Advice about Moving with Kids
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Advice about Moving with Kids
Jan 2006
My family is moving to Denver in February, which I'm fast
learning is a terrible time to move if your kids are in school.
My daughter is 3 1/2 and LOVES LOVES LOVES school. She adores
everything about it -- especially the stimulation, the friends,
and the routine. I'm convinced that the best way to ease her
transition to Denver is to get her into a school right away so
she can start establishing a new routine and new friendships,
but I've discovered that many preschools do not like taking kids
so late in the year. In fact, I cannot find a single opening
for her. This means she would have to wait until summer
programs start (in June -- four months after the move) before
she could have a school-like experience again. I'm wondering if
my husband and I should be willing to have me and my kids stay
here so she can complete the year (with my husband flying back
and forth from Denver on the weekends). Or is it okay for her
to have such a gap, considering that she is so young? I hate
the thought of being separated from my husband for several
months, but I also want to do what is best for my daughter.
Help! And thanks so much.
Amy
I think you should re-read your message, because it sounds like
you would turn your life topsy-turvy so your child could stay
in the same preschool. It sounds like she would probably make
an OK adjustment to something else, and when you get there,
something will surely pop up. I think the separation from DAD
is more of a concern than the separation from preschool.
Anon
I think the most important message you can send your child is that you
and your husband and she are FAMILY and that is the most important
thing... more important than preschool, or playdates, or almost anything.
The strain on your family from being separated -- and from traveling
back and forth -- is much too much to pay for the fear of disrupting your
little child.
Jump in and deal with your new home -- together.
Heather
Hi. We were in a similar situation - moved to a totally new
state in December 2 years ago with our 3.5 yr old and did not
find a preschool slot for him for 3 months. He also loved
preschool, and REALLY loved his friends (both in and out of
preschool). We finally found something in March that took him
until the end of the school year, but then we would have had to
start him in a summer program with new kids, before starting
him in yet another (much better, in our minds, but different)
program in September. (They had no openings until then.) So we
opted to keep him out of anything for the summer. A lot of
transition - I felt no lack of guilt - but he was totally and
completely fine with all of it. Once we moved he got lots of
one-on-one time with me (and his little sister), which he
loved. We did lots of exploring together, arts and crafts,
libraries, etc. And we made (and received) cards for/from his
old friends and his old preschool class - that helped a lot. I
did decide to enroll him in the one place in March, when they
had an opening, because it was clear he'd benefit from more
time with other kids - but he wasn't unhappy in the meantime.
It took a bit of time to adjust to the new preschool, but he
ended up liking it and having fun C" and it was great for all of
us in that we met new families through the preschool. It was
worth it.
Kids adjust very quickly at that age, and seem to find the fun
in just about any situation. Moving can be sad, but also
exciting. For us it would have been a lot harder to suddenly
lose daddy during the week than to go all together to a new
place and start exploring, making friends, etc. In one year's
time he was in three different preschools, with two ''breaks'' of
several months each where he was strictly with family. A lot
of change and yet I don't think he was scarred in any way -
he's perfectly well-adjusted and happy, and still loves
school. The only rather funny aftereffect - he recently asked
me what school he was going to next year, because ''I'll have
been here (kindergarten) a whole year, and that's enough -
don't I get to try another school after that?''
Good luck.
Hello. We are currently in a similar situation. My husband
accepted a new job in Connecticut in November. Since our son
had just started preschool in September, we decided to stay in
the Bay Area until the end of February (coinciding with his 4th
birthday). Our son LOVES his school and we hated to move him so
soon after the start of the year. He has great little friends,
fabulous teachers, and we were concerned about disrupting
his ''routine''. My husband left a week ago and the separation
has been unbearable for my son. He is crying every day asking
when we can ''go on the plane and be with daddy''. We had the
best of intentions in staying behind, but he is too young to
understand our reasons and only knows that we are here and
Daddy is not. I, too, worry about the lapse in time that he
will be out of school (4 months) but feel that it is better to
be together as a family and miss out on a few months of
preschool than to stay here and miss daddy/dh so much. Not to
mention, it is exhausting to be home alone with two little ones
and get ready for a household move. I say, stick together as a
family. There will be plenty of preschool friends and
experiences after the move.
My .02
We moved to the Bay Area from So Cal when our daughter was 18 months and was
in the same school situation as yours. Our daughter was in a Montessori program
that she adored and when we moved here we could not find an opening for her in a
school for 6 months. It was a horrible disaster. Moving was hard enough on her but
my daughter is not good at transitions to begin with. To make matters more
complicated, I was 7 months pregnant with her little sister. However, I really think
that leaving her school, her friends and her trusted routine was what really made
her miserable. Almost 2 years later, she still hasn't really recovered. She is much
more angry and mistrustful than she was. When we finally got her into a school she
loves again she became much happier. The thing is that I don't know that waiting
until the end of the semester would've helped. It was the taking her out of the
comfortable, trusted and familiar environment that was the issue for her and that
would've happened had we waited or not. She was out of school for 6 months when
we moved but I think it was actually better for her to be at home with me because
she felt safe with me. Angry maybe but safe. Anyway, I don't know the answer but if
you want to hear more aout our experience, feel free to e-mail me off list. Good
luck.
lynn
This was also an issue for us when my husband & I decided to
move from Berkeley to the Sierra Foothills last year. Our
daughter was also 3 1/2 when we moved last year. We stressed
out over the impact it might have on her and now looking back
at it, it was more our anxiety over the move. We talked with
several friends who had also moved when their children were at
the same age, and the response was the same. The kids make
friends fairly easily and the transition can be a very positive
thing if present that way. We pulled her out of her preschool,
which she loved & had many friends, in April. We were not able
to start her in her new preschool until June. During that time
she was able to spend alot of quality time with her
grandparents & my husband during the weekdays. On the weekends
we did a lot of exploring as a family. And it brought us all
closer together. Although she would ask if she was ever going
back to school. She made friends at her new school within a
week and wanted to have playdates and was invited to birthday
parties within a month. Through her friends at school, we have
now made very good friends with some of the parents. Its my
feeling that it might be more stressful for everyone to have
your husband move first just to keep her in school. Take the
time off from school to explore your area, teach her how to
ski, join some classes you can do together, once you start
school again its harder to find the time to do all of the fun
gymastic/swimming/sports classes. Good luck,
A
March 2003
Hi - we're going to be moving in the next month or two and would
love to get recommendations for books that may be appropriate to
help a 4.5-year-old prepare for the change. We're just moving
within the same town and her school will not change. She seems
excited about the new house, but I'm not sure if reality will
match her excited anticipation once we move simply because she
is not great with transitions. Thanks!
Lori
We have one about kids moving into a new castle (''We're
Moving''), but can't remember the author. Frank Asch (''Goodbye
House'')and the Berenstain's have good books too for the
preschool set.
Happy Moving!
anon
When we moved, our real estate agent gave us ''Make Way For
Ducklings''. It's a classic - perfect for your child's age. I'm
sure you can find it in the library.
ellen
One of the best books about moving is: ''Alexander, who's not (do
you hear me? I mean it!) going to move'' by Judith Viorst. Good
and funny, it will most likely jump-stat some interesting talks.
good luck
December 1996
We will be moving soon (from Daly City to Novato). We have had the same
home day care provider for 4 years. Our youngest son, 27 months old, gets
very distraught when he is left alone with someone other than our day care
person, my husband or myself. It is better if his older brother (5 years
old) is around. When we move, our 5 year old will have to adjust to a new
preschool and day care. Our younger son, for the first time, will be in
group day care. Any helpful hints for helping them adjust to a new home,
new daycare, and new school? Thanks, Janis
We moved when our daughter was about 22 months old. Unfortunately, our
daughter was being taken care of elsewhere while we did most of the moving.
Because of time constraints we ended up dumping everything into the new
place so we could rush over to San Francisco, have dinner and pick up our
daughter. By the time we got back to the new place, it was dark and late,
and our daughter had fallen asleep in the car. She woke up as we carried
her into the house and she was completely disoriented and traumatized by the
disorder. She literally cried hysterically for hours. We even got up at 3
in the morning to drive around in the car hoping she'd calm down and fall
back asleep--which she did. Only she awoke as soon as we returned and
continued crying hysterically for several more hours. Finally, in a state
of exhaustion she fell asleep. The next day she was a bit better but when
we went out for a walk, on our return to the new house she lay down on the
sidewalk and cried about wanting to go to the other house. By the second
day she was fine, and shortly after she seemed to have no recall of the
former house. We even drove by it a few times but she didn't seem to
recognize it. So, to make a long story short, young kids can be very
sensitive to change, much more than we ever realized. If possible, you
might try to move gradually. Perhaps you could get your child's room
unpacked early so she could get accustomed to the new room. Perhaps having
your child present when the actual moving is done will help her see what is
happening as words alone won't make any sense if she has never moved before.
Minimizing the chaos might also help. But on the bright side, it would seem
as if the trauma is shortlived as kids are very adaptable. Our daughter
quickly liked her new home and the novelty of a new place. Having her
parents and toys and routine remain the same meant that only one part of her
life had changed. That also helped. Good luck.
Maria
Well, I guess I oughta come clean: I am a hanger-on, now living in Austin
after moving away from Berkeley in the fall, after my husband's visiting
professorship ended. I like participating in this group because 1) a lot of
what we talk about are issues common to parents in general, not just parents
in Berkeley; 2) we hope to return to Berkeley ASAP, but of course that
depends on the availability of academic jobs; and 3) I like the group! In
any case, I save all the info that I hope will come in handy some day, like
stuff about public schools. And we do visit Berkeley often (just returned
from a 3-week holiday visit, where we took your advice re: haircuts and Xmas
lights and Fairyland Santa), as my husband's family and all our
graduate-school buddies are there.
That said, the rest of this message won't sound quite so odd. I responded
in the last digest with some tips on moving; there are a few more below.
When we moved in August, Danny (2.5 yo) changed to a much bigger daycare (4
classes of 10-12, instead of one group of 6-12), moved to a new house in a
new state, no longer saw the friends that he was just learning to socialize
with, and no longer saw his grandparents, to whom he is very close. I was
very anxious about how he would adjust. But I think he did amazingly well.
Maybe he did so well because he is gregarious, maybe because he had some
vague memories of Texas (he lived here until he was 13 months old) and saw
pictures of our house and friends while we were visiting in Berkeley.
Plan to spend *a lot* of time with your youngster to help him/her adjust. I
was surprised to find that I had to spend two weeks of attending my son's
new day care with him, from 2 to 6 hours at a stretch. Also, the first time
we stayed through nap time, I lay down beside him 'til he fell asleep, then
read in the next room until the kids got up; the next day I told him that I
would run an errand while he slept but that I'd come back when he woke up.
We kept his days there short until we felt like he was comfortable with the
place, but we were careful to take him for at least a part of each day. I
suppose I could've spent less time with him, but I just could not bear the
thought of him feeling abandoned among strangers. After we started leaving
him there by himself, he did occasionally cry when it was time for us to go
(the caregivers say he stops quickly), but he never cries when we take the
time to make sure he's involved in some activity. Now, he loves the place
and won't leave when I come to pick him up early (although he's happy for me
to stay with him all afternoon).
You also have to be really clear with yourself that you are happy (and not
ambivalent) about the arrangements. I was sad to leave California, and
uneasy (at first) about putting Danny in such a big day care, and I think
that these uneasy feelings were clear to him and prolonged his adjustment.
In the new neighborhood, we made an effort to go to each new park or pool or
special place (museum, zoo, etc.) a few times in a row, and tell him their
names, so that he would feel secure in the new places. We also have a
regular playdate every Saturday, with the same group of kids. This may be
the hardest part to set up, if you are new to a town, but I think it's worth
the effort to try to make friends for your child quickly.
And don't be surprised if s/he backslides on toilet learning, sleeping
independently, or any of those other milestones! With time, your child will
settle in.
We are lucky that the Berkeley grandparents give us a good reason to go back
to Berkeley often, so we are able to take him back to see his favorite
places and friends. A few weeks ago we visited the house where we rented
last year, and he told the 3 yo who lives there now: "You know what, Sarah?
I used to live in this house, and when this house got old, I moved to
Texas!" It seemed to us then that he was doing just fine.
Good luck with your move.
Andrea
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