July birthday - who to invite?

I'm wondering how parents of kids with summer birthdays handle the question of whom to invite, especially when your kid doesn't seem to have a lot of super close buddies. My son is in K currently, and while there are a couple of boys he plays with more than others, there isn't any kid who is a 'best' friend, etc. This doesn't seem to bother him, and he does get along with all of the kids in his class, which is great; however, the lack of a core group of buddies means that I'm kind of at a loss as to who to invite to his birthday. In the past we have held small parties for him, with only a couple of playmates and family. This year, however, it seems he does want a larger party. I'm considering inviting all the boys in his class, but I wonder if that would be a little weird, considering that he'll be in a different class next year, with a different mix of kids. Any input from parents who have been in similar situations? Thanks so much in advance. anon

Should we invite the twin too?

Hi, I would like to hear from moms with twins and triplets. What do you think is the correct protocol for birthday parties. I am organizing a birthday party for my daughter, and she wants to invite a friend who has a twin sister (she is not in the same classroom). When I asked my daughter if she wanted to invite her friend's sister, her answer was ''I don't know her''. Do I extend the invitation anyway..? I really don't want to hurt anybody's feelings but at the same time I want my daughter to decide who she wants at her party. S.

Once my kids moved into kindergarten and were in separate classes, it was only natural that they would make friendships with different kids and that one of them would get an invitation that the other wouldn't. It actually gave the uninvited twin a chance to do something fun alone with a parent. Thanks for thinking about it, Rachel

I don't have twins myself, but have several friends who do (including all possible gender combinations, with and without additional siblings, ages from infant to teen), and I assure you none of them would expect both kids to necessarily be invited to every party or playdate that involves one or other. Like any other parent of more than one child, they may find it more difficult to come if siblings aren't included, but it's generally understood that this is up to the host. You're not required or expected to invite siblings with whom your child doesn't have a relationship, whether they're twins or a few years apart.

So do whatever makes sense given the event in question and your child's friendships. You're not violating any rules either way. Holly

My friends without kids want to be invited to 4yo's party

Recently we held my daughter's 4th birthday party. We invited 8 of her best friends (yes, she has a lot of friends for a 4 year old), along with their families, including siblings, so it was a pretty big party already. We wanted to invite more of our friends with kids her age but figured that the party was already too big. But then my friends without kids heard that we had a party and are hurt that they weren't invited. Too late now, but for next year, do I really have to invite all of my adult friends to my kids' parties? Was I being rude or are they being ridiculous? -anon

Next year send out the invitations to the Kid Party to the kids, so it's clear that the kids are the Guests and whatever adults tag along to the Kid Party are just Handlers for the Guests. Activities and food are geared to the Guests. Note that adult food is not served to the Handlers because this is a Kid Party. (It is considered OK for the Handlers to eat scraps of pizza and leftover hot dogs off their Guest's plate at a Kid Party. Handlers may also be offered their own slice of birthday cake, though they may have to eat their cake from their Guest's plate.) I do not believe any reasonable adult would expect to be invited to a Kid Party unaccompanied by a Guest.

Since you seem to have a lot of friends who like your kid, and you are a social person, you also throw a separate party for your friends (both those with kids and without) to celebrate your kids' birthday. At the Friend Party, the adults acquire the status of Guests and kids now resume their traditional, secondary status. The Guests are served grownup beverages such as sparkling water, soda, and wine; and are given food suitable for adults on their own plates. Kids may partake of the Guest food and may receive soda at the discretion of their Guest. One or two food and beverage offerings centered around kid tastes but not totally repellent to Guests should be available (e.g. pizza, cut up vegetables, fruit juice). Cake is made equally available to all. Activities are centered around Guest interests (conversation). At an appropriate stage in the proceedings, kids may be invited to view a kid DVD in a separate room.

Having the separate Friend Party is a really good way to prepare for the next problem on the horizon: where you and your friends expect your kid to invite your friends' kids to be Guests at the Kid Party, but your kid doesn't go to school with your friends' kids and doesn't really like them. Your friends will be having more fun as a Guest at the Friend Party than they are having as a Handler at the Kid Party so they won't be upset in the slightest when you tell them that this years' Kid Party is not a Kid Party but a Classmate Party, and you can't wait to see them and their kid at the Friend Party. Good luck!

Our childless friends have been such an integral and important part of our son's upbringing. Many of them we even honor on mother's day and father's day with a little note or gift because they do play a role in ''parenting'' with us. Our son feels loved, and we as parents feel supported. So yes, when we are celebrating my son's birth, of course they are part of that. It wouldn't be the same without them.

Birthday parties aside, what your friends are saying is that your kid is important to them and they want to share in celebrations of his/her life. If you choose to see that as ridiculous, then I think you and your child care missing out. GNG

Not inviting neighbor to daughter's birthday party

My daughter will be turning 12 in a few weeks. She does not want to invite a girl who lives across the street to her party. The mother and I are good friends and we carpool together. The daughter has said some mean things to my daughter and my daughter doesn't really hang out with her at school although they do carpool together and have almost every class together. My daughter's friends find this neighbor very annoying and mean too. I actually find her very annoying as well. The problem is that neither my daughter or I want to hurt this little girl's feelings but my daughter really doesn't want to have her at her birthday party. I'm not sure what to do. She has gone to every other birthday party my daughter has had (always with the same dilemma) and my daughter has always been invited her hers. If we don't invite her what do I say to the mother, if anything? What does my daughter say when the neighbor asks if she is having a birthday party? I understand that in life we must do things sometimes that we don't want to do but this is my daughter's birthday...her day. What to do??? Torn Mom

I would be very sad today if my mother had allowed me to do anything that would have truly ruin that friendship, even because of very large differences between us at the time. Just something to think about

It would have been nice if the parents had had a good relationship, as you seem to, to talk over with the other parents what is going on, and work as a team on how to handle it. As it was, it caught us by surprise, and made it worse. My son, bless his heart, poked his head over the fence and said very politely,"Hi Joey, looks like a nice party. Happy Birthday" Then there was an awkward silence and Joey and his parents looked like real creeps in front of all their guests. Then we took our son out for the rest of the day when we had important things to do at home, when we could have organized our weekend easily to be away for most of the party time had we known about the party in advance. It severed any possibility of a future good neighbor relationship. been on the other side of the fence

None of the toddlers can come - should I reschedule?

I've sent out invites for my son's birthday. Good news is that many of the invitees can join (family members and friends). The bad news is that none of the parents with kids can attend due to various conflicts. I'm wondering if I should reschedule for another time, when at least a couple of the kids can join, or if I should stick to the date and have a toddler party without any toddlers? Any thoughts? bday mom

Invite the whole pre-K class?

My four year old daughter is in a pre-k class of about twenty kids, and we will be having a party for her fifth birthday. Last year we invited the whole class (she was in preschool at the same place) plus some playgroup friends and neighborhood playmates, and ended up with almost thirty kids (thankfully not at our home, haha) AND we also ended up with almost thirty gifts, of course. My husband, who is anti-clutter and constantly bothered by all the mess that goes with kids who play at home a lot, was beside himself and wants to note on the invites this year ''no gifts'' -- I would rather get them and then either donate or recycle some things that are not up her alley -- he also wants to pare down the list and not have the whole class but I feel funny not including all the children, even if I mail the invites instead of putting them in cubbies at school (I would mail them anyway) -- I know there have been a few parties that my child has not been invited to, and I admit that it has bothered me, although I don't think it did her. At this age I don't think that kids should have the option of ruling anyone out -- I think that parents can decline the invite if they feel that their child is not compatible with the birthday child, etc. I would love to give my daughter a fun party with all her playmates and not worry about excluding anyone or having too many toys in the living room. Anyone have thoughts on any of this? party softie

Or, you can cut the guest list way back. If you do this, you must mail or personally deliver the invitations to the guests' homes. It doesn't hurt to tell the parents of the invitees that not everyone in class is invited so maybe they can talk to their kids about not discussing the party at school. And be sure to instruct your child on this too. Kids loooove to talk about their birthday parties at that age, so be sure you child understands that she could be hurting the feelings of other kids in the class if she does so.

We always just opted for the big blow-out parties with 25 or so kids at that age. We gave our kids the big parties at ages 4,5, and 6, then we started really scaling back at age 7 when their friendships start to become more selective anyway anon

Some kids are very social, though, and do enjoy having the entire class attend their birthday party, so there's nothing inherently wrong with that (as long as parents of invited guests respond to RSVPs--ahem!). My son has received invitations to whole-class birthday parties requesting ''no gifts'', and this has been totally OK with us. Other ideas--request each kid bring a new or gently used toy or book in lieu of a gift to collectively donate to a charity in the birthday child's name; or have each kid bring some material to contribute to an art project (like a quilt or something) that they can all assemble at the party--their collective ''gift'' to the birthday child.

After the party is over and the guests have gone home, present your child one really cool gift she has been asking for her birthday Anti-clutter

Our formula is age of child +1 or 2 = number of guests. It can be overwhelming for a young kid to have so many guests and so many presents. Not to mention expensive! Advantages: The birthday kid gets more attention if there are fewer kids, the line or wait for games, pinata, etc. is shorter, each kid gets more turns, gifts are more meaningful when you can remember who gave them to you, and a child of this age is better equipped to write a half-dozen thank-you notes than 20 or 30. Plus, at this age, and with a small number of kids, you can sort of rig any games so everyone wins something.

Some options to inviting the whole class might be to invite just the girls (or boys as the case may be), or mostly neighborhood friends + 1 or 2 from school. Feelings of being left out come up if it is widely talked about and all the kids with the exception of a few are invited. Boys not invited to a girls party probably won't feel left out, and vice versa. If only a couple from the class are invited, there's less talk about it, and it gives an opportunity to teach sensitivity (i.e. not bragging about the party and who's invited).

I'm looking forward to reading your other responses. I, too, love hosting the kids birthday parties,and agree that hurt feelings are no good, but I can't help feeling that many birthday parties are a bit over the top these days -Keeping it small and sane

The real issue here isn't whether inviting the whole class is ''right'' or not -- there is no etiquette rule on the subject, except that one shouldn't exclude a small minority. In other words, inviting the whole class is fine, inviting all the girls but no boys is fine, inviting all the 5-year-olds but not the 3- year-olds is fine, inviting 3 people is fine. The only thing that isn't fine is inviting the whole class EXCEPT for 3 people.

The real issue is that you and your husband have a conflict about what sort of party fits into your life. And nobody can resolve that conflict except you and your husband. (And by the way, what does your daughter prefer? I think she's old enough to express her wishes and have them respected, to the extent you are able. My own son, at the same age, agreed that a smaller party than he'd previously had would be good, and afterwards we had an interesting conversation about how that had been better in some ways and worse in other ways than a bigger party.) Donating ''excess'' gifts sounds like the sort of compromise that should work, but apparently that isn't the whole story for your husband. Is he concerned about the expense? Is he afraid of the amount of work involved? Or is he just the sort of person who doesn't LIKE big parties? If you can figure out what the real issues are, you should be able to find a solution that will satisfy everyone. Good luck! Holly

Ask to bring cupcakes (or whatever) to pre-school for your child's birthday. Your child will feel special, and no one is left out --- but no one is obligated to come up with a gift or a reciprocal party invitation.

Then, separately, I'd host a birthday party for no more than 4 or 5 of his friends, whether pre-K or other. Presents he receives at the party are from kids who are actually his favorite friends, and the party is more fun.

At his age I would still invite the parents to attend the party, too, or at the very least be sure my husband was there to help herd little boys, etc.

I also learned from a child this age that the best party entertainment ever was cardboard boxes left from a recent move -- not the coy little beanbags and fishing rods I'd lovingly made for the occasion. It was hard to be grown up enough to give up my vision of what my child's party would be like... but boy did we have fun! Heather

Every child brings a wrapped book. At the end of the party, each child gets to choose a book. Everyone gets a gift - and no gift bags needed! We then followup with a small party at home for family and close friends. The birthday child gets more than enough gifts then

Possible Tension between Birthday Party Guests

My daughter's third birthday is quickly approaching. In the past our celebrations have only included her small extended family (grandparents and a few uncles and aunts), but this year we would like to invite several of her friends to the party. Unlike my daughter, about half of these friends have two-mommy or two-daddy families. My husband's parents, who live in a small town within driving distance of the Bay Area, have made many comments over the years that clearly show their discomfort/unfamiliarity with gay and lesbian people. We don't think that they would be likely to make such comments in front of our friends, but we are worried about how they might react when they ask a partygoer what her husband does for a living, for example, only to hear her reply, ''she's a teacher,'' and we worry that their reaction might make our friends uncomfortable in turn. (What we expect, based on past situations when the grandparents have felt uncomfortable, is whispering, staring, and general clamming up rather than overt hostility). I don't think that a prior warning to the grandparents will help, because they will attend in any case and then will know exactly who to whisper about and stare at. And because we don't know precisely how they will react, I feel like we would be putting our guests in the position of acting as unwitting social guinea pigs. The only solution that has occurred to me is to throw two separate birthday parties, one for family and the other for friends, but I dread doing all the extra work, and I think my daughter would enjoy seeing all of her loved ones at the same party. Has anyone else faced a similiar situation? Is there an obvious solution here that I've overlooked? A Hostess and a Cupcake

Since that time she has mentioned Sam again (I think she may have a little crush on him!) & has said things like ''your friend you claim is gay'' but when I say ''Mom, he IS gay'' she will again remark that she didn't know gay people could be so nice and normal.

I think it was a great experience overall! And lest you think Sam and Mark were offended, no. Sam gets a kick out of hearing what my mom says and is always asking about her. (She really is a kind and sweet person, just sheltered.)

To answer your specific question: If your relatives are of my mom's generation, raised with more emphasis on politeness than ours, if a child answers ''I don't have a daddy, I have two mommies,'' they will probably get a little uncomfortable but won't make a scene. I think it's a really great experience for homophobic people to experience normal gay people in their everyday lives, rather than just what they see on the TV news coverage of Halloween in the Castro. I hope you have a really fun party. F.H.

I think you should give your parents a heads up, so they are not too surprised in the case you suggested (''What does your husband do?'' ''SHE is a teacher''). I am sure your friends have dealt with such situations before and will be able to cope. If, worse case, it freaks your parents out too much to even talk to gay people, they can just talk to the straight couples they see and no one will notice. I hope that everyone will be pleasantly surprised--you with your parents behavior and your parents with the normalness of your gay friends. Finally, homophobia is a lot like racism. Would you even be contemplating having separate parties if your parents were racist and half your friends were of another race? I Half my best friends are gay

As far as your concern about the discomfort of your gay and lesbian guests, I applaud you for your concern however you can not make homophobia and heterosexism go away just like that. I wish that it was that easy. Many of us who are gay or lesbian, bi, trans or queer have had enough to deal with and more than likely your parents comments will be just one more. Right now, it sounds to me that you are the one who is stressing out more than necessary.

You can not control your parents thoughts and hence, homophobia. You can not control your friends. You are not your parents and your parents are not you. You welcome your daughter's friends.

So, here are some questions for you. What values do you want your daughter to have? What kind of person do you want to be? What can you do to have a pleasant party? What can you do to take care of yourself?
Here and Queer

The only thing I would caution against is prepping your friends about your bigoted family members. I did this, with the best of intentions, but it was a mistake. It resulted in my best friend always feeling anxious about coming over when my mom is here, even though my mother has never said anything mean to my friends. So it would have been better to just let things flow. My advice is: assume the best, and there is a pretty good chance that the best will happen!

Invite uncle to 2-year-old's birthday party?

My almost 2 y.o. daughter is starting to have some serious stranger anxiety, but is particularly scared of one of her uncles. She cries in holy terror whenever he's around (which is not often--though I have tried to make it so) and burries her face in my shoulder as to not look at him. She wont let me go back into the room if he is there. He's just not a very ''warm and fuzzy'' guy and doesn't really know how to identify with children. His eyes bulge a little, as well, which I think contirbutes to the situation, but of course there is nothing I can do about this. I don't know what to do. Her 2nd birthday is coming up and I am afraid she will cry the whole time if he is there, but of course a cannot not invite him... I've tried showing her pictures of the two of them when she was younger to show her that she wasn't always afraid of him but that doesn't seem to help....the weird thing is she talks about him like she does anyone else when he's not around.... I am running out of time and can't think of anything else to make him seem less scary to her....any advice would be greatly appreciated. scared of no solution!

Only friend invited to party going to music class instead

My daughters (twins) are turning 3 next week. We had planned a small party, inviting only people they know and love well. The list is short: four adult friends, one toddler and that toddler's parents (seven in all). Since there are so few guests, we planned the party on a day when everyone could come, making many calls to co-ordinate the date. It's been set for over a week, and the girls are eagerly anticipating the event (we make an ex on the calendar at the end of each day so they can "watch" the day getting closer).

Today I received a call from the toddler pal's mom, saying they will be at a music class that day and will only be able to attend the party during the final 20 or 30 minutes. She knows she has cut the guest list in half by bowing out. I'm sure we'll have lots of fun anyway, but I'm disappointed by this, and even confused.

Friendship is tricky. I mean, if this were family, I'd tell them off and know we'd still be stuck with each other. But how much can you reasonably expect of your friends? I don't think I'm going to be able to just shine this on, but isn't "saying something" counterproductive? After all, if your friends don't treat you as if you matter to them, telling them they should probably won't help. It's a bind though: either way, the friendship seems doomed. Any advice?

Sign me: Birthday Bummer

It should have been possible when she called to mention that her child is THE honored guest, and that you could have had the party a different time if she told you it was inconvenient for her. Now I'd just wait till she arrives at the party and tell her the same thing. You may find that you are better friends for clearing the air.

I've been on both sides of something like this... and ended up disappointed with myself both times, for not doing the right thing... Heather

Forget about chastising your friend. Your priority should be to ensure your daughters have a great time. If this friend shows up at all, I would not change your schedule. If some activity is already in progress when she arrives, she'll just have to wait (as will her child) until the activity is completed. It isn't fair to the other children to make them start over again.

I say this only because at one of my child's parties, a guest didn't show up until five minutes before the party was to end. This guest wanted tokens for games and cake and pizza and I could not believe how rude they were about it. I had to explain to the child (and the parent) that we already finished eating and everything had already been cleaned up. We were in the process of cleaning up after opening presents when they arrived. Everyone else was getting ready to go home. I had no intention of babysitting this child for a couple of hours when the party was already over. My husband had to insist that the parent not leave their child with us. Another reason I don't invite the entire class anymore, only children whose parents I have met and know.

Children's parties should be fun and stress-free. Enjoy your daughter's party and forget about the friend for now. There are more important things for you to concentrate on.

Marianne

Not invited to birthday parties

When my 6-year-old daughter had her birthday, we invited everyone in her class, so that no one would feel left out. However, it seems that not all the other parents try to be fair like this. My daughter has only been invited to about 60% of the other childrens' birthday parties. These children are handing out invitations at school, and talking about thier parties, even though there are children who have not been invited. This really hurts my daughter's feelings. I know that she is well-liked by all the children, so it is not a question of them not liking her. I don't know what to say to her when she comes home crying about a party she didn't get invited to. Help!

At my daughter's preschool, the rule is that no one talks about birthday parties at school, 'cuz someone may feel sad about being left out.

Perhaps you and your daughter would feel less consternation if you made your own parties smaller and focus on enjoying the company of a few close friends. anonymous

However, since you state that the problem isn't just that your child isn't being invited by everyone that you invited to her party, but that most of the other kids are invited, and she is left out, perhaps this issue is something you could bring up with your child's school, to see if they have a policy about birthday parties. The guidelines at my daughters' school (Windrush) is that birthday parties invitations should go to:
- The whole class, OR
- all the girls, OR
- all the boys, OR
- no more than half the class

In a class of 16 kids, you could then invite all 16, or all 8 boys, or all 8 girls, or 8 assorted kids, but not 12 kids invited and 4 left out. Furthermore, birthday parties are not considered an appropriate topic of conversation in the classroom. My daughters' preschool had the same guidelines and the kids had no problem adhering to them.

Meanwhile, you say that most of the kids like her, and she's been invited to about 60% of the parties. Those are pretty good numbers - I personally wouldn't expend too much energy on worrying on the few parties she'd missed, unless your child is genuinely upset.

As to what to say to your child, you could simply say that the other families decided to have smaller parties and couldn't invite everyone. Since you don't think she's being excluded for a reason, that's really all you can say to her. But meanwhile, consider a talk with the school or teacher, as long as you are sure of your facts, and it's not just that you might be subconsciously expecting everyone to have a 16 child party.

I personally look forward to the day when kids have smaller birthday parties and there are fewer piles of presents for kids who already have so much stuff! But then, I'm the Grinch!

Best wishes,

Natasha B

Is 5-year-old obligated to invite those who invited him?

Our son's fifth birthday is fast approaching. Each year, we've been invited to the birthday party of another child who we see occasionally but who our son is not all that interested in. And we've always invited that child to our parties. This year, howver, our son insists he doesn't want to invite that child to his party. It seems rather like a social obligation already, that we're kind of expected to invite each other (and attend) the respective parties. Should we go ahead and issue the invitation and hope our son will be polite about it? (I know I can't count on that.) Or just not invite him and hope I don't have to explain? Or be more straightforward with the mother, whom I like, and explain something about it being a small party this year, etc. etc.? Any suggestions will be gratefully received. Thanks in advance.

First you need to think about the messages that your son would get if you do not invite this long term friend, whom he is not so found of, but it seems like the families like each other. I think you need to give him the message that the way to create a community is not to cast aside the individuals you don't get along with. He has known this other boy for many years and he has come to every birthday party, this should count for something. Your son's individual rights will respected if he is involved in this decision as much as possible, but that he should be given clear guidelines for what might be your decision and what might be his.

When children are given a choice to invite, say, only three children for their birthday, I think they should have full control. But if it is a big celebration, being choosy and disregarding family connections is actually very selfish.

I hope you make the right choice, and I hope you can openly talk to your son about the feelings of sadness that exclusion might incur in others.