Thinking about Having an Affair
Berkeley Parents Network >
Advice >
Family Relations >
Infidelity > Thinking about Having an Affair
December 2004
I have been seriously considering an extra-marital affair. I
don't want to break up my family or leave my husband, who is a
good partner in many ways, but I do want to be desired, admired,
and excited, none of which has been happening in my marriage for a
long time. I have fallen for a man significantly younger than
myself who might, I suspect, be a willing partner -- what I am
wondering is this: do any of you have experience in having
affairs, either negative or positive? I am not interested in
moralizing, just an account of experience. And I wonder how alone
I am out here.
curious and yellow
I am in a very loving and respectful relationship of a number of years.
We have two beautiful kids and are quite content with our
lives. My husband does everything that I want him to do in the
bedroom and he tells me that I satisfy him. Additionally,
neither one of us is particularly jealous of each other. He
tells me about crushes that he has on other women and if I have
a crush I let him know. There is a very clear line that neither
one of us crosses (physical) with anyone else. I have made it
clear that I don't care what he thinks about as long as he is
happy with me. He, however, is much more open about
my ''exploration'' if that is something that I would like. His
only requirement is that he is the one that I ''come home to''.
If I were to be in love with someone else, that would be an
issue. To take this even further, he often fantasizes about me
with someone else when we are having sex. His ultimate is to
have me after someone else has. He has experimented a little
with this when he was younger (3-way with a girlfriend, and no
jealousy when an ex - whom he was in love with - fooled around
with someone else).
So, my question is this: has anyone else been in this situation
and crossed that line? I have expressed my crush to my husband
and he is excited at the prospect. I am, of course, a little
suspicious that he doesn't know himself as well as he thinks he
does and would be disappointed if I were to take advantage of
his statements. Though, I only say that because few people are
as ''open'' as he, not because he acts in any way doubtful.
I'm not interested in a bunch of responses from people telling
me strictly not to unless they have been in my situation
(honestly believing that it would come to no harm). What I want
instead, is opinions from couples who have done this and whether
it was good/bad/exciting/destructive/etc.... How did you manage
the relationship? Did they meet? How discrete were you? Did
both of you have the same agreement (I know this is one-sided,
but I would not be happy thinking about him with another woman)?
anon
I am having an extra-marital affair as I write this and so am
very well-qualified to address your concerns. My husband, due
to depression and an online porn addiction, stopped having sex
with me three years ago. He wouldn't or couldn't talk about the
situation with me, nor would he go get help. I assumed the
problem was me, and that he no longer desired me or cared. He
is a good friend and a good father, but our relationship was
that of roommates. This summer I met a man who expressed great
interest in me and guess what I did? It's been four months, I'm
having great sex, and my female self-esteem has been returned.
However, I told my husband, thinking he didn't care much
anyway, and was suprised to learn that he did care. He's now in
psychotherapy and wants to remedy other areas of our marriage
and has asked me to stop seeing my lover. And here's the
rub...I don't want to. It's beautiful and passionate and it
makes me feel good after YEARS of total physical deprivation.
I'm realizing I have a lot of anger issues toward my husband
that I'm going to have to work out if we're going to move
forward. Meanwhile, my unwillingness (inability?) to stop
seeing my lover has pushed us to the brink of separation. All I
wanted was a husband. My husband.
So. I would say to you: think long and hard about the
ramifications of an affair before you start one. Can it be a
one-off fling or is there a chance you might fall in love with
this guy, no matter how unlikely is seems now, before you've
started having sex with him? As much as we educated grown-up
types like to think we can handle the informal affair, sex is a
powerful act. The emotions it produces can be all-consuming and
destructive. It clouds your sense.
Thnk about what you want before you start. Maybe you could just
tell your husband what you really need from him (I did this in
vain). Think about all possible outcomes.
In the end, having my affair did finally blow a door open into
our marriage and compelled my husband to both start talking
about what was going on with us as well as get help for
himself. Good things. But it's also been very painful (for all
three involved) and how it's going to resolve, I still don't
know.
My two cents from the trenches. Good luck to you in whatever you
decide.
anonymous
Before my marriage, I was in a couple of long-term live-in
committed partnerships. In the earlier one (yikes! 25 years
ago!), my partner and I were explicitly mutually non-monogamous
in principle and, eventually, in practice. We both ended up
having 'affairs' (his were more like flings, mine were more like
alternative relationships). Despite our being about as
open-minded and respectful as one could get, he ended up getting
pretty hurt by my growing emotional attachment to my 'lover.' In
the end we ALL broke up, for many reasons beyond this. But I
learned that 'open' relationships are more psychologically
complicated and delicate than theory or fantasy would suggest.
In my second long-term partnership, I ended up having a secret
affair to explore my desirability to another, my ability to enjoy
another relationship, my commitment to my partner. Eventually my
partner discovered my unfaithfulness and was devastated. I
realize now it was my way of ending that relationship and leaving
but I wish I had been courageous enough to do it without the
disrespect of having an affair.
Finally, I met my now-husband when he was in his first marriage.
Initially I thought we would be (non-sexual) friends. I had NO
intention of falling in love with him, going to bed with him, or
getting mixed up in his marriage. Six weeks later, I was
unexpectedly, deeply, irrevocably in love (as was he) -- which
eventually led to his divorce. Although divorcing was probably
the right thing for both him and his ex, it was a million times
more messy and painful and costly because of his affair with me
before ending his first marriage. If I could do it over again, I
would have done things VERY differently.
So, in sum, the lessons I've drawn from my experience are that I
would NEVER EVER advocate either having an affair with a married
person or, as a married person, having an affair. The chances of
unforeseen heartbreak -- yours and/or another's -- are just too
great.
(Oh, and the opposite side of the coin? Having an affair where
passions do not run too deep or become too intense? My feeling
is, why bother? In the end, it's a waste of time, energy, and
probably self-esteem.)
Been there, won't do that again
Dear ''curious and yellow'': Although I have never responded to
the advice list before, your post rings so many bells that I am
compelled to do so. I am in a satisfying and healthy marriage,
have a young child, and recently had an affair. I was not aware
enough of my desire to be with someone else to consider the
decision as carefully as you are. It ''just happened''--only
once. Though my sense of guilt did take away from the pleasure
of the experience somewhat, it was, as you say, exciting, and it
was thrilling to feel desired and wanted. If you pursue a
sexual relationship with the man you have met, I imagine that you
will feel similarly. The question is at what cost. I certainly
gained, in many ways, from my experience. A few examples: I
feel more confident about my appearance and sexuality and am
more ''tuned in'' to flirtatious energy generally. I am aware
that I need outlets for emotional and physical expression other
than those that I can gain through my partner and family. But
my partner was devastated (they almost always find out--don't
kid yourself). We are still together, very much in love, and
perhaps even closer as a result, but none of the silver linings
have been worth the pain, self-doubt, disillusionment, and
despair caused by my exciting self-indulgence. If I had it to
do over, I would explore ways of engaging intensely with others
and with my environment that would not create my partner such
pain. I'd flirt more with others (but stop short of the
physical), go out more as a couple (dancing, drinking,
whatever), pursue creative activities such as dancing, singing,
and writing, and be more experimental sexually at home. I would
spend more time by myself, read more fiction, and experience
some of the excitement that I craved vicariously. Realistically,
none of these experiences would approximate the intensity of the
affair. I know that, and yet I am determined not to cause
someone I love, who has been very good to me as a spouse and a
co-parent, such pain again. Obviously, the degree of pain that
an affair causes a spouse varies widely and depends on many
factors, but I would go very slowly here. Though it is
extremely difficult to get any distance from the feelings that
lead to an affair, my one piece of advice would be to try to get
some perspective and to seriously consider the feelings and
needs of your husband. Don't convince yourself that he won't
find out--make the decision with the big picture in mind.
Talking with a therapist, or even a close friend, might help
inspire a larger perspective. Good luck to you.
anon.
You say in your post ''I don't want to break up my family or
leave my husband''. I have so much awful experience with these
situations, both through my parents (my mother's behavior
eventually ended their marriage) and my own behavior as a
younger person. I will only say, if you don't want to end your
marriage, don't do this. Your spouse will find out. They
always do - months or years later. Your children may very well
find out, even if your spouse trys to cover for you. You run
the risk of losing everything that matters most in your life,
and it isn't worth it. Thankfully I am happily married with a
child of my own now, but I have caused so much pain to other
people in my past with extra-relationship affairs, and the guilt
doesn't go away. And my relationship with my mother is not much
to speak of. If your children find out they will not
understand, even when they are adults. You will always be the
person that cheated on their mother/father, and they will always
feel torn in their feelings towards you. If you really feel
like you want someone else that badly, be honest and end your
marriage. At least your children will later be able to respect
you for being truthful. Think about this seriously before you
make a decision.
been there
Oddly, I have been in both you ladies positions. I did have an
affair with a younger man, and I have never gotten over the both
the excitment of it, and the guilt. I can't recommend it, unless
you're really feeling it's worth it.
On the second ''affair'' issue, I would only say, think it out
very, very carefully. I had no residual problems, and hey, it was
an extremely cool way of going outside the box, but there has to
be so much trust involved. It sounds like you are more worried
than your husband, and I would ask myself (if I were you),
whether you are really doing it for yourself (maybe and your
husbad), or are you doing it for your husband. He sounds very
excited by the idea, and if you do,too, and you have set very
solid boundaries (what is acceptable, what is not, etc.) as well
as choosing the right person, than why the heck not?
Of course, you are also involving a third (or even a fourth)
party, which means you have extra emotions, extra personalities,
extra bodies, extra everything to contend with and be considerate
for. Is everyone involved ready for the boundaries you and your
husband have set forth? Do they have their own boundaries that
you need to respect? Does everyone understand what the
relationship is going to be like in the future (or if there will
be a future at all)? Is everyone ready for the emotions that can
come from this kind of exchange?
On the other hand, there is alway that one night of really hot,
taboo threesomes that come about naturally in the course of an
evening's hanging out and are executed with an unspoken
understanding that it's heat of the moment and one night is all
it's about. Unfortunately, anything that is unspoken leaves room
for misinterpretation or muddled expectations. More than one
time, and you have to be more careful about considering what
happens.
I've had good and not so good experiences. I don't regret any one
of them, but have learned from each. It's very important that you
don't hurt yourself, or anyone else in this, and sometimes that's
very hard to do.
As for it being one-sided -- I, too, felt that it was more okay
for me than my partner to have the interaction (jealousy rears
it's ugly head). I had a few hurt feelings when things got out of
hand and I had to deal with the fact that I was being
hypocritical. It still hurt when there was more interest in the
third party than in me, and unfortunately, that happens sometime.
Which means you have to be very honest with yourself and your
partner(s) about what you can handle and what you can't, and know
that sometimes it gets a little sticky (no pun intended).
On being discrete: I would ask what you mean by that, because
most couples would feel the necessity in being discrete. In my
case, it wasn't an issue.
By the way, it was really fun, though I wouldn't chose to do it
very often because I would start to feel weird (I mean out of
synch within my relationship) if it became a routine part of our
sex life. But that's just me...
Anon for reasons other than shame
After having been on both ends of this, and going through a
divorce, I'd say it's not worth it. The initial excitement and
fantasy always gives way to some ugly reality. Ask yourself
what you really want from your partner, and whether you really
want the kind of relationship that requires you to lie. At the
very least, I'd recommend exhausting all straightforward avenues
to get what you want first. I do know of others who've gone the
way of having affairs, but I don't actually know anyone who
stayed in their marriage with it, and those who were caught went
through messes and breakups. A desire to have an affair,
whether conscious or unconscious, is (in my opinion) a symptom
of significant problems, but not necessarily and end to the
relationship or and end in itself, and it can create more
problems than it solves.
anon
For both parties interested in affairs. First I hope people
respected your wishes and did not jump on their moral soap box.
The nice part about your life is you get to live it your way.
That being said I know of several VERY HAPPY, well adjusted
LOVING couples that have agreed that they do not need a
monogamous partnership in order to be happy in their marriage.
Both couples have children as well which makes things a little
more complicated in terms of discretion. There are ground rules
that need to be established and agreed to and the most important
aspect for the couples that are interested in letting their
partner seek other ''playmates'' is honest open discussion. For
the person considering the affair where your spouse does not
know...this is a very slippery path. You run major, major risks
with your husband, family and friends never wanting to speak to
you again. No one likes to be lied to and once trust is broken
good luck getting it back. I had an affair once and it was very
hurtful to my partner who I did eventually marry. I still feel
badly thinking back on the time when I did that to a partner
that deserved better. If your marriage is in a slump the best
thing you can do for yourself and your husband is to try talking
honeslty about your feelings, if that doesn't make any
improvements then try counseling, then try laying it on the line
and letting him know that if things don't improve you may feel
compelled to go elsewhere. If this leads to divorce then so be
it but having an illict affair involves too many people that are
innocent who can be hurt. Especially your children. I can't
tell you how many kids I know who's parent had an affair and
have serious trust issues in their own relationships. AT the
end of the day it's selfish and I regret my affair. The only
thing that was good that came of it was when I told by partner
that I had an affair he suddenly became very interested in my
needs and what it would take to make us happy. But I think if I
had just been really honest about how I was feeling that I might
have gotten the same results. Your life...your call. Good
luck.
Anon
I cannot say I have never fantasized about a extra-martial
romance. I think that is normal. Married life brings
familiarity and normalcy. A romance is exciting and deviant.
But I know the boundaries and I can say having two parents who
BOTH had affairs it is incredibly destructive for the children
not to mention the marriage. If you decide your happiness
exceeds the happiness and well being of your children, go for
it. I can say though there is a reason you post your question.
You know, soon or later, it will be destructive. Marriage and
children are stressful enough why would anyone want to add
another stressful element. An affair is the most self-centered
thing one can do to a family.
Anon
I'm 37 and happily married now. When I was in my mid-20s, I
dated a married man for about a year. Bad news. It wasn't fair
to myself, the man or his wife. It damaged my self-esteem and
made me feel ashamed, which I still feel today and will carry
with me for the rest of my life.
Sneaking around with someone loses its appeal fast. It's not as
fulfilling or fun as it sounds. You are always worried about
being caught, and you can't eat out and travel without worrying
about bumping into someone you know. I got so tired of all the
lying and deceit, and I felt so bad about myself (actually,
that's why I dated the guy to begin with). I couldn't tell
people about what was going on in my life. Your family will
probably eventually find out, and even if not, the guilt could
eat you alive. If your family does find out, it will do serious
damage to everyone.
I urge you to read ''Surrendering to Marriage: Husbands, Wives
and Other Imperfections'' by Iris Krasnow (not to be mistaken
for ''the surrendered wife'', a VERY different book) and to start
marriage counseling. I advise not having the affair because
they really aren't that fulfilling and are very damaging to
everyone involved, whether they know about it or not. Don't
risk doing permanent damage to your own self-esteem. People
have affairs because they feel so bad about themselves. You can
see a counselor alone to deal with why you are so unhappy and
unfulfilled. That will help you reach happiness and
fulfillment, where an affair will just make you feel worse. If
you do pursue this affair, please use condoms to protect your
husband from sexually transmitted diseases.
Anon
I had an affair a few years ago and it did not turn out the way I
expected at all. I had been living with my husband for nearly 20
years. During all that time I had never
been disloyal and as far as I knew, neither had he. We had
children, and I thought my marriage was pretty happy, pretty
stable. But I decided that I wanted to have an affair. I found
myself at a point in my life where, for the first time, I was
thinking about sex all the time, just constantly, and nothing was
happening at home. I wanted to feel desired again, I wanted the
excitement, and I thought I was getting old and might not ever
have the chance again to enjoy sex. I had a close male friend.
I wasn't particularly attracted to him but I liked him, and he
agreed. This would be just a physical thing - he had a
girlfriend, and I was married, and we both agreed it would not be
a romantic thing, just sex. This turned out to be a very naive
assumption. Within 6 months we were totally in love with each
other. He broke it off several times because our relationship was
becoming so serious and he felt guilty about my kids and he did
not want to be the ''other man'' who broke up their parents'
marriage. Each time he left I was devastated. After one of these
times my husband found me crying uncontrollably and I had to make
up a story. When I was with the other man, I felt I had never
been so happy, never been so in love. I felt I could not live
without him. Long story short, I moved out, divorced my husband,
and married the other man. That was years ago. I am very, very
happy. But at the time, it was extremely traumatic for everyone -
my ex, my kids, my friends, my family. Looking back, it seems so
stupid that I thought I could have a physical relationship with
no strings attached. On the other hand, I had no idea how unhappy
I was in my first marriage until I saw how life could be with
someone else. I'm sure I would never have left my husband if I
had not started the affair. I am very thankful that I did have
that affair, but not for the reasons I thought originally. So my
advice is to think very carefully about what you'll do if you
find yourself falling in love with the other man. Are you
prepared to break up your marriage if that happens? Can you walk
away from the affair if things start getting serious?
Anon
I refrain from moralizing. While I have had no direct experience
with what you are considering, here are my two concerns for you:
1) STDs--someone who entertains multiple partners, open
relationships, might be more vulnerable to giving or contracting
an STD, and know that condoms, dental dams, etc. are not fully
protective against HIV, HEP C, Herpes, HPV, Gonorrhea, Syphillis,
etc., etc;, etc.
2) My other concern is an emotional one, and something akin to
this did happen to a friend's friend--a couple whom my friend
considered divorce-proof, and, at the time, the couple had a
5-year old daughter. Although the intention was sex, the new
partner and the wife fell in love with each other. The married
couple divorced,the ''new'' couple did not stay together, and the
situation was messy and unresolved and traumatic for everyone
involved, mostly, sadly enough, the child involved
Another variation on this theme is that there could be
assymetrical interest. One-half of the dyad gets obsessed with,
falls in love with, pines, yearns for the other half, who may or
may not be willing to leave a marriage.
Most of all, despite one's sure knowledge about oneself or one's
partner, ya never really do know until you are in the situation.
And, what about the possibility of the ''unincluded'' partner
starting to get obsessed, crazed, jealous, depressed,
voyeuristic, etc.?
Just some things to contemplate, esp. if there is a child's
welfare involved.
Frea
To the person ''seriously considering'' having an affair. I feel compelled to respond,
as I am currently in the midst of my learning experience. I say with understanding
and total lack of judgement - don't do it. After over a decade of a perfect, but
perhaps too comfortable marriage, I found myself seriously considering the same
thing. I had an opportunity with a very attractive, interesting man, and convinced
myself that my marriage was lacking in 'something' and I needed this affair. I never
wanted to lose my life partner and best friend, or my home, or my stability, self-
respect and respect from our community of people; nor did I desire to lose having
somebody to talk to over dinner every night, or somebody to take vacations with
whenever I wanted; nor did I want to lose that special person who takes me to
dinner every year on my birthday, or makes me dinner on Valentine's Day; and I
didn't intend to lose my retirement and medical benefits, or my freedom to be out
of work for a while when I don't know what I WANT to do with my life; and I certainly
never meant to leave my young child fatherless. It never occured to me in a second
that ALL of that might happen if I stuck one foot out of my marriage to experience
the excitement I felt as a 20 year old once again. However, all of that did happen,
and to this day, I still do NOT believe it. My life was ruined by this mistake, and I
implore you to not make the same mistake. If you are genuinely unhappy in your
marriage, leave with dignity before you lose everything this way. If you do NOT
want to lose your marriage, don't do this. Your spouse WILL find out, and you WILL
regret it. I say this to help you, and I have been there and understand. Just don't
do
it.
If I could only go back in time...
this page was last updated: Jan 29, 2007
The opinions and statements expressed on this website
are those of parents who subscribe to the
Berkeley Parents Network.
Please see
Disclaimer & Usage for
information about using content on this website.
Copyright © 1996-2013 Berkeley Parents Network