Depressed Spouse
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Depressed Spouse
July 2008
My husband has suffered from depression for years and I'm running
out of patience with the situation. I'm tired of having a
partner who focuses on gloom and doom all the time. He's taking
medication and has good doctors, but he's still depressed.
Because we have two young kids, I don't to divorce him. Rather,
I'm looking for encouragement or practical tips on how to get
through this. Thanks.
anon
This is a serious situation. You said you don't want to divorce him because you have
two kids. I would be more concerned about the effects of growing up with a
depressed Dad. I understand that depression is a continual condition that can last a
lifetime but can be controlled somewhat with drugs and therapy. I presume you are
in therapy yourself. I am not sure this is a situation that you can ''get through''. You
asked for ''practical tips'' and I'm afraid the only word that comes to mind is
perseverance. What are YOU getting out of the relationship? Are you staying in a
known situation even though it is bad because you are scared to move on to an
unknown future? These are questions only you can answer. I am sorry these may not
be words you want to hear and they may be hard to digest.
anonymous member of BPN
I have severe & cronic depression - most of my life. Once I was
diagnosed correctly, it took months of trying different meds to
get it right for me to finally be ok. (And it was WORTH IT!)
You husband needs to continue working with his doctor,
agressively, using trial and error until he truly no longer has
the 'doom and gloom' feelings. Therapy along with meds is best.
No one need live their lives like that (and also impact
everyone around them).
Fellow BPN subscriber
Did you know that a gluten allergy can cause severe depression?
I wonder if your husband could have a gluten allergy or at
least a sensitivity (a sensitivity would not show positive in a
blood test). I know many people (including myself) who have had
serious symptoms, including depression, diminish when they
have gone off of gluten.
I say this because you said that even on medication your
husband is full of gloom and doom.
My 13 yo son went off of gluten about 8 months ago and is a
different person mood wise, anxiety, focus.
I have been gluten free for the same time and I find that when
I do eat glutn products occasionally, without fail, the next
day I have low grade depression, headache and serious brain fog.
Checkout celiac.com (you can have a serious gluten allergy
called Celiac Disease, but also serious sensitivity that will
not test as an allergy).
Good luck
depressed no more
I am very sorry to hear about your husband's depression. Glad to
hear he has good doctors. It might help to try separating
yourself from his ''gloom and doom'' by gently saying, ''I'm sorry
that's how you see it, but I can't think like that.'' You're not
denying his reality but you are also not participating in it.
Also remember that his depression is not him, per se. He has an
illness that is distorting his thinking and skewing everything in
a negative way.
That being said, he is still responsible for his own actions and
words, and for participating actively in his treatment. Many
partners of people with mental illness and/or substance abuse
fall into traps of taking on the other person's pain/struggles,
and doing for the other person what they are unwilling to do. For
instance, for a person with low motivation and energy, you might
find yourself doing the housework for both you and him. This can
create resentment and exhaustion on your part. If he has a
therapist, perhaps you can meet with him and his therapist just a
few times to discuss how to manage responsibilities that both of
you share so that it feels equitable and fair to both of you, and
how to handle time spent together without getting ''infected'' by
the other person's foul mood.
I hope you can take care of yourself mentally and physically
during this difficult time. Try to get as much support from
friends, family, and perhaps professionals as you can. For more
information, please see the website for National Caregivers
Alliance:
http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/content_node.jsp?nodeid=667
Lisa
March 2002
I am getting frustrated with my spouse. I've been out of work
for about 4out of the last 6 months. She is staying up until
4am in internet chat rooms and sleeps til 10/11am.
I get up with our two year old at 5-6am. We eat, play and
watch TV.
I'm getting frustrated that she keeps sleeping in even when i
go to work.
I get up because I don't want the baby to stay in bed til 8.
She has some books & toys in her crib to play with but...
Am I being too leanient getting up early? or should i let the
baby cry then play with her toys til 7 or so?
frustrated daddy
Your situation does not sound fun and I am sorry I did not see
any responses. My two cents is that your frustration is not
going to help the problem at all. And, I don't think that your
wife would appreciate you considering whether or not you
are ''being too lenient.'' You are supposed to be her partner,
not her parent.
It does indeed sound like she is depressed or checked out of
life in some way. It would help your wife if you could re-
channel or re-express your frustration into concern. You and
your wife need to start communicating openly and non-
agressively. You need to non-judgementally find out why she is
prioritizing computer-time over you and your child. I am sure
that there are many difficult issues here to work out. You
might seriously consider counseling to help you and your wife
communicate positively with each other about all of the issues
in your lives. It is so easy to degenerate into negativity.
Wishing You the Best of Luck
March 2002
My husband has suffered from low-grade depression since he was a teen
(his dad died suddenly when my husband was 7). His depression has
gotten worse in the past year. He took Prozac for a few months, but
stopped because it made him agitated and beligerent (though he was
not depressed while on Prozac.)
He's seeing a therapist, but he doesn't see how hard it is for me to live
with a depressed partner.
In addition to doing more of the work with our young son, and I am
losing patience for my husband and becoming unsympathetic to his
constant (and baseless) anxieties about money and work.
I need a support group of parents whose partners suffer from
depression.
I fantasize that my husband will find the right drug to alleviate his
depression, that he will overcome the stigma of taking medication long
term, and that years from now he will look back and realize what a
debilitating fog he has been in.
Most importantly, I worry about the effect this is having on our year-old
son.
I'm terrified that he too will develop depression.
Do you have advice on other anti-depressants, on how to support him
during this low period, and how to make our son understand that
Daddy's bad moods have nothing to do with him?
I am a very optimistic, buoyant and nurturing person by nature, but
this prolonged sadness in my house is making me crazy and resentful.
I have had success with (very) low-grade depression using 5-HTP, an
over-the-counter medication based on tryptophane. You can find this
anywhere (Longs, for example). However, many bottles come in only
50-unit capsules, and you need to take at least 300 units per day (up
to 500) to make a difference. I have experienced no side effects,
just an overall better mood.
I have also heard good things about another over-the-counter
preparation called SAM-E, but have not taken it myself.
Good luck!
My friend's husband does very well on Wellbutrin. You can also try to see if
your husband will start some sort of exercise routine. Now that the
weather's perking up there are more opportunities for outdoors activities,
which might be a good option. Unfortunately it's pretty much up to him so I
don't know how much your wishes will influence him. I don't have any advice
for YOU, other than to seek counseling. Best of luck to you.
My heart goes out to you. I, too, lived with a depressed husband. The only
thing I ever said that convinced him to get help was, ''What would it mean
to you/about you if you were, in fact, depressed?'' That got him to
recognize that his own self-stigmatizing was limiting his options. The
other perspective I have to offer is that depression is an illness, just as
alcoholism is. Would he be willing to hold you and your family hostage to
alcoholism?
Treatment: if I remember correctly, a combination of ''cognitive therapy''
and medication is the most effective treatment. Prozac doesn't work for
everyone -- there are other anti-depressants: Serzone (watch for very small
chance of liver problems), Celexa, etc.
Finally, depression in one family member can have a spiralling effect on
others. You may be responding -- subtly or not, consciously or not -- to
his depression, which may affect his depression, which may affect your
response, and so on. Also, be on the lookout for depression in yourself,
and take care of yourself. And don't overlook the benefits of exercise for
both of you.
Good luck.
After reading your post I knew that I had to respond because it struck an
emotional chord in me. Your situation sounds almost exactly like mine had
been. Though I am no expert on depression, I lived for many years with a
depresssed husband. I would be happy to share my experiences on this
sensitive subject with you and share some suggestions that might be helpful
to you.
This is for the woman whose husband is depressed. As a physician, I see
lots of people who are depressed and do remarkedly well on the correct
medicine. First she should look at things the husband may be taking that
could make his depression and anxiety worse. My therapist told me to cut
way back on coffee, this really helped a lot. Also, at one point I tried St
John's wort and it not only made my depression worse, it made me almost
suicidal. A good physician would try another antidepression medicine until
your husband gets the desired response. Paxil worked great for me and helps
with depression and overwelming anxiety about job and money. It took three
to four weeks after starting the medicine before I felt better. Initially
you may feel more sleepy and a little more depressed. I'm going to be on
for about a year before we try off of it.
As the (formerly) depressed partner in a marriage, I really responded to
your statement about your partner coming out of his ''debilitating fog'' ...
because that is just what happened to me. The great thing is that I am
getting treated for it, the problem is that the damage to my marriage is
there too, from all the years of irritability, anxiety, and withdrawal.
Would your husband try St. John's Wort? It's not a pharmaceutical, so it may
have slightly less stigma associated with it. It's easy to obtain (Trader's
Joe is a good brand, and the best price I've seen), and the side effects (in
my experience) are MUCH less than conventional anti-depressants (I've tried
3 and had bad experiences with each one). I think couples counseling would
also be good, because there are the issues to work through even if your
husband does come out of his fog. After some time in counseling with my
husband, my marriage is really coming back strong (thankfully).
There's a good book on SJW by Norman Rosenthal, with guides to self-dosing.
3 pills (300 mg each) per day is the usual starting dosage, although it can
go up to 6. It usually kicks in after 2 weeks...and it can kick in with a
bang too!
Depression is something you need to manage...even with the most effective
drugs. There are other ways of helping depression, like good exercise and
diet. You might want to pick up some books on depression. ''Beyond Prozac''
was a good one, as was Norm Rosenthals ''Seasons of the Mind'' (specifically
about Seasonal Affective Disorder). For me, it took repeated exposure to the
idea of depression (from family members, a therapist, and reading) before I
was ready to admit it to myself and begin seeking treatment.
Good luck, my thoughts and wishes are with you.
been there
Just a quick comment on the medication problem. There are medications
related to Prozac that are more sedating (Zoloft is one, and there are at
least two others that more calming). Perhaps he could check with his doctor
on those alternatives.
There is a group based in San Francisco called the Depressive-Manic
Depressive Association (DMDA) that usually meets at St. Francis Memorial
Hospital. I don't have the number but know they are listed. There are
educational and support sessions for family/friends as well as people who
suffer from these illnesses. Many of my clients have used this group as a
major source of support over the years. They may be able to refer you to a
group in the East Bay.
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