Concerned about some of my daycare's practices with infants

My infant recently started at a highly recommended large family daycare. I've seen a few things that have raised some flags, and I'm hoping that some parents with daycare experience can give me some perspective. The issues include baby napping on her stomach with blankets, napping on an adult bed, taking only one nap per day because she ''refused to go to sleep,'' and microwaving bottles. I've already addressed the stomach sleeping issue, but how would you handle this? I really like the people and want to make it work, and I understand that concessions have to be made in a daycare setting. Is it worth talking to them about all of this, should I look elsewhere for child care, or should I expect these types of issues at all family daycares? Thanks! Anonymous

I am certainly not an expert, but I definitely have experience in this. I think you should go with what you know is right and what isn't. I have been swayed by other's opinions about a daycare just to find out that I thought that they were actually not good at all. That doesn't mean that the other parents are out to lunch. Their priorities are just different from yours.

Only you can decide whether it is okay to continue with this daycare or not. Obviously, your standards are quite different from theirs. Will a conversations about the issues actually change their standards?

I know how you must feel right now, 'cause I have felt that way also in the past. It's so frustrating and a real problem. I have always confronted the daycare provider with the issues that I saw and they were eventually never resolved. In the end, I pulled my child and ALWAYS found a daycare that was a much better fit for me and my child.

Hang in there! joj

Bottom line: It is NOT inappropriate for you to expect that your child's basic needs are met, so don't hesitate to express your concerns in a respectful way. You also might offer them resources to help them learn how to do manage things like napping in a busy family child care environment. For example, you could refer them to their local Resource and Referral agency for free child care trainings. (Bananas, for the Oakland/Berkeley area, has LOTS of trainings for child care providers.) Family child care is very hard work, and sometimes providers just need support in figuring out how to manage it all. However, if your provider won't work with you, look elsewhere. ECE Professional

Is this common practice, or should I expect something different?

My 9-month old daughter started daycare when she was about 5 months old. She seems to have adjusted well. I don't know if some of the issues I've had are common - and should be expected, if not tolerated - or if I should say something and expect something different. I don't want to be unreasonable, but yet I feel I should do everything in my power to make sure my daughter's daycare experience is a positive, safe, and healthy one. I apologize for the length of this, but would appreciate your feedback and experience on the following:

1) Diapers - It's not uncommon for me to pick her up and find she has a soiled diaper that seems to have been that way for more than a couple hours, and/or horrible diaper rash that was not there before. The policy for this daycare is to check diapers every 2 hours. I don't know that the caretakers stick to this schedule. My daughter was treated for a UTI not long ago, which the Dr. indicated could be a diaper changing issue. I also notice on occasion that her bum is not completely wiped clean.

2) Environment - My daughter is a happy, energetic, engaged, playful, and curious baby when she's at home with us, but appears to be on the reserved (yet observant) side when at daycare. I am wondering if this is not unusual. I understand there may just be too much stimulation so she decides to sit back and observe. But I am hoping the noise and ''activity'' level are not stressful for her.

3)Sick/coughing caretakers - On more than a few occasions, a caretaker has gone to work sick. I asked a caretaker how she was feeling after she'd been out, and she told me she was feeling feverish but hadn't yet called the doctor. I realize that the caretakers probably don't get paid if they are out sick, and the daycare center may have few back-up providers. However, is it unreasonable to expect caretakers who are coughing, sneezing, have fevers, etc., to stay home until their symptoms are gone, or at least a practice that requires such caretakers to stay home?

4)Lost items - clothes, blankets, pacifiers, bottles, etc. - On occasion, my daughter's belongings have been lost or misplaced. One day I picked her up and she had another baby's pacifier in her mouth. Is it unreasonable to expect a system to limit these kinds of mix-ups? Another parent had shared with me once that her son came home with some other boy's shoes and she was not happy. Thank you for your thoughts! In Need of Reality Check

Yes, it is unreasonable to have a sick, feverish person caring for your child. I understand it's a tough situation, but what you described is unacceptable.

Lost or misplaced items is a common problem in group care. The best way to minimize the problem is for parents to label everything possible. Go crazy with the sharpie (even pacifiers) Even so, sometimes a parent or provider will grab the wrong sweater or jacket. In the case of shoes, they must have been very similar for the parent not to notice. There really isn't a fool proof method, but compared to dirty bottoms and sick providers, this is small potatoes. Oakland day care provider

Is this day care licensed? Are there certain rules a licensed day care needs to follow? Like changing dirty diapers on a regular basis? not having sick employees come to work? etc. I would be alarmed with the things you mention too. If I were you, I would look for a more hygenic daycare for your child, and ask about all these issues during the interview process. distressed about day care

I suggest you switch to a better daycare. Your #2 especially makes me sad. My children came home from daycare happy and excited about their day. It sounds like the director of your daycare does not have high enough standards, may not be paying the staff enough if they are encouraged to come to work sick, or may not be hiring enough staff in order to squeeze a bit more profit out of the operation.

It doesn't have to be this way! With the tough economy, there are many great daycares and nannies looking for kids to take care of. It's a buyer's market these days. I'd suggest you interview a few other places. Good luck!

Ask for a meeting with your daughter's caregiver. You have the right to bring up these issues, and the best person to bring these concerns to is your daughter's teacher. If then the issues are not corrected, ask for a meeting with the teacher and the next person in charge. Lyn

I also have real issues with sick providers and your daughter hanging back after 4 months in care. Anon

1) Diapers - keep on them about this. At your next dropoff, ask for more specifics about the diaper changing schedule, and let them know that your ped indicated that your baby's diaper must be changed more often. (Even if this isn't *exactly* how the dr put it, it will help you feel better about not being a ''complainer'' if you can attribute it to the dr.)

2) Environment - I think this is a pretty normal behavioral difference between social and home environments. Kids are at their most relaxed and uninhibited when at home with their parents. I would say keep an eye on this but don't stress about it unless she seems really unhappy at daycare rather than just observant.

3) Sick caretakers - this is a problem and I understand your concern. Your caregivers may not have paid sick days or health insurance, and may be sick many days out of each month given that they work w/kids. This is a difficult problem to solve, but you might start with a conversation with the caregiver/director about the staff's sick leave policy, whether they have enough backup to cover an absent staff member, etc. Their awareness of your concern is at least a starting point.

4) Lost items - this is a problem at every daycare I've been involved with. It takes real conscientiousness on the caregivers part to keep track of all the clothing and accessories, and some do it better than others. Here are some things you can do: ask about their policies/procedures for getting discarded items back to the right cubbies, etc. Let them know that it's been a problem for you. Also, label obsessively if don't already. Last, get to know the other parents so you can ask them directly about whether anyone has seen your lost hat, etc. Parent email lists are SO helpful in daycare. My daycare NOW does a pretty good job with keeping track of stuff (after complaints), but every so often we bring back a piece of misplaced clothing or a lunch container. Not a big deal b/c we know the other parents are returning our stuff too. daycare veteran

In my experience, if you think your daycare is not the best for your child; then its probably worse than you think. It is a natural tendency to say ''all is well'' when its not; because if its not you may feel like a bad parent and now have to search for a new daycare and re-adjust your child to a new place.

Although this wil be hard, sounds like this must be done. How can someone care for your child when they are sick? AA

1. I NEVER found either child in a soiled diaper. On a couple of occasions they were being changed as I arrived as they had just ''soiled.'' While I am sure they had a changing routine as I have seen the kids line up for new diapers, they also change ''on demand'' through out the day as the child needs one. Never a dirty bum and I was the one embarrassed if my child had diaper rash...it would have been me who left the diaper on too long on the weekend (but neither child had it more than a couple of times and never badly)

2. Our daycare provider was extremely organized (each child had a drawer, a regular crib to nap in, etc.) and never lost a thing over the 5 years.

3. The 3 care providers are regulars and once I think she brought in someone she has on call in case one of the 3 is sick.

4. All the children always seemed busy and happy (other than when they were eating which is the cutest affair where they all eat together at little tables). They did regular art, sang songs, had music on for dancing, someone in to play guitar, etc.

I am so hopeful that ours was the norm and that yours is not so that you can find a wonderful place too. Hopeful

It's just unacceptable for a baby to be sitting in her own poop for more than a few minutes, and diaper rashes should be a rare occurrence. Most daycares make sure to change the kids right before pickup because they know the parents don't want to see their kid in a full diaper; if they can't get it together at your place to do this, then that's a major warning sign. I don't think it's unrealistic to expect a caretaker with a cough to wear a mask, especially this winter. If my kids have a fever, they get sent home; the policy should be the same for the staff. And if I found my kid chewing on another baby's pacifier, I would flip out! My current daycare uses an erasable pen to label all of the kids' stuff - bottles, pacifiers, food jars, chewing toys - and there are no germ- transmitting mix-ups. (My daughter occasionally comes home with someone else's socks on, but I can live with that.)

You didn't say in your post, but if you're using a larger daycare facility, you might want to consider a small home daycare with less than 10 children. Your daughter might not be so overwhelmed and shy at a small place, she'd get more attention, and the caretakers can stay on top of hygeine issues. You definitely can find a daycare that does an excellent job eliminating all the issues you bring up. Good luck! Kristine

I do think it is not okay for your child to be sitting in soiled diapers for hours at a time. I normally do diaper changes every couple of hours as well. Of course if a diaper is super soggy or poopy, I change it as it needs to be changed. No need to wait until a ''scheduled'' changing time. I do one last change around 4 pm.(I close at 5:30) Once again, if a child needs to be changed between then and closing, I change it. Provides should also be applying diaper cream as needed and wiping properly.

It can be common for children to act differently at daycare than they do at home. She could be just taking it all in as there is normally a lot going on at daycare. Especially if you have her in a larger daycare. She is also young, and will most likely begin to interact more as she grows. As far as being sick, I have a general rule, for kids and myself a like. If you have a cold, go a head and come. It is almost impossible to keep colds out of daycare/preschool situations. If there is a fever involved, stay home. If you are not sure about symptoms, a call to the director should be expected to check in. Since I work alone, I try not to close, but if I am at risk of making the kids sick I will do so.

Lost items here and there are to be expected. I would suggest not sending your child in things that are very special to you. It may also help to label your child's things with a fabric marker. I provide all pacifiers and bottles, sippy cups ect. That way I don't have to worry about which belongs to who. If it is something like a blanket and snuggly for sleeping, putting it in the child's crib at the beginning of the day and placing it in cubbies at the end can be helpful. Hope this helps, but overall you should feel comfortable with your child's daycare situation. I would talk to the director, as communication between provider and parent is very important. daycare provider

510-622-2602

They should be able to tell you what are the standards are and help you work with your daycare to improve things. ALso, here's a national website and number: http://www.healthykids.us/ 1-800-598-KIDS(5437) (The woman at this number was extremely nice and eager to help when I called them.)

Here are a few of my own thoughts:

1) Diapers -- I think this is unreasonable. A poopy diaper should not go 2 hours (or more) before being changed. That would definitely cause a diaper rash for many babies and that would unacceptable to me.

3) NO WAY! The workers should never be feverish on the job, but especially with the H1N1 (swine) flu going around. Those babies are at highest risk. You can check the CDC guidelines, but I believe they say no one should return to work until they are fever-free for 24 hours, and not for a week from onset of a flu-like illness.

4) Clothes and pacifiers should not be exchanged! They should be labeled (a sharpie usually works) and kept to the right kid!

I'm glad you're questioning these practices. They don't seem at all right to me!! I hope you will pursue them with your daycare. Good luck! L

1. Checking every two hours seems pretty standard. I'm not sure what you mean by soiled but if it's poop you of course don't want it sitting there long. It's reasonable to request increased vigilance -- and better care in terms of wiping -- on the part of the caretakers. We've done this before with our daycare teachers and they've always readily honored our request. Enlist the doctor's concern to help bolster your conversation. Our experience with diaper rash is that it happens occasionally. Sometimes our daughter has a ''stealth poo'' and it doesn't get caught for a while. She develops a rash, sometimes a big one, but the teachers are always concerned about it, bring it to my attention and we all work diligently with diaper cream to get rid of it.

2. I think she's just taking in all the activity. I wouldn't worry. As she grows older, she'll probably feel more confident in participating. For my daughter, the activity around her was one of her favorite parts. She loved watching older kids and what they did. I'm sure she was just storing up all this information for when she could try it herself.

3. Uh, yeah, sick caretakers should stay home. I'd speak to the director about this. It's a serious concern.

4. I agree, it's annoying these lost, mixed up items. I've learned to relax a little about this. I know, it's hard. I label as much as I can. I try not to send super nice clothing to daycare. I closely monitor my daughter's bin to see what's there, what's missing. I, too, have picked up my daughter only to see her with someone else's pacifier. I was told she loves swiping others' pacis and putting them in her mouth. Could this be happening with your daughter? Just emphasize your concern, you don't want to be sharing germs, the teachers need to catch this. Communicate, communicate. I agree daycare is a little more chaotic, but it has some very positive benefits. A good daycare will listen to your concerns and work with you to find a solution. anon

Generally, from your description, I would recommend you start looking for another daycare provider. My 13-month old has been with a small family day care (3-4 kids all under 2 years, 2 to 3 workers) since he was two- and-a- half months old. I'm pleased with the daycare.

1. Diapers - From what you describe, this does not seem appropriate. Only on a few occasions has my son come home with a wet diaper, and never with a poopy diaper. When it's wet it's not very wet. He's only had one bout of diaper rash--related to starting cows milk. I don' think they have a 2-hour rule, but rather change the diaper when it's wet or dirty.

2.Environment- I think you need to use your best judgement here--you know your daughter best. My son loves daycare. He reaches out to be held by the main caregiver when I drop him off, and hugs and kisses her. At the end of the day, he's tired, but his usual self. The caregivers are observant and receptive enough to realize what he likes (throwing balls, dogs, eating) and what he needs (alone time to play by himself). Perhaps your daughter needs some alone time while at daycare?

3. Sick/coughing caregivers. Sick workers, and certainly feverish workers, should not be around the kids. This has not been a problem for us, but let me relay a story which exemplifies what I consider responsible behavior. This spring, a family member of one of the part-time workers at my daycare was hospitalized with the flu. As soon as the provider found out, she sent the worker home, despite the fact that the worker was not sick. We were told that day when we came to pick up our kids. The worker didn't come back until after it was clear she didn't get the flu.

4.Lost Items--I wouldn't be too worried abou this, as long as you eventually get your things back. My son comes home with other kids' socks/clothes occasionally, but this doesn't bother me. I wash them and return them. We've never had pacifiers, bottles, blankets, or anything else missing.

If you are considering changing providers, email me and I can give you info for my provider. I think she has a full- time spot to fill, though she may be looking for an older child. lauren

1) Talk to them about your concerns about diapering. My colleagues and I dropped the ball on the diaper issue for a period of time - primarily during staff change over (there is a morning and evening staff). One parent, mentioned their concern, we changed our 'turnover' procedures, and the problem ended. Not cleaning well enough...yuck. we don't have that problem. A friendly comment about your observation should be enough.

2) Daycare can be overstimulating for little ones. My personal opinion -- if you can hire a nanny or nanny-share until your child is 2 or 2 1/2, it is a far better situation than daycare. After that, preschool or daycare complemented with a nanny or nanny-share is preferable in my view. We love our charges. They are hugged, held, played with, etc. But we are 2 on 12 to 16...not 1 on 2 or 3. Mental downtime isn't as 'do-able' in a daycare.

3) Yup. This happens. At our daycare, we have two on-call subs and a very flexible staff. No one (except the owner and director) is full time. We are always willing to cover for someone. But, probably, every other week, a staff member ends up working with 'something,' because there just isn't anyone who can take. What really is the other option? Call you and tell you that you can't bring your child in because you can't come up with the requisite number of care-givers to maintain state ratios?

4) Send in everything to the daycare labeled. Mention that you have sent in everything labeled (even the pacifier) so that it doesn't get mixed up with any other child's belongings. I amazed at how many parents do not label what they send into daycare. Regardless, mix-ups do happen. A Kid doesn't care if a binky belongs to her or not...if she finds one on the floor, what is to stop her from popping it in her mouth? We usually catch it, but not instantly. I may be changing a diaper while the other staff person is reading a story. Five minutes (or ten) later, one of us will notice that the wrong pacifier is in the wrong mouth.

Do talk to your caregivers. Treat them like any colleague at work with whom you collaborate on a project (because, that is what they are doing - collaborating with you to raise your child). If at least the diapering situation doesn't change, then I would look somewhere else. -anon

If you mean poop in her diaper that's clearly been sitting there, they should change when they notice it regardless of their schedule (there were times when she was perfectly wiped, but nothing dramatic). If you mean pee, its hard to evaluate. Our school actually recorded (for themselves) all their changes so they could keep track, and I was in the class a lot and could see that they had a clear schedule so it was just impossible that kids weren't getting changed regularly. It sounds like a possibly a problem from what you wrote.

Ours is a big daycare so there is paid sick leave and I think our caretakers follow the same rules as the kids in terms of coming to school sick, so they wouldn't come if they were feverish but would if they had one of the many colds that go around making them cough and sniffle. That said, I would note that someone who has just started working with kids will be sick ALL THE TIME until they pick up immunities (its a common phenonomena) which could make them feel that it might endanger their job, so maybe there is something of that kind going on if its a particular caregiver. But the daycare should still take care that it doesn't happen. anon

While I don't want you to panic over this, these issues are serious cause for alarm. It is beyond inappropriate -- and indeed a serious health risk and severe lack of responsible care -- that your daughter sits in a soiled diaper. Once or twice could be understandable, but severe diaper rash? UTIs? The fact that this happens frequently? Totally unacceptable.

Furthermore, after four months in the same environment, it's surprising to me that your daughter is exhibiting marked personality differences between home and daycare... Perhaps she is just this way while warming up -- how long have you had time to observe her there? Is she only reserved/observant during the time when she's transitioning away from mom and into daycare? It raises some alarm, but of course I don't know all the details, and every child is different.

Childcare providers should not come to work sick, but unfortunately it is more common than not. I work with a highly at-risk population, so my co-workers and I are ultra vigilant about staying home when sick, but for the most part, those of us who work with children are extra susceptible and it's not uncommon for daycare providers and preschool teachers to have what seems like a perpetual cold.

Finally, lost items-- well, a shoe mixup is pretty common, but adults need to be vigilant about putting another child's pacifier in your daughter's mouth. That's ridiculous, and grossly irresponsible. Such cross-contamination should never happen in a responsible daycare.

You have good cause for alarm. I would not stay at this daycare -- the diaper issue alone is pretty bad. None of this I say to make you feel guilty or bad -- on the contrary, I praise you for bringing up these issues and realizing the possibility of a problem here. If you feel comfortable, I'd even mention the name of the daycare so others know where NOT to attend. -K

''Suggestions for Parents with Complaints
-Speak out- sitting on a problem won't solve it.
-Find a time when both parties can talk freely.
-Keep the child (and other families and children) out of a
dispute, don't be tempted to complain to other parents in
the program.
-Listen to the other person; there are always at least two
sides to every story.
-Be as clear as possible about what you would like to see
happen (or never happen again)
-Try to leave any meeting with some kind of understanding,
even if you and the provider agree to disagree, and the
child moves on to other care.''

I work at a center that has a policy about changing diapers every two hours. I can assure you that is just posted general minimum guidelines for training staff and substitutes. It does not mean that an infant is sitting in poop for two hours.

Urinary tract infections can also be caused by other things, such as dehydration. Infants may be in childcare 8 hours a day but they are home for 16. It is just as likely that the illness may have started at home.

Infant teachers do come to work at times when they are not feeling 100% out of a sense of duty caring for the group. As infants respond to those they are attached to. It is very hard on most infants to be cared for by a substitute. Neither is it an easy job for a substitute to just walk in and attend to each infant's personal style.

I do hope you find a way to communicate with your child's caregiver, or move on if you can not communicate your issues. Marie

Misgivings about the daycare after the first week

I just started sending my 14 months old to his first daycare. It is a small home-based care and usually have 8-9 kids including 2 infants. We just started and today is second day, so I guess it is too early to tell something. But I just talked to my provider on the phone this morning, and can't concentrate on my work since then. I would like to hear any advice from experienced parents.

His first day, yesterday, was okay. My husband and I stayed there for about 30 min, and my kid even smiled and raised his hand when we were leaving. Although he didn't eat much and had slight diarrhea. But today, the provider almost snatched him at the door and wouldn't even let me in. Of course, my son was crying as the door shut closed. After about half an hour, I called the daycare just to see if he is doing okay, not crying so hard. But then the lady almost sounded like preaching me that I am concerned too much and crying is natural and he will be doing the same thing at any place. I totally understand what she said, but the tone of her voice was as if she was really annoyed by my phone call, and I don't know if she gets annoyed so much by a phone call from a concerned first time parents, then how she can handle little kids everyday.

I thought I found the right place, but now everything seemed really bad, like every time I visited the place they were feeding the kids only cereal and milk (even afternoon), and they don't take the kids out for a walk. Should I start looking for another place or wait and see how things are going? Any advice will be sincerely appreciated. Thank you so much.

If I could do it over again, I would take her out in a second, even if it meant missing a week of work to find another situation! Your daycare provider should have called YOU to tell you that your baby was fine and that you could relax.

Good luck; I do not miss those days at all! Mom of three school-aged kids

I don't care if you ARE an anxious, overly nervous, new mom. Is there some other kind? If your daycare can't deliver peace of mind to moms of babies, then they aren't doing their job. Tell them "I'm sure you are providing good care for my child, but I am not getting what I need from you," and spell it out for them.

Even though I suspect this caregiver isn't great with the kids either, by putting it this way you avoid feeling like you need to have a lot of evidence against them. You don't need to build a case that they have neglected your child. Find a new daycare. They've failed YOU. And you matter!! Fran

Yes, it's normal to cry and your son might take a few weeks to adjust (to any new place) but her attitude seems poor. Also, no walks and cereal in the afternoon? Do the kids get fruit or cheese or bread or other snacks?

A less than great relationship with the provider is enough reason to move on. Anon

We were once in a similar situation with our (then) 14-month old daughter and I thought that maybe it was just me, because there were other children there and obviously those parents didn't have issues. But your relationship with the daycare provider is unique and needs to be excellent. Not every parent/child matches up well with the daycare provider. This becomes a fairly close relationship so if the chemistry isn't there and you don't feel comfortable, you should definitely move on.

I think that it is healthy to go inside when you drop off your child. In fact, I still do it with our son's daycare. I go in and hang out for a bit before I leave. He went through a period where he would cry when I left and during that time there were a few occasions where I just dropped him at the door. However, under normal circumstances I always go in and get him settled before I leave. Go with your instincts and act accordingly! JOJ

I know it's hard, I often question my own irrationality when it comes to my son. But it's yours, and you have every right to explore it and own it. Don't question ''you'', question ''them'' until you feel better. Or find a person that feels right in your gut. I have a recommendation if you live in the Oakland, Laurel Dist. st

Also, just for the record, I have to say that I'd be mighty livid (and suspicious) if I was actually denied entrance to the daycare facility on day 2, with my child snatched away from me and crying. Moreover, when parents call their daycare to check in on their child/voice a concern, I believe they are entitled to have their concerns addressed, not blown off with a condescending and preachy retort. (I think a good daycare staff will even extend a little extra tolerance/hand-holding to first-time parents.) So, yes - if I were in your shoes, I'd start looking for an alternative that makes both you and your child happy. You know what's best for your child. Best of luck to you - I know the transition to daycare is not easy. Feeling for You...

Having said this though, please go with your gut feeling. If your instinct is telling you something is not right, there's probably something not right.

It's always tricky to weigh in with only one side of the story, but I will tell you this much. (1) As a ''new'' parent, the caregiver should have been more understanding of your need to check in. My son was having a freak out when I dropped him off one day and an hour later, his daycare called ME to tell me that he was fine and playing with the other infants. (2) If you suspect the children are not receiving their proper meals, ask the caregiver to give you their weekly menu, or to tell you what your child ate that day. They should be ready to communicate this to the parents. Or show up for lunch to volunteer and see what they are serving. (3) My son has been at two daycares, and both were amiable to parents sticking around for as long as the parent felt it was necessary to help the transition.

Another thing is to stop by early during drop off time or pick up time to have a chance to chat with the caregiver because you two also need to get to know each other and get used to the new situation. And if all this still leaves you unconfortable, start your search again and find another daycase. anon

Daycare letting 6-month-old cry for too long

My 6 mo old daughter just started a new daycare 3 weeks ago. It's a great place- very developmentally focused: in just four days there, she went from a floppy bassinette baby to sitting up well on her own, playing alone for 15-20 minutes, with excellent manual dexterity.

As early as day 2, though, the provider was complaining about the amount that my daughter wants to be held. Monday, she left her to cry most of the day, the longest uninterrupted stretch was 45 minutes. Tuesday, my daughter slept ALL day.

Early Wednesday morning, I ended up with my daughter at hospital: turns out she had an ear infection, and was in pain on Monday.

It really bothers me that the care provider is so inflexible about picking up my daughter and holding her. The other children at the daycare have been there a long time, and are securely attached. Even the provider's supervisor thought that 45 minutes crying was excessive. Yet this place is good developmentally...

I am trying to decide whether to switch my daughter now, or stick it out another couple of months until my daughter is crawling and more independent? Advice? Torn

My personal philosophy is that at 6 mos, what's most important developmentally is to be loved and held and cared for. If the provider can't give your daughter that, what's so great about this place? (And I'm not a total attachment parenting afficionado by any means, just fyi).

That said, I also know it's not that easy to find great day care. I've made a few compromises to keep my daughter at a place that overall I like. So maybe you could stick it out a couple more weeks and see if your daughter seems to be happy there. You mention waiting until she's more independent in a few months, but given my experience I don't think at 9 mos she's suddenly going to become more independent; she'll still be a little baby who will still need care, and hopefully she'll be with a provider who can give it to her without resentment. I wish you the best of luck. anon

Daycare is sending 6-month-old home for crying

my daycare provider has sent my 6 month old home several times now for being too fussy. He has been great at daycare up until this week and now all of a sudden he is just crying a lot, and not wanting to eat. When I bring him home he acts perfectly fine though. My question is 1.any advice on how to get my son to settle down at daycare? 2. is it okay for the daycare provider to repeatedly send home your child home if she feels he is too fussy, but still charge you for full time care? I can't keep taking off work so I am desperate for any and all advice on this matter. Thanks for your help.

Little things at daycare center are bothering me

I am in the midst of a daycare dilemma and I don't know how to proceed.

My son is four months old and has been in daycare for three weeks now. He attends a childcare center MWF and I work from home T/TH with him by my side.

Little things I have noticed at the center bug me and have set off my ''mother's instinct.'' I can't flat out say they are abusing my child, but it is little things like: one primary provider not knowing my sons name (if you don't know who he is, then how do you feed him the right bottles?), their use of the baby swing as a cure all, and their attempt to feed my son whenever he gets fussy instead of soothing, letting him play. The just don't seem to know our son and their attitude has been that this is what I can expect since he is in a Center environment. Twice I have picked him up with dried spit up all over his clothes. When I pointed it out, they hadn't even realized he had spit up. Also the area that is supposed to have been ''his'' crib always seems to have other childrens linens in it. It is things like that...nothing blatant, but alarming to me all the same.

I have also come to notice the condition of the other kids and their parents. I can't tell if I am being an educated snob or attentive parent....a few of the kids are WAY behind developmentally for example. The parents are young (which is not a crime I know;I am young-ish) but they seem more interested in their fingernails and talking about their ''babies daddy's'' than the welfare of their children. Many of the toddlers have a negative energy that I just don't want my son exposed to. One has apparently taken to knocking my son over.

Bottom line is that I don't think he belongs there. I did all my homework and thought I found a nice place. I was mistaken.

My dilemmas:

Am I being over-sensitive? My hubby seems lukewarm about moving our son. He worries about the financial end of it all. But he has never done the pick-up and drop-off due to his work schedule. The director of the center is a warm woman with a strong personality and I truly believe she would write my concerns off as a newbie mom.

If I decide to move our son, the nearest availabilty at a quality daycare wouldn't be until December. What do I do until then? I worry that finding some other place so quickly will be traumatic on my son--especially since he will be heading to Montessori in Decemeber (hopefully).

To make matters more complicated, we live in Fairfield. We moved here last year since homes are cheaper, relatively, and because my hubby works in the East Bay and I work in Davis. Fairfield seemed like a decent stop in between. But now that we have a child, I am finding the entire community to be less than what I had hoped. Not many places even have childcare here. And Davis has childcare waiting lists that back into 2005.

What should I do? We can't live on just my husbands income. I am not getting any work done when I am at work, since I am constantly worried about my son. Grandma works and my husbands parents are not an option as help either.I have called/visited many home based daycares and have been constantly disappointed.

I don't think I have unrealistic expectations. I just want a quality daycare where my son can grow and where I know he will be safe and happy.

Any ideas or thoughts greatly appreciated.

You sound like a loving, smart, caring person who would probably be great at it. It also sounds like your town could use another daycare provider choice. Plus if you decide you don't like it, you can always get another job, you can't retrieve this precious time you have with your kid. I think you should look at this as an opportunity, a door that has been open for you. It's true that being a mom is the toughest job, but it's also the most rewarding.

By taking these daycare classes, and by providing daycare, you will learn so much and you'll get to help other moms who are in your position now. Lastly, think about what having a job really costs you in clothing, dry cleaning, gas, car- maintenance, daycare, lunches out, plus stress, which spills over to your spouse and child. Another idea I just thought of: If you have a skill, maybe you could offer community center class(es). an opportunity awaits

I'm not sure how you know that they try to feed him rather than sooth him in ways that you're more comfortable with (do they actually tell you that?). That could be a stylistic difference, (and I've noticed that that approach can be a cultural one), but it is not typically the approach of most reputable daycares, or for that matter, pediatricians. I know at our daycare they do not allow baby swings or bouncy chairs, or anything that allows a caretaker to just put the child in a restrained device that could promote ignoring them. It's a safety concern as well as a child development philosophy. The babies are either held, or when that is not possible due to the demands of other children, they are either given ''tummy time'' on a mat on the floor, or put in a large, raised crib (only one child at a time). The ratio of caregiver to children of this age is roughly 1:3 or 1:4, depending on the day (and ! even that doesn't seem enough sometimes when you want your child to be held as much as possible!)

Anyway, I believe you're right to consider removing him. Don't worry about his transition, he probably has not had a chance to bond with anyone there yet, and besides, he's young enough that it won't ultimately matter. I know the options are expensive, and apparently there isn't much choice in the way of daycare centers where you are. Have you tried asking (on UC Parents) for recommendations for other daycares in your area? There may be some smaller family place that you may not already know about. If you only need to find something until December, is it possible to hire a nanny until then? They can be expensive, but I often hear of people who pay/charge under $11/hour. If someone comes to your house you could have a much better idea of what's going on (if you're able to separate yourself enough to get work done - and that can be tricky). A cheaper solution would be a! nanny share, finding someone who will take care of both your baby and someone else's, at either house. This made us very nervous when our daughter was that age, but from what I read on this site LOTS of people do it and are very happy with their arrangements. You could probably expect to pay about 2/3 of a full rate, it seems. Either way, it's probably a financial hit in comparison with a daycare, but I think you're right - something is not quite right with the practises you describe at your present daycare. I would feel the same as you do.

Best of luck! Anon in Oakland

Are these daycare policies reasonable?

I just placed my 13-month-old in a home daycare center for 2 full days a week. As our former part-time nanny gave us a short notice and I'm expecting another child very soon, I unfortunately had to choose a daycare center without doing as much research as I would have liked. The home daycare center I chose came highly recommended by my former nanny, and after visiting, I felt confident in the high quality of care my child would receive there, and that my child would be happy there. However, I wasn't quite comfortable with several of its policies, which I'm listing below. It may very well be due to my inexperience with how home daycare centers are typically run in this area. Could you please advise? There is a possibility that we may go to full time, 5 days a week at this daycare. Thank you.

- If I take my child out for a dr.'s appointment in the middle of the day, I should not bring her back to daycare for the rest of the day.

- I need to bring in my child into daycare no later than 9am (in particular, this conflicts with my child's morning gym/play class for which she is already pre-registered).

- When I asked about visiting, I was told visiting times were always at a certain time on certain (2) days.

- We need to pay for staff's two weeks' vacation time per year, as well as holidays. We also pay for any other days when the child cannot come, eg. sick days or family vacation time. anon

On the vacation front, though: gee, I get a paid vacation, I expect you do, too -- why shouldn't your daycare provider? Isn't she (or he) a professional who provides a valuable service? Also, if the daycare provider gets some time off, s/he is less likely to crack and start beating on the kids (GRIN). Shoot, I *want my daycare provider to have vacation time! Sara

- there is no late dropoff cutoff. However, we try to get our daughter there by 9, just as a courtesy; if we're going to be later than that, I usually call them, just to let them know.

- again, there is no restrictions on visiting, but at the same time, they're pretty protective of their schedules, and not disrupting the kids, so it can be awkward if we do show up in the middle of the day. They have a separate porch, and usually make us wait out there and bring our child out, rather than letting us in to the play room or nap room.

- as far as paid vacation, our daycare takes a week out of each year for their vacation, and we don't pay that week. But, we do pay for anytime we don't use thier services, if we go on vacation, or doctor appointments, or sick days, etc. We generally end up taking vacation the same week they do, so we don't run into time where we have no daycare.

I know there are more stringent places than ours out there too.. if you really like the place (and your child does too), it might be worth trying to work with them. But do what feels comfortable to you, especially if you plan on a long term relationship! anon

It's fair to ask you not to bring your child back after a doctor's appointment--it can be confusing and difficult for a child to come back to daycare after being picked up once already. Being utterly consistent is really comforting and makes it easier for when you do drop her of each day.

A consistent time for drop-off (9 am in your case) is also a fair request. It's disruptive to the group to have kids coming in at all different times and makes planning tough for the caregivers. Again, a consistent routine is best for your child.

Limiting visiting times to certain days and times is completely unreasonable to me. You should be able to drop in to visit with no notice at any time. Yes, this may be disruptive and hard for their planning, but it is a safety issue. I'm wondering if limiting visits to only pre-set days/times is even legal. I can see if they require advance notice, but I would feel a lot more comfortable with a no- notice-needed policy, especially at a home care.

Paying for caregivers vacations is fair. These people are generally underpaid, undervalued, hard-working and incredibly loving. If, over time you still feel the caregivers don't deserve this benefit, you might consider moving your child to a place where you like the caregivers so much you do feel this way. As for paying for when your child is sick, they have to have staff to cover even so, so it's fair to expect this.

Sad to say, daycare in this area is extremely expensive, just like everything else. But the peace of mind you get from a good caregiver is absolutely priceless. Good luck! Joan

Paying for holidays, family vacation and sick days is standard procedure. If a child is sick a lot and doesn't pay, or you decide to go on a 2 week trip, it's not fair to the daycare who is holding your spot and unable to give it anyone else. anon

Of the other policies, the first two seem pretty inflexible, and the one regarding ''visiting days'' makes me downright uncomfortable -- I would want to be able to visit whenever. Karen

2) Again, the before 9 am may be a PREFERENCE and I would inquire further. Do they have things planned? Is there a schedule that they don't want your child to miss out on? If so, great. But would it really be so bad if your child was late? I often bring my child in after 9 am! And home daycares are usually chosen for their flexibility! Maybe you could talk more specifically with them to arrange when your child would/would not conflict with their schedule and see if that's ok.

3) Wow, the restricted visiting thing really pisses me off. You, as a parent, have EVERY RIGHT TO VISIT THE DAYCARE AT ANY TIME YOU CHOOSE! There is even a form that you fill out that they should give you, if they are a proper, licensed facility, that states your rights as a parent. Some daycares may PREFER that you visit at certain times, and if so they should make CLEAR WHY THEY HAVE THIS PREFERENCE. But you have a LEGAL RIGHT AS THE PARENT to enter the childcare facility at any time. And as a parent, you would want to do this to see what is happening in the home. Not only at designated times when they can put on a show for you!!! I pulled my 2 year old daughter out of a daycare that practically shut the door on me to keep me from seeing what was going on inside. I don't think it was anything bad; they just PREFERRED that I let my daughter get used to the place on her own. But I defended my right and let them know I thought what they were doing was wrong!

4) Yes, if it is a regular daycare and not a drop-in center, it is normal to pay for days you're not there and vacations. (Can you imagine running a daycare dependent only on when the kids could make it? The staff show up every day rain or shine.) k.

Now, as for doctor's appointments, unless your child meets the DCP's guidelines for exclusion (for sickness), I cannot fathom WHY your child would not be allowed to return after a doctor's appointment. I'm sure they have a reason; did you ask why?

We are VERY flexible with our start and end times, so while I can't comment on not being able to bring your child after 9am for another center, I personally find it terribly rigid.

The visiting policy is an enormous red flag for me. I encourage parents to visit at any time, and as a matter of fact, will call them to encourage them to visit if we're near their work (at a playground or something). It usually makes leaving (parent leaving child) hard, but IMO, the child benefits more from the connection with their parent than from the parent leaving. Yeah, it is harder work for me, but the point is, what is best for the child. :)

I don't think you can research DCP's stringently enough; I would call the licensing board to check on any complaints, I would ask to see their DOJ fingerprinting results as well as First Aid and CPR certifications.

I have a link on my site with lots of questions to ask - here it is and good luck! http://3littlemonkeys.vavoova.com/choose.html Kathy

This daycare also tries to ensure decent working standards by providing vacation times for the head teachers. Teachers' aids are paid by the hour, however. For a more stable budget situation, they also require a contract that guarantees the amount you pay regardless of actual attendance for which you receive in return a guaranteed space for a certain number of hours per week.

The restriction on visiting hours seems unusual. anon

2.I think many daycares feel it can be disruptive to the child and other children to have parents visit BUT you should be allowed to drop in any time, unannounced,I think that might be a law (check with Bananas); but as for a scheduled ''visit'' it seems reasonable to have the structured visiting hours. If they are downright not allowing you to come in at other times, I would be suspicious.

3. Fees: yes that is standard to pay for 2 weeks vacation and the 1 or 2 day holidays, because they need to earn a living wage like everyone else, and I think it feels hard to pay when you don't use the daycare but essentially you are paying for your space there and they can't fill it when you go on vacation.

4.I think some daycares are more relaxed about starting time and some more structured. The home preschool daycare we have used is on the VERY relaxed side which works really well for our family, however I would say the downside to NOT having a ''start'' time is that often we come into a boisterous group already engaged in their activities and it can be intimidating for our child to transition into that, vs. everyone arriving more or less together. But I'd guess that being that strict about arrival time benefits the caregivers and might feel too stict for a family daycare with such young ones, my feeling is they shouldn't have to be on a kindergarten-like school schedule unless you need to make it work that way. In short I'd say it all might be a matter of their daycare philosophy however it also sounds like the caregivers could be uncomfortable with guiding the children through transitions and they might be unreasonably rigid and un-homey in order to avoid dealing with the feelings or the chaos that can arise at transition times (i.e all the comings and goings.) Good luck. Chris