Berkeley Parents Network: Cousins

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Cousins

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Family Relations > Cousins

Older cousins a problem at holiday get-togethers

Abusive Cousin

December 2003

My 5 year old son is being hurt by his 11 year old cousin and he won't tell me how. This is the second time I've picked him up and he tells me something happend, but won't tell me what. This time he said his cousing covered his mouth while choking him when he started to cry because he didn't want to get in trouble. When I asked him ''get in trouble for what?'' He said he doesn't remember.

Does anyone know how I can get him to talk? I need to know how to handle this situation, but until I know what happened I won't know what to do. I don't want to over react, but I want to protect him.

I must state that despite what I am about to write I believe that what occured had no ''negative'' affects. Also, please don't read this and panic, because although today this kind of behavior or action would be looked at as ''criminal'', I have heard that it is just the natural process of growing up. The thing I would be most worried about is whether your son feels/believes that he is being physical abused or hurt, and does he still want to go to his cousins house. To me those are the issue which need to be determined and the acted upon. You do not mention any reactions/comments from the aunt/uncle. Have you not asked them?

Also, in not trying to cause panic or fear, It could be just a game the kids are playing, but of course that is for you to decide. What happened to me was ''sexual experimentation'' today I believe it would be called molestation or abuse, and perhaps it was but it was consensual. Also, I was not as young as your son, but the influence did come from an older boy. Please remember, what your son will be most affected by and remember is your reaction to what is happening. Finaly, there are a million different ''things'' which could be going on between the two kids, so prhaps the best thing to do is not have your son go his cousins house.

This may seem obvious, but you have to keep your son away from his cousin until you figure out what happened.

A possibility would be to confront the cousin, pretending you know what he did but giving him the opportunity to confess first.

Do not wait until your son tells you ''everything'' that his cousin is doing to him. You need to act -- now! You already know your son's cousin is choking him and threatening him -- these behaviors alone should be enough to set off alarm bells. Perhaps what is actually happening is even worse -- such as molestation. It is clear that your son hasn't ''forgotten'' what has happened to him; he is terrified to tell you because his cousin has threatened him.

The first thing would be NOT to leave your son alone with his cousin any more. Aren't there any adults supervising them? Can't you talk to the cousin's parents about the fact that their son is choking and threatening your son? Do not make your son endure this a moment longer by making him keep going over to spend time with someone who chokes and threatens him (and possibly does worse). You need to intervene immediately to halt this behavior. Your son is depending on you.

Please don't take any chances. I received similar treatment/abuse from both my older brother and my male cousins. My advice for an immediate solution is to keep your son AWAY from his cousin. They should not be alone unsupervised. An 11 year old could really hurt a littler kid. The boys in my family closed me in a suitcase and left me in an incredibly hot room and did other stuff that could have easily killed me and I would NEVER, EVER tell on them b/c I was too scared. You may want to address the issue in other ways as well, but whatever you do, please keep your son safe and don't leave him alone with this cousin.

I am really sorry this happened to your son. This sounds really serious. It seems like your son needs to see a play therapist. Play therapy is a gentle form of therapy in which children are able to talk about what troubles them. The second thing is that your son is being subjected to a dangerous situation by being left with someone who hurts him. He should NEVER be left with his cousin, unless perhaps you are in the same room with them the whole time. The story of your little boy saying his cousin was covering his mouth while chocking him really indicates how serious the older boy is about scaring your son into not talking about how he is hurting your son. By covering his mouth, he is saying ''you will not speak,'' and by choking him, he's saying, ''or I will kill you.''

Your question ''how can I get him to talk to me'' is a hard one to answer. Your child is really scared, and with good reason. Little children don't like to tell their moms about being hurt or abused, because they know it will make their moms feel sad. The fact that his abuser is part of the family makes it even harder for your soon to talk to you about it. Your son needs to talk to a trained therapist. If you can't afford to pay for this yourself, apply for the Victim's Witness Protection Program through the Alameda County D.A. office.

This sounds like a very dangerous situation to me, and I would stop putting your son in harm's way immediately. Do not let him be with his scary, bullying, abusive cousin. Deal with the boy's parent as you wish, but do not allow your son to be alone with this boy. Even though you don't know what else is going on, what you already know is a collection of behaviors that should NEVER HAPPEN TO A CHILD.

It sounds like a very unsafe and scarey situation to me. First, I would not let your son visit with his cousin anymore, until you get to the bottom of this. Then, I would talk to the cousins mother AND the cousin about this, directly. Get deatils and be persistant. You are not over reacting, follow your instincts and help your child, he needs it.

I find your situation very alarming. I think you should be sure that your son is NEVER alone with his cousin, not even alone in a room with him when other people are in the house, and never outside together without adult supervision.You should absolutely believe him when he tells you his cousin hurts him, even if he doesn't tell you what happened. The cousin may be threatening your son that he'll hurt him further if he tells. I would talk to the cousin and to his parents and make a VERY big deal out of it. Too often abuse issues are not taken seriously because the adult thinks the child isn't telling the truth or the child is exagerating. Please do something about this now, for your child's sake. concerned parent

Why don't you ask whomever is watching them at the time?

It sounds like your son is in a shared care situation with his 11 year old cousin? If so, I would take him out immediately! Your email made me shudder. It's quite possible it is innocent but why take the chance? Obviously the caregiver is not providing enough supervision. You may never find out exactly what happened (I don't think it's necessarily a good idea to badger your son until he talks or suggest ideas which may disturb him more), but choking and covering someone's mouth is NEVER acceptable, and your son should be removed from this toxic situation.

Firstly, I would like to add to everyone else's advice that I think it would be very dangerous for you to leave your son alone with his cousin again. I don't know if any adults were around at the time, but if they were, they clearly weren't protecting your child enough, or even seeing what was going on. This is not a good situation for your child - please keep him away from his cousin.

It can be extremely embarassing, shameful, for a child when they are hurt by another. (As it can for adults!) It may well be that your son is ashamed of what happened, and is finding it difficult to tell you for this reason. It could be this, as well as fear, that stops a person talking about abuse. I don't understand why it is embarassing or shameful to be attacked - and yet it is so. Perhaps we feel inadequate, weak, ashamed of our failure (perceiving it as that).

In any case, I would not pressure your son to tell you what happened. Just be open to him if he should begin to talk about it. Listen if he does, and try not to react with horror or anger, in front of him, but reassure him. Play therapy could help - but also, if you watch him playing yourself, you may well see in his play hints of what took place.

Good luck - and please don't let your child go near this cousin. Trust your instincts and trust your son. Janice

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