Berkeley Parents Advice about Health
How to raise happy children?
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October 2001
I looked through the web site and didn't find anything helpful. I'm
looking for recommendations for a book(s)/class/method of child
rearing to help foster emotional/mental health in my 16 month old
daugther based on good solid research. My husband is a pretty happy,
stable adult but his sister has bipolar disorder, and his mother and
brother are both alcoholic and depressed (brother has been sober for
past 5 years).
I am a happy and (I think) quite emotionally stable adult, but as a
teenager I engaged in risky behavior, I was depressed, I was even
suicidal at times.
Both my husband's and my parents divorced when we were young, but in my
case I didn't feel that this event was sufficiently traumatic to
warrant such a miserable adolescence. I think my parents overall did
a good job raising me. I don't understand why I was so miserable, and
I don't want my daughter to go through that if I can help it. There
are sooooo many books out there on raising children and many seemingly
based on theory. I'm a strong believer in the ability of scientific
research to provide useful guidance.
And I'm sure it's out there. I'd love recommendations for some solid,
proven resources on raising happy, healthy children.
Regarding the Resources for Raising Mentally Healthy Children, you didn't
say if your daughter was currently having any problems. You can't prevent
problems from happening any more than your own parents, who you have
admitted as having done a pretty good job of raising you, could have
prevented your problems.
There is no "proven right or wrong way" to raise a child. There really
isn't. All you will find is different opinions out there. The best book you
will find on the subject is the one that most closely mirrors your own
beliefs to begin with. I've read enough of them to know they all cater to
different personality types, but not one of them has told me the secret of
perfect parenting. There's no such thing which is why I won't recommend any
to you. No matter what the philosophy or "theory", everyone just does the
best they can. That's the bottom line. We always want our children to have
it better than we did. We always want to protect them from the things we
went through. That's human nature. Every generation goes through this. That
never changes.
A home is not a laboratory. Theories don't work with children. Common sense
(and rules) do. Any book worth anything will tell you that. That's all you
need. That and a lot of love and nurturing. Every child is different,
especially those raised together. We all learn from our own growing up
experiences.
It sounds like you already know what to do for your child. If your child is
happy and you're happy, that's all that matters. If you really feel the need
for more help, go visit a daycare or preschool you've heard other parents
praise, especially the co-ops where the parents volunteer their time. If
it's a good one, they won't mind if you just observe for a couple of hours.
Being around other parents and seeing how they deal with their children
firsthand is better experience than any book you'll ever read because what
you see is fact and what you read is just someone's opinion, including this.
You should trust your instincts.
marianne
This may seem a little tangential, but here's my advice: seriously
consider investigating your own background, your relationship with your
partner, etc. After years of therapy myself, I found that the things
that threw me for a loop were actions and behaviors within my family
that I had no idea were unhealthy, and I thought I was happy and well
balanced, and didn't start thinking about it further until my first
marriage broke up and then all hell broke loose. I think I benefited
tremendously from all the time it took me to investigate more honestly
where my own behaviors and tendencies originate, and how I can pass
those things on unconsciously to others, including my own family. It
sounds a little esoteric, but one of the books that really got me to
thinking was "The Drama of the Gifted Child," which is not really about
gifted children but the tendency for narcissism (i.e., wanting your
children to reflect who you want them to be) to pass from one generation
to the next (e.g., by praising and supporting characteristics of a child
that you prefer, and teaching a child to repress tendencies that you
don't particularly care for). The result is that a child ends up
denying parts of themselves. The book can be found at used bookstores,
and if you do read it, try to skip through the psychobabble to get to
the message. Another book that explains some of this in more lay terms
is "Getting the Love you Want." This has some exercises that help you
understand yourself relative to your family (though the book
theoretically is for couples).
You seem to be looking for a quick list of things to do better, but your
family structure and befuddlement suggest there may be other issues. I
think there may be some ways to address raising healthy kids (such as
books that help kids understand and express feelings), but if you don't
understand your own feelings or tendencies, you may simply repeat
tendencies that are passed down from previous generations. And if it's
unconscious, the books and advice won't help and could hurt (e.g., you
believe that you're doing the right thing b/c you read the book). I
also grew up in a household with an alcoholic father, co-dependent
mother, bipolar sister and depressed brother. It never occurred to me
to try to figure out what was wrong (nor did I believe that it had any
effect on me whatsoever). I now have more empathy for my siblings and
parents, more ability to protect my own self-esteem and personal
boundaries and stand up for myself, better communications skills, and
immensely improved self-understanding. And I have seen how this
translates to my interactions with my own family members (and, quite
frankly, professional colleagues). It took me a while before I found a
therapist that was effective for me, and it also took some intensive
reading and self-reflection and practicing healthier behaviors. Maybe
if you notice some internal conflict of your own, or conflict with your
partner or child, that could provide the avenue in which to explore
this.
I hope this helps. I responded with this since your family sounds so
similar to mine, and your attitude sounds so similar to mine 10 years
ago, and I feel very strongly that personal mental health is the best
way to ensure passing on good mental health to your children. Sorry
for the long post.
The opinions and statements expressed on this page
are those of parents who belong to the
UC Berkeley Parents Network and
should not be taken as a position of or endorsement by the
University of California, Berkeley.