Husband's absent mother has now returned - must we support her?

I'm hoping someone has good advice out there. My mother-in-law moved out of state when my husband was a toddler. She was pretty much absent in his life except for a couple weeks here and there until a few years ago when she moved back to the Bay Area. She sees us every couple months and is trying to re-establish contact, mostly now that he has children of his own. That, and the fact that she is in her 70s without a partner to care for her in her later years, are two of the reasons she moved back. I do not care for her at all, and he is pretty indifferent toward her. She was not part of his life for such a long time and is frankly such a bland person and emotionally closed that it is hard to be around her. Financially she receives a small social security payment each month along with a 401k that is running out. She rents her house and makes car payments, but otherwise she doesn't have a lot of extra expenses. My husband and I have been getting into arguments about financially supporting her as she gets into her older age. I am inclined not to do it as we are completely strapped financially taking care of our kids and living in the Bay Area. He thinks we're legally obligated but I disagree. Can someone shed some light on how this works if she doesn't have enough money to live on but we don't want to have to support her? Obviously I don't want her to be out on the street or anything, but I feel angry about having to support someone who was completely unavailable for my husband from early childhood on. Not loving my MIL

I had a friend with a somewhat similar situation - not financial support, but husband kept trying to maintain a relationship with his mother, who was, objectively speaking, just a horrible person. My friend kept trying to point out to her husband all of his mother's bad qualities (of which there were many). The more she pointed them out, the more he defended her, and eventually they divorced. Loyalty to one's parents, no matter how bad they are, is a powerful human emotion (and I think a good one). I recognize that money is tight for most of us, but I think you need to start with the perspective that your husband's desire to help his mother financially is legitimate and even good, and accept that part of your family budget is going to help support her. If you're having a hard time doing that, I'd suggest working on changing your attitude instead of your husband's mind. I think your husband is right on this one

Long-term plan for elderly counterculture inlaws

My partner's parents were prototypical 60's hippies who never reentered the mainstream after they left. While they have passed along great core values to him (their only child), they have managed to make it to their 60's without savings, jobs, or any plans for their long-term care. They are not married and have no social networks to rely on so my husband and I are now brainstorming how to prepare for their old age which they both show signs of entering and for which we seem exclusively responsible.

His father is an artist who earns about $30k a year in cash. This money is always gone as quickly as it comes in. His mother is an aspiring artist who used to work in medical reception but has not been able to find a job in nearly 4 years, possibly due to age discrimination and possibly in part to an under-medicated thyroid condition. (I know, it's bad.) Mom has just filed for food stamps and job skills training but dad has really no plan in place and aside from being eligible for VA benefits (!) is apparently eating only what he is growing in his garden... admirable but problematic for obvious reasons.

The hardest part for us is that we're slowly saving to buy a house and build a life for us and our small children. It's difficult to think about that savings and *not* help dad who needs money for food but our future and our children are what my partner and I had prioritized in our planning before. I'd like your suggestions for several things to get us started on what is a really difficult task financially but more importantly, emotionally. Has anyone been in a similar situation with their parents? How do you get a plan in place to help them save, find the right social services to contact, support groups, agencies, or senior consultants? How do you talk to your parents about these tough topics without offending them? (Last time he tried, mom said ''just wheel me out into the forest when the time comes...'' ) In addition, I'd love suggestions on a counselor or support group to help us deal with the anger he's feeling towards his parents for refusing to deal with this situation. A little too much to handle

I understand that you are trying to plan ahead - a foreign concept to your in- laws - and maybe you will encounter some considerable resistance, at least as long as they are healthy and have some options. That's ok. You will need some good financial advice, which I don't have. But rest assured, your savings is not in jeopardy. Their choices, and limitations, will impact you, but mostly on the emotional level. You are right: resentment is the biggest obstacle, and now is a good time to sort it out so that your whole family can have a loving and respectful relationship with his parents, whatever their situation. Protect the relationship and you will be very glad you did, in the end.

I would be happy to talk with you directly if you like, since my recent experience is so very similar. I suspect there are a lot of us beginning to encounter these problems, offspring of the original hippies, now ''sandwich generation'' with young kids of our own.

Need to make plans for mother's eventual incapacity

My elderly mother-in-law recently had a scary round of falls and mental confusion. Though she seems to be recovering, my husband and I are now aware that we need to make plans for her eventual incapacity -- hopefully that will be years down the line, but it could be next week if she has another bad fall. We'd like to have a plan in place before we're in crisis mode. She has virtually no assets so will be relying on Medicare/cal for her eventual care. How do we start planning? Who do we need to talk to? Lawyers? Social Workers? Elder care specialists? Her insurance is through Kaiser right now, do they have resources of this sort? Hoping for the best, planning for the worst

It might also be a good idea to start checking into the medical resources available to her. If you're going to need a longterm care facility at some point, for instance, you don't want to be searching for a good place at the same time as you're trying to deal with a crisis. As with the legal/financial aspects, it helps to have a plan in place. Kathleen