Is my husband suffering from depression?

My normally sweet happy husband has not been feeling or acting like himself lately. He's constantly tired, even if he's had a full night of sleep, complains that his body hurts (although today he told me it doesn't anymore) and is saying he doesn't want to be around anyone. He's also not talking to anyone in the house, sits and watches tv a lot and seems to be in a general sad mood. I have no idea if these are signs of depression, if he's in some way getting sick (not so much a flu but maybe something with his thyroid?), something happening at work (he says no) or just your average mid-life crises. He doesnt seem to know what's wrong either and our life is fairly steady (both have good jobs, pretty low stress lives). As you can see I have no idea what to think or where to start but I want him to be his old happy self again, and he does too. Is there a doctor you can recommend (ideally near rockridge) that he can talk to for next steps or to rule out what is definately not the issue. Maybe someone who runs tests (to rule out medical issues) and doesn't assume it's depression or tries to put him on medication until other options are ruled out. Even someone who knows he's in a rut and it will pass? What's the best type of doctor for this? Are there any great ones who are good with men who have trouble talking about their issues? Thanks!

My experience my have no relevance, but after eliminating cancer, rheumatism, and other more serious physical ailments, it would be important to also rule out polymalgia rheumatica or other auto-immune disorders, given how familiar your husband's symptoms sound to me. Good luck!

Any hope for a relationship with depressed partner

I live with a severely depressed man who won't help himself. I want to know if anyone has turned around a relationship like this? We have done counseling. I've read a zillion books about how to change myself, my words, be gentler, listen better, appreciate love languages, get out of drama triangles, & so on. He's gained 60 pounds, so I cook healthy meals & make time every day for family exercise (he no-shows).

So I 1) haven't wanted to give up on a person that, although I am not ''feeling in love'' with him right now, I do care for him & remember the man I fell in love with 2) wanted to be sure I'd exhausted -every- possible idea 3) splitting.

Because he's so checked out, I end up doing everything, all of the care & enrichment of our 4.5 YO daughter (in addition to working FT), housework, dinner every night. He's on the computer. Interrupted, he snips and snipes. He is judgmental and, despite not putting energy into the family unit, judges what I do and skulk around the house if I ''make a mistake.''

We have had sex 4 times in 5 years. He asks about my day (I have a very cool job) maybe once every 2 months. I've set up dates, he manages to wreck them over a perceived slight of some kind... I ask for dates, they don't materialize. He doesn't pay bills on time. I haven't had a ''Hi, honey, I'm home'' kiss on the cheek ever. Heck, he will wake up and proceed to just wreck the good times that everyone was having with his terrible mood. He's gained probably 60 pounds, can't go to the park with us, he doesn't get out of bed until 1030 and then slumps off to coffee alone, spends day and night on the computer downloading album cover art for his itunes library. How can I wake him up? He says he hears me but then the changes don't materialize...

My job, friends, daughter, fitness, looks--all are the best of my life. But I come home and there's just nothing there. No conversation. No connection. Almost nobody.

He confirms that he can clearly hear me without feeling nagged, bothered, berated, and that he hears me coming from a place of love, wanting our relationship to work out, and from a place of utter frustration and not being able to tolerate the way things are... And then, after a week of ''good-ish times'' where we maybe go to dinner and watch a movie, he is back to the lonely place. And so on.

Thoughts? Otherwise, short of a miracle, I think it's time for me to go... I am out of ideas. - sigh

Second, I think you know the answer to your question. Even if he did ''change'' (IE motivated himself to find a therapist, start medication, actually do some of the things you'd like him to - which seems incredibly UNlikely) I can't imagine that you could get over the resentment of the disproportionate burden that you have carried (I know I couldn't).

Third, I don't know how old you are but LIFE IS TOO SHORT. I know yours is just one side of the story but you are clearly unhappy and you have clearly tried.

FINALLY, to some degree your dynamic is enabling him. He doesn't have to motivate to change and/or take care of himself because you are doing everything (you didn't mention if he works?).

Obviously I don't know all the details but it sounds horrible and personally since I split from my ex (5 mo ago) I am so much happier not to have to deal with the frustration, anger, resentment and disappointment on a daily basis. Good luck. Alone, free and happy

Oh, I remember the sniping and snapping (would go on for weeks), and then the occasional good hours, days or a week, and then the awfulness when he went back to his depressed, angry self. It's like being in an abusive relationship, where the good times (rare as they are) make you think it might be okay. After all the years you've tried, you can see it's not going to be.

I found leaving to be incredibly difficult, and I didn't even have a child with my husband. In the end, he was the one who left, and I am grateful to him for it. I think it's time to say it's over. Your life will improve massively, and so will your child's (my own father had similar problems and I used to wish he wouldn't come home at night because our home was so much nicer without him). You cannot save him; you've tried, and it hasn't worked. Perhaps your leaving will be a wake-up call for him, although it probably won't. I wrote an essay about my experience once, and compared it to watching someone drown and being unable to help. It's awful. But you owe it to your daughter to move on. My mother stayed married to my mentally ill father until he died, and I was angry with her for years over it--until I married someone similar, and saw what it's really like. You can contact me directly if you want. emguralnick@earthlink.net Thank god I got out

May I also say, yeah for you, super wife! I am so impressed with all you have done to keep you, your marriage, your child, your job on track. I am sorry your husband does not see what a fabulous person you are, but there are others (even strangers like me) who can see how awesome you are! Torie

Sit down with him at a time when there will be no distractions and invite him to look deeply within himself and ask the question, ''What do I want this life to be?'' It is possible for him to connect with the part of him that is capable of living an inspired life. Perhaps the shock of your leaving will be significant enough to wake this up but it won't come from you asking for it (as you have seen it doesn't last). I know leaving is painful for all involved but the status quo sounds like something worse.

I wish you well. As part of the global community I want you to step out and fly. I wish that for him as well once he has his wings but you may not be able to do it together. bird lover

I have slogged through 8 years of my husband's depression; I stay because he has been in therapy for the last 6 years, going 2-3 times a week, and I am finally starting to see glimmers of the man I remember from 25 years ago. He is on the mend. But those years are lost and wasted and were a joyless bleak existence that slowly chipped away at my self-confidence and finally managed to drain my innate optimism and spirit. I am a changed person, and not for the better.

If your husband isn't even at the point of seeking professional help and making the intensive and expensive commitment to trying to get better, you don't have a chance. There isn't a thing you can do to help him yourself -- stop trying. Depression of that magnitude isn't a self-help situation.

Leaving him may in fact be the shock that pushes him to seek help, but don't do it for that reason. Leave him because you owe it to yourself, but most importantly you owe it to your child. I grew up with a depressed mother and a father walking on eggshells and I have few happy memories.

You've given it a valiant effort, now go and don't feel bad about it. He is the only one who can help himself. In the meantime, his misery is a danger to you and your child. Be brave and walk out into the sunshine. Been there.

The difficult part is that I am sure you love him--but don't be confused: you can love him but not the way he behaves, and not the part with the illness. There is research on the long-term, extremely negative effects of living with a depressed parent on children. Leave him, for your sake and for your daughter's. anon

With this background (and my own past history of depression), I suggest you reach your decision after considering the behavioral example he (and you) are modeling for your daughter, as it sounds like it may be unhealthy for her. And check your own vitals: Is his behavior destructive to you? I respectfully suggest that until he's able to receive/benefit from help or to stand up and fight through his struggles, he may harm those closest to him. You can't ''make him better'' by suffering with him. I hope you'll honor your and your daughter's right to live happily, without supporting your husband's burden. This may sound uncaring, but know that I offer my thoughts as a mother who saw how my major depressive episode hurt my now-grown son (YEARS of work to recover our relationship after that), I wish you all the best. Wishing you much happiness

Tired of dealing with husband's gloom & doom

My husband has suffered from depression for years and I'm running out of patience with the situation. I'm tired of having a partner who focuses on gloom and doom all the time. He's taking medication and has good doctors, but he's still depressed. Because we have two young kids, I don't to divorce him. Rather, I'm looking for encouragement or practical tips on how to get through this. Thanks. anon

That being said, he is still responsible for his own actions and words, and for participating actively in his treatment. Many partners of people with mental illness and/or substance abuse fall into traps of taking on the other person's pain/struggles, and doing for the other person what they are unwilling to do. For instance, for a person with low motivation and energy, you might find yourself doing the housework for both you and him. This can create resentment and exhaustion on your part. If he has a therapist, perhaps you can meet with him and his therapist just a few times to discuss how to manage responsibilities that both of you share so that it feels equitable and fair to both of you, and how to handle time spent together without getting ''infected'' by the other person's foul mood.

I hope you can take care of yourself mentally and physically during this difficult time. Try to get as much support from friends, family, and perhaps professionals as you can. For more information, please see the website for National Caregivers Alliance: http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/content_node.jsp?nodeid=667
Lisa

My wife is staying up all night and sleeping till 11

I am getting frustrated with my spouse. I've been out of work for about 4out of the last 6 months. She is staying up until 4am in internet chat rooms and sleeps til 10/11am. I get up with our two year old at 5-6am. We eat, play and watch TV. I'm getting frustrated that she keeps sleeping in even when i go to work. I get up because I don't want the baby to stay in bed til 8. She has some books & toys in her crib to play with but... Am I being too leanient getting up early? or should i let the baby cry then play with her toys til 7 or so? frustrated daddy

It does indeed sound like she is depressed or checked out of life in some way. It would help your wife if you could re- channel or re-express your frustration into concern. You and your wife need to start communicating openly and non- agressively. You need to non-judgementally find out why she is prioritizing computer-time over you and your child. I am sure that there are many difficult issues here to work out. You might seriously consider counseling to help you and your wife communicate positively with each other about all of the issues in your lives. It is so easy to degenerate into negativity. Wishing You the Best of Luck

Depressed husband driving me crazy

My husband has suffered from low-grade depression since he was a teen (his dad died suddenly when my husband was 7). His depression has gotten worse in the past year. He took Prozac for a few months, but stopped because it made him agitated and beligerent (though he was not depressed while on Prozac.) He's seeing a therapist, but he doesn't see how hard it is for me to live with a depressed partner. In addition to doing more of the work with our young son, and I am losing patience for my husband and becoming unsympathetic to his constant (and baseless) anxieties about money and work. I need a support group of parents whose partners suffer from depression.

I fantasize that my husband will find the right drug to alleviate his depression, that he will overcome the stigma of taking medication long term, and that years from now he will look back and realize what a debilitating fog he has been in. Most importantly, I worry about the effect this is having on our year-old son.

I'm terrified that he too will develop depression. Do you have advice on other anti-depressants, on how to support him during this low period, and how to make our son understand that Daddy's bad moods have nothing to do with him? I am a very optimistic, buoyant and nurturing person by nature, but this prolonged sadness in my house is making me crazy and resentful.

Treatment: if I remember correctly, a combination of ''cognitive therapy'' and medication is the most effective treatment. Prozac doesn't work for everyone -- there are other anti-depressants: Serzone (watch for very small chance of liver problems), Celexa, etc.

Finally, depression in one family member can have a spiralling effect on others. You may be responding -- subtly or not, consciously or not -- to his depression, which may affect his depression, which may affect your response, and so on. Also, be on the lookout for depression in yourself, and take care of yourself. And don't overlook the benefits of exercise for both of you.

Good luck.

Would your husband try St. John's Wort? It's not a pharmaceutical, so it may have slightly less stigma associated with it. It's easy to obtain (Trader's Joe is a good brand, and the best price I've seen), and the side effects (in my experience) are MUCH less than conventional anti-depressants (I've tried 3 and had bad experiences with each one). I think couples counseling would also be good, because there are the issues to work through even if your husband does come out of his fog. After some time in counseling with my husband, my marriage is really coming back strong (thankfully).

There's a good book on SJW by Norman Rosenthal, with guides to self-dosing. 3 pills (300 mg each) per day is the usual starting dosage, although it can go up to 6. It usually kicks in after 2 weeks...and it can kick in with a bang too!

Depression is something you need to manage...even with the most effective drugs. There are other ways of helping depression, like good exercise and diet. You might want to pick up some books on depression. ''Beyond Prozac'' was a good one, as was Norm Rosenthals ''Seasons of the Mind'' (specifically about Seasonal Affective Disorder). For me, it took repeated exposure to the idea of depression (from family members, a therapist, and reading) before I was ready to admit it to myself and begin seeking treatment.

Good luck, my thoughts and wishes are with you.
been there