Berkeley Parents Network: Extended Separations from the Kids

Berkeley Parents Network

Extended Separations from the Kids

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Going Places > Extended Separations from the Kids

18-month-old going to Russia with dad for 2 months

Dad away for 5 months

May 2003

My husband has been accepted to Officer's Candidate School in the US Army. He will be separated from us (me and our daughter who is now 19 months old) for five months. We will be able to visit after the first two months. We have taken video of him reading her favorite books, singing her songs etc. so that I can play it for her while Daddy is away. I am seeking advice, experiences from other families who have dealt with a parent being temporarily separated from the family and what they did to help their children through the separation. I would appreciate any tips, advice or recommendations. I would also like to hear other's experiences and what got them through separation. Thank you

A web cam helps us to keep in touch with east coast family. It's pretty inexpensive considering the benefits. I'm not sure how much access your husband will have to his own computer, but this might be an option. Frances

This is a pretty low-tech solution, but it works very well for our two-year- old son. All of his grandparents and other family members (uncles etc.) live in another state and my son only sees them a couple of times a year. So we got photos of all of them (ideally portrait-style, of just the person's head and shoulders without a lot of background stuff), laminated them onto sheets of paper, wrote the person's name below their photo (i.e. Grandma E), punched holes, and strung the pages together with ribbons, then added a cover with the title ''Jeff's special people.'' My son loves this book (he loves books in general), and can name all of the people in it, and likes to talk about them. Maybe you could make a ''daddy book'' for your daughter. The nice thing about a book, as opposed to a tape or something, is that it can just be there for your child to look at any time she wants; she can take it in the car or to bed... it's really versatile. Karen

I went through the exact same situtation as you, when my husband was sent to Officer's Training camp in Rhode Island. The program was scheduled for one year, and at the last minute we decided to not accompany him mainly for economic reasons.

My husband was broken hearted in leaving my son and I, but the good part was that we stayed with my parents during his absence. My father stepped in and provided my son the male figure presence during my husband's absence and with the support of my parents we were able to survive the ordeal.

It was hard, and a lot of times I felt my son was forgetting his father. But somehow, he didn't. In fact he was always extremely happy to hear from or see daddy. My son is now eight years old, and my husband is finally out of the military, allowing us to settle in the East Bay. After officer's school he went on to college in San Diego as I finished my graduate degree at Cal State Hayward, so we continued our separation even longer. All I can tell you is the following, there is no easy solution. Children are amazing. They can adapt in ways we can only imagine. I think that if you talk to your child about her father, and always address her concerns or sadness for not having daddy around, your child will be okay. Honestly, I think we suffer more than they do because we miss our husbands/partners/friends/lovers, so there are all these emotions involved.

Good luck with everything, and remember time will pass sooner than you expect. Try and keep yourself busy, it helps! Former Military Wife

I don't have many useful words about preparing for the separation, but my husband went through OCS before I knew him, and he simply suggested that your husband would be going through hell and not to expect too much from visits, which are at most two separate 1 hour periods per week until the last week. They're also not private visits. As a point of reference, my spouse went into OCS weighing 165 and came out at 145. It's extremely rigorous. stefani

18-month-old going to Russia with dad for 2 months

March 2001

My husband has decided to quit his job and go back home to Russia for a couple of months. I totally support his decision -- he needs to shake things up. My question: He would like to take our 18 mo old daughter with him... Meet the family in the old country...Save on daycare...Make my life easier while he's gone (I work and am a student as well...) Would you let your kid do this? Am I crazy to think he shouldn't take her? Jennifer

I think it very much depends on the child's relationship with her father - does he currently spend a lot of time with her, take care of her, know how to look after her? I think it would be reasonable to have him do some test days if that's not the case. The other side of it is that you will miss her while she's away - that was also so for my husband when he had to travel for weeks at a time, and our children were very small. I think, IF you are comfortable with your husband's ability to actually look after your daughter, it COULD be a good opportunity for you to realise that you are an important independent person too - and can take advantage of the freedom. Make sure you're comfortable with what you choose, though, and don't feel pushed. - you've got the right to make the choice. Fiona

I would vote "no" on such a trip. Eighteen months is too young to be in another country without both parents. What if something happened to your husband? What kinds of difficulties would you have in locating and retrieving her? What if his relatives became uncooperative? I think that parents have to be very careful allowing their children to leave the US because customs, laws and language can be different in unexpected ways. Can you find a way to all go together? Louise

I am Russian and recently have come to Berkeley with my son. I think it is a good idea to go to Russia especially if you want to save money on day care etc. because compared to California, the life is really cheap there. But there is one thing to be aware of -- there is a high risk of tuberculosis in Russia (especially in big cities) so take all the precautions - I know that there is no vaccination against tuberculosis in USA but there is in Russia (your husband should know that). It is called BCG and babies receive this vaccination the first week of their birth. It gives the highest protection the first year, then every year there is a check - called Mantoux. I would highly recommend to make this vaccination and hope your family will enjoy the trip. Good luck. Julia

Even a few weeks is a very long time to an 18 month old -- you would have to work hard to reconnect after that separation. The connection between a child and mother is very deep, and I think your child would have a very hard time being away from you for such a long time. It seems like it would be worth the extra stress to keep her here with you, and at some point in the future when you have enough money for all of you to go she can meet her relatives.

I would let my husband take my 15mos daughter everywhere, anytime, providing on the "other side" she would have the same level of care and attention she has here. On the other end, two months is a long time, perhaps you could visit in a month, or he could shorten the trip.

Of course this is only my opinion, but I think you would miss your daughter terribly if you let her go to Russia for a few months, despite the fact that you are terribly busy right now. If money is tight I think taking a loan out for day care is a great investment.... and you won't miss any important developmental steps. Plus if anything happened while she was away..... I definitely say keep her with you! Ariane

The opinions and statements expressed on this website are those of parents who subscribe to the Berkeley Parents Network. Please see Disclaimer & Usage for information about using content on this website.