Want to get away, but who can watch our 4-y-o?

Hi- Hubby and I have a four year old. We have never been away from him -- no weekend getaways or the like as I was not ready for that separation. I am now ready to go away for two days with hubby but realized, what does one do when you have no support network to watch your child?

My inlaws only speak another language (can't communicate to my son) and are pretty much invalids. They also have massive clutter -- only way you can negotiate their small home is through predetermined paths. Not a good situtaion for an active preschooler. My parents have three kids still at home with one on house arrest. I don't want my son exposed to all that drama -- heck, I don't like that drama. And neither parent would dare leave to watch my son at my place for fear a massive party would break out at their place.

Who does that leave? All my friends (all two of them) have kids themselves and that isn't fair to ask. And my single friends are VERY single and don't even know how to interact with a child. What should I do? need mini-vaca with hubby!

Our daughter is 5 & she & her friends absolutely adore sleepovers. Of course we only do this occasionally with close family friends who we trust & know each other's children very well & for one night only. You & dear hubby could start out with a nice dinner out & eventually be able to take a mini-vacation at the Claremont, Benicia, or in San Francisco.

These sleepovers have worked out fabulously! One set of parents gets an evening & morning to themselves while the hosting parents also get a bit of a break because the kids entertain each other. We've even discovered that we love hosting the sleepovers as much as we enjoy having time off!

These sleepovers do require planning. We first take the kids to the park to get their yayas out, set up activities for them while making dinner (& a special treat for dessert), throw the kids in the tub for a bubble bath (sometimes with bath tub paints or some special bath toys), help them brush their teeth & get into their jammies, read a few books to them, & let them stay up a little late & watch a movie. In the morning, we get them washed up & dressed, let them help us make fruit pancakes & bacon, & then take them to the park. When our daughter sleeps over at a friend's house, we have her help pack up her stuff & also provide an information sheet & copy of her health insurance card for the parents. Needless to say, we keep the cell phone on!

We hope that these trades may eventually lead to entire weekends. Finally getting a break!

Or you can try going to a hotel that offers a kids club or babysitting service. You can try the Cliffs in Pismo Beach. They offer some kids activities. Or family camp with a daycare program. Or bring a babysitter along with you to your hotel. Pricey but perhaps worth it. Or if worse comes to worse, drop your child off at the babysitter's house for an overnight. Your kid will be fine. Alone time with the spouse is very important no matter what it takes to get it!

It sounds like you answered your own question: it does not sound like you have anyone that you can comfortably leave your child with for a weekend. Even if one of these people were perectly willing to watch him, you probably wouldn't have a relaxing weekend because you would worry about the situation with him.

I think your only option is to find a babysitter and slowly increase the time that you leave your son with this person. Maybe the first weekend you could try 3 hours, next weekend an 8 hour day, then try one overnight, etc. This will probably need to be a slow transition for him and you may need to ''shop around'' for a caregiver that all of you click with. A great babysitter/nanny is worth their weight in gold! Your son may even see it as *his* vacation .... but that could take some time.

I can say though that one evening once a week, or every other, can be just as rejuvinating as an entire weekend. We have found that we prefer to go out every other Sat night and do something very relaxing--hot tub & quite dinner, or whatever else does not involve children. After those few hours away from the kids, we feel like it has been an entire weekend!

Another option would be to splurge on going to a resort that has a childcare facility, or child activities, and bringing your son with you. love time alone with the hubby too!

Pressure from the in-laws to get away

I am a stay at home mom to 2 daughters, 1 and 3. We have no childcare, and are not sending our kids to preschool, by choice. They are both very social, confident, normal kids. Every time my inlaws come to visit, there is tremendous pressure for my husband and I to ''get away'' for a weekend, and leave the kids home with Grandma & Grandpa. I don't want to do this. The only time my older daughter has been away from me for more than 4 hours is when I gave birth to the second one. She was just 2 then, and was with my parents, whom she adores, but she was an emotional wreck most of that 48 hours and was very tender the next several days too. My mom says I was the same way as a young child.

I feel very capable as a SAHM, and love every minute of it, despite the lack of sleep and normal daily struggles that come with taking care of 2 toddlers. How do I continue to say ''no thanks'' to these people who feel insulted; they hint at ''you don't trust us.'' My father in law is 74, hard of hearing, doesn't see well, and has very little concept of parenting in general; mother in law is younger and much more adept, but gets exhausted babysitting; and the two of them bicker in front of the kids, which I hate. They think our kids are too attached to me. My husband is satisfied just going out to dinner or a long walk with me when they visit; that's a treat enough for both of us. Any advice greatly appreciated.

I Like Being With My Kids

By the way, I wish I had this problem. I'm pretty burned out on being with my kids and would love to have family members offer to take over for awhile (especially grandparents) but we don't have being with my kids and would love to have family members offer to take over for awhile (especially grandparents) but we don't have family nearby. --Envious mom

I face the same thing, and I'm not comfortable with it because mom in law has such different type/standards of care than me, and because my 23 mo. Old is not comfortable with them. I tell them she still needs me to go to sleep, but then I happily take a date night with my husband after she has gone to sleep already, and my inlaw is home to watch the fort. This allows her to feel helpful, and gives me a break without the worry.

Different than Mom In Law

Having people watch her at our house (or their house if they have a child and I know its childproofed-- like other mom's in my moms group) makes it much easier, too. I feel pretty comfortable telling my mom that her house scares me (stairs, unsecured bookshelves, detergents under the sink, ant poison on the floor) and that I prefer that she not give my child chokables (once I caught her giving my two-year old those necco wafer candy hearts) and even though we get into it (''I raised three kids and you all came out fine!'') in the end she respects my wishes, but I rarely have her watch my daughter. When people balk, I just say, its me, not you, so don't feel bad. And I also say ''I appreciate that you want to help me out''. That usually ends it. anon

another attached parent

My advice is that it would be best to start weaning your children from you. It's in their best interest. Having them stay with their grandparents is a great start, but then you might want to hire a babysitter or have a friend watch them.

I also think that, because most children are in daycare or nursery school, certainly by the age of 4, your children will be at a real disadvantge, both socially and developmentally, if you don't allow them to figure out how to best deal with other adults and children. Please think about how your decisions are affecting your children. Toby

For us, both sets of grandparents live out of town and with a child and some grandparents who are more introverted than extroverted, it was harder for them to establish a relationship. I had mixed feelings about how to be a go between to support the relationships and the solutions were different for different grandparents. Story reading, lunch together, short trips and excursions to the park or the movies with Grandma/Grandpa provided some very nice one-on-one time for them. While my child was more clingey by nature, I also must admit, that I felt anxious letting my child go and probably reinforced my child's feeling clingey. Without ''pushing her out the door'', I also felt it was important to support my child in building (appropriate) self-reliance at 3/4/5 years old. Half- day pre-school 3-4 days per week, short play dates that gradually grew longer, encouraging her to ask for help from other people, letting other people do things for/with her were all important experiences for her self development. Some grandparents can play that role well.

Ten years later, she is still more introverted than extroverted, has many engaging friends, has relationships with grand parents (some closer than others), is affectionate, has times when she's very independent, and other times when she needs to be with her parents and doesn't want anyone else around.

One grandfather died this winter and we went to the funeral. Although they didn't have a close relationship, we had had enough times together that she remembered him and was very sad by his death. The funeral, in many ways, was a wonderful experience -- the family drew together, supported each other, it was ok to cry, we were all together. We watched Grandma be sad and carry on. To me, here was the value of developing these family relationships early on, although I didn't think about it like that 10 years ago.

Mom's 9-day camping trip

I'm having high anxiety about an upcoming trip in July that will require me to leave my daughter here (who will then be 22 months) for 9 days with my husband at home. She is not breast feeding any more, and is used to being in day care 5 days/week for ~6-7 hours/day.

Let me say that it is a trip of great bearing and a once-in-a-lifetime thing -- a trek with my father and sister to a remote town above the Canadian arctic circle to revisit a community we once lived in when I was a child. So in addition to the obvious adventure and eye-opening opportunities, it is an important family (re)bonding time. If it were not for these factors, I would not consider this trip. [I will note that it is only possible to fly in and out of this town (from Ottowa) on Wednesdays -- so our stay can't be shorter than 1 week -- and then there's a day of travel to and from SF to Ottowa.]

However, I have my new family now. My husband, who sweetly (and courageously) has agreed to hold down the fort and be a single dad for those nine days, has fully bonded with our daughter and they have a solid relationship. That being said, like most parents, we have our areas in which we disagree about how to do things, and my general impression is that he is less nurturing to her than I am, and more authoritarian. So I worry about the shift for her (since I am the primary caretaker), and I wonder what this will do to my daughter's heart and mind, and my relationship with her. I'd really like to hear your opinions on this. I've never before been away from her overnight...

I calm myself by remembering that we have many capable people in my husband's extended family that we can call on for help during this time. My question here is how can we best ask these people to help us -- overnights? weekend day-long visits? delivered meals? anything creative....? conflicted, anxious, excited

1) you are leaving her with her father, who has a ''solid'' relationship with her

and

2) it's only 9 days, not 9 months!

You are stressing about this because YOU will miss HER. Do not mistake your stress about this for concern that she will be traumatized for life because you were away for a week. VM

Now, as for your specific questions, my H ( who can also be a little less patient and more authoritarian than I) did what you are suggesting. He broke up my absence with trips to grandparents' houses, visits to the zoo, etc. While no one brought food, it sounds like a good idea. Our idea was to get her out of the house as much as possible, instead of having visitors, so she would be occupied instead of moping around looking for me. Then we had exciting distractions to talk about during my daily call instead of just 'when are you coming back?'. Another ploy I used out of desperation toward the end was to explain that I was looking for the perfect toy for her and didn't want to come back until I had found it. I knew of a specific doll she'd been wanting, which I'd been saying no to, and made sure to bring one home in my luggage.

You'll really be so glad that you went on the trip. It helped me remember who I was before I became a mom, and I'm really doing a lot better parenting job now because of it. Also, it's important for your daughter to develop a strong relationship of trust with her father. I'm sure you've heard of all those studies connecting a strong paternal bond with increased math scores and self confidence in girls, especially in the teenage years. It's good for her to know you're not the sole source of comfort and love for her, and that while Daddy does things differently, it's still valid.
Been there and enjoyed it

Thinking about vacation in Europe without 18-mo-old

We have been planning a two week vacation to Europe with my in- laws for the past year. We had always planned to take our 18 month old son but recently my parents (who live out of state) have offered to fly out pick him up and take him back with them for the two weeks. The possibility of a different type of vacation where we won't have to cater to naps etc. is intriguing. My question is: If you've done this before how was it for you being away and how did your child do without you for that period of time. I'm struggling between figuring out if I am the one who will have a hard time being away from him for so long or if it may be a hardship on him. He now typically sees my parents about once every 3 months and he recognizes them by pictures. Thanks! Stephanie

I did miss my children a bit, but I realize how different the trip would have been if we would have brought them along. I was able to go to museums and spend as much time as I wanted in front of a painting, or go for late dinners in nice restaurants, or take afternoon walks without worrying about naps, or children being tired. Those were places that I had dreamed of visiting for years, and I was happy that I was able to immerse myself in the experience without having to pay attention to anything else. In addition, I provided my parents and my children with a wonderful bonding experience. They had as much fun as I did, and they did not miss us a bit. Overall, a win-win situation. If I had gone only with my husband, it would have been different, because we could have planned a child-oriented vacation. But given that my in-laws were coming with us, I did not feel much like subjecting them to childrenB+s activities during their precious trip to Europe. So if your parents have offered, I would say go for it. I bet that everyone will have a great time. Anon

Want to visit my sister without 21-month-old

I would like to travel alone to visit my sister across the country but have not yet spent a night away from my now 21 month old. My daughter is fairly independent, has been in a nanny share, but seems so attached to me, especially at night, that I don't want to do any damage by leaving at what could be the wrong time in her life to do so. If you have tips/tricks for making this easier, or recommend against it, please let me know. anon

OK to leave 6 month old for 3 days?

Through my husbands job we are invited on a three day all expenses payed vacation to Beaver Creek, CO. It includes free ski lessons/tickets, meals, massages, etc. and is something that we would never be able to afford on our own. Our baby will be 6 months old when the trip is being offered and even if I will emotionally be able to leave him I am not sure if that is too young of an age to leave a baby for that long. Developmentally is he too young for that long of a seperation from my husband and I? We would be leaving him with my parents who he is very familiar with. Thanks for your advice!

It sounds like your son knows your parents well so it might not be as much of an issue. I am not sure if you are still nursing but this was also challange for us since my son would nurse at night and being separated from each other affected both of us (I had to pump more frequently in the middle of the night. At the time we were also on our way to having him sleep in his crib but when we came home, we all wanted to be together more often so we continued the co-sleeping arrangement.

One thing that helped is that my husband and I made a video of each other for our son to watch while we were away and according to my mom, it seemed to help out a lot (or at least he seemed interested).

I think it is more us as parents who are affected by the separation than the babies (although I do strongly feel that they know when we are away too. My advice is as long as you feel that your son is in the best care (with your parents), this is an opportunity for your parents to bond with him while you and your husband get away for a well deserved break (and all expensespaid in BC for that matter). Enjoy yourselves, sounds like your son is going to be in the best of care. I think it is good for all of you. Stephanie

And honestly if I had left the baby at home, I would have been very uncomfortable, possibly even got a plugged duct, the pump just doesn't do the same job of emptying breasts as the real thing, and it made my nipples sore. I would have been miserable pumping around the clock (but some women, especially those who pump at work might not have this problem.)

Sometimes I hate this aspect of breastfeeding (not being able to leave), but on the other hand I think it is how nature intended it, for the mother to never be more than a couple feeds away from the baby.

Also it can prematurly wean your baby, maybe you have already quit, or were bottle feeding, but for me I decided I wanted to reach my goal of a year, and that a weekend away was not worth cutting breastfeeding short.

But if I wasn't breastfeeding I think my biggest reason to not go if I were in your shoes, would just be the amount of work caring for a six month old is, and if my parents were biting off more than they could chew. You don't want them to shy away from future weekend get aways, because the first one was so hard.

But if I wasn't nursing I think I probably would have gone, really the choice is one only you can make. Good Luck whatever you choose.

Toddler going abroad with dad for 3 weeks

I have a 20-month-old son who is very attached to me. My husband is from Spain, goes there every year and spends 3 to 4 weeks with his parents. We have taken our son to Spain twice already (in June and December of 2001), but I cannot go this summer. We are wondering (a) whether our son is ready to go with his dad only and be separated from me for 3 weeks or so; and (b) what impact this separation will have on our son and his relationship with me. Anyone with similar experience? Undecided and concerned mom

Has your husband taken care of your son around the clock before, or are there any baby rituals (bedtime, bath time etc.) that normally only mommy does? If so, it might be advisable to let your husband take over these things for a while well before the trip, so that your son accepts it when daddy does them. Before my husband and son left, I recorded the baby's favorite lullaby onto my husband's PDA, and while they were gone, we talked on the phone every couple of days. The first few days the little guy frequently asked for mommy, but less so as time went by. The trip was a lot of new impressions for him, and being in an unfamiliar environment and surrounded by people he did not know or did not remember, he became quite clingy and did not leave his daddy out of sight. As long as daddy was in the same room, he was OK, but leaving him even for a few hours with his grandparents, aunts or cousins was next to impossible. When my husband and son came back, the baby treated mommy almost like a stranger. He clearly recognized me, but wanted to be picked up or comforted only by his daddy. It took almost a month before our relationship returned to normal. We would still do this again. Maintaining contact between our child and our families is important to us, and since they cannot all fly out to visit us, we are planning to take our kid to see them at least once a year.

If I were you, I would not deprive your in-laws of the joy of seeing their grandchild, and your son of the chance to get exposure to the world where his father is from. Kids are amazingly adaptable, and the separation might be harder on you than it is on your son. Angelika

Going to Hawaii without the kids

We are considering taking a 5 day trip to Hawaii this summer without our 2 kids (4 yrs and 2 yrs old). They would be in wonderful care at our home. I'm having mixed feelings about going and would love to hear from other people who have gone or decided not to. I'm worried about leaving them for so long - we've never left them for even a night. (There's also post 9/11 flight fear!) The 4 yr old will be fine, but 2 seems so young to leave for 5 days. He also still nurses and I'm afraid of abruptly weening him. Is it possible he would continue nursing after I return? Thanks for your thoughts!

I guess my point is that while I think 2 is a bit young, the fact that he is with his older sibling makes a big difference (I wouldn't have felt comfortable with my child at 6 flying across country to vist grandparents by himself even non-stop, but knew he wouldn't "worry" flying with his 10 year old brother). Also if his schedule is going to be the same as if you were there (ie. still in your house and doing the same routines with folks he's comfortable with) I think that makes a difference too. AND if you've "prepped" him by going on overnighters so he has an understanding of what"we'll be back" means that's important too (time is relative for young children, I'm not sure that many kids at 2 or 3 really distinguish between a couple of days and 5). Hearing your voice by phone can also be reassuring BUT I with great difficulty based upon my caregivers advice, checked in with HER that nite (she told him that we had called but that he was already asleep, which was true) but didn't talk to my child until the 2nd nite. Also, you know your own kid and probably have an instinctive notion of how he'd handle the situation. I've felt that a child doesn't have to "like it" (though mine tend to see our vacations as vacations for themselves - particularly when staying with auntie or grandparents!)but must be be able to "handle it".

At any rate, I deeply believe that its VERY important for couples to spend some time together WITHOUT the kids to reconnect/maintain the connection between themselves. And, as long as your kids are basically secure - no serious home drama/dysfunction going on - a few days absence isn't going to cause them harm (but I HIGHLY recommend doing a "test" overnighter first particularly given the rather young age of your 2 year old). Karen