Communication Problems with Childcare Provider
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Communication Problems with Childcare Provider
Sept 2008
My family is happy with our daycare provider in most ways, but
communication can be difficult. The problem is that when we
inquire about even slightly problematic things, like for example
how he got a little scratch, the provider becomes very
defensive, and I end up reassuring her that I'm not blaming her
(after all, crawling and tumbling around as my son does, he's
often sporting little nicks and bumps). What I'd like, though,
is just to be able to ask, and to get a simple response, whether
it's ''He banged his head on the crib'' or even ''I don't know.'' I
thought I'd ask the community about this, because I want to
revisit our no-TV policy, something we agreed on when we started
care. Lately my husband has noticed the TV on when he's dropped
our son off, and I just want to have a conversation about it:
make sure that when my son arrives, the TV is turned off, or
he's in a different room. But I find myself dreading the
reaction that might provoke. So basically, I guess my question
is about successfully communicating with a defensive provider.
Anon
Your post raises several red flags.
if the provider gets defensive about little scratches, how will
she react when really big things come up? how about if an adult
on the premesis was molesting the children or abusing them in
some other way that does not necessarily leave a mark? do you
think she'd come right out and tell you or take effective steps
to address the problem? my guess is she's sweep it all under the rug.
having the TV on at a day care is a red flag to me. having it on
first thing in the morning when presumably everyone is most fresh
and energetic is worse but doing that after discussing and
agreeing to your ''no TV'' preference is really bad.
find another daycare - you can do better
good luck
I would look for a new daycare. You need to be on the same team
with your provider and it sounds like you are not.
On her side, I can understand a bit of defensiveness...I work in
childcare and quite frankly, some of the parents are a bit off in
their expectations. I have been jumped on over some things that
really are not a big issue (for example, bumps and scratches that
occur during the day when a child is just beginning to pull up to
a standing position). In a childcare center, my ratio is me
versus 8, with four of them under two. I cannot give a child the
same attention that a provider working with one or two children
can give to the children. Many parents expect the attention they
would get from a one-on-one nanny while paying for a center...
Which brings me to the next point. The television should not be
on except under certain circumstances. In the childcare center
in which I work, children are napping in one of two rooms
adjoining the main center activity room. The television is on in
the main room with a video (Dora, Barney, etc) for those children
who are past naps, but need some down time (hard to do in a group
of children). The parents know this and agree to this...
-anon
This question seems to come up often - I think because parents
are seeking validation for their feelings rather than a true
solution to their problem. We have had very similar issues with
our daycare. In general, i think providers can sometimes be
defensive because many of us well-meaning parents make requests
and ask questions that seem to raise trust and judgment issues
for them. Whether or not the response is valid, I do have some
sympathy for their point of view. It's not easy dealing with
other people's kids all day, and us parents are naturally
protective of our children and do not have the benefit of a wider
perspective. We think of child care providers as stand-ins, not
necessarily as ''experts'' even though many have ''reared'' far more
children than any individual parent. In our case, i think some of
the miscommunication is cultural, and well - I tried the approach
of opening lines of communication and trying to explain my
position (asking, not judging) and it just made things worse. In
the end, I feel that in every situation, there will always be
things one doesn't like. As long as the rest is okay, you just
have to step back and let them be.
--trying to see the other side
I have the same problem with my wife; if I come home and our
child has a little scrape of something, I just like to know what
happened; I'm not mad at her -- I think scrapes and bumps are
pretty normal for a child to have occasionally. We've gotten to
the point where she sees that I'm not attacking her and
eventually we're getting to the point where she will just tell me
and not be worried and defensive. She has a long
family-of-origin history with people NOT acting like me, and, of
course, all of her interactions are informed by those earlier
interactions -- this is to say that the daycare staff probably
has experienced attacking questions in their personal lives AND
from other parents. The solution: just keep trying, and always
explain to the staff that you're not mad, you just like to know:
of course, you gotta back that up with actions: don't get mad.
Time to look for a new day care. If you can't communicate with
the care giver, then it's time to start looking for a new day
care.
Anon
I see serious red flags. Bumps and bruises happen.
Professional care givers point them out and explain them
immediately upon the parent's arrival - Even the ones they
can't explain. You're not trying to blame - You simply need to
know what has happened to your child while you're away. And
since your child can't speak for themself, the care giver must
be clear and honest about it. The fact that your provider gets
defensive worries me - tells me they're trying to deflect
attention away from the possibility that the child isn't being
watched carefully by making you feel bad for asking or afraid
to ask the next time. I'd start hunting for a new care giver
immediately. But if you really like this person, show some
real strength and calmly notify them that you want a rundown of
any/all falls or upsets during the day immediately upon pickup -
without any attitude. If they can't handle this you don't
want to leave your child with them. As for the TV being
on...my guess is that it's probably on all day. You can remind
them of your agreement or have them limit it to an hour or two
of kids programming - but really, I'd find a better day
care.
joan
Reading your post raised some questions for me. Certainly, I do
not have all of the information, but from the concerns that you
discussed, I wonder if your child is in the absolute optimal care
setting. I have my doctorate in child development and my
specific area of expertise is caregiver sensitivity. I conduct
assessments of childcare settings for parents in order to help
match their child to the best childcare setting based on their
child's unique needs. Again, I do not have all of the
information regarding your childcare, but this is my opinion
based on what you had said. I would be happy to hear more about
your child's current situation and let you know more about the
process of having a professional assessment completed on the care
center, please let me know if you are interested.
Melissa
I think it's time to look around for a new daycare. If you dread
that idea, you could try just saying what you need to say, and
just let yourself see the reaction. but it sounds to me like it's
not going to work. Your kid is in front of the TV, and your
provider is probably going to misrepresent that to you.(and
possibly other things.) If you're not comfortable, your daycare
is not going to work.
Nov 2005
My 1-year-old daughter is in a Spanish-speaking day care that
continues on through preschool. Neither my husband nor I speak
Spanish very well, and have always wished that it was a skill
we possessed. We would love for our daughter to have the
opportunity to learn Spanish, which is why we only considered
Spanish-speaking day care providers.
We are lukewarm about her care situation. The caregivers are
loving and attentive and fantastic with her, but don't
communicate very well with us because of their limited
English. This is often uncomfortable for us, as we don't have
much visibility into her days. It's hard for me to understand
them, for example, when I ask whether she had a poopy diaper
that day, when she napped, and what she ate. So while our
daughter is having a great experience -- we can tell by how
excited she gets when we arrive each morning at day care -- we
her parents are having a lukewarm experience because we get so
little information about her day.
As we've agonized over whether to move her to a place that
works better for us as parents (and hopefully would be equally
positive for our daughter), we've wondered -- is the Spanish
worth the poor communication we have with her caregivers? Do
children really retain the Spanish they learn as toddlers
anyway? My husband and I do not speak it, so she will not be
able to practice Spanish at home. And our public elementary
school does not offer Spanish. The next time she'll be exposed
to Spanish is likely to be middle school. I would hate to
settle for a day care/preschool that is not great for us just
for the Spanish, when our daughter may forget all the Spanish
by the time she is exposed to it again.
Julie
We had our son in a Spanish-speaking nanny share until he was 2 1/2 and, looking
back, I think it was too long. The other families in the share spoke Spanish, as did
the nanny, and communication with her wasn't a problem (I also speak fluent
Spanish, though we don't speak it at home). At first, we were thrilled when his
vocabulary started developing with many Spanish words, which we incorporated into
our family vocabulary (''cremita'' for diaper cream, etc.). But when my son's verbal
abilities really took off, the problem was that the nanny could not understand him
when he spoke to her, and he was too young to get that she didn't. One day, I saw
him speaking to her and she turned to me and said, ''he said he wants X'' --I
realized that she hadn't understood a word he said! Their interaction (which had
been wonderful when he was an infant) really suffered, and so did he. I believe that
the child's emotional development (and your communication with the caregivers) is
far more important than second language aquisition, but it is a hard idea to give up
that your child can learn Spanish the easy way.
Happier Now
NO is the easy answer.
Why - because the first priority should be clear communication
between the parents and the caregiver.
Imagine the worst case scenario - your child suffers an injury -
how would you find out the crucial details without an
interpreter? Or suppose your child needs medication? And yes, you
NEED to know all the little day to day details as well - that's
how you know your child is happy and healthy.
As for the exposure to Spanish - that's a no-brainer - there are
LOADS of other qualified child care providers who are fluent in
Spanish - and English.
But as for the impact and effect it will have on your child - if
you are not speaking it at home, then the impact is negligible.
There have been more thorough discussions in this forum regarding
how to raise bilingual children, and simply having the day care
provider speak another language will not do it.
Change your priorities and change your childcare.
My 2 Cents
I had the opposite experience.
It was really important for me to have my son in a Spanish
speaking environment.
So I looked and looked until I found one that I thought was
perfect.
I am not sure he is enjoying his time there, after 3 months he
still crying when I drop him off. He is not very stimulated
and I am not so thrilled myself. So I started looking for an
alternative and I found a place that I really like and which
seems like a much better fit for him (he doesn't want to leave
after visits.) The only draw back: No Spanish there. I
figured it is more important to have him in a place where he is
well taken care of, nurtured stimulated and happy. I speak
Spanish, so even though I know it is going to be a struggle for
me, but I will teach him. Maybe there is another way for you
to communicate with teachers, a check-off list or something
like that.
Good luck
decisions, decisions.
It sounds like you just want more info on the day, and I don't
blame you!! at my previous daycare (smalltrans) they had a sheet
of paper that was filled in every day, saying what they ate &
when, when they started & stopped napping, and whether diapers
were wet or soiled, or if they used a toilet when they got
older. This was great! and pretty critical for little ones so
you know what to expect when you pick them up. I'm guessing
that if you could get a sheet like that, or be able to have the
nanny be able to write a few words (or choose multiple choice on
the sheet) then you'd be comfortable. Maybe you can work with
someone who speaks better spanish to come up with and explain a
sheet for the day, and maybe you can have some pictures next to
the things or maybe you'll understand the little spanish (e.g.,
just for sleeping, napping, playing, pee & poo, happy or sad
face for the day, park, etc., you'd feel better. And maybe you
can learn a few basic spanish words and the nanny can learn a
few basic english words (including to be able to call you up and
say ''come home now!'' in an emergency). just think about what
things you really want to know for the day, and find a shorthand
for it.
janet
You bring up 2 important topics:
1. Good communication with your child's caregiver.
2. Language skills that will last a lifetime.
Re #1: If you do not feel super confident with the current
staff, start looking elsewhere so you know what your options
are. It is reasonable to expect a daily update (what ate,
poops, etc), and there are many Spanish speaking caregivers in
the Bay Area who can at the very least communicate on that level.
Re #2: You are doing an Amazing thing for your child to expose
a second language from birth to age 5. This is a skill they
will have for life - no only as far as language, but also as a
window to the entire world of different cultures. The ''birth to
Age 5'' is Very Important. I am not a scientist, so in layman's
terms, there are circuits in the brain we are all born with, and
we have an opportunity to ''use them or lose them'' and studies
have shown that if they are not used during that 5 year window,
then they are gone. Ask anyone who took French or Spanish for
the first time in High School how difficult it was. It's not
difficult for a 3 year old. I know from experience... I was in
an experimental program 30 years ago where French was taught in
Nursery School, and I can fool a French person for about 5
minutes before I make a silly mistake. My son is 3.5 and is in
pre-school 5 mornings a week: 2 days in Spanish Pre-School and
3 days in French Pre-School. Very different programs, and he
loves them both, and has amazingly perfect comprehension. And
he speaks English too :-) Don't give up on this! It really is
worth it.
But lastly, it is important to find the ''right fit'' for the
caregiver, and maybe after a little research, it will become
clear if the ''loving enviornment'' for your child outweighs the
communication barrier for you or if there is an even better
option available for you and your child, while still maintaining
the language component.
Good luck!
Mom of Tri-Lingual Toddler
We had a Spanish speaking (reasonable English) nanny for my
child from age 1-3. Although her spoken English was OK, she
could barely handle reading simple board books. At 3, my child
was intensely interested in books (still is) and I found the
nanny to be more of a liability than a plus. Her skills were
really for the infant to 3 years range, which we were very
happy with for that age period. My child went on to preschool
and now we have a bilingual babysitter that helps my
kindergartener with Spanish homework from her after-school
class. This has been fantastic - and although she may have
known more Spanish before attending the class, it was the right
decision to let the nanny go (she had a great job to go to
anyway).
Anon
Dec 2004
My 13 month old daughter has been in a daycare center for about
4 months now. We've generally been pleased with the competence
of the providers. Our daughter seems to enjoy it. She never
cries at drop off and is cheerful when we pick her up. The
problem is that the main teacher and her assistant are Chinese
and don't speak English well, so I can never get a detailed
report of how my daughter is doing. In other words, I can look
on the day's chart and see when the naps, bm's, and meals were,
but I can't ask what my daughter is like in a group, does she
share well, or anything detailed because their Engligh
comprehension is not sufficient. Additionally, the center
director is a pleasant enough woman, but puts out a
monthly ''newsletter'' with countless egregious spelling and
gramatical errors. Honestly I read it in horror and wondered if
she has had any formal education - it was that bad. So here I
am wondering if these are the people I want teaching my child.
I'm also afraid that my daughter is not being read to because of
the poor English speaking skills. I know at 13 months my
daughter is awfully young to be thinking about whether she's a
getting high quality education, but she sees more of these women
than she sees of me or her Dad and it would be nice if I had
confidence that they were teaching her something. I should also
note that the head teacher has been with the center for 10+
years which is good and bad. Good because she has lots of
experience and bad because even after 10 years her English is
still so poor.
Well, it sounds like it's not the right daycare for you -- if
you're not comfortable, you're not comfortable -- but let me
respond to some of the issues you raise. First, obviously,
English literacy is not a requirement for nurturing, as I'm sure
you know. If the English skills of the providers are as you
describe, I doubt your daughter is being ''read to,'' but you've
probably noticed when you read to your daughter yourself that
it's not about a story at this point -- it's more about object
identification, classification, learning how books work, etc.
Do your DCPs do these kind of activities with books?
Our nanny has limited English literacy, but actively engages in
books with our toddler daughter, pointing out objects and
letters, asking our daughter to point out objects, getting her
to play along with actions in books, etc. I see how much my
daughter enjoys books, and she often surprises me with her
familiarlity with even those books that I haven't gotten to
share with her lately, so I know there's a lot of looking at
books going on with our DCP. I'm very happy with this, and the
fact that my daughter views books as a source of fascination and
entertainment seems to me like a solid foundation for literacy
when the time comes, and it's not something that requires much
literacy on the DCP's part.
Second, I can tell you that your daughter doesn't share; she's
13 months old, and 13-month olds don't share. I would focus on
the DCP's communication with me in terms of what I needed to
know, not in terms of how well they said it to me. It sounds
like in some ways they're very good on that (with the daily
chart and monthly newsletter, for example), but in other ways
not so good (you'd like more information on what they observe
about your daughter's personality, for example). Can you
address the latter?
Bottom line, again, is that if you're not comfortable, you're
not comfortable. But if your daughter is happy there, and you
can address the issue of getting the additional information you
want, what about keeping her there until she can start a
preschool program at age two? That might be a compromise that
addresses your more academic concerns, but keeps her in an
environment she's happy in in the meantime. Good luck with your
decision!
Another toddler mom
Why not create laminated activity and emotion cards that
correspond with certain things that were done during the
day so the teachers can leave them in your daughters cubby
at the end of the day.
Example: image of 2 kids stacking blocks together =
sharing. Meaning: today she did well in sharing. Maybe
coupled with a happy face to symbolize a good experience.
or- Example: Crying face = sad or emotional day. And it
could be coupled with a card symbolizing a fight. Or
something broken. Or missing mommy.
When you read the cards later you can discuss them with
her providers which will help them to speak better english in
general. They can better illustrate with the pictures what you
need to hear about her day.
Like communicative flashcards.
Just a thought...and much cheaper than switching schools.
Alena
My daughter was in a daycare run by a (korean) woman who spoke
very little English from 8 months to 1.5 years. I moved her to
another daycare for the reasons you mentioned - language
development, etc., and I don't regret my decision. Even though
the woman loved my daughter dearly and took very good care of
her, all of the research shows that language development begins
very early, and that one of the most important building blocks
for literacy is to be read to consistently. My advice is to
find another daycare, it is always hard to leave a daycare
where you feel that your child is well cared for, but there are
many, many, very good daycare providers around, you just have
to put in the time to find the right one.
Language is important!
I don't know how qualified I am to write a response to this post,
but it touched on many of the same concerns I have for my 13
month old. I'm a SAHM, but may have to look into daycare when I
get a job (purely for financial reasons). From what I've read
about language development in babies, this is a fairly critical
time in language acquisition. I think you're in a good situation
if you want her to learn Chinese and that is what they're
speaking with her, since it's wonderful for kids to be exposed to
another language. But if they're trying to speak to her in
English, then she's probably not getting very good role models. I
know nurturing is very important, too, but it just seems like you
could find another positive environment which can also stresses
teaching excellent verbal skills. I've read that the children
with the most extensive vocabulary and most proficient use of
grammar are those whose caretakers speak to them the most,
engaging in verbal play and labeling most of what the baby is
exposed to. Variety of words used, clarity of pronunciation and,
perhaps most importantly, the sheer quantity of words spoken to a
baby are very important determinants of a child's future language
ability. So my advice, for what it's worth, is to either take
advantage of the opportunity to teach her Chinese from native
speakers, or to find some other care. (If you pay me enough to
get to stay home with my baby, I will watch her and teach her
along with my own child! Ha, ha! Oh, well, good luck anyway.)
Susan
I'm curious to see what other responses you get to your posting.
On one hand, I think it's reasonable to want to know what's going
on with your daughter in some detail, and if it were me, I'd be
frustrated about not being able to get that information. On the
other hand, I think you are expecting too much of your daycare
providers and judging them unfairly. At this age, the best
lessons that any provider can teach your daughter are about
socialization - playing fair, sharing, treating others with
respect - not advanced skills that she will certainly pick up
later. You mention that your daughter seems happy - other than
their ability to communicate with you, do you feel that they are
able to communicate with HER? Are they providing her with
appropriate stimulation, setting a good example, able to clarify
positive from negative behavior? Those are the skills she should
really be developing at this age.
anon
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