Feeling uneasy and stressed about throwing a party

I'm feeling uneasy about my son's third birthday. Lots of kids are invited, from school and elsewhere, and I feel happy to have a fun celebration and a full house. We have asked for no gifts. I want to have just a fun free for all--but feel some pressure to have something structured for the kids to do. Is it important to have some activities planned or can kids just play for 2 hours with our toys and a lawn/slide/swing to play on? I also want to skip the gift bags, I find them a little too much on both the giving and receiving side, and wish that they weren't a ''given'' at birthday parties. I don't want to be a naysayer, but do parties have to be such productions? What happened to just gathering together to have some fun, sharing a cake and singing happy birthday? don't want to be a party pooper

I'm not big on gift bags (hate them actually) and I wasn't too sure about having that many people in my small house just hanging out. So, here's what I did. The party was scheduled for 2 hours. First thing was lunch... pizza was a hit along with a lot of finger foods/veggie plate/olives/grapes. I had two ''structured'' activities. One was cookie decorating. I had a sugar cookie for each kid and a bunch of different colored frostings and sprinkles for each of them to play with. They could have taken the decorated cookie home with them but most of them tasted/ate some right there. The other activity was making ice cream in an ice cream ball in 30 mins (they sell them at REI)so it was an interactive ball rolling game. Those that wanted either rolled the ball or just had free play.

Afterwards was cake and the homemade ice cream if they weren't sugared out already. That was definitely way more sugar that I prefer as a health conscious mom but it's only one day and she was thrilled. In lieu of gift bags, I got mylar balloons at the dollar store for each kid to take home (I talked to my girl about them getting the balloons ahead of time so she wouldn't freak when they left with all the balloons).

I know my daughter and I had fun and I hope everyone else did too. Kudos to the other parents though. They were all very helpful and right in there with the kids with all the activities. Good luck on the birthday party! Michelle

''If you think children's birthday parties are getting out of control, you've come to the right place. We want to raise awareness of this problem and offer alternatives for parents and kids who want birthdays without pressure.'' http://www.birthdayswithoutpressure.org/ Your party sounds like it will be great! -Not into goody bags either

I'm on my third kid now, and 99% of our birthday parties have been old fashioned nothing-happening parties at home. And I don't spend more than a couple hours prepping for the party, which includes baking a cake and calling the pizza delivery place. The kids just play together with whatever toys are here. They always have a GREAT time. Because I'm not running games and coordinating magicians, I can spend the two hours chit-chatting with whatever parents stay for the party, have a beer or a glass of wine, and get to know some of the grown-ups at my kid's school.

The last two years, the entire preschool class was invited (they don't all come) but starting in kindergarten we reduce the number to 6 or so. We have it at lunchtime for TWO HOURS. No longer than this. I don't like to buy decorations and put up balloons and streamers and what-not. No one has ever complained. I order pizza and usually I make the cake. Eating takes up about half the party, and the other half is the guests checking out the toys of the host. The only complaint I've ever heard was last year, when a very funny 5-year-old boy who shall remain nameless walked in the front door and made a bee line for me, and asked, ''G___, What sort of games and activities do you have planned for the party?'' So I told him I was afraid there were NO planned games. He was surprised. But of course he did have fun.

A key component of last year's fun was the novelty of a chocolate fountain -- a couple years ago I got talked into buying one for a Christmas party so I set that up after the pizza was eaten. This was a huge hit, at least with the kids - the parents were not quite as enthusiastic for some reason. But this ''activity'' (dipping and strawberries into warm chocolate) kept everyone occupied for 45 minutes! In the past, we've also iced cupcakes or made sundaes or milkshakes. When you have games, there is always the kid who doesn't want to participate. But I have never seen a kid turn down the opportunity to load up on sugar.

As for goody bags, I have found that 4 and 5 years olds really have come to expect some little trinket at the end of the party. If you don't offer it, some will ask about it outright. I am not sure about 3 year olds - they may not notice. But with 4 and up, this is a case where the parents probably would rather you didn't hand out goody bags but it's the kids who will apply the pressure. They will think you just ''forgot'' to give them their goody bag and they will helpfully remind you. This could cause an anxious person to feel anxious. So we do usually do the party favor thing. Last year we made a grab bag - wrap up some cheapo large-ish things - used books, balsawood airplanes, etc. - and let them reach into the bag as they were leaving.

In summary, do the party any way you enjoy doing it. If you are having fun, everyone else will too. G.

The games can be really simple (think Duck, Duck, Goose), and the activities can be making a paper crown or simply coloring a picture you print off the internet. As far as goodie bags go, if you don't like 'em, don't do 'em. If the kids make or color something, that can be their goodie to take home.

No more parties - don't want the stress

I've barely started, but am already done with throwing birthday parties for my kids (ages 2 and 4). I love to celebrate their birthdays, but do not want to have to throw a party for their friends with the sress and the cost that comes with it. Not to mention the competition to make the party as fun as the friends' parties. I want to keep the celebration small, perhaps just a special outing with just the immediate family and then have the grandparents and cousins over for dinner and cake. BUT, my kids get invited to a lot of parties, and I feel guilty for not reciprocating, and the older one is SO excited about his birthday (which is coming up) and keeps telling everyone he sees that they can come to his birthday party. I hate to burst his bubble and tell him that there will be no party. This year, I am biting the bullet and having the party with the friends and the cake and the gift bags, but any advice for drastically lowering expectations in future years? Did anyone out there come from a family that did not throw birthday parties? How did it make you feel then, and now?
dreading gift bags

Two years ago, we threw a ''carwash'' party and when kids came to our house they were given a squirt bottle and a rag. They loved it.

Why don't you stop thinking of the birthday parties as a ''check the box'' thing and have some fun with them? Go TOWARDS something, instead of away from it?

Last year, we got a cake at Costco, bought two stomp rockets and a bunch of balloons, and went to the local park. The kids loved it. Oh yeah. We also got some of those whistling balloons.

See? That's not a ton. Or take the kids to a local bouncy house place.

Maybe just something goofy. Or start a new family tradition that they and ONE FRIEND can do something special! Kids will tolerate all sorts of stuff as a ''family thing,'' and it will actually be fine. But it seems kind of depressing to not have anything. Heck, a cake at the park is what, 12 bucks?

have fun, whatever you do! oneof those funky, creative moms

I feel it is a wonderful privilege that my sons have friends who want to come to his parties and to be able to provide a modest party. They don't have to be extravagent competitive affairs. Can you have it somewhere where all you have to do is bring cake? Some places even will make goody bags for you. You can buy a cake, even a cheap cake at Albertson's or Safeway. Don't worry about what other parents are doing, what treats they give out, etc. Just give one your kids and their friends will enjoy, as low key as possible for you if you find that stressful.

I tend to feel that so many people whine about having too many social obligations and friends, and don't realize how lucky they are to have that problem. Just give your kids some memories and their special days.

Sad memories of no parties

First, I wouldn't worry about trying to ''keep up'' with anyone else's party. We've been to really simple parties at the park with pizza, or parties in the backyard with cake, as well as those more elaborate ones with jump houses, magicians, face painters, Gymboree, etc. My children have loved all of these parties, and I have always tended toward the former, simpler kind myself. I've also never heard any other parents complaining that any given party is too simple!

And If the gift bags are the primarly hassle, why not try a place like Birthday Party Express on the web? You can order pre-made gift bags for under $5 each, and they're always a hit with the kids (we've done this for years). I've also known friends to just buy one thing per guest -- like a beach ball, magic markers, playdoh -- and hand those out at the end. Younger kids love this (can't speak for the 7 and up crowd). Please don't get rid of goodie bags altogether -- I think most, if not all, kids absolutely love them. It doesn't seem to matter what is in them, they just like getting something new.

Finally, if you end up having really small parties, or none at all, I don't think you need to worry about reciprocity. Kids are invited to so many birthday parties that the other parents are probably grateful not to have to go to yours, if you cut yours down or eliminate them. Anon

There are many ways to eliminate presents. We read the BPN advice archives. We've done a book exchange (bring a wrapped, preferably second hand book, go home with another one). It seems too much like trying to convince kids that carrots are yummier than sweets, but it addresses two issues: the needs to bring something to the party and leave with something. I'd really like to ask people to bring a gift for animal shelter, needy kids, etc. We didn't think my son would get it this year. Next time, we may ask for presents for the animal shelter so he can deliver gifts, see the animals -- feel very benevolent (which wouldn't be appropriate with charity for humans).

If the party's not ON his birthday, save some presents to open after the party.

Gift bags: last year we did a treasure hunt. Kids had little things to keep from that. (Oh, collectivists that we are, everyone brought treasures to a central location and then chose from the pot.) Next year we may just not have anything to substitute for gift bags. I don't think kids will notice and if one asks, I will cheerfully say ''we don't have any.''

If your son's birthday isn't in the winter, you have another advantage -- once the rain stops, you can do a party outside at a park. You can even get pizza delivery to the park! A couple of games/relay races/nearby play structure, cake, and balloons and it's a party. I don't think kids notice the coordinated plates, table cloth, etc. My son is happy to choose cake flavor and what decoration he wants on it. Do we appear like parents who are not channelling Martha Stewart? I'm sure we do. Our kid gets a party and it meets minimum standards.

The other parents did not seem to take our doing it differently as a comment on how they do it. Maybe they all thought we are cheap or too poor. We don't judge other parties, or parents, and happily bring presents. lame birthday party giver

I think it is important to determine what your comfort level is with regards to parties and not let others' parties dictate what you do, don't succumb to that peer pressure. Some simply like to and are good at parties. Just because you don't want to do the same does not mean that your child will feel less special about his special day. There are so many ways to make a child feel special on their birthday. I sincerely hope you can find a comfortable balance for you and your child. You don't even NEED gift bags!

Although there is always somebody who outdoes everyone else, basically the kids just want to get together. The minimum is easy enough: juice boxes, cake, ice cream, so it doesn't have to break the bank. I would highly recommend Costco's cakes: they are excellent and inexpensive. I'm a (home) baker myself and my cake bakingteacher recommended them. She was right--my fancier adult cakes were wasted on the kid crowd. Goodie bags can consist of a $2 soap from Bodytime or some such. Limit the time to 90 minutes to 2 hours.

The benefits are many. The kid learns to bring kids to your house,which ultimately as they reach the teens, is desirable. They have to learn to get along in a party situation so it's good for their social skills. You get to know other parents, which always benefits you later on. People I met when my daughter was 2 are still in my circle of friends, available for advice, job help, carpooling, etc. They like to have their special day with their peers.

I think most kids like to conform, and birthday parties are certainly a part of it. If you don't want to do it, how would you answer their questions about why not, since it is so common and usual to want to share the great day.

Believe me, these years go by so quickly. It doesn't last long. Just do it! anon

I have two kids and, while we have parties with their friends, we have taken a different approach. My daughter is in a class where there are five or six kids with birthdays in the same month. We throw a group party. (I think parents love it - one party instead of six.) Also, we ask that there be no gifts. If guests feel strongly about bringing something, we raise money for a charity of the kids' choosing.

Finally, I hate goody bags. They are full of little 'stuff' that kids play with for a minute and then leave all over the house. I think it teaches kids the opposite of appreciation. They think that they're supposed to have lots of junk but that is has no value. Anyway, at the beginning of the school year, I sent an email to all parents asking that we consider just not doing it. Some parents were thrilled and agreed, others didn't reply and continue to do it. I say, stand your ground and do it your way. Need Less!

As I got older, my birthday would mean I could have two friends sleep over instead of just the typical one, and we got to have pizza and maybe ice cream. anon

No, I did not feel left out or deprived about not having yearly birthday parties. It's what parents do throughout the year that matters, not just on one day.

I think my parents approach to birthday parties was one of the things they did that helped me to become a less materialistic person than most people.

I hope you start a trend, because I think Americans waste too much time/energy on obligatory social events. Think about all the industry supported by birthdays, Christmas, weddings, multiple showers, engagement parties (I don't even REMEMBER engagement parties before the 1990's), people throwing THEMSELVES anniversary parties. Party planner/event coordinator didnt even used to BE a job.

If you have your kids' friends over for playdates throughout the year, don't feel OBLIGATED to have a birthday party. You hosted them all through the year, so don't sweat the party. Trust me, as a fellow parent, I WOULD WELCOME fewer birthday parties to jam up our schedule.

Tell your kids that your family chooses to have fun ALL YEAR LONG, not just on ONE day of the year. Happy times and happy memories really don't require a bunch of money and hoo-ha. I think you're going down the right path.

Stick to your guns. Partied Out

As for party favors, my kids and I actually enjoy coming up with things to give the guests that they will really like. We don't give junk (or candy) and the kids all seem to like the things we pick. It's obviously not for everyone, given the many negative comments about gift bags, but it works for us. Small parties for us

Finally, I wanted to comment on the ''keeping up with the Joneses'' aspect of your post. I love giving parties, and have enjoyed hosting some huge, elaborate parties for my kids over the years. I only did them because I truly loved doing them, not to ''outdo'' anyone. Never was there an expectation on my part (or that of my kids) that all parties should be the same, or that friends must somehow reciprocate. If you don't enjoy hosting parties, the stress and resentment you feel will overshadow the joy of the experience for you and your kids. Let go of the guilt, and the resentment towards those who do enjoy having big parties. What's important is that your kids enjoy their special day. A couple of friends and cupcakes in the park can be the best party ever!

Finally, when my kids have large parties, we require that they specify ''no gifts, please'' on the invitation. We have had guests bring checks for Tsunami relief, and cans for the food shelter. We started this when the kids were 6 or so, and could understand that they didn't need all those gifts. They really get into figuring out what charity they want to support. Part of the fun for them of choosing to have a small party is that we allow their friends to bring a gift. Good luck with finding your way. I'm sure you'll figure out a tradition that your whole family can be excited about. Party Mom

We had just 2 parties for our older son. They were both held in the park. We had a picnic (The picnic was much simpler for the second party.), provided some balls to play with, and for the second party had a pinata. The pinata supplied the gift bags and was an activity that the guests all enjoyed, and we also did the book exchange thing. I really like that idea, by the way, but bring some extra books along just in case someone misunderstands or forgets. That way no kid goes home unhappy. I hope I am done with parties for my older son. For his 6th birthday, we took a couple of families to a baseball game. The next year we had dinner at his favorite restaurant with his best friend and cake at home. bagophile

I cannot remember a single birthday party as a child, and it amazes me since I am such a party person now. I sometimes wonder if that is partly the reason. I won't rage at you for being a 'no class hippie', but I do think you should be able to find a way to throw a party that would make your child happy without creating the stress you mention.

First of all, please forget the notion of ''competition to make the party as fun as the friends' parties''. I can truly say there is no such thing. As long as you have kids together to play and eat a little cake, they will have fun. If you are more concerned about what the parents are thinking, then that is a separate issue you need to think about (and it's probably unfair to tie that issue up with your child's birthday.)

I think the idea of the goodie bags was to make it easier for all the little kids to watch the birthday boy/girl open all of his/her presents. I rarely go to parties where presents are opened these days so this isn't much of an issue anymore. So, nix the gift bags if you want to, or come up with one small, inexpensive favor to hand out. (I am someone on the other end of the spectrum--I LOVE hosting parties, and I usually give favors at all of my parties, including adult dinner parties. It's a small token of friendship and festivity I bestow upon my friends.)

I also really enjoy throwing parties for my kids. In fact, we just had one last week for my daughter, replete with theme that was carried out for everything: invitations, lunch for about 35, games and activities, and favors. It was lots of work and a fairly significant expense for our budget, but we had a great time. More importantly, my daughter absolutely loved it and really appreciated it. The reason I say all this is that we enjoy it, and it makes our kids feel special. There's no competition in mind, we don't compare our parties to others', and it seems like the kids that come have as much fun at other parties as they do at ours.

An idea for you--Can you combine the grandparents/cousins thing together in one party with the kids? We have done that for a few years and it's become really fun. The grandparents (and great grandparents) get a kick out of watching the kids be kids. You have more adults around to help out with things. You only need to get one cake, etc. It feels like a big celebration (which it is) so your child can really feel special, if that's what he wants.

Otherwise, just do what many posters suggested and have an afternoon in the park with a few games and cake. Once you do it, I doubt you'll still think it is a big cause for stress.

Good luck and enjoy your son's birthday! Elizabeth