Can anyone testify about the success or lack of success of couples counceling? I know this is a simplified question to the most complex of issues, but I'm wondering if anyone can truly say that couples counceling saved their marriage. My partner and I tend to be skeptics, but right now we're looking at the beginning of the end for us. We've pretty much dismissed counceling as an option, but we may reconsider if presented with any real proof that it can work.

I would recommend seeing a therapist as a way of helping you make this difficult decision in life (to stay together or not). I am not one of those people that believe everyone should stay together just because they've been together (if the relationship is not supportive and enjoyable or has the potential to be -- it's probably best to move on). I actually had some friends go see the therapist we went to, with the agreement that after two sessions the therapist would give her opinion on whether they were compatible enough to save their marriage (both friends were very skeptical of this believing it was a bit of ploy by the therapist to seem impartial). But after the two sessions the therapist told them they were not compatible and it was best to go there separate ways. At first they were really upset to hear this -- but they soon realized she was right, they divorced, and both (because they at least tried therapy and had that assistance) feel very good about their decision (no guilt or regret, etc.). One last bit of advice -- interview a few therapists. Your therapist has to be someone you both feel comfortable with. I'd recommend mine but she retired a few years ago. Best of luck on whatever you both decide. anon

We have a long term relationship that was mostly good but we had a big problem -- one of us fell in love with somebody else. This went on for years. The affair was largely non-sexual but it really hurt everybody involved. We saw one counselor early on in the ''problem'' and she really DIDN'T work for us, maybe because we weren't ready, maybe because she wasn't very good. Then we saw another one a few years later (we were at the brink of breaking up and the ''affair'' was really only the catylist. Three years later, we are a VERY solid couple.

What made the difference? The counseling. The counseler made us be completely honest with each other -- no holds barred. Which meant that there was a while there where we weren't sure we WOULD stay together. We were both committed to trying, though, and were willing to really examine ALL the aspects of our lives together. It was incredibly hard work. It was really scary. But this counselor was somebody both of us respected highly, and she held us to a high standard. She taught us new ways to communicate wtih each other.

Long term relationships are an ongoing challenge, but I feel we learned so much about how to handle what's thrown at us (and what we throw at each other -- not literally -- as we change and grow through life).

So if you're willing to work, counseling can work. If you're trying to merely patch things us, it may not. And find a person to work with who you both respect. And best of luck, and strength to you. Been there. Happily married.

But was seeking counseling the right thing to do? I still think it was, and I would do it again if I was in a relationship in trouble that I thought was worth fighting for. But, really, BOTH parties need to be committed to working with the therapist.

The one piece of advice I would like to give you is interview your therapist, and do not stay with one that you do not feel is helping. There are many therapists out there; they have different outlooks and methods and you really need to find one that clicks with both of you - not always easy.

Good luck! Wishing you well

I am getting married in September, so I read this book for ''preparation'' and I found it to be amazing. Not only did I feel that Dr. Snarch was right on-the-money, but he gives practical, down-to-earth advice about how to deal with marrital problems. I really, really urge you not to go to a counselor until you've read this book.

One note Dr. Snarch is a marriage and *sex* therapist (not to be confused with a ''sex surrogate''). He found that people that came to him with marriage problems also had sexual problems (in their marriage) and vice-versa. For this reason, he addresses sexuality quite extensively in this book, as well as emotional issues (he sees the two as intimately linked - imagine that!). You might or might not be put off by the discussion of these sorts of issues. I hope you won't be, because everything he has to say is extremely valuable and worth reading, even if you feel it doesn't apply to you.

Best of luck - I hope you are able to work things out! anon

We really felt we were on a different wavelength than all three therapists. They seemed to see their jobs as helping us adjust to the idea that we would be getting divorced. We wanted someone to help us figure out how to live together. The counselor asked us one night why we were in therapy, and I said that I was there because we were married and that when you're married you have an obligation to try to work things out. This appalled him...apparently he felt it was more important for us to ''explore ourselves as individuals'' than to try to make our marriage work.

So...therapy not successful, and really depressing for both of us to boot. I was literally on my way out the door, looking to find myself another place to live.

Well, I did move...but my husband came, too. We packed up our things and moved to a different town, 40 minutes away from where we'd been living. And we agreed that we'd be leaving a lot of our bad habits behind in our old apartment.

Did it work? Well, it's been two years this week. I'm typing this one-handed because I'm holding our baby in the other arm (grin). It's been a lot -- a lot -- of work, but it's definitely paid off. I've never been happier and our marriage is that much stronger for having made it through such a bad time.

I can't promise you anything, but heck, at this point, what do you have to lose? Maybe moving's not the right choice for you, but try to come up with something really new and challenging -- and then meet that challenge together. It worked much better for us than going and telling other people how pissed off we were with each other for three hours a week.... anon

I now consider counseling just one aspect of our health as a family and have used a counselor to help with some behavioral issues with our child/family when she was about 5 years old. It put all of us back on a positive track and I am so very glad we sought a specialist rather than just doing what came natural (like our parents did) because natural was escalating the problem.

So if you think there is reason to try to save the marriage -- definately consult with a couples/marriage counselor and try what they say, you have to want it to get better or there is no sense in trying. They gave my husband and I some exercises to get us talking again, it sounded goofy at the time, but it worked and we still use some of the communication tools we learned in couples counseling (especially when we are having a difficult time talking about something)

Good Luck to you. counseling saved my marriage- happier every day