Child's Trouble Adjusting to Nanny
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Child's Trouble Adjusting to Nanny
Child Not Adjusting to Nanny Share
I'm starting work again (as a GSI), so my five-month-old is starting
childcare. We're in a share-care situation; the other baby is a year old,
and I take my daughter over to the other family's house. But after two weeks
of going every other day, my daughter is still not used to the nanny. Not at
all, it seems. She fusses if the nanny holds her (even when I'm there),
fights taking a bottle (even though she takes one at home) and spends enough
time crying that she more or less monopolizes the nanny's attention. So my
question for you more experienced parents out there is: how long should I
expect it to take for her to get used to her new caregiver? Is she taking an
unusually long time, or am I being unrealistic to expect her to adjust so
soon? I would particularly appreciate input from people whose children
started childcare at a similar age. Thanks.
In response to the parent who is concerned with leaving her little one
at a family's house every other day, don't worry! I had my son when I
was still in school during my undergrad, and I was lucky to have a
friend available and willing to take care of him at her home while I
was in class. She lived near campus and was really excited to see him
for me. For weeks my son cried non-stop. He would only stop when I
stopped by in between breaks and after class. At first I was worried
and concerned that maybe something bad was going on, but then I
realized that was not the case. Since my schedule was so sporadic with
classes and meetings and such, I was not taking him there every day at
the same time and for the same amount of time. Therefore, I was
impossible for him to adjust. He was only two months when I did this
by the way, and in not keeping him on a "schedule" I was making it
more difficult for him to adjust. Give it a couple more weeks. If it
still continues, then maybe you may want to consider going to the
house and staying there with her for a couple of hours if you have
time. Sometimes when a child notices that his/her parent feels
comfortable and likes their childcare, they also feel safe there as
well. I hope this helps! Monica
This month I started dropping my 8 month-old daughter
off with a nanny 3-4 hours one day a week. I'm doing
this so that I can get a little break, and she can get
used to being cared for by someone else. The grandmas
have not been available to do this for us, so she only
knows me and my husband.
We expected some stress for her during the adjustment
period, but today one of the neighbors came over and said
that they were concerned because they heard a baby
crying loudly for a long time. Our girl is, according to
Dr. Sears' book, a 'high need child' (this doesn't mean a
child with special needs, but rather an active, sensitive
child with the kind of temperment that needs lots of
personal contact). One of the traits is that they don't
do well with alternative care. I do not want to give up my
much-needed 4 hour break, and I want my child to get used to
being without me for a little bit, so I need to find a solution.
Has anyone dealt with having a 'high-need child' and getting
them used to being left with a non-parent for care? Should I
drop her off more frequently to get her used to it? I feel
confident that our experienced nanny and mother of 6 is doing
her best to try to meet my child's needs. She says she holds
her or wears her the whole time, she takes her on walks, and
she always reports back saying my child fussed a lot so I
know she's not trying to hide anything from me. Any positive
feedback on this subject is welcome. Thank you!
Angela
My baby is more the low needs type, but definitely had
separation anxiety (which comes and goes, happily it's at a
low point right now). He's had other babies share his
nanny, and my tips are also based on seeing what the other
parents/babies have gone through.
You said you're dropping your daughter off one day per week
for 3-4 hours - my number one suggestion would be to try
increasing the frequency. One day per week might not be often
enough for her to get used to the situation. I'm not an
expert but babies don't have very much "long-term" memory at
this stage, from what I understand. I don't think you should
go much shorter than 3-4 hours, either, because otherwise by the
time she gets settled in and relaxed, you'll be picking her up
again, although I'm not totally sure about that. You didn't say
what time of day you're doing this - from what I've seen, morning
is usually best.
Second, if she has some kind of comfort object, even if you've
previously restricted it to bedtime, I'd suggest letting her
use it. Using his comfort blankie (which is normally confined
to the crib) really helped my baby when I had to take him to
emergency daycare when his nanny was sick.
Third (along the same lines) I would also let the nanny be a
lot more permissive about snack treats. A well-timed graham
cracker can make anyone feel better and I personally don't think
this will cause a lifetime of eating disorders.
Fourth, music is a big help. My baby loves his 17-year old
half-sister who babysits for him occasionally, and she always
uses music to get him past the first few minutes of distress when
we walk out the door.
Lastly, I've noticed that if the actual departure takes place
when you are both of out of doors, for some reason, the panic
level is much lower. I have no idea why!!
I think it is a really good sign, as you say, that the nanny
is being open about your baby's difficulties. She can and will
do better, and it's really good for both of you that she learns
to trust other caregivers. Also, keep in mind that what sounded
to the well-intentioned neighbor like crying for a "long time"
could easily have been 10 or 20 minutes.
Good luck - and the usual "hang in there"!
Fran
I don't have experience with high needs children, but here's
my two cents: maybe you could leave your daughter with the
nanny two (or even three) times a week for shorter periods, of
an hour and a half or two hours. Maybe one of those times could
be with you and the nanny for a few months (if this is affordable!).
The routine of seeing the nanny more often would probably help
to show her that this second care giver is a stable, recurring
presence. Once a week may be too infrequent for a child of
that age--or any age under two or so--to adjust to a new caregiver.
Good luck!
Jessica
Hi, I remember when my nanny called me at work from her home
and held the phone up into the air so that I could hear my baby
HOWLING in the background. This was about her third day with
the nanny and even when I left in the morning I saw what I took
to be a look of panic on my daughter's face. I left work
immediately and drove the 10-15 minutes to where they were. Then
I stayed to hold my daughter. I stayed an hour or two, and part
of that time my nanny and I just put our heads together and both
of us looked at my daughter, smiling. I told the baby that it
was OK, that this was someone I knew and trusted, etc. etc. Of
course she didn't understand my words then, but it seemed that she
got the idea! The baby calmed down immediately, and it lasted.
We never had those crying fits or panicked looks again.
So my suggestion is to spend some time together, both you and
the nanny. Perhaps that will help make it seem that she is also
part of the circle of caring people around your child.
Bonnie
Perhaps you could try having the same sitter come over to
your house each day for an hour for a few days so your child
can really get used to her and remember her. If your baby goes
a whole week in between visits from the sitter, she may not
remember her and will have to get accustomed to her all over
again. This will most likely get better as your daughter gets
older. Hope this is helpful, and good luck!
Hi.....even though this temporarily defeats your
purpose of getting a break, I'd stay with your nanny
and child next time for say the first 3 hours and just
all play together.....or walk together (maybe first
with you wearing her and then switch to the nanny
wearing her)..... Show your child how you interact
pleasantly with the nanny so that your child can begin
to trust who she is with. Then leave for only the
last hour. The second week, do the same, but stay for
only 2 hours and then leave.....etc. etc. Perhaps
this will ease the transition for your child.....don't
forget....she doesn't understand what is going on and
only knows you and your husband.....so it just takes a
bit of time and paitence and you should be able to
have your well needed breaks soon. Good luck!
My son (now 27 months) has been in full time day care since
3.5 months. He is not a high need baby, but 8 months to one
year was the worst time for separation anxiety. This was common
with most of the babies in his daycare. This is the time when
they are realizing that Mom is different from everybody else.
Before 7 or 8 months, almost anyone could hold and cuddle my
son, but that all stopped! So, I think this is, in general, a
hard time for daycare, whether it be just starting, or
continuing (although at our daycare the babys who started at
this age did have a little harder time that ones who had been in
for longer). I had trouble everyday, and my son was already used
to everyone at his daycare. Here are some tips: My son
had (and still has) much less trouble separating from my
husband than from me. So, he could go from me, to my husband,
who would take him to daycare. Also, if I was dropping off, it
made me feel better to hang around until I knew he was OK.
Usually, he would stop crying/clinging within 10 to 40 minutes.
I saw several kids who would be crying for their Mom everyday at this
age for a long time after Mom left, so I felt it was important to
let my son know I would stay as long as he wanted me too. This
is all gut feeling though- who know what is really best for the
child? Those baby's that cried at 8-12 months are perfectly
delightlful little fun-loving kids now that can't get to daycare
fast enough and never want to go home! If this helps, it is
MUCH easier now to drop off my son at daycare now. Now at
27 months, he says "bye", and waves pretty much as soon as we
get there.
It is hard to get him in the car after daycare, because he and
all his little friends want to play longer together. It gets
easier. Good luck.
Also, about your baby being a high need baby, there is a local
group who has a web site that can give you a temperment profile
of your baby. Then if you like, there is a councelor that you
can call and she will give over the phone counselling for about
$60.00 an hour. You may know of this, and I got the information
from this newsletter so it may be on the UCParnets web site.
This helped me understand my child a little better. Especially
since he is my only child, I thought he was much more intense
than he really is in relation to other babys. I do not mean to
question your diagnosis of your high need baby, but it was helpful
to me to know where my baby was, tempermentally, in relation to
others. If you would like more information, I can dig up the info.
I have used the counsellor and found her really helpful.
Good luck
Lisa
Our now 2-year old reacted to new people similarly to what
you describe, and was also a "high needs" baby (he had a hard
time with strangers holding him at five weeks!). If you can
invest the time to help your daughter transition into getting
to know this babysitter, you may find it becomes much easier on
her without her having to cry so much. I spent weeks with my
son and a friend who babysat for us (for pay) one to two mornings
a week for several months, and it really paid off. My son grew
to love her, and now, though she hasn't babysat for us in almost
a year, he still loves to see her and talks about missing her.
On a different note, we realized quite early on that he had very
strong feelings about people and that his feelings were not
always the same as our feelings, so you may want to check whether
your daughter has a particularly hard time with this woman even
though you trust her. Though she really sounds attentive and
thoughtful, she may just not be the right match.
Inbal
10-month-old Crying with Nanny
My 10-month old daughter is a happy, funny, bright baby...except
on Thursdays when I leave her with the nanny while I am at work. She
has cried and screamed for over 30 minutes at a time, several times
for the past 2 days she has spent there. Today was so bad that the
nanny called me at work to say she just can't take it anymore. She
doesn't want to continue taking care of my daughter.
I am (was) in a nannny share situation. I'd take her to the other
baby's house on Thursdays, and the nanny and other baby came to my
home on Fridays. (I work from home on Fridays so I can be near my daughter). But this morning
(before she quit) the nanny practically refused to come to my house anymore because she thought
my daughter
got too fussy when she saw me(!). In fact, if I go play with her for
2 minutes and leave her with a toy and return to my work, she is fine.
I have seen the nanny with my daughter and she seems to be very
kind, gentle and loving. The only thing I did not agree with her on
is she asked me to bring my daughter to the other baby's house both
days. I really want my daughter to be able to be in her own home
on Fridays, and I would like to be near her, so I wouldn't agree to
both days at the other house.
Is it normal for babies to go through this type of thing at 10 months?
If so, one would think the nanny could handle it. I would say it is
a simple case of seperation anxiety, but my daughter never cries with
my relatives or neighbors when they babysit, even for long periods
of time.
Now that I am left with no childcare for 2 days a week, I am unsure
what to do. I am afraid of this happening all over again, and I don't
want to have to keep getting new people. I am seriously considering
trying to work part-time and take care of her myself the two days.
Any advice would be helpful.
angelica
Our now 2-year old reacted to new people similarly to what
you describe, and was also a "high needs" baby (he had a hard
time with strangers holding him at five weeks!). If you can
invest the time to help your daughter transition into getting
to know this babysitter, you may find it becomes much easier on
her without her having to cry so much. I spent weeks with my
son and a friend who babysat for us (for pay) one to two mornings
a week for several months, and it really paid off. My son grew
to love her, and now, though she hasn't babysat for us in almost
a year, he still loves to see her and talks about missing her.
On a different note, we realized quite early on that he had very
strong feelings about people and that his feelings were not
always the same as our feelings, so you may want to check whether
your daughter has a particularly hard time with this woman even
though you trust her. Though she really sounds attentive and
thoughtful, she may just not be the right match.
I feel great sympathy for you! I had two caregivers quit because my
younger son cried endlessly. Finally, with the third caregiver, he
jumped right in and never cried a tear. So one of my feelings about
separation anxiety is that it's developmental, and when a child feels
secure and ready, it will melt away.
But here are a few additional suggestions. My children both did much
better when they went out for stroller rides with their caregivers. I
would walk half a block with thenm and then say good-bye. They might
cry, but there were so many distractions that they quickly got taken up
in the joys of the ride. Secondly, have a very clear and predictable
routine helped. For instance, maybe your daughter is anxious because
one day she is at home and near you and the other day, she is not home
and you are gone. With my older son, I finally established that he
would ALWAYS go on a walk in the stroller and return to the house where
I was working. With my second son, I found that it worked best if I
ALWAYS dropped him off at the caregiver's home. Good luck to you; I know
this is stressful.
Elizabeth
I nannied for another family, and their child had some separation
anxiety. The child did much better when the parents were out of
the house. When one parent tried to work in a home office, the child
would hear a familiar voice and would get hysterical and cry outside
the door until he was let in. I didn't object to the crying, but I
did feel sorry for the baby...after all, he could not understand
why his parent would not pay attention to him. To the child, this
must not have made much sense.
I suspect that your nanny believes that your child needs to "get
over" some of her separation anxiety by learning to be away from
you. It sounds like you might have some other issues with the nanny
now that she has become so frustrated, so perhaps she is not the one
you should continue working with. But I do think that it can be
much harder on a child to make repeated separations from a parent
during the same day. Perhaps your daughter has bouts of crying
during her time with the nanny because she has come to expect you
to appear from time to time?
I am having the exact same problem with many of the same outcomes
as you:
Nanny turnover
Crying
etc.
My 18 mo old son has gone thru 2 childcare providers. This last
one lasted for 5 weeks. I have questioned their skills, my choices
etc. Finally I really believe that my son just needs to be with me
a little longer. He is able to be happy with his dad, our neighbors
and his aunt and uncle. I am thinking that in order to have a child
care situation work I will need to invest a lot of time where I am
with him and the sitter. I know this is frustrating for the sitter
though, but I think it is the only way around it. One other thought
I've had is to choose someone who is a parent. Parents seem to get
less ruffled by the crying and I know my son feeds off of others
anxiety or frustration. Good luck.
It sounds like you're working at home, is that the case?
I worked at home part time off and on the first 3 years of my
daughter's life and found that having consistency as much as
possible--one nanny who came to the house and cared for only my
child was best. I think it's very normal for babies to have this
anixiety but more so when they have one day here and another there.
I also found that if I spent some time up front the first few times
with the babysitter and my daughter just hanging out with them then
she adjusted better--go to the park together, etc. Just invest some
time so your daughter knows that you know and trust this person and
you're not just handing her off.
When she was a little older--2-3 and I lost a babysitter I did a
share with a friend from my playgroup whose babysitter would take
the kids out to the park in the morning then back to my friends house
for lunch and nap. That worked out because they played well together
and my daughter liked this nanny. But I did spend some time with them
up front to get her comfortable.
If you have to leave her to go to an office that can be harder.
But again, I found with a long-term nanny that my daughter grew to
know and love it was ok when I left. We had a few and the last one
we still use one day a week as a share with her new family because
my daughter is now 4 and goes to school 3 days a week.
I have to say though, that a good nanny, that is one with exp and one
that loves kids will know how to deal with this. If she can't handle
it I would find someone who will work with you.
Good Luck, I know how hard this is, trying to work and make sure
you're child is with someone they feel secure with.
Pat
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