The In-laws and parenting differences
Berkeley Parents Network >
Advice >
Family Relations >
The In-laws and parenting differences
August 2002
need advice for how to deal with visits from my European
mother-in-law who is coming for a two week visit soon to visit
our 4-month old. She came for one month beginning when my baby
was one month old. She was very helpful in terms of cooking and
cleaning. The problem was her advice. While some of it was
helpful (i.e. good ways to hold the baby to calm it) much of it
I disagreed with, and it was phrased in a way that I found
insulting, for example, ''If you pick the baby up all the time it
will always want to be held.'' or ''She's crying for no reason so
you should pick her up or you'll spoil her.'' My problem is I
don't know what to say to my mother-in-law when she says these
things that I disagree with. Part of the problem is that I only
speak her language on a basic level. I can understand everything
but don't have the language capapbility to explain why I do
things a certain way. I don't know who to say in a nice way the
reasons I disagree with his advice. My husband, of course, is
at work and is not around for these advice giving sessions. He
also prefers to avoid confronting his mother because she is very
emotional and easily insulted. Should I just pretend I don't
understand what she is saying when she gives her advice? Should
I just be rude and memorize a phrase like ''I don't want your
advice.'' Any suggestions would be helpful.
anonymous, please
Wow, in-laws suck, don't they? Sorry, this is kinda long, but I
had almost the exact same problem, except his mother is from
California, so I could have told her in plain English that I did
not want her advice. So what did I do? I actually just kept
quiet. But don't get me wrong, I didn't just take her advice
either. She would say the same stuff to me about my newborn son
(she came to visit when he was just a week old). ''If you pick
him up every time he cries, you'll spoil him.'' Ugh! He's a
newborn, for pete's sake!!!! I would answer her, very
politely, ''Love doesn't spoil, material things do,'' and then
pick up my son. It drove her nuts, I think, but more so than
me. Now that he's over a year old and I'm still nursing him,
she will say to me ''How long are you going to keep nursing?
Until he's in college?'' I just smile and keep nursing. Inside,
I'm fuming because I can't stand her and am fighting to keep
from just blowing up and telling her off, but at the same time,
I know it wouldn't do any good. Being rude might just give her
the proof she needs to conclude that you don't have it
together. But I think if you stay calm, let her say whatever
she's going to say, and then continue to do whatever it is that
you are doing with your child on your terms, calmly and firmly,
that would show her even more that you are in control of the
situation, you are the mother, not her. On the other hand, you
could also pretend that you don't understand her and just keep
doing what you're doing. I probably would do that, too, for
some things. And if that doesn't work, just know she'll be gone
in a few weeks and you won't have to deal with her at all after
that. P.S. as far as your husband is concerned, don't count on
him to take your side on this. Mine didn't and when I stopped
trying to get him to understand and took matters into my own
hands, I felt more in control in dealing with his mother. Good
luck with everything!
kris
I understand your situation because I was in a similar one with
my foreign mother-in-law giving unwanted and outdated advice. My
solution was to smile and nod and keep doing what I was doing,
pretending that I didn't fully understand what she was saying.
Although I managed to avoid hurting her feelings (I think), I did
hear from my sisters-in-law the gossip she would tell them behind
my back about my child rearing practices--I didn't care! Best
wishes!
Anon.
My mother sounds just like your mother in-law. Part of that is
because of her generation and part of that is because she is
European. I being a European(this is just my experience and
might be very different from others) myself, I see a clear
difference in how children are raised. Baby's are not supposed
to be picked up when they are crying, even at nighttime, out of
fear of ''spoiling'' them. My mother used to tell me over and over
that my son would never learn how to walk because I carried him
all the time. My father, who does not say a lot even called me
up one they to tell me that I should stop nursing because he did
not think it was appropriate (my son was only a year at the
time). My advise is to ignore the comments, you only have to put
up with it a couple weeks out of the year. My mother will never
get the message, and I doubt if your mother-in-law will either.
Just keep doing what you are doing, your child is very lucky to
receive so much love and attention from his parents. I have
always continued to hold my son and respond to his needs (rather
than what my mother thinks is the right thing to do) and I have
a very lovable and affectionate child, who is not at
all ''spoiled.'' How can you spoil a child with love anyway?
Jannette
There ought to be some middle ground between accepting unwanted
advice and telling your mother-in-law, whom you apparently don't
dislike and some of whose assistance you appreciated, to butt
out. From your description of her as someone emotional and
easily insulted, it would probably be safer not to be rude (even
when tempted). Perhaps you could memorize and then say, with a
smile, something like ''I appreciate your advice, but I want to
do this a different way.'' I don't think you have to explain all
your reasons. Then, too, if she offers advice that you do like,
you can say ''Thanks, that's a great suggestion,'' which may help
prevent her from getting upset when you don't accept her other
advice. You didn't mention whether she's likely to be pushy to
compel you to agree with her; let's hope not. But if she does
push, you're entitled to stick to your guns -- it's your baby.
You're better off getting control of this sort of issue now,
while your baby is still little, especially if your MIL is going
to be visiting frequently. If you generally like her and are
appreciative of the nice things she does for you (and if she's
not wholly unreasonable), it should work out.
Wendy
It depends on the mother-in-law, but what worked pretty well with mine
was to say "You know, nowadays the doctors say to do blah blah blah"
and "I know! That's what all the moms did back when I was a baby but
these days they do X Y Z." That way, it isn't your idea that you are
promoting, it's somebody else's. It takes the heat off you. Plus, my
mother-in-law was a real stickler for whatever the god-like doctors
say, so that line always worked. She would say "Oh my goodness! I
can't believe they are picking up the crying babies now! We would
never do that!" and then go off and tsk tsk with her friends, who've
all had the same story from their daughters-in-law. Kids these days.
A crafty daughter-in-law
Don't be rude!! I can't say that I have ever been very good aout
listening to advice, BUT when I became a mom four years ago I
made a semi-conscious decision to listen to advice from all
kinds of people - strangers, family, friends, peers, elders...
even if I didn't agree with everything they said, I could
usually find a nugget that was helpful and sometimes I didn't
realize it was helpful 'til months later. You don't have to heed
it all, just listen and say something appreciative - ''Hmm, I'll
have to try that''.
I think it is important to respect your mother-in-law's input
for several reasons: 1) you are teaching (by example)your child
respect for his/her parents and elders, 2) they have been
through more than we have and have learned a thing or two along
the way, 3) styles of parenting are just that, styles, and
change from decade to decade so there is no right or wrong about
many things, 4)she is only here for short-term visits and you
have acknowledged that she is VERY helpful (cooking and
cleaning!!!!) and that some advice worked for you, 5) your own
ideas may well mutate over time (I know mine did ''My kids will
NEVER use a pacifier, became...well you can guess!). Keep open
the channels of communication and you may have an opportunity to
build a new relationship with her around your child. Try to let
go of your hostility toward her for your child's sake and your
own and focus on the positive. She is after all your husband's
mother and she did all the wonderful things you are doing for
your baby for HIM. Let it go - start fresh - the anger and
hostility will eat you up and may taint these precious first
months with your child. How great that she has made the effort
to visit from so far away - acknowledge that. Work on building a
family and making her part of it somehow!! Besides, a four-
month old is very different from a one-month old, your child
won't cry as much, etc. Why not just pack up the child in a
Baby Bjorn and do some things your mother-in-law might enjoy
doing as a tourist - museums, wine country, whatever. Distract
her and spoil HER a little.
FYI, the things she says about spoiling are classics from a
generation that included my mom - there may be some truth to
what they say as the child gets older as you may find when you
begin sleep training and your child cries for you to come and
come and come, but I, like you, can't stand to hear a baby cry.
BUT, maybe you could while she is there try to find other ways
to make the baby stop crying (though as I said there is much
less of that at four months than one month) like putting the
baby in a jiggling/vibrating baby seat, rocking the baby in a
stroller, a pacifier (!), thigs we now call self-soothing - the
things you will do with your second and third baby - if only to
show her that you are making an effort.
I know it is hard and I AM sympathetic, I just think that she
probably means no harm and has a too direct way of communicating
(I probably do too) and that you should TRY to let a good
relationship around your baby grow. It is SO great for kids to
feel they have a family who has a well-liked granny - kids sense
tension and you will be rewarded for your early efforts as your
child gets older.
SO, listen to everything and thank her for the ideas that DO
work and take pictures of her with the baby and send her off
feeling like she is a great grandmother. You can wink at your
husband as she boards the plane, but think how appreciative he
will be!!
PS My sister-in-law (whom my mother and I adore) always held her
first baby (''His feet didn't touch the floor his first two
years'' - my mother) and he at seven years IS spoiled relative to
his two younger brothers!!! :)) A slight tease, but, you never
know...
Laura
In my opinion, when she gives you advice that you do not agree
with, carry on with what you were doing (holding the baby etc)
and give her a short reply in your own language using a pleasant
voice and facial expression. Even if she does not quite
understand what you are saying she will probably receive your
message ''I will do whatever I think it's best for my baby'' and
won't be offended.
Also, please keep in mind that other generation moms might have
outdated ideas about raising babies but they are also a precious
resource of experience. Moms from other countries will bring a
baggage of simple and natural solutions to some of the baby care
questions and worries, that might not be part of the american
culture.
Simona
I, too, have a foreign MIL, so I know what you are talking about!
I think the best way to handle her advice is to laugh or smile,
and then say, ''oh, they don't believe that anymore'' (such as
holding the baby will spoil her, and so on. by ''they'' here I mean
the experts or the doctors). Or say, ''That's not how it is done
these days.'' Do what you think is right. I try not to argue with
my MIL, but I don't let her dictate how I raise my children,
either. Yikes. Good luck!
Kate
First, never say ''I don't want your advice.'' Not a good idea
unless you want to ruin your relationship with her forever. I'm
Japanese, married to an American, with a two-year old.
Although I have wonderful relationship with my American mother-
in-law, these problems are so common among my friends in Japan
where mother-in-laws control everything from babies to husbands.
It's wise to agree with her first anyway, then do it the way you
feel the best. I'd suggest that your husband talks to her
(without you) about your feelings and ideas. Also I've learned
that customs and ideas re: raising and taking care for little
ones vary greatly from culture to culture, so your feelings are
probably well justified. Still, she is coming all the way with
good intention to help you out -- as I recall when my son was a
little baby -- you are lucky to have helping hands. Good luck,
Satomi
My advice is that same whether or not you speak the same
language, or if it's your own mother, or anyone else: Smile
and say, ''Thank you.'' Then do whatever you think is the way
to do it. You will feel better if you don't waste your energy
trying to change someone else's mind. You will never be
able to do it.
Nancy
First, I think it's great that it's only for 2 weeks. My
European mother-in-law came and lived with us for 4 months, and
was originally going to stay even longer. I speak her language,
but at the level of a kindergarderer, so being subtle wasn't
quite my strength.
Things always went smoother when I graciously took her advice,
even though I didn't act on it all of the time. My husband also
really appreciated the fact that I was nice to his mom and
didn't get into it with her. I think that he often didn't agree
with her advice, but didn't want to get in the middle of
anything-- kind of like what you mentioned with your spouse. He
and I did discuss (before she arrived) how we would handle
situations as they arose, and that helped immensely! One thing
you may want to talk thru is, if his mom does something that you
just can't deal with, how can he support you, or will he? Can
you rant about the situation to him when she's not around, just
to have someone to listen to? Or, can he truly not hear anything
the slightest bit negative about his mom, even if he agrees with
it? You might want to have a friend ''on call'' for support... My
husband also did things like taking his mom out in the evening
for a walk so I could have some space, etc.-- can't say enough
good things about the walk-time :)
No matter what, remember that it's only for a vey short time in
the scheme of things, and most likely, she just wants to help
you. You might even learn something new-- I did. If all else
fails, keep her busy with projects or outings, and she won't
have much time to give you advice. Good luck!
--anonymous
I can relate to your unwanted advice. For me it is my own
mother, she is Korean and doesn't speak english well, I
have forgotten all my Korean so we speak in broken English
to each other. My mom says the exact same things your
mother-in-law says, I guess it is the prevailing wisdom from
30 or so years ago. Like you, we see each other only on
visits. I have taken a variety of tacts, but truthfully, the most
effective thing has been to ''nicely'' ignore the advice. When
she sees over time that the baby is doing so well, she gets
the idea that we're OK parents and relaxes a little with all the
advice. Another thing to remember is that with babies, they
outgrow their developmental stages so quickly that the
advice soon becomes a non-issue. But sometimes you do
have to say something back to save your sanity. For the
''don't pick up the baby all the time or you'll spoil it'', my best
reply was ''what else can I do'' with a pitiful expression on
my face. My soft-hearted mother laughed. You get the idea.
But my advice is to try to avoid direct conflict.
marguerite
Your mother in-law sounds like my mother, Yikes! I've found this
useful tip(from a friend) to be helpful: just say, ''our
pediatrician said to do xxx''. And don't say anything further, no
explaining, no discussion, just that. It shuts my mother up
FAST. Good luck!
Maya
While I can't speak to the language barrier issue, I too have
family like grandparents and aunts and uncles who say the
same things - ''if you pick him up all the time he will expect
to be held'' and ''you're going to spoil that baby.'' My favorite
line from Grandpa John: ''I can't believe it; five months old
and already this child is spoiled.'' They don't seem to
understand that I am trying my darndest to spoil my baby! I
also had my mother-in-law stay with us for a month, and
while she was totally cool she was also another example of
differences in child-rearing from generation to generation. I
come from the school of thought that you cannot lavish too
much affection and attention on a baby. When I get
comments from my family, I proudly agree with them that
yes, the child is spoiled, and yes, I did that. I take full
responsibility for making my son feel like a little prince, and
for setting up the expectation that when he cries someone
is going to launch a full investigation into why he is crying
and what can be done about it. The upside of this is that
much of my comment-making family, with the notable
exception of Grandpa John, has resigned themselves to the
fact that, alas, the child is spoiled and they may as well get
on board with it. Hold your own, spoil the heck out of your
child. Let your mother-in-law do all the eye-rolling she
wants. Good luck and enjoy your baby.
julie
I gave birth to my first son in Rome.(My husband and I are
Japanese.) Although I did not have foreign MIL, I encountered
with very enthusiastic advices from everyone, from my landlords,
waitresses, people in the bread store that I went to every other
day, and,,,Japanese people living in Rome.
What I have noticed was that (for example in Rome) it is very
common for them to give advices to people over and over in a
rather strong tone. I later started to wonder that maybe this
is cultural (it may not be,,,) and decided not to take it too
personally. I just smiled, enjoyed attentions my son was
receiving, and just moved on with my way. If advices were good
ones, and I willingly took them as well.
I have also noticed that I received similar advices that your
MIL has given to you a lot more from older people (both
Europeans and non-Europeans). I think that was the way they
were suggested to do (not picking up the baby too much, letting
baby cry to sleep, do not nurse too long, and so on.) by their
doctors and parents.
My friend had a similar situation from her own mother, and she
actually gave her mother a book written by William Sears, who
writes many books about attachment parenting. That helped her
stop giving too much advices to my friend, since now she learnt
a different way of parenting. Maybe you can buy one of his book
in your MIL's language and give it to her,,,,.
Sometimes, if advices became too annoying to me, I used to say,,
''Oh,, my pediatrician actually ENCOURAGED to do this way,,,''. I
used a doctor's authority to turn down unwanted advices, and
most of the time it worked.
We are all vulnerable when we are the first time mom. People do
give advices since they have been through it, and everyone
thinks that they did a great job. But,,,guess what? They do not
take any responsibilities about how your child turns out. You
are the mother of your child, and you take all responsibility
anyway. So,,, go with your way!!!
Mika
One response hinted at this but I want to emphasize it - when
your mother in law says ''don't pick him up every time he cries,
you'll spoil him, '' tell her, ''Oh, the doctor says I should pick
him up all the time until he's a year old'' or whatever.
Definitely, definitely invoke THE DOCTOR. Then redirect the
conversation to her adventures with your husband's doctor. She
will have much more fun reminiscing about her motherhood
experiences -that is really what she wants to do, anyway. One
day you, too, will want to relive your experiences through a
grandchild. With me, it was my mom - she thought breastfeeding
was very distasteful in general and moreover, that I was letting
my baby nurse way too much. So we talked about how you made a
bottle in 1961 and what the bottles were like, and about the
time my dad dropped a whole rack of newly sterilized ones and
blah blah blah. She died when my child was a year old and I'm
really glad we had good conversations instead of unhappy ones.
It may be harder since your mother in law's English is not very
good but try - you'll be glad you did.
Fran
I second what the previous posters have said about dealing with
unwanted advice (claiming that I'm just doing what the
pediatrician said works particularly well for me).
Your post didn't say, though, whether your mother-in-law was
making these tactless comments in her native language or in
English, and it made me wonder whether that might be part of the
issue. I speak a second language with near-native fluency, but
one area where I really feel ill-at-ease in my second language
is when I'm trying to strike the right tone. I've been rude when
I meant to be direct, overly friendly when I was trying to be
polite, that sort of thing. I feel like my social skills go down
a notch. I don't know anything about your MIL's personality, but
maybe some of the tactlessness is just due to the language
barrier.
Best of luck -- this can make for tense visits. Hopefully you'll
be more sure of your parenting than you were during her first
visit. For me, that added confidence meant that I got less
advice to begin with, and I had an easier time shrugging off the
rest.
Jennifer
Rest assured that your dilemma is not restricted to foreign
mother-in-laws. When my son was a baby, both my mother and my
mother-in-law told us repeatedly that we were spoiling him by
holding him all the time and that sometimes we should just let him
cry - that it was good for him - And neither of them are foreign.
But how to handle it gracefully is the question. I found trying
to explain our philosophy was pointless. Instead I found the most
effective strategy that kept the peace and usually ended the
subject (for the moment anyway) was to say something benign like
''you may be right but I just love him so much I can't help holding
him all the time'' or ''but this just feels right to me'' or ''well
maybe I'll try that next time''...and then change the subject
quickly. And when the advice offered was genuinely helpful I made
a point of expressing my appreciation frequently which seemed to
take the emphasis away from the advice I wasn't following. I hope
some of this advice is helpful. Some may think it is wimpy, but
my goal was to avoid an unpleasant confrontation, let the
grandmothers feel that their advice was valuable, and mainly -
continue caring for my child in the manner I truly felt was best
for him.
Janie
I just wanted to put a historical dimension on this mother-in-
law advice thing, because it reminded me of a conversation I had
with my own grandmother (born in the 1890s, who had her children
in the 1920s). She had got hold of the new ''scientific'' baby
care books of the twenties and felt she had to grimly sit there
until the recommended feeding time, while HER mother kept
pleading with her ''Aren't you going to pick that poor baby
up''!!
fiona
My In-laws make fun of my parenting decisions
August 2002
I've been reading everyone's advice about unwanted advice from
mother in law and I want some further advice about my in-laws.
Unwanted advice is just the tip of the iceburg with my in-laws.
My in-laws ridicule me for following the current wisdom for
child rearing and for taking the advice of the pediatrician. For
example, my mother in-law put my one month old to sleep on his
stomach in a pile of quilts and pillows. I thanked her for
putting him to sleep and went on to explain that babies are put
to sleep on their backs on a sheet these days because of what
we've learned about the risks of SIDS. For the next hour the
whole family made jokes about following the directions of
doctors who are just going to change their minds in a few years
and my father in-laws favorite and often repeated, ''I don't know
how any of us managed to make it to adulthood.'' This happens
every time we get together. They always laugh at me in addition
to wanting to do things with my baby that I am not comfortable
with and my mother in-law refers to me as ''paranoid''. While my
mother in-law laughs at me every time I say I'm baby proofing
the house, in the next breath she will tell a story about my
husband getting his stomach pumped when he was little because he
climbed on the counter and took her diet pills. I thought my
mother in-law was going to be a good source of baby sitting for
us but I really don't trust her. I find it difficult to tolerate
being around my in-laws with the baby at all because of the way
they disrespect me. I thought this baby might bring us closer
together but it seems to be highlighting our differences. One
friend told me that my in-laws might feel intimidated when I
explain things to them, like I'm criticizing the way they
raised their kids. Should I stop explaining things to them and
give up on the idea that they will ever take care of my son the
way I want them to? How do I deal with feeling humiliated when
we visit them? I'd love some feed back about this situation.
D
There are a few things you don't mention in your message that I
wonder about.
Are you more upset that your ILs are disrespectful to you, or
that you may not be able to use them as babysitters? Do you
find yourself actually lecturing your IL's on child-care? (I
can't imagine anyone would like that--maybe they're deflecting
with--poorly thought-out--humor?). What does your husband have
to say about all this? Is he supportive of you when they are
disrespectful?
I think you may have to let go of hopes that they will babysit,
if you are truly feeling that they do unsafe things. It is
really up to you how much flexibility you are willing to put up
with in specific issues (and I agree, the whole
quilts/pillows/face down sleeping seems a bit much). Have you
tried phrasing your requests in terms of what works best for
your baby? Like, ''He seems to sleep best on his back,'' instead
of ''It's not safe to have him sleep on his stomach.''
But really, I'd want to know what your husband thinks/says--it's
his family, after all. And you deserve to feel respected. So
do they--maybe they don't feel that you respect them? Do you?
Good Luck--I'm sure it's not easy.
Donna
I have a couple of practical tips for you. I don't know all the
details of course, but from reading your letter, I would say that
you are a fairly serious person, and you take childrearing very
seriously, and that your inlaws are more in the laissez-faire,
casual camp. For instance they joked about making it to adulthood
despite mistakes and inattention. I really don't think
the problem is that they are incompetant - after all they raised
your wonderful husband. One problem is a lot of time has passed
since they raised him, and another problem could be they just have
a different approach to life in general. That doesn't mean you can't
all get along though. Doesn't mean your child(ren) can't have a
close and happy relationship with gramma and grandpa.
I think I am more of a casual jokester type parent and worry a
lot less than my friends about things like stomach vs. back
and pillows and so on. I have made jokes similar to your inlaws.
One thing I have learned is that after the first child, you relax a
lot about following all the rules and advice from the doctors and
start to parent more on instinct and what works for you. A lot of
more seasoned parents think they are helping their less experienced
fellow parents out by trying to get them to lighten up and relax
and not worry so much about what they think are the trivial details.
But actually as we know, it can be very annoying to be "helped" in
this way. I've learned that my friends who are more serious than
I am, do not like to hear my advice about just relaxing and not
worrying so much. So I suggest replying with a little bit of humor
mixed with a little bit of directness. This is the kind of thing
that would get me to back off without creating dissention: "Well
you know everybody wants to do exactly the right thing with their
first, so you just have to bear with me and let me do it this way."
Or maybe "Well, you know how neurotic/obsessive/anal I am -- I guess
I will outgrow it eventually but I just have to do it like this
right now!" Maybe a little levity will help with your inlaws.
Regarding whether they should babysit or not. This is tough. In
my case I decided that the benefits of my mom being around the kids
a lot, and also having her help me by babysitting, outweighed the
downside of her wacko opinions (such as giving the baby Coke for
an upset stomach, coming to my house and scrubbing everything down
with Clorox, etc.). I do have friends whose parents have
never babysat because they were concerned about things I don't
worry about at all. Some other friends waited till the baby was
not quite so helpless so they didn't worry so much. Others found
that their parents' initial enthusiasm to babysit evaporated once
they had tried it a few times. So every family has a different
set of plusses and minuses. But there is a lot to be said for
having fond memories of your grandparents, even if you find out
later that your own parents thought they were nuts!
Casual Mom, daughter of Crazy Mom
I was struck by your message about your in-laws, and in
particular by the fact that you didn't talk at all about your
husband's role in any of this. How does he react when his
parents attack you and your child-rearing ideas? Does he laugh
along with them? Does he support you? My parents certainly
don't understand how my wife and I are raising our daughter
(attachment parenting, with a lot of empathy), but I view it as
my job to act as a buffer between them and my wife. She
shouldn't be in the position of having to defend *our* decisions
to *my* parents. I'd suggest talking to your husband (if you
haven't--you don't say one way or the other) and enlisting his
support.
Anon. please....
Your in-laws sound like a real nightmare! Do they live near
you? How does your husband react to them? Whether or not he
speaks up for you, I recommend you distance yourself and your
child(ren) from them as much as possible. You aren't obliged to
explain yourself to them, but you can choose to say something
along the lines of, ''I guess I'm doing it differently''. It's
pretty hard to argue with that. I'm sorry they are so unkind to
you. I agree they are probably insecure. I hope your own
family is easier to be with. Do look for other people to
support you. A church is a good place to find substitute
grandparents; also playgroups, neighbors and old friends can be
wonderful friends to your children.
Louise
I am very sympathetic to your plight; I have exactly the same
situation, except with my parents, not my in-laws. I have tried
all of the things that people have suggested: explaining why
things are done a certain way, laughing at my over-cautious
behavior, begging them to change, etc. They continued to do
things that made me nervous for the safety of my baby. I
think that people are right and that your in-laws probably feel
that you are criticizing the way that they did things, but also,
if my experience is anything to go by, they are still your
husband's parents and probably think that they know best! (even
though lots has changed since then.) I am afraid that the only
thing that worked for me was to get very angry with my parents. I
basically told them that it was my baby, and that if they wanted
us to come visit, they were going to have to do things my way,
and they were going to have to stop pushing us on issues (doing
things that they knew we didn't like, in an attempt to show us
that it was ok) or criticizing our way of doing things. I said
that I would be happy to listen to their experiences and advice,
and if they thought that I was doing something that would
seriously harm our daughter, to please tell me (even if they
thought that my being cautious was going to hurt her development)
but that once they had mentioned something, they needed to ''butt
out.'' It took several tearful conversations and several times of
our threatening to walk out of their house, but they appeared
(finally) to have listened. I think that they realised that it
was driving a wedge between us, and it wasn't really worth it. My
husband and I had a united front on this, but because they are my
parents, I did most of the talking. He would back me up if asked,
but importantly (as people have suggested to you) he stayed quiet
for most of it. My daughter is now 15 months, and I do feel
better: not only have my parents really tried to listen, but I
also feel as if my daughter is more able to handle things. One
last idea: many of the issues about which we disagreed were
present only at their house: a nasty, biting dog that they
refused to keep her away from, etc, so in the early months I
asked them to come to our house if they were going to be alone
with her. (I blamed her sleep schedule for this.) I too wanted
her to have a good relationship with her grandparents, but
figured that the first year does not make or break the
relationship, or create memories, and that there would be plenty
of opportunities for them to be alone together later, when she is
a little older.
Anon
Ugh, I feel for you! Sorry I'm late, but I wanted to chime in
on...where's your husband in all of this'' He should be your
buffer for his parents; you shouldn't be all alone in this! If
he doesn't have the guts to defend your actions, or at least
say, ''I agree with my wife'', than this truly is a hopeless
situation. It's up to HIM to step up in support of things you
say to the in-laws, not your job alone. I happen to be speaking
from the other side too - MY parents have been the
criticizing ''in laws''. My husband and I knew early on we'd be
defending our childrearing ways with MOST of our extended
family - the old school vs. the new is quite different! But we
stuck (and stick) to our beliefs and the benefit is a happy,
well-adjusted toddler who is a joy to be around and whom her
grandparents enjoy immensely. Good luck!
BTDT
The first thing that struck me is that you didn't mention what,
if anything, your husband does to support you. Where is he in
this conflict' The second thing I thought is that you may have
to try a more confrontational approach, esp. if your in-laws'
behavior makes you concerned for the actual well-being of your
child -- you could say something along the lines of ''you don't
have to agree with me, but this is my baby and I get to make the
decisions about how to care for him. If you can't accept that,
then I won't feel comfortable about leaving him in your care.''
And try to say it in a very matter-of-fact way.
With respect to the ''mere'' teasing, I'd try to develop a thicker
skin, and say, ''tease all you like, but do it my way.'' The diet
pill episode is a great example for you to point to to
demonstrate that maybe childproofing is a good idea. My own mom
also makes the occasional joke about how it's a miracle I made
it to adulthood, given all the stuff she did ''wrong.'' But she
also remembers that week where my baby brother (now 38 and fine)
had his stomach pumped TWICE (Top Job and baby aspirin), and
doesn't want me to have to go through something like that. So
she deals with the kids more or less as requested. Not that she
doesn't slip them an extra video or Fritos from time to time. I
also had to learn to relax on the small stuff. Good luck.
Wendy
this page was last updated: May 28, 2008
The opinions and statements expressed on this website
are those of parents who subscribe to the
Berkeley Parents Network.
Please see
Disclaimer & Usage for
information about using content on this website.
Copyright © 1996-2013 Berkeley Parents Network