7 year old with eating disorder?

My 7-yo daughter has always been a picky eater, but recently refuses to eat anything but pasta, pizza, sweets and juice. When I don't give in to her demands, she won't eat anything. She is concerned about getting ''fat'' even though she is naturally very lean and long. She also says no food in the world (except the aforementioned) tastes good, it's a chore to eat, and she doesn't want to eat when she's unhappy (which is often.) Additionally, she is having major tantrums and generally defiant/difficult behavior. She screams when asked to comply with basic requests and goes into frequent crying fits saying things like I've ruined her life because I never played with her when she was younger (not true), and it's too late to do anything about it now. I've spoken to her pediatrician and my therapist about this, but would like more recommendations. I would greatly appreciate any referrals/recommendations for play therapists, nutritionists, books, eating disorders centers who have dealt with similar issues. Thank you very much. Worried Mom

It sounds like you need to create meal-time routines for your kid and spend meaningful time with her. My hunch is that she is asking for more time with you and trying to get attention through her picky eating. In my opinion she doesn't need any specialists, she simply needs your attention and proper modeling. Have fun and spend more time playing with her and preparing healthy and delicious meals together and I bet her behavior will improve. Good luck. mom of healthy teen daughters

3 year old picky eater

Our 3 year old has been becoming even more of a picky eater than he already was. We try to let him eat the foods he likes within reason (has to have some balance, not too much sugar)and just try to offer other foods without forcing them, but his palate is becoming more narrow (ie he used to eat noodles with minced spinach on them but will now pick it off). We've tried to make a rule that he has to taste something that we're serving (he can spit it out if he doesn't like it) before we'll make him something different but that leads to refusal and power struggles with him shrieking that he's hungry but refusing to eat anything except crackers. I love the idea that he needs to taste a new food or the food on the table but not quite sure how far to take it. The times we've said that he can't have anything else to eat until he tastes something of what we're serving on the table has led to major meltdowns with a screaming hungry tired child and frustrated tired parents. Help! What are we doing wrong? Are we taking it too far or not far enough? frustrated

He'd live off carbs if we let him - pirate booty, chips, bread, pasta, rice. So we try try try to stick with the healthier options only, telling him that's all that's available right now. Again and again I'm told ''if he's hungry, he'll eat'', but the thing is, he'll eat the pasta, leave the veggies, say he's done and then beg for food at bedtime, when he really IS hungry and therefore can't get to sleep because his stomach's growling. So, I try to feed him a healthy dinner almost within minutes of getting home after work, sometimes as early as 4:30, telling him he can SNACK later when mommy and daddy eat dinner.

His only video/tv viewing snack he can have is raw veggies (I know - you're not supposed to let kids eat while they watch because they don't pay attention to their hunger, but that's exactly what gets the food in his mouth), and I've started measuring portions of his snacks so it doesn't get out of hand, and letting him know just how much he can have per day.

Some days it works, some days it's tears and bad behavior. Not a lot of advice, I'm afraid, but just to let you know you're not alone, and hopefully you'll get further than we are. Just Another Mom

Also, a nutritionist once told me that most toddlers will get just what they need nutritionally over the course of a week, believe it or not. They're not going to get what you consider three squares a day, but if they eat a PB&J, some pasta, some apple juice and a bowl of grapes, they're covered. Summer's coming - Will he eat strawberries? Peaches? Can you pretend broccoli is a little tree for him to eat? Might get a bite into him that way. Edamame beans? Those are fun, and really nutritious.

Anyway, I hope my example helps - try not to freak out about it because as long as he's growing, he's really fine, and chances are he'll grow out of his pickiness some day in elementary school. Good luck! Julie

1. My husband and I are NOT picky and do not have a lot of food restrictions--we do try to eat very healthily.

2. Believe that your child will NOT starve or even go hungry that long. (You REALLY have to believe this.) Believe that if your kid is really hungry they'll eat anything.

3. What you put on the table at any particular meal is what is going to be eaten at that meal. I wouldn't dream of making anything special for someone to eat--I'm too lazy! If your kids doesn't like it they don't have to eat it. They don't have to eat anything at all but they can't have crackers or junk for snack later--they have to have real food and you get to decide what that real food is going to be and when it is going to be served.

4. Try not to have any junk in the house. Try to give only meal foods at snack time (especially when you're trying to re- establish good eating habits). I set my toddler son down at the table when he is hungry for dinner before the rest of us are seated and give him his vegetables first and he eats them up because he is hungry. I do NOT hand him a cracker while he waits for dinner.

5. I think the way a Kaiser handout puts it is--You get to decide WHAT and WHEN your child eats. They get to decide WHETHER and HOW MUCH to eat. (I may have gotten that slightly wrong but you get the gist.) That means you have to take yourself out of control of whether and how much your child eats (no forced tasting) but you really have to put yourself (and not your child) in control of what is eaten (no crackers for dinner) and when it is eaten (it isn't lunch time now. At lunch you'll have a peanut butter sandwich if you're hungry.)

6. Try to act like you are doing your child a big favor in allowing them to eat such wonderful food you've provided. They are NOT doing you a favor when they are eating.

I think once the whole issue is no longer about control then you can do little tricks like no dessert until you finish your milk. And I do limit the number of cookies they eat so I don't follow the kid controls how much to eat rule there. hope this helps

She talks a lot about the division of responsibility -- the parent is responsible for what goes on the table and when, whereas the child is responsible for how much he/she eats, if at all. Getting a toddler/preschooler to try anything, especially food, is really hard, and you just have to let them do it on their own timetable. She says that you might have to introduce a particular food to them 15 to 20 times before they are willing to take a bite. (My 3yo son went from staring at green beans on his plate, to just licking them, to gobbling up a bunch of them at a Chinese restaurant over the course of about six months.) You should never force your child to eat anything.

She suggests NOT cooking special meals for your child, and always offering what everyone is having. He can eat as much or as little as he wants of any dish, or not at all. Keep one starch like bread or rice available, in case he rejects everything else. Don't worry, he won't starve. He won't be malnutritioned. He'll pick up a protein with breakfast, or a fruit with lunch or snack and OVERALL, have a balanced diet. His willingness to try new foods will slowly creep on him, but he'll surely start placing judgements on certain foods (veggies=bad, dessert=good), if you try to force, manipulate or bribe him.

Finally, she puts a lot of emphasis on making mealtimes pleasant and fun -- not completely focused on the food he won't eat, but on conversations, etc. - Hope this helps

My daughter turned out to be a good, hearty eater, just very selective (specific bread, specific jam, specific pasta sauce...) We chose the reward principle to get her to try new foods. For each new food she put in her mouth, she would get one sweet tart. Since I never introduced more than 3 new foods per week, that never became a problem. But she discovered a few new things she liked. Also, her afterschool program only serves organic food and she tries things there she wouldn't try at home. Once in a while I check in and these items will become popular at home too. (Ever mushed a few rasberries into black beans? It's a big hit right now, topped with grated cheese). Anyway, I don't know if my daughter will ever take a liking to all the wonderful ethnic food around here and she still won't eat anything leafy, but she gets all her basic food groups in other ways. I just started looking at food as calcium, protein, carbohydrates, minerals and vitamins. I don't care so much what she picks, but she actually gets it all and she loves fruit. Fruit is the only dessert she knows. There is an allowance of three pieces of sweets per day (only after dinner and she learned not to ask for it any other time during the day because this is what her body is used to) and pieces may be ''lost'' for really bad behavior. When she was three she gave me such a bad tantrum over cookies I had bought that I told her I would stop buying cookies if that is what I have to deal with. And I did. Of course, we'll buy them as a special treat in a cafe, they are just not available at home. We also don't have sodas in the house. We like vitamin and calcium fortified juices, but it takes the whole family to have the same attitude about nutrition. You and your spouse are the role model for better or worse nutrition. Anonymous

Tension over food at family meals

I'm hoping for some advice! It seems to be an issue with my husband and I lately, so I thought I'd ask other parents their opinion. We have a 5-yr-old and a 2-yr-old. I usually cook most of our dinner meals, and I have a pretty good idea of what our two daughters will eat. So I don't often try too many new recipes, but cook a few simple meals that I know they will eat.

Last night my husband cooked dinner. He made a casserole dish and I just knew the kids wouldn't go for it, but I didn't want to intervene. So of course, he dished out the food, and our 2-yr-old was not interested at all! Our 5-yr-old looked at the food with a sad face and began to cry a little bit, saying that she didn't think she would like it. My husband got upset because he put all the work into making the meal and she wouldn't at least try it first. Alas, I talked to her and she did actually eat some of it and stopped being sad.

This scenario has happened before. My husband hates to see our 5-yr-old cry over things like food. He says it makes him sad, too. I say, go ahead and let her be sad if she wants to and talk her through it. And then I try and encourage her to taste the food before she decides if she likes it, or not. (The crying is another issue. I say it is o.k. to cry and my husband gets upset over her crying for seemingly little things).

I really don't want this tension or negativeness around eating. Eating should be enjoyable, with the family sitting around the table. My husband expects our 5-yr-old to eat what is served her. I realize that kids have likes and dislikes, but how far do we go in enforcing what she eats?

My parents used to make me sit at the table sometimes until I finished a meal. (It was probably lima beans or brussel sprouts!) I would never do that to my kids. Anyways, every parent wants their child to eat healthily. How is the best way to deal with picky eating at the dinner table? I want her to eat, but I don't want to be so strict about it. (I am not as worried about our 2-yr-old...I just offer her what we are eating and if she eats that is great).

I didn't mean to write so much, but it is all so fresh in mind. Any advice would be much appreciated! Alexis

We, too, place a big emphasis on enjoying mealtimes. I try to ensure this in two ways: We do occasionally make things that they won't eat, and in that case we offer the same labor-free alternative every time: bread and cheese (or rice and cheese if there is some left over from another meal). I also serve vegetables at snack time (usually steamed broccoli, cauliflower or carrots with or without parmesan cheese), because if it's the only thing to eat, they clean it up. When vegetables have to compete with other things on a plate, they invariably get left (by the selective eater; the omnivore eats everything). That way, I'm sure they're getting what they need at some point in the day, so we can all relax at mealtime. That said, we strictly enforce a ''no sweets without 'growing food' first'' rule, and limit sweets to once a week (although the holidays are killers!). This does act as an incentive! Focused on Food and Fun

You might want to read _How to Get Your Children To Eat (But Not Too Much)_ -- I've forgotten the author's name. I haven't read it myself but many of my friends, especially those with a history of ''food issues'' themselves, recommend it.

About the crying, I have no advice. I've been at something of a loss to deal with similar behavior in my own son! But fortunately, my husband and I don't seem to have any major conflicts over how to handle it, at least. Sounds like you and your husband need to have a little heart-to-heart about that one, and agree on what you'll do and whose 'rules' will apply in what situations. anon

4-year-old is set in his ways

Has anyone had success with their picky eaters?

My advice is don't worry and don't make a big deal about it. It can be very frustrating and we worry that they're not getting the nutrients they need (how nourishing is raisin bread and cheese?????) Remember they're a lot smaller than we are so their requirements are less. Fresh fruit will go a long way in the vitamin dept. Cheese does have protein and calcium though personally I don't feel lots of dairy is a very healthy idea. What I feel is important is to give them food thats pesticide and preservative free. I buy organic food and keep very limited sugar foods in the house. If your child has energy and looks healthy, probably he's probably doing OK. My pediatrician has reminded me many times that they won't starve. My 9 year old son still has somewhat of a limited diet but he'll eat salad. No fish or chicken or red meat (occasionally a hamburger). My little one will eat tofu but no vegies....I hope my experience helps ease your anxiety. It's a tough one. Good luck. June

But I do believe that the parents' attitude counts a great deal. So I would disagree with one mail where it said that picky eater children just come as they are. I also think that parents influence their children on matters like waste of food, pleasure of cooking, hurry eating versus pleasure eating (as with many other things) just by the way they 'behave'. And I also sympathise with the problems stated in the first mail - of course it makes me feel bad when guests don't like the food I prepare. Maybe with little guests things are worst because on one hand one wants to 'mother' them and on the other they are not as polite as (some) adults handling this sensitive matter.

Now I've got two boys, ages 7 and 3.5, and history has repeated itself. The older one is incredibly adventurous in the variety of foods he will eat, the younger one eats well but only what he likes. So I vote for nature. For what its worth, our strategy (with both kids) has always been "we choose what to serve, you serve how much to eat; no arguing." That's been pretty severely tested when the older one ocasionally decides the amount he wants is zero, and then either two hours later decides he's hungry and will have dinner now, or announces the next morning that he still doesn't want to eat anything. After fruitless fighting and arguing ("you have to eat; your body needs food; real soccer players eat to become strong; not eating in order to be thin will not make you a faster runner; etc.), we've gone back to the original no-arguing plan, and lo and behold, his appetite always comes back strong.

Skimpy eater (except for dessert)

My 5 year old daughter eats most things that I fix for dinner, but will often balk at eating more than a few bites. She claims to not be hungry. I don't want to force her to eat, so will require only that she sit with us until we have mostly finished and then she can be excused. The problem comes when I occasionally fix a dessert. She always can find room for dessert, even if she was ''too full'' to finish her dinner. How should I handle this? I usually either require that she eat a few more bites of her dinner before she can have dessert or I pull dessert out after she has gone to bed. In the first scenario, she will want to know how many bites she has to eat of everything when she sits down for dinner ''to get dessert'' and I feel like I am bribing her to eat. In the second scenario, my husband and I are eating dessert right before our bed-time, which is not ideal. How do you handle dessert in your home? Rachel

So I recommend letting your child eat the amount she wants, with no comments from adults. If you are going to serve dessert, then let her have it. If you do not want her to have dessert, then don't have it available.

To avoid the power struggle, we have started having fruit only for dessert: fresh, canned, dried. And that is the only option, this takes away the struggle for control. Once a week we will usually have another dessert. pediatric RD

We also started giving him smaller, more reasonable portions for dinner. Before, we used to give him more than he could eat, and then we wouldn't be sure how much he had eaten and he could easily manipulate us with the 'is one more bite enough' negotiation. If the portion is smaller, we can require that he finish it.

If he eats very little dinner and says he's done, he doesn't have to eat it right then, but he gets the same plate of dinner back at snacktime. He pretty much immediately complied and now finishes his dinner every night (either at dinner time or at snack time). The important thing is to give reasonable portions. If your daughter wants dessert, she has to clean her plate first. If you don't waffle and you don't give her any indication that you might ever bend this rule, she'll probably come around pretty quickly (if she wants dessert). Definitely don't go down the 'how many more bites is enough' road. She'll beat you every time! And don't let her talk you into the idea that you gave her too much and give her dessert without her finishing dinner. If you bend the rule once, she'll expect you to again and you'll be back where you started. You can try it with pretty small portions at first to make it easier.

On some days, my son is more hungry than usual, finishes his dinner, and then still asks for a lot of snack food. If the snack is getting too big, I'll pull out more dinner for him, and if he's truly hungry (and not gorging on snacks), he'll eat more dinner also (followed by more snack, of course!) Susanna

I didn't to this with my kids, maybe because demands for dessert never were a big problem. Asking for snack at bedtime can have a number of causes. I think all the responders to this post make good points, and it's up to you to figure out what is going on with your child. If you are feeling manipulatd, you probably are. A skimpy eater needs to learn to eat when food is available. Having your child go to bed hungry once in a while won't cause any harm (except maybe to you; it's a hard thing to do). Occasionally, a child really is hungry at bedtime; I would tend to allow a snack to a child who had eaten well at dinner because s/he might be having a growth spurt. If it became a regular thing, I'd close down the snack bar at a set time. Louise

Nightly food wars with 4-year-old

Second, give vitamins if you are concerned about nutrition. There is a kind that mimics Gummi Bears that my kids love. Sold at Andronicos and Life Extension Vitamins on Solano, probably lots of other places as well.

Third, what does your pediatrician say about the child's weight/height?

Fourth, let him go hungry. Obviously, no dessert without eating a reasonable dinner. I don't mean to be harsh, but it will definitely bring matters to a head. When he's hungry, his appetite will improve.

Even though it's frustrating when my child won't eat the healthy food I give her, I don't worry so much anymore. I realized it's really not something that I have total control over. I once heard a pediatrician give the advice that: "it's the parent's job to provide healthy food. It's the child's job to eat it." I have taken this advice to heart. The biggest mistake you can make is to try to force them to eat anything. It just becomes a power issue.

Sometimes I make her what she likes best pasta with butter and parmesan cheese, Campbell's chicken noodle soup over rice, or macaroni and cheese or pizza with cheese and olives...but other times she is given the same thing my husband and I eat. I don't think it's a good idea to just make them just what they like --else they will never learn to eat or appreciate the taste of anything else. Once I made an egg salad sandwich and my daughter said she didn't like it. I said, "How do you know? You've never tired it. Take a bite!" She did and she loved it. I guess that shows that you never know unless you try. She is becoming a better eater now that she's turned five. She actually likes broccoli! If you're patient your son's eating habits will in all likelihood eventually improve.

My last piece of advice: don't try too hard to please them - you'll just end up frustrated in the long run. I learned this the hard way - I felt like the short order cook every night until I decided I had had enough. Good Luck!

Our food list includes: chicken meatballs (recipe from The Healthy Baby Meal Planner book by Karmel) which freeze well, Annie's Pasta Shells and Cheese, thigh and leg chicken meat (I buy the cooked chickens at the grocery store), any type of pasta noodles (plain), peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (sometimes), pork tenderloin (when I prepare it for the whole family, I don't cook this just for her), boiled fresh shrimp, Van de Kamps crunchy fish sticks, strawberry yogurt, raw carrots (with the greens attached so she can pretend she's bugs bunny), apples, bananas and tangerines. For breakfast she eats an english muffin with peanut butter every morning. On weekends she'll eat pancakes and also likes turkey sausage (patties not links). Both of those things freeze well so extras can be saved and microwaved during the week. She is particular about brands of foods and doesn't like oranges even though she loves tangerines, likes dark meat chicken but not white meat. All of this tells me these type of kids are sensitive to flavors on some complex level that defies a mother's patience. Our list of foods are all easy to fix, it's too frustrating to spend time preparing foods that get thrown away so don't put yourself through it. I also buy all organic produce. I think kids respond positively to the fullness and quality of the flavor. I used to shun all prepared foods but broke down on that issue because of convenience. In general there's no junk food in our house.