Want to divorce and move out of state with baby

I used to live in Arizona but moved to Bay area last September to get married. Now I have 2 month-old-baby. Just before the delivery, I discovered my husband had been living with his girlfriend and her step-son since 2001. He did not tell me about this until I moved in. After many fights, he wants to get back with her. I also want to get a divorce and go back to Arizona where I left my 10-year-old son from the previous marriage (He was about to move to Bay area to live with us, but I no longer want him to come here because he would be happier staying in Arizona. Also, I have no reason I want to be here.)

The following are some reasons why I need to go back. I'm not trying to deprive my husband of his opportunity to see our baby. I would do anything to accomodate so he can visit Arizona as often as possible to see our baby. 1) I cannot maintain the quality level of life if I live in this area, while I can live easily in the best school district there. 2) I need to be close to my son because otherwise he will forget the second language which his father doesn't speak. 3) If I go back now, there is a job position (teaching at college) 4) There are many people who can mentally/physically support me, while I don't know anyone here.

Could anyone tell me what the likelihood that I can move back to Arizona with this baby (whether I can get a permission from the judge) would be. Thank you.

1) If I go back now, there is a job waiting for me (teaching at college) that will allow me to support my children. - This is #1 most important priority! If you start securing your basic needs in Arizona then you will be able to show the court that you are prepared to make the move and have thought of everything.

2) I cannot maintain the quality level of life if I live in this area as a single mother, while I can live modestly in the best school district in Arizona. - This is a very strong point for your arguement and will help the court see that you are looking out for your children's futures.

3) In Arizona there are many people who can mentally/physically support me, while I don't know anyone here. - This is important as well. It will show the court that you are isolated if you stay here and are unlikely to make a go at life here in CA. You need support as a single mother and the court knows that.

4) I need to be close to my son because otherwise he will forget the second language which his father doesn't speak. - If this has anything to do with the child you left behind, it is probably not necessary to bring into the equation. You already chose to leave your son in Arizona. Focus on getting home by telling them why you need to protect the interests of your new child. Lisa

Never married, do we need a formal custody agreement?

My 7 year-old daughter's father and I were never married, so when we broke up over 6 years ago, we never made a formal custody arrangement. I worry that we could end up in hot water without this legal agreement. Am I right? Can anyone recommend a lawyer to advise me?

Never married, afraid of going to court

I have a two and a half year old daughter. Her father and I were never married and he has been in and out of my house since she has been born. he left the house for the last time about two months ago and is already engaged to be married to another woman with three children. Needless to say I am extremeley angry, hurt over the whole situation. Currently he sees my daughter three times a week and it is usually at my house though I have not been opposes to him taking her over to the house he is currently living in (not the future wifes house). Soon (within the next three months) he will be married and i know that I will have to relinquish my daughter to him and allow her to spend time with her father and his new wife. We have chosen to not got to court as of yet. He pays me a reasonable sum of child support and the visitation arrangement has worked for both of our schedules. However, now he is taking her out in a car and won't answer the phone when I call and my daughter is with him. He is an alcoholic and I am extremely uncomfortable with him driving my daughter around especially when he will not answer his phone. I am scared to go to court because I don't want a 50/50 split right now at this age and I will probably get less child support.

I am hoping that someone who has had experience with a situation like this can provide some insight. Would the court automatically split 50/50? Would the fact that he has been in rehab and arrested for alcohol related matters matter to the court when deciding how much time he gets with her? If he does get visitation with her at his new wifes house do I get to know the address that my daughter is at? Is it better to just try to settle it out of court? Since she has been at my residence since she has been born does that give me a better chance to get sole custody? I am not trying to keep my daughter's father away from her. She loves him and he loves her. However, it is my job to make sure she is safe. Any insight would be extremely helpful and much appreciated. sad mama

My partner's dad was an alcoholic who drove her around drunk all the time. She remembers it well, and she was terrified each time. To the point that she would fall asleep on the 5 minute drive home from school. (After the stop to pick up the Jack Daniels each day, that is). She realized as an adult that falling asleep was her only way of coping.

I don't want your daughter to end up coping like this. Or worse. this is serious

And absolutely you should know where she is staying when she is not with you. I also think that if you have real concerns about your Ex driving her around that is another thing that you might need to have a judge put some restrictions on. I can understand not wanting to ''make a fuss'' and keep it simple, etc. but I think the safest thing for your daughter and yourself is having some very clear guidelines with consequences if your Ex does not follow them. Good luck and again I'm sorry you have to deal with this. anon.

I'm pregnant, can I file for custody now?

I am currently pregnant. It seems that my partner, whom I live with, and I will not be able to work things out. He has threaten me about custody in the past. Can I begin to file custody now? If not, when can I begin the process? What would I need to be able to get full custody? He has an 8 year old son and has 1/2 custody to, but owes tons of child support. He has a couple DUIs, hasn't had a steady job in years, goes to school fulltime now, and is emotionally abusive to me. So far, I've carried all the financial responsibility of this pregnancy. What type of proof would I need to win my case? LV

Here's my suggestion: DON'T put the father on the birth certificate, just leave it blank.

If you give him an inch in the custody battle, it sounds like he'll take a mile, most likely. Don't give him the option. It sounds like he has problems, and trying to get custody, prove paternity, etc. would be costly and time consuming. If he can't get his S*** together enough to drive sober, can't keep a job, and is otherwise unhelpful, what are the chances he'll even attempt to fight you, esp. if you leave him off the birth certificate.

A lot of kids grow up without fathers, and frankly, it hurts worse to have a negligent, problematic dad who can' keep it together than it does to never have known your father from the beginning. This guy doesn't sound like great dad material anyway, but you haven't described his relationship with his other child. There are few judges who would grant custody to a guy with DUIs on his record, who can't maintain a job, and is unstable. Esp. since it sounds like you're stable and reliable.

I bet you'll do a great job with your happy baby all by yourself!
-- Fed up with deadbeat loser dads

Should I go to court to terminate father's custody rights?

Dear wise advice givers- I am a single mom of a 3 year old. Her father is present in her life, seeing her once or so a week and heavily agitating for more time with her. Our agreement when I got pregnant was that he would see her 1-2 days a week and that we would not get the courts involved in our custody disputes.

However I've become increasingly concerned that he may someday take me to court. So my question is what can i do legally now? Is there something we can draw up with a lawyer saying he agrees not to sue me and that he effectively terminates his custody rights? Would this be binding in court? Thank-you so much.

P.S. There are many extenuating circumstances as to why I want to do this, so I would appreciate not recieving posts about how I should allow him more visitation.

Family Court Services, rightfully so, do not like to seriously disrupt that which is familiar to a child, especially a young child. With that said, terminating the parental rights of one parent never happens unless that parent does not want anything to do with the child. You seem to suggest that this is not the case.

You may not get exactly what you want if you ask Family Court Services to help you mediate an agreement, but you will have an official court order and the peace of mind that comes with it.

Child custody and visitation cases are considered always open cases. There is no such thing as permanently settling things unless neither one of you has any interest in doing so. Your child's father will always have the right to request the modification of the orders, and you will also. In my experience, living without a court order can be scary and unpredictable. If the father agrees to things, that agreement becomes the court order. You don't need a lawyer to turn an agreement into a court order, in fact I advise against getting one. They are expensive and tend to view child custody and visitation issues advisarially. You may submit an ''Order to Show Cause'' petition directly to Family Court Services. If you agree to everthing, this agreement will slide through the system fairly smoothly and become a court order. If you do not agree you will meet with a custody mediator who will recommend a specific parenting plan which is considered in the best interest of the child. This process is not the same as a custody battle, although depending on your situation, it can feel like one. You will also get child support out of this process. In California, parents most always share 50/50 legal custody unless there is a really good reason (like incarceration). Physical custody orders vary depending upon the parenting plan. Meg

If you are deciding not to take him to court for full physical and legal custody (which is hard to get)take lots of notes. Whatever your reasons for wanting to control his access, document as much as possible. There are definately situations when limiting access to a parent is the best move. sole custodial parent

Can we make custody agreement without going to court?

My partner and I, who were never married and have children together, are separating soon. The separation will be more or less amicable and we have the best interests of the children at heart, but I would like ''legally-recognized'' child support and custody arrangements to avoid future problems. If we can work out the arrangements between ourselves, do we still need to go through the court system? Does that mean we have to file papers to the court? Or are signed agreements legal documents without being submitted to the court? How does one make written agreements ''legal''? I did get the child custody book from Nolo, but it doesn't say what to do with the parenting agreements and it has very little information on child support. I'm really at a loss as to how to progress. Also I desperately need advice on how to emotionally support and prepare very young children (under 3 years old) for separation. Can you recommend any children's (or adults') books? What are some things to pay special attention to for children of this age? Any words of experience would be very much appreciated. anon

Unmarried Parents Rights by Jacqueline Stanley ISBN 1572484276 I found this at the law library as well as online on eBooks The Visitation Handbook by Brette Sember ISBN 1572483083 and Clinician's Guide to Child Custody by Marc Ackerman ISBN 0471150916

The process of making everything formal, the way I understand it, is in order for the courts to recognize and enforce the parenting agreement and the child support, paternity needs to established and recorded in the courts then a case number is assigned. If you and your ex have been able to work together to make a parenting plan, the child custody and visitation part can all be included in the forms you turn in and the case never needs to go to a hearing if everyone is in agreement already. If you're not in agreement, then the papers still need to be filed to open the case and mediation must occur to come to an agreement before going before a judge for the hearing. As far as child support, California has guidelines and a formula that calculates the exact amount recommended for the support payments based on your income and expense information that both of you supply.

You can do all this paperwork on your own without a laywer if you want (and if I could afford it, I would rather have the lawyer, but I can't so I'm not)and I found the Law Facilitators Office at the Court House is extremely helpful for paternity and child support actions...and it's free!! Good luck! Michelle

Want to divorce, but dreading 50/50 custody

Just wondering how people and kids are faring with a 50/50 custody split with children. I really need to get a divorce, but I am terrified of not being with my kid (7yrs old) every day. The divorce is not likely to be amicable. Things at home now are not hostile, but I am very unhappy. Thanks. anonymous

I went to a state mandated mediator who didn't read my statement and spent a half an hour ''interviewing'' us. She recommended 50/50 and nesting. Nesting means the kids stay in the house and parents go back and forth.

What a wake up call! I'm penalized for working -- supporting the family when husband wouldn't work and my lawyer said to me ''You wanted liberation''. So even though women earn less -- and should get a higher percentage of the assets -- we don't. We only get 50% -- we should get 60% to compensate for lower earning potential. Women are told 50/50 is better for the kids -- but the verdict is still out -- and women feel really awful when they don't have access to the kids.

So my thought is to find a creative way to see the kids every day. The one week on and one week off and nesting is bad news.

Stay away from court -- and the State mediators -- they are hopeless -- overworked and undereducated and frankly, they don't care.

Giving birth, breast-feeding, emotional support, planning all the things mothers do should count. But they get short shrift. My husband is suddenly scheduling dental and medical appointments and signing up for field trips in order to get custody. Know what you want -- to see your kids every day. and try to get it. anonymous

The best advice I can offer you about arranging for 50/50 custody, is: First, make sure that you have your own lawyer. This would be true I think even if things were more amicable. It's not about being combative, its about having someone more neutralized than you are, looking out for your interests, and, if he or she is good, letting you know what your limits are. Some people suggest mediators, and there are good ones out there, but in my experience a mediator will work only when there is basic good will on the part of both parties to work together. If the separation is difficult, or combative, all the anger can easily spill into and muddle a mediative process. HOwever, it was only my experience that mediation absolutely did not work - others might have very different experiences to relate. Second, work hard to write up as detailed a parenting agreement as you can. I made the mistake of leaving too much open, and paying for it later. THe few things we did specify in our marriage settlement agreement get worked out fairly straightforwardly, because the terms are clearly laid out. The things wedidn't write up, we have to deal with, and we often end up resorting to the patterns we used when married - not good for us, the kids, or the issues. There are some good books on co-parenting: The classic is Isolina Ricchi's ''Mom's HOuse/Dad's HOuse. Another one that I found accessible and helpful, was ''The Co-Parenting Survival Guide'', by Jefferey Zimmerman and Elizabeth Thayer. Many good wishes to you. anon.

I agree that sharing physical custody on a frequent schedule (such as every other week) is often not best for very young children -- younger than age 7 or 8 -- whose sense of security may be better served by a stable primary-home environment (especially if it is the same home as pre-divorce). As kids get older, they're more resilient and more apt to willingly meet the challenges of going between two homes.

Secondly, 50/50 custody (or close to it) works best when both parents have already well-established patterns of active involvement in all (or most) aspects of caretaking: feeding, dressing, bedtime routines, chauffeuring, homework supervision, reading and playing together, chatting, cuddling, etc. If one parent has not been actively involved in caretaking activities, he or she needs to accelerate the learning curve -- and track record -- very quickly if the child is not to suffer even unintentional neglect. Not to say that parenting is ever strictly ''equal'' in all senses, but the basics should be fairly consistent between both homes. For some parents, that might be very difficult to do; for many parents, not so hard. Again, good luck to all in this boat. Stepmom

I miss my son terribly when he is not with me,and would have preferred to not divorce in the first place, but I am convinced that a long court battle would have been much more painful, and at a greater emotional and financial cost to us all. Good luck to all of us. Half-time mom

We agree I will have full custody - can judge change it?

I have a question for those of you who divorced in California. Both my book on divorce, and an expensive lawyer I consulted, say that California law strongly favour splitting property, and children, in half (yes, this is how I feel about 'joint custody' of a small child).

My divorce is amicable. My husband and I want our toddler to live with me, and want me to keep the money I saved while working during our marriage, to use for emergencies when I am in between jobs (he does not have much savings of his own, he has been working only recently)... The house is mine since my husband signed a grant deed to me when I bought it, because he did not want to get stuck with paying the mortgage.

My husband is much younger than me, and is very involved with his new girlfriend. He is going back to school full time and I don't know how much child support he will be able to pay. He wants to visit his child but does not want the responsibility to raise him.

My questions are: Based on your experience, is the judge likely to disregard our Marital Settlement Agreement and force us to divide house or savings equally? Will the judge push for joint custody, and refuse to accept a vague visitation schedule that says 'father will visit child one day a week, and more often upon request', without specifying days?

Thank you for your help. Anonymous

Dad Seeking Custody - do moms have the legal advantage?

To the father look for an attorney. If you haven't done so, try contacting the California Bar Association. They have a lawyer referral service and can refer you to someone experienced in your area of needs/concerns. I do believe that things are changing with regards to child support, etc. In fact I know of two physicians whose custody arrangement calls for the female to pay child support to the male who has custody of the child. Good luck.