• Never-ending Trouble with Boyfriends Ex Wife
• How to Get Ex-Spouse to go to Co-Parent Counseling
• Attraction to ex-boyfriend
• My husband's ex wants more child support

• Advice about Divorce
• Child Support
• Blended Families & Step-parenting

Never-ending Trouble with Boyfriends Ex Wife

My love has an ex that can't move on with her life. She's controlling, seems to have knee-jerk responses to the smallest little things, and then tries to set up ''dates'' under the guise of ''it would be good for the daughter (8 1/2) if they all had dinner together''. The regular bizarre behavior intensifies when she splits up with her on again, off again boyfriend (who even tells his friends he's with her ''for convenience''). We've been together for just over 2 years, and she knows I'm not going anywhere and that if anything, things are looking like we'll be living together soon. I thought this behavior would pass, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Me and my best friend even saw her drive by his apartment the other day! My boyfriend tries to make everyone happy, and says things like ''this is why I'm with you and not her'', or ''she must have split up with her boyfriend again'' and just generally tries to ignore her antics and just go along with things. Their divorce has been final 1 1/2 years, and they were separated for 5 years (after a rotten sexless marriage of 3 years - except for her affairs). My friends think it's hilarious - I would too perhaps if I wasn't living it. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Hopeful

My husband finally drew the line with his Ex about 3 years into our marriage, and I wouldn't live those 3 years again for anything.
--The Middle Is A Lousy Place To Be

I wish I could shield my partner from him completely, I wish I could control his behavior. It's hard to know what to do. Taking him to court seems to get nowhere and just causes added disruption for the kids. The more I ignore it and just stay firm and don't get wrapped up in his game/perspective, the better it seems to be. I keep wishing he'd start another relationship in hopes that he'd let go of his pain -- but then maybe he's not ripe for a relationship in that state! The bottom line is, I can't control him!

My partner is gracious and doesn't tell me what to do or make a big deal of things. But he is also supportive when I get so frustrated that I need to vent, or when I ask him for advice. I try to just be upfront and honest about the facts of what are going on and how I'm feeling. For the most part, he doesn't say much, and I love him for that. I try to focus most of my energy on my ''now'' relationship and think about the ex only when I need to deal with him in relation to the kids.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I wanted to share with you what it might feel from your boyfriend's perspective.
Embarrassed of Ex

How to Get Ex-Spouse to go toCo-Parent Counseling

I share halftime custody with my ex-husband of a terrific 6 year old boy. We had a difficult marriage (verbal and emotional abuse) and contentious divorce. We were ordered by the court to attend co-parenting counseling. This was the one and only place that I was able to address parenting issues and there would be some accountability to this third person. We did this for about two years. We have been out of the courts now for some time and he refuses to go back to counseling with me. By way of background, he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder exacerbated by alcoholism. I caused him great ''injury'' by leaving him 4 years ago. Every communication since then (via email since we don't talk in person or phone) is filled with blame/accusation, assertions that he is the better parent, and a whole bevy of delusion/projection/condescension. It's taken a long while but I am able to be fairly nonchalant in my reaction to this communication. However, it is impossible to have a normal conversation about sharing cost of an expense for our child, or negotiating vacation time, or getting him to do homework, or sharing the responsibility of taking our son to the dentist and doctor, etc.) He stretches the confines of our custody agreement, scultping whatever is convenient for him in any gray area. I am at wit's end. I can't use the courts to sue him to go to counseling. He hasn't done anything inappropriate in front of any witnesses (though plenty without witness). Our son is doing well in school, appears to be able to adapt to the two different cultures he is exposed to but I do have major concerns about how long my kid will do okay with the unacknowledged, un-dealt with heavy hostility from dad towards mom (At three, my son was coming home saying ''daddy says mommy is a bitch'' and a year ago he'd say stuff like, ''I hate daddy cause he says mean things about you mommy'' but I haven't heard anything like this for awhile and he does genuinely love his father). Has anyone else tried to get a co- parent into counseling so that other basic parenting and custody issues and changes can be discussed? I'd appreciate any legal or practical advice. Anonymous

Your child is only going to become angry, resentful and very confused if this continues. You state that the father has Narcissistic Personality -- is that diagnosed by you or a physician? If it's a real diagnosis, and your child is telling you the nasty things the father is saying, you do have a leg to stand on in court. You might also want to talk to your pediatrician about this, as your child's future emotional health is at risk.
-- My son's father is crazy, too

Attraction to ex-boyfriend

Hello - I just found out my ex-boyfriend got married over the weekend. He was the first person I fell in love with (I was in my early twenties) and I was distraught when he had to leave the country for a job opportunity. I was heartbroken for a long time - years. He and I had limited contact except for one occasion several years later at a mutual friend's wedding where he told me he was still in love with me and he was saddened that we didn't work out. I was not happy to hear this as I was engaged and my fiancé was in the next room. I tried to blow off that conversation and even suppressed it, angered that this was coming out at a friend’s wedding and I was no longer single.

I love my husband but he's so different from the first man I fell in love with and that's depressing me. It's horrible to say but I was passionately, sexually aroused by my first boyfriend and I haven’t been passionately, sexually aroused by my husband. I fell in love with my husband for his wonderful personality, loving and caring nature among many other qualities. Sexually desiring my husband didn’t really make a big difference to me until now.

Is this normal? Am I a candidate for marriage counseling? Do people still think about their first love? Do you ever compare the two people? Does everyone desire their husband or wife and are passionately/sexually attracted to him or her? Again, I love my husband and I don't know what I would do without him. We have a sex life it's just not what it was with my ex.

Thanks in advance for reading and providing any advice or thoughts. anon

I, like you, fell in love with my husband because of his kindness and personality. but never felt that overwhelming sexual attraction. And for a long time I fantasized about that old boyfriend -- even though I loved my husband and didn't know what I would do without him. But now, after 13+ years of marriage and the birth of a child, my perspective is really different. I would MUCH, MUCH rather have a kind, funny, gentle, generous partner who makes a great father and is supportive of me as a total person, than an overwhelmingly sexy partner. Sexual attraction just doesn't matter that much.

I saw that old boyfriend earlier this year, and not only felt nothing, but was really glad I didn't end up with him. My husband and I have a very good chance of remaining married for the whole of our lives. That old boyfriend and I would probably be divorced by now. My husband and I briefly saw a marriage counselor, right after our child was born, to work on rebalancing work/household chores and other issues (divorce was never a question). As I explained it to that therapist, I chose my husband with my head first, my heart second, and my body last. She not only didn't think it was an issue that I didn't have that sexual attraction, she seemed to think I had made my choice in a very good way.

So even though what you feel is confusing, I don't think it's anything to be terribly concerned about. anonymous

That being said, I know it is hard to forget about certain people sometimes. I have been to counseling after the divorce to discuss ''the special man'' and it did not help. Hopefully, someone else can come up with suggestions on how to forget unforgettable people. anon

Some of these passionate attractions that get us in the gut can also be teasers and not realistic. If they were consummated, other unseen issues would arise and the fantasy of passion would fade. I chased an old female friend who I was in love with for 10 years, and when I was finally single again and available, she professed extreme desire. Long story short, she avoided me constantly in reality but talked desire and intention on the phone. I chased her and waited for a year before she chose someone who would obviously hurt her and even then she still said we would get together someday.

My current partner and I have very different wants for physical affection and I did not see this until recently. She is an awesome mom and incredible human, yet she leaves me desiring more often. What you are feeling I think happens much more than we would guess. Some people try to find solutions with intense honesty to their partners. Relationships I think will always get intense and test us to our very core with something we do not perceive until we are in the relationship deeply. My partner and I have talked about an open relationship, but have never done it. We share attractions we experience with others openly to each other in an air of trust and understanding and that has been very healthy for us. I think this is an issue that has yet to reach a place of understanding and maturity with all of us in our modern society. There is more fear and suppression going around than we would like to acknowledge. Love your partner and yourself and I hope you find wisdom and a good solution for your heart and tummy. rlitt

Not marriage counseling, but just talk to a counselor who will help you explore why you don't feel as happy as you believe you would be with another man. Many times, we blame our dissatisfaction with life on our lover or spouse, when in reality, this unhappiness is due to our own loss of purpose or sense of being unaccomplished.

Once you have worked through these issues with yourself, then you can decide whether marriage counseling is appropriate. I would highly recommend sitting down with your husband and telling him that you have not been happy lately. Don't blame him, but let him know you are going to seek counseling to try and sort it all out in your mind. If he's a loving man, he will be more than supportive of your efforts to be happy and you may fall deeper in love with him than you ever loved your ex.

good luck. Anon

So, to answer your question, you're not alone. Helplessly Hoping

LUCKILY he was clueless enough to not realize how intensely I wanted him, and LUCKILY I had just enough reason and reserve left to not go quite over the edge with the obsession. With time, the obsession faded and now when I think of him, the only thing I feel is relief, that I didn't do anything stupid. Since then, a couple of woman friends have confided that they have had similar intense obsessions. My theory is that there is some hormonal thing that kicks in towards the later part of our childbearing years, that makes us go crazy with the desire to procreate some more before it's too late. I don't know about this, but whatever it was, it turned me, a well-adjusted sensible person, into a raving sex-crazed lunatic! Hang in there

I also had a girlfriend in high school that was my first love, but she moved away to the East Coast with her parents, and I pined for her for many years. In fact, I did not date for years in case she happened to move back. Like you, I had limited contact with her, mostly through letters, and I was always anguished to read in letters that she still cared for me. Then, she married another, and I married my wife. However, the emotional tie to the other woman remained unresolved within me.

From reading your mail, I hear a bit of a ''the grass is greener'' feeling within you. If you're like me, you have an idealized view of that time when you and this man were dating, and the movie plays in your head that ''life would be perfect if I had married him instead''.

Unfortunately, this is a lie, fed to us by popular media. We see many images of people coupling, divorcing, and trysting in movies and TV. Ilicit sex and adultrous drama sells, but should not be considered a normal part of monogamous relationships.

(Donning the Dr. Phil hat) You were called to love the man you are married to. I understand the emotional attachment you have to the fantasy of the other man you loved. That part is normal. But he is married now, and that is the reality of the situation. Divorce rates are staggering, and break many hearts and lives. You must guard yourself against that road. Your role is to honor his marriage as well as your own. (doff hat)

Your husband loves you, and he might suspect that you are missing something in your sexual relationship with him. Or, he might not know you are wanting more romance and passion, and for the sake of your marriage, he needs to know.

You already feel it within that you think you could benefit from marriage counseling. Opening communication with your husband about your sexual feelings will be a difficult process, and you will need a support system in place. Thus, I encourage you to seek an outside source of wisdom. Individual counseling, marriage counseling, pastoral counseling. Make sure it is face-to-face time with someone who has had a long, successful marriage and has been in your shoes. We all have these ''grass is greener'' feelings, and they need to be validated by a trusted source.

Validation of your feelings is different from condoning you to act on adultrous desires. Don't listen to the lie--you will be destroyed from indulging in the temptation. Any voice that advises you to leave your husband (physically or emotionally) is not to be trusted.

Once the communication lines are opened with your husband, encourage him to learn the art of pleasing you...and make it seem like it's his idea. :) Your husband, I would wager, desires to be a better lover to you. However, stop comparing him to others, even within your mind. It is eroding his ego, and eroding your commitment to the covenant of marriage.

It is tough to let go of a dream about someone you loved. Battles like these are won in the attitude of the heart. Love always hopes, and love always trusts. Obviously, hearing of this other man's marriage brought up old, unresolved feelings within you. You need to work through these feelings, let the love for him die, and fill the empty hole that will be left with love for your husband.

As for me, I attended the marriage of my former girlfriend. Although it was a tough transition, she and I were able through calls and visits to transform our feelings into a non-romantic friendship. We sat and discovered that I felt led on by her letters, and when she said she ''cared for me'', it was as a life-long friend''. We had some painful, but healing conversations. Her new husband was understanding, and I made it a point to get to know him and understand why she loves him, from her point of view. Then, I had to go through the grieving process to let the romantic love for her die. I prayed, I received pastoral counseling, and I read some self-help books for romantic ideas to fall in love with my wife all over again. My first love is now a positive memory, and was an important part of my maturity and coming of age. But now I know the fulfillment and importance of loving my wife, and letting her know when I'm having a tough time emotionally. Sharing with her my doubts and fears, and knowing that she loves me anyway, is worth more to me than anything in this world.

I will be praying for you--take care. + Tom

I think my husband was the best boyfriend I ever had (and the best husband, I've been married twice). But sometimes I do wonder what a relationship with another man would be like, and I think that is normal. What is not good is fantasizing too much about someone else or acting upon your fantasies. Try to find a way to feel passionate about your husband.

I don't believe there is only one true love or only one Mr. Right for each of us. Instead I think there are shades of right, many possible partners. Marriage is an agreement to live as partners with one other person and to love one another and be true to one another, in passionate times and not-so passionate times, and build a life together.

Don't ruin your marriage. I took up with my old boyfriend during my first marriage, so I can speak from experience. Once you cross the line, you can never go back. Go rent the movie Unfaithful. I saw it and it was a chilling reminder (even though my husband did not kill my boyfriend) of the consequences... anon