Grandparents Are Too Affectionate
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Grandparents Are Too Affectionate
February 2002
We recently had a visit from my husband's mother and her husband. An
issue that came up for me was how they showed affection for our 3 1/2
year old girl. I'm interested in how other parents feel about this
issue. For example, they would kiss her a lot, blow strawberries on
her neck, and ask her to hug and kiss them and they hug and kiss her
even though she wouldn't come to them. Our child can speak up for
herself and say she doesn't like something so she isn't shy or
compliant. I felt that even though she seemed ok with it, and didn't
object verbally my husband and I felt that it was a bit much and we
both hated that sort of thing as children. There were two incidents
that were especially troubling to me regarding my mother-in- law's
husband. (They have been together for a long time and he wants to be
called "Grandpa." I don't feel that he is someone who would be
sexually inappropriate with a child and I am very sensitive to this
issue because of my own family history. What makes this complicated is
that I really don't like this fellow for a number of different
reasons.) He approached our child once when she was in bed and once
watching a video on the couch, asking for a kiss/hug goodbye. Both
times my child didn't get up and hug him, but nonetheless he bent over
to her and kissed her a number of times and hugged her. I felt that
she really couldn't get away from him if she wanted to, plus there
wasn't anyone else in the room until I walked in to see what was going
on. I feel that his behavior isn't sensitive to her (ie if he asks
for a kiss/hug and she doesn't get up he shouldn't go ahead and hug
her anyway) nor to my husband and I regarding how we'd like our child
to be treated. My husband and I are very affectionate with our child
but we'll back off if she wants us to. Another complicating factor is
that there is a history of very difficult relations between all of us
and neither my husband or I feel that we can speak to them about this
without completely alienating them.
I'd appreciate knowing how other people handle similar situations.
Your post was complex and there is no way I can answer it
specifically, but I wanted to bring up something relevant that I have
noticed. When I visited my husband's family in Venezuela, I noticed
that everyone was VERY physically affectionate, especially in hellos
and goodbyes. Everyone is kissing and hugging like crazy and it is
simply not appropriate for a child to resist this. If a child did
resist, the adults would probably laugh and tease and kiss them
anyway. In contrast, my WASP family almost never exhibits physical
affection to my children, and I so wish they did. My son hangs back,
but I know he's dying for Grandpa to kiss and hug and hold him like
Uncle Fernando does, but my dad seems to be waiting for my son to make
the first move... I've tried to prod my dad or my son or both of them,
to disastrous effect. They both get embarrassed and pained and it's
just terribly sad to me. I think Americans in general have a sort of
odd relationship with physical affection, and just wanted to throw
this light on it as well.
Good luck, I'll be curious to see what others have to say.
Mom of a 3 year old and an infant
Trust your instincts on this one. You are right to limit it. I believe
that every child needs to have the right, reinforced by her parents,
to limit this type of physical affection. If you need more "authority"
behind your position, before taking it to the grandparents, consider
this. I spoke with the head of the sex crimes unit for Berkeley Police
(while viewing the "Meghan's Law" CD of sexual offenders) and
specifically brought up the issue of grandparents asking for kisses,
the child saying no, and grandparent doing it anyway. She STRONGLY
reinforced my view that adults shouldn't be allowed to give physical
affection without the child's consent, no matter how young or what the
relationship. She said this teaches them that they are not allowed to
say no. How can they distinguish between an "acceptable" forced
affection (i.e., a grandparent who means no harm) vs. an
"unacceptable" forced one (an uncle or friend who MAY mean harm). They
need to have the confidence to say no to ANYONE, and not get confusing
messages in return. Their instinct needs to be reinforced. (BTW, I
forget the name of the police officer, but she was very interested in
doing preventitive education of this type, and would go out and talk
to groups of girls. She's the head of the sex crimes unit and very
personable.)
To temper this extreme scenario, there are other benefits to setting
limits. When I got the grandparents to back-off and NOT kiss/hug until
the child initiated the contact, I found that overall the relationship
got stronger. At once specific visit, we made both grandmothers (and
they didn't like it) not kiss/hug our daughter until she was ready. It
was and remains the best visit we ever had, and the one on which they
got the most attention and affection in return. It's an issue of basic
respect.
Good luck. I hope this is helpful.
meghan starkey
I highly recommend sending your message to Erica Holmes at the East
Bay Kidpower organization. KidPower is a wonderful non-profit
organization that teaches personal bounderies, safety awareness and
self defense to children and adults. I have taken a course with my
4-year old, which I found very valuable. A friend of mine contacted
Erica re a boundary issue and got a very helpful, detailed response
how to handle the situation. Please e-mail Erica at
eastbay AT kidpower.org or ebkidpower AT mindspring.com
A Mom
Regarding your parents affectionate behavior towards your child, I am
not sure what your objection is. When I was younger my brothers and
sisters would always run up to greet out grandparents and/or
relatives, no coercion needed. It was expected and we were always
happy to see them as it was not an everyday event for us. I don't see
what is so wrong with showing affection unless the lesson you want to
teach your daughter is that it IS wrong. You kept mentioning that you
had a problem with it. Maybe you had a bad experience as a child. It
would be terrible for you to spoil an obviously loving relationship
that your daughter currently has with the grandparents because of some
unresolved problem the two of you have. Perhaps some counseling would
help the two of you. It sounds like more of a problem for you than for
your daughter. At 3-1/2 your daughter doesn't really know all that
much about manners, but she is old enough to learn by your example.
It would be disrespectful of you to teach your daughter to refuse the
hugs and kisses. It would also be very hurtful. The fact that your
child didn't get up when they were leaving also showed you didn't
teach them the respect due their elders. When guests are leaving
(especially relatives) you should always get up to say goodbye. It is
just good manners. You don't want your parents last memories of your
daughter to be her sitting on the couch ignoring them. Think about it.
Unless there is a very real reason against it, I would not refuse your
parents their show of affection. They are just showing how much they
love her. You didn't say how often they get to see her or how often
other relatives get to see her. These visits could vbe a highlight in
their lives.
anonymous please
Grandparents are supposed to be affectionate. Your daughter is very
lucky to have grandparents who adore her and are willing to
demonstrate their affection. I don't think there is such a thing as
being loved too much by the grandparents. When kids get to be
preteens maybe they will start cringing from the kissing, but they
still appreciate the attention.
Everything you described sounds to me like a typical interaction
between a granddaughter and grandparents who are crazy about her.
I wonder why you object to grandpa asking for a kiss goodbye.
Even my teenagers are required to kiss grandma goodbye when she
leaves whether they want to or not. They don't mind anymore but they
started to balk when they hit 10 or 11. I think not kissing the
grands hello and goodbye (at the very miniumum) is as rude as
refusing to shake hands with someone when you meet them. The same
manners we teach kids about social situations we should apply
to family situations I think.
Maybe the problem actually is that you are not so crazy about your
in-laws, which is not such an unusual position to be in. ;-) It helps
me to think about how my kids will think of their grands when they
grow up. They won't have them for all that long. Sadly a lot of us
lose our parents when our kids are young. You want your daughter to
have fond memories of her grandparents even if they are people that
you don't especially admire yourself. You and your husband are the
main people in her life that can make sure that she has a good
grandparent experience that she can look back on later with happiness
and good feelings. Maybe you can think of a grandparent-greeting and
grandparent-farewell ritual that you can take part in too (for your
daughter's sake) that isn't too over the top for you, but includes the
physical affection that your in-laws want, and then just start doing
it without putting too much significance on it.
Ginger
I was very interested to read the responses to your post about affection and
grandparents. I strongly agree that children should feel comfortable saying
no to types of affection they do not wish. As an aunt, I know that when my
nephew went through phases where he did not wish to hug or kiss me, I felt
it was important to respect his wishes. I think we send mixed messages to
children when we tell them that their bodies are their own and no one has
the right to touch them without permission, yet force them to be
affectionate with certain people. It is such a shame that many adults
cannot be more conscious and respectful of the wishes of children.
Personally I would never want a grandchild or other family member to kiss or
hug me out of obligation or shame. I think sometimes people who have not
had the violating experiences you alluded to have a difficult time
understanding the importance of listening to children's wishes. If the
grandparents are really worth having in your child's life, they will respect
your wishes, even if they are upset or do not understand your concerns. Go
with your instincts and good luck!
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