Pornography and Family Members
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Pornography and Family Members
Oct 2004
About 5 years ago, after the birth of our daughter, my husband emotionally
withdrew from our marriage, refusing to come to bed, instead staying up nights
logging on to internet porn and once he secretly videotaped our neighbor while she
was undressing. He went to therapy, briefly, admitted being addicted to porn and
said therapy helped and he was able to ''handle'' it. I believed him. I told him it
wasn’t the porn that bothered me, but it was the type (peeping tom type / teenage
girls) that I found degrading and that if he were to do it again, I would leave him.
Fast-forward 5 years. Just last week I stumbled onto a disk which contained 300
porn downloads of teenage girls (practically daily downloads since June 1—some
during the workday and others in the evening. He is a consultant that works from
home). Also on our Tivo, I found 30 porn flicks that he has recorded since June.
(Most of the films were deleted, but Tivo keeps record of what is recorded and
deleted.) Although I am not totally adverse to porn, I do find these images
disturbing and degrading. Last week when I found the most recent pictures, I
confronted him and he said he messed up and he would go back to therapy, which
he is. I know porn is based on fantasy and not “real life” and we have a pretty active
and spicy sex life. For all other accounts he is a good father and husband, but I
simply don’t trust him anymore and the thought of sex with him is sickening (it just
brings up images of him downloading pictures of teenage girls).
Needing sound advice
Your letter struck a chord with me. When my husband and I were
engaged I found out he had been secretly looking at porn pretty
much every night and on the weekends when I would go running,
etc. I was devastated and considered calling off the wedding.
Luckily my best friend and old therapist were incredibly
supportive and reassured me that porn is MUCH more normal than I
thought so I started to feel a bit better about that part. TO
me, although it wasn't teenagers, it was pretty graphic and I
felt disgusting. Also my husband, like yours, admitted it was a
problem and saw a therapist for several months and we went to
couples counseling. The biggest issue for me beyond my disgust
was my lack of trust since there were several cover-ups involved
so that I wouldn't find out. The couples therapy gave us so
much more than just dealing with this issue. Also my husband
started being more honest with me about how much he was looking
and when. It definitely goes up during stressful times. for
the most part I never ask now and assume that he doesn't do much
but I could be wrong. I think just having it be something we
could possibly discuss meant a lot to me. I recommend the
couples counseling route for just getting things out in the
open.
Funny enough, now is a very stressful time for me and I have
developed an internet hobby (not porn) as well. My husband has
objected a bit but allows is although he says it reminds him of
himself searching for porn on the internet. It has given me a
new understanding of how people use the internet to ''tune out''
and take a break from stressful life situations. I think a lot
of internet porn for men is a way to tune out and a release and
is a bit less about the graphic imagery than just imagining
another life. perhaps for your husband it was the carefree days
of teenage years when the girls he liked were teenagers too. I
definitely think it is worth understanding what he ''gets'' from
it before worrying specifically about that part of it.
I know it is hard though but if it is a good marriage it is
worth investing in the therapy and time to understand each other
and each others' flaws better.
Just my 2 cents
Hello,
I was once in a similar situation as you, and married for about
the same length of time. I remain married, and it feels great
to be able to say I am happily married. It took (and takes) a
lot of hard work, both my husband's and mine. We loved each
other very much, and we both wanted to save our marriage. For
two years, my husband went to individual therapy, and we went
to couple's therapy. It took a lot of time, money (for therapy
and dates), and a huge commitment from both of us, especially
from my husband. It took several attempts before we found the
right couples therapist for us. It was important for us to
find a male couples therapist (my husband wanted a male, he
didnŐt want to feel judged by a woman) who did not appear
biased towards or against pornography. We were surprised at
our first attempt with a couples therapist who told us my
husbandŐs use of pornography was normal, and that I (as a
woman) needed to get over it. This approach did not work for
our us, as we both felt that change was important for my
husband and to our marriage, and we needed support and to a
means to understand and resolve the underlying issues that the
pornography might have been a symptom of. We found a great
male therapist in SF, and we worked with him for about two
years (we only went once every other week or once a month
during the second year). A side benefit of therapy was that my
husbandŐs commitment to it helped me see his commitment to our
marriage. One bonus of couples' therapy was also that we had
it in SF in the late afternoon, and (almost always) after
therapy, we awarded ourselves with a special date. I think
that the weekly dates brought us closer, even if we felt
challenged or separate during our hour of therapy, we
endeavored to have (and were successful at having) a good time
together. We often think back fondly of our SF date nights.
With children, it is difficult to make time for marriage
therapy, but the entire family benefits in the long run, and
the investment was invaluable to us. Good luck!
ps: Richard Bush is a wonderful couples therapist in Berkeley.
once wearing similar shoes
I understand your problem. I discovered that my husband had a
porn addiction problem about three and a half years ago. I was
devastated and reluctant to have sex with him after seeing what
he had been downloading. My husband went to an SAA meeting once,
and felt good about it, but then he decided that he would feel
more comfortable with one on one therapy. The therapist met with
him alone every other week for about a year, and with us both on
the alternate weeks. We continued with individual and couples
therapy for two years, and then, with the agreement of our
therapist, stopped attending. It still bugs me sometimes if I
think about what I saw, but not as often. trust is harder... I
worry sooner when he is moody, withdrawn, or working late hours.
Since therapy we are able to discuss those feelings when they
come up. The main things we got from therapy were:
1) An understanding that this can be an addiction, just like any
other... including the need to cut porn out of his life
completely.
2) There is an underlying root problem that causes this
behavior. Maybe it is shame, poor self-esteem, abuse, etc. My
husband was only able to realize his particular root cause and
talk about it after 6 months or more of therapy.
3) New ways of dealing with/coping with the problem have to be
learned.
4) Better ways of communicating our needs, feelings, etc. with
each other.
At this point I feel that it has been a successful recovery for
my husband. The therapist felt pretty strongly that my husband
was not at high risk for relapse... I don't think I would have
been willing to stop therapy without that kind of reassurance. I
don't really know what I would do at this point if he did
relapse. I felt that giving therapy a chance was the right thing
to do at the time... but I don't know if I could trust it again.
I know that my husband thinks he will loose his family, and that
is a pretty strong motivator to stay away.
I've been there...
I would strongly recommend that your husband be evaluated, and
receive treatment if needed, by a specialist called a sex-
specific therapist.
The fact that your husband has a history of voyeurism (the
peeping tom behavior) is concerning. Voyeurism is a paraphilia,
which is one of a class of disorders recognized by the American
Psychiatric Association as a sexual disorder. Other paraphilias
include fetishism, exhibitionism, and pedophilia. Sex-specific
therapists are highly trained to evaluate and treat people with
paraphilias.
Because people with one paraphilia often also have other,
related paraphilias, it is important that people who have one or
might have one, receive evaluations from these specialists so
that effective help can be provided as needed.
I don't know what type of evaluation or treatment your husband
recieved in the past, but if it was dynamically oriented therapy
(talk therapy) with a general therapist, it is unlikely that
this problem was truly succesfully resolved. Dynamically
oriented therapy is not very effective with paraphilias.
My organization's website has additional information about sex-
specific therapists and a referral list of several in the Bay
Area and well as many across the country. You can access this
at:
http://www.childmolestationprevention.org/pages/resources.html
I would also recommend a program called Sharper Future that has
several offices around the Bay Area. Their main number in San
Francisco is 415-397-6622. They could provide an evaluation for
your husband and determine if he needs further treatment for
this problem as well as the other issues you raise.
I also think an evaluation by a sex specific therapist is in
order because the behaviors you describe, while alarming or
upsetting enough on their own, are also simply the ones that you
are aware of or have been discovered, thus far. It is possible
that there are more issues going on with him and through an
evaluation, a sex-specific therapist will be able to determine
this and then also provide any treatment that is needed.
If you have additional questions about this, please feel free to
contact me at wgabriel at cmrpi.org or to call me at 510-530-7980.
Whitney Gabriel
Child Molestation Research & Prevention Institute
www.childmolestationprevention.org
Whitney Gabriel
I feel sad that you have to deal with this. You are right.
It's not just about porn. It's about the teen porn, and about
his exploitation of others as in videotaping the unaware
neighbor. The issue, I think, is even more serious than this.
Teen porn, unless you're talking the 19-and-over variety, is
illegal. Any porn depicting children under the age of 18, any
videotaping of children under the age of 18 (yes, even 17.5
years old) is child pornography. It's a really serious crime.
If your husband has this illegal addiction, he really needs help
so he can correct himself before he gets into some real
trouble. Or if he's doing the 19-and-over legal teen porn but
teetering on the brink of child pornography with younger teens,
then this is the time to get him away from the brink. You can't
do it alone. You guys need a competent therapist trained in sex
therapy possibly as well as family therapy to address this. The
therapist needs to be very sensitive and respectful and not the
type to trash you or your husband. You guys need empathy,
respect and help.
You have a big problem on your hands and I sincerely wish you
the very best with this.
anon
My advice is that BOTH of you should be going to therapy TOGETHER. You need
COUPLES counseling. I don't know, because you can only give limited
information in a post to the newsletter, but from the information you give, the
impression *I* get is that you want your husband to go do the therapy and get
''fixed'' so he'll be the husband you want.
I'm not saying that to be mean or make you feel bad, because it's perfectly
human and understandable to want that (on an unconsious level, as I'm sure it
is, IF that is what is going on). But YOU need to look at YOUR STUFF too! You
have some issues here: your trust has, quite understandably, been shattered.
It's soooo important that you get to voice that in the presence of an objective
facilitator. Your husband isn't the only one with a problem, you have one too,
but it's a problem between the two of you, so the two of you have to work it
out together.
This kind of thing is way too difficult to try to do on your own, you deserve
support. Don't give up on your husband or your marriage just yet, find yourself
a good therapist (and please, shop around, not all therapists are good [don't
trust someone who thinks *they* know whether or not you should divorce, for
example] and not all good therapist are going to be right for YOU.
Additionally, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read ''Passionate Marriage'' by Dr. David
Snarch, a couples councelor and SEX THERAPIST for 30 years, this book may be
very helpful to you as you seek couples counseling. I don't know ANY body that
couldn't learn something from this book about marriage and how to work
through the really difficult times like the one you are in now. Seriously, this
book could help save your marriage. You can get this book on Amazon.com.
My husband and I are currently seeing a therapist together. We do not have
anything going on that is quite as dramatic, but we definitely have issues and I
figured we should work on our stuff NOW before it becomes dramatic. Don't
wait until you're halfway out the door (which is usually when couples finally go
to counceling - when it's practically too late).
I wish you the VERY BEST of success.
Sincerely
Counseling Works!
If your sex life is good, and it seems so, and your husband is
not acting out his fantasies elsewhere, I think you might
consider getting him help with his addiction but being less
upset about the actual content. He's turning to you for his
pleasures and that's what counts. If he were ONLY turning to
porn, that would be another problem. My husband has ***NO***
libido and I wish that he would turn to porn or something since
our sex life is non existent. So from my perspective, your
situation is preferable! I understand your disturbance but my
sense is that the quantity is the issue, not the content.
From a different perspective
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Last updated: May 27, 2005
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