I want a divorce but husband doesn't

Parents - Can anyone offer me advice about divorce? I am so brokenhearted about this, but I have tried for years to fix a marriage that cannot be fixed. My husband just can't stand me, and rages at me constantly - and in front of our child. And yet for some reason he resists divorce. I haven't wanted a divorce, but it has been years and it's just getting worse. And yes, we have seen counselors twice, to no avail. I need to somehow find the courage to leave.

I don't know what steps to take. I have tried to talk to him calmly about us separating. I have asked, courteously, if he would consider moving out, and he says no. So although I know it's recommended that women try to stay in the home, I think I need to just leave. I have no idea what steps to take, if any, before renting a place and moving. I need to at least have joint custody of my little one, who is my world and only 3. I don't know what I need to do to make sure I don't risk losing this. And I am a little concerned about my husband's temper - not that I fear physical violence, but over the long haul I worry about how he will behave alone with our son. His temper just seems so bad.

Anyway - if anyone can tell me anything helpful, I will be so grateful. Thank you. sw

Get the support of your friends and family. Let them know what's going on and that you will be needing their help.

Get your finances in order. Start saving money for yourself and your child. Get your own bank account and credit card. You might also want to get another cell phone.

Get a lawyer. Explain to them about your husband's temper, what you want for custody etc. Lawyers around here are not so cheap but I found it was good to have someone who had real authority running the discussions, also they set up child support, spousal support etc.

If you can afford it, see a counselor on your own. They can help you plan when to move, and also help you deal with your emotions about leaving your marriage.

After this stuff is in place, I would start looking at apartments.

Good luck. Your own happiness and the happiness of your child is worth it. been there

My divorce lawyer didn't even want to hear any reasons or emotion at all, just the facts about income, kids, and property.

There are formulas for child support and who gets what. Try not to stress about all the terrible things that could happen, hope it goes smoothly and look toward the future. --happily divorced

If you are at all afraid of your husband, or if you are afraid for your child in the least, talk to a domestic violence (DV) expert. Make a specific plan for leaving with a counselor - whether or not you or your child have ever been hurt. Planning will make everything go more smoothly. DV counselors are more aware than most people of all the decisions and preparations you will need to make.

Finally, line up good solid personal support - friends who will check in on you or send your cards or e-mails, people you can talk freely with, people whose company you like, people who think well of you. This is a difficult process, but very worthwhile. I wish you strength and success. Been There, Too.

Let's assume the ultimatum gets you nowhere. Say nothing and find an attorney through the BPN Reviews- must be in your county and must be a divorce and family law specialist. See them for one hour, and ask what papers to get together. Really, a lot of divorce at first is photocopying your darned financial documents. Get your data together, bring it to your attorney, and ask what's next. (Wait until January 2- this will be hard enough as it is). Best of luck. Been There.

How to keep the house if divorced?

To make a very long story short, after 23 years together,16 years of marriage, three children, 2 years of couples counseling and his two affairs(one night stand and 3 month fling- so he says) I have decided that I can no longer stay in this relationship. I am missing three key ingredients to a successful marriage: trust,respect and love (TRL). We have both caused each other many hurts over the years and we both have worked very hard to stay together. But I am ready (and scared to death) to call it what it is: over. (advice wanted April 7)

We bought our house back in 1993. After our third child in 2000 I have been pretty much a SAHM. I have had a couple of temporary jobs;filling in for people on maternity leave. With the state of the economy and me not having a job it has been hard to reach the decision to break up. But after much thought and finding out about these two affairs,which he insists meant nothing to him, I am ready to move on. And I actually got offered a temp position last Friday. I'll take it as a sign. I am hoping I can get my foot in the door and when this position is over I can find another one, hopefully permanent.

OK what is my question you are wondering? This is it. Is there any chance/hope that I can keep the house? I have checked rentals and there is not much you can get for what we pay in mortgage. Definitely can't get a 4bd/2th house. I have looked up options and what I have found is these three: 1. Sell the house 2. Buy the other one out 3. Co-Own up to a certain time (ie. youngest reaches 18)

I don't want to sell because there is nothing affordable that I could buy. I can't buy him out because I don't have the money and if we refinanced to get more money so I could buy him out, then the mortgage would be too high. I am wondering if there is anyone out there who has co-owned. And what are my chances of such a deal? My main concern is for the kids (his too) and I know they would be happier and feel more secure if they could stay in the home they have always known. Thanks, Anon

I assume that your husband is the one leaving the home behind (I was the one who left in our case). I am also going to assume, just given what you have written here, that the court will order child support from him to you based on your respective incomes and you will also probably be able to get spousal support based on the length of your marriage (half the length of a long marriage is a rule-of-thumb payment period, though it's negotiable), also based on your respective incomes and your potential earning power for the future. In our case I could see, as you can now see, that it would not be possible for one of us to buy the other out. Nor would it be possible, given the present housing market and our reduced incomes, for us to find a living situation for our child as nice as the house I had left behind.

After a lot of soul-searching, I decided that it was most important for my (12-yr-old) son to be able to stay in his life-long home. I also felt that forcing my son's dad to move at a moment when he was emotionally and financially very vulnerable would make it harder for him to get work (he had not been employed during our marriage) and be a good parent. It was in the best interests of our son, definitely, for me to give up for the time being the idea of selling the house and getting my equity out.

So we made an agreement to continue to co-own until my son graduates from high school. It was hard to give up access to my share of the equity at a time when I had accrued debts by moving, buying a car, and paying a lot of support. So we made a clause in the agreement that said that my ex would sign onto a home equity loan in case I needed to take out some portion of my equity before the sale. And we also said that if he were for some reason unable to keep up payments, we could sell, with the first buy-out option belonging to me. And -- and this was very important to me -- we negotiated a steady reduction in spousal support year by year so that I could anticipate how much I would be obligated to pay and for how long. Your case is rather different -- you were a SAHM for a long while, you had three kids instead of one, you were not staying at home in order to forward a career that failed (as did my ex, a writer), etc. But this could be a negotiating point nevertheless.

Note that all bets may be off if your ex decides he wants to buy you out -- if he can do that, he might be able to push hard for it. But you have strong arguments on your side, given what you have said about your circumstances. I live in a reasonably priced, reasonably OK apartment less than a mile from my ex. It has been hard to accept that the house I paid for is no longer available to me, and I can't buy another for now. But my son's best interests convinced me. Maybe your kids' dad will be convinced as well. It's definitely worth negotiating. happily divorced

Husband wants divorce, I'm a SAHM

My husband wants a divorce and he wants it ASAP. But, we have two young children and I want to make sure they are well taken care of. I've been at home with the kids for the last 5+ yrs. My husband works long hours as a litigator but says that he wants the kids 50% of the time. I'm pretty sure his motivation there is financial, so what can I do?

I was a preschool teacher before I had kids and have started subbing this school year. I didn't make much $$ before we had kids and I won't make much in the near future. So, I want to make sure our divorce agreement takes that into account. Plus, I obviously have no benefits or healthcare alone.

Also, we have talked about the house and about keeping the kids in one home for as long as possible (maybe up to one year). Hopefully, we will do well selling the house a year from now, but I'm wondering how to make sure everything works out fairly. THANK YOU!

Having the divorce conversation

After several years of ignoring the little voice in my head, I have finally reached the point where I am admitting that my marriage is not right and I should take steps to end it. Although I am very sad to confront this reality, I feel sure of my decision. My immediate concern is that I suspect my husband will be totally blindsided by the idea of separating or divorcing (despite the fact that we have not had sex or much physical affection in at least 2 years and have an amicable but distant roommate and co-parent relationship). I love my husband as a person and do not want to cause him unneeded suffering. I would also very much like to be able to pursue mediation or NOLO options for our split and shared custody, etc, but I recognize that I am at a completely different place in terms of acknowledging and accepting the depth of our problem and the situation. What I am looking for here is concrete and practical advice from anyone who has been on either side of a 'surprise' break up, regarding what to (or not to) do or say in breaking the news and having the subsequent needed conversations. I know there is no way to make this process painless, but I would like to try to avoid any big errors that will just make things harder in the future. Thanks for any words of wisdom you can share. don't want to burn the bridge

All of our ex's said things like, I have had enough, I can't take this, but none was direct and clear about the possibility the marriage was over. We all resented that our ex's had already decided to end it before telling us, so there was no way to save it. We all resented that our ex's friends and family knew about our marital problems before we did. Didn't we vow to be honest?

Advice: Bring it up with him tonight, be direct, don't use another relationship to help/justify ending this one, give yourself time before starting a new relationship, find out why you are so unhappy (it is not all him), give him specifics if there are things you feel can't be fixed, be prepared to happier, and also be prepared that he too might be happier. Good luck! Signed: That would have been nice to know

Divorcing and neighbors taking sides

We are divorcing and unfortunately my husband has turned our neighbors against me and I feel really sad about this. We have been very close for a long time, and although they don't know the whole story, as no one ever can, they have decided that I am the bad guy and have apparantly said demeaning things about me and have also yelled at me on the sidewalk. They are very nice people, but apparantly do not understand that it is not helpful to take sides. In my discussions with neighbors and/or mutual friends, I have said explicitly the only side is that of our children, and although I discuss my perspective, I make it clear that it is only my perspective. My kids have been very close to these people since they were very little. Now it is awkward when we run into them. I try to be polite, however it is obvious to the kids that something has changed. I also miss their friendship. I don't know whether to approach them or to just let this run its course. My kids are in grade school, and I will be staying in the home I have lived in for 15 years, before I even knew my husband. sad and confused

He won't leave - should I move out?

Our 13 year marriage has become unbearable for many reasons, primarily my husband's unwillingness to contribute income and ''maintenance'' to the family in the form of giving me (the unwilling but de facto breadwinner) a break by taking care of household management at least so that I can spend some fun time with my daughter, myself, my husband, friends, etc. He has also become mean and intransigent and dug in about his lifestyle of choice--doing whatever he wants whenever he wants. In other words, he doesn't even pretend that a grown-up parent has a responsibility to generate income while our daughter is in school so that I can take time off, and/or take over household management for the same reason--my sanity. There is nothing left between us, but he says he doesn't want to divorce. The worst of it is that he insists upon dragging our daughter through every gory detail of what he thinks is wrong with me and how all I do is complain and then, he says to her that, ''mommy's kicking me out''. He says he refuses to leave before the holidays, even though I made it clear during the summer that we are through. He has no access to money, as I finally had to take his name off all of our accounts as he ran up thousands in credit card bills every month. I have offered to pay his attorney fees if he moves out (my house before we married)--he declined, however I know if I get a court order, he will drag our daughter through a meat grinder and use her as a weapon in his war against me. I know, I chose a looser, but should I get him out NOW and cause my daughter to suffer through her favorite time of year, or, should I just quietly move out and see my daughter when I can, and let the lawyers work out the final agreement and then move back in? Broken-hearted and finished

Your email says it all. You've already made the decision. Now, make it happen. Take back the power. Consult a GOOD attorney (preferably a referal) and find someone who will fight hard on your behalf. You and your daughter deserve better! caring friend

Filed the papers, now how to do the next step?

Married almost a decade, but wanting to end it for a long time (retained a lawyer a couple years ago!)The divorce papers have now been filed and I'm ''scared'' to take the next step - telling husband that I'm going forward. I have been saying this for many months - told him again very seriously in March. Him having a female ''friend'' past 6 months makes it a bit easier (do I really believe he is sleeping on her couch?)He denies everything and says he doesn't want a divorce. It's been years of arguing and verbal abuse. Not good for our nine year old. Spent many years alone and in couples therapy. Another big reason has been due to finances...his ''retail therapy'' has put us into debt since early on. I have a small $$ cushion, he doesn't (maxed out cards-no savings). Little equity in the house - which I want to try and keep - but will he leave? I have to write him emails-he cannot talk calmly; might react violently. Not sure how to tell our child. I have great support from friends. Sorry if this sounds choppy..looking for advice/someone's experience with ending a marriage. Thanks moving slowly, but getting there

there are no hard and fast rules, i would really suggest going through mediation rather than lawyers. divorce lawyers can be nasty and cost A LOT of money. even though my soontobe ex husband and i have a lot of animosity, we were able to negotiate in mediation. i have to tell you no one will get exactly what they want, but it is worth it to end a bad marriage that just hurts everyone. good luck! juiet

He's having second thoughts - should I give it another go?

After about 10 months of being totally withdrawn from the relationship and not willing to talk about why or go to counseling, my husband finally told me he thinks we should split up. Outside the relationship he seems like a nice guy, which in many ways he is, but the burden of raising our child, taking care of our home and finances fell to me. I've always wanted a parntership where we shared responsibilities, but relented when he seemed so overwhelmed with work. I thought I was being a supportive wife and felt okay about shouldering most of the responsibility until I realized that he is obsessed with his work and was really quite comfortable having me do everything, and I mean everything except some kind of special project and taking out the garbage.

Long story short, I became resentful, asked him to take on some of the responsibility, he'd say okay, never follow through, and the resentment would build. There's lot's more to the whole dynamic, but to some of you the familiar theme of wife as the ultimate nag must be resonating, no? Here's one of my burning questions- how do other women take it all on and not resent it? Personally, I really can't do it all and even if I could, I don't want to.

After a few weeks of trying to sort out what my life will be like after a divorce, I think my husband is having second thoughts. I have been through the wringer emotionally and this is not the first time he wanted to bail on the relationship. Over 6 years ago we went through couples counseling for a few years when he wanted out before. The relationship flourished for some time, but with really tight finances it was impossible to do the once a week date thing, and he would never initiate anything anyway. So, here's my second question-for the sake of my child do I give it another go even though my hearts not in it? My third question-just how bad does it feel to have to move out of your own home, have to shuffle your child between two households, and know you may never be able to buy another home in the Bay Area? If the relationship can't be saved, I would at least like to find a way to keep my home. For those of you who have been through the same and can offer some helpful advice I would really appreciate it, including referrals to lawyers. Thank you! annonymous

''How hard is it?'' It is hard. It is hard in different but big and life-changing ways. Several factors affect the difficulty level - family in the area, owning a home, independent income producing capacity, his personality/degree of spite he might display through financial fighting/withholding, flaunting a girfriend, using the kids... The home ownership thing is major, although if you are half owner of a house, you have some leverage and a lawyer could tell you how to best use that. BTW, why must you and the kids uproot yourselves, couldn't you kick him out? The courts favor stability for kids. Personally, I wouldn't change my decision to leave the guy like that in my former life (with kids and no home) because being so untrue to myself I would die inside.

All that being said, it's not to be taken lightly obviously. See that lawyer so you know where you stand AND if there is a shred of a chance that counseling could help - if you have not closed down and don't love him any more - the expense of counseling is a tiny fraction of the expense of divorce, especially for the woman sorry to say. It sounds like he did respond to having his behavior monitored by a third party before. Inner change is preferable but there may be hope there. If there's a chance, I'd beg, borrow, or steal the money to go to counseling. As they say, you can't afford NOT to. been there

Marriage not working, therapy not working - attorney?

I am seriously considering divorce after less than a year of marriage, which is devastating to me. We have tried counseling, but my husband has dismissed the techniques we've learned there as ''stupid'', is angry about the time it takes away from his work, and I've realized that his past demons (being molested, emotionally abused and more) preclude him from committing to our marriage, being present, or even dealing with the day-to-day. And he has said that he's not interested in how I feel, is not able to fully commit because he needs an exit strategy. So it's not all guess work on my part.

So I now find that I need some advice from a family law or divorce attorney on how best to protect myself and my preschool son, whom my husband has absolutely no legal claim to (he is not his biological or adoptive father) but has threatened to press for shared custody - one week with me and one week with him, even though my husband is gone most nights. Not a good situation for my baby, especially since I made a career change to be able to work from home and be near him. To complicate things, we have a new baby coming in a month. Whom my husband has no feelings for whatsoever - and has stated that in front of others - but will fight for as a possession. I'm freaked out, and worried about money - I am the primary breadwinner and own most of the house based on monthly contribution and downpayment, but I'm worried that my husband will be vindictive and fight me every step of the way. I need an attorney who can tell me how to prepare for all of this and protect myself and my kids before I formally file for divorce.

I know this is long and more information than anyone needs to know, but having the devastating realization that this isn't going to work has left me a bit incoherent. I will also not have the support of my family, which makes it worse. Thank you for any advice or attorney names you can provide Devastated

However, by all means, do give marriage therapy a chance before throwing in the towel. It is often tempting out of fear and frustration to give up and become defensive, but until you and your husband have turned over every stone which you haven't yet, you should not be considering divorce. My advice is to first talk to your therapist about how the therapy is not working. If your therapist isn't responsive, then you will need to find a new marriage therapist. I know you are afraid but you must be strong and hold on to the hope that you and your husband can save the marriage and the love that brought the two of you together in the first place Anon

My heart goes out to you. I am going through a divorce right now from a much longer marriage, and it is emotionally very difficult, even though I wanted the divorce and my husband didn't. I, too, was the breadwinner. I, too, have a vindictive former spouse. I would advise you to seek out a strong network of supportive friends and both legal counsel and therapy. Your pregnancy makes you that much more vulnerable emotionally and financially, and you are in great need of supportive voices, since it sounds as if you have had plenty of destructive voice in your life.

You should consult a lawyer to figure out which rights and responsibilities each of you has. If you have been the breadwinner, you may have to pay spousal support, though your marriage was short enough to perhaps avoid that.

I hope you have friends to support you if indeed your family will not -- don't assume that they will not without asking however, because I was surprised to find that my conservative, religious family members supported me to the hilt. I was narrow-minded that way. You can ask to contact me via the parents' network if you want to talk.

sending good wishes your way,
another divorcing mom

Divorce - dealing with anger

After being quite unhappy and badly treated for a long while, I finally filed for divorce from my longtime (20 years) h. He claimed we should stay together for the kids, etc. I agreed that he would buy my value in the house, and I moved out to a rental at the first moment after my temporary support and a 50-50 custody division had been agreed to.

I thought this was going to be amicable because he will finally get the sexual freedom- ie promiscuity- that he had always wanted. However, he has managed to get very angry at me for requesting my half share in the value of the antique furniture and for wanting a slightly higher settlement value due to his successful professional practice.

Do people always get angry during divorces ? I told him I wish to return to work (stopped working after the kids were born) but he seems to see me as some sort of leech despite the fact that his adultery made divorce a necessity rather than a choice. D

Mostly I just try to create distance. The difference in my situation is that I was the one who had an affair, which you may find to be a definitive difference. I had hoped that after I supported my ex for a good portion of his adult life he might part from me in a reasonably amicable way, but this is not quite the case. So if you want to talk to someone, contact me through the moderator. I think that it takes a very mature person to acknowledge his role in the break-up and accept it in a non-brutal way, but that is just not the case for many people, I fear. also thought we could be reasonable

Divorce: timing & taxes

My husband and I are divorcing, but waiting several months because we don't have the money to live separately quite yet. We are wondering, however, what kind of difference (if any) marital status will make in our income taxes--should be trying to file before the end of the year for tax purposes or should we wait until 2007? Does it make any real difference? (We are already short on money, and don't want to put ourselves at even more of a disadvantage by planning this wrong.) Anonymous

If you are not divorced as of 12/31 of the year, your only choices are to file ''married filing jointly'' or ''married filing separately''. Filing separately usually results in higher tax liability.

If you have dependent children, it is possible for one of you to be a ''head of household'' (saving you some tax), and the other one ''married filing separately'', but only if you did not live together at any time during the last 6 months of the year, which is not your case.

Given that you still live together up through October, I don't think it is likely that your divorce will get finalized by 12/31 (check me on this one). If you can't get divorced by 12/31 and trust each other financially, then filing a joint return will generally result in a lowest tax liability (assuming about the same income level for both of you) Maria U. Ku, CPA

Miserable but can't divorce

I am miserable. I am a SAHM and have 3 kids under age 9. My husband is a very controlling person, and without going into the details, I feel horrible. Many years ago, we moved to the Bay Area, and I have been without a career since I became a parent. My husband controls all the money now, pays for everything, and watches me all the time when he is home. He is suspicious when I use the phone, and he tries to log into my files onto the computer (some of the passwords he knows, others he doesn't). I cannot buy anything without him finding out; I have no money of my own. He is not violent or physically abusive, but he is verbally abusive and always has to have his way. I do not have any way of starting up my old career, so I cannot be financially independent; I have only one local friend (the others are long-distance) and I am too humiliated to talk to her about my problems. I cannot pay for a therapist. For reasons that I will not go into, my parents are no help in this matter. I am afraid that if I were to leave him or go into counselling, he would try to take the kids. I cannot bear that, so I have to live with the status quo. Is there any support group out there or even an on-line group that I sign up for and can confide in? My only lifeline right now is my computer. Need Help

How to stay civil after breakup

My partner and I have just deceided to split up after eight years and two kids together. We're not legally married so there will be no divorce. Our couple's counselor will probably help us flesh it all out but I would love to hear other people's stories of successful civil break-ups and what custody arrangements worked or didn't. How do you equitably split finacial responsibilities when you have dad working and mom not with not much cash between them? (Obviously I'm going to go back to FT work). I'm not all that good at civil so if you have any tips on structured ways to suss out who gets the kids when, how to split up money and other complications like that, I'd appreciate it. mama trying to figure it out

-Learn to say a*****e after you have hung up the phone.

-Things may be easier once the focus is on raising the children and not on the relationship between the two of you -Remember, your children are more important than money or things or everything being 'equal'

-We lived our agreement for quite some time before making it legal. This enabled us to flesh it out, and make it a more solid agreement.

-Consider a 50/50 split for both money and time.

-On the $$ front: We created a list of what costs for which we would share equal financial responsibility. In the 12 years, there has only been one thing we added to the list (car insurance for teenage drivers)

-We have a 'money manager model' for handling the finances. Essentially, a checking account in my name only for which we both do direct deposit. I handle most expenses. If he needs to be reimbursed, he tells me the amount and I write a check. We are prety relaxed about $$ and have basic trust.

-As the children have grown, the details of the 50/50 split have changed. From switching every few days, to week-on-week-off, and two-weeks-on-two-weeks-off. We've also changed what day to switch (currently Monday nights) -We have a 'hand-off' discussion when the kids change homes. Mainly, this is to share info about how our children are doing.

-If possible, live close to each other. Definitely have a shared commitment to stay in the same area.

-Be sure to keep each other apprised of any behaviour issues with the kids. My kids know that if they do something wrong, they will discuss it with me and separately with their dad. For really big issues, we have gotten together to address the problem. This is really powerful.

-We are flexible. If one of us has had a business trip and needs to change the schedule, we have always tried to accomodate the other person

-And finally, this is ongoing work. Some times it is easier than other times.
divorce has worked for my family

Coming to terms with unwanted divorce

The last year has been the absolute worst year of my life except when I was 15 yeras old and my Dad left my mom for an affair he was having.

Last June my wife of 10 years told me she was unhappy in our marriage which caught me completly off guard. For 6 months we wne to therapy only to find out that she was having an affair with a younger man who was also a co-worker. She says she fell out of love with me and loves this man because he treats her like no other man has.

She moved into a crummy apartment about a mile away a few months ago. She told me at the time she was ''torn'' but now says she wants a divorce. We share custody of my poor 7 year old son. I have told her repeatedly that she will have to do all the dirty work in the divorce. I do marriage, atorneys do divorce.

She just turned 40 when all of this went down and I feel like the ghosts of her parents marriage are haunting her. She says she was not happy and is not happy at all in her ''new'' life.

I feel like I have come a long way in the past year and seem my faults but she is still doing the blaming game. I guess I need to move on but I feel like need to do everythign I can to salvage this marriage but I can't do it by myself S

It sounds to me as if your wife is gone from the marriage. She had the affair and moved out, and it seems that she knows what she wants. Your position that ''she is going to have to do the dirty work'' reveals your resentment of what happened, but not the understanding you claim you achieved on reflection. Do you really now understand ways in which you were at fault, as you claim? If you do, you should be able to accept her need for the divorce and your need to be part of the divorce process for your own good and your son's. The ''dirty work'' you write of is nothing less than the work you need to do to ensure your son's best situation, your own and your son's financial security, etc. You owe it to him and to yourself to be an active part of the process, though I realize it must hurt terribly.

Your use of the phrase ''my poor son'' worries me a bit. Yes, your son is most likely very sad about the break-up and will continue to mourn the loss of his family. But your wife hasn't left him -- she left you, and your tone about him suggests that you feel he is in precisely your position: abandoned. I assume that she hasn't abandoned him, that she wants to have shared custody -- perhaps that isn't the case, in which case your son will really struggle. But your attitude is going to be important to your son's development, and if it is a self- pitying, blaming attitude, then that's the role he'll adopt as well.

I'll suggest what practically everyone else in the Bay Area will suggest, namely therapy for you (also to deal with the issues left from your parents' marriage -- you seem to be replaying those) and for your son.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I think a different position, a stronger, more mature one, will really help you work through this.
the other half

IMHO, your ex-wife sounds immature and selfish. She needs to make herself happy and look real hard at herself. Until she really understands who she is and what she wants, she will NEVER be happy no matter where she is.

You sound like you still love her deeply and miss her. As hard as it is, you cannot fix her. She must fix herself, and she can't do it with you. Talking to her about how happy or unhappy she is isn't your concern anymore because she isn't your wife. She is your son's mother - that is ALL. What did I do when that happened to me? I expressed my pain when I found out. Then I focused on my daughter and refused to deal with his social life and angst about all of my flaws. I made our relationship strictly business. IT HURT ME to do this at first, but then it got easier. He was angry and he also played the blame-game, and I told him, ''What you say may or may not be true, but it doesn't matter anymore. It's over. Please tell me when you want our child so that I can plan my life. You are a good father and our child needs you. Let's communicate for her.'' I wanted to cry, and I did sometimes, but I enforced business and hung up or walked out when he started the old cycles of conversation.

He too rejected his new life and begged to come back. I allowed him in only after he proved to me that he really wanted OUR life, and it took a long time. I still don't trust him completely, and he's still earning back the trust he destroyed. I snoop, and he knows it. Do you really want a woman back who you can't trust? Do I? No, but life is not simple. Right now, this second, we are together, but we aren't the same. Ironically, he feels we are much stronger - I'm not so sure. If you choose to take her back, make sure she is independent and knows herself. Please DO NOT take her back if she's moving from his bed to yours. Only do it after she's had time to know herself. And if you don't, shut her out emotionally, keep it strictly business, and protect your son.

Oh yeah, and ask an attractive woman out for drinks. See what the attention of someone else is like for a change. Stop focusing on her. anon

If your wife is not happy in her new life, perhaps she would be willing to try counseling again? If so, I recommend a very humanistic therapist--Dr. Hans Stahlschmidt--to work with you. He can be reached at (510) 848-5347. He is terrific--I was hesitant to see a man at first, but I have come to really trust and like him. I have learned a whole lot more about myself than I have about my relationship with my partner in the year we have been doing counseling...it was a big eye opener that each partner alone is responsible for his/her happiness in a relationship (barring abuse, violence, etc.). I have learned that I am the one who must change to be happy in my relationship, and funny--my partner has learned that he is the one who must change to be happy.

You should know that repairing the relationship is impossible unless both parties are totally committed to resolving their OWN issues. It won't work if you continue to blame each other. If your wife is not in this place, any attempt to repair the relationship will not be successful. It is hard to accept it when this happens, but it will only make things easier when you begin to open to the truth of the situation. Best wishes to you anon.

I am in the same boat as you, where I feel like I am the only one really working to save our marriage. The problem is that we are not the ones who need to do the work. And that feeling of helplessness leaves us feeling completely unempowered and more alone.

I'm not posting my e-mail to the whole group, but perhaps the moderator could send you my e-mail address if you want someone to talk to. Stacey

Having a baby made things worse - divorce or separation?

My husband and I have been married for five years, and we have a baby son. When our son was born, I came to the hard realization that my husband and I have nothing in common, and that I had been able to ignore this by involving myself so deeply with other things. Having the baby, I found myself homebound and suddenly dependent on him - I changed in terms of my needs, but he didnt really want to change in terms of his giving of time or of himself. We started going to counseling after I insisted on it, but almost a year later, things are worse rather than better. We really seem to hate each other. We fight about everything, although we try to refrain in front of our baby. We both adore our child, there is no doubt about that. I am financially dependent on my husband, and aside from that, I worry that my son will grow up with only one parent. I wish my husband and I could reconnect and patch things up, but I doubt that either of us is really capable of it. Yet, perhaps its better to wait until the baby is older to take steps to end the marriage. Any advice would be welcome. Berkeley Parent

1) I dont' remember where, but I do remember reading that couples are most at risk of divorcing during the first year with a baby. What you are experiencing is not uncommon at all. I know that my husband and I fought a lot more during first 2-2.5 yrs after each of our two children were born. I suspect that part of that was due to the combination of sleep deprivation and what I thin was post-partum depression on my side, and part to issues he had, and we had, that we needed to resolve through counseling.

2) After one year of counseling we still weren't there. You might want to give it more time. Trying a different counselor might help too. With our first couples counselor we spent so much time (2 yrs) fighitng the issues that we never got to teamwork. Then we spent one year with a new counselor who really helped us work on emphasisng and finding the things we liked about eachother and nurtured the caring part of our relationship.

3) When thought I wanted to throw in the towel someone told me this... Once you have a kid your relationship with your spouse doesn't end with a divorce, all the problems with the other person are still there, but with none of the good times that make them easier. Plus life is just harder ie: finances are tight, and your time with your child is rationed.

Obviosly, I decided to stick it out... but only you can decide what is right in your situation good luck

Regarding custody, all parties (me, my ex, and our daughter) are very happy with our arrangement. I have 100% custody, but my ex visits with our daughter a couple of days a week for homework, soccer, walks to get dessert. Once a month or so we have a family outing or dinner together much happier divorced

But getting educated on how to view your options is the best bet. You could get online and do some research to find mental health professionals that help people make educated decisions whether and how to go through a divorce.

One place to start is with Susan Pease. She has a thriving professional practice designed around supporting women in your situation called The Transition Institue of Marin. Her website is www.tiofmarin.com. Andrea

What is the average cost of divorce?

My lawyer held up my divorce proccess because I didn't pay them. The reason I didn't pay was because I thought a court date will be set up, so I wanted to pay after knowing the court date. Later, I found out there was a court date set up, but dropped without my knowledge. So I was late to pay 2 months, last bill was in August, but when I received October bill, I saw they charged the time they omitted in June, which was $1000 more. I complained about it and they withdrew their service. My divorce in on hold right now.

My divorce was supposed to be simple, with no joint property or money issue. We have one child and we came in terms with custody. We had one mediation session with the lawyer and most of the times, it was e-mail or phone communication. I was very shocked when I was told the divorce similar to may case should not cost no more than $1000, because I have already paid $3500 and they are asking for more! If you know the average cost of a similar case, please let me know! I may complain to the Bar. Confused and frustrated

Although it's a hard concept for non-lawyers, lawyers are paid for their time, not always for something tangible. Would you expect another professional to work for you if you didn't pay the bill? Do you expect to walk out of a store without paying for something you take with you? You hired the lawyer for a service that they are apparently trying to provide. Given that they agreed to reduce the bill when you contacted them, I don't understand why you would go to the Bar. Pay the lawyer and be done with the divorce. A Frustrated Lawyer

I know that this is a very difficult time for you, and I wish you the best of luck in resolving this. I'm probably not ever going to return to family law litigation myself, after five years of the practice. My recommendation to anyone who truly has a simple divorce but wants an attorney to make sure that the filings are correct and that nothing is overlooked is that they should go to an attorney mediator. This was a big part of my practice, and I really enjoyed it. More importantly, I think that it is the answer for a lot of divorcing couples but that they are unaware of the option.

Best of luck to you- G

Are we rushing in to divorce?

I'm considering divorce and my husband is also. We both suffer very much because of this, but it seems like we can't work it out. I don't even know if it's worth trying anymore.We've discussed our problems, needs, etc. hundreds of times already. I'm very unhappy. I was so inlove with my husband that I used to tell him - if you die first, I will want to die too. We've been married for over 2 years and togheter for another 4 years, before that. There are too many differences between us: he doesn't believe in God and he's mocking His name, he does't want kids, he has no respect for other people's feelings or the way they choose to leave their lifes, he's very angry when I want to see my sister or spend time with her, he doesn't help with the household at all, he doesn't want to travel or spend time out of the house anymore. All he wants is to work and make money.He tells me all the time , ''joking'' , that I don't make enough money and that he has to go to work to ''pay for his house''. It's like I have no contribution to any of it. I cook as much as I can, I work full time and go to school at night, which he doesn't appreciate at all, I take care of himself and the house by cleaning, paying the bills, making all the phone calls. He is really mad when I make mistakes about being late with one bill or forgetting to make a phone call etc.

I still love him, I guess, and I burst into tears when I think of separation. We've just bought a brand new house, which is lovely. There are times when we are VERY happy, and times when we are VERY unhappy. 80% of the time, lately, we are both VERY unhappy with each other. I don't feel like making love to him anymore and he's blaming me for this, threatening, as a ''joke'' that he will find someone else to ''help'' him with that. We don't have kids and we are pretty young - I'm 26 and he's 29. We're college sweethearts and we've come to buy the house and everything else on our own, with no help from others. Please tell me if you think we're rushing. I'm afraid I'll regret later that I didn't leave him earlier.I'm afraid of ending up alone, trying to find someone on ''mathmaker.com''. I don't want to have kids who will feel neglected as I've always felt with him.He's very hardworking and smart, and I think he loves me in his selfish way, but is that enough?Thank you. anonimous

I spent 5 years of my life (3 dating, 2 years married) with a narcissistic man who like your husband had no spirituality (or rather claimed he had it and suddenly became an 'atheist' after we married - typical behavior of a narcissist), was cruel to me (very indiscreet and open gawking and flirting, often right in front of me), never happy with me, my looks, my career or how much money I made, was obsessed with money, judged everyone by how much money they made, etc. I married him at 33 and our divorce was finalized at 36.

I am telling you this because what I didn't realize then and am so painfully aware of now was that I gave my last good years of fertility to a man who had no business having them. I never wanted to have children with him because I, like you, was very worried about how this man would treat them. (I know, people always ask if he was so bad, why did you stay with him and marry him? Well, it's easier to explain that with several years of therapy behind me, believe me.)

I believe you said you were 26, but my dear, if you have any desire to have children I would encourage you to evaluate your situation soon. I don't know how long you've been pondering this, but I wouldn't spend more than 1 more year of your life getting clear on this. I would cut that in half if he refuses to get counseling so you can try to work this out.

I say this because now, happily remarried at 41, I am having great difficulty having children and it is painful to me to know what I gave away to someone so undeserving.

Divorce is awful and painful and I hope you don't have to go through that, but if you do, know that you will make it through and your chances of finding someone else at 26 are pretty high. I did it at 38. And I even met him online (craiglist - yeah!), so it can happen. Blogs are a great way to connect with people these days... if I was single, I would include that in my repertoire for sure...

Anyway, I don't mean to go on like an old hen, but you do have an important choice to make and I hope that what I've said can help you to avoid the pain I am going through now. -- been there

Whatever you fear about being on your own, its not as bad as what you are tolerating --- and you may find that BOTH of you are happier single than together.

If you are really torn, you might consider separating -- in my experience that will push the relationship one way or the other, and either way is better than where you are now. You're not married, you're stuck.

Good luck, You're already Gone

STart over now, while you still can and maybe you can each find someone who mirrors your life goals.

Sahm - gave up career, thinking about divorce

I married when I finished a masters at college, and since then have been dependent on my husband, for financial support for me and the children.

I'm finding this really hard to deal with; I feel guilty and humiliated at having to beg him for money; we used to have a joint bank account but he decided last year that I was 'extravagant' because I went out for coffee and bought my daughter Barbies...I never spend any money on myself, but always have tried to look after the children properly. I'm also confused and upset as his depiction of me as 'extravagant'. I haven't had a haircut for over two years...my clothes have holes in...

My oldest child has now reached eighteen, and my husband is completely refusing to support the child any more. He claims this is not because she's a stepchild - and yet I think this is the real reason why. This is really hard on the child, who hasn't even finished high school yet. My husband says that the child was a nightmare as a teenager, and doesn't deserve any help now.

He has a 'good' job at a college, and there is surplus income after paying the mortgage and food and household expenses. I feel upset at his lack of trust; before the marriage I had one child, and had lived alone supporting my daughter without any of these problems. I managed the finances and was able to save, and my daughter never knew there was a problem; although there was little money, she never felt short of anything - and I never felt criticised or unhappy with my spending.

I have not felt able to take a job, as it would have to be a very good one to cover the cost of childcare. Also I wanted to be with my children when they were young. I now find a lot of time has passed, and I have a lot of accumulated fear about re- entering the workforce. I have lost a lot of confidence, and don't know where to begin. But the overwhelming reason that I do not feel able to work is that at present I take full responsiblity for the childcare, supporting my husband in his (highly prestigious) academic position.

In my emotions (as you can see from that 'prestigious' comment), I am feeling bitter, sad, and quite frankly, used. This man has taken my time, my confidence, my happiness.

I would have liked to go back to college myself, to do a PhD, but again, the childcare responsiblities were too great.

Is it wrong for him to support me and the children? I feel that there is no moral reason why on earth he should give me money -

I've been feeling quite desperate, wondering whether to divorce. Are there other stay-at-home mothers who feel the same way? Is this a problem of pride? I feel so terrible having to ask him for money, having none of my own - and I can't see how to start to change this.

I have come to see the institution of marriage as humiliating and distressing. I was so much happier as a single parent.

I also do not like at all the example that all this is setting for my children - I feel compelled to leave to show them that women do not have to live like this. Amazed to find myself writing this

You didn 't say how old your younger children are, are they now in school? If so, after-school care isn't that expensive. I think you would find that you don't need the best-paying job in the world to cover the cost of after-school care, and I think having a job would do you a world of good, psychologically.

However, given that you have been out of the job market for a long time, you might need to take a graduated approach here. I think you might want to start with some counselling to help you rebuild your shattered self-esteem. It sounds like your controlling husband will probably refuse to give you the money (grrr...it makes me angry just to type that!), but there are places that will do it on a sliding scale. I am sure someone else will write in to suggest where! Next, you might try volunteering somewhere, just to get back into contact with the working world. You can probably arrange to do volunteer work while your kids are in school. Once you have some experiences and some contacts established, you can start looking for a job.

If your children are still young, you could aim for doing some volunteer work when they get old enough to go to preschool. Lots of studies have shown that children benefit enormously from preschool, so you would actually be doing your children a favor by sending them to preschool and gaining some time for yourself.

Your husband would probably benefit from counselling too, to deal with the covert hostility that he is taking out on you, but I suspect he probably will refuse to go. So you need to take steps to look after yourself.

Hang in there! Change is hard, but it can be done! anonymous well-wisher

And no, it is not wrong for him to support you financially. The way I see it, he is greatly in arrears considering the time and effort you have likely put in to those children. Both my partner and I concur we'd be outta there. You can do it!

You sound really burnt out. Do you have a friend or relative you could go stay with for a few days -- without your husband or kids? Go get that haircut and eat some ice cream and take a few long walks. Sounds like they're all old enough to muddle along for a few days without you, and you need some melodrama-free time to sort out your priorities. It's very hard to assert yourself as a SAHM and say ''Look, I need some personal time!'' but sometimes it has to happen!

Deep breaths. Good luck. Another SAHM

As for the institution of marriage, my husband and I believe that the point of being married is to support one another achieve one's hopes and dreams. Not just one of you, BOTH of you. If this is not happening, then perhaps some Marriage counseling is in order? Would your husband be willing to try? Frankly, some of the things he says don't sound supportive, but sound motivated by a desire to undermine your self esteem (the ''extravagant'' thing).

However, I do have to add that your husband didn't ''take'' anything from you that you didn't GIVE him. I would just reiterate, before you go for a divorce, look into marriage counseling. Read some books (I recommend ''The Good Marriage'' and ''Getting the Love You Want''). It sounds like some serious communication between the two of you is needed, but you probably need an objective facilitator (therapist, counselor, whatever) to help with this. You both need to air your concerns and needs and be clear about what those are. If your husband won't go with you, go on your own, and then decide what to do. If he won't give you the money for it, find some one who will do a work-trade with you, I'm sure they're out there. Best of luck! Anon

He began to talk about not supporting my daughter through college. He told me to work. So I gave him an ultimatum: Either he support her, or we sell the house (which had appreciated considerably) so that I could use my 1/2 to pay for her. He caved, but it could have gone the other way. And you know what? If it had, I would have gotten a job to support her. I will not get a job just to ''satisfy'' him.

I was then a SAHM, like you, and he also after a temper tantrum, opened his own account. It took anger management counseling for him to begin to give me the household money every month BEFORE I asked. He was told that I had a right to ask for a sum without justifying every penny, and also a right to have it without asking for it.

The trick was getting him to go to counseling. It took the threat of legal action. One day he poked my chest with a car key, he knocked the wind out of me and I went to the E.R., where the doctors filed a domestic violence report. I was very very close to not pressing charges,my mother pressured me (''he'll get angry, what if he loses his job?'') but I called the Abused Women's hotline and they talked me through the whole thing. IT SAVED MY LIFE. This had been the only physical incident, but the emotional abuse had been going on for a long time and that's the worse, because you know what? Wounds heal, but emotions are another thing.You're slowly beaten down. It's normal to feel powerless, trapped and weak in a relationship like yours which is clearly abusive. The doctors in the ER did what I wasn't able to do for myself. And I did for my daughter what I couldn't do for myself. Maybe it'll give you strength to think of it that way.

Now it's 4 years later and he's making noises again. He's again threatening to close our joint account, which he opened after he got tired of giving me money every month. Now he threatens divorce. This time, I told him that I would see a lawyer immediately to get support during the separation period. That stopped him, for now.

I really thought we wouldn't go this route again after 4 years, but I know that men relapse after stopping anger management counseling, which he attended for 1 1/2 years.

Why I stay. We have similar values, want to provide a home for our son and most of the time, he's great. However, I am seriously thinking about making an ''escape'' plan in case he falls into the same abusive pattern. I don't want another ''incident'' that will force him to go to counseling again.

I really feel for you. I know you will get lots of other good advice and information from others in this group so I'll end it now. Please know that you deserve respect and have value as a human being. He is in a bad place and is taking it out on you, but it doesn't have to be the only way. You are not alone. Mother first

Also it might be valuable for you to calculate what it woud cost your husband if you were to go to work. How much would full-time daycare really be (going rate for a nanny for infants is about $10/hr. - it adds up fast) add to that costs of a cleaning person - someone to drop-off/pick-up dry cleaning so he looks presentable at this ''prestigous'' job and I bet you're going to be saving your family about 60K /yr. by the time you ge tthrough - my friend went through it this way and I'll tell you it opened her husband's eyes to the ''true'' value of the work she did.

Ultimately - it also sounds as though your husband is being somewhat abusive in his controlling behavior - both over you and over your access to money.

If you can, I would go see an admissions counselor at the UC (or whatever school you were thinking of) and lay out your situation - many shcools offer fantastic low-cost full time daycare for students (many UC PhDs with small kids extend their time as student in order to take advantage of the daycare and housing benefits)- so your dreams may not be as unattainable as you imagine -

Good luck - it sounds like you've hit a really rough patch and you schoul absolutely try and talk with your husband about hte way his actions make you feel - failing that do what you need to do to take your life back into your hands - youv'e been confident before and it will come back again once you start to take care of yourself. best of luck rooting for you

Should I move out, or should he?

After 7 years of a difficult marriage, I have decided to separate from my husband. Besides feeling incredibly sad about my decision (although im certain that it is the right one), there are financial considerations.

Here is the deal: I work to support the family and my husband takes care of our 15 month old son on the days I work. We stumbled into this situation after my husband was laid off and not able to find another job.

So now im trying to figure out what to do. He has insisted that since im the one who is leaving, i should move out with my son. He plans to stay in the house; however, both our names are on the lease and he does not have a job, so im worried as to how he plans to work this out for himself. I was open to discussing creative ways we might be able to make an alternative family situation work, possibly sharing a duplex, living close together, etc., (he is a wonderful father and I want him to remain close to his son) but he does not want to discuss this. He has said that I needent worry, that he will come up with the $$$, but its difficult for me not to worry.

Im writing to get feedback from others that have gone through similar situations. We will continue to live in the same apartment until I figure out what to do, and I need to find ways to remain level-headed and forward-looking. And we both need to maintain our composure for the sake of our son. Please do not write to tell me to reconsider my decision about separation. Thanks. anon

Taking the first step toward divorce

My marriage is nearing its end, but I seem to be unable to take the first real step towards getting a divorce. Im hoping someone can provide some advice on the steps to take to get out.

For background we will be married 5 years in October, we have a 10 month old son. I work part time (at a job I love), but do not make enough money to live on my own in the Bay Area. I have looked for full time work without success.

My husband struggles with chemical dependency issues (alcohol and marijuana), and consequently tends to be irrational, paranoid and mean. Without his knowledge I met with a divorce attorney 6 months ago after he shoved me. Her advice then was based on a fear of more abuse (which I don't honestly have now). I didn't act because suddenly things improved considerably, and truthfully I wasn't ready to take off with a 4 month old.

Lately my husband threatens to divorce me on regular basis, but never follows through. I think we both know we can't go on like this, but are afraid to give up the good things the other contributes to the marriage.

I suspect the easiest thing would be for me to move out, but I would like to keep our house, which I owned before we married (its in both of names now), and again, I dont think I could afford to live on my own before a settlement is reached. Also my husband loves our son tremendously, and has threatened to try for full custody. While Im confident tht won't happen, I don't think he'd let me take him without a bitter fight.

If rational conversations were possible, I'd probably still be trying to save the marriage, so having a straightforward discussion about the situation is not option.

Can anyone provide some guidance on how to get the ball rolling? Is it possible me to file while we're still living together, and if so under the circumstances would that just be stupid? Is there any way (short of experiencing more physical abuse) to force him to leave?

Clearly Im terrified about my ability to start a new life. Im hoping that hearing some of your experiences will give me the confidence I need to get moving. Thanks

If you need someone to talk to, email me anytime. I can't tell you to get divorced, and I can't tell you to stay together - but I CAN tell you that you have the courage and strength to do what's best for you and your child, no matter how hard it may be. That's why you wrote your post in the first place, after all. Good luck! Kathleen

Since you owned your home before your marriage, and your finances are strained, I would like to see you regain full ownership of your home to expand your options. You can do this if your husband will sign a ''quit claim'' deed relinquishing his share of ownership in the property.

It doesn't sound like he will do this easily, but perhaps you have some leverage in his drug and alcohol problems. Clearly, this has to be approached very carefully since he is unstable.

I think that an effective approach, taken with the advice and help of an attorney only, might be simply to put it in terms that you won't dispute his right to joint custody, in spite of his substance abuse problems, if he will sign the quit claim. This puts a bit of a positive slant on it since you are offering him something he wants- equal parental rights for his son- in return for something you want- your home (which I think is rightfully, if not legally, yours). I think that this could be done without presenting it as an attack.

The fly in the ointment would be if he has something to hold up against you that would endanger your own right to custody of your son.

Don't move out- it sounds like you'd never get your home back- unless an attorney tells you to do so for your own safety. Your safety has to come first. But since this is a very emotional situation for you, you could use some help sorting out your fears, which right now are all mushed together. The right therapist or counselor can help you with reality checks as to whether you are either exaggerating or minimizing your husband's potential for violence because of your other fears.

My experience with 2 past marijuana-addicted boyfriends is that they threaten much more than they actually do, I think because marijuana reduces motivation and the ability to act. But the threats can be pretty awful to have thrown at you. If there is anyone whose support you can enlist, like someone in his own family who he respects, that could help you. Just try and be rational yourself, don't trash him, and don't throw threats back- that will escalate everything and you will feel guilty later. Best of luck, anon

Living together after divorce?

OK. I need advice from anyone who has filed for divorce and lived under the same roof together. Our finances are too strained to have two houses, we both work and have three children. My husband can't handle marriage. It sounds strange, but we're considering this to clean up finances and responsibilities.

The main predictor of emotional health for the children of divorce is low levels of parental conflict. If you can keep your relationship with your spouse civil, go for it. Otherwise, I hope you think of your offspring and their needs before your own, and do what you gotta do to keep their lives livable. Been There, Done That

IF you are able to set down ground rules the way you would with roommates, if you are able to separate the finances, arrange the billpaying, grocery shopping etc, if you have the space so that you won't be in a negative environment which would make it worse for the kids, I think it is totally workable, at least in the short term. If paying off outstanding debt from the marriage is part of the plan, put it on paper, though. In fact, I'd find a notary or an attorney and put the whole arrangement on paper the way you would with any legal lease type arrangement. Good luck. Karin

I always tell my friends. Do what you think is right for YOU. Regardless of what everyone else thinks or says, do what you feel is best for your well being and that of your family, and know that I am with you every step of the way. Make the decision that best works out for you, and lean on those close to you to help you through the bumps. Generally, your first instincts is best. Good luck. Best Friends

Considering divorce - Verbally Abusive Husband

I am considering getting a divorce and it's not an easy decision as I have a three year old who loves her dad, and I am 6 and a half months pregnant with our second. My husband is constantly verbally abusive, and even threathens me physically once a year or more. I feel it would come to more if I didn't retreat from his outbursts and bullying in fear.

I think I might probably make the break if I was more financially well off, and if I didn't have a child who will suffer the separation. If I didn't work full-time, and could be there for her more, it would be easier. And I do not have any family here to help. I am entirely on my own.

I am willing to see someone, and so is he, but I feel that nothing can change a man like this. I also feel that the person we see should have some experience and knowledge re this kind of problem, which is why I am putting this request out here...in the hope that someone may have had similar experience and success with finding a good therapist who could really help. If anyone out there knows of such a therapist, please post me a message here. I would appreciate it very much. Thank you.

That may or may not be true. His outbursts and bullying ARE the problem, not your fear. Maybe if you stood up to him, he'd back down, then again, maybe he'd get worse.

I worked for years in the battered women's shelter movement ... what you're describing is a complex and difficult situation, but you are right to try to protect yourself AND your kids.

What I'd suggest right now is that you do all you can to ease your own life, get yourself and your child support NOW, without even deciding about divorce just yet. For example, I'd recommend going to CARE services and asking for a recommendation for a couples counselor but ALSO an individual counselor for yourself. You can see a CARE person initially, for free, and then that person can help you assess further needs and plans.

I'd also recommend you see an attorney right now. NOT to file divorce yet (you don't seem clear that you want that) BUT instead to ask for advice on ways you can strengthen your financial and legal situation NOW.

I'd also suggest that you ask your department if you could telecommute one day a week. My boss lets me do that. We are very upfront about the fact that I have laundry running at the SAME time I'm doing my reading and editing at home, that instead of going out for coffee with a colleague twice a day, I spend those two 15 minute chunks of time washing dishes and mopping the bathroom. It's called "multi-tasking." I DON'T keep my daughters home on my telecommute day; I'd get nothing done. But then when Saturday comes, I can spend more time with them, be more present, instead of doing huge mountains of laundry.

Before you ask your department, ask CARE services for the official, written, UC policy on work and family. It helped for us (me and my boss) to know that UC officially encourages supervisors to be supportive of flex-time, telecommuting and other "family-friendly" options.

I have found that the telecommuting day has made a HUGE difference in my life. I'm happier at home and more invested in, committed to my job, a less worried, more "present" employee.