Berkeley Parents Network: Marijuana Use

Berkeley Parents Network

Marijuana Use

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Family Relations > Marijuana Use

Questions

Smoking pot for relaxation & pain, still breastfeeding toddler
Husband's recreational pot smoking stinks
Pot smoking at family gatherings
Brother-in-law sells pot - I don't want him to babysit our child
Pot smoking around baby?
Partner continues to smoke pot - I want him to stop

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Smoking pot for relaxation & pain, still breastfeeding toddler

April 2008

I've been toying with the idea of smoking marijuana for relaxation and pain management. I have a 13 month old daughter, and am still breast-feeding definately mornings and nights. Sometimes during the day, depending on the situation and the environement. My question: how safe, or not, would it be for my child ,if I were to smoke a toke or two, let's say twice a day? Every advice welcomed. Thank you anon

Guilty. My kids (2) are fine. Ages, 2 and 4 1/2. I bf them until over 21 months each. Didn't bf while I was under the influence. Guilty

Medical marijuana is available in California for good reason- it can help with several conditions, including pain management and anxiety reduction (it's the Cannibis indica strains that help with those two, however they also tend to make you sleepy so you might not want to use it during the day). I can't answer your question about the safety with breast feeding, but I can suggest an evaluation clinic in San Francisco called Green Relief Natural Health Clinic, 415-351-1989. I experienced the doctor that I saw there for an evaluation as quite responsible, and am sure that he could answer your questions. Rather than smoking, to avoid lung damage you can purchase and use a vaporizer- not a water pipe or hooka, which only cool the smoke. There are many dispensaries in the area, the one that I like (because it's run very professionally) is Patient's Care Collective on Telegraph Ave. in Berkeley). Anon

Please don't smoke pot while you are breastfeeding. It does get into the baby. THC is fat soluble and can build up in your body if you start using, even once or twice a day. Since breast milk has such high fat content, the marijuana levels in breast milk are high. Studies show that marijuana can be found in the urine of breastfed kids and that kids whose moms smoked while breastfeeding showed delayed development. Not a great way for a baby to start out in life. Please, while you are nursing, find other ways to relax and manage your pain. concerned

Are you kidding?! Bad idea. I certainly wouldn't do it. Kelly

It is totally safe as far as breastfeeding goes. That would not be my concern. You just don't want to smoke so much that you are unable to properly care for your child. Another thing--because it is fat soluble, it can show up in your toddler if you are breastfeeding, which isn't a big deal, but can cause problems with CPS (not saying that you're dealing with them, but it has been an issue for others). Oh, and if you're going to smoke regularly, look into getting a vaporizer--much healthier and no smoke! anon

Nothing against smoking the M (even though I don't) but if you are still breast feeding, there will definitely be THC in your milk. Takes about 3 days (on average) to leave the body completely. Do you really want to subject your toddler to that? And if someone saw you doing this, they may call Child Protective Services. If you have pain challenges, you may want to try another route such as pain management yoga. For relaxation, try yoga breathing and/or meditation. You did not mention what kind of pain, so start with these links:

http://www.yogaprops.net/Merchant2/merchant.mv?Screen=CTGY&Store_Code=yp&Category_Code=6_BNSR

http://artmam.net/Pain_Management-8.htm

http://parents.berkeley.edu/recommend/medical/back.html

http://easternholisticcenter.com/education.htm

I just googled ''Pain management + yoga + berkeley'' you may want to try something similar. You may also want to get a mother's helper so that you can relax, but above all, do not toke while you are breast feeding. Stacy

PLEASE don't do it. I grew up with a mom who would smoke marijuana in her bedroom. It reaked up the house, and I felt ashamed. I, and 3 out of 4 of my siblings, developed serious addictions later in life (including pot which is not a mild drug as people want to make it - it's ruined many lives). Pot is a drug. Yes, the whole issue of medical marijuana and why can folks legally drink and not smoke pot, blah blah blah....You're talking to a long-term pot smoker. Please, don't do it. sister

Marijuana does kill brain cells, and it impairs your fine motor skills. If you don't want to do that to your baby, then either don't smoke or don't breastfeed. Since you don't know how it will affect your baby, who is at an extremely important part of his life in terms of brain development, I absolutely wouldn't take a single toke and still breastfeed. (They are still growing at a phenomenal rate, and you dont' really want to adversely affect their future.)

It makes me apathetic, it makes some people judgemental or paranoid. It may do neither to you, but if it does, do you want that around your baby? Would you smoke a cigarette around your baby? Is pot smoke really that much different? Do you want to tell your baby, when she gets older, what you're doing? How would you feel about it if your baby starts a little early herself (say, at 8 or 9, which is when I started experimenting w/whatever I could get my hands on)?

You may want to look for more long-term, sustainable stress-relief and pain management (which may be interconnected).

If you are saying that you are ''toying'' with the idea, sounds to me like you are already doing it, feel guilty about it and are looking to the liberal BPN community to give you permission to expose your child to drugs. You are already putting in her system even if you are smoking it around her. This would be considered abuse by CPS. Who is watching your child while you are taking your 'toke or two' twice a day? Hopefully not you. While you should be nurturing and protecting your child, you are impairing your own abilities to make solid judgments and debilitating her growth in many ways. You have probably stopped reading this by now, but you were the one who put it out there. I smoked my share of pot years ago when I was single and childless, but I consider it in the same category as exposing my child to any other drug or impurity. If you do smoke, I suggest that you don't physically expose her to your drugs in any way, which means immediately weaning and doing it outside after she's gone to bed at night. anon

It does not seem like a good idea to smoke pot while you breastfeed-it will definitely have an effect on your child, and you don't want to mess around with his/her development. Smoking pot twice a day is also a lot-I'm wondering if you might want to find other ways to cope with stress (bodywork, therapy, massage, exercise). they are finding that pot is much more potent than it used to be, and that while people say they are not addicted, they really are. you also shouldn't expose your child to the smoke. e

Unfortunately its terrible! It is a carcinogen (causes cancer) and is addictive even if inhaled as second hand smoke. Please find another way to take it if you need to - teas, mixed in food. Another thing to consider is if your child will be safe being taken care of by someone under the ''influence''.

Please consider carefully! hope this helps

Have you tried yoga? You may want to...it sounds like it will solve your problems and you won't have to worry about digesting and processing a lot of conflicting information about the long term affects of smoking marijuana around young children. -anon

DON'T SMOKE POT WHILE STILL BREASTFEEDING!! Pot contains psychotropic chemicals (ie THC) which make it fun to smoke as an adult, but could seriously harm or change the brain chemistry of your baby who has a rapidly growing brain. Those chemicals are lipophilic (fat loving) and most certainly will get into your breast milk. Either wean your toddler or go see a doctor about other pain management options.

If you decide to wean your toddler and use pot to manage your pain, remember to not smoke pot around him/her as second hand smoke from pot is still second hand smoke and is a cancer/asthma/SIDs threat to your baby (not to mention a cancer threat to you). anon

Husband's recreational pot smoking stinks

May 2007

My husband is a recreational pot smoker. He smoked before we were married and I was aware of it. The actual smoking doesn't really bother me too much. He does it outside far from the house and he cleans a lot when he is stoned. But I do mind the smell of the smoke. We've had two main conversations about his smoking. One...I insisted that he doesn't ever smoke when he is caring for our kids alone. If I'm not home (even if they are asleep) no smoking. And two...I don't want to smell it on his clothes, his breath, his person. He agreed, after some back and forth, to both.

So the other night, I come out from putting our oldest to bed and go into our bathroom, where my husband is brushing his teeth. And, it smelled horrible. Like he was smoking in the bathroom. It was that strong. I said, ''Dude, that is gross.'' He looked at me funny and walked out. The smell was still there after he left. So I went up to him and said, ''I don't want to have to deal with that smell.'' He looked at me like I was crazy and speaking in some foreign language. He started to rationalize what happened (how he had ''just'' come inside, blah, blah, blah). I said that I didn't ever want to smell it and he said there was some level of smoke that I would ''always smell'' and I needed to just ''deal''. I disagreed and said that I shouldn't have to ever deal with it. I said that I was dealing with him smoking at all, but no, I didn't need to deal with smelling it. We got into a big, icky thing about this. He thinks I should just accept it, and I don't think I should have to.

So my question? What the heck do I do? With very few exceptions (this being one of them), he is an excellent husband and father. But it seems totally unreasonable to me that I should have to smell his smoke. I personnally think he shouldn't smoke at all since it is illegal and gross, but I knew this when I married him, so I accepted that fact. But...do I need to have it shoved in my face??? No smoke please...

I hate to say it, but I think you are over reacting. I'm sure others will write in support of your views, and all of you are entitled to your opinions, but in your specific case, you're not being realistic.

The first line of your letter is "My husband is a recreational pot smoker." You said he "is" one. Currently, as well as in the past. You knew that about him before you married him, and in your words, "I accepted that fact."

I have to agree with him that you should expect a minimal amount of awareness that it exists. By your own account, he had just come in from smoking and was immediately brushing his teeth. Good on him!

I'm not into alcohol, but almost every woman I've ever been with has drunk alcohol around me, and turned into a louder, less considerate version of themselves. Not to mention smelly!

Please put everything into perspective. You said, "With very few exceptions (this being one of them), he is an excellent husband and father." This is the guy's only fault and you're riding him for it? I'm sure you're not the only person on this list who loves almost everything about their spouse, but has to deal with a smell that is less than desirable.

You literally asked, "do I need to have it shoved in my face?" but from what you describe, it sounds like he is considerate of your desire and is trying reasonably hard to minimize your exposure. If you "stick to your guns" and demand that you absolutely never smell it, then for him to do this thing that he does, he'll have to go away from you. Do you really want that?

You are setting up a dangerous dynamic where the only time he experiences pot is when he's away from you, with him possibly feeling excluded, or separate from you emotionally, or shamed. For the sake of your relationship, I think you'll be much happier if you practice accepting all of him, and allow him to feel comfortable around you.

By the way, your thinking that "he shouldn't smoke at all" is kind of like him thinking that you shouldn't like one of the things that you like. It'd be an interesting opinion, but it isn't going to make you stop liking it. And it might leave you feeling judged, or rejected, or angry. I really don't recommend it. Thomas

My husband also smokes pot and I don't like it. But I will always remember something I read once written by a woman whose husband smoked pot. She hated it and forced him to stop...so he started drinking. He became an alcoholic, with far worse consequences than smoking pot, and she has ever since regretted making him stop smoking. If your husband is great in every other way (as mine is), and the pot does good things for his behavior (you said he cleans), then I would say try not to make too big a deal about it. What if he was the kind of guy who took really smelly dumps, and the smell in the bathroom grossed you out every time? That's the attitude I would take - i.e. the smell is something unpleasant, annoying, but temporary. Our society vilifies smoking in general, so it is easy to act like he is a pariah. But he sounds like a good guy except for this one vice, so I would say find some way to not be so annoyed by the smell (it is hard to control the smell of smoking, and smokers are the least able to notice their own smell). I know it is illegal but, honestly, I do think it is far better than alcohol or any other vices a man could have. Wife of pot smoker too

If it is really just the smell that you object to, why not get your husband a ''smoking jacket'' to wear outside while smoking. However it sounds like the issues might be deeper than that. I would say a husband that smokes pot only and then cleans the house is pretty harmless. Sometimes in a marriage it is a good idea to pick your battles and save your ammunition for the stuff that really matters. alexis

Hi there -- I'm sorry that this is an issue, but I wanted to ask: Are you sure that your husband is just a ''recreational pot smoker''? To me, ''recreational'' means that you do it at an occasional party and never in the house when your kids are around. And you certainly don't hide in the bathroom to smoke if your wife is concerned about it. In my limited knowledge of addiction (my dad was a functioning alcoholic), if you choose the substance over family (for example, your wishes not to smell it) then he is heading towards addiction or is addicted. I I hope this helps....

No offense but I think you are lying. It sounds to me like you really resent the fact that he smokes at all. You are trying to control his smoking by controlling the smell.

He is an excellent husband and father. (And you claim this is an exception to that?) He doesn't smoke once the kids are in bed when you are not home and he takes steps to insure that the smell associated with his smoking is as little as possible. And you bust his chops about it and talk about how unreasonable he is?????????? He is absolutely correct when he says that if he smokes he cannot be completely smell free.

The tone of your letter suggests that you believe since you knew he smoked from the beginning that you are not entitled to object now. But the truth is that you do object now whether in your mind you are entitled to or not. Perhaps you have been secretly hoping he would change once you were married with kids. You need to start telling the whole truth (even the contradictory parts). If you continue with this tack you are on I predict that he will come to resent you in a very ugly way. I would strongly recommend that you find a loving, compassionate place within yourself and bring this to your interactions with him around this.

Of course, you also could use this as an opportunity to deepen within yourself. What if you held it as though he wasn't doing anything to you but that instead your reaction was about you? What if you let yourself feel what arises for you around this without any story or making anyone wrong? Try turning your attention away from him and toward your inner self, to the feelings instead of the thoughts? By lashing out at him you are avoiding something juicy for you. anon

My wife was uncomfortable with the smell of smoke. I went and got a vaporizer and it helps immensely. It is also healthier for you than pipe smoking. There is a local company that creates vaporizers, vaporstore.com, and you can buy them at Al's Smoke Shop on Telegraph. pot smoking hubby

Oh boy. Here is my take. Warning: you may not like what I have to say.

I smoke pot almost every evening after work to unwind. I generally do it after my child goes to bed, but I sometimes do it beforehand. I smoke in my home, but always away from my child. My kid is in a great school, and I have a great job. Everything concerning my child is handled by me. If I have something to do with my child or for my child, I do not get stoned. I feel that I have a right to my one vice if I am responsible about using. I know it is illegal and that people die over it since it is illegal. I believe it should be legalized, and I find it benign compared to alcohol.

My husband was like you. He HATED that I smoked pot. He comes from a law enforcement family, so he is completely against it. By the way, his family LOVES me, and one of my in-laws is aware of my habit as are my clean-as-a-whistle parents. I told them because it IS illegal and I didn't want them to be blindsided by the information if anything ever happened to me (like, if I get hit by a bus, I don't want them to be shocked if an autopsy shows that marajuana was in my blood). None of them complain about my filthy little habit anymore because I am the one who handles the important details about our life and our child, and I do a better job than my husband does. After 10 years with me, his views about pot and its effects have changed, and he no longer considers it worth it to complain about my habit. I told him that he could leave if he was not happy with our marraige. I am economically independent, and he is aware that my choosing to be with him is just that: a choice.

If he is not cheating on you or selling all of your belongings to get drugs, and he makes you happy in all other areas, I think you are being selfish, petty and picky, but my opinion doesn't count. Yours does. If this is a deal-breaker for you that you didn't realize would affect your marraige so much, leave him. Smoking marajuana in the United States IS illegal, and if you feel that strongly, you should leave him. He is an adult making a choice, and so are you. If you can't accept it, you shouldn't. If living without him is worth it, then leave him to his pot. If it isn't worth it, then leave him alone and let him smoke in his home with plenty of Lysol behind closed doors away from your children. Anonymous, of course!

Oh this sucks. I was in the same position. Luckily, for me, he pretty much stopped. First he stopped buying it, so he would only have some if a friend gave it to him. Then, it really just started disagreeing with him. Either from being older or just not smoking it much, it started affecting him badly. After a huge fight when he was acting really weird and wouldn't admit that he was on something, the next day he admitted he had smoked pot before coming home from work(!) and said he was going to stop. Of course, a few days after that he did it one more time to assert his independence or something but since then we have not had any problems. So I don't know if you should hope for some big incident or what, but I'm sure you know that nothing good will come of discussing it when he is freshly doped up. If you can (I know it's hard!) don't yell, just be cold and distant and talk about it the next day. I really don't see how with two kids he has enough opportunities to still get high. Maybe your next rule needs to be, No smoking when you are at home with the kids at all--not just when he is alone with them, because that is not fair to you. If everyone is home and he slips away to get high while you put the kids in bed, not only have you done all the work, but you also get to spend the rest of the night with a stoned loser guy.

Also, many of my friends had parents that smoked pot when they were young and hid it to various extents--all of them knew that something weird was going on and did not like it. So you may bring up the fact that he is going to have to quit sooner or later unless he wants to really freak out the kids. It will have to be something for ''special ocassions''-- just like parents who like to drink don't get totally smashed unless it's new years eve and the kids are with a babysitter for the whole night. I know I know pot smokers will say that a joint is like 1 glass of wine but the point is we all have to control our behavior for the common good. anon

You say you accept the pot smoking, that the actual smoking doesn't really bother you ''too much'', but then you say that you don't think he should smoke at all since it's illegal ''and gross'', and it doesn't sound to me like you do accept it at all! It also sounds to me to me like you're looking to the BPN community to make your husband ''wrong'' for doing it at all- I suspect that you'll get plenty of responders willing to do that, so I'm going to speak from another viewpoint.

I think you're being unreasonable- you say, ''what the heck do I do?'', but what the heck do you expect your husband to do? You knew this about him, you like the bennie that he cleans when stoned, but you think that it's possible for you to NEVER smell any at all on him- ? That's impossible, all sorts of smells stay on a person until they have a chance to clean up, whether it's manure from working in the garden or garlic and onions from cooking. His ''rationalizing'' that he just came inside ''blah, blah, blah'' might very well have been the simple fact of the matter- you walked in on him (did you knock?) when he was brushing his teeth and working to get rid of the smell so that you wouldn't have to deal with it! I don't call that ''shoving it in my [your] face''.

Or maybe it WOULD be possible to never smell even the slightest hint if you required him to build his own personal shower in the back yard, set up his own personal clothes hamper outside of the house, and keep a supply of clean clothes outside the house!

Really- it sounds like you are trying to make him succumb to your desire that he not smoke at all by setting up impossible hurdles for him rather than working out a realistic compromise. Being a total pothead who is rendered incapable of being ''an excellent husband and father'' because of drug use is a whole different ball of wax from what you are describing.

This issue is bringing something up for you, and I think that you are so set on being self-righteous and right, that you aren't looking at yourself and where your need to make him wrong is coming where. I wonder if he gave up the pot if you would come up with some other way to make him wrong.

There are sooo many things way worse than being a recreational pot smoker, whether it's legal or not (and there are many good arguments for decriminalizing it- for adults, not for minors). Anon

This one is easy -- get him a vaporizer. They are sold in several head shops on Telegraph Ave. See http://www.vaporbrothers.com/ for details on one particular brand. There is no smoke involved at all -- the THC is vaporized at a high temperature and inhaled. No smoke, no smell. anon

This is an easy one! Have him start baking pot cookies. No more smoke. Anon

Wow. i just read the first responses to your question, and I just wanted to say that I don't agree with those--and even you--who say that you ''knew this when you married him'' so it shouldn't matter now. People grow and change. What didn't bother you at age 25 might really bother you now, and that's okay. It's pretty clear from your message that you need something different now, but feel guilty about that need. Is his ''need'' to smoke pot more important just because it's been the longer pattern? No. You count too. You do need to deal with your own feelings here, and be honest with yourself first. How important is this issue? Can you deal with it in yourself by yourself, or do you need help? Do you think this is something you and your husband can work on,or do you is there a bigger issue lurking? Sounds like it's time for a little soul searching, and realignment as a couple. The happiest marriages aren't between people who never change. They are between people who support each other during the changes that inevitably happen in the course of a lifetime and have learned to grow together. Sounds like you're at a point where you need to see if you can do that. It can be scary, but from your post it also sounds like it's worth it. Thoughts on the other side

It didn't even occur to me to respond to the original post until I started reading the responses, which reminded me of my first marriage. My ex smoked every day, which was fine at first. Then, I started being bothered by the smell, the money spent, etc. After a few years, I realized that it was his way to be emotionally absent from our relationship and his life. I couldn't live like that, but his friends kept telling him that there was nothing wrong with it and that I was being a b#*%@! I was accused of being controlling, when I really just wanted a marriage where the other person was actually ''there''. We divorced, but remained good friends. Coincidentally, his current long-term girlfriend has been battling him over the same thing for years, and he still seems just as willing to lose her instead of the pot, just like he was with me. I wonder if the original poster might be concerned with her husband's need for escape more than the smell but is too afraid to even approach that subject. I don't know how bad this battle is in your home, but counseling to discuss your concerns in a safe place might not be such a bad idea. I do agree with some of the other posters when they pointed out that ''social smokers'' don't smoke every day. Just another angle to explore. Married to Clear-Headed Husband Now

Fascinating responses to the woman who wrote that her husband's pot smoking was a problem for her! Yes, she probably wasn't being honest that the smell was the main thing that bothered her about it; she probably would rather that he not smoke at all.

Whether or not the smell of pot is really the original poster's main problem, or pot should be decriminalized, or that he's a good husband in other respects, or he could buy a vaporizer to reduce the smell, is beside the point. His pot smoking is causing a problem in their marriage.

Apparently doesn't care. He thinks that by smoking outside and brushing his teeth right away, he's doing his bit. That would be fair if we were talking about some really necessary habit or bodily function.

But smoking pot isn't actually a necessity of life. If someone feels compelled to engage in basically superfluous behavior - be it pot or cigarette smoking, alcohol, binge eating, downloading porn, surfing the internet for hours, gambling, shopping for Manolo Blahniks (and yes, I compare them equally because they are all, strictly speaking, unnecessary) - and it is a constant source of conflict in their marriage, and they still refuse to give it up, it's the user who has the problem.

If you need to get even mildly high to unwind, get to sleep or get through the day, you're addicted, no matter in what quantity you use. Her husband needs to address why he is compelled to use in spite of this being a point of contention.

And both he and she need to think ahead to the fact that their kids - unless they are blind, deaf and hard of smelling(!) are going to pick up some pretty poor relationship modeling from this kind of sad stand-off between their parents. Seeing clearly through the smoke

Your arguments with your husband sound like the ones I had with my husband in the beginning (although years before we were married). For years he made it seem like it was me who had the problem. He denied he had an addiction and refused to see how it was affecting our family. He had smoked for 17 years and it had made him extremely emotionally immature and unavailable. And while smoking pot in general doesn't bother me, it wasn't okay for me to live with someone who NEEDED it to function. When he'd tell me ''it's JUST pot'' I'd have to feel strong in ''but I'm not okay with it.'' I hesitated talking to people about our problem because I knew most people would think I was just tripping and that I needed to lighten up - but what they didn't see was how his progressive addiction got to where his smoking, and trying to hide his smoking, was affecting every facet of our family's life. Finally, I'd had enough and I think he realized that losing me and his son was not worth it anymore. Nor was being totally emotionally dependent on a drug to stay calm and functional. He got help and he's been completely sober for 4 years now. It was very tough for him to stop. The difference I see in him as an individual, husband, father, and friend is unbelievable. He talks about it now and admits how much of his time and energy he spent being high, thinking about getting high, thinking of how to hide it from me and others, and planning our days in such a way that he could break away to smoke. He completely validates all of my previous concerns and is so happy that it isn't his lifestyle anymore. He's an addict- he always will be- but he's a recovering addict now and I've never seen him happier.

I tell you all of this because I want you to realize that it isn't always ''just pot'' and it can be a very serious problem. Take your concerns seriously and don't let anyone talk them down if they are really things that bother you. If it really is just the smell, then there isn't that much I can do to help you with that one (although I have heard you can blow out a tube with a dryer sheet on the end of it).

Good luck. not just the smell

Pot smoking at family gatherings

November 2006

I am wondering how people deal with family members who smoke pot. My husband and I do not do any drugs. We have an 8 month old and went to visit his family for Thanksgiving. His parents are tolerant of the brother and sister's marijuana use and while no one smokes marijuana around us or the baby(it is done outside or in the bedroom) the entire house smells like pot. I feel uncomfortable with this situation and so does my husband. We worry about the baby crawling on the floor and ingesting buds or being effected by all the pot smoke. We want to visit family but do not feel we can ask them to babysit or stay at their house as there are usually other potsmokers around. Any feedback? Anon

i am a mom of two and still indulge in pot occasionally. and i have no problem telling anyone NOT to smoke in their house when my children are present. take it outside and wash your hands and face before coming around the kids. also, i clearly ask people when they visit my house or when i visit theirs to make sure any harmful substance is out of children's reach, whether it be pot or the tylenol in my mom's purse. as for babysitting or visiting, do you trust these people's judgement? would they have a problem not smoking while babysitting? talk to them openly about it. rasta mama

In response to the question about pot smoking at family gatherings I think it's totally inappropriate. I do have a cannabis card and I use the marijuana for pain relief. I used to smoke marijuana daily for the past 13 years. I have recently stopped smoking daily but I do smoke occasionaly when I am away from home and my child is not around. I used to smoke outside or in the garage and no matter how much you wash your hands, face or brush your teeth the smell is still going to linger. I just think it's wrong to expose children to drugs...and yes marijuana is a drug...no matter what most users believe. Kids are very smart these days and the DARE program is still in effect in schools. I think it's very selfish to smoke when children are around. Just my opinion:) anon

Brother-in-law sells pot - I don't want him to babysit our child

June 2006

For the last 10 years or so, my 37 year old brother in law has sold pot as a main source of income. He is currently married and living with my in-laws who do not know that he sells pot. While I do not have any problem with the use of pot, I have had issues with my BIL's involvement with pot and this has caused tensions b/w my husband and I. After our 2 year old was born, I insisted that my BIL not use our home as a place to meet mutual friends to do deals with. Begrudgingly, my husband ceded to this request. My husband and I had some fierce arguments when I advocated that my husband tell his brother that if he was going to live with their parents, that he not sell pot anymore. I was concerned that my BIL was unfairly invovling my in-laws and putting them (and their home) at risk. My husband refused and said it was not my business. Recently, my BIL was arrested in Marin b/c he sold pot 4 times to an undercover officer. My BIL had been making connections on craigs list and got caught (big surprise). He was just arraigned on 5 felony charges. He believes he may get out of (which I hightly doubt) and if he does, indicated to my husband he will continue to sell. In my opinion, my BIL has made (and continues to make) some horrible judgment calls and has been reckless in how those judgment calls impact others. As such, when it recently came up, I told my husband that I did not feel comfortable having the BIL babysit our daughter. While my BIL is great with kids (he teaches at pre-schools) and my daughter loves him, given his poor decisions and recent legal troubles, I do not feel it is appropriate to leave our daughter in his care. My husband is outraged that I am taking this position. Am I off base in not allowing my BIL to babysit our daughter? If I am not off base, any assistance in further articulating to my husband why this is not ok would be appreciated.

Your BIL may be good with kids as a preschool instructor (woah, which preschool?)but he has shown that he is not considerate of others in that he DID really jeopardize his parents and their home by selling out of the house. No decent preschool will hire him with his record, which should be a hint. And geez, is your husband really OK with him selling out of your house (even to ''friends'')? Leaving aside all questions of whether our current marijuana laws are reasonable (I think that they are not), it is a fact that recreational marijuana use and especially sale for recreational use is ILLEGAL and, as you have seen, can lead to tremendous problems for everyone even peripherally involved. If your BIL were sitting for your daughter and your BIL sold to an undercover agent (again) this time out of your house and was arrested, was would happen to her? What kind of impression would she have if she were to see her beloved uncle cuffed and led away? Your husband's tolerance of this is difficult for me to comprehend. It sounds as if his brother is a ''nice guy'' in terms of being likeable, but a destructive guy in terms of being selfish. I hope you get a lot of wake-up calls to pass on no longer a user

I wouldn't leave my child in this person's care no matter what. He clearly has no judgment at all, and what if he were to be arrested, or do his drug transactions (and what if one went ''bad''???) when caring for your child??? I hope you stand up to your husband, for your child's safety's sake. This BIL of yours is just a big bag o' trouble, and your husband can't be serious. Anon

You are doing the right thing and if your husband thinks you are being bossy or unfair or sticking your nose where it supposedly doesn't belong INSTEAD of worrying about the safety of your child, then that's grounds for separation. I've been in the same place. A close family member did the same thing- sold pot. He somehow ended upside down financially and guess what? Two guys went to our parents' home while a 6 year old relative was sittng with him and they brandished guns with the intent to use them if very specific arrangements weren't made. Now, money and ending up on top is always more important than human integrity and loss of life in the business. Last year a home (not in the same area of town, but scary none the less) was invaded because of pot- not coke, not meth, just pot and an 11 year old girl was shot. That's extreme, but people always minimize pot. I'm not against other people smoking it either, but where there's $$ for pot, there's more $$ for coke, etc. Besides, do you want creepy people around your daughter? What if your BIL goes into another room for just a moment and your child is molested or flashed or grabbed, etc, just for kicks by someone buying or dealing?

They could be the most ''normal'' looking person, but it happens. That's sick and if your hubby is enough of a bull headed guy- so much so- that he risks the safety of his own family, then he is not worth it and you should really consider laying down the choices he's got. Besides, if he's defending your BIL so adamantly, are you sure he isn't dealing too? Just speaking from a very similar experience Anon Mom

As someone who has spent tons of time around drug dealers, the big negative here seems to be that your BIL is dealing to people he doesn't know. The possibilities for something bad happening -- getting ripped off (violence), getting busted (people with guns). Should these things happen with your child around, the consequences could be very bad. Also, your child will know what's going on at a pretty young age, and it will be hard for you to be sure what that is. Is it ok for you for your child to know about drugs and drug dealing (mine does). Have you watched ''Weeds''? It's pretty realistic. Drug dealing is not a particularly safe occupation, particularly if you're not careful. Selling on Craigslist is not careful. knows a few drug dealers

It would be a very bad idea to let your brother-in-law to have any responsibility for/access to your kids. Doing deals in your house? Arranging hook ups on craigslist? Come on. That's incredibly irresponsible. As someone who in their earlier years walked on the wild side- and who did inhale- I tell you this if nothing else- you do not want some of his customers, or his suppliers knowing where he lives or hangs out. I have some friends/ fellow parents who are weekend uses, and I don't worry about them as parents any more than I worry about people who ''drink responsibly'' on ''social occasions'' (personally I think pot should be decriminalized)- but dealing for a living? Involving family? Works at a preschool? Sheesh, does he deal from there, too? Also are you sure he's dealing only weed? Don't be surprised if he's dealing meth too. Short story: It's much better to be perceived as unhip and have your family and family home, safe and sound. Your BIL does not sound like the kindly uncle who smokes a little dope now and then when the kids aren't around, he is someone who has a real problem and isn't too bright. Don't take chances. Keep him away from the kids. 420 Friendly but no fool

I think pot should be legal- even with that said- I don't think it should be anywhere near children. I don't think you are off base- I think your husband is and you two may need a mediator to really sort through this issue. It should like your BIL has poor judgement- a trait that you don't really want when it comes to someone taking care of your child. My husband and I recently disagreed on a subject concerning family and we are now going to sort it through with a counselor- we differ so much that i think it could damage our relationship to keep arguing about it. Good luck to you Anon

You are MORE than right on this one & your daughter's well being depends on you. Always go with your gut feeling as a parent. Your BIL shows extremely poor judgement. He should NEVER EVER EVER be left alone with your child. He could very well put her in serious danger. Do you really think that if he arranges a deal & he happens to be caring for your daughter at the time, that he'd call if off? Yeah right! And I shouldn't have to tell you that not all pot buyers are non-violent medical users, aging hippies, or college tokers. What if a buyer showed up while your BIL was sitting & the deal ''went bad''? Please try & help your huband understand that your daughter's well-being is the priority in your lives & being in your BIL's care is simply an avoidable tragedy waiting to happen. Why risk it? Before becoming a stay-at-home mom, I worked in law enforcement for over 15 years, many of which were spent working narcotics cases & seizing homes used to sell drugs. While it is not as simple ''as doing deals at a home will get the home seized'', you're absolutely right about the potential risk. Don't let your husband guilt you into doing something that you know in your heart isn't absolutley in the BEST interest of your daughter. Please take care & stand your ground on this one. Best of luck to you Mom & Ex-Law Enforcement

I'd be really uncomfortable with what you're talking about. If your brother-in-law really was arrested for selling pot, I'd be very surprised if he's able to keep his job as a nursery school teacher. Maybe that will force the crisis in which he sees that he really needs to deal with his problem. And maybe your husband needs will also recognize that it is a problem. It can't be easy for you, but I say stick to your gut feeling and stand by your kid. If it's important for family reasons, she can still see him when you're around. But it's terribly irresponsible behavior and I'd not want to leave my child alone with a drug dealer either anon

Having worked in the criminal justice system for a long time, I think your concerns about having an active drug dealer involved in your life are well placed. Although many of us may think that selling marijuana is not that big of a deal, under the law it is a very serious offense, particularly if it is charged as a federal offense. The liabilities for your entire family are very serious if the government chooses to involve you in the scope of the investigation, or feels that by pressuring you they may be able to gain some advanatage in the prosecution of your family member or others. At a minimuim, if he is prosecuted federally the house that he is using for his dealing would likely be forfeited.

Drug prosecutions are very serious and ugly - I doubt however much he is making is worth the years of his life and heartache to his family that a prosecution would bring cautious

I'll keep this short and sweet. Your maternal instincts are spot on. You may say, ''oh, it's only pot'' but bottom line, your brother-in-law is drug dealer and perhaps a soon to be convicted felon, and I feel sorry for the parents that are sending their kids to his preschool. You have to ask yourself, ''Would I leave my child with a drug dealer and convicted felon?'' The answer, of course, is no and your husband is in la la land. Don't back down.

The in-law question is tougher, and it's not your place to get involved - but your husband is wrong to exposure your parents to this type of danger - legally and physically Put your child first

I say go with your gut and tell your husband you do not trust your BIL's judgement and you do not want him babysitting your children. Period. This may cause problems with your husband, but don't compromise your child's safety and stick to your guns. Good luck Anon

All my experience as a teacher, parent, and a volunteer in law enforcement, including contact with people who sell drugs tells me that you are the responsible member of the family (in a positive way!). It is entirely reasonable that this man NOT sit your child. I would not have any more involvement with him than possible. I would also alert the parents he is living with to his behavior if they don't know by now. He is putting them at risk as well. These kinds of people drag everyone around them into the morass. People who don't agree with you on this one need a reality check. kathryn

Considering your statement that your BIL makes poor decisions such as selling to undercover officers and doing drug deals at family members' homes (including yours), I don't think you should allow him to care for your daughter. It sounds like your husband has a lot trust that his brother will not involve your daughter in his illegal dealings but can your husband GUARANTEE that it won't affect her? What if he gets arrested while she's present? Would your husband really want her to witness that? What about the people he deals to? They could be perfectly pleasant, upstanding citizens but there's a good chance that some of his customers are not so savory. There are plenty more what-ifs in this situation and it just doesn't seem worth the risk ASP

I agree with you completely. I'm not anti pot at all, but selling pot is a whole other thing than smoking it recreationally. Just practically speaking, it's not clear how your brother in law will resolve his legal problems. Marin County is VERY law enforcement oriented, and it is likely that he will be placed on felony probation after some jail time. If he violates his probation, ie gets caught again, he will most likely be sent to state prison, in short order. They do not mess around in Marin when it comes to this stuff. (Even in Alameda County people very frequently go to state prison under this same scenario). Hopefully after your brother in law speaks to an attorney he will have a more realistic idea of what he is facing.

You do not want your children involved with someone who got arrested and then says he intends to keep on selling. A few years ago the NYT covered a very sad story -- an actresss was selling pot to make ends meet, and she and her friends were shot by some buyers who decided to rob them. People who sell even pot are exposing themselves to a world where people carry guns, will do anything for a fast buck, etc. I guess it's possible that some sellers ONLY sell to people they know, but hey, he got caught selling to a police officer, so he obviously isn't in that category. NOt to be too blunt about this, but I think that your husband is in a bit of denial anonymous

There's a difference between somebody who smokes pot from time to time and someone whose income is based on selling it. I'm not really opposed to pot, but it's an illegal substance, and you can lose your property if dealing is taking place on your (or your MIL's) property. I wouldn't allow him to babysit my kid. Supervised visits, ok. Babysitting, not worth it. Even if he's no longer dealing at your house

I have a similar issue, only my kids are older teens now, so let me tell you what you've got to look forward to. My brother's main source of income is from selling pot. He lives a few hours away, and when he visits, he likes to do a little business at the same time to make the trip worthwhile. In fact, he's told me that he doesn't consider it worth the gas and trouble to come to the Bay Area for a visit unless he can make a sale at the same time. The last time he came to visit, I learned later, his main deal fell through, he had a large amount of unsold pot, so he tried to sell it to my 18-year-old teen son and some of his (under 18) friends. At my house, while I was busy in the kitchen making Thanksgiving dinner. My son told me about this later. When the teens declined, my brother held open a bag and invited them to help themselves. My brother didn't see anything wrong with this and was surprised that I was angry with him. He gave me a lecture about being too uptight. My brother knows that I was smoking pot years before he was, though I don't smoke anymore. I actually do not have a problem with my older teens smoking pot, but I am not going to be the mom who is supplying her kids' friends with marijuana. And the idea of my brother trying to make money off my kids and their friends just infuriates me. My brother does not have kids, so he just doesn't get it, and probably never will. After so many years of pot smoking, he doesn't appear to have any brains left either.
I think you are smart to lay the ground rules now.

You are not off-base! Your husband is in denial about his brother and so are his parents. Your husband does not seem to acknowledge the difference between personal pot smoking and selling pot as a main source of income. By law, that makes his brother a drug dealer. Is that cool? Where does he draw the line? Would he also cover if his brother murdered someone? What does that say about your husband's values? I don't know if it is your role to hold the mirror up to this family, but I know what I would do. The brother in law would not baby-sit my kid nor be allowed to teach as a preschool teacher ''on the side.'' (Yes, I'd blow whistle on that one - it's not as if you take his primary source of income! He'll find his way back into the pot market or finally into prison). His parents will be shocked and your husband probably won't forgive you for not following the denial path. But you clearly have a clash in fundamental values with your husband and that is serious. Do you want your daughter to become part of that denial structure too? Time for consequences. Be ready to strike out on your own with your daughter and see if your husband can follow your path and take responsibility of his role as a bystander Anonymous

Pot smoking around baby?

March 2004

My sister just had a baby, and her partner regularly smokes pot. How bad is second hand pot smoke for an infant to be around? I have looked in the Parent's Network archives, but didn't find an exact answer to my question. Please send along any information/advice! Thank you.

No second hand smoke is good for babies. The father must stop smoking immediately to protect his child or move it outside the house.
no smoke around my babies please!

According to Marian Diamond in ''Magic Trees of the Mind,'' pregnant women exposed to passive pot smoke 3 times per week in a closed room tended to have babies with problems such as more distress after birth, lower birthweight, disturbed sleep cycles, and more likely to be high-strung and cranky. Presumably if passive pot smoke can cause this kind of problems in pregnant women, it isn't very good for babies and children either. Karen

Partner continues to smoke pot - I want him to stop

June 2003

Here is something I have been struggling with since my partner and I had kids (over 9 years!). We have been together since our very early twenties and are now in our early forties. We have since those early days of our relationship enjoyed smoking pot on a daily or nearly daily basis. When I became pregnant with my first child, I stopped smoking pot. After the birth of my first kid, I started smoking it again--and didn't really feel like it was much of an issue until after kid number two (when I found out I was pregnant with #2 I stopped during my pregnancy and started again when #2 was born).

I have long been the kind of person that doesn't crave pot, but smoked because (a) I enjoyed it and (b) it was available. I also suspect that I have smoked pot because my partner did, and it became a habit that we shared. Since becoming a parent to two kids, my sense of responsibility for my behavior has increased. I don't want to be stoned while I am caring for my kids, for fear that something could happen that I didn't respond to appropriately because my judgment was impared. In addition, I have realized that I don't like to be stoned like I used to (though once every other other week or so is still ''fun''), and that I can stop without any problem. In fact, I have expressed to my partner several times since becoming a parent, that I think the habit should cease, with both of us. He gets very defensive about it, says he enjoys it and that it doesn't hurt anyone. I disagree that it doesn't hurt anyone--it hurts me that I ask him to stop, but he doesn't (I don't help if I continue to partake--even if much less frequently that him). It hurts my kids in that their parents are engaging in a behavior that is not healty. I am concerned about my kids learning what that smell is that they have said on occasion smells like skunk.

My partner has on and off complied with my request that he smoke less habitually -- he can go a week or so, but then always reverts to the daily or near daily habit. I want to be a good role model for my children--and I want him to be one too- -how can you ask a child to do as you say, but not as you do? I feel like I am complicit in his habit by continuing to smoke myself, but I am ready to stop --and I really want him to stop. I just don't know how to help him do it. By the way, he stopped smoking cigarettes almost a year ago (on my pleas) but now is addicted to nicotine gum!

I have become a much more health concious person since having kids--I work out, I eat healthily, and I try to take care of myself. I want for my partner to do the same, but know that I can't force him. I think that he has various problems (adequacy (i have been the stronger wage earner for many years, abandonment by his father) that he needs to address that he avoids by smoking pot. The fact that he continues to smoke pot despite my many requests that he/we stop is damaging my esteem for him. How can I help him (and us)?

Needs to find a solution

Maybe your partner is depressed. My husband has similar ''addictive'' qualities. He stopped smoking several times around the birth of our child, and now he's been smoke free for over two years (cold turkey - never with nicotine supplements). He also has used pot a lot when it was available to him, and admits it was an escape, but he ''could quit any time''. Finally, he DID run out, the connection to get it was severed, and he realized how much it was costing him a month - and that was that - he ''quit''. While he admits to craving it often, he has been on a better path since he started anti-depressents. The anger and anxiety that the pot used to soothe, are no longer as prevelant. He is in general more easy going and pursues things that he loves with the ''addictive'' quality he once pursued smoking.

I am not a user and never have been, so I always readily admit to him that I don't really know what it's like, and he has assured me repeatedly that when he's high he's no danger to us or himself and I shouldn't make a big deal about him being high around our child. Indeed, he seems very much in control (and giddy!) when he's high, but never dangerous or foolish. But again, he was using a lot when there was a lot of turmoil in our lives and he was spending time with a friend who always made it available. That friend is not part of his life since he realized having him always led to wanting the other.

I agree that you both should try to set a good example. But pot's a vice, just like smoking and drink. I never asked him to quit smoking pot or cigarettes, but championed his efforts when he decided to quit on his own. I believe it's really the user's decision, and nagging him is not the answer.

Hope this helps. Good Luck! pot partner

A couple of suggestions.

First of all, as you know, you have to stop smoking pot yourself. If the ''do as I say, not as I do'' logic won't work with your kids, it certainly won't work with your partner. So stop it. From now on, no more pot period.

Secondly, try to find other things to do instead of smoking. Busy him with pleasurable activities so that the moment for smoking passes. anon

Perhaps as an incentive to your partner, you can point out that the children will not respect him or his authority when they realize he is stoned a significant percentage of the time they are with him.

My parents smoked pot at least once a week, and usually much more, throughout my childhood. I understood at a very early age (5?) that the skunky smell meant that my parents would be in a complacent mood and used it to my advantage a lot.

I don't remember the age when I realized that what they were doing was illegal, but it was before age 10, and with a young child's understanding of the law, I was confused and hurt that they would do something that could result in them going to jail and abandoning me.

And as a teen, their attempts at setting boundaries to my behavior were met with sarcastic derision and complete disobediance. Why would I respect their rules when they didn't respect the law? Why should I respect the law if they didn't?

I didn't turn into a huge druggie, but I did experiment a lot, and with many stronger things than pot and other types of risky behavior. I was lucky and didn't suffer any (noticeable) consequences of some very stupid decisions.

But I still have difficulty respecting my parents. Of course there are other issues other than the pot smoking, but they continue to think that their use (still frequent, although I think it has tapered off) is and was not a big deal. I've tried to explain to them my early anxieties that the cops would come and take them away and they refuse to accept it was a valid fear.

And when, later, I realized that had something happened to me while they were stoned, they wouldn't have been able to react quickly and clearheadedly to care for me, my anger was intense.

You may not think it is a big deal, and your partner certainly doesn't, but your children may. (Not saying that every kid will experience what I did, but the risk that they might should deter you both, if nothing else does.)

You are parents now, you need to put the needs of your children before your own ''fun.'' Being stoned is hardly terrible behavior, but it is not responsible, either.
Child of Stoners

I have strong opinions on this issue, based on both personal and professional experience. Personal first. My husband and I used to smoke pot frequently in our 20s. I quit about 10 years ago, for a variety of reasons. He kept using, daily or almost daily. It became a HUGE issue, as after I quit I began to notice what a profound effect it had had on me, and still had on him (and us). He was emotionally absent, often anxious, self-centered, and immature (yes, he has good qualities too!) Months and years of arguing, cajoling, trying to ignore it, etc. followed, and finally I decided I simply couldn't take it anymore and made him move out. Well that same month I found out I was pregnant. After much soul searching he entered an outpatient treatment program for marijuana addiction. It's now three years later and he is clean, goes to Marijuana Anonymous meetings, and has also gone through incredible growth as a person. We are both so happy that things ended as they did.

I am also a mental health professional. In that capacity I have seen many, many people addicted to pot. Yes, it is addictive. It's effects are more subtle than those of other drugs, but believe me, it can really stunt a person's emotional capacities and growth. I really think it is one of the most underrecognized addictions out there.

So, what can you do? Start with yourself. Check out the MA website, and go to a few meetings. Educate yourself about the effects of long-term marijuana use on you and your kids. The heartbreaking part is that you can't make your partner stop. You can talk with him, and share your experience, and see what happens. Good luck. anon, please

Many people believe that smoking pot is a victimless crime. They often say things like, ''I'm not hurting anyone'' or I'm not hurting anyone but myself.'' Unfortunately, the daily use of pot injures relationships, wears on one's self-esteem, costs money which takes from the family and maybe the most difficult of all dulls the person's emotions to the point where they are unavailable.

Also, If someone is smoking pot daily, makes promises to quit and doesn't or promises to ''cut back'' but ends up right back where they started hints at addiction. I know this is probably not what one wants to hear. However, addiction isn't about the substance, the amount one uses, or the lifestyle one leads - it's about one's inability to stop using, increased use (or maintenance use), continued use in spite of negative consequences and psychological dependence or physical dependence. When one uses to avoid working through issues in one's life, e.g. abandonment by father, inadequacy, etc. the use of the drug becomes the way to cope with emotions and makes one unavailable to those they love and who love them. Pot is one of the best drugs for dulling ones senses and emotions.

It actually seems that you have a choice. Leave your partner alone to smoke pot daily and not be available to you or your children and ask yourself why you want to be with someone emotionally unavailable who prefers smoking pot to you or your feelings, continue to demand that he stop (which isn't working), or get help for yourself and figure out what you want to do.

The advise you want is probably how do I get him to stop smoking pot every day. The answer is you can't. He will do what he wants. I doubt he can do anything else (if what you say is true), but you can do something about you.

Sorry, probably not what you want to hear. meddling old fool

You are in a hard situation. I wanted to respond, not because I have the best answer for you, but I wanted to give you some perspective on what it can be like for children growing up in a house where there is drug use. My father continues to smoke pot daily, and smoked pot throughout my childhood. When I put all of the pieces together I was nine and I was terrified. I had learned in school that drugs were BAD and to know that my father did drugs was scary. I think that realization created a fear that forever altered my relationship with him.

By the time I was 12, however, I was smoking pot. The first pot I smoked I stole from my father and I smoked pot throughout my high school years, occassionally even smoking with him. It was considered an ok thing to do in my household. I believe it stunted my growth and I definitely used it as a means to escape during the gray days of highschool. In looking back at that time I get upset with my parents for not considering my health and try to provide some parental structure and guidelines about its use. But it's hard to say ''you can't eat any icecream,'' when you are licking an icecream cone.

I continued to smoke pot until I got pregnant, and haven't since. I, like you, do not think it is necessarily a bad thing. But like any ''altering'' substance, if you use it as an escape or are addicted to it then that addiction significantly affects the people around you. My father is somewhat unbearable to be around if he is not high. This hasn't always been the case, it has definitely gotten worst as he got older and more addicted. This happens slowly, so I think you are very wise to pick up on what seems like ok behavior maybe leading in the wrong direction.

I would advise you seek help for you partner for your sake and your children's. I know my friend sent her husband to a program similar to AA -- but for pot smokers and he was able to quit and stay off pot. She lives down in LA, but I imagine there are similar programs here. Perhaps some people will suggest them to you. She said it was very hard for him to accept the fact that he had a problem, but they are both much happier now. Sounds like you would be too.

Good luck. anon

My partner also smokes pot on a nearly daily basis. I guess I think of the kind of pot smoking that he does on the same level as a daily beer or glass of wine. He doesn't smoke a huge amount, and I can't compare it to what your partner smokes, but I don't find a lot of harm in it, and actually, a fair amount of good. It helps him relax, and he is less stressed out. He smokes quite discreetly, and I don't think that my kids have figured out what it's all about. I don't think I'd have a hard time explaining it to them either.

The only real problem I have is the expense and the (minor) legal risks. anon

Narcotics Annonymous is a great support group for people who want to stop using drugs. It can be intimidating to join a support group, especially if you're not sure you need it. I can only speak for myself and say that my life has become better than I ever dreamed it could be by quiting drugs and getting the support I needed. You really can't do anything for your partner but you can take care of yourself. That is the best example you can set for your kids. I think you will be surprised at how much more you can get out of your relationships with your kids and others when drugs are not a part of your life. I grew up with parents who smoked pot and I know that kids can tell that their parents aren't present. There are meetings at various locations and times to fit your schedule. The number is 444-4673 for more information. Good Luck! anonymous

I read other people's responses to this and wanted to add my own advice and experiences:

My parents were 60's ''hippies'' (my mother had me very young) and still smoke pot on a daily basis, to this day. So, I grew up around it. Personally, I didn't find it scary at all. Also, people are affected differently by marijuana - some people become extremely paranoid when they smoke, while others feel relaxed. I NEVER felt that my parents were emotionally unavailable to me as a result of smoking ''pot.'' Perhaps other people are affected by it in this way, but my parents were not. Also, my parents were never ''impaired'' by their smoking, and I was never in any physical danger.

I do not smoke pot now, and was the only one of my teenage friends who didn't drink or smoke or do drugs while growing up, and none of their parents smoked pot or did any drugs. I tried pot, didn't like the smoke burning my lungs and was disinterested after that.

Secondly, I am mystified by how people can make such a fuss over people ''medicating'' themselves with pot (which is what many addicts are doing, and I believe that includes my parents!), but it's somehow better if they are medicated with anti-depressants instead. I really believe that the two things are performing the same function, just one isn't acceptable to ''establishment'' and one is. Frankly, I think many of the anti-depressants in use now are even more harmful, and more emotionally dulling, from what I've read.

Finally, I agree that you cannot *get* your husband to stop. He is a separate person from you, and will do what he wants (and has the right to do so!). You have the right to choose what you do, including whether or not to remain in relationship with him, should he choose to continue smoking marijuana. I recommend that you do NOT try using the *threat* of leaving to *make him change his ways.* I think you must decide what you can and cannot live with and then let him know, if you decide that you cannot remain in relationship with him if he must continue to smoke. Then leave. Do not make him ''wrong'' or ''bad'' or blame him or accuse him or ridicule him. Just leave. If you decide that you can live with him smoking, then don't make a big deal about it, and your children won't think it's a big deal either. This makes smoking pot it the teen years a lot less exciting. I think that played a big role in why I didn't drink or smoke (pot or cigarettes): my parents never *forbade* me, and they didn't make a big deal about it, so it really wasn't all that interesting to me: it wasn't forbidden fruit, so there was no excitement in *sneaking,* which I think is a big part of the allure for kids (besides fitting in with friends, etc.). My 2 - - uh-- 50 cents! anon

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