Berkeley Parents Network: Advice about Moving with Kids

Berkeley Parents Network

Advice about Moving with Kids

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Going Places > Advice about Moving with Kids

Books for kids about moving

March 2003

Hi - we're going to be moving in the next month or two and would love to get recommendations for books that may be appropriate to help a 4.5-year-old prepare for the change. We're just moving within the same town and her school will not change. She seems excited about the new house, but I'm not sure if reality will match her excited anticipation once we move simply because she is not great with transitions. Thanks! Lori

We have one about kids moving into a new castle (''We're Moving''), but can't remember the author. Frank Asch (''Goodbye House'')and the Berenstain's have good books too for the preschool set. Happy Moving! anon

When we moved, our real estate agent gave us ''Make Way For Ducklings''. It's a classic - perfect for your child's age. I'm sure you can find it in the library. ellen

One of the best books about moving is: ''Alexander, who's not (do you hear me? I mean it!) going to move'' by Judith Viorst. Good and funny, it will most likely jump-stat some interesting talks. good luck

Helping a toddler adjust to a move

December 1996

We will be moving soon (from Daly City to Novato). We have had the same home day care provider for 4 years. Our youngest son, 27 months old, gets very distraught when he is left alone with someone other than our day care person, my husband or myself. It is better if his older brother (5 years old) is around. When we move, our 5 year old will have to adjust to a new preschool and day care. Our younger son, for the first time, will be in group day care. Any helpful hints for helping them adjust to a new home, new daycare, and new school? Thanks, Janis

We moved when our daughter was about 22 months old. Unfortunately, our daughter was being taken care of elsewhere while we did most of the moving. Because of time constraints we ended up dumping everything into the new place so we could rush over to San Francisco, have dinner and pick up our daughter. By the time we got back to the new place, it was dark and late, and our daughter had fallen asleep in the car. She woke up as we carried her into the house and she was completely disoriented and traumatized by the disorder. She literally cried hysterically for hours. We even got up at 3 in the morning to drive around in the car hoping she'd calm down and fall back asleep--which she did. Only she awoke as soon as we returned and continued crying hysterically for several more hours. Finally, in a state of exhaustion she fell asleep. The next day she was a bit better but when we went out for a walk, on our return to the new house she lay down on the sidewalk and cried about wanting to go to the other house. By the second day she was fine, and shortly after she seemed to have no recall of the former house. We even drove by it a few times but she didn't seem to recognize it. So, to make a long story short, young kids can be very sensitive to change, much more than we ever realized. If possible, you might try to move gradually. Perhaps you could get your child's room unpacked early so she could get accustomed to the new room. Perhaps having your child present when the actual moving is done will help her see what is happening as words alone won't make any sense if she has never moved before. Minimizing the chaos might also help. But on the bright side, it would seem as if the trauma is shortlived as kids are very adaptable. Our daughter quickly liked her new home and the novelty of a new place. Having her parents and toys and routine remain the same meant that only one part of her life had changed. That also helped. Good luck. Maria

Well, I guess I oughta come clean: I am a hanger-on, now living in Austin after moving away from Berkeley in the fall, after my husband's visiting professorship ended. I like participating in this group because 1) a lot of what we talk about are issues common to parents in general, not just parents in Berkeley; 2) we hope to return to Berkeley ASAP, but of course that depends on the availability of academic jobs; and 3) I like the group! In any case, I save all the info that I hope will come in handy some day, like stuff about public schools. And we do visit Berkeley often (just returned from a 3-week holiday visit, where we took your advice re: haircuts and Xmas lights and Fairyland Santa), as my husband's family and all our graduate-school buddies are there.

That said, the rest of this message won't sound quite so odd. I responded in the last digest with some tips on moving; there are a few more below. When we moved in August, Danny (2.5 yo) changed to a much bigger daycare (4 classes of 10-12, instead of one group of 6-12), moved to a new house in a new state, no longer saw the friends that he was just learning to socialize with, and no longer saw his grandparents, to whom he is very close. I was very anxious about how he would adjust. But I think he did amazingly well. Maybe he did so well because he is gregarious, maybe because he had some vague memories of Texas (he lived here until he was 13 months old) and saw pictures of our house and friends while we were visiting in Berkeley.

Plan to spend *a lot* of time with your youngster to help him/her adjust. I was surprised to find that I had to spend two weeks of attending my son's new day care with him, from 2 to 6 hours at a stretch. Also, the first time we stayed through nap time, I lay down beside him 'til he fell asleep, then read in the next room until the kids got up; the next day I told him that I would run an errand while he slept but that I'd come back when he woke up. We kept his days there short until we felt like he was comfortable with the place, but we were careful to take him for at least a part of each day. I suppose I could've spent less time with him, but I just could not bear the thought of him feeling abandoned among strangers. After we started leaving him there by himself, he did occasionally cry when it was time for us to go (the caregivers say he stops quickly), but he never cries when we take the time to make sure he's involved in some activity. Now, he loves the place and won't leave when I come to pick him up early (although he's happy for me to stay with him all afternoon).

You also have to be really clear with yourself that you are happy (and not ambivalent) about the arrangements. I was sad to leave California, and uneasy (at first) about putting Danny in such a big day care, and I think that these uneasy feelings were clear to him and prolonged his adjustment.

In the new neighborhood, we made an effort to go to each new park or pool or special place (museum, zoo, etc.) a few times in a row, and tell him their names, so that he would feel secure in the new places. We also have a regular playdate every Saturday, with the same group of kids. This may be the hardest part to set up, if you are new to a town, but I think it's worth the effort to try to make friends for your child quickly.

And don't be surprised if s/he backslides on toilet learning, sleeping independently, or any of those other milestones! With time, your child will settle in.

We are lucky that the Berkeley grandparents give us a good reason to go back to Berkeley often, so we are able to take him back to see his favorite places and friends. A few weeks ago we visited the house where we rented last year, and he told the 3 yo who lives there now: "You know what, Sarah? I used to live in this house, and when this house got old, I moved to Texas!" It seemed to us then that he was doing just fine.

Good luck with your move. Andrea

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