Berkeley Parents Network: Hospital Stays & Surgery

Berkeley Parents Network

Hospital Stays & Surgery

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Advice about Health > Hospital Stays & Surgery

Questions

Preparing a 3 1/2 year old for kidney surgery
Talking to a 3-year-old about surgery
8-year-old's surgery for tethered cord
Preparing 2.5 year old for dad's surgery
Preparing 4 and 6 year olds for mom's surgery

Related Pages

Preparing a 3 1/2 year old for kidney surgery

March 2005

My 3 1/2 yr old son likely will need surgery to correct a problem with one of his kidneys. He's a sensitive kid, and I'm not sure how to talk to him about the surgery to lessen the trauma of the experience. I feel like I need to prepare him, but I *don't* want to scare him. Any advice? I'm also thinking that some ''gifts'' (bribes, distractions, whatever you want to call them) might help. Any suggestions there? Any ''been there, done that'' stories appreciated. I'm trying really hard to hide my fear, to be as ''natural'' as possible, but this is hard for me, too. (And any advice on how to successfully fake ''natural'' in this situation appreciated, too!) Freaked Out Mom

My daughter had surgery to correct crossed eyes about 1.5 yrs ago when she was 3.5 yrs old. Her surgery was in Seattle and our experience with the hospital was really good. They offered a ''pre-op party'' a few days before where other kids who were getting surgery could come with their families and check things out ahead of time and even climb onto the operating table and play with the controls to make it go up and down and try on the anesthesia masks. It was great! On the day of the surgery, even though she was nervous, our daughter knew exactly what to expect and she even got to help the anestheiologist disepense her medicines pre surgery. She marched right into the operating room and climbed onto the table herself (she is NOT a child who typlically walks boldly in unfamiliar situations).

I highly recommend that you make sure the hospital will allow you to be at your child's side when they go to sleep, it was really hard for me to see her go under the anesthesia but great for her to see me right there. Also, make sure the hospital is consciencious about making sure they come get you BEFORE your child wakes up after surgery. That was really important for us.

All in all, a good hospital team and communicative surgeon really make a big difference. We found it really important to just be up front with our daughter ahead of time about what they needed to do and why they needed to do it. It helped her to know about other people she knew who had also had surgery for various reasons so she could see that people came out of it OK. Before her operation, whenever I brought it up she would say ''I'm not going!'' and we would just acknowledge her fear and reaffirm that we would be there with her and we'd all do our best to make it as fun as we could.

Afterward she was mostly unphased (I was emotionally exhasusted however). She spent a lot of time (months) doing surgery on her animals, trying to reinact it and continue to process the whole experience but it was very matter of fact. I would also warn you that general anesthesia tends to knock out the immune system somewhat so she caught a lot more colds for about a year after the surgery.

I would also advise that you are VERY careful what you say in front of your son about the surgery. My daughter would get really upset when I would talk about it to other people in front of her. She doesn't mind so much now but it used to really bother her.

I wish you a safe and smooth experience. It will be full of strong feelings for all of you, but your son (and you) will come out just fine! Best wishes, Sarah

I am a 54 year old who had extensive surgery up to 4 years of age. My advice from having been through what your son will experience is two-fold. When you explain what will happen and why, you make sure that he understands that there is nothing ''wrong'' (in the sense of bad) with him. Also, you want to avoid any feelings of abandonment. For me it was very important that my parents were with me at the hospital when possible and that I knew that they would show up when they said they would. This is the outline, but if you would like to discuss this further, I would be happy to give you more detail about my experience. I don't know specifics about your son's situation, e.g., length of expected stay, follow-up surgery etc., that might be germane. patrick

My son had his tonsils out at about 3yrs 8 mos. Children's hospital set up a meeting for us with the social worker to help prepare him. We met with the surgeon also. My son got to talk with them about the upcoming surgery (he told the doctor he didn't want it done because he was afraid the knife would hurt, and he told the social worker the only good thing about it was he wouldn't have to eat broccoli for a week). They decided he was anxious enough that they gave him demerol before sending him in for the anaesthetic and he went off cheerfully. He felt awful afterwards, of course, but there was no lasting trauma. I think it helped him to have a chance to see the facilities. Also, he had questions later on (what happened to my tonsils?) and the social worker talked with him on the phone about it. Maybe your hospital will also provide this help. Another anxious mom

I haven't exactly been there but my advice is not to tell him about it too far in advance- maybe just a day or two. If he's sensitive maybe he'll worry about it if told sooner. Definately bribe him- promise him it will be over quickly and you'll be there the whole time and bring him lots of treats and a few gifts afterward! good luck another mom

Hi Freaked-out, I struggled with this too when my then 3 yo son had surgery on his foot (he was just in for the day, and had general anesthesia). The good news is that we have world class medical care in the bay area. And its true, everything went beautifully, but I still get choked up when I think back to when I handed over my son, whom I was cradling in my arms, to the surgical team dressed in scrubs/masks. It's hard to stay calm and upbeat when everything is strange and so serious. Luckily my husband was there, and we took turns being calm and supportive for each other(I don't think I could have bluffed it the whole time on my own!). One thing that helped - the anesthesiologist gave my son some kind of relaxing medication about 45 minutes before the surgery, so my son was not afraid. However, I don't think I adaquately prepared him, because after I handed him over, I heard him demand, in a loud voice, ''what's going on here!'' Which is kind of funny now, if you think of a little 3yo demanding answers from a team of 6 adults peering at him over surgical masks and dressed in scrubs. But at the time it ripped at my heart. What you're facing is one of the hardest things I've had to do. Luckily it was over quickly, and everything turned out just fine. And I'm sure it will in your case too. Donna

Talking to a 3-year-old about surgery

Jan 2005

My three and a half year old son is going to have surgery in a couple of weeks (minor -- ear tubes and adenoid removal), and he always does better when he understands in advance what is going to happen. I don't want to freak him out though. About how long in advance should I bring the subject up? And how specific should I get about what's going to happen (he's been through this once before, at 2, and the worst part about it then was waking up from the anesthetic)? In addition, any advice for books that might be useful? Karen

hello, keep it simple and truthful. i wouldn't mention it until the week before his procedure at the most so he doesn't perseverate and begin to fear the whole experience. be positive and show that you have every confidence in the healthcare team that will be caring for your son (despite the fact that having a child in surgery no matter how minimal, is nerve wracking). your hospital likely has a pediatric preoperative orientation that would suit your son well at his age. this would likely include an age-appropriate tour of the preop area he will be visitng the day of his surgery, etc. good luck! been a parent of a toddler in surgery

If your son is getting surgery at Oakland Children's, you can get (free) advice from the Child Life Specialist. Don't know what other hospitals provide this service, but it is worth asking the hospital if it is available. These folks can answer many of your questions. Some things we did that helped with our 5 year old were dramatic play- you can use a doll or stuffed animal--of the procedure and also read the Mr. Rogers book about going to the hospital ( long for a three year old--you might want to skip some of the text and talk about the pictures) I think starting to talk and play some about this a week or two in advance is helpful. Main thing is for the talk and play to be relaxed and fun, but also making space for the child's feelings and concerns. Children need to be reassured, but not mislead about there being some discomfort involved. Best of luck--hope it goes well! a Parent and an Early Childhood educator

I know you can set up a preoperative clinic visit in the outpatient facility of Childrens Hospital. The childlife specialist there, Tom, is great. Tom will go over what to expect, show you and your child where they go to sleep, and answer all questions. It is common for children to have a short period of disorient ation after anesthesia. Most children are not aware of how they may be acting at this time. This period varies depending on the age, the type of procedure, the length of anesthesia, etc. david

Where are you having the surgery? Places that do pediatric surgery may have a 'child life' specialist/social worker who can meet with you and your child to prepare for the surgery. They discuss and play out the surgery at an age appropriate level. We saw someone at Children's in the outpatient surgery center and also at UCSF at the ambulatory care center. At UC we had to ask for it but at Children's it was automatic. best wishes

8-year-old's surgery for tethered cord

August 1998

My 8-year-old daughter has recently been diagnosed with tethered cord. She will be entering Children's Hospital in Oakland in a week or two to have surgery to correct this defect in her spinal cord. Her neurosurgeon is Dr. Nagle. If anyone has any experience with this condition, or with surgery at Children's, or any advice on how to make this as untraumatic as possible for her, me, and her 3-year-old sister I would be most grateful. You may email me directly. I am a single parent with no family in the area, and have recently used up all my sick leave and most of my vacation leave because I have been out with pneumonia, and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by it all ... Melinda

See Recommendations: Children's Hospital for more info.

August 1998

Preparations: There are children's books about going to the hospital--I don't know what's currently on the shelves, they seem to come and go, but they all say "here's what you'll find and it won't be all that bad." If it's not too babyish, one of those would probably help both your daughters; or you may need two age-appropriate books. (My guess is that the 8-year-old is going to want some babying, too--she'll probably resent being treated like a 3-year-old, but maybe not being treated like a 5-year-old.) Both of them, especially the 3-year-old, may have to be told more than once that the 8-year-old is going to the hospital to get better, not to die! 3-year-olds often have vague and unpleasant ideas about sickness and hospitals. They're kind of funny, from a distance. For both your daughters, I think the crucial factor will be your take on things--if you're upbeat and optimistic, or if you can at least make a good show of it, they'll do the same.

I expect your 8-year-old will want to take some mementoes of home along--stuffed animals, dolls, books, whatever. I know I would. You would be wise to clear them with the hospital staff in advance, of course--if they need to bend a rule, they're more likely to do it that way than when the child is checking in; or at least your daughter can be prepared and have an acceptable substitute ready. And you do want to have a good relationship with the nurses.

(3a) Regarding the leave business: I think your situation falls under the Family Medical Leave Act: you should be able to take time off to deal with this without any harm. See http://hrweb.berkeley.edu/BENEFITS/Fmla.htm. But don't delay: timely notice is required.

(3b) Also, UC Berkeley has a Catastrophic Leave-Sharing Program, under which employees who have lots of vacation leave can contribute some of it to employees who are in need of it due to serious health conditions. See http://hrweb.berkeley.edu/POLICY/Catlvshr.htm for the draft policy, or ask your department's personnel officer for the real policy, which came out in July in a Deans & Directors memo. I haven't done a word-by-word comparison, but the draft policy and the real one look the same to me. Best of luck, John

Our younger daughter also spent a night at Children's Hospital the winter before last. She had pneumonia, and had to have an iv and oxygen - which is nothing compared to surgery, but which seemed very awful at the time. Anyway -- she actually had a wonderful time. The nurse who put the IV in was absolutely wonderful. She really enjoyed all the gizmos in her room (the tv in bed! the small oxygen canister to wheel around! the fuzzy yellow slippers!). I think she also enjoyed having some time alone with me, since I stayed with her the whole time. She also enjoyed having complete control of the television. She was almost 5 at the time -- she has a sister two years older. Christina

Anyway -- despite the many awful aspects of hospital visits, there is something to be said for the novelty of it all. Definitely stay overnight with her, and she will probably appreciate the time spent with just her and no sibling.

Having visitors is fun, too -- Our older daughter came to visit with my husband. They let us meet them out in some neutral room (since she was too young to come into the hospital room) and she was unspeakably jealous (the slippers, the tiny oxygen-on-wheels). I think it was probably reassuring for them to see each other.

I think we also had a good book to read, which was good to avoid boredom. I don't know if you still read to your eight-year-old, but she might like the luxury of having a parent free to read chapter after chapter -- best of luck --

Preparing 2.5 year old for dad's surgery

July 2003

It's looking like my husband will need surgery to help repair a rotator cuff injury, after which he might need to stay in hospital overnight or so. I would sure appreciate any advice you might have in how to best prepare our very verbal 2 1/2 year old son. He's used to spending the night away from one or both of us and we have lots of very supportive family and friends nearby, so I'm not particularly concerned with that aspect of the situation. I'm more interested in things I can do to help him understand and prepare for what's going to happen. I've checked the website and only found one repsonse on this topic and it focused more on ways to get the rest necessary for a full recovery. Thanks again for your help! Kerri

I think that you're making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be. Just tell your son that Daddy is going to the doctor to get his shoulder fixed so that it won't hurt him so much. This reinforces the idea that doctors are our friends and make us feel better, not people to be afraid of.

You could explain that it will take awhile for his shoulder to get all the way better so that your son won't expect his father to be able to immediately lift him up or play ball. If he's curious to know more details, present information in a positive way. He'll probably ask if what the doctor did hurt, so his father can tell him that it didn't (or very little if it did- be honest), that doctors always do their best to make sure that they don't hurt people even though sometimes you feel a little worse before you feel better. You could tell him that our bodies are amazing and wonderful and know how to heal themselves, but sometimes need a doctor to help. Sounds like your kid is very inquisitive and you'll probably get a lot of questions, but this is a good opportunity to help him learn.

Preparing 4 and 6 year olds for mom's surgery

August 1998

I am having surgery soon. I will be in the hospital for 3 to 5 days and at home for about a month. I am not supposed to lift or carry during that time. I have two sons. One is 6 and the other is nearly 4 years old. (They are in school/daycare during the day.) I have a couple of questions.

Any helpful hints for preparing the boys for my absence during the surgery? My youngest son weighs 44 pounds and loves to run and jump on anyone in a sitting position. We have started explaining that he won't be able to do that when I get back from the hospital but we know he will not remember. I hope to "barricade" myself behind pillows and maybe a TV tray or two but I'd love advice from others who have dealt with a highly energetic child after surgery.

Thanks!

My husband recently had "minor" surgery which turned out to be much more "major" then we had been advised. (My daughter's preschool teacher wisely remarked that the surgery is only "minor" for the surgeon.) We have an almost 3 year old at home. All went well, as I'm sure it will for your family. Yes, he kept pillows around him and let our little girl know (when he saw the pre-body-launch gleam in her eye) that Daddy couldn't do any rough-housing for a while. The very genuine groan and grimace of pain the few times this rule was trespassed did a lot to make her understand. I also went to Toy-Go-Round on Solano (used toys to save $), and bought a couple of simple board games that my daughter could play with her Daddy on the bed while he was resting. Other things like drawing, etc., might be good (but calm and relatively restful) ways for you to interact with your kids without over straining yourself.

The most important thing is not to return to your normal activities too soon!!! I'm guessing this will be a tough one for a mom of two. Depending on your situation (partner? is partner helpful?, $ to spare?), perhaps you could consider getting a little outside help. Maybe some of the previously posted suggestions for house cleaners/keepers could provide a few hours of work for your family? TWICE the estimated recovery time was what it took to get my husband back to semi-normal. And even with only one child, I was really tired at the end of it, because he does a lot for our family. So please, if it's at all financially possible, consider getting a little outside paid support for yourself. It will pay you back in good health. Best wishes. Catherine

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