Finally, as for the people and their rude comments-- I got that sometimes, too. ''Wow- that was quick!'' Since when did a 2 year age difference become odd? Quite frankly, I'm glad I'm having the two closer together-- I'll be off on that trip to Italy I've been dying for while everyone else is dealing with baby #2 and is ''saying goodbye to the next 3 years'' for the second time!

Good luck! Another mommy of 2 in 2

I will say one thing I wish I had heard before, which is about the threat you feel to the bond with your first baby. This second baby is all about change, which is always a mixed bag. There IS mourning to be done over what is no more, but it really does settle into a better place. When my second was born, I spent some time crying over my first's difficulty accepting my preoccupation. And then other moms started saying, ''oh, yeah. I remember that. It was really sad for a short time, but it really does get better than it ever was.'' And it has. I just sort of resented everyone either being unrealistically cavalier about how it would be fine, or obnoxiously pessimistic.

Check out momys.com (mothers of many young siblings) for good ideas and support.

Find places like PriPri Cafe, where your older one can play safely while you nurse your younger.

GO TO THE GYM. They watch your babies, and you get sane and healthy.

Buy a Moby carrier, or something like it. Your younger will sleep as though in the womb, while you move around the world with your older.

Play games where your infant flies through the air to land for kisses from the older, creating positive and fun associations to replace ''intruder'' associations.

Have the older ''help'' you with changing diapers and massaging baby, etc.

ACCEPT ALL OFFERED HELP.

Keep posting on BPN.

Best wishes. Jenn

Personally, I wasn't ready to have another baby until my child was at least 2 1/2. I know several people who have two children under the age of 2 and I admire the hell out of them! Sure, it's a boat load of work, but there are also tremendous benefits. I started 7 years ago and am now still having to confront going through another baby phase (we're trying to get pregnant again).

Aside from all that; I can imagine how frustrating it must be to hear other people's opinions about your family planning decisions. I'm very sorry about that, but know that there are many people who admire you. Another Mom

Once someone referred to our type of child spacing as the ''Done Plan.'' I actually thought that was pretty funny -- and true! My kids are now 7 and 9 and I am just done with the baby thing altogether. People who have kids very far apart almost have to ''start over'' with things that come with baby: diapers, sleepless nights, temper tantrums... I like our spacing and find that they have similar interests, which makes it easy to plan family outings and adventures.

Good luck and don't let the grumpy guys get you down. All done!

I think that people like to torment others. I heard a lot 'get your sleep now, because you will never get it again' type warnings with my first child. She was sleeping through the night at 8-weeks, so much for that prophecy. I got warnings of 'how tough it was going to be' with my two under two. Sure, changing two sets of diapers got old and dealing with the terrible two-and-a-halfs while still nursing a six-month-old, was a drag. But, I would have to deal with the issues at some point anyway. May as well deal with all the heavy stuff at once, rather than make your life torture for years on end. The pay-off is great. -been there, love it

My advice for you is get as much help as possible the first few weeks. That doesn't have to mean hiring someone but if you don't already belong to some kind of group or organization like a MOMS Club join one and sign up for meals to be delivered to your home. Ask friends and family to watch your older child so you can rest. If possible get a postpartum doula. Lastly, trust your instincts and talk through your anxiety before you give birth and after. mdr

I won't lie to you, the first year is hard. But it is so wonderful, and so much easier, to have kids who are close enough in age to enjoy the same things - the same excursions, the same music, the same books. The older one isn't sitting around bored stiff while you read them a baby book - they can still enjoy a ''baby'' book themselves. And this way, you get the baby stage over and out of your life that much sooner, so your life becomes easy again that much sooner.

I too feared for my lost relationship with my older child, and feel horribly guilty that I would not be able to give my second child that same one-to-one time. Fear not - your relationship with your second child will be different, but just as deep. It will grow in a different way, because s/he is a different person. And your older child will learn, grow, and flower as an older sibling.

So, ignore the nay-sayers (or give them your best icy stare), and enjoy your wonderful family! happy mama of 2

As to keeping your sanity... well... I have to say, the first year to 18 mos were very hard and while I knew we would all get through it, I wasn't always positive that I'd arrive on the other side with my sanity intact!! And, frankly, I did feel like I had no life during the bulk of that time. It was also hard to juggle my older child and my feelings about how it was impacting her (much worse than the actual impact I think).

So not only is it physically difficult (hopefully you are much younger than me and it won't be so bad) but the emotional impact is tremendous as well.

Having said all that, now that they are 3 and 5 - its wonderful!! They are close enough in age that they enjoy playing together, with the same things for the most part, we don't have to plan separate activities for them, etc. We can often do joint play-dates (although we do them separately as well). They are very close and truly each other's best friend. I love that. Many people I know whose kids are 3-4-5 years apart have a much harder time managing everything as they get older because the kids aren't really able to do the same things at the same time. It's especially heart breaking to watch when the one who is 4 years older shuts the little one out of their room (although completely normal for them to need time to do ''big kid'' stuff).

Does make me feel bad about my own little sister who is 4 years younger and to whom I'm sure I was not always kind! We were never close as kids and I often think that the large space in our ages had a lot to do with it - although my parents could have done a better job with the sibling thing too. :)

I think basically that no matter what spacing you end up with for your kids, you will ''pay for it'' in the sense that it will either be harder at the beginning or harder as they get older. There is no perfect way to do it so just do the best you can - make sure to read Siblings w/o Rivalry and help them grow to be good friends. Then it will be much easier after the first year or two.

Good Luck, My kids are close too

Sure, your older one won't get as much time with you, but he'll have a sister to play with. And as they get older, that will be more important than time with you.

For getting 1-on-1 time, we take full advantage of the difference in bedtimes to take the older one to do special fun things at night. One of us stays home with the sleeping baby and the other takes the older one out. He'll go to his favorite sushi restaurant with his dad or I'll take him to the beach. As the little one is getting older and more interested in his own stuff, we take them both to the park or the zoo or whatever so each can follow his own interests.

There are some tough things about having 2. The hardest is that when my husband takes one off to do something, there is another one here so I don't get downtime. But that would be true now matter how we spaced them.

Sorry people are so rude to you. Maybe they are trying to be funny or maybe they are just clueless. But at any rate, you and your family are the lucky ones. Already thinking about a 3rd

However, I do think two under two has its advantages. Primarily, my kids are close enough in age to be playmates. The first year was a lot of work, make no mistake, but now my kids are 6 and 4 1/2 and have been best friends since the younger was about a year old. They don't require a parent to entertain them all the time, because they entertain each other, and they are interested in the same activities.

I don't see this in the families I know with kids 3 or 4 years apart. Hope this makes you feel better. It really is do-able. mom of 2

i met a fantastic woman in her 60's last year on a plane flight who said that, if at all possible, i should try to have my 2nd so that my kids were two years apart. she said she has noticed with her own 6 kids and others that the ones who are 2 years apart end up being the closest with one another. we decided to wait a bit longer and perhaps our two kids (if i get pregnant again) will be closer to 2 1/2 years or 3 years apart. she made such a convincing argument that i still feel sad that we didn't start trying a bit sooner. i have also talked to many others who feel this way. of course, as you already know, there are joys and challenges with kids but i think it's fantastic to have 2 under 2. one of my best friends had twins just as her older child was turning 2 and they are a fantastic family of 5. yes, it was a bit chaotic at first but they got into a routine and they are doing great. good luck and i'm jealous! anon

My two children are 23 months apart. We, too, were trying for a second child, and were planning on two-and-a-half to three years between them. We got pregnant on the first try, so the separation was a bit shorter! I wasn't too freaked out, as my siblings and I were two years (or less) apart, and we all grew up just fine.

Be aware that once your new baby is born, you may very well have moments when you feel as though you've betrayed your first child. When my son was a newborn, I remember feeling as though my heart would break whenever my daughter -- the older sibling - - would cry about any of the myriad things toddlers cry about. In retrospect, I know the intensity of those feelings had a lot to do with postpartum hormones, which make me feel everything tenfold. This lasted about a month or so for me. If you can remind yourself of that hormonal effect -- and its temporary nature -- during your own postpartum months, you won't be nearly as likely to beat yourself up about it. Remember to take care of yourself as well as your babies!

Yes, I was tired during that first year, and yes, I felt like I spent a lot of time changing endless diapers and keeping baby brother out of the way of big sister's two-year-oldness. But this really started to ease up in a big way once my son was about nine months old. They are five and seven now, and very close. In fact, they're each other's best friends! I so enjoy hearing them invent games and play ''let's pretend'' together. Every time you feel guilty about not having as much one-on-one time with the second child as you did with the first, remember that your first child didn't have the joy of having a live-in playmate that your second one will. In the end, it all evens out!

Long story short -- that postpartum hormone-driven emotional rollercoaster ride is only temporary. Don't jump to any conclusions in the midst of it -- especially about whether you've betrayed your first child! And know that all the lost sleep and physical exhaustion of that first year as a parent of two really will be repaid when your kids are old enough to really interact with each other. Best wishes to you and your growing family!

Happy to have two babies

congratulations. i know this is an amazing time in your life and a huge change.

i had two under two. our circumstances were different - i had a tough adjustment to the first (boy) but worked through it. we then got pregnant by accident with our little girl (now 8 months). i was also upset about loosing the one-on-one interaction with my son. but, since infants are relatively portable in the beginning we maintained our relationship and did kind of wean into the change. he really has moments of loving his sister. but, he also has phases where he doesn't like her. i spend a lot of time trying to get them to focus on different toys. she is always going after the car he is playing with, or his train track. i use as much distraction as possible but it is still really hard sometimes.

don't hold the baby when you come home. focus on him. make him feel like it isn't a big deal.

i feel like my boy and i are closer than we used to be - partly because having his sister around has been a joy to me. they are both so special and i feel like i love them quite equally, but so differently. i was worried i would resent her, i don't.

it is extremely hard. it is true. the comments have merit. two isn't just double work, it is more like triple. sorry. i had to get help around the house to clean, get groceries without straining myself, etc. i know it is a luxury, but it makes life a little simpler if i can run errands alone. and you get so tired.

also, i have private time for both. i get a babysitter or nanny to come on off work days (i work a couple days a week) and take one or the other out and try to have a couple hours alone to make them feel like they don't always have to have the other one around. i know this isn't always reasonable for everyone, but i feel like i want to do it for them. on the other hand, this form of sibling socialization is really important for them to learn about love. and they will always have a best friend as long as you try to help them avoid competing (my sister and i still compete and i hate it, we are 16 months apart).

anyways, i think in the long run things will get easier, maybe in another 6 months or so, and they can start playing more together, napping at the same time for the same amount (she is on two naps still), etc. i am just tired most of the time and drained by the lack of private time right now. but, remember that all people manage the stress of children differently and i may find it more draining than you! beth

I got the same comments, which continued at a tremendous volume when the little one was born. But I had a different reaction to them. I took them as a compliment, like the person was in awe of my amazing bravery and ability. Having two very young children is hard but you could reframe the comments as a nod to your dedication. And the comments will keep coming so you gotta do something to reframe or you'll be miserable every time you go out in public with the babies. Remember people make comments for different reasons. They may be trying to be friendly and make conversation, know nothing about children and are terrified of them, are remembering when they had kids and projecting, are trying to be supportive, are just curious, have no tact, etc....

Someone once told me something that was shocking but REALLY helped - the first year is biggest demand of your energy that you will ever endure. I am very practical and prefer knowing what's coming so I can prepare for it. For me just knowing this going into it was a big help because I didn't feel like I had to make it something else. This is not going to be year full of sweet hallmark moments. It will be a grouchy, messy, exhausting year. BUT this person also told me that it only lasts a year and it did. It wasn't a walk in the park after that but it wasn't so crazy anymore.

I know this is not what you asked for but it was more helpful to me than any sweet anecdote could ever have been so I hope it helps you. As far as your other worries. I had the same feelings but looking at it from the other side they were completely unfounded. Yes, your family's dynamic will absolutely change. You'll likely see sleep disturbances, clinginess, and some mood swings in your 2 year old, along with behaviors to match. But this is your child's way of processing this big new thing happening. He will not think you don't love him or that you betrayed him, these are all adult abstract ideas. Be understanding in his most difficult moments, carve out some time for him and you, and don't push him to be a big boy and you'll be fine. Mama of two babies

How annoying that everyone is giving you negative predictions about your future! I would come up with something charming and cheerful to use in response. Put people in their place, with a lovely smile. ''Well, I am glad it's happening to me, and not you.'' Or something more eloquent than that. People mean well--they are just saying something that is not helpful to you.

Line up a little bit of help for the first month or two. It's so nice to have a visiting aunt or grandma who can entertain one child when you feed the other or get them down to nap. Or while you nap. :)

I was heartbroken about the adjustment for my older son. I am an oldest child and hence might likewise be projecting. We found that keeping socially busy was a great help to him. We had play dates with his buddies. We had people bring us dinner and hang out to play. Ask that your visitors say hi to the oldest before fawning over the baby. Have a few small wrapped gifts on hand so that if somebody only brings a gift for the baby, you'll have something to help the big kid still feel special. Also, try to have alone time with the toddler. Outings are great. But just a walk around the block or a lingering bath time are good too. My boy really wants me to take over bedtime, rather than his dad.

Our oldest has good days and bad days. He has regressed a little and wants to drink milk out of a bottle from time to time. This i indulge--what's the harm? It's hard to know if his occasional temper tantrums are sister induced, or a result of his age. I figure he'd be having a hard time right about now either way. And I believe he's forgotten life without them around.

Good luck to you guys! hannah

I don't know why people seem to enjoy telling parents how hard it's going to be, having two kids under 2; they seem positively gleeful about the trouble they imagine you having, don't they? Unfortunately, the snarky comments don't stop coming with the birth; strangers daily say things to me like ''Bet you wished you'd waited longer between babies!'' or ''Wow, you really must have been in a hurry to make that second one!'' and such. The nicest comments I get are things like, ''Wow, you've really got your hands full there!'' and even that kind of rubs me the wrong way, on bad days when I'm ready to be rubbed the wrong way. Occasionally, people do say ''Wow, you three look like you're really having fun together!'', which always feel great, but doesn't happen often, even though usually we are actually having fun. So you have to develop a thick skin. For the yucky comments, I usually say something like ''Fortunately, I love them both very very much.'' If you say it very emphatically, it sounds a lot like ''mind your own beeswax'', and I think it's a nice thing for the girls to hear when some bone-headed grownup has just been cheerfully insinuating to them that I might regret their existence. Cory

Of course there are ups and downs to everything, but I think it is good to have them close so that the older one does not have years of being an only child.

People would say rude things, just different rude things, if they were farther apart! good luck and have fun! mom of now 4 and 6 year olds

I really wanted to have kids 2 years apart (was actually hoping for 22 months) because my sister and I are 22 months apart and she is and always has been my best friend (except for her last 2 years of high school/my first 2 of college...but that is another story =).

So far, our guys get along famously. We took many of the ''common'' steps to try to set this up such as letting our oldest tell everyone the little one's name each time someone approached us; trying our best to never blame something on the baby (but to take responsibility ourselves...such as I can't do X right now because I am doing Y); let the big one pick out his own present to bring to the baby in the hospital; have the little one bring home a present to give to the big one when he came home from the hospital; etc.

The best thing that happened to us was that a photographer at the hospital was there when the big one came to meet the little one...and she set the big one on the bed completely surrounded by pillows...and had the big one hold the little one all by himself (we would never have been brave enough to do this). Boy oh boy, you should have seen how pleased our oldest was of himself. He just kept saying ''I holded by brodder! I holded my brodder!!'' To this day, he LOVES to hold his brother (though it is getting tricky now as the little one isn't so little anymore...and he tends to wiggle away).

The absolute hardest part was the first six weeks. If you thought you were tired the first time... As my sister told me, the hardest part is that you are up all night nursing the baby; and as soon as you both fall asleep, the big one wakes up...and was she ever right!!!

Also, I found that since my husband and I had to ''divide and conquer'' a lot of the time, especially at bedtime, that I was lonely for my oldest (though he was thrilled with extra Daddy time). On the flip side, I found that it was much easier to ''fall in love'' with the little one...because I was more confident and not terrified all the time.

My sister also gave me a bunch of books. The one I found most helpful was called ''Siblings without Rivalry.''

It will be exhausting...but it is wonderful. Funny how all the people always tell parents how hard it is to be parents, but they never mention how fun it is. We find our children to be hilarious...and they both enjoy and laugh with each other. Anon

On a day to day basis it's pretty tough, as I expected it to be at first. My son is in daycare part time and I recommend getting some time for just you and the new one if you are able to pull it off financially. For the first month I was so attached to my daughter that I felt more distant from my son, but now that we've gotten the hang of things, that closeness is back. The good news is that it is not as crazy as I feared and the joy of a newborn is amazing the second time around and also through our son's young perspective.

It is definitely harder taking care of two under two since they still need so much from their parents. But, I also know that this will bring closeness and joy throughout life. My husband is close in age to his sister and has treasured his close relationship with her his whole life.

I say respond to the comments with a quip about how this is just how you wanted your family to be - and it's going to be a crazy but beautiful ride!! Am there

2. As for the worries about child # 1, maybe you could ask your spouse, other trusted people, or your pediatrician if this is a common worry, and what kind of things they did, or could suggest. anon

Here's why: Neither one remembers life without the other; The transition to 2 kids was easy on the older one, because very soon it seemed to my son as if his sister had always been there; They have been great friends at every age, and (maybe since girls mature faster?) have been interested in the same things at the same time -- no dragging a much older child to play at a park with the younger one, or trying to entertain a baby at an event meant for a much older sibling; My happiest memories are of ''floor time'' with the 2 kids together; Since the older child is still napping, you'll have time to spend with just the baby, time while baby is sleeping with just the older one, and maybe even some naps for yourself -- not so true with a larger gap in age.

A few things I did to ease the transition (although who's to say they helped): Gave a gift to my older child, wrapped, from the baby when we brought her home; Got a few small toys for friends to ''give'' my son when they brought a gift for my baby; Made a point of spending 10 - 15 minutes a day with just my son, telling him that no matter what else needed my attention, this was his time with me: I set a timer, & I didn't answer the phone, and at least once let my daughter cry for a few minutes, until my son's time was up (makes up for always being on call for the baby & putting off the older child's needs)

One final point about your concern for your son feeling displaced: I think it's a great gift to give a child a sibling. No parent can be all things to their child, and it's a benefit for a kid to have someone he can relate to on his own level, someone else on the ''kids team'', as it were. I'd recommend you read ''Siblings Without Rivalry''.

Good luck, and have fun!!! Susan

1) Prep your son & INCLUDE him in necessary changes. Read lots of books about babies, talk about and TO the baby. A great one we found was ''Hello Baby!'' by Lizzy Rockwell. I paraphrased the ''too old'' parts. Make any changes to living spaces that you can, Now, like adding the baby's bed, clothes, diapers, etc. and have your son help with the transitions.

2) Do NOT force the baby on your firstborn. When we came home from the hospital my oldest was totally uninterested in the baby and that was GREAT with me since I'd heard horror stories of the older one scratching out the eyes of the baby. My MIL tried to force the baby on my oldest and that REALLY irritated me. I did buy an *awesome* toy ''from the baby'' and presented it when we came home from the hospital. It kept him occupied but probably wasn't really ''understood'' that it was from the baby.

3) Others suggested having a basket of toys/books ONLY for nursing time so that it can be a special time for the older one in some way too. I bought a package of small toys to use as bribes for this time (or any other time I might need them!) and actually, never needed anything like this. Movie watching went up a little for a while (more Thomas, Seasame Street, etc). Oh well.

4) Find jobs for your oldest! A favorite job was to be in charge of finding and supplying the diapers during diaper changes. Also popular: being in charge of selecting & bringing a toy for the baby when we went out.

5) Someone suggested we keep baby care completely business-like while our oldest was around. When he was not around, snuggling, cuddling, ooh-ing and aah-ing over the baby could go through the roof. That didn't seem to be a big deal for us, but I tried to be aware of it especially at the beginning.

Finally, re: your guilt of changing the 1-on-1 relationship, resenting the baby, etc.: From my personal experience, this might take a while to change. I started to LOVE and really enjoy my oldest just before our baby was born. He was walking, talking, and more person-like. Adding a baby to that mix was hard. I was kind of shocked at my feelings of wishing it was ''just us three'' again after the baby was born. My husband asked if I didn't like the baby or didn't want her. That wasn't it at all! I was mourning the loss of our threesome and 1-on-1 time w/ my oldest that is close to nonexistent now. Those feelings came & eventually went, & now one year out I can say our oldest LOVES the baby. It is going well. Everyone I talk to says that having kids close like this is more difficult at the beginning, but more fun a little bit later.

You can do it! You're right.... you'll be tired, you'll be changing lots of diapers, it will be crazy... but wasn't it like that when your first was a newborn too?? :) --now two under three years... and still happily living to tell about it!

Second, as a parent, you always feel guilty for SOMETHING. Take me: I feel guilty my son has no siblings close to his age (his brother and sisters, from my husband's first marriage, are many years older). I'm sure you will have love enough for two. After all, did you ever imagine you could love your first so much?

Third, my mother in law had her sixth when my husband, the oldest, was only 7. Yep. She has often told me how she was sort of sickly and low-energy until she started having babies. She is now the most energetic woman on the planet. She got used to multi-tasking, and organizing, and is now, at 78, a human dynamo (and very youthful looking to boot). Maybe that will be you, too!! Fran

The first few months will be tough. Try to get as much help as you can. When friends & family offer to lend a hand, accept their help! You just need to get through the first few months and then it will get better, I promise. In fact, it got so much better that my two boys now have a beautiful, sweet little sister that they absolutely adore. Good luck, take care of yourself and try to enjoy this precious time. Embraced the Chaos

I love having my kids with the age difference they have, I am SO glad I have 2. They fight, yes. But they adore each other and are friends and are both such great kids.

So I would say ignore those annoying people. No one knows anything about how the experience is going to be for you and your family, not even you. Just for the record, I think a lot of people have those feelings about having a 2nd - whatever the age difference - I know we did; it is a loss in a way, but of course it is a huge gain too and totally worth it. Good luck! Mother of 2

Don't let them bother you - it really is not that bad. Having a new baby is never a breeze, whether it's your first or your 15th (haha)! There are always adjustments you will have to make as a family, but you will figure it out and it will be wonderful. Good luck! michelle

Hope this helps. Our youngest is three years younger than our middle child, and that ''normal'' spacing was harder for us! best of luck! anon

It is fun and amusing to have two little ones; you'll be laughing more than you know. The phrase ''In for a penny; in for a pound'' is completely true but it's only for a very short time and that time comes with so many unexpected benefits--please do not worry. You will be more than fine! Relax and enjoy! Mom of Two

I found that my older kids did need extra attention, but they were really excited too. I tried to be sure they had plenty of time to go outside and run and play. I also gave them lots of attention for being the big sisters. Lots of hugs and cuddles and as much time in Mom's lap as possible. We have a big chair and I found that when I would nurse, everyone would be there together, reading books or whatever. When I would explain that I needed to help the baby, they usually respected that...it's hard to ignore that newborn cry. My first child was 2.5 y when number two was born and I got her a dollhouse as a gift when the baby came and she would sit and play with that while I took care of the baby. I also saw that the older kids formed stronger bonds with dad during the newborn time, which is nice too. Hopefully, your ''schedule'' will be clear and you can just go with the flow for the first month or so.

Now, almost a year later, we cannot imagine life without the baby. It's still a game of give and take, but that's part of life and compromise.

It's going to be OK. It's going to be fun. It's all a wonderful blessing. When people make their commentary, I just smile and act like it's all a piece of cake and they don't know what they are missing. Plus, you are going to get your body back that much sooner, you'll be done with diapers that much sooner, etc., etc. Best Wishes

1. You're still in baby mode. There's no big regression to sleepless nights or diapers, because you're still there.

2. Your experience with small babies is recent, but you also have the advantage of hindsight and know, for example, that you're not going to die from lack of sleep nor is the baby going to expire from crying for two minutes while you take a shower or pee in private.

3. Your first child will have zero recollection of life without the other child, and sibling issues are lessened. There was some minor 'when is the baby going home' stuff, but in about two weeks the 17 month old just seemed to forget that the baby had ever not been there. She got annoyed if I was unable to respond to her immediately, but would have been equally annoyed had I been watering a plant, rather than nursing a baby.

4. Two siblings so close together are excellent company for one another later on. Mine fight like weasles in a sack sometimes, but mostly get along well and are able to play peacefully and imaginatively together. And when the vicious gouging starts they're about the same weight, so one doesn't have an unfair physical advantage.

5. They share clothes. This is good because it makes your life easier and bad because if you forget that the pink t-shirt with sparkles is Child A's Most Precious Thing of All Time and you offer it to Child B you better get ready to duck. This obviously applies to toys, etc.

The one bad thing I experienced was that I found it very difficult to nurse the second one as long as I had the first, and gave up after only 3 or 4 months. The older one just didn't have much patience, and it made me feel rushed and stressed. My new baby is going to get nursed as long as she wants, because the older two understand that the baby wants to nurse and they have to be patient. And, because of the experience of raising two under two, I know that if I hear screaming from the other room while I'm nursing I don't necessarily have to dial 911 or get up from my chair.

My best advice is when people make stupid comments just ignore them. Don't even engage. Just smile and look forward to your baby, because you're going to love the little dickens like nobody's business and who gives a flying rat's ass what a stupid stranger thinks anyway? Abbi Waxman abbi@amplecat.com

Some friends that have children with a bigger age gap have also had issues w/ the older sibling's adjustment. They may be more helpful & independant, but they were used to being alone for much longer & may feel more threatened.

My husband actually has a bro. that's 3.5 yrs. older & one that's 1 yr. younger & he felt that he & the older one were always at completely diff. stages, never 'played', etc. The younger was his roommate for 18 yrs., best friend, & playmate.

Some helpful suggestions when baby is born:
* give a gift to your older child from the 'baby' & vice versa
* put a picture of your older child in the baby's bassinet (will help empower the older one & make him feel included)
* have older child help in any way, ie: bottle feedings, etc.
* spend alone time w/ older child & explain that younger one will stay behind b/c she's just a baby
* when introducing the siblings, have the baby across the room from you initially & walk over (if possible) together w/ the older sibling (the last thing you want to do is breast feed at first sight, it's like walking in on your cheating husband)

My girls now look for each other when one's not around. It was hard, but the best decision I made! GOOD LUCK, it will get better & easier w/ time!!! ben

You've done the right thing for you and you won't regret it. don't listen to people who haven't a clue about your life. no regrets

The best part is that when your kids get older (even by 2 and 4) they will be enjoying the same activities. You can go to Fairyland or the zoo and they will like most of the same things. When you start to travel, activities can be geared towards both instead of having to choose between the roller coasters and the tot lot. Good wishes

I have a friend whose kids are 20 months apart (younger one is now about 9 months). Another friend of mine will have kids 14 months apart (expecting #2 in December). My brother's first 2 kids are about 19 months apart (they now have 3, who are very close and play so well together!). Those are ones I can think of right now. I know that each of them did plan for the second child.

In each of the cases I've mentioned, the families are doing fine. Of course, I'm sure that the first few months were trying/at times overwhelming, etc., but they managed. ..and the level of difficulty will be different for families depending on the temperment of the babies.

I've also heard that if the kids are closer together in age (i think i heard less than 3 years apart), the older kid has an easier time accepting a younger sibling. (I know this was true in my brother's case, though i'm sure every case is different.) Naturally, they probably aren't always going to get along, but that's just normal sibling stuff.

I have a 6 month old, and we're already planning on when we want to try for #2 (I've even had family, friends & co-workers ask about when #2 will be!)

Of course, I also have friends who have said that would never want to have kids so close together, and friends with kids spaced several years apart. I don't go around telling my friends to have kids the way I plan to have them according to my values. To each their own. Every family has to do what's right for their own family.

As for your son -- you are giving him a gift of a sister. Just make sure you set aside some one-on-one time with him, and look for opportunities to make him feel included and special in his new, and very important, role as big brother.

I can't believe other people are projecting their own values so rudely and judgementally to you. That's too bad they are not more supportive. Try not to let it get to you, because you don't want your new baby girl growing inside of you to feel that guilt or resentment towards her now, or when she is born. She is truly a blessing.

Hope this helps. Congratulations, again. anonymous

I can't believe that people have made such rude comments to you. Please ignore them and consider yourselves blessed. If they are speaking from first-hand experience, then they should be able to offer constructive tips & tricks (like maybe which stroller to get, or naptime coordination or other things that worked for them), and if they do not have first-hand experience then they're just making off-handed comments. Yes, there will be some times when you are exhausted but that can happen regardless of age difference.

Other positives that I can think of is that if you use cloth diaper service, you'll notice you're saving money (cloth diaper service for two costs only marginally more than for one), and the number of years when you are dropping kids off at separate schools is reduced. Good luck and Congratulations! L

Reading books about babies might help, or becoming a big brother or sister, even if he/she doesn't understand everything. Our toddler also enjoys telling mom/dad what to do (when the baby cries, he says ''baby -- more milk!'' or ''it's OK'' to the baby).

Although I do feel like my bond with #1 has suffered a bit -- I can't ''play'' the active way he wants when I'm nursing -- it is possible to squeeze in that special time. Pump so Dad can give the newborn a bottle occasionally once you hit that 4-week mark maybe. But overall, our life has gotten so much richer, and I can't wait to see the relationship develop between the two kids as the years go by.

Many people on the street have told me how ''brave'' I must be, but then others observe that 2 years is a great spacing that we will appreciate more after we get through the first year or two. Even though our #2 is an easier newborn than #1, I also have enjoyed feeling like there is a bit of a learning curve...I feel much more confident with the bjorn, the swaddling, nursing, and all the other newborn stuff. Best of luck to you! roxymom

Try not to listen to the criticism of others. They are only voicing insecurities about themselves. You'll be fine. Tired, but fine. Megan

We have known many families with kids two years apart. They all managed. You will too :) anon

You should be aware that the arrival of your second child will likely rock your eldest child's little world. Hopefully his or her shock will subside quickly. In the end, I think it's a huge benefit for a child to have siblings and it has actually improved my eldest daughter's ability to share and to be less selfish -- to the extent a toddler can think of someone other than themselves! The upside is that your having them so close together means that your eldest will likely not have many (if any) long-term memories of life before his sister or brother arrived so there will be less resentment. Kimberly

The one thing I would recommend, which I didn't do and did cause some problems, is give your existing child extra special attention. Even if you need to hire someone to hang out with the baby so you can have alone time with your other child, do it. I didn't and that is the only thing I regret. He had a tough time with it all and I didn't help with that transition. Also, try to keep things as normal for him. Don't make any other changes...besides the baby.

When I'm tired or frustrated, I try to think about the times when they are going to be 4 and 6 or 6 and 8 and having a wonderful time hanging out, being friends. It will be a blast. Enjoy! Rachel

Have a 6 month old and just found out I'm pregnant

My son is 6 months old and we just found out we are expecting another addition to the family in April. My husband and I are excited to be having another beautiful baby, although I am a little overwhelmed by the idea of having a 13 month old and a newborn. We wanted our children close together but this was even sooner than we expected! (It took a while to conceive last time.)

Has anyone been through this and have any advice or soothing words? I am wondering about the logistics of how to care for both and give both babies the attention they deserve. Is there really any way to prepare such a small child for the arrival of a sibling? I would love to hear how people have handled this and what worked for you. I am also wondering how to respond to people's comments about ''how crazy'' we are...they were all so happy for us the first time around. It seems difficult for them to understand that this baby is wanted, not a mistake. super breeder mama

My younger two children are 20 months apart, that's as close as we could have them. There are some benefits since you are already in the baby mode, it won't be as much of a shock changing diapers and waking in the night. What it will help with is incetive for sleep training. Make sure you find a way to get time to yourself. Good Luck. Joan

The other nice thing is that you're probably still a little naive as to what to expect as they go through their 2's and 3's, etc. which I found to be an advantage. Had I waited until my son was 2 or 3 to get pregnant again, it would have been a much more challenging decision because their needs are so extremely different.....and I don't know that I would have wanted to go back to the baby stage (not a bad stage - just entirely different and not where my head was at anymore). So, now they are 5 and 6 years old and all along the way they have been terrific playmates. That has been the most beneficial part - we can actually sleep in on weekend mornings because they get up and play together and completely entertain themselves. The real key is whether you have more than one person as primary caregiver. I was quite lucky that my husband was as involved as I was in caring for both the children and the house. It could obviously be a very different experience if that's not your situation. Honestly, the biggest downside I can think of is the expense to outfit two babies. We had to buy two cribs at the same time, instead of one child outgrowing their crib to be passed onto the sibling....same with baby carseats, etc. However, these days with second-hand stores and craigslist, you can get great bargains and turn around and sell them down the road. Anyway, good luck, and feel free to contact me if you need any hand-holding. Laurie

Frankly, after all the above-like comments, I was prepared for the worst before #2 was born. But, turns out, I hadn't noticed the first time around how much newborns actually sleep. So those first several weeks were actually easier than I expected because he slept so much. You will have time to focus on your older child during the day while baby sleeps. I don't think there is much you can do to prepare a 13 month old. S/he will simply need lots of positive attention when baby comes and thereafter. There are things YOU can do to prepare. First, accept any and all offers of assistance. Just say YES, if someone offers help. I was not very good at that. If a friend offhandedly offers to babysit, say yes, please, pick a time and follow up. Find other families with similar aged children you can swap care/playdates with. Also, if you don't have family or friends who can help from time to time, it is money well spent to hire a sitter when needed or even find an occasional nanny share for the older one. Join a gym or take an exercise class with child care. A short workout and shower at the Berkeley Y while my kids were in Childwatch was like a mini- vacation.

As far as logistics...a double stroller is a necessity. I had one that held the carseat for the infant in back and my toddler sat in the front. I also used a single stroller for the toddler and put baby in the baby bjorn or sling. I wore the baby alot the first few months--he was very happy being in the Native Carrier sling. Regarding getting them in and out of the car, always strap your toddler in first because baby can't run away while you're not looking. Go to parks with small, completely enclosed tot areas. I don't know where you live, but near me is King park on Hopkins, Live Oak, Terrace Park, Totland (but a bit big and chaotic.) Enroll your older child in some classes like Kindergym, Music Together, and definitely a play group. Having organized activities like that with sympathetic parents was very helpful to me. That said, a simple walk around the block can be a fun adventure when things get crazy or boring in the house. Plan your outings well and minimize them. Getting two kids ready, in the car, in the stroller, back in the car, etc, is hard work, just take it easy. For grocery shopping, use Safeway.com to deliver the basics. Have your husband pick up dinner sometimes on the way home from work.

Once when my two were small and I thought I had it hard, I saw a women at the park with maybe a 2 1/2 yr old and twin babies. The twins were cranky and she was soothing and tandem nursing them (wow). Then it was time for them to leave the park. She gathered all her things, her still cranky twins, her 2 1/2 yr old and was just out the gate when the 2 1/2 year old decided he didn't want to leave the park. The mom is pushing a double stroller out the gate trying to pull her older son with her who is having a tantrum. Well, I would have continued pulling my older one to the car, kicking and screaming, buckled everyone in kicking and screaming, and driven home kicking and screaming (myself probably included!) But I was so impressed by this woman for the simple thing she did. She turned around, pushed the stroller back into the park, let her son play some more and took the twins back out to continue nursing them till they fell asleep. Then they all left peacfully. Sometimes you just have to be flexible, let things slide, be late or whatever.

It will be hard at times, but before you know it that stage will pass. By the way, mine are now 6 and 4 1/2. There were a few ''crazy'' years and there may be more to come but everything seems much easier now. They are close enough in age so that they are on similar schedules (ie, sleep and school,)they have some of the same friends and they entertain each other. And they have a great, close relationship that I think will last forever. Sorry for such a long response, hope it helps. You'll do fine. cohens

Soothing words - you're not the only one! I'm at the park every day with the kids and I've met so many parents of older closely spaced children and they all say the same thing - it's hard in the beginning but it gets easier - and it really does!!

Please, feel free to email me if you'd like to chat further. I'm not a ''pro'' but I've learned a lot about managing to small children in the last 5 months and I'd be happy to pass it on - for what it's worth! ls

Regarding the logistics of taking care of two under two, it's something that will develop and smooth out with time. Yes the first couple of months will be hard, it's a transition for all of you, especially as you get to know your newborn, as you know. Fortunately with close age gaps such as ours, the older child is not really mature enough to fully comprehend the idea of another sibling in their life; my eldest did not have much trouble adjusting and does not remember life without his younger brother around. Of course there were moments when he would get a bit jealous, usually when I was nursing the baby, but compared to the huge emotional adjustment older children often need to work through, it was minimal. Most wonderful of all, since the youngest was about 6-9 months old, they play together and enjoy the same toys, same jokes, and interests. It has made all the hard work worth it to see them reach that stage.

I believe having two children close in age is hardest on the parents simply in terms of how high-maintenance infants and younger toddlers are. It takes your daily life as a parent of one to a whole new level. If you have help from family or friends and want to take it, that will absolutely help. We had really neither and it left little precious time for ourselves, for household chores (get a maid!) or just to mentally unwind. However this has gotten better and easier now that they are older. Just think, you are getting all the baby years and stages done with at once, and then you can sell all the baby stuff (providing you are not having another one) and move on to the next stage!

In terms of ''preparing'' your 13 month old, we just had a few books about babies that we read often, pointed out babies wherever we went, talked about the new baby coming to our house when the time got close. As I said before, I really believe the adjustment is not as difficult as it can be with older, more ''aware'' and mature children. More so, I personally had to get through a lot of ''guilt'' about not being able to give my eldest the full attention he had gotten before the baby arrived, but tried to remember that ultimately having a sibling was a gift to him. Now that he is 2-1/2, we can see this and see how being a big brother has made him a more confident, caring child. Honestly I am grateful every day that we had them close together. It has been a benefit to both of them.

In terms of dealing with comments from others, I have not really had a problem with derogatory comments. More often people remark on how they almost look like twins, but in a friendly way. In any event, if I wish to comment, I say that we planned it that way and wanted them close in age - something my husband and I never had, a sibling close in age. Also for me it was more practical to take off 3 or 4 continuous years of work instead of having one child, returning to work for a year or two, and then having to decide what to do about childcare for my second. In any event, it's none of anyone's business why your children are close in age, ''accident'' or planned. Some people may have their own opinions on what age gap is best, but ask around and you will realize there is no ''perfect'' age gap, it all depends on the personality of your children and how you raise them.

Hope this helps! It will be crazy, but wonderful. anon

Our second child was also very much wanted, but happened faster than I had imagined. So our two are 16 months apart.

There are lots of advantages to having them so close together! Developmentally, they are much more similar, so it is easier to find things they both like. For years, both kids loved going to Habitot or Totland, as both places were completely appropriate to both children. Likewise it is easier to find classes that they can take together (swimming, music, etc) because they are so close in age.

I think it was also nice to get the whole baby stage taken care of in one big kamikaze swoop. Quite frankly, if I had waited and let our lives go back to post- baby normalcy, I probably would have lost my nerve about having a second child! So while it was a wild ride, it was worth it to just get through it and be done.

That is not to say it is easy. The first year after our second child was born was probably the hardest year of my life. It is also very hard on a marriage. If you have any kind of help or family support, draw on it. If you don't already have one, you might consider getting a house cleaner or mother's helper or something. We got a housekeeper to come in and clean every other week, and it was a godsend to this poor exhausted mama!

Hopefully you won't get too many comments from people. I found that our family and friends were very supportive, and completely understood that we didn't really have the luxury of waiting (I was 39 with our first, 40 with our second). I did sometimes get comments from strangers, esp. when I was pregnant, about how close together they would be. I usually just smiled broadly and said something like''Yep, it's going to be quite an adventure'', and would then sweep off. And honestly, it only happened a few times - most people really do have better manners!

As for preparing your child for the new arrival - well, you can't. They just aren't old enough to understand. We talked lots about the baby in mommy's tummy, and got her a doll so that she could play mommy and baby, but to no avail. She still was distraught when the new arrival came. It took her a good 3 or 4 months to really come to terms with the new arrival. I know that's not very comforting, but it's the truth. But now she dearly loves her brother, and is very protective of him. So it will work out, it just takes a while!

Good luck! It won't be easy for the first year or so, but it is worth it! I wouldn't change our little family for anything! happy mama of 2

1. If possible, try to not be alone with the two of them for the first six weeks. You'll be sleep deprived, the infant will be nursing 24/7, and your ''older'' will still be a very needy baby who needs constant attention. Call upon friends, family members, or hire help. I used mother in laws, mother, and asked our cleaning lady come a few extra hours a week just so that there was someone else to hold the baby. This is especially important between about 4 pm and 7 pm, when the youngest will want to nurse and the oldest will need dinner. Having a second set of hands is invaluable.

2. Create a safe space in your house that is closed off. You'll need a small room you can go in to nurse the younger where you can let the older wander at will without getting hurt, since it'll be hard to protect the older while nursing.

3. Lower your standards. Sometimes you're just going to need to plug the older into a DVD or 15 minutes of Sesame Street (TiVo is helpful here) because you just need the older to be occupied with something else.

4. Enclosed parks are your friend, and the smaller the better. The best, in my opinion, is Willard Park. Totland is good. Jordan Park is okay but a little too big (and it has ways to get out). Chabot Elementary School has a good enclosed play area. Also good are things like Music TOgether classes. Avoid parks that have exits where the older can run out (Frog Park, Acquatic Park, etc.)

It gets better quickly! Expect the first few months to be overwhelmingly difficult, and use whatever crutches you need to get through it. You'll be surprised how quickly it passes and how great it can be. Have fun. anon

Three things have been key: Daddy, Bjorn and Daycare. Daddy has really been a life saver. He stepped in and has really taken on the older one. (I'm a little jealous). I think a Bjorn is the best thing ever invented. Forget strollers. The bjorn allows me to keep up with the older one, and not leave the baby behind. The older one is in daycare 3 days a week, this helps out a lot, but it is very expensive. Sanity vs. poverty is how I had to look at it. Good luck stephanie

Managing a newborn and a 20 month year old

I am looking for advice on how to handle 2 small babies. I am expecting my second. The two will be 20 months apart. Here are a couple of questions:

- Does anyone have advice on how to manage 2 in one room? We are thinking about having the 2 share a room and wondering when and if this is going to work out. We figure the newborn will sleep with us for the first 4 months or so. When we put them together, we are concerned the older one won't get a good sleep. Any ideas?

- We are in the process of researching strollers. Any advice on how to transport both babies? We loved the snap and go carseat stroller combo for our first because it allowed her to sleep uninterupted. Hoping for some good ideas for how to handle 2 in a stroller. Sadie

Our two kids have shared a room since the youngest was about 3 months old. At night, we really haven't had much problem particularly when the youngest was a baby. My older child would generally sleep through any crying. Now, sometimes they keep each other awake by playing and talking and certainly in the morning, once one wakes up, the other does. Sharing a room for naps has never worked out so we set up a pack-n-play in our bedroom and the youngest has always taken his naps there.

I enjoyed the convenience of a snap-n-go stroller when my first child was born but gave that up with two and went with a double Maclaren which turned out to be a great stroller. At the time there was one version that had attachments for a newborn and that was the one we got. The Maclaren was very, very easy to maneuver (for a double stroller) and goes through all standard doorways. I would really recommend going to a store and trying out different strollers so you can feel the difference. It seems to me that I have seen side-by-side strollers now that let you insert a baby car seat so you may not have to give up that convenience. The other little thing I liked about side-by-side style doubles was that while you have the baby lying on one side the other side acts as a little table for diaper-changing supplies, etc (something I hadn't anticipated but was very convenient). Having a double stroller that you really like is so important with two young ones because you use it constantly and makes going out so much easier....

If you have any other questions, feel free to email me. Good luck! roxanne

Having two kids close in age is great. Ignore people who tell you that they are twice as much work. They aren't. But, they are twice as much fun. Good luck. jan

Bedtime Blues With 2 y.o. and Infant

I’m curious how all of you parents of two manage to get your kids to bed each night? I have two daughters, age 2 years and age 11 weeks. Here’s the kicker: my husband travels every week, which means that I am the only adult in the house at bedtime.

The good news is that my older daughter has a really solid bedtime routine – bath, bottle and books – and I can generally count on her being in bed by 8pm. The tough part is that my infant is suddenly aware of her surroundings and is distracted by her big sister and all her toddler energy. Gone are those lovely days when my newborn was oblivious to the world and could sleep through anything.

The baby feeds at 6pm, which means that we are all planted in front of a video for 40 minutes so that my older daughter is quiet and close at hand. Tonight, though, the baby was really distracted by the noise of the tv, and could neither eat well nor fall asleep easily. On my best nights, the baby will be asleep in her bassinet in her room at 7pm, after which I can spend time putting my toddler to bed. However, almost half the time the baby fusses and cries off-and-on until 8 or later, and so I shuttle between the two kids and do justice to neither. I am a real stickler for routine and am eager for our newborn to develop good sleeping habits. How can I manage bedtime so that both kids get the attention they need?

Furthermore, I am horribly sleep deprived and really need the kids to be in bed so that I can get a few hours of quiet before the nighttime feedings resume. My newborn eats at 11pm, then again somewhere between 5am and 7am. I know that doesn’t sound so bad at this stage in her young life … but she wakes up around 3 or 4 because her little arms pop out of her blanket or something ridiculous like that. So I am up every few hours, with no other adult in the house to help with the baby, or even just give me a hug.

To see me on the street, you’d think I’m really together and in control of the whole two-kid thing. Inside, though, I’m on the verge of hating this whole experience. I want very badly to enjoy my kids, and we do have lots of fun throughout the day. But little sleep and chaotic bedtime is wearing me out. Burning Out

As far as your infant waking up in the middle of the night, I solved this problem with my children by sleeping with them (although I know that this solution is not for everyone). I put my infant down in her bassinet after the late evening feeding (around 10pm) and she will sleep until about 2am. Then I bring her to bed and sleep with her. If she fusses or gets cold, I can help her go back to sleep easily without losing much sleep myself. And nursing her in bed also helps me get more sleep.

Since I always put my older daughter in her crib at the beginning of the evening, she gradually grew out of the need to sleep with me as she was able to sleep longer in the night. I'm hoping the same thing will happen with my infant. Good luck anon

Otherwise you can try to keep the baby up until you put the 2 yo to bed. I used to nurse the little one while the second one fell asleep listening to Bach music. We all slept in my bed, but you can do this on a futon mattress on the floor, then move the big kid to her bed, or just move in between them for the duration of the night.

This is a very hard stage, especially hard for you since you're doing it solo. Hang in there! Been There

The good news is that he's starting to get it and is more often falling asleep about 20 minutes prior to her bedtime. Now I just have to figure out a way to keep her from jumping off the arm of the chair and onto her nursing brother and then we'll be great!

Good luck. They are only little for a little while and then you'll miss it (well, that's what people always say to me!). Molly G

Number Two: Your kids are very close in age, and this will be the most difficult time, but it will get easier!

So what do you do while you wait for it to get easier? I have several ideas, pick and choose as you like.(My boys are now 10, 7, and nearly 5, they now have great bedtime habits and I used a combination of all of the following):

The little one's feeding habits can be changed, if you go a little at a time. If you want to, for instance, go to bed at 11 and sleep until 6 or 7 you could nurse her starting at twenty after ten, instead of waiting for her to wake at 11. After a few days of this her little belly will get used to waking at the earlier time and she'll help you out, most likely. If her arms falling out of her blankets wake her, try putting her in a medium duty blanket sleeper, then her little arms will be warm and she'll likely not notice if her blanket falls off.

The nighttime routine with your older daughter might be simplified by the use of a snuggli or other baby carrier during times when the baby is restless and you need to follow the routine. No harm in the routine shifting a bit to accommodate the new member of the family. Be flexible. Though the kids need a bedtime routine and a sense of familiarity and comfort, they also need to understand that all of us need some flexibility.

But my most important piece of advice is to not forget to take care of you. An unhappy mom can't make her kids happy. They know when you're having a rough time, though they of course won't understand why. The best gift you can give your little girls is the sense that each and every woman/girl is important and needs to be taken care of, and this includes mom.

Lastly, enlist the help of friends to get a little naptime. You'd be amazed how many people know just what you're going through and would probably watch the kids for an hour or two to let you get some shuteye!

You will get through this.

Good luck! Karin