Elderly father has been giving cash to a homeless woman

dear community,

I need some constructive advice:

It has just come to light that my 88 y/o father has been giving cash to a homeless woman, ''CJ'', for over 10 years. Nobody has ever seen her, & we know very little, except that she is paranoid (thinks bus drivers are spying on her, etc.), & that she refuses to stay at a shelter (''with those bums'') or avail herself of any homeless services. CJ will call up Dad (who lives alone now, since Mom was just placed in dementia care) several times a month (?), & then he will drive to the ATM, pick up CJ near the bottom of University, & give her cash, & a ride to campus. If he doesn't come down, she will leave a scathing message on his answering machine (overheard a several times by my sister, & that's another story... ''it's dad's business''), backed by a chorus of guys yelling ''you tell 'im!''. By the sound of her voice, she seems to be speed-y.

He has always had a strong sense of Catholic charity, & he says better him than someone else who would not be able to afford it (but now that mom is in such expensive care, he can't for long! & he will have needs, himself. He's not wealthy.). He says it's an obligation he has taken on.

He thinks he's saving CJ, & doesn't understand that giving her cash (in the est. high 10K's, by now) is enabling her, & he only agreed to reconsider when we kids expressed how dangerous this seems. He said if we could find a place that he could donate to, that would support CJ *specifically*, that he would change his behavior. I think this is unlikely, given that CJ won't seek help (& why would she, if she's getting what she needs?), but he needs to hear it from a professional, not us. He is not 100% on board with it yet, though I think he wants a change.

It sounds like extortion, but it's not so clear-cut. The police said because he appears of sound mind (& he does, except for this - situational insanity?) it'll be hard to take a police report (& there's the fact that we don't even know her name/description). We're working on getting him to meet with a financial planner, & are watching for signs that control of his finances need to be taken away (though his trustee is my sister, who lives far away & has been part of the enabling).

I'm feeling ''tough love'', but think it will backfire. If we're too hardball, he could just go underground with it. We *want* to be gentle (yet firm) with him because he is quite depressed, about mom, & the all sad changes. This is also a painful realignment of family dynamics (& of course, we're already swamped with work & childrearing).

Where to seek advice? City of BK Mental Health, & Adult Protective Services were not very helpful.

thank you. wants to help dad

Mom involved in Nigerian scam

About 2 years ago, my mom became a victim of a Nigerian scam. She clicked on something on the Internet promising good pay for some check cashing scheme. After losing a small sum to that, she was mysteriously contacted by a ''legal firm'' in Nigeria (again on the Internet) that promised to get her money back plus a huge payment for her pain and suffering. Over the last two years, she has continued to send money to these people in spite of family intervention, visits from Social Services, calls from the FBI agents, and talks from a psychiatrist and her doctor. She has drained her life's savings, borrowed against her car and home, and taken out more money on her credit cards and quick payday loans. She has lost her car and her house is going into a foreclosure auction next week. A psychiatrist refused my request for a medical evaluation to be used for conservatorship. Until this day, she still believes that payout is coming. Now that she has only her social security money coming to her every month, she sends as much as she can to the scammers and then has little or nothing to live on. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did you have to get conservatorship? Was the victim able to realize that it was a scam? I'm extremely stressed out over the situation and really want it to end. I'd appreciate any advice. Mentally Exhausted

The fact that her doctor was reluctant to sign a form indicating lack of capacity is not unusual, absent a court proceeding. However when you apply for the conservatorship there will be doctor's reports, and investigator's reports.

You need to talk to Legal Assistance for Seniors in Oakland ASAP. Their contact information is:

Legal Assistance for Seniors
Primary Address: 614 Grand Ave Ste 400
City: Oakland
State: CA
Zipcode: 94610-3523
General Phone: 510-832-3040
Fax: 510-987-7399
Intake Phone: 510-832-3040
Counties Served: Alameda
Case Types: Consumer, Domestic Violence, Elder Law,
Health, Housing, Immigration, Public Benefits
Other Case Types: Guardianship, Elder Law Conservatorship
Case Restrictions: Must be 60 years of age or older.

As your mother lives in Santa Clara County, you are probably aware of of the Santa Clara country Adult Protective Services Financial Abuse Specialist Team http://www.sccgov.org/portal/site/ssa/agencychp?path=%2Fv7%2FSocial%20Services%20Agency%20(DEP)%2FDepartment%20of%20Aging%20%26%20Adult%20Services%2FAdult%20Protective%20Services%2FFinancial%20Abuse%20Specialist%20Team%20%20(FAST) Perhaps they can direct you to someone who can provide legal assistance in obtaining conservatorship. ld

My Mother's worrisome new relationship

Since February of 08, my 70 year-old mom has been nurturing an affair with a man she met at AA. As a result, she is leaving her emotionally abusive husband of 20 years. B.F. is also married, and plans to leave his wife. He told mom he is 61 years old, but she found out he is actually 50. He told her he ''forgot'' his real age or some such B.S. He's told her convoluted lies about his military service, which I have debunked via fact & chronology. He is a recent parole release from an assault conviction (this involved a knife). He has a ridiculous story about this as well. Mom sees him as the victim although admits that he is ''reckless''. She says he loves her ''madly.'' She says things like ''I cannot leave this man. It's out of my control.''

As to her ongoing drinking abuse, she says, ''Oh, I talked to him about it. I told him he has to monitor my drinking.'' This is potentially a volatile situation with a man who, himself, has alcohol abuse issues. She believes her drinking is more or less under control.

My mom has enough money to support herself frugally, but not enough to support anyone else. This guy is, she admits, ''crazy'' and physically ill. He works when he can, but is often on unemployment. Most of his money is taken for child support (for a 25 year old). A background check turns up three check fraud convictions in another State. Too little space precludes me from conveying so much more. Suffice it to say that I am worried sick.

She is moving into a small apartment, where presumably the B.F. will live as well, in a new part of town. In addition, she lives across the country from me and my brother, so has no family where she lives.

Obviously, I am very concerned. My question is, am I crazy? Does this situaiton sound crazy to anyone else? Can I do anything? I know that I cannot alter her path or change her mind, but also feel that she is placing herself at risk. I am very concerned about how she will end up, possibly require rescuing which neither my brother nor I can afford.

Any advice is deeply appreciated. Anon

I had a red flag about a year previous, but my mom lied to me and I was at a loss at how to deal with the situation. I only learned about the true desperateness of the situation when her bank called me.

Alas, I don't have any advice and I still worry about my mom. We came out ok, because my cousin is a lawyer and was able to negotiate with the credit card companies and the banks.

It's such a tricky issue because my mother was (and is) an independent adult. I do have some control over her finances now, but I worry that if it happened once, it could happen again. Anonymous

I'm not in AA but have a lot of people in my life who are. I know that having romantic relationships with AA is generally strongly discouraged. I believe people who hook up at AA are considered ''13th steppers''. I also know that in AA people have sponsors, does your mom have one? I'm not sure if it would be possible or would be appropriate for you to contact her sponsor directly but I wonder if you could get your mom to listen to her sponsor or people in the group who have some years of sobriety under their belt. Moreover I would suggest Al-Alon, Adult children of alcoholics. I would be extremely suprised if there weren't folks in al-alon who have encountered similar situations. You're not crazy.

Second, I would recommend Al-anon for you. Alcoholics can drain you emotionally and financially, and sometimes there is nothing stopping the train crash, but at least you can get out of its way and save your self. It is really hard to let go, especially when it's your mom, and I am thinking you are not too unfamiliar with taking care of her for most of your life.

Good luck. There are great Al-Anon and ACA meetings in Berkeley. Anon

I have written articles on Adult Protective Services, and given what I know from interviewing APS workers, they are probably your best bet. Call APS in your mother's area (look up ''social services'' online or in the phone book if you're stuck) and explain the situation. Tell them you are concerned that there is financial abuse of an elder occurring, and ask what they can do to help.

They may say that there isn't anything that they or you can do--as I've been told many times, we all have a right to folly. We have the right, as adults, to do stupid things, to blow our money and time on creepy partners, to screw up. Lord knows, I sure have. But if they think she is vulnerable due to dementia or other impairment, they may be able to do something. I think it's about your only option. I'm sorry you have to stand by and watch this happening. Good luck. Former folly-er

From my own and other people's experience I have to be a pessimist and say there is nothing you can do at this particular point to help or protect her. She will shrug off warnings that she's headed for disaster (she's a member of A.A. who thinks she has her drinking ''under control'' -- you're either abstinent or you're not -- and that this guy will ''monitor'' her). She's in fantasyland and is having too much fun to leave.

Even if you and your brother threaten her that you won't help her when she does hit rock bottom, it won't do any good; she'll just tell you that's she'll be fine and can take care of herself.

The only thing you can do is protect yourself. Go to Al-anon for support (you probably already have) and refuse, REFUSE, to provide here with any material assitance that lets her prolong these sad choices. You can also tell her firmly and repeatedly that you can't listen to her stories about life with this man, or take calls from her if she is under the influence, etc. She feeds on the attention of all this drama.

* When * and * if * she accepts that her life is out of control and she wants and will use your emotional support and practical assistance, you can be there for her. You have to establish, clear, no-waffling rules that include that she have no contact whatsoever with this man; he is a bad drug for her like alcohol.

I'm sorry if all this sounds harsh, but this is the reality of living with an addict. You have to be strong and stand firm just like you would with an out-of-control child who thinks they know best and that putting a fork in an electrical outlet if fun.

A final thought: if this man is really much younger (and she is 70 +), and at some point gets involved in her financial life and causes problems there, perhaps there is some state agancy that could investigate this as elder abuse? Especially as she might be considered impaired due to her history. I don't know if that's the case or not.

This is a crazy-making situation but you are not crazy. You have my best wishes. Good luck