Berkeley Parents Network: Open Marriage

Berkeley Parents Network

Open Marriage

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Family Relations > Open Marriage

Bi-sexuality and open marriages

Bi-sexuality and open marriages

May 2006

Coming up on my 41st birthday and have been married to a sweet man for 13 years. Suddenly, I'm finding that I am sexually interested in women. My sexuality has blossomed over the last few years (yes, very sexually repressed for along time)so this part of my life with my husband has improved and been good. What I'm wondering is: are there couples where one or both partners are bi-sexual and they have openly and successfully enjoyed ''playing'' with someone else outside of the marriage but have stay committed to their marriage?
Bi-curious

My husband and I have had an ''inclusive'' marriage from the beginning. We have been married for 16 years and we have 2 children. We are allowed to share intimaticies with any other person provided that person is non-toxic, as in emotionally stable and non-distruptive to our family. We also practice safe- sex. For a bisexual woman, that means dental dams or other barrier devices for any bodily fluid contact. For men, bisexual or straight, the same thing applies and condoms condoms condoms. I will admit we VERY often are much too busy to take advantage of this arrangment, but I trust him and he trusts me and we communicate about any plans with other people. I hope you find people to be with who will be good for you. Anonymous

There is a great support network out there called Straight Spouse Support Network: http://www.ssnetwk.org/ Within that group there are many great support groups via yahoo groups that you can learn about couples who continue being married in your situation. It is possible. Good luck to you! anon

I am dealing with the very same issue. I have been attracted to women since middle school but have never acted on it. I consider myself bisexual. My husband is very open to the idea but more in a ''let's do a three way''. Um...no. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and working with a therapist. I know my husband says that it is ok but for me to have sex with a woman but if I did it would be because I care for that person and that makes it a threat to my marriage. I am not a casual sex one-night-stand person...with either sex. So for me I don't see how it can work out unless I am single and that is not an option for me. It is hard. I am conflicted. I am still thinking about it and will continue to discuss it with my husband and therapist. married

Yes, generally speaking there are few things that will make a man more angry and he will find less sexy then his wife's bi- sexual dalliances. I apologize for the sarcasm, but your question seems more like an intro to erotica then a legitimate question. Most men should be fine with you experimenting with women, especially if they are included, at least usually included.

I should note, some more conservative men will find any dalliances or bi-sexuality in general to be painful and unacceptable. Also, if you want to have relationships which exclude him, he may rightly be jealous and hurt, especially if you want to experiment but demand he remain ''faithful''.

A warning- while all of this may be fun and is likely healthy, I have found that while many men enjoy and are aroused by being with a bi-sexual woman, the ''extra'' activity, even group activity which involves them, can be hurtful, and the man may not even be aware his feelings are being hurt.

All in all I say congratulations, enjoy yourself, include your husband as much as possible, and be aware that he may not be aware of his own feelings. anon

I identify as bisexual, but have been happily married to a man for almost 11 years with a child and another on the way. Before this, I mostly was committed to women partners. I am glad that you are explorig your sexuality, and that can be very freeing and exciting. However, I would ask that you look beyond the gender issue and look at what you are really asking about- a sexual/emotional experience outside of your marriage. Gender aside, I know of very few committed relationships that have been able to survive a change to an open relationship, because it affects so deeply both partners and the family that you have created. I know of many people setting up this type of relationship from the beginning, and that has seemed to be the only way this works, regardless of gender. If I were you, I would explore your feelings with a really good, experienced psychotherapist. I can tell you that the same issues that you are probably having with your husband right now, (who does what chores, how free time is spent, who watches kids, how money is spent, how much sex you are having, extended family issues, etc.) are all of the same issues that came up in my long term relationships with women. In fact, these were magnified and made much worse by the fact that society did not approve of our relationship in the first place. So, its great to fantasize, but before you act on anything, figure out more about what is going on with you and your life. Not an easy thing to do... but worth it. happy with one ''person'' at a time

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