Scared and Angry about Affair
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June 2002
I can't believe I'm asking for this kind of advice, but here I
am. I just found out last week that my husband is having a long
term affair with one of his employees. I have many pieces of
evidence that expound his love and longing to be with this
person. I am a working mother of 4 year old girl/boy twins. I
am in shock, I'm numb and really angry. We have been going to
counseling for about six months. I suspected something back in
Jan/Feb and asked him point blank in our counseling sessions.
He said no that he and his employee were friends. During this
time he put little effort into our relationship, made me feel
like it was all my fault and continued to see this person. I'm
taking steps to protect myself and my children, but I know I'm
not thinking clearly. My family knows and his does as well.
They all know that this situation lies directly with my
husband. Any and all advice is deeply appreciated.
Scared and Angry Mother
You situation sounds exactly like what happened to me, though my
children were older at the time. I had decided before I knew
for certain that he was having an affair that I did not want to
be married to someone who would not put his marriage and family
first (needless to say, he was very detached and not around a
lot at the time). I asked him to move out and the affair was
confirmed after that. I immediately filed for divorce, my
feeling that I did not want to be married to such a person
stronger than ever, and wanting to get on with my life. It was
scary, but the benefits were immediate. The atmosphere at home
improved 100% and 10 years later the kids and I are happy and
doing very well. It is hard to raise kids in a single-parent
household, but there are so many resourcse--family, friends,
etc.--that you may not realize you have to make it easier. The
important thing is to think about what sort of future you want
and can imagine for yourself and your children. I simply did
not want to stay with someone who obviously did not respect me
or our family.
It can be hard to get through a time like this, no matter what
you decide (he had had an earlier, less serious affair when our
first child was an infant), but the hurt and anger will lessen,
especially if you decide to do what is best for you, to shrug
off the burden his affair places on you. It's hard, but don't
let his bad behavior ruin your self-esteem or set you back.
anonymous
My advice -- leave him! If you have the proof and say that he
is still seeing this woman, don't put yourself through anymore
hurt. It won't help the kids by staying with him. It'll hurt
in the beginning, but you'll be SOOOOO much better off!!!!
Kristin in Alameda
First off, I am so terribly sorry that you are in this
situation. I'm sure everyone on this list feels horrible and
wishes we never had to see these types of posts. But such is
life...
You are in counseling, which is the natural first step. But it
sounds as if your husband is not working on your marriage. I've
been involved in counseling for alcohol addiction and the advice
is the same = the first step in solving the problem is to STOP.
No going slow - you must go cold turkey. Your husband cannot
possibly think he is going to begin to repair his marriage if he
is still actively having this affair. If he is committed to
your marriage and saving it, he needs to stop seeing this person
now and FOCUS.
Obviously, you have an unhappy road ahead of you for the time
being. If your husband won't 'buck up', start taking steps to
protect yourself (your assets, children, etc). If he won't stop
seeing this person, you have to ask yourself if you'll stay
around and wait, or just leave. Its up to you and its a hellish
decision either way.
Unfortunately you can't change someone else - they have to want
to change. If he isn't going to change, you'll save yourself
continued heartache by taking action now.
Again, I am so sorry you have to go through this. I truly hope
it works out for the best.
Julie
I had a similiar experience with my ex-husband who began
to betray me while I was pregnant. He acted mean and
angry and aggressive towards me right through to my baby's
birth and for months later. He too, denied having an affair.
We did the therapy thing and he was dishonest within the
context of that too. I had already kicked him out, then allowed
him back in, only to be burned once more time by woman #2
when my baby was 10 months old. I felt like I had to try
everything to forgive him and make it work for the future of
my child, and of course to preserve what I thought was my
dream marriage and family. I was extra humiliated by the
effort to put things behind us but I can't regret trying because
I will alway know for my child's sake I gave it everything I
had. My feeling is unless the man professes a love and
committment to you and a certain contriteness about what
he did (mine never did) there is minimal chance of 'happily
ever after.' There is a great book called ''When Your Lover
Lies'' by Susan Forward which helps to be on alert to more
lies and deception and how to best adapt an attitude to
protect yourself now and in future relationships. My belief is
that when betrayal is revealed and the individual continues
to lie and sleeze, it is a whole nother ballgame. I don't
recommend mediation, and therapy functions best in an
environment of honesty and vulnerability. Allow yourself (as
much as possible away from the twins) to be as angry and
ballistic as you want. Protect your interests and set yourself
up in life as best you can, try to negotiate calmly and with
clear determination. This seems to happen to more women
of young children than I ever realized and the costs
(emotional/psychic/material) inflicted by men of this kind are
great. However you get through this horribly traumatic time,
your inner strength and creative resources will bring you to a
place far beyond where you dreamed possible. I'm sorry this
happened to you.
Bon Voyage
I feel compelled to reply to your post, because I was
the ''midlife crisis'' poster a while ago, who experienced a
related hurt and benefitted greatly by the responses received,
incl. the book tips. I looked at my marriage, excluding
the ''not in-love'' issue, to see how rich it was or not. I saw
sharing of resources, spending fun family time together, equal
share of household and child care duties, relief time for each
spouse to go out with friends, honest straightforward
conversation with each other, and enjoying the night sky
together. That is a lot to be happy for. It also sunk in that
I have no ultimate control over someone elses action. (Maybe
it's good that I found this out before my child got to be a
teenager). I only have control over my actions and feelings and
had to define for myself when enough is enough. Pay close
attention to your health and promise your body what you will do
to protect it - you are your own best friend.
You cannot stop your husband's feelings/sexual arousal for
someone else and you cannot make him be intimate with you, but
you can decide under which conditions you continue to live with
him or leave or divorce. Does he want to be a single parent with
2 children or look forward to paying alimony for 2 and pay for
another place to live? All of that for having sex with an
employee? Does he want to live with her, start a family with
her? (My husband realized that he never wants live with another
woman and start over, and never wants to have another child with
another woman). You also cannot make him stop seeing this
woman. However, you can clearly state that you prefer that the
affair be ended and tell him upfront what your limits are in
terms of staying together. Establishing new boundaries has
helped us a great deal. And it's not one person telling the
other ''that's the way I'll do it and you deal with it.''
Somewhere, compassion for each other has to play a significant
part in it and you may find a new positive definition together
for what you guys are at this point in time. I think a strong
friendship is essential to get there. We have defined ourselves
as affectionate best friends who have been married for a long
time and want to raise our child as best as we can together. The
new commitment is to take care of our own sexual needs as they
arise (but not with other partners) until we're ready to be
intimate again with each other, embracing the uncertainty that
it can take a long time or may never happen again. Starting
another outside affair means divorce. As harsh as this reads,
we're both happier than ever.
Maybe your marriage can be redefined to something that feels
good to both of you, maybe there is no common ground. Your
counselor should be able to help you with that. We arrived there
on our own. I am still occasionally grappling with trust issues,
but this is my own insecurity and I will deal with that myself.
I've ordered the book ''after the affair'' and hope to gain some
help from that. The book ''Forgive for good'' has helped me
tremendously to move beyond the grievance and replace fear and
anger with peace of mind. I can highly recommend it to you for
the situation you find yourself in. (Note: forgiving does not
mean tolerating nor reconciling).
Anonymous
Firstly, my heart absolutely goes out to you. What a profound
breech of trust you have endured. Since I can't be in your
mocassins, as my mom would say, I can't presume to suggest what
you should do. I can however, suggest what I would do, which
is the following. I would call my folks, or someone I really
trust, to look after the kids for a three-day weekend. Then I
would call my best friend, who lives in Philadelphia, and ask
her to head to the airport, and she and I would meet in a
sacred healing place (which for me would be Santa Fe, New
Mexico, but it could just as easily be the Big Sur coast, or
Pt. Reyes, or Muir Woods and the Pelican Inn) and I would cry
for the first 48 hours or so, and then with the next 24 hours I
would deeply meditate on my path (and that of my children). I
would need to know the following: Is my path, most importantly,
in this marriage, or not? I would trust that in that setting
the answer would make itself known. Either way, with husband
or without, I would know the road ahead to be incredibly
painful. But only you know whether, regarding your husband, he
is for you and you are for him at this difficult juncture.
Upon returning home, I would find myself a great therapist and
call upon all my girlfriends for support. And I would tell my
kids as much as possible without totally rocking their world,
even when I didn't have all the answers. Best of all possible
luck to you during these difficult times, and thank you for
sharing your concerns with this community.
Deborah
If your situation does head toward separation and divorce, then
I recommend calling Kids' Turn, a nonprofit group that helps
kids deal with their parents' separation and divorce. I've
heard good things about them. The number is 835-8445. good luck
to you and your kids.
Sarah
you have every right to be angry and scared, but don't let it
paralyze you. sounds to me like you need to get out of
the ''marriage.''
suzie
My heart goes out to you--this is a horrible shock and I would
imagine you feel incredibly frightened and betrayed. I work
with couples frequently and the subject of affairs has never
come up without it feeling devastating for one or both
partners. My hope is that you can continue in couples therapy
and that you feel safe enough to talk about, cry about and be
angry about all of the things that have come to light. I would
highly recommend a book called ''After the Affair'' (Janis Spring
Abrahms) as a way of, on your own, getting support and
perspective on what has and is still happening and as a way of
maintaining some hope that things might turn out in the best way
for you and your family. And if you aren't already, you might
also want to consider finding an individual therapist so that
you can, in addition to working on this in couples therapy, work
in a safe place on your own. Feel free to call if you would
like a recommendation for an individual therapist. 433-2959
My best to you,
Michael Simon, MFT
First of all let me say that I am very sorry you are going
through this torment. I can only imagine the pain and suffering
you're experiencing not having been exposed to that type of
situation.
However, as a mother I can't help but concern myself with how
this is affecting your two young kids. In times likes these, I
believe parents often forget how perceptive children are to
their surroundings and how too they are affected by their
parent's trials and tribulations. Having said that, I really
think you should consinder or accept the fact that counseling is
no longer a solution but perhaps your last hope to hold on to an
unstable marriage. If you want to continue going to couseling, I
think you should look into going to something for yourself, and
find something that will help make you stronger and more focused
on what your next step should be.
I know it can be scary considering the possibility of being a
single mom, especially with more than one young child, but
sometimes children are better off with two seperate stable
parents than with two unstable married parents. Like my mom
always says, ''It's better to be alone, than in bad company''.
My advice to you, prepare yourself for the worst case scenario.
Don't allow yourself to be surprised by a sudden separation or
divorce. Do what you have to do to make sure your and that of
your children's future become a more stable and healthy one.
Best of luck to you.
Sympathetic Friend
I would like to share my experience, in the hopes that it will
help you through the painful experience you are having. Your
story could have been mine---20 years ago. When I was pregnant
with our first child I found that my husband had been
unfaithful. He travelled a lot and the pattern of affairs when
he was out of town continued over the next few years. I stayed
with him and tried to put it all behind me and concentrate on
the positive things in our relationship. I told myself that it
was important for my daughter (and then a second daughter) to
have their father in their lives. Many years went by, in fact,
it took 17 years for us to come to the point of divorce. And
the strange thing was that even all those years later, when our
family therapist asked me ''when did the marriage end for you?'' I
realized that my marriage had ended the moment I found out about
the first affair....17 years earlier. Even though we had been
living together as a family for all those years. I won't go
into all the details of the price I paid for those years of
living the illusion of being a family. I'll just mention quickly
that it turns out that I was not protecting my daughters, in
fact they suffered as much as I did from the betrayals. I
thought they didn't know about them, but it turns out that kids
know much more than you ever tell them. The good news is that
now, 3 years after the divorce, I have met an incredible man,
who really loves and respects me and my children. My kids
definately show the scars of living in our family, and we are
all 3 working through all our pain and trying to learn a few
lessons from the painful experiences of the past 20 years. But
it is never to late to do the right thing for yourself and for
your children. My best wishes are going to you and may you find
a way through your pain to the peace and love that are waiting
for you on the other side.
anonymous
I too suffered through this type of betrayal with my husband, but
I had just delivered my 2nd child. He stated point blank in
therapy several months previously, that he was not having an
affair. Well, without going through the humiliating details of
the desperation I felt, it all seemed to come down to a couple of
facts. I still felt love for him, and therefor was willing to
travel that painful journey to forgiveness. He desperately wanted
to be a good father to his children and realized that he could
not accomplish this as well, outside the marriage. Coupled with
a reality check regarding how he could actually have a life of
fantasy while paying child support and providing another home
for his children? His love for me has rekindled in the process
of healing and therapy. And I realized that I was accountable for
my part in this. I helped to drive him away with anger. The anger
I think had something to do with sleep deprivation from child 1,
and from my feelings of frustration at trying to be a good
mother, and a good full time employee, and a good spouse. I think
I subconciously blamed my husband for not providing well enough
for me to stay home and raise the children as my mother had. I
needed to revisit my goals and priorities, and make some changes.
So, that said....do you love him enough to forgive him
eventually? Does he love you and the family enough to cease his
behavior, ask and seek forgiveness? Do you have a therapist that
you really trust? Its a long hard road, and you may not be able
to answer any questions right now. Focus on holding it together
for your children. If necessary, ask him to leave(but he cannot
move in with the OTHER), to give you both space to consider your
feelings and thoughts. Make sure he will care for the kids 50%
of the time if he moves out. Let him stay at home and you go stay
with a friend or family member, this can be a crucial step in
detachment and perspective! Lastly, my best wishes are with you.
anon
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