• Friends that never host, always have potlucks
• Dinner Party Tips/Recipes- low stress
• Always entertaining, but rarely invited
• Special touches for Bat Mitzvah dinner party

Friends that never host, always have potlucks

We entertain a lot and have a lot of fun getting everyone together. I don't expect our friends to host as often. My husband has a couple of friends that do not entertain often. Some never do. That's fine. It's the potluck parties that bother me.

When his 2 friends (both are couples - one with older children in college and another couple with no children) do have a get together, it's always potluck where we're told what to bring. Moreover, the couple without kids have ''no children'' parties so we only go to about half of them which ends up being once every other year or so. We have 2 young children.

I'm kind of tired of this. Do I just suck it up and deal with going to their potluck parties? Or do I stop going? Can I somehow stop inviting them to our parties?

In some ways, I feel like they're free loaders. I know it's wrong to feel this way but I do. Oh, btw, all our financial circumstances are similar... except for the couple with kids in college. They complain about money all the time but they always have... even when they bought a new car, go on luxury cruise trips and she goes to the nail salon weekly... need advice

You said it's wrong to feel they're freeloaders? No way. It would be wrong to lie and pretend to yourself that they are more honorable or fair than they really are.

If you enjoy their company despite the imbalance, sure, it's fine to keep inviting them. If not, dump them. It's absolutely okay to stop inviting them! It's your home and your money, time and effort. You should be inviting people who you want to be there. Period.

As for the potlucks... same advice. Do you enjoy going, despite that you are expected to prepare a meal? If so, keep going (and husband has to prepare or buy the item, just in case he feels all this is ''no big deal''). If not, just say you can't make it and move on. anon

The no kid people probably don't have a kid safe house....maybe they have pets that are not kid friendly.

I love to cook and have dinner parties fairly regularly. My kids are now teens and my house is not so toddler safe. It's more work for my friends with young kids to bring them here, as much as we try to accomodate the younguns...and our friends don't have as good a time cause they constantly have to watch the babes. (We put our dogs in another room). I can see how this would bug you, but try to look a little deeper. Maybe there is more then meets the eye. anon mom

However, if you don't want to spend time with them because of the potluck thing or because of the ''inequity'' in the parties, then I think that's not right.

My husband and I love socializing and entertaining, but we frequently have gatherings/meals with others where there is a potluck. I usually provide all the main items and drinks and others might bring a salad, snacks or desserts. In fact, I expect that when I am invited to someone else's house and I feel weird if I am told to bring nothing. For some people, potluck type gatherings are normal. If you throw more elaborate parties, then that's also your option.

As for the couple who throws adult parties, that's their choice. They don't have to cater to you or your family. I understand your position, as I also have young kids, but I imagine that those who don't might prefer, at least at times, to see just other adults. Just my two cents

Dinner Party Tips/Recipes- low stress

I am looking for tips on how to host a low stress dinner party. We like to have people over, but often I find it stressful cooking, cleaning etc. I am an okay cook, but not great. I would love some advice from experienced cooks and party hosts. Any great recipes (vegetarian or meat) that can be made ahead of time (either a day before, or an hour before so I can focus on guests when they arrive)? Easy appetizers/desserts? How long between guest arrival and serving dinner. Buffet style versus serve everyone, sit at the table? We generally don't want formal gatherings - just 6-8 people including a few kids (ages 3+). Thanks. anon

But since you asked, here's an easy dinner party. Roast a chicken, buy a high quality chicken such as Rosie or Rocky. After removing inside packet and rinsing chicken, fill body cavity with the cut halves of 1 lemon and fresh rosemary. Put a bit of butter under the skin and black pepper and place in a preheated 450 degree oven for 15 minutes, then turn to 350 degrees until chicken is done. To fill out dinner, do a green salad, purchase a selection of cheeses, and roast some veggies (cut up in wedges potatoes, onions, and mushrooms in half and some baby carrots, then toss in extra virgin olive oil with salt and cracked pepper, put in oven at 400 degrees until done - veggies should be of similar size to be done at the same time - about 1 hour or so or can be roasted WITH chicken). Serve with good bread and wine. Or order a whole salmon ''butterflied'' and place on olived oiled baking sheet. Drizzle some olive oil and place lemon slices on top (some cilantro/chives or parsley on top is good too). Put a second baking sheet in lower rack in a preheated 350 oven that has about 1/2 inch of water. Put salmon on baking sheet on a rack ABOVE the water filled pan after about 10 minutes. Bake about 20 minutes. Easy ''poached'' salmon. The ''sides'' can be the same as above but add fennel to the roast veggie selection. Deserts? That's what bakeries are for or do good ice cream and biscotti. Fresh fruit with home whipped cream is also good.

One last tip: To divide up the work for elaborate menus, I'll peel and cut up garlic, onions, or veggies the evening before I do the cooking (essentially acting as my own prep cook). I'll also make whatever I can the day before (cream cheese and/or egg spreads for hor d'ourves to be served with olives, green onions, smoked fish/lox, halved cherry tomatoes - all but the tomatoes can be done the day before), any braised dish and many pasta sauces(will take better the next day). Karen H.

How about a taco bar? Everything can be done ahead, the guests make their own, and you can accomodate vegetarians, carnivores, and picky eaters all at once. I have also done pasta bars where I make a big pot of pasta, and offer a couple of different make ahead sauces, a salad and garlic bread. There is nothing wrong with a potluck, either.

In the bigger picture, don't get intimidated. Real friends come over for the company, not to critique the food! Have fun with it

Anyway good advice is to keep it simple.

For kids, lemonade. Maybe put a bottle of Vodka next to it. (for the parents) Card tables are great. make food that won't get spread all over & maybe invest in some party plastic since you are probably going to have a lot of rowdies around now that you are a parent. Cherry tomatos, piate booty, etc in festive bowls...I usually make a big hot tufu/veg (peel a carrot, ginger, & garlic put it in a blender with soy, rice vinegar, & a splash of sesame oil, saute veg, mix that in & add chopped tofu) serve that with a big pot of rice. It's pretty PC for vegans & everyone likes it, plus it's cheap so you can do it....a big salad is good on the side. I alway put it out buffet style.

de-cafe & cupcakes will get rid of/signal the end.... Remember that the most fun is had in imperfect settings so just invite people over and enjoy them. You don't have to wow anybody. That said, it is fun to make goofy decorations with the kids! Just clear a space for the food & relax!

I happen to enjoy baking and I'm good at it, so for my parties I concentrate on the cake. :-) (Or cookies or pie or whatever.) You might likewise just focus your time and energy on whatever aspect of the food and drink you're best at -- or perhaps you'd have fun cooking just about anything as long as you can concentrate on ONE thing (whether appetizer, entree, dessert or drinks) and use store-bought for, or recruit guests to bring, everything else.

And have fun! Cheese and Crackers Host

We're two working parents and two young kids and no extra help but we entertain 1-2 times a week - often just one or two guests, but monthly a larger group. Other tips for keeping it fun:

- keep it simple: chose a menu that looks nice then eliminate 
(or chose to buy) one thing. Scale back.   
- lower your cleaning standards: quickly pile clutter into a box 
and shove it into a closet, stand at your doorway and try to see 
your house as a guest will and only clean the things that are 
most glaring if you're out of time.
- never apologize: if the soup is too salty or the bathroom a 
mess, just ignore it and never draw attention to it by  
commenting on it.  Chances are half the time guests won't 
notice. Unless it's inedibly salty - then quietly don't serve it.
- set the table/clear the worst clutter first so that if you run 
out of time when guests arrive, you're cooking instead of 
running around cleaning.  
- likewise, have appetizers/drinks basically ready to go 
- invite guests from more than one household so they might 
entertain each other while you finish the meal prep.  Or, try to 
get the kids to entertain the guests and v.v. (we sometimes use 
video for the kids as a backup during the pre-meal rush)
- Breathe! Try to relax and have fun, even if it was a hectic 
prep. Your guests will enjoy themselves more if you do
- Pick menus that have elements that can be done ahead.  Cooking 
magazines tend to tell you how far ahead something can be done, 
as do some cookbooks.
- Try to follow the rule of never making a something the first 
time for guests. Especially at first, cook things that you are 
familiar with or that are very simple so being distracted by 
guests won't throw you off.
- When I invite new guests I ask for any food restrictions in 
the family in advance.  I don't tend to accomodate food 
preferences per se (''my kid only eats white food''), but I do set 
a menu that suits true restrictions.
- Offer a range of beverages (alcohol and non)

Enjoy! There's a lot to be said for entertaining, especially in our situation with young kids where both eating out and being invited to someone else's house are very rare treats. - Loves entertaining...

Always entertaining, but rarely invited

Often times my husband and I feel like we take on all the work of entertaining and having friends over to our home, but are rarely invited over to their home. We are very social people and love to cook, drink wine and mingle with friends and their children (we have two children). We have a couple of friends who reciprocate often, but the majority of our friends and even our family members (my own brother) do not.

Sometimes I wonder if we'd even see some of our friends (or family for that matter) if we didn't invite them over! These are friends with children the same age as ours, and our children all get along very well. Also, these are friends we have known for the past 5-10 years, and I can say they've had us over maybe 2-3 times at the most.

And while I love to get together, it tends to get very expensive to always be the one hosting. On average our dinner parties cost us between $30-50 not including the wine. I buy nice cuts of meat or fish, organic vegies and put together simple but gourmet type meals (these are not throw a hamburger on the grill kind of parties). We spend a lot of time cleaning the house, setting the table, cooking and then all the clean-up afterwards. We derive a lot of enjoyment from entertaining friends and family, and feel it's important for our children to experience the fun in having friends over and sharing a meal and good conversation around a table.

We are pretty easy going people, and our children are very polite and play well with others. We make and keep friends easily and have never had a falling out with any of them, so it can't be a personality thing or something with our children.

I've tried having friends over between meals, for a ''let the kids play'' kind of thing, but inevitably they stay for lunch or dinner. We've tried meeting friends in restaurants but it's either too expensive or its hard on the young children so that doesn't work too well. And on the rare occasion that we have been invited over our friends order take-out (and of course I pay our fair share)! Is it normal to invite people over to your house and make them pay for the take-out order?!

Do some people just never entertain or host dinners at their home? Is it right to have dinner at a friend or family member's house 15-20 times a year for the past 5+ years, but invite them over to your home maybe only 2-3 times in that time frame? Should I just not invite these friends over again and have my children be sad about not seeing their friends? How do I do that to family members? Or should I just realize (and accept) that some people do not/will never reciprocate or just don't entertain? would love to have someone cook us dinner for a change!

I see that you have four reasonable options: 1. Host potlucks from now on, so your food cost is minimal. This means accepting that the food will always be a wildcard. Also, it gently teaches your friends that there is effort involved in parties, and perhaps they will wise up.

2. Stop inviting people who never reciprocate (in other words, stop having parties).

3. Realize there is a cost involved with great entertainment, and understand that your enjoyment far outweighs the money you spend on it. Understand that in your circle of friends, your role is that of host, for better or worse. Accept that others cannot accomplish what you can. Accept that it will always cost you more than it does your friends.

4. Widen your circle of friends to include people who enjoy hosting as much as you.

My feeling is that your friends are not opposed to helping out - they just never thought about it. Or, hosting parties is not their forte. Maybe they aren't organized enough; maybe their house is too messy/small; maybe the idea of hosting overwhelms them. Maybe also, parties are not that important to them. Sure, they enjoy going to others' parties, but there isn't a large enough priority for them to do it themselves (enjoyment vs effort expended is not high enough). I know all these things are true for me. So... I should never go to another party again, because I will never ever host my own party. Yes, that might be the fair thing to do, even though it would mean the end of socializing. Instead, I see that some people are fantastic party hosts. So I leave it to them since they're good at it (and LIKE it), and I contribute, whether it is wine, flowers, dessert, snacks, whatever.

I think it's wonderful that you are able to host successful parties regularly. How nice that you enjoy hosting them and also are organized enough to get all the necessary food as well as guests. You said you derive a lot of enjoyment from it and spend .. was it, $30-50/month on it? As far as entertaining fees, that's not bad considering how much you enjoy it. I knew a gal who spent $300 per party, just on the food/drinks.

If all your friends started saying ''Gee, I don't think I should come and eat all your food. After all, I never have parties myself'', I'm sure you would still encourage them to come. Otherwise, you'd end up hosting a party in which only you and your spouse are present.

Good luck figuring this out for yourself. I think there is no perfect answer. Signed, Party goer

There are two possible explanations for why others ''let'' you do all the entertaining -- either they are comfortable and happy in your home, or they see you as unwilling to give up control. If in fact its the first case, there's no harm in encouraging your guests to bring food or drink, or just in accepting what they offer... and accepting that your home is the center of activity. If its the second option ---- well you have to decide what to do.

My parents gave us the gift of a welcoming, warm, generous home. If they were keeping track of who owed what I never knew... If entertaining makes you happy, I'd encourage you to stop keeping track, and accept your role in your friends' lives.

I miss the social circus I grew up in... but married a shy person. Thanks for reminding me that we need to do more having people over -- for our sakes, for the sake of our kids, and because its fun! Soon to be graciously hosting...

1. I love to entertain, so I do it often. The house is a little cleaner, and I love taking out the good tablecloth, dishes, glasses and setting a great table. I own dozens and dozens of cookbooks and love making new things, sometimes gourmet, sometimes cheaper but gourmet like. This is why we often have people over.

2. Many of my friends DO NOT like to entertain, and they will never invite me over. Some live in small, cramped apartments in SF. Some are not genetically disposed to appreciate all that ''having friends over for dinner'' represents. I have one friend who so shamelessly NEVER hosted a party, gathering, or dinner but was always there for yours that we started making fun of him regularly and this eased the tension. And he's started having us to dinner, but he just bought a beautiful house to entertain in. I think there are many reasons why people don't invite friends for dinner, most of them having nothing to do with stinginess or callousness. It often has more to do with messy houses and the perceived inability to cook.

3. People who come to your house for dinner and don't ask ''What can I bring?'' are RUDE. A good friend cooks something or brings a salad, maybe even a decent bottle of wine. An idiot can muster up a bad bottle of wine. Empty handed? For shame.

4. What's UP with the people who invite you over and ask for $$ towards the takeout? However, there's a difference between inviting people over for dinner and then ordering take out and expecting the guest to pay half and ''come on over and watch the game,'' which then turns into, ''Anyone want to chip in and order a pizza?''

In conclusion, my husband and I are the entertainers - so much so we joked about it in our wedding vows. Our friends are not quite as enthusiastic about it, and while I am disappointed, I have come to terms with it. You don't mention - do you work? Since having my son I've been working part time from home, so it's a lot easier to plan a Friday night meal and prep here and there Thursday and Friday day. Or plan to make a braised chicken or beef dish and marinade it overnight, get it in the oven for 5pm. I am also a big multi tasker and my son is very well tempered, so I can cook a dinner for friends without a toddler tantrum. When I worked a FT job my entertaining was way less aggressive. And I saw my friends less as a result. So I am in the same boat as you, and I used to think exactly what you think. and it got me nowhere but in a sadder state. The social strata is filled with all kinds, and I've decided that this is my role. Better this than on the periphery. anon

We've been doing this for years, beginning with a Mother's Day barbecue planned by the dads when our kids were in kindergarten; now the oldest are high school juniors and we have many happy years of memories, as well as surrogate family for us all. We have taken camping trips and vacations together, and shared rented ski cabins that accomodate skiers and non-skiers alike. And the potluck picnic idea has then evolved naturally into dinner parties where the hosts prepare the bulk of the meal but one family brings dessert, another a green salad, and the third an appetizer. You get the idea. Good Luck. Happy Hostess

I'm in fact quite impressed that you find the time and energy to entertain so often. Hope this is helpful, and that you don't lose your friends. a non-entertainer

We happen to give big parties with some frequency, but almost never invite anyone over for dinner. When we do see friends for lunch or dinner, it is almost always a go out or take-out situation and everyone pays their own way. This is not abnormal, although usually it's a little more reciprocal in the sense that either family might be the one to suggest getting together and there is some tradeoff in terms of which family visits the other's home. And it's also a little more upfront -- we don't issue an invitation for dinner and then say, hey, we're calling for pizza! When the arrangements are being made we'll say ''we could hang out for a while and get some dinner'' or ''we could meet at Habitot and then go get some lunch''.

Perhaps you could ask your friends to bring the wine. And/or some other component of the meal. Or you could adopt the take- out solution yourself -- at least some of the time. Or suggest meeting at a nearby restaurant and returning to your home just for dessert. But don't expect people who don't ''do'' dinner parties to invite you to one -- and don't deprive yourself of their company, assuming you otherwise enjoy it, over this! anon

Is your house a great space for large groups and theirs isn't? Here are some potential solutions to ease portions of your burden - financially and otherwise...As they leave next time say, ''HEy lets have dinner at your place next time.'' Give gobbs of positive reinforcement when on that rare occaision you do plan to eat at their house (remeber why they might feel reluctant)...''a simple home cooked meal would be fine''..or if they might feel better cooking with you, as you have tons of experience, say ''I can come over at x pm and we can cook it together.''..Set examples when you go to their place and offer to bring the dessert or the wine or both - and say you'll bring these to their house this time, and they can bring wine and dessert next time. At the dinner and afterwards, praise their cooking. Also at the end of the meal say, ''you cooked, so we'll help with the dishes!''. Tell them how much fun you had at their house and how it would be nice to go back and forth with the dinning location (''it's so nice to get a change of scenery!'') Nesxt time the dinner is at your place, ask them to bring a major portion of it...or the wine and the dessert. After the dinner, get them to help you with the cleanup so that you don't have to do all of it and end up resenting them for it. And there is always the approach - although not as honest perhpas - of making the meals at your home less interesting (order pizza...and a boring pizza at that) and tell them you just didn't have it in you to get a big meal together that day. - Anonymous

1. We hardly ever get the chance. Whenever we think we start thinking we should have them over, they invite us over first.

2. Distance. We live far away, and we've definitely gotten the impression they don't want to drive that far just to visit us. We on the other hand don't mind BARTing over to visit them.

3. Time. I'm the one that loves to cook and entertain, but I'm also the one working 50+ hours a week. My husband is a SAHD but doesn't cook. While I used to entertain quite a bit, I've had to reprioritize after our baby was born and unfortunately, spending time entertaining has been deprioritized quite a bit. Although entertaining is a high priority for you, you aren't in a position to decide how high a priority it should be for your friends.

4. Cost. We are living on less than half as much income as our friends who entertain us often, and I'm pretty sure that they don't know that. Entertaining them at the same level they entertain us would be a major financial hardship for us.

It's wonderful that you love laying out a lavish spread for your friends. But if you are starting to feel taken advantage of, then by all means tone it down a little. I'm sure your friends love spending time with you, and I'm sure they would reciprocate if they could. I suspect that the reason they aren't is because they, like us, just can't. At least not on the same level. Also, when our friends do order take out when we visit, not only do we not mind, but we always pay our fair share. anon

It can be an expense. You can't really ask people to help with that but maybe you can have them bring something....wine, dessert, a dish? It's hard to go out with lots of kids, but you could try going out to dinner (not as cozy and intimate) rather than everyone at your house. You may just have to accept that this is the way it is and enjoy it for that. HOpe this helps. anon

You might think of starting a gourmet club (like a book club for foodies). Perhaps it is a group of 3 or 4 couples who all like to cook...you meet once a month a someone's house (with or without kids). It can even be a potluck style with the host of the evening delagating the dishes that each couple needs to bring with them to the party. It can even be a themed event. My friend had a lemon tree and served a dinner party with each course centered around lemons! This could be a great way to explore new types of cusine too (one dinner party can be just indian food and another one Spanish tapas). But most importantly it is a great way to regularly meet with friends who share your passions. Keep cooking! Sincerely, italian mama

Having said that, I don't think you should always feel like you have to do all the work yourself. Why not invite everyone over for a potluck -- maybe a regularly scheduled thing. You provide the wine and a main dish and have everyone else bring something. Or now that the days are getting longer, what about inviting everyone to meet up at a park for an evening picnic. Sometimes people just need someone to suggest or organize the event and then they'll step up to the plate and do their share.

I, like you, love getting together with friends and always mean to do it, just don't feel I'm as capable of entertaining as some of my other friends. And perhaps you are so good at it, you make it look easy and others don't realize what an imposition it is to always be heading to your house for dinner. anon

I think that cooking makes some pepole nervous. I can cook, but have to plan for it, do it ahead of , and I'm never sure if its just going to be good. My husband, can prepare anything on the go, and if he prepares things, everybody says its delicious. Thus, I'm a lot more lazy about organizing things that involve food than he is... If people perceive you as a good cook and someone who enjoys having their company, then maybe they have little incentive to change things around?

What about suggesting dinner at your friend's and bringing some food? This would be a middle point from them taking care of everything at once...
bad cook

Once the guests arrive, things tend to remain hectic as diapers still need to be changed, sippy cups need to be refilled, etc. all while graciously trying to host your friends. Second, from the lovely entertaining style you described, you may have friends who don't feel they can entertain as well as you do. Some of my friends are very intimidated by cooking and I suspect this an additional barrier to having us over. Third, some our friends don't like to have people over because they feel they lack space, etc. If you really want to keep seeing these people and a home and a meal need to be involved, perhaps you should try potluck so everyone shares the cooking and cost. Good luck and don't take it personally. Aeks

I also have friends who have so much more energy than I do that they are ALWAYS initiating events. My husband and I can't keep up with them! We mean to (we really do) but they always sneak up on us and get that invite in before we have a chance to.

Another thing I'm thinking is that maybe other people don't reciprocate because you are not at the top of their list. I don't mean that they don't like you or appreciate what you have done for them. What I mean is, if they are the kind of people who like to have dinner guests only once a month, instead of say, every weekend, then maybe there are other, closer friends that they want to have over instead of you. This may not seem fair but it may be true. I have friends that I LOVE to see who never, ever have us over. They always come to our house, bring good wine, and help me cook. It is always fun. Why do we never go to their house? Who knows? I'm just glad to see them and would gladly have them over for the next 50 years even if I never ate at their place.

Finally, have you thought about telling your brother to have you over? Or that you would love to have someone cook for you for a change? That's what I did when I got tired of coordinating most of our family get-togethers, and it was really fun. My brother just assumed that I wanted to have everyone to my house all the time, but once he realized that wasn't the case, he took the lead.

If you are tired of taking on all the work of entertaining, you can always stop doing it, back off, and see what happens. You may find that others step up to fill the space you have created. There may be some folks that you don't see...but if it's bugging you that they don't reciprocate, maybe it's time for a little distance. If you think it is too expensive to have people over and fix all the food yourself, why not ask people to bring everything but the main course? As far as your kids being sad that they won't see their friends--I bet they'll deal with it, but it also sounds like you would be sad to have your level of socializing go down. Maybe there is a way to keep seeing your friends without the time, energy, and expense you described...you might just have to change your idea af what a good night having friends over is. No Longer Keeping Score

There are a few ways to work around it. You might start making gatherings into semi-potlucks. You provide the main dish, and ask people to bring the side dishes. Everyone I know is fine with this, in fact people usually are more than happy to chip in. Another thing we sometimes do is to have a barbeque at a local park. Everyone brings stuff for the barbeque, and some side dishes. We usually provide the charcoal and some extra meat. But that way we don't have to clean the house, and the cost is spread around.

You can also suggest outings together, like all going to the zoo or the beach together.

Good luck! I am sure your friends are worth keeping, they are probably just feeling overwhelmed and disorganized! loves a party

Now I do have rare parties, but I don't necessarily enjoy them, for all the reasons you mentioned: lots of work cleaning and cooking...expense...and time.

I would say that you should do it less if the non-reciprocation bothers you enough, or just do it anyway and know that some people will not reciprocate very much.

ps. I do think it is a bit much for people to expect you to chip- in for take out meals at their house...Just curious...did they ask you for $$ or did you offer? Asocialites

And since you seem to have many friends that don't reciprocate, it is possible that you won't see some friends as often if you don't host, but you probablyshould be willing to either let those ''friends'' go or focus on ways to get the kids together in neutral, meal-free zones. How about a picnic, and everybody brings their own food, or say that you'd like to meet someplace not associated with food (the zoo, Lawrence Hall of Science, Merry go round, etc), and either do it right after lunch or mention that you'll bring lunch for your family? Or tell the person that you're not going to worry about food since your kids will have just eaten, and that will make things easier. Or if you feel generous, you can continue to host, but not as often, or bring picnic food to share. Eventually, if you work within your own limits, you'll move on from people who aren't really compatible as friends, and you'll probably naturally spend more time with people who do reciprocate. (I'm with you, thinking that reciprocating should come naturally, but I also know that some people can't keep up with me and I can't keep up with others). I've now got friends that I can have over any old time, because they don't mind that I have to move things off the table before I feed them, and I don't mind that they've got clutter. anon

In fact, I find that there are very few people who can cook a nice meal for more than just family. If you are feeling put upon, stop having dinners. Otherwise, just enjoy the times you have at your house, and let go of all your negative feelings about it. Anon

Since I have had my son (3 years ago). I now need some help and can't do it all. So, I delegate! I call the sisters up and ask them if they can bring a dish, come early to help set up and help me with my son. They don't seem to mind helping now.

I would ask your friends and family that you need some extra help with cooking. Let them participate with the cooking...Have a cooking party! Have everyone pitch in...bring a special dish. That might be fun for everyone and will make you feel better about them coming over.

I can't believe that your friends would charge you $$$ for takeout! Wow, what kind of freinds would do that? Especially, after all your nice dinner parties. That would piss me off.

I would cut back on the invites and start making new friends that are also givers and not takers. Balance is key and we all need it in our lives. When you have friends that don't appreciate you it's time for them to go.

I hope you can work it out. Just know who your real friends are. And before you plan a dinner party...prepare yourself to have a good time ...you invited them - right? And remind yourself that you love to entertain. If you're not having fun - Stop entertaining.

Good Luck! anon

Soo - don't host so many dinners if you are feeling unappreciated or unreciprocated. In your situation, people certainly aren't going to change and start hosting/having folks over. Especially with kids - just because you can somehow swing the shin-digs, many folks find it impossible to more than the holiday/birthday once or twice a year thing.

Also, you sound like you are more in the formal camp - if your friends order take-out and you chip in - would it kill you to loosen up and do the same? Or have a pot luck. Some houses have a better set up for gatherings, my house sucks for having people over. but i love to bring a dish over a friend's house. Perhaps people feel like they can't match your standards and don't invite you because it's too hard to do it your way...

if it's really the friendships that matter, then be friends. don't build up resentment - and whatever you do, don't continue to have people over if you will begin to feel resentment towards them (which it sounds like has already set in)... A wise friend of mine says, ''sometimes the only thing you can change is how you think about something''... good luck relax and enjoy your company

Entertaining is expensive, time consuming, and can be stressful. I also think it takes some talent to entertain. That is why so many people don't do it. When I have people over, I enjoy it so much that it is worth all of the work. I always ask my guests to bring something (usually wine/beer) . We also recently had a potluck with about 4 other families. I made one thing and everyone brought something to share. It was a great way to get a group of people over and not burden ourselves with all the work. My advice, just enjoy yourselves. I assume youe friends love and appreciate that you open your home, cooking, and time to them. But don't keep a track record.....

Another Entertainer

You are doing a tremendous job keeping your budget to around 50 dollars. Mine goes way over the top (over 150 or more).Entertaining is a task that some people can't imagine and I don't blame them. Cleaning the house, buying the food and preparing cooking and cleaning up. that's a full time job. Try hiring people and you will see what it costs. We are in an age of no time. It's beyond the means of many, extra time and money in the same week.

It's not like the old days when a wife was at home and that was her duty. IThere are no extended families to come and help at the drop of a hat or to take care of the children. What most people do is have pot lucks. I hate pot lucks myself since the meal is so unpredictable and usually lob sided no matter what you do.

I feel that when you get past 40, unless it's a family tradition. and you have two working people in the family you should seriously consider upgrading your entertaining and stop asking people to pot lucks. It feels cheap. It send the message that you don't have enough to share. Many people in the arts do this I wonder if they don't realize they are a grown up now. I went to one where they hired someone to serve rather than provide the food. Seemed backwards to me. I am with you I say provide for your guests. But I am not the majority.

Hear my beef. Entertaining gives rise to resentment. Given the fact I hate pot lucks I can't get one family member in on it. I do not want anyone to bring anything.

She insist she bring a special dish at the last minute when I have already planned the entire meal. For instance I plan an entire Japanese meal and she had to bring Apple Betty) On my Mexican motif I spent two days making tamales and she called to say that her children wouldn't eat them so she was bringing QUESADILLAS. It hurts my feelings (I planned special kids cheese tamales). One guest wanted to bring her left overs and was upset that she couldn't bring them. So count your blessings.

My family resents the tension in the house when I give these parties that my guests love. On Easter my husband made us go to a Picantes because he couldn't stand the time involved. It wasn't very good but I have to say I saw his point. Everyone was happy because they had two days free (rather than preparing and cleaning up)

What you are asking for is a set of family and friends that happen to be into entertaining. You don't have them. Entertaining like parenting is a one way street. If you love it it it helps, if you don't' farm as much of it out as you can. Give up the expectations that you will get anything back. That's hard.

If you really want to cut down on the costs order pizza barbeque and get your friends to pick it up and offer to pay when it arrives. They probably wont take your money. That's the standard now- Dutch. order pizza and more for the baby

I have one set of friends who always host their friends, and I never reciprocate. Why? It's overwhelming for me. I know it's not overwhelming for them, and I'm awestruck and appreciative about that, but it's something I just cannot do. This is a particular talent that you have, and that not everyone shares. I feel bad about rarely having groups over - I grew up in a party household, and miss it. But with working and childcare I just can't muster it. Plus, another aspect that may or may not be a factor for you is that for us, I feel really overwhelmed by a larger family in my house. I'm a single mom with one child, and a family of four just feels like a huge group in the house, especially with active kids. My house is smaller (MUCH smaller) than my entertaining friends' house. Plus, as a single parent, it's a lot of work to have people over - you're the ONLY host, with lots of responsibility for food prep, child direction (what's OK/not OK in your house for kids, etc.), greeting, meeting, making sure everyone's taken care of. It's too much for me, and I envy people who pull it off easily.

Anyway, bottom line, I think you're gifted at this, and your friends appreciate it but are not able to reciprocate for one or many reasons. If you enjoy it, keep doing it, but realize that not everyone can. Think of it as playing the piano beautifully for everyone's enjoyment - you wouldn't expect everyone to be able to do that as well, and it may help to understand that it feels analogous to those who don't have your particular talent.

But I do think your friends should certainly buy your take-out! I get take-out a lot when friends are over, because that's the only way I can manage to have them, and we do want to see them. Something's got to give. And with friends who are on similar footing, we do often split the cost. But if I invite people over more formally, and certainly if I''m reciprocating for entertainment they've provided, I pay for the takeout, and brook no arguments. I don't know whether you can mention this to your friends - I can see how you'd feel resentful. Maybe next time, don't offer to pay ''your share'' and see what happens? overwhelmed and impressed

You are right. We should invite people over. I just don't see how I can ever do it. And I don't know how you manage, either. I would guess that at least some of your friends and family are in the same boat. Perhaps they are intimidated by your clean house and excellent food, and don't dare reciprocate because they simply can't manage to do such a great job.

It would seem to me that you have 3 choices: Continue as you are, if you enjoy it. Scale back on the parties you give, if it's costing too much, and do something smaller to at least enjoy the company. Or give up on those of your friends and family who are as hopeless as we are. But at least accept that they're probably not doing it to be ungracious. Karen

I have a feeling that you make it look super easy and your friends don't realize it's a lot of work for you. And/or, you may simply be a hard act to follow since you don't do "hamburgers on the grill". If you and your family enjoy having people over and enjoy watching your children play with other children, and you value the time spent around the dining table with friends, then continue hosting. But I don't think you should keep a tally.

I'll Entertain in my Next Life

I fume about it for a while and vow to never invite them over again....but then I can't carry a grudge for long and I attempt to feel pity for their social ineptness!

Since I want to have other families to come over because it's fun for us and for our kids...I just make it as easy as possible for US. We may staighten up a bit but we never clean. We often pick up take and bake pizzas (cheap!) and throw together a salad. I find it easy to ask my guests to bring wine, dessert, or something else. If pizza doesn't work for someoone I have no problem asking them to contribute towards take out...as long as they are warned ahead of time and they get to help order the food I think that's an ok option. Yes, there is clean up involved but we can handle that and every once in a while we get surprised by a return invitation. I think people are hesitant to invite families over because they get overwhlemed about the idea of preparing for it, etc. (I'm trying to think the best of people) We just don't attempt to be the supreme hosts and no one seems to mind. anon

My recommendation if you find yourself entertaining more than you'd like, is to sometimes take it easy and order takeout. I am more than happy to chip in (or treat), especially when I'm at the home of a friend who entertains more than their share (this of course requires that you be willing to accept money when offered). I am not sure why you don't approve of your friends ordering out when you are over, unless that's just a monetary thing (you say you pay your way). I think many people are just not capable/willing to buy/cook/clean a ''real'' meal. Don't take it personally and be glad you don't suffer over each get-together like many of us do. More Relaxed as a Guest

- plans outings, arrives on time, whatever] in this friendship and it bothers me. Can we change this?'' (Note this is different than having a conversation in which you say, ''You always do xyz and I think it really stinks.'') Sometimes the person will say yes, sometimes the person will say no, and sometimes the person says yes and does the same thing all over again. Then it is up to me to decide if I want to maintain the relationship or not. For example, I have several friendships that would end if I did not make the effort to maintain them.

I've made a conscious decision in each case that it's worth it to me. I guess what I struggle with is the need to make the other person's behavior ''wrong.'' Maybe people have different values, different commitments or different priorities? Maybe people don't feel comfortable having people in their homes, for whatever reason? It's not really up to me to change other people; it's up to me to set limits around what I will accept.

If other people can't respect those limits, then I have to accept them the way they are, or end the relationship. Yes, it is really frustrating and painful sometimes. But I have appreciated it so much when a friend has told me when something I do is troubling or irritating, and gives me a chance to change my behavior or explain why I'm not going to change. It is honest and respectful. What I did notice about your post is that you don't say that you've ever actually spoken with any of your friends about your resentment. It's not about what's right or wrong. It's about what works or doesn't work for you and whether your friends are interested in reciprocating the way you'd like them to. It also sounds like you're giving and giving what you'd really like to get, and it's making you mad. On the other hand, it sounds like you have a lovely social life. Maybe they contribute in other ways? Good luck with this issue; it's a hard one! Been there

Interestingly enough, many people made the wrong assumptions about me from my post. So I thought I would clear up some misconceptions of one who entertains a lot...my house is very small, and my yard smaller; my house is not clean(I wish it was), and although I do ''clean'' it really means pushing things under the bed, wiping down the bathroom and putting toys away; my dishes don't match and my napkins are folded paper towels; my house smells like the dog; I love to throw hot dogs on the grill as much as I love to make a nice dish; I generously accept if people want to ''bring something''; and for some who mentioned the price of entertaining you were right - it really costs me between $80-150 when I started to watch the dollars.

Thank you again for your generous and open comments/advice, I really took all of them to heart and feel really good about entertaining without further hang-ups! Will continue to entertain