Pot smoking in or near tot play areas in Berkeley

I know this is rather sensitive topic for many, but I am feeling a great deal of unease with what I see as a dramatic shift in many of the parks where we take our little toddler to play in the afternoon here in Berkeley. It has not failed that in the last several times we have visited some of the parks there are people close nearby (or even inside) the tot lot smoking pot. It is usually a large group of people many times teenagers who light up a few joints and pass them around, but in a couple of cases (at Codornices, and in both tot lots at Ohlone) it was the parents/guardians with their child playing nearby. I have nothing against smoking pot itself, but I am dismayed that it seems so prevalent and in the open as a habit in public places and in particular so close to where small children play.

Just to check my assumptions I noticed that I have RARELY seen anyone smoking a cigarette in the park (the tobacco kind) near or inside a tot lot and so far only once or twice someone drinking themselves into a stupor and sharing the effects with everyone nearby.

I don't try to make a big deal out of it -- a couple of times we quietly left the park when the smokers were either too close to the tot play area, or inside it. Now, we scan to see who is inside or close by and what they are doing before we enter a park. Something feels wrong about this.

I don't have any cultural discomfort with this but the smell is rather off-putting and I am a little skeptical of what it does to small children (much like what cigs, car exhaust, etc.)

Is smoking banned in Berkeley parks? Is this considered a type of smoking? What can one do? I don't want to call the police every time I encounter this not in the least because 6 out of the last 10 visits would have resulted in calling to report this. I don't want to do anything to radicalize the issue in any way between staunch proponents and opponents of pot.

Anyone have a similar experience, or has some wisdom on this? Is this something that exists in other cities nearby? Any suggestions on what to do?

I tried to find more information on smoking in public parks in Berkeley, and I found conflicting information. Berkeley's ordinance on public smoking specifically mentions parks: http://www.ci.berkeley.ca.us/uploadedFiles/Clerk/Level_3_-_City_Council/2008-04-22_Item_04_Ordinance_7026.pdf

And this page of the City web site says smoking is prohibited in parks: http://www.ci.berkeley.ca.us/ContentDisplay.aspx?id=5122

This page doesn't, though: http://www.ci.berkeley.ca.us/ContentDisplay.aspx?id=6236

My advice would be to look for ''no smoking'' signs... if you see them, you are well within your rights to ask people not to smoke. Your opinion -- or the smokers' -- on medical marijuana needn't enter into it. such a Berkeley question

If you know their parents, tell them.

If that doesn't do the trick, video them, and post it on YouTube. Tag them if you know their names. Share the video with their parents, and post it on all your social networks. Be sure to send it to all members of the Berkeley High administration and school board. anon

I live near Codornices park and i will gladly walk through the tot area and ask/tell the kids to take the reefer into the woods, up the path.... geez...

the non-emergency number for Berkeley Police is 510-981-5900.

i will be interested in what others think as well. Citizen at Large

As an aside: my husband noted that Ohlone was busier than usual the last couple of Saturdays and upon further discussion he and I wondered if some of the homeless/travelers that usually are camped out on Telegraph have been displaced by the recent crack down on loitering on Telegraph may have moved to Ohlone park. toddler mom

Playdates while mother is high on weed

My 10 year old daughter has a friend whose mother smokes pot on a daily basis. They live in the duplex next to us and we smell it at all hours of the day. She is frequently asking for my daughter to come play at her place even at times when we know she has just smoked (or smoked multiple times) that day. Other interactions with her make us feel she is an emotionally unstable person in general, but not unsafe for our daughter to be around. She has told us she smokes in front of her daughter and sees no problem with it. We've never directly addressed the situation, since it may disturb the general peace in our duplex if she should respond defensively or get offended (as she has in the past with another unrelated situation). I'd like to hear from other parents in the Berkeley community about how they would handle this situation. Thanks,
-We're not THAT Berkeley.

My brother was a pot addict while raising his kids and I can tell you that she most definitely sounds like an addict and addicts are not reliable. At best, your kid is not being watched while in her care. At worst, you're sending the message to your kid that this is all OK.

Last - you need to talk to your child about this. She knows something is up so don't keep her wondering. Good luck! Debbie L.

End of story. So what if she's defensive? Who cares? You're not making a moral judgement, in fact you sound very non-judgmental. Just describe it as a safety issue. If she doesn't agree, that is her problem. No Brainer!

If you want to risk the possible anamosity you can inform her that you might do this or inform your landlord she is smoking in the house and it is affecting your ability to enjoy your home. (You can just report to the landlord she is smoking and not say pot, are you in non-smoking rentals?)

I'm not a prude but I have never done any of these kind of activities when I have needed to be responsible or around children. anon

And your daughter is old enough to understand that what parents do in their own time may be their business, but when their children are there, it's another story. Mother of two

As for the neighbor, I would tell her that your daughter is too young to be with someone smoking weed, or that you don't want her in a smoke filled environment. Yes, your neighbor is comfortable with smoking in front of her daughter, but your daughter is not as mature as her daughter.

You have your values and they have to be respected by both your daughter and neighbor. BTW, good values! . Another Mom

I understand not wanting to create a situation where you dread being home and try to avoid your neighbor - that's awful. But you can't let your child hang out around ANY kind of stuff you don't like. Mom of Two

When the mom asks my child to come over and play, and I know she's high, I would simply say that my child cannot not do so at that time. I wouldn't feel any need to explain to the mom why, I would just say no. anonymous

But that's not where you are with this- you can simply say ''I'm not comfortable with my daughter around you smoking or high, it's our personal preference''. If she doesn't respect that - so what. If this isn't a safety issue, than its a lifestyle/perspective difference- which in my opinion does not constitute a ''situation''. As a parent of an elementary and high school student, I would also say that kids in the bay have the luxury of witnessing many different lifestyle choices around them, and pot, along with a million other things parents don't like, will be in her environment. Teach your daughter to decide, voice if she feels unsafe, uncomfortable, has questions too- as it will be less and less realistic with every passing year to control the community your daughter chooses to interact with. Also- seriously, you might look at the bigger picture here - if your neighborhood concern is '' mom who smokes weed and welcomes play dates'' - ((and your kid isn't in danger))- than you might have to consider that co- existing is hardly a stretch. -anon

However, if pot-smoking mom is using legally (she has been authorized by medical professionals, and uses a dispensary where the substance is controlled), then how is her use any different than taking her taking anti-depressants or other medication? (btw, I recently read an article that indicated over 60% of Americans use anti-depressants-if we're basing playdates on prescription use, playdates may no longer exist.) ANY medication is mind and body altering. And if anyone took too much of their medication, it could be extremely harmful to themselves, and or easily effect their abilities to care for children.

In the original post, it indicated the pot-smoking mom was emotionally unstable? Now that would be reason for me not to leave my child unsupervised, not the pot smoking (and btw, I don't smoke pot either, but know those who's lives have improved immensely as a result of medicinal marijuana). Her emotional stability is not the result of her smoking marijuana. And out of curiosity, what does she do that gives you the impression she's emotionally unstable?

This playdate mom also has the right to take her meds whenever she sees fit, but the concern about 2nd hand smoke is valid, and that would be reason to ask her to smoke outside, or away from your child.

On the playdate, her use of marijuana should not be a factor, but her behavior should. If she's a responsible person, and you feel confident in her abilities to tend to your daughter for a couple of hours, then go with your instincts. And it would be a great opportunity to open the dialogue with your daughter about the use of medications. Good luck, hope that helps. anon

This woman may be using marijuana medicinally, or she may be an adult, using it for personal, recreational enjoyment. The way she parents her child, smoking in front of them, is certainly her business, but definitely creates a climate, and family culture where smoking is acceptable. If this is against your family's values, then BE HONEST and TELL HER. DO NOT CALL CPS, do not avoid her, do not do any of the things these uninformed, biased folks recommend. Be an adult, and tell her something like ''In my family we don't find smoking acceptable, and I don't want my daughter exposed to it at this age. Since we see this issue differently, I'd appreciate it if we solved it by not smoking around her, or we can just have the kids play at my house/outside/etc.''

If emotionally unstable means that she could fly off the handle at anytime and berate and attack you, then proceed in the way that makes things most easy to navigate for you and your family. If this is the case, THAT would be a greater reason to try to limit her contact with your daughter. Please also remember that marijuana is only a plant. it is safer than alcohol and other drugs. No one has ever died from smoking pot. It has innumerable medical benefits, is widely supported and gaining more support each year from medical, law enforcement, and the general populous as something that should be accepted for adult use. Just because someone uses a substance does not make them an ''addict''. Use doesn't equal misuse or dependency.

You have the right to address this issue as you see fit to make the best choices for your family and daughter, but please, be logical and rational. LB, LVN, CATC, BSHS-Chemical Dependency

Pot should be compared more to alcohol or sleeping pills. You don't have to demonize pot smokers to know that they aren't being super responsible while watching children. Think of it more as would you let someone who had just taken Valium or Vicodin watch your children? Or Ambien? No!

There's a reason you can't drive while high. anon

Marijuana use is NOT child abuse. I have worked in foster care for over a decade, in 3 states. You can call CPS but the call will not be accepted for an investigation. More importantly, those who said you should call need to be educated. Substance use can lead to abuse, endangerment and/or neglect but it is NOT in itself abusive. There is absolutely no grounds for a call to protective services based on what you shared in your post. Such a call should be made only if you are seeing harm or danger to a child, not if you disapprove of how a child is being raised.

You have every right to make the choice about what to expose your child to and who to allow your child to play with. Just as this mother also has that right and choice. You've had lots of advice about how to address this issue. Just please ignore the call CPS recommendations. If a child is in danger or basic needs are not being met, then and only then call CPS. - Child Protective Services is for children at risk of harm, not the parenting police.

I once lived next to a friendly woman who was a nurse and a single mom of 2 great girls. She never once invited me into her home, and being that I was never inside I would never let her have my children over. It's important to trust your intuition as a parent. If you're uncomfortable leaving your child with someone, then don't! Medical User & Parent

Should I switch from wine to marijuana?

I have noticed in the last few years now that I am in my late 40s that when I drink wine the next day my face is really puffy and looks old and tired which I don't like. So I had this crazy thought that maybe I should switch to marijuana to avoid this. I am a modest drinker, on Fri & Sat nights if home, I like to have 2 glasses of wine. That's it. If we eat out, I have one glass of wine, period. But still I look foward to it. I have never ever been a drug taker of any kind, even pain meds after child birth etc. I did try marijuana once at 15, just one time. So I have no experience whatsoever with marijuana. I am just wondering if I did it, what worries would I have? Such as if I had a modest amount in the evening, how would I feel the next day? Would I still have a puffy problem? How long does it show in the body if I had annual general medical tests? (I don't work so I don't have to worry about work testing). I travel alot - would dogs sniffing at the airport notice it - not that I would ever travel with it, but would it be noticeable in some trace amounts in my luggage? I guess I was thinking I would grow small amounts of it, maybe that is stupid I have no idea. I know this is kind of crazy but I am just looking for honest thoughts on this. My desire is to have a stress relief to look forward to but one that does not age my face. I am not really interested in ideas like yoga instead for stress relief as I exercise daily and am fit. I am a responsible sahm and have always been a law abiding, goody-goody so would this idea be too crazy and stressful for me? My husband would probably have a fit as he so law abiding he freaks out when a library book is overdue. Any experience with spouses who may feel differently? cathy

If you do that, you will be law-abiding in your use of marijuana. The people at the dispensaries are VERY helpful for someone unaccustomed to smoking, eating, etc. marijuana. They can give helpful advice, answer questions, give dosage suggestions, and more. I recommend you get your card, get a little marijuana, and try it. You might find you like it. You might find you don't.

I used to do it a lot in college, but more recently when I started looking for an alternative to some RX medications, I found that I actually did NOT like marijuana and the affect it had on me. Like any other medication or drug for relaxation and recreation, it will have effects that you may or may not like. So, try it and see what you think. If you do it with a card, you are not breaking the law.

Oh yeah, and never EVER travel with it. EVER. Unless you are traveling within California. That's a whole other issue. The residue should not be significant to alert dogs in the airport and, if by some weird fluke it did, if there is no marijuana in your bags there is nothing to ''get'' you for... Hope that helps! Much simpler than you think!

Aside from the legal & interpersonal questions, what I would see as a risk is that some people get very hooked on pot, which becomes a hassle.

Also, you might be tempted to drink wine along with it, since pot doesn't really ''replace'' the alcohol glow. In that case you'd be worse off than before. Interesting question! T

I'm the mother of an older kid and most of my friends' kids are in high school or out already. I noticed when they all started leaving the house it came out with these different friends (all in separate instances, not as a group) that they smoke pot to some degree. These were all goody-goody, participating, law-abiding types, soccer coaches, teachers' helpers, field trip drivers. One totally successful guy I know does it every single day and always has. Successful in work and fun and a good person, good husband, good dad. Now that I don't have to do the role model thing, I every now and then partake but I'm not one who gets a lot of satisfaction out of it. I learned to give it a try through all my friends! And I've done it with my kid, there I said it. And I'm not the only parent who has. I know a college professor who gets high with his kid now and then. It can enhance the relationship at that point.

As far as I know, pot does not have many or ANY side effects the next day. I think it's a great substitution to make. Stick with small doses, do it at home after the kids are in bed. Try not to carry it ever in your luggage. I do know of a couple of people who have one or two plants but I would probably avoid that. I think it's a felony or something. I know several people who have medical cards, a chiropractor can give you a referral, then the people at the medical pot dispensary can really educate you about the different effects and you know it's all clean. Some good side effects can be great sex, a lot of laughs (if your husband does it with you), and the light-hearted resolution of conflicts.

And yes, I think wine does make the face puffy. I don't think there's anything wrong with looking forward to the stress relief on the weekend. go for it

No need to buy or grow ''black market''/ illegal pot anymore. Many online resources help potential cannabis patients determine correct types and amounts of cannabis to use. You could start here: http://www.canorml.org/prop/patientsguide.htm

California's Proposition 215 allows medical marijuana to be used for any serious condition for which marijuana provides relief. Cannabis has a remarkably wide spectrum of medical uses, ranging from chronic pain, muscle spasticity, nausea and appetite loss to psychiatric conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety and depression.

My partner does not use cannabis, never has, but appreciates and respects the all-positive effects of cannabis on my health. Best wishes for good health! Cannabis patient

Anyway, try organic wine, if you haven't already, which doesn't contain such preservatives. Locally grown marijuana, legal or il-, might work for you, too, but keep in mind that marijuana is much stronger than it used to be and should be approached with care.

Lastly, I don't know if you enjoy spirits, but as an old lady, my late mother swore by a shot of good Scotch in a lot of water, which she then would slowly sip from 5 p.m. until bedtime. Ma lived to be almost 99 on a healthy diet, exercise, good genes, and Glenfiddich. Melanie

So, my advice. Get a card. Not hard to do, and you can tear it up if you change your mind. Buy the smallest quantity you can and experiment no more or less than 3 times. give it a decent run. Unless you hate it the first time. And log it. How you feel before, after, etc. This is important!It's is a key ingredient to any kind of lifestyle change. And if you decide to go for it, never have it in your home. Not until your husband is on board with your own use. Its a respect thing. Only get it as you use it. Then, as someone pointed out, theres never a need for worry. Under an ounce is a misdemeanor now (thanks Arny:), and thats a whole lot more than you will ever use! seasoned mother toker

My son can't visit my house unless I quit smoking pot

Hello, I am hoping for a little love from the Berkeley Parents. I am the 39 year old father of a six and a half year old. I have my son only every other weekend due to he lives about three hours away. For the last four years we have had to stay at my mom's house every other weekend, even though two years ago a bought a really cool warehouse in Oakland, and have built a four bedroom home inside. My son has never slept over my house. I recently obtained my electrical contractors license, and have started my own company. I am a very responsible person and father. I do not smoke weed around my son, or on the weekends I have him, or during the work week. I do not believe it is legal for my ex-wife to not allow me to see my son unless we stay at my moms or I quit smoking pot. I have had a medical license to smoke pot but she could give a crap. Please feel free to tell it like you feel it. Am I alone out there Dad's? Thanks Anon

Dad, give you and your son more love and spend more time together. Sounds like a really cool place you built, you sound way together and got skills and a son who has never slept over at your house. I wonder why? WTF? Have him over, you and he start to make him his own room in one of those 4 bedrooms, make a kid play room too.

You write: ''I am a very responsible person and father. I do not smoke weed around my son, or on the weekends I have him, or during the work week.'' You always been responsible and never ever smoked weed around him or was stoned around him? Never drove after smoking.

But, being responsible and all the ex has a problem with your pot smoking. I wonder why that is and you have a script to do so. Hmmmmmmmmmm. I got loads of experience with people in such a situation but never a guy like you, clean as a whistle,responsible, bussiness man, and medical necessity to smoke pot,etc. and the ex won't allow you to see the son unless you abstain or stay with mom. You write: ''I do not believe it is legal for my ex-wife to not allow me to see my son'' That is correct, I agree.I guess you guys have agreed to this arrangement.

Seeing my kids is way more important than winning a fight with the ex over smoking pot. If you wanna have that fight, go to court. But first, look in the mirror and ask yourself, why is smoking pot this important. Jim

Eh, I would feel the same. How can she know for sure that you won't be impaired at some point while your child is visiting? She's just trying to protect the kid by erring on the safe side.

Yes, she's also controlling, and you could push it legally if you wanted to, but bear in mind: if you have a legal dope card, it is because of chronic pain or condition. How could you possibly convince a court that your chronic pain won't flare up when your child is around? If you could convince court, then maybe it's not so chronic, and maybe you'd lose your license to be on The Chronic. Catch 22

I guess we all make our choices. You get to smoke weed, and get to have a sweet converted warehouse that your child never gets to see. /shrug

Why are you putting this on us when it's clearly the decision you're most comfortable with? I personally think you're 39 and far past the stage of life when you're supposed to play around with drugs, so you get no sympathy from me. Just 'loving' truth

i could go on and on, defending myself by citing what a loving mother i am and how well-adjusted and healthy my son is, how im not a smoker anymore myself, etc. etc. but considering that i dont know anything about your situation, and that i dont really care what anyone thinks of mine, ill just leave it at this: if youve really got it as together as it sounds, there is no good reason you shouldnt be able to have your son spend time with you. anon

My sister who gets wasted every night wants to be a foster parent

I welcome some advice and will also totally respect your telling me to MYOB. But this is really bothering me. My sister is going through the application process for becoming a foster parent. She is single and has never had kids and is really naive about what it will be like --but so was I and so were most of us, right?

The thing is that every single night she drinks a couple of glasses of wine and then smokes pot basically until she passes out. She has a medical marijuana license so she's is never out of supply. She has no intention of giving it up and says it doesn't matter because the kids will be in bed.

For this and some other major reasons, I don't think she would be a fit parent. My question is, should I take the hugely risky, none-of-my-business step of alerting the agency? It doesn't sound like they do drug testing, or that the background checks include checking on medical marijuana licenses.

Please no pro-pot lectures from the recreational users on this board -- and she laughs about how she got her license though a totally bogus reason -- or make comments on how many parents ''relax'' every night with a drink or two. She gets wasted pretty frequently.

She's a good, kind, honest person in most ways. Should I shut my mouth and say that the kids she wants to adopt are better off with her than in potentially an abusive situation? Or do I butt in and try to prevent what I think is an inappropriate atmosphere or unsafe home for kids who need a more stable figure? Torn and guilty for considering it

You are correct, there are a LOT of abusive foster situations. If your sister is conscientious enough that you believe that the children in her care would not be in any physical danger, then butt-out. If you truly believe that your sister would neglect the kids, then that IS a form of abuse, and I think that saying something is the only principled thing to do.

But, please, be really honest with yourself. If your sister can provide a good, caring home, these are so badly needed in the foster system that it would be a far worse crime to prevent her from taking in a kid or two. Not a Pot Smoker

No it's not a ''MYOB'' type of advise because it takes a village to raise a child. I understand that many people utilize marijuana as a form a medicine that helps them under situations of stress and to leave their anxiety. The Foster Care system alone causes anxiety- not to even mention the economical situation the US and the world is in. I do not agree that she needs to smoke until she passes out especially since revealing anxiety for the most part can be accomplished without smoking until one passes out. I also don't agree with the combination of drinking AND smoking until one passes out. That said- until she understands her ''reasons'' are excuses- it will be very difficult to ''convince'' her to stop or minimize her usage of either/both.

The Foster Care system doesn't do drug tests nor do they check for such license.

By her utilizing such means to ''relax'' you stated you feel it is an unappropriate environment - this is true and she probably won't listen, but by not saying anything you will be enabling her actions.

No of course you should not ''shut up'' about how you feel- what kind of sibling would you be then- but you should address the situation of her utilizing such means and being ''wasted'' and how that does not (even if the kids are in bed) provide a wholesome environment. After all if a person gets wasted every night they will not feel their best the next morning , which is when the kids will need her the most. As well as it will catch up to her sooner than later.

I do not disagree with a glass of wine OR a bowl- but going to the extreme is not responsible- just think of the problems this would cause if something happened at night that needed her full attention. z

And, honestly, her response that she is unwilling to consider the potential impact on kids that will be in her home and prioritize their needsis a HUGE red flag that she is not emotionally ready to prioritize children who will have significant needs. There is no basis for thinking that if your sister doesn't have the kids that they would otherwise be placed in a potentially abusive situation- there are plenty of quality foster parents out there. And, if she is ever reported while fostering(I guarantee you this will happen eventually) those kids will be removed from her home immediately and subjected- so you are setting them up for another loss by not speaking up now.

Having lived in homes with really inappropriate foster caregivers, I will say that the impact is deep and long-term. Please don't feel torn- as a mother, you know what you'd want for your own child were they to be put in foster care. Jennifer

As to turning her in, hmmmmm, I urge you to continue to discourage her from parenting and encourage her to stop using. Turning her in may well damage your relationship. anonymous

My husband has started smoking pot again - I don't like it

when i first met my husband he hadnt smoked pot in 1 1/2 years. now he is smoking again. the only reason i liked him sooo much was that he didnt smoke pot. i dont like it at all. he is even the ''middle'' man for his friends which i think is worse. i love him so much but i dont want him to smoke it most of all deliver it for his friends. i dont know what i should do. should i leave him? give him a choice the pot or me? anytime i get upset he knows why but still askes then when i say it is the pot that bothers me he gets mad and we fight. please give me some advise i want him to stop but i am afraid he wont. what do i do? tracie

Your husband needs the numbness for something, which has recently returned. Let the man smoke! It could be much worse. He could be taking some crazy anti depressant drug that has worse effects, like suicide.

I don't like it either. I quit over 10 years ago, and I also hate how much it cost to buy, but there are much more worse habits he can have; like alcohol, affairs, porn...etc etc.. Be happy that his at home in your presence and not doing something much worse than smoking weed. Ease of and take a toke yourself!! Bless. Worry about something else!!

I know the common sentiment these days is acceptance of marijuana. To me, it's serious and absolutely a deal-breaker. If my partner decided he wanted to smoke pot, I would tell him I've loved our relationship and will miss him. Then I'd say we need to make our separation plans, because I won't be involved with a pot smoker. Not even occasional use.

In your case, I think you need to first determine where you stand on the issue deep in your heart, and let your heart and goals lead you to your best decision.

Smoking pot for relaxation & pain, still breastfeeding toddler

I've been toying with the idea of smoking marijuana for relaxation and pain management. I have a 13 month old daughter, and am still breast-feeding definately mornings and nights. Sometimes during the day, depending on the situation and the environement. My question: how safe, or not, would it be for my child ,if I were to smoke a toke or two, let's say twice a day? Every advice welcomed. Thank you anon

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http://easternholisticcenter.com/education.htm

It makes me apathetic, it makes some people judgemental or paranoid. It may do neither to you, but if it does, do you want that around your baby? Would you smoke a cigarette around your baby? Is pot smoke really that much different? Do you want to tell your baby, when she gets older, what you're doing? How would you feel about it if your baby starts a little early herself (say, at 8 or 9, which is when I started experimenting w/whatever I could get my hands on)?

You may want to look for more long-term, sustainable stress-relief and pain management (which may be interconnected).

Please consider carefully! hope this helps

If you decide to wean your toddler and use pot to manage your pain, remember to not smoke pot around him/her as second hand smoke from pot is still second hand smoke and is a cancer/asthma/SIDs threat to your baby (not to mention a cancer threat to you). anon

Husband's recreational pot smoking stinks

My husband is a recreational pot smoker. He smoked before we were married and I was aware of it. The actual smoking doesn't really bother me too much. He does it outside far from the house and he cleans a lot when he is stoned. But I do mind the smell of the smoke. We've had two main conversations about his smoking. One...I insisted that he doesn't ever smoke when he is caring for our kids alone. If I'm not home (even if they are asleep) no smoking. And two...I don't want to smell it on his clothes, his breath, his person. He agreed, after some back and forth, to both.

So the other night, I come out from putting our oldest to bed and go into our bathroom, where my husband is brushing his teeth. And, it smelled horrible. Like he was smoking in the bathroom. It was that strong. I said, ''Dude, that is gross.'' He looked at me funny and walked out. The smell was still there after he left. So I went up to him and said, ''I don't want to have to deal with that smell.'' He looked at me like I was crazy and speaking in some foreign language. He started to rationalize what happened (how he had ''just'' come inside, blah, blah, blah). I said that I didn't ever want to smell it and he said there was some level of smoke that I would ''always smell'' and I needed to just ''deal''. I disagreed and said that I shouldn't have to ever deal with it. I said that I was dealing with him smoking at all, but no, I didn't need to deal with smelling it. We got into a big, icky thing about this. He thinks I should just accept it, and I don't think I should have to.

So my question? What the heck do I do? With very few exceptions (this being one of them), he is an excellent husband and father. But it seems totally unreasonable to me that I should have to smell his smoke. I personnally think he shouldn't smoke at all since it is illegal and gross, but I knew this when I married him, so I accepted that fact. But...do I need to have it shoved in my face??? No smoke please...

The first line of your letter is "My husband is a recreational pot smoker." You said he "is" one. Currently, as well as in the past. You knew that about him before you married him, and in your words, "I accepted that fact."

I have to agree with him that you should expect a minimal amount of awareness that it exists. By your own account, he had just come in from smoking and was immediately brushing his teeth. Good on him!

I'm not into alcohol, but almost every woman I've ever been with has drunk alcohol around me, and turned into a louder, less considerate version of themselves. Not to mention smelly!

Please put everything into perspective. You said, "With very few exceptions (this being one of them), he is an excellent husband and father." This is the guy's only fault and you're riding him for it? I'm sure you're not the only person on this list who loves almost everything about their spouse, but has to deal with a smell that is less than desirable.

You literally asked, "do I need to have it shoved in my face?" but from what you describe, it sounds like he is considerate of your desire and is trying reasonably hard to minimize your exposure. If you "stick to your guns" and demand that you absolutely never smell it, then for him to do this thing that he does, he'll have to go away from you. Do you really want that?

You are setting up a dangerous dynamic where the only time he experiences pot is when he's away from you, with him possibly feeling excluded, or separate from you emotionally, or shamed. For the sake of your relationship, I think you'll be much happier if you practice accepting all of him, and allow him to feel comfortable around you.

By the way, your thinking that "he shouldn't smoke at all" is kind of like him thinking that you shouldn't like one of the things that you like. It'd be an interesting opinion, but it isn't going to make you stop liking it. And it might leave you feeling judged, or rejected, or angry. I really don't recommend it. Thomas

He is an excellent husband and father. (And you claim this is an exception to that?) He doesn't smoke once the kids are in bed when you are not home and he takes steps to insure that the smell associated with his smoking is as little as possible. And you bust his chops about it and talk about how unreasonable he is?????????? He is absolutely correct when he says that if he smokes he cannot be completely smell free.

The tone of your letter suggests that you believe since you knew he smoked from the beginning that you are not entitled to object now. But the truth is that you do object now whether in your mind you are entitled to or not. Perhaps you have been secretly hoping he would change once you were married with kids. You need to start telling the whole truth (even the contradictory parts). If you continue with this tack you are on I predict that he will come to resent you in a very ugly way. I would strongly recommend that you find a loving, compassionate place within yourself and bring this to your interactions with him around this.

Of course, you also could use this as an opportunity to deepen within yourself. What if you held it as though he wasn't doing anything to you but that instead your reaction was about you? What if you let yourself feel what arises for you around this without any story or making anyone wrong? Try turning your attention away from him and toward your inner self, to the feelings instead of the thoughts? By lashing out at him you are avoiding something juicy for you. anon

I smoke pot almost every evening after work to unwind. I generally do it after my child goes to bed, but I sometimes do it beforehand. I smoke in my home, but always away from my child. My kid is in a great school, and I have a great job. Everything concerning my child is handled by me. If I have something to do with my child or for my child, I do not get stoned. I feel that I have a right to my one vice if I am responsible about using. I know it is illegal and that people die over it since it is illegal. I believe it should be legalized, and I find it benign compared to alcohol.

My husband was like you. He HATED that I smoked pot. He comes from a law enforcement family, so he is completely against it. By the way, his family LOVES me, and one of my in-laws is aware of my habit as are my clean-as-a-whistle parents. I told them because it IS illegal and I didn't want them to be blindsided by the information if anything ever happened to me (like, if I get hit by a bus, I don't want them to be shocked if an autopsy shows that marajuana was in my blood). None of them complain about my filthy little habit anymore because I am the one who handles the important details about our life and our child, and I do a better job than my husband does. After 10 years with me, his views about pot and its effects have changed, and he no longer considers it worth it to complain about my habit. I told him that he could leave if he was not happy with our marraige. I am economically independent, and he is aware that my choosing to be with him is just that: a choice.

If he is not cheating on you or selling all of your belongings to get drugs, and he makes you happy in all other areas, I think you are being selfish, petty and picky, but my opinion doesn't count. Yours does. If this is a deal-breaker for you that you didn't realize would affect your marraige so much, leave him. Smoking marajuana in the United States IS illegal, and if you feel that strongly, you should leave him. He is an adult making a choice, and so are you. If you can't accept it, you shouldn't. If living without him is worth it, then leave him to his pot. If it isn't worth it, then leave him alone and let him smoke in his home with plenty of Lysol behind closed doors away from your children. Anonymous, of course!

Also, many of my friends had parents that smoked pot when they were young and hid it to various extents--all of them knew that something weird was going on and did not like it. So you may bring up the fact that he is going to have to quit sooner or later unless he wants to really freak out the kids. It will have to be something for ''special ocassions''-- just like parents who like to drink don't get totally smashed unless it's new years eve and the kids are with a babysitter for the whole night. I know I know pot smokers will say that a joint is like 1 glass of wine but the point is we all have to control our behavior for the common good. anon

I think you're being unreasonable- you say, ''what the heck do I do?'', but what the heck do you expect your husband to do? You knew this about him, you like the bennie that he cleans when stoned, but you think that it's possible for you to NEVER smell any at all on him- ? That's impossible, all sorts of smells stay on a person until they have a chance to clean up, whether it's manure from working in the garden or garlic and onions from cooking. His ''rationalizing'' that he just came inside ''blah, blah, blah'' might very well have been the simple fact of the matter- you walked in on him (did you knock?) when he was brushing his teeth and working to get rid of the smell so that you wouldn't have to deal with it! I don't call that ''shoving it in my [your] face''.

Or maybe it WOULD be possible to never smell even the slightest hint if you required him to build his own personal shower in the back yard, set up his own personal clothes hamper outside of the house, and keep a supply of clean clothes outside the house!

Really- it sounds like you are trying to make him succumb to your desire that he not smoke at all by setting up impossible hurdles for him rather than working out a realistic compromise. Being a total pothead who is rendered incapable of being ''an excellent husband and father'' because of drug use is a whole different ball of wax from what you are describing.

This issue is bringing something up for you, and I think that you are so set on being self-righteous and right, that you aren't looking at yourself and where your need to make him wrong is coming where. I wonder if he gave up the pot if you would come up with some other way to make him wrong.

There are sooo many things way worse than being a recreational pot smoker, whether it's legal or not (and there are many good arguments for decriminalizing it- for adults, not for minors). Anon

Whether or not the smell of pot is really the original poster's main problem, or pot should be decriminalized, or that he's a good husband in other respects, or he could buy a vaporizer to reduce the smell, is beside the point. His pot smoking is causing a problem in their marriage.

Apparently doesn't care. He thinks that by smoking outside and brushing his teeth right away, he's doing his bit. That would be fair if we were talking about some really necessary habit or bodily function.

But smoking pot isn't actually a necessity of life. If someone feels compelled to engage in basically superfluous behavior - be it pot or cigarette smoking, alcohol, binge eating, downloading porn, surfing the internet for hours, gambling, shopping for Manolo Blahniks (and yes, I compare them equally because they are all, strictly speaking, unnecessary) - and it is a constant source of conflict in their marriage, and they still refuse to give it up, it's the user who has the problem.

If you need to get even mildly high to unwind, get to sleep or get through the day, you're addicted, no matter in what quantity you use. Her husband needs to address why he is compelled to use in spite of this being a point of contention.

And both he and she need to think ahead to the fact that their kids - unless they are blind, deaf and hard of smelling(!) are going to pick up some pretty poor relationship modeling from this kind of sad stand-off between their parents. Seeing clearly through the smoke

I tell you all of this because I want you to realize that it isn't always ''just pot'' and it can be a very serious problem. Take your concerns seriously and don't let anyone talk them down if they are really things that bother you. If it really is just the smell, then there isn't that much I can do to help you with that one (although I have heard you can blow out a tube with a dryer sheet on the end of it).

Good luck. not just the smell

Persuading someone not to drive while high

I am trying to talk to someone about what happens if you get pulled over for driving while high, but it's difficult to find any concrete info on this. There's lots of info on blood alcohol levels, but what about pot? Has anyone ever been pulled over while high (on pot alone) and if so, what happens? What are the legal fines, can you be arrested, higher insurance, etc? Rationally it seems like a very bad idea to drive while high, but since alcohol has been proven to be even more idiotic (and I agree), it's hard to argue with someone about this. Any info appreciated! anon

DUI - driving under the influence - is not necessarily related to alcohol. It's under the influence of a mind-altering drug. Gee - remember when the guy got a DUI for driving under the influence of too much Kava tea a couple years ago?

So your friend can get slapped with a DUI - and believe me, it's NOT a fun experience. It's costly, your driving record is ruined for 7 years, your insurance skyrockets and on and on.

And worse - your friend can seriously hurt or kill himself OR someone else under the influence. It's unbelievable how stupid and selfish people are. Whoops. Did I just get on a soapbox there? My bad. --Tell your friend to lay off the weed when driving

Pot smoking at family gatherings

I am wondering how people deal with family members who smoke pot. My husband and I do not do any drugs. We have an 8 month old and went to visit his family for Thanksgiving. His parents are tolerant of the brother and sister's marijuana use and while no one smokes marijuana around us or the baby(it is done outside or in the bedroom) the entire house smells like pot. I feel uncomfortable with this situation and so does my husband. We worry about the baby crawling on the floor and ingesting buds or being effected by all the pot smoke. We want to visit family but do not feel we can ask them to babysit or stay at their house as there are usually other potsmokers around. Any feedback? Anon

Brother-in-law sells pot - I don't want him to babysit our child

For the last 10 years or so, my 37 year old brother in law has sold pot as a main source of income. He is currently married and living with my in-laws who do not know that he sells pot. While I do not have any problem with the use of pot, I have had issues with my BIL's involvement with pot and this has caused tensions b/w my husband and I. After our 2 year old was born, I insisted that my BIL not use our home as a place to meet mutual friends to do deals with. Begrudgingly, my husband ceded to this request. My husband and I had some fierce arguments when I advocated that my husband tell his brother that if he was going to live with their parents, that he not sell pot anymore. I was concerned that my BIL was unfairly invovling my in-laws and putting them (and their home) at risk. My husband refused and said it was not my business. Recently, my BIL was arrested in Marin b/c he sold pot 4 times to an undercover officer. My BIL had been making connections on craigs list and got caught (big surprise). He was just arraigned on 5 felony charges. He believes he may get out of (which I hightly doubt) and if he does, indicated to my husband he will continue to sell. In my opinion, my BIL has made (and continues to make) some horrible judgment calls and has been reckless in how those judgment calls impact others. As such, when it recently came up, I told my husband that I did not feel comfortable having the BIL babysit our daughter. While my BIL is great with kids (he teaches at pre-schools) and my daughter loves him, given his poor decisions and recent legal troubles, I do not feel it is appropriate to leave our daughter in his care. My husband is outraged that I am taking this position. Am I off base in not allowing my BIL to babysit our daughter? If I am not off base, any assistance in further articulating to my husband why this is not ok would be appreciated.

They could be the most ''normal'' looking person, but it happens. That's sick and if your hubby is enough of a bull headed guy- so much so- that he risks the safety of his own family, then he is not worth it and you should really consider laying down the choices he's got. Besides, if he's defending your BIL so adamantly, are you sure he isn't dealing too? Just speaking from a very similar experience Anon Mom

Drug prosecutions are very serious and ugly - I doubt however much he is making is worth the years of his life and heartache to his family that a prosecution would bring cautious

The in-law question is tougher, and it's not your place to get involved - but your husband is wrong to exposure your parents to this type of danger - legally and physically Put your child first

You do not want your children involved with someone who got arrested and then says he intends to keep on selling. A few years ago the NYT covered a very sad story -- an actresss was selling pot to make ends meet, and she and her friends were shot by some buyers who decided to rob them. People who sell even pot are exposing themselves to a world where people carry guns, will do anything for a fast buck, etc. I guess it's possible that some sellers ONLY sell to people they know, but hey, he got caught selling to a police officer, so he obviously isn't in that category. NOt to be too blunt about this, but I think that your husband is in a bit of denial anonymous

My brother knows that I was smoking pot years before he ever was, though I don't smoke anymore. I actually do not have a problem with my older teens smoking pot occasionally. But I am NOT going to be the mom who is supplying her kids' friends with marijuana. And the idea of my brother trying to make money off my kids and their friends just infuriates me.

My brother does not have kids, so he just doesn't get it, and probably never will. After so many years of pot smoking, he doesn't appear to have any brains left either.

I think you are smart to lay the ground rules now.

Pot smoking around baby?

My sister just had a baby, and her partner regularly smokes pot. How bad is second hand pot smoke for an infant to be around? I have looked in the Parent's Network archives, but didn't find an exact answer to my question. Please send along any information/advice! Thank you.

Partner continues to smoke pot - I want him to stop

Here is something I have been struggling with since my partner and I had kids (over 9 years!). We have been together since our very early twenties and are now in our early forties. We have since those early days of our relationship enjoyed smoking pot on a daily or nearly daily basis. When I became pregnant with my first child, I stopped smoking pot. After the birth of my first kid, I started smoking it again--and didn't really feel like it was much of an issue until after kid number two (when I found out I was pregnant with #2 I stopped during my pregnancy and started again when #2 was born).

I have long been the kind of person that doesn't crave pot, but smoked because (a) I enjoyed it and (b) it was available. I also suspect that I have smoked pot because my partner did, and it became a habit that we shared. Since becoming a parent to two kids, my sense of responsibility for my behavior has increased. I don't want to be stoned while I am caring for my kids, for fear that something could happen that I didn't respond to appropriately because my judgment was impared. In addition, I have realized that I don't like to be stoned like I used to (though once every other other week or so is still ''fun''), and that I can stop without any problem. In fact, I have expressed to my partner several times since becoming a parent, that I think the habit should cease, with both of us. He gets very defensive about it, says he enjoys it and that it doesn't hurt anyone. I disagree that it doesn't hurt anyone--it hurts me that I ask him to stop, but he doesn't (I don't help if I continue to partake--even if much less frequently that him). It hurts my kids in that their parents are engaging in a behavior that is not healty. I am concerned about my kids learning what that smell is that they have said on occasion smells like skunk.

My partner has on and off complied with my request that he smoke less habitually -- he can go a week or so, but then always reverts to the daily or near daily habit. I want to be a good role model for my children--and I want him to be one too- -how can you ask a child to do as you say, but not as you do? I feel like I am complicit in his habit by continuing to smoke myself, but I am ready to stop --and I really want him to stop. I just don't know how to help him do it. By the way, he stopped smoking cigarettes almost a year ago (on my pleas) but now is addicted to nicotine gum!

I have become a much more health concious person since having kids--I work out, I eat healthily, and I try to take care of myself. I want for my partner to do the same, but know that I can't force him. I think that he has various problems (adequacy (i have been the stronger wage earner for many years, abandonment by his father) that he needs to address that he avoids by smoking pot. The fact that he continues to smoke pot despite my many requests that he/we stop is damaging my esteem for him. How can I help him (and us)?

Needs to find a solution

I am not a user and never have been, so I always readily admit to him that I don't really know what it's like, and he has assured me repeatedly that when he's high he's no danger to us or himself and I shouldn't make a big deal about him being high around our child. Indeed, he seems very much in control (and giddy!) when he's high, but never dangerous or foolish. But again, he was using a lot when there was a lot of turmoil in our lives and he was spending time with a friend who always made it available. That friend is not part of his life since he realized having him always led to wanting the other.

I agree that you both should try to set a good example. But pot's a vice, just like smoking and drink. I never asked him to quit smoking pot or cigarettes, but championed his efforts when he decided to quit on his own. I believe it's really the user's decision, and nagging him is not the answer.

Hope this helps. Good Luck! pot partner

First of all, as you know, you have to stop smoking pot yourself. If the ''do as I say, not as I do'' logic won't work with your kids, it certainly won't work with your partner. So stop it. From now on, no more pot period.

Secondly, try to find other things to do instead of smoking. Busy him with pleasurable activities so that the moment for smoking passes. anon

My parents smoked pot at least once a week, and usually much more, throughout my childhood. I understood at a very early age (5?) that the skunky smell meant that my parents would be in a complacent mood and used it to my advantage a lot.

I don't remember the age when I realized that what they were doing was illegal, but it was before age 10, and with a young child's understanding of the law, I was confused and hurt that they would do something that could result in them going to jail and abandoning me.

And as a teen, their attempts at setting boundaries to my behavior were met with sarcastic derision and complete disobediance. Why would I respect their rules when they didn't respect the law? Why should I respect the law if they didn't?

I didn't turn into a huge druggie, but I did experiment a lot, and with many stronger things than pot and other types of risky behavior. I was lucky and didn't suffer any (noticeable) consequences of some very stupid decisions.

But I still have difficulty respecting my parents. Of course there are other issues other than the pot smoking, but they continue to think that their use (still frequent, although I think it has tapered off) is and was not a big deal. I've tried to explain to them my early anxieties that the cops would come and take them away and they refuse to accept it was a valid fear.

And when, later, I realized that had something happened to me while they were stoned, they wouldn't have been able to react quickly and clearheadedly to care for me, my anger was intense.

You may not think it is a big deal, and your partner certainly doesn't, but your children may. (Not saying that every kid will experience what I did, but the risk that they might should deter you both, if nothing else does.)

You are parents now, you need to put the needs of your children before your own ''fun.'' Being stoned is hardly terrible behavior, but it is not responsible, either.
Child of Stoners

I am also a mental health professional. In that capacity I have seen many, many people addicted to pot. Yes, it is addictive. It's effects are more subtle than those of other drugs, but believe me, it can really stunt a person's emotional capacities and growth. I really think it is one of the most underrecognized addictions out there.

So, what can you do? Start with yourself. Check out the MA website, and go to a few meetings. Educate yourself about the effects of long-term marijuana use on you and your kids. The heartbreaking part is that you can't make your partner stop. You can talk with him, and share your experience, and see what happens. Good luck. anon, please

Also, If someone is smoking pot daily, makes promises to quit and doesn't or promises to ''cut back'' but ends up right back where they started hints at addiction. I know this is probably not what one wants to hear. However, addiction isn't about the substance, the amount one uses, or the lifestyle one leads - it's about one's inability to stop using, increased use (or maintenance use), continued use in spite of negative consequences and psychological dependence or physical dependence. When one uses to avoid working through issues in one's life, e.g. abandonment by father, inadequacy, etc. the use of the drug becomes the way to cope with emotions and makes one unavailable to those they love and who love them. Pot is one of the best drugs for dulling ones senses and emotions.

It actually seems that you have a choice. Leave your partner alone to smoke pot daily and not be available to you or your children and ask yourself why you want to be with someone emotionally unavailable who prefers smoking pot to you or your feelings, continue to demand that he stop (which isn't working), or get help for yourself and figure out what you want to do.

The advise you want is probably how do I get him to stop smoking pot every day. The answer is you can't. He will do what he wants. I doubt he can do anything else (if what you say is true), but you can do something about you.

Sorry, probably not what you want to hear. meddling old fool

By the time I was 12, however, I was smoking pot. The first pot I smoked I stole from my father and I smoked pot throughout my high school years, occassionally even smoking with him. It was considered an ok thing to do in my household. I believe it stunted my growth and I definitely used it as a means to escape during the gray days of highschool. In looking back at that time I get upset with my parents for not considering my health and try to provide some parental structure and guidelines about its use. But it's hard to say ''you can't eat any icecream,'' when you are licking an icecream cone.

I continued to smoke pot until I got pregnant, and haven't since. I, like you, do not think it is necessarily a bad thing. But like any ''altering'' substance, if you use it as an escape or are addicted to it then that addiction significantly affects the people around you. My father is somewhat unbearable to be around if he is not high. This hasn't always been the case, it has definitely gotten worst as he got older and more addicted. This happens slowly, so I think you are very wise to pick up on what seems like ok behavior maybe leading in the wrong direction.

I would advise you seek help for you partner for your sake and your children's. I know my friend sent her husband to a program similar to AA -- but for pot smokers and he was able to quit and stay off pot. She lives down in LA, but I imagine there are similar programs here. Perhaps some people will suggest them to you. She said it was very hard for him to accept the fact that he had a problem, but they are both much happier now. Sounds like you would be too.

Good luck. anon

The only real problem I have is the expense and the (minor) legal risks. anon

My parents were 60's ''hippies'' (my mother had me very young) and still smoke pot on a daily basis, to this day. So, I grew up around it. Personally, I didn't find it scary at all. Also, people are affected differently by marijuana - some people become extremely paranoid when they smoke, while others feel relaxed. I NEVER felt that my parents were emotionally unavailable to me as a result of smoking ''pot.'' Perhaps other people are affected by it in this way, but my parents were not. Also, my parents were never ''impaired'' by their smoking, and I was never in any physical danger.

I do not smoke pot now, and was the only one of my teenage friends who didn't drink or smoke or do drugs while growing up, and none of their parents smoked pot or did any drugs. I tried pot, didn't like the smoke burning my lungs and was disinterested after that.

Secondly, I am mystified by how people can make such a fuss over people ''medicating'' themselves with pot (which is what many addicts are doing, and I believe that includes my parents!), but it's somehow better if they are medicated with anti-depressants instead. I really believe that the two things are performing the same function, just one isn't acceptable to ''establishment'' and one is. Frankly, I think many of the anti-depressants in use now are even more harmful, and more emotionally dulling, from what I've read.

Finally, I agree that you cannot *get* your husband to stop. He is a separate person from you, and will do what he wants (and has the right to do so!). You have the right to choose what you do, including whether or not to remain in relationship with him, should he choose to continue smoking marijuana. I recommend that you do NOT try using the *threat* of leaving to *make him change his ways.* I think you must decide what you can and cannot live with and then let him know, if you decide that you cannot remain in relationship with him if he must continue to smoke. Then leave. Do not make him ''wrong'' or ''bad'' or blame him or accuse him or ridicule him. Just leave. If you decide that you can live with him smoking, then don't make a big deal about it, and your children won't think it's a big deal either. This makes smoking pot it the teen years a lot less exciting. I think that played a big role in why I didn't drink or smoke (pot or cigarettes): my parents never *forbade* me, and they didn't make a big deal about it, so it really wasn't all that interesting to me: it wasn't forbidden fruit, so there was no excitement in *sneaking,* which I think is a big part of the allure for kids (besides fitting in with friends, etc.). My 2 - - uh-- 50 cents! anon