Husband is viewing internet porn sites

I just discovered that my husband has been viewing Internet porn sites. I do not yet know the full scope of his use. I came home at an unexpected time and found him flustered with his pants open and then today looked at the log and found some of his history.

I have not yet confronted him about fully about this - as I want to sort this out a bit on my own. I feel that we have deeper problems here. I did talk to him about needing more affection and physical attention from him and expressed the sadness I feel that we are not physically intimate anymore. Our sex life took a plunge when I got pregnant 5 years ago. It was not great to begin with but we did at times find our groove. This last year sex has been almost non-existent. I almost always have to initiate and he has some erectile difficulties. We have not had vaginal sex for a while. My drive is pretty low.

I have mixed feelings about porn and see it has its place - but I do not want it to replace our intimacy. It saddens me that his use may be out of ease and the 1-way-ness of this experience. It is a lot harder to negotiate this with a real living person - me. What shall I do? My gut says counseling and reading is in order. Any suggestions on therapists/books? We are out in the Dublin area. anon

Bothered by husband surfing porn websites

Last October I woke up to find my husband on my computer sheepishly surfing around. That same night I suddenly woke up and looked to see where he'd been. The history showed misc porn and ended up on pages N. Cal. callgirls. This made investigate our credit card statements which showed one charge for around $50 at an adult bookstore on a Wednesday afternoon, when he says he's working (he has own contracting biz.) That day I was working at my FT job and our 1.4 year old daughter was in daycare.

Even though I don't like the messages porn gives to men and the industry's expolitation of women, I'm not against porn use for a consenting couple and in the early days we would sometimes use it. But ideally, I'd like my husband not to EVER be interested in it and I am VERY against what I see as a huge betrayal of our marriage and commitment to each other.

After this happened I took a loose survey of my married women friends who almost ALL said their husbands used porn and it was somthing they basically put up with. That said, is it really too much to ask that my husband not need porn?

Since last October we've begun therapy and he wrote me a contract saying if he ever does it again, (or I catch him, I suppose) he'll leave our home immediately and everything to me and our daughter. This was his idea, given in Jan. He says he has a sex addiction but does not want to attend meetings or anything but our therapy to help with this. He is a Buddhist and says that is the way he is chosing to work on it. He also says he has not done anything since last year.

My problem is that I can't seem to accept that he did this and even with the trust work we've done in counseling I have a hard time believing him about anything and feel like I not only can't trust him but have lost a lot of respect for him. I struggle with wanting to put spy software on his machine so I can see what he's ''really'' doing so that maybe I'll have an excuse to leave him. This action has shaken my entire being; my self confidence, my security, my sense of family, and the love I once had for him to name just a few.

Has anyone been able to reconcile a situation like this; what I see basically as an affair? still wondering and hurt

If porn is the only difficulty, why don't you view and approve of a few porn films for him to watch, and he can restrict himself to those? I think the more ''forbidden'' the porn is, the more he's going to be attracted to it. There are some very woman- positive erotic films--Candida Royalle is a female director who has made some good films enjoyed by both sexes. You might identify what you find so terrible about it...since it sounds like your husband is struggling with parts of his sexuality, and you don't sound interested in helping him through it.

Just because a guy watches porn does not mean he will run out and seek sex elsewhere (unless he has strong desire for fantasy fulfillment, which the two of you should talk about anyway). Most men DO like porn, and most of your friends tolerate it within their relationships. Can you move beyond considering it cheating or infidelity, and start to view it as a form of sexual fulfillment? Research shows that men really DO have different erotic needs from women. Men tend to be excited by visual stimuli (i.e., pictures) much more than women are. Why not honor and accept that basic fact, and not worry about it so much?

Finally, the ''agreement'' he signed that forces him to move out if he ever watches porn again sounds too punitive to me. If a person is on a diet, should they be forced to move out the first time they eat a cupcake? I think ''harm reduction'' should be your strategy, not ''total and complete compliance or else.'' It won't help him for you to try to ''guilt'' him on this--try to be as understanding and welcoming of his sexuality as you can --sex positive Mama

When I read that your husband '' wrote me a contract saying if he ever does it again, (or I catch him, I suppose) he'll leave our home immediately and everything to me and our daughter'' I got very worried for both of you. If porn is part of his private sex life, maybe he shouldn't give it up. And maybe he can't without feeling really deprived. It sounds like you've both demonized his passtime by calling it an addiction and categorizing it as a betrayal. Maybe it is neither. So my advice to you is to explore different ways of thinking about his porn attachment. You might, like me, conclude that it is a harmless part of his private sexuality, which he has a right to, and that you can live with it. You might also, like me, prefer not to see exactly what he's looking at, and let it remain private :). Good luck! porn dog's wife

There is a 12-step program / support group for people who have been affected by another person's compulsive sexual behavior that you might find really helpful. They have at least one meeting in the East Bay that I know of: http://www.cosa-recovery.org/ I'm pretty sure it's mostly women.

There is also a program for Sex & Love Addicts, which includes not just internet porn or sex addicts but also a lot of people who are in relationships with folks who have compulsive sexual behaviors as well as people who have trouble having good boundaries in a relationship. A good mix of men and women, dealing with issues around relationships in general (not just sex). I've found this helpful not just for dealing with addicts in my life but for learning to know myself better and attract healthier people into my life. Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous http://www.slaa-sfeb.org Anon

Hubby and hardcore porn - am I just a prude?

This morning, I sat down to the family computer, and I was greeted by the hardcore porn site my husband accidentally left on screen. My first thought was that of repulsion, and then concern, as this is the same computer my 11 year old daughter uses. I'm also feeling betrayed, inadequate, and sad. My husband is a night-owl, and a workaholic. I would often joke to him that he was surfing the internet late at night looking for porn, and he always denied it and said he was doing research. Now, I feel like I can't trust him, what else does he do online? (I probably watch too much Dateline, and fear the worst.) My feelings of inadequacy come from our sex life these days. We have 3 kids, 2 are pre-schoolers. I'm exhausted and feel like my body is going through hormonal changes (I have had a low sex drive since I had my babies). Also, I feel inadequate as a woman, comparing myself to what my husband obviously is attracted to sexually. Am I making too big a deal of this? Am I to accept that this as normal behavior for men, or just a warning of a sexually frustrated, unhappily married man? I know pornography has been around in different forms for ages, but, with the computer so close, and private, I feel like he has been having a secret affair. What if he's a porn addict? He has asked me to watch porn on tv with him, which I've declined, I just don't want to. I know lots of people do, and that's fine, its just not for me. I guess my question is, what's the right way to feel about the viewing of pornography? Am I just being a prude? Should I just get over it? Do I forbid it? What have other woman with similar experiences done? I'd be interested in hearing from both men and woman. sad & inadequate wife

the only suggestion I have is to keep an open dialogue about it with your husband. Let him know that it makes you feel insecure and that it hurts your feelings. Tell him how it makes you feel about you, and not just how it makes you feel about him. If you start attacking him or trying to make him feel bad, he'll likely only get defensive. Also, don't listen to anyone who downplays your feelings. Sure, tons of women might be completely okay with it, but if you're not, and if it hurts you, well, that's how you feel. Its legitimate. I've had so many friends tell me that it shouldn't bother me and I've tried to convince myself that it doesn't, but that just makes me feel worse. It does bother me, I do feel like it is a violation or our intimacy, and I don't think I'll ever feel different. I no longer try to control my husband and stop him from doing it, but I do my best to let him know how it makes me feel and hope that he respects that. anon

That said, the 11 year old factor is another issue - it's more just irresponsible. Then again, most kids know wayyyyy more about computers than their parents -- and even blocking software isn't much of a hinderance -- so they can visit these sites pretty easily on their own (a poorly worded Google can even get the most chaste of computer users a return of some very graphic sites!).

Anyway - good luck. Your husband is probably very normal. You might tell him kindly to make sure he closes the sites up and makes sure the computer history is clean before handing over the computer to your daughter, though. Anon.

(1)your husband needs to separate his private space from his family space, i.e. his own computer. You need to put a parental control on your home computer.

(2)you should STOP wasting time obsessing about your husband and invest time into YOURSELF and finding out what turns you on and what sexual needs are.

(3) both my partner and I are different people with different sexual tastes and different sexual fantasies

(4)my partner has his own privacy that he had before he met me - that privacy includes his sexual relationship with himself which includes fantasy

(5) my partner's use of internet porn is not sexual addiction (unless he does it all the time at the exclusion of having a relationship with other people)

(6) my partner is respectful to women - and this is his real way of relating to and viewing women that is separate from his fantasy and porn.

(7) I am sexy and attractive in my own way. What turns my partner on has nothing to do with my own sexual attractiveness- if your partner is comparing you to these women and suggesting you change yourself or your body (other than putting on the occasional sexy dress or lingerie) - then you got problems.

(8)he was like this - meaning into porn - when he met you, when you had your first kiss, when you first made out - when he first said he loved you - and he's the same right now - its just that you now just found out - and its freaking you out. The both of you need to be open and honest about this instead of creating an environment where your husband has to lie.

(9) I'm attracted to a lot of men and that does not make me less attracted to my husband -it just means I'm human.

I wouldn't mind meeting for coffee to vent...Email me.

sexy and NOT inadequate wife

Anyway, first, you need to confront him, and it is not going to be easy. Fully expect him to deny it, then say it's no big deal, then to then get angry and defensive, then throw things back at you (i.e., about your hormonal situation, etc.). Then you must insist that he meet with you at a counselor to work this out.

I know many people feel that internet porn is harmless ''fun'', and that men don't disclose that they like it because they are embarassed. Surely this is sometimes the case, but I know that my husband had no idea how the combination of my post-partum body/hormones, along with my insecurities about my body and my identity as a mother of 3 children would set the stage for the ''perfect storm'' of completely destroying my self-esteem when I found out about his porn habit. He was using it as an outlet for his own insecurites about having less sex, wondering if his wife would ever be his ''girlfriend'' again (and not just the mother of his kids), and to do something he thought harmless yet naughty. We did a lot of painful talking at the counselor, but amazingly, we came out fine, just a bit tender. I'm rooting for you - good luck. Been There

If you guys feel like you can work it out on your own then good luck, but sounds like counseling may the way to go. Good luck. anon

I was totally destroyed by the porn. I felt disgusted, betrayed, insecure, inadequate, unsafe, suspicious, etc. just as you described. I was worried for myself and our children. (You always hear about porn in connection with child molesters...) After the first meeting with the therapist, Dr. Charles King in Berkeley... he specializes in sex addiction. I bought some books & read up on sex addictions. (Phillip (?) Carnes was the best if I recall.) Sex addictions are not always progressive. Over time & through therapy I was better able to accept that his addiciton wasn't about sex, or me, & wasn't (in his case) leading us into the netherworld. We were eventually able to rebuild our trust & communication skills. We exited therapy with some very good plans.

In fact things were going so well I thought we had beat it. Then a few wks ago he had a relapse. He was honest about it. We talked & realized that we had not continued our communication or his stress management. It brought up all of those old feelings for me, & threw me for a loop all over again. I guess I let myself forget that it is an addiction, & that it will always be there, & we have to take it 1 day at a time. He knows that I am willing to work through this with him, but that there are limits to how many times I can. We have reinstituted what we had let go after therapy, plus he is now blocked from the internet at home. I can't say that your situation is the same, or that my situation is any example... but you are not alone in discovering this & having to deal with it. Good luck. annonymous

Sometimes this is just mindless stress relief (without a lot of forethought) for a man. anonymous

Your husband CANNOT leave open porn sites or bookmarks to porn sites or porn downloads on any computer accessable by children, and you're just going to have to lay down the law on that one.

In terms of feeling inadequate, the fact is that the vast majority of women in porn are young cuties with great bodies- that's the nature of the beast. I'm chubby and middle aged, my boyfriend surfs porn, and he loves my body. He doesn't compare me to porn actresses, he just happens to enjoy porn in addition to me.

I look at porn sometimes, sometimes it turns me on, sometimes I'm just curious. I look at ''activities'' that may (or may not) give me material for fantasy but aren't things I would actually want to do, and from talking with other women and with men I find that's not so unusual. Just because your husband is looking at ''whatever'' doesn't mean that's what he really wants or that he's going to go looking for it.

Your husband lied to you- that's unnerving at best, but at the same time he's probably embarrassed that he surfs porn, and he probably was afraid that (just like it has) it would hurt your feelings. Could you ask him to tell you what it's about for him and be open to his answer? You could tell him what his viewing of it means to you, and discussing it, even if nothing changes, might bring you closer in understanding each other.

I'd say look to things in your daily life together as to whether or not you have a happy marriage, don't just conclude that because your husband surfs porn you don't.

There's no right way to feel about it- be yourself. Your homonal state is real and is natural. Explain that to him, and, assuming that you do, reassure him that you love him and that he's still your husband and lover even if you're out of commission for awhile. anon

My wife and I are in a mid 40s and have young kids. My wife too has lost a lot of interest in Sex and which is further decreased by how she feels compared to other women. I think this is really sad that she lets what other people (she doesn't even know) affects what could be a very healthy sex life with her husband (who would do anything for her). I would have sex with my wife everyday (several times) if given the opportunity. Regardless what you think there is always opportunities regardless of how hectic your life is.

I'm not unhappy in my marriage and not going to leave her for lack of sex but I am not going to stop masturbating and fantasizing about having an active sex life either.

Like you my wife also complains about being tired. I don't know of any therapy or drugs that are better than Sex. I don't know about women but Sex both energizes me for the day when I have in the morning and evening sex helps me sleep better at night.

Not only do I enjoy sex but it's a great stress reliever and release from the day to day hassle. Unfortunately I have to result to masturbation usually this is late night too after trying to catch up on work and right before I go to bed. I would much rather go to bed and make love with my wife given the opportunity.

The issue with your kids accidentally seeing what your husband looks at late at night is easily rectified in a few minutes. Ask your husband to log in with his own account on the family computer and set the screen save to lock the account after a certain amount of idle time. annonymous

I'll give you a view into my situation, only as a possible scenario that may apply here. I've always considered myself to have more sex drive than my wife, and our differences has widened even more since we've had our three children. Though hard-core porn depresses me, I find occasional soft-porn web sites a relief, the ones where [seemingly] well-adjusted women reveal their bodies in unhumiliating ways. For me, it's an occasional pressure release valve, both mentally and physically. I really don't feel guilty about it, and then I'm off living my 'regular' life. Some may find this unhealthy or immoral and they are welcomed to their opinion; our marriage is a couple of decades old, with no signs of waning.

Maybe your husband is like me. Maybe not. Wish you the best in finding out.

p.s. Please don't beat yourself up about your sexuality. It may have nothing to do with that, and even if it does, I doubt you deserve it. happily married

My husband's addiction to porn

About 5 years ago, after the birth of our daughter, my husband emotionally withdrew from our marriage, refusing to come to bed, instead staying up nights logging on to internet porn and once he secretly videotaped our neighbor while she was undressing. He went to therapy, briefly, admitted being addicted to porn and said therapy helped and he was able to ''handle'' it. I believed him. I told him it wasn’t the porn that bothered me, but it was the type (peeping tom type / teenage girls) that I found degrading and that if he were to do it again, I would leave him. Fast-forward 5 years. Just last week I stumbled onto a disk which contained 300 porn downloads of teenage girls (practically daily downloads since June 1—some during the workday and others in the evening. He is a consultant that works from home). Also on our Tivo, I found 30 porn flicks that he has recorded since June. (Most of the films were deleted, but Tivo keeps record of what is recorded and deleted.) Although I am not totally adverse to porn, I do find these images disturbing and degrading. Last week when I found the most recent pictures, I confronted him and he said he messed up and he would go back to therapy, which he is. I know porn is based on fantasy and not “real life” and we have a pretty active and spicy sex life. For all other accounts he is a good father and husband, but I simply don’t trust him anymore and the thought of sex with him is sickening (it just brings up images of him downloading pictures of teenage girls). Needing sound advice

I don't know what type of evaluation or treatment your husband recieved in the past, but if it was dynamically oriented therapy (talk therapy) with a general therapist, it is unlikely that this problem was truly succesfully resolved. Dynamically oriented therapy is not very effective with paraphilias. My organization's website has additional information about sex- specific therapists and a referral list of several in the Bay Area and well as many across the country. You can access this at: http://www.childmolestationprevention.org/pages/resources.html I would also recommend a program called Sharper Future that has several offices around the Bay Area. Their main number in San Francisco is 415-397-6622. They could provide an evaluation for your husband and determine if he needs further treatment for this problem as well as the other issues you raise.

I also think an evaluation by a sex specific therapist is in order because the behaviors you describe, while alarming or upsetting enough on their own, are also simply the ones that you are aware of or have been discovered, thus far. It is possible that there are more issues going on with him and through an evaluation, a sex-specific therapist will be able to determine this and then also provide any treatment that is needed.

You have a big problem on your hands and I sincerely wish you the very best with this. anon

I'm not saying that to be mean or make you feel bad, because it's perfectly human and understandable to want that (on an unconsious level, as I'm sure it is, IF that is what is going on). But YOU need to look at YOUR STUFF too! You have some issues here: your trust has, quite understandably, been shattered. It's soooo important that you get to voice that in the presence of an objective facilitator. Your husband isn't the only one with a problem, you have one too, but it's a problem between the two of you, so the two of you have to work it out together.

This kind of thing is way too difficult to try to do on your own, you deserve support. Don't give up on your husband or your marriage just yet, find yourself a good therapist (and please, shop around, not all therapists are good [don't trust someone who thinks *they* know whether or not you should divorce, for example] and not all good therapist are going to be right for YOU.

Additionally, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read ''Passionate Marriage'' by Dr. David Snarch, a couples councelor and SEX THERAPIST for 30 years, this book may be very helpful to you as you seek couples counseling. I don't know ANY body that couldn't learn something from this book about marriage and how to work through the really difficult times like the one you are in now. Seriously, this book could help save your marriage. You can get this book on Amazon.com.

My husband and I are currently seeing a therapist together. We do not have anything going on that is quite as dramatic, but we definitely have issues and I figured we should work on our stuff NOW before it becomes dramatic. Don't wait until you're halfway out the door (which is usually when couples finally go to counceling - when it's practically too late).

I wish you the VERY BEST of success.

Sincerely Counseling Works!