I am just wondering how much a husband should help with childcare. I am a stay at home mom of a 21 months old girl and I am also taking care of another child for about 20 hours a week. I also do all the housework . My husband occasianaly mows the lawn or fixes something in the house but of course that doesn't happen every week. I go twice a week to the Gym and my husband watches my daughter from 5:30 to 7:30. We talked about that we both take care of her on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays but it rarly happens. I always have to ask for help and when I ask he usually sais that he is busy with something else or tired. I am so tired of asking for help because it feels like I am asking for too much. I know he has a stressful Job. We are also trying to raise our daughter billingual ( German / English) but so far she knows only three words in English and many many words in German. I think that is another reason why they should be more together. Well, I talked about all this with my husband but he just sais that he works his ass off at work and that he feels unappreciated because he does his share. Am I asking for too much ? He has never been to the playground with her and never gave her a bath and if I tell him what to do I am a nag. Now I let them spend their time together however he wants to which is mostly watching TV ( better than no time together) I feel like I never have a break. At night he also never gets up for her and I am so jeaulous when I see and hear what other husbands do with their kids. He always sais that he is busy but he does find the time for the computer or TV.

I consulted the website already but I just wanted to know from others how much a dad should be helping with childcare. Is 4 hours a week enough ? I stopped asking for help because I am so tired of the guilt trip he gives me later on that I just do it myself. I would love to get to know other women in this situation. Maybe we can give each other emotional support.

The stay-at-home moms I know consider caring for their children and their home to be their job in the same sense that their husbands' programming computers or defending lawsuits or whatever is his job -- and both of them have regular working hours and regular off duty hours. In most cases, when the husband *is* home (evenings, weekends), he is the one primarily responsible for the child(ren) while the wife may take care of other chores like cooking dinner, and every weekend, either the family does something fun together, or the father takes care of the child while mom has some ''me time'', or both.

Your husband should not be ''helping'' you. He should be doing HIS share of caring for HIS child and HIS house, just as he would have to if you were working outside the home.

How to accomplish that given that he doesn't seem willing to pull his weight is a different question, which you may want to ask for help with. But do not feel at all shy about insisting that he do his fair share. A few hours a week of ''babysitting'' (who ''babysits'' their own child?) is not his fair share no matter whether you work or how much either of you earns. Holly

Maybe you won't be able to get him to aggree to this. But, I think you and he should know that his refusal suggests either a serious attitude problem (his behavior is NOT ok) or perhaps he has a medical condition and can get a doctor's excuse?? Just my two cents, Karlyn

ps, I was a stay at home mom for about two years and I just recently went back to work. Now I have 3 jobs! But, luckily my husband understands that he shares two of them with me. Karlyn

We don't have much money, but we managed to budget in a housecleaner. That freed me up so much. Even twice a month just to do the major cleaning. I don't have to race around as much when I get a free minute. I think of that as part of my hubby's contribution, but still wish he did more. But I want more household help and less criticism.

I think you are right in wanting your husband to have a larger hand in helping not only for your sake, but to have a closer relationship to his daughter. Once I stopped nursing, my husband took over the bedtime reading and they now have a special time each night. Of course, that's now when I clean the kitchen!

You asked if 4 hours a week was enough. I don't think it can be measured in hours though -- there are other ways to help. Things your family could do: your husband could pick up a take- out dinner once a week. Look into some classes like Music Together or something that you husband could do without you while you slept-in or got your nails done or whatever on Saturday mornings. On the weekends I find that we need to plan outings for the three of us since I don't get a break if we stay home.

I also suggest that you get some date nights with your husband to reconnect before the resentment builds too much. Try to find positive ways to talk about it. He needs to know that you need some time for yourself before you snap. (OK, maybe I'm projecting my own situation a bit) Try to see his point of view - is there a time when it's easier for him to contribute? Maybe he doesn't feel confident with your daughter, maybe he doesn't know what to do.

Good luck. And good for you for working out and teaching your daughter German. She'll get the English soon enough, I wouldn't worry. -been there and still trying

But in fairness to the dads, I know women friends and family members who keep this situation going by unconsciously claiming the house as their domain, relegating their husbands to a sort of incompetent guest visitor status. (OK, I'm guilty of this too) Often we set up a situation where the dad needs to check in with us for every household or parenting decision, no matter how trivial, from what to have for dinner to how the baby gets put to bed. It isn't fair to ask someone to take more responsibility if you are claiming it all for yourself. So, if you really want to be a team at home rather than a household manager wife with a husband assistant, then you will probably have to hand over the reins sometimes, and step out of the picture, and let him do it his way instead of your way. In my case this means I have to keep quiet when dinner is microwaved sausages and bananas, and the baby gets rocked to sleep in front of the computer monitor while Dad is reading email. But, as they say, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen (and let him go in there instead and cook sausages and bananas.) Ginger

Having struggled for the last 15 years t get my man to contribute equally to the household is a constant battle but one I refuse to give up just because I am tired of fighting it because that's a loser. A father should take care of the kid as much as as needed and no you shouldn't have to ask but you'll continue to have to because that won't change. My advice would be to continue to talk about it- not nag it - but keep having frank discussions about it all- how tired it all makes you, how you need a break sometimes to and how it makes you feel when he doesn't want/initate care. Develop a schedule ahead of time liek the routine of your going to the gym. Put in other times every week at the same time that you go away and leave them. Those are just some suggestions to use or not but know you aren't alone- you are justified in feeling frustrated and angry about it and just rememebr to keep communication open and honest. Good luck!
another overworked, underpaid mommy

But I also have friends who have an agreement that the wife will be the primary caretakes of the child until he's 6 or 7. She's the one who wants the kids so for them that's what's fair. anon

I read somewhere that a father's biggest obstacle in becoming involved in their child's upbringing is opportunity. If he never is given the chance to father, he's never going to get good at it.

To his benefit, he is watching the baby while you go to the gym, so he's not all that bad. I would maybe start adding one half hour or so, and provide him with plenty of breast milk or forumula to last three hours or more. I think the more he becomes involved, the more he will feel competent, and the more engaged he will become.

Challenge him to take the baby for a walk in public, go for a loaf of bread at the store, or just a cup of coffee. Play on his competitive male nature to see if he responds, it's worth a try. Good luck. anon

While I didn't want to get into an arguement where we compared how much we worked....this turned out to be the thing that helped. We sat down and decided what sort of activities constituted ''work.'' My husband agreed that childcare (esp taking care of another child!) and housework were included as ''work.'' Then when we each calculated our hours, it turned out that I was working 110 hours a week and my husband was working 55. And the hours you work should be weighed according to how much you are doing. For example, I often clean and take care of our son at the same time, so that time counts for double hours. And if you are taking care of your child and someone else's child at the same time, that should count as double hours.

It sounds to me like you are doing a lot more than your husband. Just because he gets paid for the work he does doesn't mean that what you do is less valuable. Have you ever heard the term ''the invisible work of women?'' It describes how women who raise children or take care of households work just as hard as men but are not acknowledged by society, are given no financial reimbursement, and are basically not valued. Esp in a society that values people based on their paycheck.

I think you need to do a major renegotiation with your husband. No matter what it takes, he needs to acknowledge how much you are doing.

For us, another thing that helped was to hire a housecleaner once a week and get a babysitter for one weekday or weekend day so that you both can have some ''time off.''

Another thing that helped was that at around 10 months old, my husband started taking over the responsiblity of putting our child to bed. This was a major step forward. He actually really enjoys it. He has figured out how best to put our child to bed without any input from me, they read books, etc. And it gives me an hour or so in the evening to have some time alone.

We also figured out some other things that my husband would do without being asked. (the asking is the worst part b/c then they feel you are a nag, so they have to have a few chores that they do without being asked). Now my husband knows that it is his reponsiblity to clean the dishes after dinner. He is also supposed to take out the trash when it is full (but he hasn't quite caught on to this one yet.)

Anyway, however you do it, somehow you must convince him that you need to renegotiate chores. If you can just think of some things he would agree to do every night that you don't have to nag about, I think that would help. good luck

I suggest activities to my husband that he might do together with the kids -- sometimes he does them, sometimes he doesn't, and other times he comes up with his own plan and that's great too because it's different from what I would do. What has really helped our children to bond with him is my leaving for 2 hours every Sat. and Sun. and about 8 hours 1-2 times a month (my PT business requires that time away). My husband has more of an appreciation of what I do, and he's happily suprised when the kids run to him instead of me. It's been wonderful for our family for him to have that alone time with them. What I've learned (thanks to a communicative husband) is that men don't really respond well to nagging. They actually dig their heels in so as not to give in to it. It's better to provide some fun suggestions, ideas, etc.. and then just let it go and see what happens. Maybe you could arrange to be away (take a class, work out more, something that would require you to be away on a regular basis). Good luck. am

I think my husband ends up doing 50-55% of the childcare when he's at home, (he travels a fair bit, so I'm on my own then) because sometimes after all day with my child, I just really need a mental break from him. I *really* need it. We have a cleaning lady every other week, is that something you could afford?

Ask your husband how he'd like to work 3 or 4 more hours a day, plus all weekend, because that is what he is expecting of you. Sometimes I think working people think all we stay at home moms (or dads) do is watch oprah and talk on the phone, and it is true that being a stay at home mom has some perks, but so do many jobs. I use to work a ''real job'' & I know I wasn't working every minute of the day, sometimes I'd send personal e-mails, talk to co-workers, or take a brief walk. Just like as a SAHM I can go for a walk, occasionally send e-mails (like now) and sometimes take a nap when my baby does. The difference is I don't go home at five, and then have a weekend away from my job.

You believe he needs to help you more; you need to talk with him tell him how you feel, he has to know in his heart that you are right, and he will help you more. good luck

How do other people divide the responsibilities of childcare, paid labor, and taking care of all the little things to keep life running smoothly? curious to see how others do it

On a separate but related issue, my husband died when my kids were 7 and 3. Most of what I've read says kids don't remember stuff from that age. However, both children still talk about him, 6 years later. As a result of his involvement in their lives -- helping with the diapering, feeding, bedtimes, and park time -- they knew him so well that there are lots of memories. Had he just come home and read the newspaper, they wouldn't have had the same memories. Mom with helpful husband