Marijuana Use
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Marijuana Use
May 2007
My husband is a recreational pot smoker. He smoked before we were
married and I was aware of it. The actual smoking doesn't really
bother me too much. He does it outside far from the house and he
cleans a lot when he is stoned. But I do mind the smell of the
smoke. We've had two main conversations about his smoking.
One...I insisted that he doesn't ever smoke when he is caring for
our kids alone. If I'm not home (even if they are asleep) no
smoking. And two...I don't want to smell it on his clothes, his
breath, his person. He agreed, after some back and forth, to both.
So the other night, I come out from putting our oldest to bed and
go into our bathroom, where my husband is brushing his teeth.
And, it smelled horrible. Like he was smoking in the bathroom.
It was that strong. I said, ''Dude, that is gross.'' He looked at
me funny and walked out. The smell was still there after he
left. So I went up to him and said, ''I don't want to have to
deal with that smell.'' He looked at me like I was crazy and
speaking in some foreign language. He started to rationalize
what happened (how he had ''just'' come inside, blah, blah, blah).
I said that I didn't ever want to smell it and he said there was
some level of smoke that I would ''always smell'' and I needed to
just ''deal''. I disagreed and said that I shouldn't have to ever
deal with it. I said that I was dealing with him smoking at all,
but no, I didn't need to deal with smelling it. We got into a
big, icky thing about this. He thinks I should just accept it,
and I don't think I should have to.
So my question? What the heck do I do? With very few exceptions
(this being one of them), he is an excellent husband and father.
But it seems totally unreasonable to me that I should have to
smell his smoke. I personnally think he shouldn't smoke at all
since it is illegal and gross, but I knew this when I married
him, so I accepted that fact. But...do I need to have it shoved
in my face???
No smoke please...
I hate to say it, but I think you are over reacting. I'm sure
others will write in support of your views, and all of you are
entitled to your opinions, but in your specific case, you're not
being realistic.
The first line of your letter is "My husband is a recreational
pot smoker." You said he "is" one. Currently, as well as in the
past. You knew that about him before you married him, and in your
words, "I accepted that fact."
I have to agree with him that you should expect a minimal amount
of awareness that it exists. By your own account, he had just
come in from smoking and was immediately brushing his teeth. Good
on him!
I'm not into alcohol, but almost every woman I've ever been with
has drunk alcohol around me, and turned into a louder, less
considerate version of themselves. Not to mention smelly!
Please put everything into perspective. You said, "With very few
exceptions (this being one of them), he is an excellent husband
and father." This is the guy's only fault and you're riding him
for it? I'm sure you're not the only person on this list who
loves almost everything about their spouse, but has to deal with
a smell that is less than desirable.
You literally asked, "do I need to have it shoved in my face?"
but from what you describe, it sounds like he is considerate of
your desire and is trying reasonably hard to minimize your
exposure. If you "stick to your guns" and demand that you
absolutely never smell it, then for him to do this thing that he
does, he'll have to go away from you. Do you really want that?
You are setting up a dangerous dynamic where the only time he
experiences pot is when he's away from you, with him possibly
feeling excluded, or separate from you emotionally, or shamed.
For the sake of your relationship, I think you'll be much happier
if you practice accepting all of him, and allow him to feel
comfortable around you.
By the way, your thinking that "he shouldn't smoke at all" is
kind of like him thinking that you shouldn't like one of the
things that you like. It'd be an interesting opinion, but it
isn't going to make you stop liking it. And it might leave you
feeling judged, or rejected, or angry. I really don't recommend it.
Thomas
My husband also smokes pot and I don't like it. But I will
always remember something I read once written by a woman whose
husband smoked pot. She hated it and forced him to stop...so he
started drinking. He became an alcoholic, with far worse
consequences than smoking pot, and she has ever since regretted
making him stop smoking. If your husband is great in every
other way (as mine is), and the pot does good things for his
behavior (you said he cleans), then I would say try not to make
too big a deal about it. What if he was the kind of guy who
took really smelly dumps, and the smell in the bathroom grossed
you out every time? That's the attitude I would take - i.e.
the smell is something unpleasant, annoying, but temporary. Our
society vilifies smoking in general, so it is easy to act like
he is a pariah. But he sounds like a good guy except for this
one vice, so I would say find some way to not be so annoyed by
the smell (it is hard to control the smell of smoking, and
smokers are the least able to notice their own smell). I know
it is illegal but, honestly, I do think it is far better than
alcohol or any other vices a man could have.
Wife of pot smoker too
If it is really just the smell that you object to, why not get
your husband a ''smoking jacket'' to wear outside while smoking.
However it sounds like the issues might be deeper than that. I
would say a husband that smokes pot only and then cleans the
house is pretty harmless. Sometimes in a marriage it is a good
idea to pick your battles and save your ammunition for the
stuff that really matters.
alexis
Hi there -- I'm sorry that this is an issue, but I wanted to
ask: Are you sure that your husband is just a ''recreational pot
smoker''? To me, ''recreational'' means that you do it at an
occasional party and never in the house when your kids are
around. And you certainly don't hide in the bathroom to smoke
if your wife is concerned about it. In my limited knowledge of
addiction (my dad was a functioning alcoholic), if you choose
the substance over family (for example, your wishes not to
smell it) then he is heading towards addiction or is addicted.
I I hope this helps....
No offense but I think you are lying. It sounds to me like you
really resent the fact that he smokes at all. You are trying to
control his smoking by controlling the smell.
He is an excellent husband and father. (And you claim this is an
exception to that?) He doesn't smoke once the kids are in bed
when you are not home and he takes steps to insure that the smell
associated with his smoking is as little as possible. And you
bust his chops about it and talk about how unreasonable he
is?????????? He is absolutely correct when he says that if he
smokes he cannot be completely smell free.
The tone of your letter suggests that you believe since you knew
he smoked from the beginning that you are not entitled to object
now. But the truth is that you do object now whether in your
mind you are entitled to or not. Perhaps you have been secretly
hoping he would change once you were married with kids. You need
to start telling the whole truth (even the contradictory parts).
If you continue with this tack you are on I predict that he will
come to resent you in a very ugly way. I would strongly recommend
that you find a loving, compassionate place within yourself and
bring this to your interactions with him around this.
Of course, you also could use this as an opportunity to deepen
within yourself. What if you held it as though he wasn't doing
anything to you but that instead your reaction was about you?
What if you let yourself feel what arises for you around this
without any story or making anyone wrong? Try turning your
attention away from him and toward your inner self, to the
feelings instead of the thoughts? By lashing out at him you are
avoiding something juicy for you.
anon
My wife was uncomfortable with the smell of smoke. I went and got
a vaporizer and it helps immensely. It is also healthier for you
than pipe smoking.
There is a local company that creates vaporizers, vaporstore.com,
and you can buy them at Al's Smoke Shop on Telegraph.
pot smoking hubby
Oh boy. Here is my take. Warning: you may not like what I have
to say.
I smoke pot almost every evening after work to unwind. I
generally do it after my child goes to bed, but I sometimes do it
beforehand. I smoke in my home, but always away from my child.
My kid is in a great school, and I have a great job. Everything
concerning my child is handled by me. If I have something to do
with my child or for my child, I do not get stoned. I feel that
I have a right to my one vice if I am responsible about using. I
know it is illegal and that people die over it since it is
illegal. I believe it should be legalized, and I find it benign
compared to alcohol.
My husband was like you. He HATED that I smoked pot. He comes
from a law enforcement family, so he is completely against it.
By the way, his family LOVES me, and one of my in-laws is aware
of my habit as are my clean-as-a-whistle parents. I told them
because it IS illegal and I didn't want them to be blindsided by
the information if anything ever happened to me (like, if I get
hit by a bus, I don't want them to be shocked if an autopsy shows
that marajuana was in my blood). None of them complain about my
filthy little habit anymore because I am the one who handles the
important details about our life and our child, and I do a better
job than my husband does. After 10 years with me, his views
about pot and its effects have changed, and he no longer
considers it worth it to complain about my habit. I told him
that he could leave if he was not happy with our marraige. I am
economically independent, and he is aware that my choosing to be
with him is just that: a choice.
If he is not cheating on you or selling all of your belongings to
get drugs, and he makes you happy in all other areas, I think
you are being selfish, petty and picky, but my opinion doesn't
count. Yours does. If this is a deal-breaker for you that you
didn't realize would affect your marraige so much, leave him.
Smoking marajuana in the United States IS illegal, and if you
feel that strongly, you should leave him. He is an adult making
a choice, and so are you. If you can't accept it, you shouldn't.
If living without him is worth it, then leave him to his pot.
If it isn't worth it, then leave him alone and let him smoke in
his home with plenty of Lysol behind closed doors away from your
children.
Anonymous, of course!
Oh this sucks. I was in the same position. Luckily, for me, he
pretty much stopped. First he stopped buying it, so he would only
have some if a friend gave it to him. Then, it really just
started disagreeing with him. Either from being older or just not
smoking it much, it started affecting him badly. After a huge
fight when he was acting really weird and wouldn't admit that he
was on something, the next day he admitted he had smoked pot
before coming home from work(!) and said he was going to stop. Of
course, a few days after that he did it one more time to assert
his independence or something but since then we have not had any
problems. So I don't know if you should hope for some big
incident or what, but I'm sure you know that nothing good will
come of discussing it when he is freshly doped up. If you can (I
know it's hard!) don't yell, just be cold and distant and talk
about it the next day. I really don't see how with two kids he
has enough opportunities to still get high. Maybe your next rule
needs to be, No smoking when you are at home with the kids at
all--not just when he is alone with them, because that is not
fair to you. If everyone is home and he slips away to get high
while you put the kids in bed, not only have you done all the
work, but you also get to spend the rest of the night with a
stoned loser guy.
Also, many of my friends had parents that smoked pot when they
were young and hid it to various extents--all of them knew that
something weird was going on and did not like it. So you may
bring up the fact that he is going to have to quit sooner or
later unless he wants to really freak out the kids. It will have
to be something for ''special ocassions''-- just like parents who
like to drink don't get totally smashed unless it's new years eve
and the kids are with a babysitter for the whole night. I know I
know pot smokers will say that a joint is like 1 glass of wine
but the point is we all have to control our behavior for the
common good.
anon
You say you accept the pot smoking, that the actual smoking
doesn't really bother you ''too much'', but then you say that you
don't think he should smoke at all since it's illegal ''and
gross'', and it doesn't sound to me like you do accept it at all!
It also sounds to me to me like you're looking to the BPN
community to make your husband ''wrong'' for doing it at all- I
suspect that you'll get plenty of responders willing to do that,
so I'm going to speak from another viewpoint.
I think you're being unreasonable- you say, ''what the heck do I
do?'', but what the heck do you expect your husband to do? You
knew this about him, you like the bennie that he cleans when
stoned, but you think that it's possible for you to NEVER smell
any at all on him- ? That's impossible, all sorts of smells stay
on a person until they have a chance to clean up, whether it's
manure from working in the garden or garlic and onions from
cooking. His ''rationalizing'' that he just came inside ''blah,
blah, blah'' might very well have been the simple fact of the
matter- you walked in on him (did you knock?) when he was
brushing his teeth and working to get rid of the smell so that
you wouldn't have to deal with it! I don't call that ''shoving it
in my [your] face''.
Or maybe it WOULD be possible to never smell even the slightest
hint if you required him to build his own personal shower in the
back yard, set up his own personal clothes hamper outside of the
house, and keep a supply of clean clothes outside the house!
Really- it sounds like you are trying to make him succumb to your
desire that he not smoke at all by setting up impossible hurdles
for him rather than working out a realistic compromise. Being a
total pothead who is rendered incapable of being ''an excellent
husband and father'' because of drug use is a whole different ball
of wax from what you are describing.
This issue is bringing something up for you, and I think that you
are so set on being self-righteous and right, that you aren't
looking at yourself and where your need to make him wrong is
coming where. I wonder if he gave up the pot if you would come up
with some other way to make him wrong.
There are sooo many things way worse than being a recreational
pot smoker, whether it's legal or not (and there are many good
arguments for decriminalizing it- for adults, not for minors).
Anon
This one is easy -- get him a vaporizer. They are sold in
several head shops on Telegraph Ave. See
http://www.vaporbrothers.com/ for details on one particular
brand. There is no smoke involved at all -- the THC is vaporized
at a high temperature and inhaled. No smoke, no smell.
anon
This is an easy one! Have him start baking pot cookies. No
more smoke.
Anon
Wow. i just read the first responses to your question, and I
just wanted to say that I don't agree with those--and even
you--who say that you ''knew this when you married him'' so it
shouldn't matter now. People grow and change. What didn't
bother you at age 25 might really bother you now, and that's
okay. It's pretty clear from your message that you need
something different now, but feel guilty about that need. Is his
''need'' to smoke pot more important just because it's been the
longer pattern? No. You count too. You do need to deal with
your own feelings here, and be honest with yourself first. How
important is this issue? Can you deal with it in yourself by
yourself, or do you need help? Do you think this is something
you and your husband can work on,or do you is there a bigger
issue lurking? Sounds like it's time for a little soul
searching, and realignment as a couple. The happiest marriages
aren't between people who never change. They are between people
who support each other during the changes that inevitably happen
in the course of a lifetime and have learned to grow together.
Sounds like you're at a point where you need to see if you can do
that. It can be scary, but from your post it also sounds like
it's worth it.
Thoughts on the other side
It didn't even occur to me to respond to the original post
until I started reading the responses, which reminded me of my
first marriage. My ex smoked every day, which was fine at
first. Then, I started being bothered by the smell, the money
spent, etc. After a few years, I realized that it was his way
to be emotionally absent from our relationship and his life. I
couldn't live like that, but his friends kept telling him that
there was nothing wrong with it and that I was being a b#*%@! I
was accused of being controlling, when I really just wanted a
marriage where the other person was actually ''there''. We
divorced, but remained good friends. Coincidentally, his
current long-term girlfriend has been battling him over the
same thing for years, and he still seems just as willing to
lose her instead of the pot, just like he was with me. I
wonder if the original poster might be concerned with her
husband's need for escape more than the smell but is too afraid
to even approach that subject. I don't know how bad this battle
is in your home, but counseling to discuss your concerns in a
safe place might not be such a bad idea. I do agree with some
of the other posters when they pointed out that ''social
smokers'' don't smoke every day. Just another angle to explore.
Married to Clear-Headed Husband Now
Fascinating responses to the woman who wrote that her husband's
pot smoking was a problem for her! Yes, she probably wasn't
being honest that the smell was the main thing that bothered
her about it; she probably would rather that he not smoke at
all.
Whether or not the smell of pot is really the original poster's
main problem, or pot should be decriminalized, or that he's a
good husband in other respects, or he could buy a vaporizer to
reduce the smell, is beside the point. His pot smoking is
causing a problem in their marriage.
Apparently doesn't care. He thinks that by smoking outside and
brushing his teeth right away, he's doing his bit. That would
be fair if we were talking about some really necessary habit or
bodily function.
But smoking pot isn't actually a necessity of life. If someone
feels compelled to engage in basically superfluous
behavior - be it pot or cigarette smoking, alcohol, binge
eating, downloading porn, surfing the internet for hours,
gambling, shopping for Manolo Blahniks (and yes, I compare them
equally because they are all, strictly speaking, unnecessary) -
and it is a constant source of conflict in their marriage, and
they still refuse to give it up, it's the user who has the
problem.
If you need to get even mildly high to unwind, get to sleep or
get through the day, you're addicted, no matter in what
quantity you use. Her husband needs to address why he is
compelled to use in spite of this being a point of contention.
And both he and she need to think ahead to the fact that their
kids - unless they are blind, deaf and hard of smelling(!) are
going to pick up some pretty poor relationship modeling from
this kind of sad stand-off between their parents.
Seeing clearly through the smoke
Your arguments with your husband sound like the ones I had with
my husband in the beginning (although years before we were
married). For years he made it seem like it was me who had the
problem. He denied he had an addiction and refused to see how
it was affecting our family. He had smoked for 17 years and it
had made him extremely emotionally immature and unavailable.
And while smoking pot in general doesn't bother me, it wasn't
okay for me to live with someone who NEEDED it to function.
When he'd tell me ''it's JUST pot'' I'd have to feel strong
in ''but I'm not okay with it.'' I hesitated talking to people
about our problem because I knew most people would think I was
just tripping and that I needed to lighten up - but what they
didn't see was how his progressive addiction got to where his
smoking, and trying to hide his smoking, was affecting every
facet of our family's life. Finally, I'd had enough and I think
he realized that losing me and his son was not worth it
anymore. Nor was being totally emotionally dependent on a drug
to stay calm and functional. He got help and he's been
completely sober for 4 years now. It was very tough for him to
stop. The difference I see in him as an individual, husband,
father, and friend is unbelievable. He talks about it now and
admits how much of his time and energy he spent being high,
thinking about getting high, thinking of how to hide it from me
and others, and planning our days in such a way that he could
break away to smoke. He completely validates all of my previous
concerns and is so happy that it isn't his lifestyle anymore.
He's an addict- he always will be- but he's a recovering addict
now and I've never seen him happier.
I tell you all of this because I want you to realize that it
isn't always ''just pot'' and it can be a very serious problem.
Take your concerns seriously and don't let anyone talk them down
if they are really things that bother you. If it really is just
the smell, then there isn't that much I can do to help you with
that one (although I have heard you can blow out a tube with a
dryer sheet on the end of it).
Good luck.
not just the smell
November 2006
I am wondering how people deal with family members who smoke
pot. My husband and I do not do any drugs. We have an 8 month
old and went to visit his family for Thanksgiving. His parents
are tolerant of the brother and sister's marijuana use and
while no one smokes marijuana around us or the baby(it is done
outside or in the bedroom) the entire house smells like pot. I
feel uncomfortable with this situation and so does my husband.
We worry about the baby crawling on the floor and ingesting
buds or being effected by all the pot smoke. We want to visit
family but do not feel we can ask them to babysit or stay at
their house as there are usually other potsmokers around. Any
feedback?
Anon
i am a mom of two and still indulge in pot occasionally. and i
have no problem telling anyone NOT to smoke in their house when
my children are present. take it outside and wash your hands
and face before coming around the kids. also, i clearly ask
people when they visit my house or when i visit theirs to make
sure any harmful substance is out of children's reach, whether
it be pot or the tylenol in my mom's purse. as for babysitting
or visiting, do you trust these people's judgement? would they
have a problem not smoking while babysitting? talk to them
openly about it.
rasta mama
In response to the question about pot smoking at family
gatherings I think it's totally inappropriate. I do have a
cannabis card and I use the marijuana for pain relief. I used to
smoke marijuana daily for the past 13 years. I have recently
stopped smoking daily but I do smoke occasionaly when I am away
from home and my child is not around. I used to smoke outside or
in the garage and no matter how much you wash your hands, face
or brush your teeth the smell is still going to linger. I just
think it's wrong to expose children to drugs...and yes marijuana
is a drug...no matter what most users believe. Kids are very
smart these days and the DARE program is still in effect in
schools. I think it's very selfish to smoke when children are
around. Just my opinion:)
anon
June 2006
For the last 10 years or so, my 37 year old brother in law has
sold pot as a main source of income. He is currently married
and living with my in-laws who do not know that he sells pot.
While I do not have any problem with the use of pot, I have had
issues with my BIL's involvement with pot and this has caused
tensions b/w my husband and I. After our 2 year old was born,
I insisted that my BIL not use our home as a place to meet
mutual friends to do deals with. Begrudgingly, my husband
ceded to this request. My husband and I had some fierce
arguments when I advocated that my husband tell his brother
that if he was going to live with their parents, that he not
sell pot anymore. I was concerned that my BIL was unfairly
invovling my in-laws and putting them (and their home) at
risk. My husband refused and said it was not my business.
Recently, my BIL was arrested in Marin b/c he sold pot 4 times
to an undercover officer. My BIL had been making connections
on craigs list and got caught (big surprise). He was just
arraigned on 5 felony charges. He believes he may get out of
(which I hightly doubt) and if he does, indicated to my husband
he will continue to sell. In my opinion, my BIL has made (and
continues to make) some horrible judgment calls and has been
reckless in how those judgment calls impact others. As such,
when it recently came up, I told my husband that I did not feel
comfortable having the BIL babysit our daughter. While my BIL
is great with kids (he teaches at pre-schools) and my daughter
loves him, given his poor decisions and recent legal troubles,
I do not feel it is appropriate to leave our daughter in his
care. My husband is outraged that I am taking this position.
Am I off base in not allowing my BIL to babysit our daughter?
If I am not off base, any assistance in further articulating to
my husband why this is not ok would be appreciated.
Your BIL may be good with kids as a preschool instructor (woah, which
preschool?)but he has shown that he is not considerate of others in that
he DID really jeopardize his parents and their home by selling out of
the house. No decent preschool will hire him with his record, which
should be a hint. And geez, is your husband really OK with him selling
out of your house (even to ''friends'')? Leaving aside all questions of
whether our current marijuana laws are reasonable (I think that they are
not), it is a fact that recreational marijuana use and especially sale
for recreational use is ILLEGAL and, as you have seen, can lead to
tremendous problems for everyone even peripherally involved. If your
BIL were sitting for your daughter and your BIL sold to an undercover
agent (again) this time out of your house and was arrested, was would
happen to her? What kind of impression would she have if she were to
see her beloved uncle cuffed and led away? Your husband's tolerance of
this is difficult for me to comprehend. It sounds as if his brother is
a ''nice guy'' in terms of being likeable, but a destructive guy in
terms of being selfish. I hope you get a lot of wake-up calls to pass
on no longer a user
I wouldn't leave my child in this person's care no matter what.
He clearly has no judgment at all, and what if he were to be arrested,
or do his drug transactions (and what if one went
''bad''???) when caring for your child??? I hope you stand up to your
husband, for your child's safety's sake. This BIL of yours is just a big
bag o' trouble, and your husband can't be serious.
Anon
You are doing the right thing and if your husband thinks you are being
bossy or unfair or sticking your nose where it supposedly doesn't belong
INSTEAD of worrying about the safety of your child, then that's grounds
for separation. I've been in the same place. A close family member did
the same thing- sold pot. He somehow ended upside down financially and
guess what? Two guys went to our parents' home while a 6 year old
relative was sittng with him and they brandished guns with the intent to
use them if very specific arrangements weren't made. Now, money and
ending up on top is always more important than human integrity and loss
of life in the business. Last year a home (not in the same area of town,
but scary none the less) was invaded because of pot- not coke, not meth,
just pot and an 11 year old girl was shot. That's extreme, but people
always minimize pot. I'm not against other people smoking it either, but
where there's $$ for pot, there's more $$ for coke, etc. Besides, do you
want creepy people around your daughter?
What if your BIL goes into another room for just a moment and your child
is molested or flashed or grabbed, etc, just for kicks by someone buying
or dealing?
They could be the most ''normal'' looking person, but it happens. That's
sick and if your hubby is enough of a bull headed guy- so much so- that
he risks the safety of his own family, then he is not worth it and you
should really consider laying down the choices he's got. Besides, if
he's defending your BIL so adamantly, are you sure he isn't dealing too?
Just speaking from a very similar experience Anon Mom
As someone who has spent tons of time around drug dealers, the big
negative here seems to be that your BIL is dealing to people he doesn't
know. The possibilities for something bad happening
-- getting ripped off (violence), getting busted (people with guns).
Should these things happen with your child around, the consequences
could be very bad. Also, your child will know what's going on at a
pretty young age, and it will be hard for you to be sure what that is.
Is it ok for you for your child to know about drugs and drug dealing
(mine does). Have you watched ''Weeds''? It's pretty realistic. Drug
dealing is not a particularly safe occupation, particularly if you're
not careful.
Selling on Craigslist is not careful.
knows a few drug dealers
It would be a very bad idea to let your brother-in-law to have any
responsibility for/access to your kids. Doing deals in your house?
Arranging hook ups on craigslist? Come on. That's incredibly
irresponsible. As someone who in their earlier years walked on the wild
side- and who did inhale- I tell you this if nothing else- you do not
want some of his customers, or his suppliers knowing where he lives or
hangs out. I have some friends/ fellow parents who are weekend uses, and
I don't worry about them as parents any more than I worry about people
who ''drink responsibly'' on ''social occasions'' (personally I think
pot should be decriminalized)- but dealing for a living?
Involving family? Works at a preschool? Sheesh, does he deal from there,
too? Also are you sure he's dealing only weed?
Don't be surprised if he's dealing meth too.
Short story: It's much better to be perceived as unhip and have your
family and family home, safe and sound. Your BIL does not sound like the
kindly uncle who smokes a little dope now and then when the kids aren't
around, he is someone who has a real problem and isn't too bright. Don't
take chances. Keep him away from the kids.
420 Friendly but no fool
I think pot should be legal- even with that said- I don't think it
should be anywhere near children. I don't think you are off
base- I think your husband is and you two may need a mediator to really
sort through this issue. It should like your BIL has poor judgement- a
trait that you don't really want when it comes to someone taking care of
your child. My husband and I recently disagreed on a subject concerning
family and we are now going to sort it through with a counselor- we
differ so much that i think it could damage our relationship to keep
arguing about it. Good luck to you Anon
You are MORE than right on this one & your daughter's well being depends
on you. Always go with your gut feeling as a parent. Your BIL shows
extremely poor judgement. He should NEVER EVER EVER be left alone with
your child. He could very well put her in serious danger. Do you
really think that if he arranges a deal & he happens to be caring for
your daughter at the time, that he'd call if off? Yeah right! And I
shouldn't have to tell you that not all pot buyers are non-violent
medical users, aging hippies, or college tokers. What if a buyer showed
up while your BIL was sitting & the deal ''went bad''? Please try & help
your huband understand that your daughter's well-being is the priority
in your lives & being in your BIL's care is simply an avoidable tragedy
waiting to happen. Why risk it? Before becoming a stay-at-home mom, I
worked in law enforcement for over 15 years, many of which were spent
working narcotics cases & seizing homes used to sell drugs. While it is
not as simple ''as doing deals at a home will get the home seized'',
you're absolutely right about the potential risk. Don't let your husband
guilt you into doing something that you know in your heart isn't
absolutley in the BEST interest of your daughter. Please take care &
stand your ground on this one. Best of luck to you Mom & Ex-Law
Enforcement
I'd be really uncomfortable with what you're talking about. If your
brother-in-law really was arrested for selling pot, I'd be very
surprised if he's able to keep his job as a nursery school teacher.
Maybe that will force the crisis in which he sees that he really needs
to deal with his problem. And maybe your husband needs will also
recognize that it is a problem. It can't be easy for you, but I say
stick to your gut feeling and stand by your kid. If it's important for
family reasons, she can still see him when you're around. But it's
terribly irresponsible behavior and I'd not want to leave my child alone
with a drug dealer either anon
Having worked in the criminal justice system for a long time, I think
your concerns about having an active drug dealer involved in your life
are well placed. Although many of us may think that selling marijuana
is not that big of a deal, under the law it is a very serious offense,
particularly if it is charged as a federal offense. The liabilities for
your entire family are very serious if the government chooses to involve
you in the scope of the investigation, or feels that by pressuring you
they may be able to gain some advanatage in the prosecution of your
family member or others. At a minimuim, if he is prosecuted federally
the house that he is using for his dealing would likely be forfeited.
Drug prosecutions are very serious and ugly - I doubt however much he is
making is worth the years of his life and heartache to his family that a
prosecution would bring cautious
I'll keep this short and sweet. Your maternal instincts are spot on. You
may say, ''oh, it's only pot'' but bottom line, your brother-in-law is
drug dealer and perhaps a soon to be convicted felon, and I feel sorry
for the parents that are sending their kids to his preschool. You have
to ask yourself, ''Would I leave my child with a drug dealer and
convicted felon?'' The answer, of course, is no and your husband is in
la la land. Don't back down.
The in-law question is tougher, and it's not your place to get involved
- but your husband is wrong to exposure your parents to this type of
danger - legally and physically Put your child first
I say go with your gut and tell your husband you do not trust your BIL's
judgement and you do not want him babysitting your children. Period.
This may cause problems with your husband, but don't compromise your
child's safety and stick to your guns. Good luck Anon
All my experience as a teacher, parent, and a volunteer in law
enforcement, including contact with people who sell drugs tells me that
you are the responsible member of the family (in a positive way!). It is
entirely reasonable that this man NOT sit your child. I would not have
any more involvement with him than possible. I would also alert the
parents he is living with to his behavior if they don't know by now. He
is putting them at risk as well. These kinds of people drag everyone
around them into the morass. People who don't agree with you on this one
need a reality check. kathryn
Considering your statement that your BIL makes poor decisions such as
selling to undercover officers and doing drug deals at family members'
homes (including yours), I don't think you should allow him to care for
your daughter. It sounds like your husband has a lot trust that his
brother will not involve your daughter in his illegal dealings but can
your husband GUARANTEE that it won't affect her? What if he gets
arrested while she's present?
Would your husband really want her to witness that? What about the
people he deals to? They could be perfectly pleasant, upstanding
citizens but there's a good chance that some of his customers are not so
savory. There are plenty more what-ifs in this situation and it just
doesn't seem worth the risk ASP
I agree with you completely. I'm not anti pot at all, but selling pot
is a whole other thing than smoking it recreationally. Just practically
speaking, it's not clear how your brother in law will resolve his legal
problems. Marin County is VERY law enforcement oriented, and it is
likely that he will be placed on felony probation after some jail time.
If he violates his probation, ie gets caught again, he will most likely
be sent to state prison, in short order. They do not mess around in
Marin when it comes to this stuff. (Even in Alameda County people very
frequently go to state prison under this same scenario). Hopefully
after your brother in law speaks to an attorney he will have a more
realistic idea of what he is facing.
You do not want your children involved with someone who got arrested and
then says he intends to keep on selling. A few years ago the NYT
covered a very sad story -- an actresss was selling pot to make ends
meet, and she and her friends were shot by some buyers who decided to
rob them. People who sell even pot are exposing themselves to a world
where people carry guns, will do anything for a fast buck, etc. I guess
it's possible that some sellers ONLY sell to people they know, but hey,
he got caught selling to a police officer, so he obviously isn't in that
category. NOt to be too blunt about this, but I think that your husband
is in a bit of denial anonymous
There's a difference between somebody who smokes pot from time to time
and someone whose income is based on selling it. I'm not really opposed
to pot, but it's an illegal substance, and you can lose your property if
dealing is taking place on your (or your MIL's) property. I wouldn't
allow him to babysit my kid.
Supervised visits, ok. Babysitting, not worth it. Even if he's no longer
dealing at your house
I have a similar issue, only my kids are older teens now, so let me
tell you what you've got to look forward to. My brother's main source of
income is from selling pot. He lives a few hours away, and
when he visits, he likes to do a little business at the same time to
make the trip worthwhile.
In fact, he's told me that he doesn't consider it worth the gas and trouble to come
to the Bay Area for a visit unless he can make a sale at the same
time. The last time he came to visit, I learned later, his main deal
fell through, he had a large amount of unsold pot, so he tried to
sell it to my 18-year-old teen son and some of his (under 18) friends.
At my house, while I was busy in the kitchen making Thanksgiving dinner.
My son told me about this later. When the teens declined, my
brother held open a bag and invited them to help themselves.
My brother didn't see anything wrong with this and was surprised that I was
angry with him. He gave me a lecture about being too uptight.
My brother knows that I was smoking pot years before he was, though I
don't smoke anymore. I actually do not have a problem with my older
teens smoking pot, but I am not going to be the mom who is supplying her
kids' friends with marijuana. And the idea of my brother trying to make
money off my kids and their friends just infuriates me.
My brother does not have kids, so he just doesn't
get it, and probably never will. After so many years of pot smoking,
he doesn't appear to have any brains left either.
I think you are smart to lay the ground rules now.
You are not off-base! Your husband is in denial about his brother and so
are his parents. Your husband does not seem to acknowledge the
difference between personal pot smoking and selling pot as a main source
of income. By law, that makes his brother a drug dealer. Is that cool?
Where does he draw the line? Would he also cover if his brother murdered
someone? What does that say about your husband's values? I don't know if
it is your role to hold the mirror up to this family, but I know what I
would do. The brother in law would not baby-sit my kid nor be allowed to
teach as a preschool teacher ''on the side.''
(Yes, I'd blow whistle on that one - it's not as if you take his primary
source of income! He'll find his way back into the pot market or finally
into prison). His parents will be shocked and your husband probably
won't forgive you for not following the denial path. But you clearly
have a clash in fundamental values with your husband and that is
serious. Do you want your daughter to become part of that denial
structure too? Time for consequences. Be ready to strike out on your own
with your daughter and see if your husband can follow your path and take
responsibility of his role as a bystander Anonymous
March 2004
My sister just had a baby, and her partner regularly smokes pot.
How bad is second hand pot smoke for an infant to be around? I
have looked in the Parent's Network archives, but didn't find an
exact answer to my question. Please send along any
information/advice!
Thank you.
No second hand smoke is good for babies. The father must stop
smoking immediately to protect his child or move it outside the
house.
no smoke around my babies please!
According to Marian Diamond in ''Magic Trees of the Mind,'' pregnant
women exposed to passive pot smoke 3 times per week in a closed
room tended to have babies with problems such as more distress after
birth, lower birthweight, disturbed sleep cycles, and more likely to be
high-strung and cranky. Presumably if passive pot smoke can cause
this kind of problems in pregnant women, it isn't very good for babies
and children either.
Karen
June 2003
Here is something I have been struggling with since my partner
and I had kids (over 9 years!). We have been together since
our very early twenties and are now in our early forties. We
have since those early days of our relationship enjoyed smoking
pot on a daily or nearly daily basis. When I became pregnant
with my first child, I stopped smoking pot. After the birth of
my first kid, I started smoking it again--and didn't really
feel like it was much of an issue until after kid number two
(when I found out I was pregnant with #2 I stopped during my
pregnancy and started again when #2 was born).
I have long been the kind of person that doesn't crave pot, but
smoked because (a) I enjoyed it and (b) it was available. I
also suspect that I have smoked pot because my partner did, and
it became a habit that we shared. Since becoming a parent to
two kids, my sense of responsibility for my behavior has
increased. I don't want to be stoned while I am caring for my
kids, for fear that something could happen that I didn't
respond to appropriately because my judgment was impared. In
addition, I have realized that I don't like to be stoned like I
used to (though once every other other week or so is
still ''fun''), and that I can stop without any problem. In
fact, I have expressed to my partner several times since
becoming a parent, that I think the habit should cease, with
both of us. He gets very defensive about it, says he enjoys it
and that it doesn't hurt anyone. I disagree that it doesn't
hurt anyone--it hurts me that I ask him to stop, but he doesn't
(I don't help if I continue to partake--even if much less
frequently that him). It hurts my kids in that their parents
are engaging in a behavior that is not healty. I am concerned
about my kids learning what that smell is that they have said
on occasion smells like skunk.
My partner has on and off complied with my request that he
smoke less habitually -- he can go a week or so, but then
always reverts to the daily or near daily habit. I want to be
a good role model for my children--and I want him to be one too-
-how can you ask a child to do as you say, but not as you do?
I feel like I am complicit in his habit by continuing to smoke
myself, but I am ready to stop --and I really want him to
stop. I just don't know how to help him do it. By the way, he
stopped smoking cigarettes almost a year ago (on my pleas) but
now is addicted to nicotine gum!
I have become a much more health concious person since having
kids--I work out, I eat healthily, and I try to take care of
myself. I want for my partner to do the same, but know that I
can't force him. I think that he has various problems
(adequacy (i have been the stronger wage earner for many years,
abandonment by his father) that he needs to address that he
avoids by smoking pot. The fact that he continues to smoke pot
despite my many requests that he/we stop is damaging my esteem
for him. How can I help him (and us)?
Needs to find a solution
Maybe your partner is depressed. My husband has
similar ''addictive'' qualities. He stopped smoking several times
around the birth of our child, and now he's been smoke free for
over two years (cold turkey - never with nicotine supplements).
He also has used pot a lot when it was available to him, and
admits it was an escape, but he ''could quit any time''. Finally,
he DID run out, the connection to get it was severed, and he
realized how much it was costing him a month - and that was
that - he ''quit''. While he admits to craving it often, he has
been on a better path since he started anti-depressents. The
anger and anxiety that the pot used to soothe, are no longer as
prevelant. He is in general more easy going and pursues things
that he loves with the ''addictive'' quality he once pursued
smoking.
I am not a user and never have been, so I always readily admit
to him that I don't really know what it's like, and he has
assured me repeatedly that when he's high he's no danger to us
or himself and I shouldn't make a big deal about him being high
around our child. Indeed, he seems very much in control (and
giddy!) when he's high, but never dangerous or foolish. But
again, he was using a lot when there was a lot of turmoil in our
lives and he was spending time with a friend who always made it
available. That friend is not part of his life since he realized
having him always led to wanting the other.
I agree that you both should try to set a good example. But
pot's a vice, just like smoking and drink. I never asked him to
quit smoking pot or cigarettes, but championed his efforts when
he decided to quit on his own. I believe it's really the user's
decision, and nagging him is not the answer.
Hope this helps. Good Luck!
pot partner
A couple of suggestions.
First of all, as you know, you have to stop smoking pot yourself.
If the ''do as I say, not as I do'' logic won't work with your
kids, it certainly won't work with your partner. So stop it.
From now on, no more pot period.
Secondly, try to find other things to do instead of smoking. Busy
him with pleasurable activities so that the moment for smoking
passes.
anon
Perhaps as an incentive to your partner, you can point out that
the children will not respect him or his authority when they
realize he is stoned a significant percentage of the time they
are with him.
My parents smoked pot at least once a week, and usually much
more, throughout my childhood. I understood at a very early age
(5?) that the skunky smell meant that my parents would be in a
complacent mood and used it to my advantage a lot.
I don't remember the age when I realized that what they were
doing was illegal, but it was before age 10, and with a young
child's understanding of the law, I was confused and hurt that
they would do something that could result in them going to jail
and abandoning me.
And as a teen, their attempts at setting boundaries to my
behavior were met with sarcastic derision and complete
disobediance. Why would I respect their rules when they didn't
respect the law? Why should I respect the law if they didn't?
I didn't turn into a huge druggie, but I did experiment a lot,
and with many stronger things than pot and other types of risky
behavior. I was lucky and didn't suffer any (noticeable)
consequences of some very stupid decisions.
But I still have difficulty respecting my parents. Of course
there are other issues other than the pot smoking, but they
continue to think that their use (still frequent, although I
think it has tapered off) is and was not a big deal. I've tried
to explain to them my early anxieties that the cops would come
and take them away and they refuse to accept it was a valid
fear.
And when, later, I realized that had something happened to me
while they were stoned, they wouldn't have been able to react
quickly and clearheadedly to care for me, my anger was intense.
You may not think it is a big deal, and your partner certainly
doesn't, but your children may. (Not saying that every kid will
experience what I did, but the risk that they might should deter
you both, if nothing else does.)
You are parents now, you need to put the needs of your children
before your own ''fun.'' Being stoned is hardly terrible
behavior, but it is not responsible, either.
Child of Stoners
I have strong opinions on this issue, based on both personal and
professional experience. Personal first. My husband and I used
to smoke pot frequently in our 20s. I quit about 10 years ago,
for a variety of reasons. He kept using, daily or almost daily.
It became a HUGE issue, as after I quit I began to notice what a
profound effect it had had on me, and still had on him (and us).
He was emotionally absent, often anxious, self-centered, and
immature (yes, he has good qualities too!) Months and years of
arguing, cajoling, trying to ignore it, etc. followed, and
finally I decided I simply couldn't take it anymore and made him
move out. Well that same month I found out I was pregnant. After
much soul searching he entered an outpatient treatment program
for marijuana addiction. It's now three years later and he is
clean, goes to Marijuana Anonymous meetings, and has also gone
through incredible growth as a person. We are both so happy that
things ended as they did.
I am also a mental health professional. In that capacity I have
seen many, many people addicted to pot. Yes, it is addictive.
It's effects are more subtle than those of other drugs, but
believe me, it can really stunt a person's emotional capacities
and growth. I really think it is one of the most underrecognized
addictions out there.
So, what can you do? Start with yourself. Check out the MA
website, and go to a few meetings. Educate yourself about the
effects of long-term marijuana use on you and your kids. The
heartbreaking part is that you can't make your partner stop. You
can talk with him, and share your experience, and see what
happens. Good luck.
anon, please
Many people believe that smoking pot is a victimless crime. They
often say things like, ''I'm not hurting anyone'' or I'm not
hurting anyone but myself.'' Unfortunately, the daily use of pot
injures relationships, wears on one's self-esteem, costs money
which takes from the family and maybe the most difficult of all
dulls the person's emotions to the point where they are
unavailable.
Also, If someone is smoking pot daily, makes promises to quit
and doesn't or promises to ''cut back'' but ends up right back
where they started hints at addiction. I know this is probably
not what one wants to hear. However, addiction isn't about the
substance, the amount one uses, or the lifestyle one leads -
it's about one's inability to stop using, increased use (or
maintenance use), continued use in spite of negative
consequences and psychological dependence or physical
dependence. When one uses to avoid working through issues in
one's life, e.g. abandonment by father, inadequacy, etc. the use
of the drug becomes the way to cope with emotions and makes one
unavailable to those they love and who love them. Pot is one of
the best drugs for dulling ones senses and emotions.
It actually seems that you have a choice. Leave your partner
alone to smoke pot daily and not be available to you or your
children and ask yourself why you want to be with someone
emotionally unavailable who prefers smoking pot to you or your
feelings, continue to demand that he stop (which isn't working),
or get help for yourself and figure out what you want to do.
The advise you want is probably how do I get him to stop smoking
pot every day. The answer is you can't. He will do what he
wants. I doubt he can do anything else (if what you say is
true), but you can do something about you.
Sorry, probably not what you want to hear.
meddling old fool
You are in a hard situation. I wanted to respond, not because I
have the best answer for you, but I wanted to give you some
perspective on what it can be like for children growing up in a
house where there is drug use. My father continues to smoke pot
daily, and smoked pot throughout my childhood. When I put all
of the pieces together I was nine and I was terrified. I had
learned in school that drugs were BAD and to know that my father
did drugs was scary. I think that realization created a fear
that forever altered my relationship with him.
By the time I was 12, however, I was smoking pot. The first pot
I smoked I stole from my father and I smoked pot throughout my
high school years, occassionally even smoking with him. It was
considered an ok thing to do in my household. I believe it
stunted my growth and I definitely used it as a means to escape
during the gray days of highschool. In looking back at that
time I get upset with my parents for not considering my health
and try to provide some parental structure and guidelines about
its use. But it's hard to say ''you can't eat any icecream,''
when you are licking an icecream cone.
I continued to smoke pot until I got pregnant, and haven't
since. I, like you, do not think it is necessarily a bad
thing. But like any ''altering'' substance, if you use it as an
escape or are addicted to it then that addiction significantly
affects the people around you. My father is somewhat unbearable
to be around if he is not high. This hasn't always been the
case, it has definitely gotten worst as he got older and more
addicted. This happens slowly, so I think you are very wise to
pick up on what seems like ok behavior maybe leading in the
wrong direction.
I would advise you seek help for you partner for your sake and
your children's. I know my friend sent her husband to a program
similar to AA -- but for pot smokers and he was able to quit and
stay off pot. She lives down in LA, but I imagine there are
similar programs here. Perhaps some people will suggest them to
you. She said it was very hard for him to accept the fact that
he had a problem, but they are both much happier now. Sounds
like you would be too.
Good luck.
anon
My partner also smokes pot on a nearly daily basis. I guess I
think of the kind of pot smoking that he does on the same level
as a daily beer or glass of wine. He doesn't smoke a huge amount,
and I can't compare it to what your partner smokes, but I don't
find a lot of harm in it, and actually, a fair amount of good. It
helps him relax, and he is less stressed out. He smokes quite
discreetly, and I don't think that my kids have figured out what
it's all about. I don't think I'd have a hard time explaining it
to them either.
The only real problem I have is the expense and the (minor) legal
risks.
anon
Narcotics Annonymous is a great support group for people who
want to stop using drugs. It can be intimidating to join a
support group, especially if you're not sure you need it. I can
only speak for myself and say that my life has become better
than I ever dreamed it could be by quiting drugs and getting the
support I needed. You really can't do anything for your partner
but you can take care of yourself. That is the best example you
can set for your kids. I think you will be surprised at how much
more you can get out of your relationships with your kids and
others when drugs are not a part of your life. I grew up with
parents who smoked pot and I know that kids can tell that their
parents aren't present. There are meetings at various locations
and times to fit your schedule. The number is 444-4673 for more
information. Good Luck!
anonymous
I read other people's responses to this and wanted to add my own
advice and experiences:
My parents were 60's ''hippies'' (my mother had me very young) and still
smoke pot on a daily basis, to this day. So, I grew up around it.
Personally, I didn't find it scary at all. Also, people are affected
differently
by marijuana - some people become extremely paranoid when they
smoke, while others feel relaxed. I NEVER felt that my parents were
emotionally unavailable to me as a result of smoking ''pot.'' Perhaps
other people are affected by it in this way, but my parents were not. Also,
my parents were never ''impaired'' by their smoking, and I was never in
any physical danger.
I do not smoke pot now, and was the only one of my teenage friends
who didn't drink or smoke or do drugs while growing up, and none of
their parents smoked pot or did any drugs. I tried pot, didn't like the
smoke burning my lungs and was disinterested after that.
Secondly, I am mystified by how people can make such a fuss over
people ''medicating'' themselves with pot (which is what many addicts
are doing, and I believe that includes my parents!), but it's somehow
better if they are medicated with anti-depressants instead. I really
believe that the two things are performing the same function, just one
isn't acceptable to ''establishment'' and one is. Frankly, I think many of
the anti-depressants in use now are even more harmful, and more
emotionally dulling, from what I've read.
Finally, I agree that you cannot *get* your husband to stop. He is a
separate person from you, and will do what he wants (and has the right
to do so!). You have the right to choose what you do, including whether
or not to remain in relationship with him, should he choose to continue
smoking marijuana. I recommend that you do NOT try using the *threat*
of leaving to *make him change his ways.* I think you must decide what
you can and cannot live with and then let him know, if you decide that
you cannot remain in relationship with him if he must continue to smoke.
Then leave. Do not make him ''wrong'' or ''bad'' or blame him or accuse
him or ridicule him. Just leave. If you decide that you can live with him
smoking, then don't make a big deal about it, and your children won't
think it's a big deal either. This makes smoking pot it the teen years a lot
less exciting. I think that played a big role in why I didn't drink or smoke
(pot or cigarettes): my parents never *forbade* me, and they didn't make
a big deal about it, so it really wasn't all that interesting to me: it wasn't
forbidden fruit, so there was no excitement in *sneaking,* which I think is
a big part of the allure for kids (besides fitting in with friends, etc.). My 2
-
- uh-- 50 cents!
anon
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