their 40s or older.

I'll be curious what comes up for replies.... sign me: if only everyone was having great sex once or twice a week!

Here's another survey that has the frequency around 100+ times/year. Though given it's source, you might take this with a grain of salt. http://www.durex.com/cm/gss2005results.asp

I think unfortunately you're not going to solve this issue this way, though. My husband and I are lucky that neither of us has a big sex drive, and we really mesh well that way. If your sex drive and his don't match up, giving him statistics about what other married people do isn't going to solve it.

You could have sex more as a compromise, but that's not really fair to you if you're happy with the amount now. You could encourage him to masturbate more (with or without you there) or have more time for snuggling, etc.

Good luck! happy with not much sex

Husband loses self confidence during sex

Once in awhile while we are in foreplay my husband gets ''nervous'' and loses his self-confidence, losing his erection. When we do have sex it is good and have been married over 5 years and have a child. He says sometimes he puts too much pressure on himself and starts worrying about things and then loses what we had. I try to be supportive but then I get frustrated. We want to start trying for a second child soon and I know he will feel pressure and it might affect us. Anyone have suggestions? I love him and want to help him any way I can. Anon

Did your libido "wake up" when you went off the pill?

After years taking the pill, I am considering getting a tubal ligation, as I know I do not want more children. My question to readers who have had this done, is did your libido ''wake up'' at all after going off the pill? I am hoping that stopping synthetic hormones might help. My doctor says it depends on the person. But I'd love to hear any real experiences, especially from women who have taken Yasmin. Btw - I have never found the risk of pregnancy to be a turn on, as it is for some, so please don't factor that into the equation. Thank you! anon

I want sex much more frequently than he does - is this normal?

I have been with my partner for about 2 years now. We have never enjoyed a very exciting sex life, but it has gone from bad to worse. At this point, I am wondering about what is normal in a relationship? I feel a bit abnormal in that I am the one that seems to really be suffering over this and I am the female half. I would like to have sex much more frequently - a few times a week at least - than I am (which is currently about once a month or once every couple of months). I do not like to initiate it anymore as when I do, it's ends up being completely focused on him: he is very passive.

While I realize that by societal standards, I am attractive, I losing my self-confidence through this. I am wondering what to do, I am wondering if this is normal and just something I need to get used to, and I am wondering if it's me: it seems that it's always men who want more sex than they are getting, not women. Why is this happening?

Advice would be appreciated, as would any helpful reading material or therapist suggestions. sad and frustrated

I don't know what to tell you other than it's not your fault. IT doesn't mean you are not attractive or desirable, you probably are and with the right man you might be having sex every day. Hopefully somebody here will be able to give you info as to how to help your husband. anon

My advice: find a new partner. Or get a lover, which will probably lead you down the same path. Sex is important. It makes your skin glow. There's a man out there now who will think you're the stuff and be only too delighted to make you feel like a sexy love goddess. Don't waste your time with a tepid, uninterested man. Go get some and don't wait!
Mom who waited too long and now knows better.

You mentioned that sex had never been all that passionate between you two, even in the beginning. Usually, the beginning of the relationship is when people experience sex as being very ''hot'' and passionate. You want it all the time with your new lover. You feel like you want to be near them at all times. Your new lover is completely facinating and everything about them is adorable. You don't need as much sleep or food. You feel high all the time, especially around them. This is the result of body chemistry - when we meet a new ''mate'' our bodies flood us with euphoria-enducing hormones. This is evolution at work: if we feel very euphoric and ''frisky,'' our body reasons, we'll have lots of sex with this new ''mate'' and be more likely to reproduce.

Unfortunately (or not), this hormone ''high'' will eventually wear off. We feel less and less euphoric around are partner. Our desire for sex will lessen. For many people, this feels like they are falling out of love. Unless there is something deeper there, this is the point in the relationship (usually around 6 months to 2 years) when the couple is likely to ''break up.'' Couples that choose to stay together will face the challenge of seeing their partner as more and more of a flawed, normal human, rather than the amazing, perfect creature they were in the early days. This brings up more conflict and is a huger issue than I can go into here.

However, OTHER issues also come in to play for couples who stay together after the drugs wear off. By far the BIGGEST is the issue of INTIMACY. Now, your partner is getting to know the REAL you. This is scary. The longer we are with some one, the MORE IMPORTANT that person becomes to us, even though we aren't getting that same ''high'' as we did in the beginning, we still ge some of those drugs when we're around our partner. The more important some one becomes, the scarier it is for us (most of whom have been wounded by people who were important to us at some point in our formative years, probably deeply). So, we are feeling unconsciously scared and anxious. Not very conducive to a lot of sex. AND if sex was not very passionate or frequent to begin with (so, one of you has a low sex drive and perhaps the attraction wasn't all THAT strong to begin with) then your sex life has even more strikes against it.

So, yes, this is normal. The question is, what do you want to do about it? Most relationships that don't hold a lot of passion usually end (these days, anyway), so you may find yourself drifting farther and farther apart. That may be the right thing for you. I think people are more willing to work on having a fabulous, loving and mutually satisfying relationship with some one they feel passionate about.

Okay, I guess that was more like 5 dollars worth, but I hope this was helpful.

Best of luck! anon

In my 40's, we're not having sex, and I've never had an orgasm

I've read the entries in the archives regarding sexless marriages, but here's my personal situation I would like advice on. I'm a woman in my 40s, married for over a decade, young kids, feel somewhat ''hip'', open-minded, average East Bay type. But my sex life makes me feel like some uneducated throwback to the 50s. I have never had an orgasm, and it's not for lack of trying. (I have been to Good Vibrations, but it's overwhelming and the aura of all the other ''comfortable-with-sex'' staff and customers just depresses me.)

Now in combination with this, I have never been very strongly sexually attracted to my husband (even before we married). I think I married him for all the other reasons - common interests, outlook, background, etc. And here we are, years down the road, and there hasn't been sex for months. I feel nothing, just dead inside, when he even just wants to cuddle.

I don't have any traumatic issues in my past. If anything, I was comfortably naive until the appropriate age. Sex life pre-husband was okay - no ''big O'', but certainly more passion and interest. But also sex was never a comfortable topic for me and my female friends (could never watch Sex in the City without feeling intensely jealous!!). I haven't been able to mention this to my OB/GYN - too embarrassed - but don't have any physcial problems with pain or discomfort. So here I am, asking thousands of anonymous subscribers to give me advice, please!

I'm thinking therapy, but who? Any particular kind? Pay another visit to Good Vibrations? Or just let me know I'm not some pathetic freak... Thank you. Too Frustrated.

What can I do to stir up my husband's libido?

What can I do to stir up my husband's libido? Do parents who work full-time and have small children have sex anymore? Life's tough -- two kids under 4 years old and both husband and I work FT -- but it would nice to have sex every now and then.

Years of depression, and sporadic use of anti-depressants, have eaten away my husband's sex drive. In the mornings he has the interest and ability, but the kids are on us by 6:30/7 a.m., and my husband prefers to sleep than have sex.

In the evenings, we're exhausted from life, and my husband can't keep an erection. Sadly, we've gotten into the habit of just reading in bed before sleep.

I'd be happy to just cuddle in the dark, but he's never been much of a cuddler.

Any dads out there tried Viagra? My husband was offended when I suggested it, but I bet if I persisted or offered others' success stories as evidence... Any suggestions on how to resume our once-good sex life? I really love my husband, and the first few years of our life together (pre-kids), our sex life was great. He initiated it. When he's into it and has an erection, he's a great lover. It's just a lack of desire that's the trouble these days.
Wants To Get Some

Cialis is now out there and I am considering trying it because Viagra causes my face to flush, which can be a little uncomfortable but is really a concern because I have some slight Rosacea. Cliais reportedly acts more specifically than Viagra and binds only to the receptors needed to sustain an erection (rather than also those for facial flushing). Cialis' effect is also supposed to be longer.

The other advice to give to your husband is that no matter whether he is in the mood or not, it is important to keep up this type of intimacy - it will make everything in your lives go a lot smoother, especially with the everyday stresses of family life. Even though my own interest in this has waned from when I was a young man, I know my wife's interest is still peaking. And, when I don't concern myself about my own climax (because I not desperate for it) I find I am discovering all sorts of pleasures and fulfillment that I t! hink are far more interesting . . . A Man Who Has Been There!

Unhappy with infrequency of sex and she won't talk about it

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. She is a wonderful woman---kind and loving and generous in so many ways to me and to our children. However, I feel I have lost a sense of what constitutes a ''normal'' level of sex and intimacy in marriage. I do know that I am unhappy with what we are experiencing now.

We have intercourse a few times a year, almost always on those rare occasions we can go away for a night. Sexual intimacy other than intercourse occurs once every month or two. Special occasions--birthdays, Valentine's, Christmas, New Years--are usually marked with presents and displays of affection, but almost always that's it, even though I have told her how sad it makes me that we don't make love even at these times. I kept imagining it would improve--after the first baby, after nursing, after the 2nd baby, after we moved into our new house, etc., etc. I should note that my wife became pregnant within 3 months of our wedding, and our 2nd child came very soon after our first. I have tried to speak with my wife about this, but she gets very weepy and defensive, making real conversation impossible. Most frustratingly, even after those instances when I do make my unhappiness known to her, she makes no changes in her intimate behavior. Of course, my frustration is contaminating our relationship in other ways.

So, what is ''normal'' for two healthy, busy, stressed professionals with two young children? I know there's a huge range, but I need some affirmation that I am not crazy (or confirmation that I am unrealistic) in expecting a bit more from our marriage. Thanks for your honest answers.

I started seeing a therapist because I was depressed, and I\325m still trying to work out what\325s going on with my lack of interest in sex. Our communication has improved immensely, though, and I\325m able to discuss it with him calmly. Our sex life has improved some---maybe once a month---though I doubt we\325re nearly as active as most people. We\325re working on it, though, and it does take work.

You didn\325t mention whether your sex life was ever satisfactory. Since your wife is weepy when you try to discuss it, it sounds like she\325s unhappy, too. If that\325s the case, it\325s about more than just adjusting your expectations; it sounds like there\325s a problem. I don\325t know if she\325s depressed like I was/am, but she might benefit from talking to someone about it. Before I got help, I was literally unable to do anything about our situation even though I desperately wanted to. My husband finally said to me, \322I won\325t live like this\323 (it wasn\325t just the lack of sex but my general depression). It had never occurred to me that he could leave, and the realization scared me into action. I\325m not recommending threatening your wife, but she may be as paralyzed as I was. It can get better, but your wife has to be able to talk about it.

Best of luck to you. This is by far the hardest thing we\325ve ever dealt with in our marriage.

Working through it

Sadly, it's not working very well, despite the fact that I think that my husband is extremely attractive and despite really *wanting* to have sex. (I even dream about it more and more often lately.) The reality, though, is that because of the breastfeeding, I'm basically impotent. I think of it as the female version of what happens to men later in life. No matter how much foreplay we engage in, I can't get physically ready to have sex--too dry. Even K-Y doesn't seem to help, nor does the estrogen cream that my doctor prescribed. I think that when women go through this after childbirth, we tend to think it's because we're tired or overworked; we really should give more credit to the hormonal impact--I'm convinced that this is the cause.

Needless to say, this is hard for my husband, and it really breaks my heart too, even though I think it's only temporary, until I finish breastfeeding. The only thing that's keeping him sane is a good, open dialogue about it, which I've worked hard to maintain. I try to bring it up often, saying, ''you know, I'd love to have sex right now, but I have to warn you, I may not be able to.'' Of course, I encourage him to relieve himself and I try to help out now and then.

It was difficult, though, for me to come to terms with the fact that I'm unable to get it up, so to speak, at this point in my life. And I can imagine that if these are your wife's reasons, she may be afraid to express them and probably feels defensive because she knows that it's hurting you but also feels there's not much she can do about it.

My advice? Talk to your wife about whether or not this could be a physical problem. (Is she still breastfeeding? The body is an amzing thing, and women just aren't programmed to want to reproduce when they're caring for another infant.) Perhaps the estrogen cream would work for her. Also, she may feel insecure about how she looks post-baby--I know I am--and there's nothing like insecurity to put a damper on sex. Praise her looks as much as you can, letting her know that you really do think she's beautiful and desirable. She may feel that if she really opens up, you'll notice that she's not as svelte as she used to be. anon

I think it is a cliche that I have heard that men (I know, not all men) use physical intimacy to find and establish and reaffirm love, while women (I know, not all women) use physical intimacy to express it, once they already feel that way. That definitely applies to my husband and me. Sometimes I don't want to have sex because I don't feel all that close, while my husband wants to for that very reason.

Good luck. I am glad you brought it up. I'm sure we should be in therapy, and that you'll get lots of advice to do just that. Is it scary to hear that I feel about therapy roughly the same way I often feel about sex...(kind of a ''I know I know I should but what a drag'' kind of feeling). anonymous

My husband and I probably have sex once a month....I feel like it should be more often, but truthfully, I'm the one that has to initiate this in our relationship as my husband, as wonderful as he is, is very passive, and I'm busy and tired. We are somewhat affectionate to each other though...that feels easy and natural for both of us, I'd have to say.

I think without her participation there may not be a lot you can do....you might try professional counselling and hope that she may be open to hearing what you've learned in counselling. good luck, anon

This inquiry could dig up a lot of stuff for both of you. It's rarely just about the sex. Go to a counselor who can mediate the discussion and help the two of you find perspective on whatever comes up. Of course the mere suggestion of counseling could be scary too, with the (incorrect) implication that counseling is a step toward breakup. Realize that not dealing with issues is really the destructive path, while counseling is the path for togetherness.

FWIW: my partner and I went to four different counselors until we found one we could deal with. In the end, we split up last year, but with much better understanding of what had gone wrong. I really felt it could have gone either way. Such valuable lessons in life. anon

First off, check out this web site by two women (Dr. Berman M.D., and Dr. Berman Ph.D.) who run a clinic for women in L.A. http://www.newshe.com/ They also wrote a book (''For Women Only'') on female sexual dysfunction that would be very useful for both you and your wife to read. There are many things that will kill a woman's sex drive: depression, anxiety, exhaustion, hormones (especially when nursing), pain during sex, past surgeries and childbirth, unresolved psychological issues regarding body self-image, past events or the relationship with the partner, etc. Being overweight can effect sex drive also. (Fat cells do something to bind and lock up free testosterone, and testosterone is needed for sex drive.) Is she on the pill? I used to have pain with intercourse until I went off the pill.

Your wife may be too exhausted for sex because you have young children, or may have psychological issues that she is not facing. She also may feel very guilty, like I do, which suppresses sex drive even more. I would suggest that you get that book I suggested, or a similar one. (There are several good books out there. Check amazon.com.) If your wife is willing, the book suggests that she get herself checked out physically and the book suggests tests that physicians can do and questions you can ask during the examination. You might also want to try marriage counseling or she might want to try counseling on her own. The solution might be as simple as hiring a maid or a babysitter more often to give your wife a break and to give her more energy. Regular exercise can help too. Anyway, there is a happy medium out there where you can both be content with the amount of sex you have. It may take some work, but you two can find this place.

Don't worry about how much sex other people have. I think our society and media makes us think that we should be sexual animals all the time, which is unrealistic. It sounds like you are very supportive too and this is the most important thing the man can do. Keep telling her that you love her no matter what, and just ask her to read a book or talk with a doctor, etc. There are more and more resources out there to help couples deal with sex issues. I hope this helps and good luck! anonymous

She's tired. She knows your unhappy with this aspect of your lives. She can't help it. She feels guilty but she just can't give more and more. This may be why she cries when you bring it up, she doesn't have a solution.

Skip the roses, skip the chocolates, and fold the laundry instead without asking. Help CONSISTENTLY because you want to make her life easier not because you want sex. If she's rested and happy and not angry, she will find that place where she wanted intimacy. It takes a long time though.

Also, be aware that bearing children puts one's body in touch with the biological forces that drive sex--namely reproduction. It may sound silly, but once one has a child to take care of, nature has a way of trying to protect the lives of mother and baby by preventing a new pregnancy right away (= no sex drive in the mom). It takes time. You will be a better man for sticking it out.

One final word of advice--masturbate. Often. Ask your partner if she is willing to participate with you--either by watching you, by talking to you during, by touching you while you masturbate, or by mastubating simultaneously with you. My partner and I masturbated together when sex was both physically and psychologically uncomfortable for me, and it really re-energized our sex life. It turned out that we both really enjoyed watching each other while being responsible for our own sexual pleasure. (Even now, after my sex drive has returned, he still asks for that sometimes). He looked at (non-offensive/non- violent) magazines, and sometimes we watched movies together for inspiration. Good vibrations is a good resource. Oral sex is a good choice, too. Sometimes, when in the depths of despair about my lost sex drive, my partner would gently ask if he could do this for me, and it was a most generous, loving sexual gesture. Make it clear that you have no expectations that she reciprocate when you offer. Perhaps this will help (even temporarily) put her back in touch with her own sexual feelings. Good luck to you. anon.

By the way, in some parts of the world, a father is kept away from a new mother for a period after birth (in some areas up to a year) and no sex is allowed. For obvious reasons mothers need to focus onthe child. I think biologically speaking sex (reproduction)is least useful within the years after a child is born so perhaps our system doesn't encourage it. Modern day life with no support systems to raise children in and couples relying on each other for everything including feelign good about themselves, does of course. The article above gives great suggestions. anon

Arousal has just very recently been impossible

Help! I'm looking for professional guidance that can help me with sexual dysfunction/low libido issues. Its definitely more than just being a working mother of a nursing, two year old. Yes. I know that energy might be a factor. But sex with my mostly, loving husband (yes, I know that description could also be part of the problem) has increasingly ended in tears on my part (after I give in once a month or so.) I'm not sure if I should see a medical doctor or a therapist , or both. I can not even arouse myself anymore. My husband and I are already in couples therapy (things have gotton much better and we are both committed to making things work). I do have a history of sexual abuse as a child, but at 34 yrs. old I have never felt damaged by those experiences. And please. I know that is a red flag for most, but it has never been an issue for me. (There are many people who have survived abuse and not been seriously hindered as an adult right? I've never been able to connect that experience with the hills and vallies of my adult life and neither have past therapists.) I know all of the above sounds like a lot of baggage. But, although sex has never been a strong point for me, arousal has just very recently been impossible. It does seem to be atleast in part, a physical problem. I have my difficulties like anyone else. But, atleast today (a ''morning after''), this is a problem I have to address once and for all. Any reccomendations for treatment...doctors...life strategies would be a beginning. absolutely anonymous

My sex drive returned post-baby, but his did not

I read with interest the recent discussions about gaps in a new parent's sex life. So I wanted to pose a similar question to this board: Is no sex always a marriage killer?

Our sex life died with the birth of our second child. After about six months my sex drive returned, but his did not. He will not consider counseling, much less Viagra. It's now been three years, and I have cornered him twice in desperation to tell him plainly that this is a very big deal to me and we need to do something about it. He mumbles something about being sorry, but he's just not into it anymore. He does spend a lot of time on porn sites. Ordinarily I don't mind this, but it's an insult when he's not giving me any of that interest. The only reason I'm not having an affair is because I haven't met anyone to have one with. I'm a 40-year-old mommy of two, not exactly a stud-magnet.

All this said, every other aspect in the marriage is good to great. He's a wonderful, attentive and playful father to our kids. We get along fine - many common interests, close-knit goals, mutual admiration. He cooks, he cleans, he sometimes brings me coffee in bed on the weekdays! We have a harmonious and happy home life, many friends, good extended family relations, etc. It's like I've had kids with my funny, friendly, cool and platonic roommate.

I don't want to get divorced. But I want to have sex and my anger over this is spilling over onto my overall attitude. I am fully aware of how destructive affairs can be to a relationship. And ideally I'd have an affair with my husband, who I used to have the best sex of my life with back when we met. He is absolute in his desire to not address this issue. Is there any hope for me? For us? Thanks for any advice on how I can proceed. anonymous, please

My heart goes out to you -- this stuff can be very hard. But it sounds like you and your husband have a very strong base of love and mutual respect to work from. I wish you the very best. Good luck, from an empathetic wife

Secondly, I cannot tell you if your marriage is doomed or not - NO one can, and any one, including an experienced therapist, who tries to tell you that they know, should be ignored. Every situation is unique, because the people involved are unique. I suspect that lack of sex is *usually* a sure sign of a doomed marriage, after all, sex is a very important part of a marriage and is usually one of the main things that distinguishes this type of relationship from a regular ''friendship.''

That said, most people will likely tell you to keep pushing for therapy. I'm going to suggest an alternative, if that doesn't work.

First of all, please please please buy the book ''Passionate Marriage'' by David Snarch. I found this book to be life-transforming. It addresses this very issue eloquently, practically and insightfully, with REAL, practical suggestions about what you can DO to address sexual problems in your marriage, not just explain why they exist. And, frankly, he does a much better, much more intelligent job of explaining where they come from than anyone else *I* have read.

Next, some very unconventional advice: I think if your husband is unwilling to have sex with you and unwilling to work to change that, that he has to allow you to find other ways to get your needs met. It would be highly unreasonable (to put it VERY mildly) to object to you having an affair if he is not willing to make love with you himself. I think that at the very least you should *discuss* this as a possible solution to dealing with this problem - and it IS a problem! It doesn't have to be something sneaky and nefarious, indeed, I am suggesting openness and honesty. You cannot *make* your husband address this issue, and only *you* are truly responsible for seeing that your needs are met. I suggest to put it simply and sweetly (but firmly): I need sex. I would prefer to have it with you. If you are unwilling to even discuss this issue, then I must go elsewhere to have my needs met. I want to do this in a way that is not threatening or harmful to you or our relationship, both of which I value very much. What would work for you?

As for not being a stud-magnet - so what? You don't need a stud, you need a lover. There are lovers for all kinds of women--my friend is a 46 year-old single mom and has a fabulous and very attractive lover - also in his 40's, and they have an abundant sex-life. She is not a super-model, she's just a lovely, generous, thoughtful (and frisky) woman. You too can have an abundant sex life - I am sure there are many men who would be happy to be lovers with you, it's just a matter of seeking them out.

So, my advice may be unconventional, but I say it's better than either putting up with not getting your needs met for the rest of your life (or until your husband decides to address this, whenever that would be), or getting a divorce from the father of your children and the man whom you otherwise find to be wonderful.

If that part of my advice is just too ''out there'' for you, at least buy the book. I promise you won't regret it --heck, I'll send you a copy, if you want - contact the moderator for my email, I have an extra copy that I'll be happy to send your way.

Wishing you the best. annie

Sex drive after 40: mine has diminished, his is getting stronger

I have been married for 6 years to a wonderful guy, however, our sex life is suffering. His sex drive has remained strong (and seems to be getting stronger), but mine has diminished greatly. Today he mentioned how it used to be 5 times a week (I reminded him it was during our ''newlywed'' phase), then slowed to 2x a week, then 1x, now once every other week on average (although I disagree w/that last number--it is more often weekly than biweekly). I reminded him that we are now parents (of a 16 month old) and that time is much more limited now. I am starting to get resentful when he brings it up and seemingly seems to say that having a child should not impact our sex life at all. It makes me want to be less intimate, not more. Also, he ordered 4 videos that came yesterday--3 on lovemaking/spicing up your sex life, and 1 on massage. I found myself being angry about them--maybe because he didn't talk to me first about it. I'm honestly not sure, since I'm not a prude and own some x- rated videos myself. I guess what I'm hoping is that someone can offer me some guidance in how to get interested again in sex. BTW, I can't blame it on post-partum anything--my child is adopted.

In addition, I have talked to other friends of small children who seemed somewhat surprised that we were having sex as frequently as once a week as they were not. When I mention that to my husband, he just gets mad and accusatory and we end up arguing. Am I/are we the only ones whose sex life has been impacted since becoming parents--I think not. Thanks for any helpful information. not feeling sexy

In my 30s I lost interest in sex with my husband and it turned out to be symptomatic of a larger problem - I was falling out of love with him.

I am older now, remarried (for 5 years) and have two kids with my new husband. I still feel extremely sexually attracted to him and the only impediment to 5x/week for us is finding the time &/or privacy with two wee ones in the house. There is no lack of desire on either of our parts. I hate to sound like Dear Abby, but I really think this is a make-or-break issue, particularly if your husband is unhappy with your frequency, and you should see a counselor to find ways to reconnect with each other. I doubt it's solely about sex drive - there are probably underlying resentments that keep you from wanting to be intimate with your husband, and you really need to talk about these things or they'll only get worse. (And don't get me started on the 50 - 75% of married men I meet at work who are ''on the make'' because they don't get sex at home.) been there

Should I put Viagra in my husband's soup?

We are not American, so whereas a couple might consider talking about this here, we certainly would not - it would probably cause damage to our relationship. I have heard of Viagra, like everyone else on this planet, as a way to increase his sexual stamina, but of course I could never discuss this with him. This may get a few laughs, but has anyone ever resorted to purchasing Viagra on the Internet and using it in a discreet manner ( in the chicken soup) with their spouse? If you have, or can think of other advice, I would appeciate it!

In the mean time, please know that most people can solve this kind of problem by communicating. If you are really unable to speak to your husband about it, you can still work on you own. There is a book by Carole Altman available at Amazon that may help. It is called "You Can Be Your Own Sex Therapist : A Systematized Behavioral Approach to Enhancing Your Sensual Pleasures,Improving Your Sexual Enjoyment.~ She also wrote another book which is less of a workbook, more of a voyeristic journey. But this first one, although not particularly well-written, begins with a very helpful exercise which helps you to really consider what it is that your relationship needs. If you just take a leap of faith and try completeing the questionnaire, I guarantee that you will discover something helpful. At the follwing site, you may find other titles that interest you. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ats-query/002-1784112-6435456

That said, you might consider spicing your (his!) foods with: Mexican damiana leaves, saw palmetto berries, kava kava root, Nigella sativa L. (Ranunculaceae) - Roman Coriander? (AKA Black Caraway Seed, its active ingredient is Arginine), ginseng, lanceleaf periwinkle (full of yohimbine) if you can't get actual African yohimbe bark, pignoli "nuts," IF they are the seeds of the Italian Stone Pine (Pinus pinea L. (Pinaceae), poppyseed cake or muffins using the seeds of the Great Scarlet Poppy (active ingredient Arginine, bot. name: Papaver bracteatum L. (Papaveraceae)), rocket seed, and/or cumin, and the particular varietal of the Sarsaparilla root called Smilax ornata. I do have a few other recommendations in the herbal area, just write back to the list if you want more info, as I am too shy to give my "real" name or email address on this topic. All of this is cooking rather than doping, and if you like you can tell your husband it's a special recipe to help you both feel romantic, or whatever, so as to not feel that there's any question of doping left. He might be pleased that you are doing special things to set the mood for your evening. Cannibis also has an aphrodisiac effect on many people, but since it's illegal, I wouldn't recommend that.

Try setting a very romantic mood in other ways prior to actual lovemaking, including smell and texture as well as visual stimuli such as soft lights or candles, possibly very "background" music, perhaps a shared scented bath, a massage with sweet oil (not a good idea if he will fall asleep instead!), scarves or other items that you both find appealing, varied or interrupted positions (nothing too contrived or uncomfortable, of course), or gentle teasing without actually bringing your husband to climax. Although Altoids are very popular with some couples at the moment, it does not sound like a particularly good approach in this case -- of course, you could just chew one to make your breath minty!

As for scents, in American men at least (this is a weird one), the scent of pumpkin pie was found to be the greatest turn-on sexually out of a large variety of scents which were tried in a university study. The spices include ginger, mace or nutmeg (mace is the rind of the nutmeg), cinnamon, and a few others, or you can buy it premixed from the supermarket... or try a variety of scents out on him, only one or two at a time, and figure out what HE likes best. Try to make the time for your romantic evening distinct from your home duties, and uninterrupted (important), almost an exotic adventure for both of you.

One other thing. Men tend to have better sexual stamina if they are in good shape -- if he has not been exercising at all for some time, not only is it dangerous for his health, but he will feel tired (physically) more easily, and his sexual stamina will definitely suffer. I have seen this in our own lives as well -- when my husband is working out, our sex life is much better. I would day this for myself as well, but unfortunately I have always been ready to go at a moment's notice. Of course I married a guy to whom it's NOT all that important :-) But he is wonderful(!!!), so for me the "once in a while" nature of our sex life has been worth it. As it was for you, before this guy, most of my relationships were intensely sexual, whatever else was going on. I wish you luck. Before the baby, I had worried that this sex-drive mismatch might eventually break up an otherwise wonderful marriage. Now it seems less crucial :-)

KAVA DRINK: mix together in a blender; one ounce of powdered Kava Kava root, two tablespoons of olive oil, one tablespoon of soya lecithin granules and ten ounces of water. Blend on high for one minute. This amount will suffice for 2-4 people.

Damiana can also be infused as "a delightfully strong tasting cordial." To produce this `Damiana liqueur' soak one ounce of Damiana Leaves, two tablespoons of Saw Palmetto berries, two tablespoons of Angelica root and a l/2 tablespoon of vanilla pods in 750 ml. of whisky. After one week, strain the mixture through a coffee filter save the liquid. Re-soak the herbs, etc. in 750 ml. distilled water for another week and then strain this second mixture. Heat the second mix to approximately 80C and dissolve one cup of honey into the hot liquid. After the honey has dissolved, remove from the heat, allow to cool somewhat and then add it to the first (whiskey) mixture.

You must then age the whole thing for at least a month! One ounce of liqueur, taken once a day for a few weeks should produce interesting results. Herbs usually work in a gentle fashion so don't expect instantaneous results. Indeed, because of their different metabolism, some people may not experience any effects whatever, while others may find the results too potent. Use these herbs in a respectful manner and use them in moderation, over-indulgence or extended use may have harmful side-effects.

The following tea is from: http://pages.prodigy.com/gardenshop/herb47.htm Tea: Combine equal parts of Damiana leaves and Saw Palmetto berries. Reduce to a powder using a coffee mill. Use 1 tsp a day taken in water or can be put in capsules.