Changing from a Nanny to a Home-Based Daycare
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Changing from a Nanny to a Home-Based Daycare
Nov 2009
Our son is 17 mo old and has been cared for by a nanny/nanny
share since he was 3.5 months old. He has a mild temperament in
general and has been pretty easy-going with transitions. He's
had his first 2 days of daycare this week. This week is the
transition phase, when our nanny is taking him and helping to
get him adjusted to the daycare bit by bit each day. So far, I
have been disappointed by the lack of clear communication by the
daycare staff to explain to me how the transition is going and
what is being done to ease the transition. The first day they
asked our nanny to leave when according to the transition
schedule there was not supposed to be separation until the 2nd
or 3rd day. Our son was a wreck!
Our nanny has reported that he is crying even when she remains
in the room if she gets out of his sight. When he cries the
staff have apparently done nothing to comfort him and so she has
felt that she had to continually intervene in order to reassure
him and calm him down (when she was tryign to keep to the
sidelines). Can somebody please let me know there experience
with day care transition? Is this nonchalant attitude by the
daycare ''normal''?
anon
It's completely normal for a 17 month old to cry for after only 2
days of care! I'm a toddler care provider and have had kids who
still cry at drop off after a year! They often then turn around
and have a wonderful day. If you have concerns about what the
childcare providers are doing, ask them specifically, don't rely
on second hand observations. They may have a strategy. Some
children get really angry when you try to hold them while they
are expressing their feelings about the transition. In my program
we honor the child's emotions and don't try to change them, but
acknowledge them. Could they be doing that? Also, the drop off
person should have a predictable routine. Once they say they are
leaving, they should leave and give concrete information, ''Momma
will pick you up after nap''. Don't keep turning around to comfort
a crying child, it raises their anxiety level. Tell them, ''Sue
will pick you up and hug you if you need her.'' Here is a link to
some more toddler separation info:
http://att.iparenting.com/toddlers/daycare.htm
stephanie
We transitioned our daughter when she was 11 months to a family owned day care.
She had been home with one of us up until then. The day care had 10 kids total with
2 staff (the owner and a helper), and a lot of other family help at various times.
This is the way we did transition: visited together 2-3 times for 30-60 minutes.
Visited together for an hour, left her for an hour (she cried, the lady held her and
tried to distract her). did that 1-2 times. did 3 days of 4 hour days. then went full
time (8.5 hours, 3 days a week).
She stopped crying after a few visits. The lady always held her when we left and tried
(successfully) to distract her, and we felt she really knew how hard it was both for us
to leave our baby and for our baby to be left.
Of course, even though this place came highly recommended by close friends, it felt
awful to leave her. We felt guilty for not getting a nanny and I cried myself when I
had to leave my daughter! But we did trust the staff and by the end of a few months
we all loved it. It was obvious how much the owner loved the kids.
If you do not feel good about this place you are using, you may want to listen to
that. You may feel differently (better or worse) if you are able to do some of this
transitioning yourself? It's so hard with work schedules, but it could save you
months of not knowing/doing it all over again/angst. Trust your instincts. There are
a lot of good daycares out there.
C
Feb 2006
I am a mom of an 18-month old girl. I recently have been wanting
to switch her care from her nanny (sheb1109>Rough transition for 17-mo-old to daycares had for over a year) to
a home daycare situation. There are many reasons for the switch,
for one, I have the feeling that the nanny is usually looking
out for herself. I hate this feeling, but sometimes I feel that
she puts her needs before my childb1109>Rough transition for 17-mo-old to daycares (ie spending all day in the
park when it is cold outside rather than be in the house,
because it is nicer for her to interact with others, however,
what may be best for the child is not to be outside for the
whole day!) I have tried to bring up this issue, but it
sometimes seems to fall back on what the nanny wants, and I am
not home anyway to remind her etc. I know my child is happy with
the nanny, but I am not. Do I make the switch to a place that I
really like and trust, even if it will be hard for my child? Has
anyone been in this position before? On top of this, there is
the chance that I might want to switch my child into a preschool
come September (else I will need to wait until she is over 3
next September), so my child would just be in this new daycare
for 6 or 7 months. Is it still worth it? Is this too much change
in a short period? Have other parents made these changes
smoothly? Or will my child adapt to these new appropriate
environments if they are both nurturing and age-appropriate?
To change or Not?
I don't know whether it's right to switch to daycare now. But I do have an opinion about the specific issue of going to the park on cold days. I am a stay-at-home mom, and I take my daughter to the park most days it isn't raining. She is my own child, and I couldn't be more devoted to her well-being. The main reason is we go outside so much is that she loves it. She often gets crabby in the house with only me all day. Chatting with the other adults there is just a side benefit for me -- I really go for her emjoyment. Many other parents have said the same about their kids. If they are are bundled up well, they usually don't mind a little cold weather -- it's not like we live in Minnesota, after all -- and they love being outdoors around the other kids, even if they don't quite play cooperatively yet. I see many loving, attentive nannies at the parks we frequent, and the kids usually seem happy to be there. Now, there's probably a lot else going on in your situation, but on that one point, I think you are OK.
Anon
It isn't going to be easy on your or your child to go through two major childcare changes in the next 6-7 months. If you choose carefully, perhaps you will only need to transition once, from nanny to daycare..then stay with that daycare.
Don't just put your child in anywhere to avoid having future dealings with this nanny. Or, You may have to have a chat with your nanny - put things in writing and get her to sign it. Get angry if need be. Remind her that she is working for you not the other way round.
Give her an outing time limit - call the house to see that she is back within the alotted time. Ask her to provide alternatives to staying out all day. Ask her to explain exactly why she doesn't like being in the house. Could she take your child to Gymboree or something if she needs to be out longer than a walk in the park might take? You sound as if you have put up with this and now the nanny is comfortable doing it - you need to create some discomfort and get her back on track. If she is unwilling, start looking for alternatives - but make changing daycare two times a last resort.
Your child comes first
You should feel 100% comfortable and happy with a nanny. At the very least she should pay attantion to your expectations of how she spends her day with your child. You are paying her to do so.
If you do not believe in her you should change.
Kids are so open (at least my 2 1/2 year old is) and I have found that they adjust to changes better than we think. A daycare situation will be fun for your child and will introduce him to lots of friends and new ways to interact and explore the world.
My son has a nanny 2 days a week and 1 day he's with my sister and occasionally he goes to a drop in daycare center. AND he spends every weekend with his father. So many changes and he's the most social, funny, happy, and well adjusted child I know.
Go for it. Most kids really like being around other kids.
monica
Oct 2004
We recently hired a nanny that we share with another family
full time (5 days a week). Our son seems happy with the nanny,
and the two boys seem happy together, but the situation is not
perfect. We have had trouble communicating with her and the
other family.
While our son appears happy, managing this new employee, as
well as the relationship with the other family, is more time
consuming than we had predicted. We are wondering if we should
have looked more seriously at day care situations. We chose a
nanny because we felt our child would receive more
individualized attention. In addition, we had to find someone
on short notice and just assumed that daycares would not be
able to accomodate us. Now I'm wondering if we should have
pursued day care because it seems that going that route less of
our time would be spent on management.
First, I'm trying to get a sense of whether what we're going
through is normal. Do others who are using a nanny share find
the management onerous? Because we're new to this, I can't
tell if what we're experiencing is unique or typical. In
addition, I would like to know if other people started out with
a nanny and decided to switch to daycare, and if so why?
Thanks for your thoughts.
reconsidering our choice
I did not have a share situation but I did transition from
nanny to daycare. I too made the assumption that having a
nanny would provide more attention to my son. There are
several reasons I felt changing to a daycare was better for
our situation.
My son loves going there and doesn't like to leave. He's
made many friends.
The main teacher of this small home daycare loves the
work she does and it shows.
I don't have to coordinate or schedule anything. I just drop
him off.
Nannies are far more expensive.
All around it works for us. I have friends that have done
shares or coop type situations and that has worked well for
them. It's important to pay attention to your instincts.
molly
I have had several nannies and i would agree, even the best of
them seem to take up a lot of time ''managing'' their various
issues. Nanny shares can also take up a lot of time and energy
to administer. To me, this is certainly a valid reason to
choose daycare over a nanny. In hindsight, after having devoted
hundreds of hours to nanny ''stuff'' I wish i had chosen daycare
earlier on. My advice to you is to do a lot of due diligence on
the daycare as well, because based on what i've read on this
digest, daycares can give rise to time-consuming problems as
well, and it can be harder to replace a daycare than a nanny.
Fran
I strongly feel that daycares and preschool will help children
grow and learn faster and with greater interest than with a
single adult. In a situation involving 6-12 kids, the children
learn from eachother as well as from the teacher. Some
kids learn faster and can teach other kids how to keep up.
It's a kind of pack mentality. Since we are social beings we
need to take into consideration that socializing is a key
factor to communication. Not just verbally but, emotionally
as well. Being surrounded by children with all kinds of
emotional needs gives your child an opportunity to express
him/herself freely. Which is an important step towrds
nurturing creative flow. Whether it be writing, art, music or
pretend play (acting)... these are all key elements that help a
child tap into his/her own exploratory capabilities.
Being isolated with a nanny can be detrimental and limiting.
Kids need to have falls, have disagreements and have time
away from adults so they can be themselves with their
peers. Just like moms and dads need to go out alone to
have quality time with each other.
I highly recommend you consider a day care ( I know one
that has openings right now in Berkeley - because we just
left to go to a 'big kid' preschool after 1.5 years there). There
so much to be explored that a nanny and trips to the park
can't provide.
Hope this helps!
tinygirl_oak
Nanny or daycare? There is no universal right answer for any
given family. One thing we have found is that given that the
stakes are so high (the well-being of your child) and people
are (consciously or not) insecure about their choices you will
find that many/most people conclude that whatever they have
chosen is the RIGHT choice. Because if it wasn't - what does
that say about them and their parenting? Remembering that will
help you to take a breath when evaluating the endless choices
ahead of you as you parent.
What we did: We chose daycare. Why? Daycare doesn't get sick.
That was one reason. The hours and availability were constant.
The rules were clear. What else? All daycare is not created
equal. So it isn't daycare or nanny - but which daycare or
which nanny? The quality of childcare in both cases varies
tremendously. We found a fantastic program - one where we felt
the teachers were committed to childare as a profession, were
compassionate, skilled, respected and respectful, made a decent
living and more. We also like what it taught both our children
about relating to others and being in a group. They liked
playing with other children but still had adequate time for
naps and quiet, alone time. We learned from the teachers and
directors as in any given situation they had faced it before
and we were doing it for the first time. It felt like a
partnership. We also felt like both our children got plenty of
individualized attention, comfort and help.
The down-side of daycare? You have to get your child up and out
the door on time with a lunch packed. If they are sick, which
will happen, you need to have alternate arrangements handy.
We have had really good luck with sitters but you are depending
on a daytime nanny to be a lot of things - energetic,
responsible, loving,etc. And, as you mention, there is all the
dynamics of working with her and another family. All childcare
arrangements take time and management. But communication is key
and you need to feel comfortable about that. Could you set up a
regular meeting time to talk in person with the other family
and/or the nanny so that it isn't just when there is a problem
that you are talking? That way a set time could have casual
conversation lead to problem solving without it being
contentious.
Good luck. All of these decisions and processes regarding your
children feel huge.
-another mom making choices
It sounds like your share situation is not ideal. We currently
have a nanny and are so pleased. The attention our daughter is
getting could not possibly be replicated in day care. Also,
getting to nap at home in her crib is really important as well.
Your son sounds happy which is the ultimate goal - but maybe a
different share situation would be better?
anon
Hi, we had a nanny for the approx. 4 years and she cared for my
first and second child from 9 mo- 3 years old. We joined a
nanny share with friends so we had a lot of confidence in the
the nanny going into it, but I must say that the one down-side
of all those years was the feeling of the burden of employing
someone. The paperwork was stressful (we did both under and
over the table), negotiating vacation, sick time, etc.. it is
the ''not-so-perfect'' part of that childcare choice. So, if you
want reassurance that what you are going thru is normal, I can
say I completely relate. That said, I am grateful for the care
and love that our nanny gave to our kids, especially when they
were so young (you do not say how old your child is). We would
not do things differently because nothing's perfect, and if we
had to deal with a daycare situation, we would have had to stay
home when our child was sick (which in daycare is A LOT), our
kids would likely have cried a lot more being rushed out of the
house to get to daycare and being left there and instead they
were in their comfort zone of their own house and had a nanny
they loved and had their ''nanny-share friends'' come over to
play. If you are having trouble communicating with your nanny,
that can snowball into bigger issues, so make every attempt now
to clear things up-- we had a notebook where we wrote down
expectations and questions so we could communicate (both with
the nanny and with other families) there sometimes when face-to-
face didn't work or was too rushed (like drop-of and pick-up).
Our nanny also used it to keep her daily schedule up to date for
us. We also had a checklist for eating and naptime which we
wanted to know about and our nanny could easily check stuff off
during the day so she didn't have to remember the details for
each child when we asked-- for me anyway that kind of stuff is
hard to remember when days start to run into each other. So
whatever issue you are having trouble communicating on, if you
really want it to work, think of things that might make it
easier for the nanny to communicate with you. Good luck.
luisa
your post did not say how old your child is. i found that when
my daughter was an infant and young toddler, having a nanny was
invaluable - lots of great attention on her that really helped
her be a happy and balanced little person. and while it is a
lot of work to have an employee, i always reminded myself how
the time spent handling that was time i did not have to spend
getting my child to a program on time, looking for a sitter for
after school hours, etc. it's not easy but it can be great -
so long as you communicate regularly and openly. your post
didn't say why communication is difficult with your nanny -
personality? language barrier? whatever it is, work on it and
your day to day stress level will get much lower. back to the
age thing - as my child has gotten older, she's doing a share
and next year she'll be going to preschool. i think the 'ideal'
for each child and family varies as the years go on.
good luck
If you are not really happy with your childcare situation, then
of course you should look into other arrangements! But the
question isn't really nanny share vs. daycare, it's THIS nanny
share vs. some other nanny and/or some other share partner vs. a
non-shared nanny vs. home-based daycare vs. daycare center etc.
etc. etc.
We entered into a nanny share arrangement with really very
little planning and without a great deal of ''comparison
shopping'' when my son was 6 months old. We got lucky; the whole
thing worked beautifully for years and the two babies became
kids who entered the same preschool at the same time and
continued to share the same nanny part time. And we're now re-
hiring the same nanny (though with a different share partner)
for our second baby. Now, I won't say the situation
was ''perfect'' -- I doubt there is such a thing. But despite
some differences in parenting style we got along well enough
with the other family, and continue to swap babysitting
sometimes with them. And despite a bit of a language barrier,
we trusted our nanny and didn't have too much trouble
communicating with her -- and she was amazingly reliable and,
well, uncomplicated to deal with, which I gather isn't always
the case. I find that the ''management'' stuff is much more
difficult now that our son is in preschool than it ever was with
the nanny arrangement, but others have a different experience,
and I'm sure it varies among individual situations far more than
it does between types of situation, if you see what I mean.
So listen to your gut. Be glad that you've got your child in a
situation where he is safe and happy so that you can take your
time exploring possible alternatives. You may find that in
fact, what you have is the best available option, and rest
easy. Or you might find something that works much better for
you, and take it. Just be sure to give the nanny and the share
family reasonable notice before departing, and be fair about
things like the nanny's final paycheck.
Fan of nanny shares
For the first year of life it is widely held (from good
research) that one on one care is preferred. It is less clear
from 1 year on what might be best. Temperament and financial
means are critical decision makers thereafter. The advantages
of the nanny/share are not having to get the child out the door
too early, maybe fewer days of illness, more one on one, less
chaos in the child's environment. This can cost about $1000
per month (sharing)- don't know equivalent for daycare. I did
share from 1-3 years and then went total preschool and now
doing preschool plus nanny (to have less preschool). I would
definitely do nanny share again even with the hassles, as it
worked out not to be too strenuous.
Anon
I would have posted earlier, but thought more folks would extol the
virtues of nanny share. For the record, we have thoroughly enjoyed the
nanny share experience in large part for all the same reasons folks
came down either on the side of day care or of a single nanny. First,
nanny-management is not a problem for us because three families have
responsibility for how the day is spent instead of one (and then there's
the fact that we have the perfect childcare provider). That has translated
into a day that is full of things we might not have thought of and no
''tension'' with issues we're uncomfortable with. Our shared experiences
allow us to temper our concerns with a dose of reality. Second, our child
gets the social interaction of being in a daycare situation with the
personal attention of being with one care provided. As a result, we think
he's a more socialized child and we feel that he's being given
personalized attention that he wouldn't have in a day care. Third, we
are not sick all the time. While it is inevitable that children will infect
each other (and to some extent that helps to build their immune system),
there are few enough of us that we can establish our own guidelines
about when a runny nose means your kid should stay home, and when
it's OK to put him in the share. In the day care situation, we learned from
friends that some parents, eager to get to work, will pump their sick child
up with Tylenol and dump him off before his nose starts to ooze again;
as a result, the kids and the parents are sick for like, 3 years, since
there's always some icky virus running around. If a kid isn't sneezing on
your kid, he's sneezing on the squeaky toy your kid will pick up in 2
minutes. Don't get me wrong; we love the concept of group care and the
daycare model appeals to us, generally. Similarly, the idea of one-on-
one care (tempered with some social interaction) is somethng in which
we also can see great value. That said, having done the nanny share,
were we to have a second child, we wouldn't go any other way.
--Tsan
Didn't see the original post...but here's my two cents on the
nanny vs. daycare. There are pros and cons to both... but for
me...I guess I like the idea of someone watching the watchers.
My gut was reinforced the other day when I was picking up my
child at daycare and witnessed a nanny leave two pre-school age
kids in her car for 20 minutes while she was picking up her own
child at day care (and hanging out in the center).
anon
Aug 2002
I am about to enroll my 2 year old daughter in a daycare
center, two days a week. But I feel very torn about letting the
baby-sitter go. She took care of her at our house for almost
two years. I am worried about my daughter loosing the
one-to-one contact with her, but in the other hand I feel she
needs more contact with other children and a more
structured/stimulating enviroment. Other reasons for the
change are economical and I need more time home alone
to work. One moment I feel I am doing the right thing, one
moment later I feel I am being selfish. I would love to hear
from other parents that felt the same way. Thank you!
anonymous
Just two thoughts (1) she will have to give up her babysitter at
some point and I think kids this age adjust pretty quickly and
(2) no reason she has to give up all contact because you could
still use the babysitter for occasional nights/weekends. And
one piece of advice -- trust your instincts. You know what is
best for your child and for you.
Stephanie
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