Berkeley Parents Network: Who to Invite to Birthday Parties

Berkeley Parents Network

Who to Invite to Birthday Parties

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > Birthdays > Who to Invite to Birthday Parties

Invite the whole pre-K class? Too many gifts!
Invite "scary" uncle to 2-year-old's birthday party?
Only friend invited to party going to music class instead
Not invited to birthday parties
Is 5-year-old obligated to invite those who invited him?
Grandma opposed to 6 yr.old boy's Princess B-Day - uninvite her?
see also: Invitation Etiquette

Invite the whole pre-K class? Too many gifts!

Sept 2006

My four year old daughter is in a pre-k class of about twenty kids, and we will be having a party for her fifth birthday. Last year we invited the whole class (she was in preschool at the same place) plus some playgroup friends and neighborhood playmates, and ended up with almost thirty kids (thankfully not at our home, haha) AND we also ended up with almost thirty gifts, of course. My husband, who is anti-clutter and constantly bothered by all the mess that goes with kids who play at home a lot, was beside himself and wants to note on the invites this year ''no gifts'' -- I would rather get them and then either donate or recycle some things that are not up her alley -- he also wants to pare down the list and not have the whole class but I feel funny not including all the children, even if I mail the invites instead of putting them in cubbies at school (I would mail them anyway) -- I know there have been a few parties that my child has not been invited to, and I admit that it has bothered me, although I don't think it did her. At this age I don't think that kids should have the option of ruling anyone out -- I think that parents can decline the invite if they feel that their child is not compatible with the birthday child, etc. I would love to give my daughter a fun party with all her playmates and not worry about excluding anyone or having too many toys in the living room. Anyone have thoughts on any of this? party softie

Dear Party Softie, That is WAY too many kids for a child that age to have at a party. Talk about overwhelming. I think it's suggested by early childhood professionals to invite the number of children per years old of the host. So, this would mean having her pick five of her closest friends. And, if you do feel the need to have 30 kids, it's kind of rude to recycle or donate the gifts that people took time to pick out for your child. Your husband's suggestion is a good one. Another good idea is having people bring a wrapped book each and then have each of them take one home to keep for themselves. I'm sure you and your family get your daughter enough gifts to keep her happy. -Keep it simple

If you want to invite the whole class, you can opt to do a book exchange, in which each child (including the birthday kid) brings a gift-wrapped book. At the end of the party, each child selects a book to take home. Or you could ask for a toy to donate to toys for tots, which you can save until holiday time.

Or, you can cut the guest list way back. If you do this, you must mail or personally deliver the invitations to the guests' homes. It doesn't hurt to tell the parents of the invitees that not everyone in class is invited so maybe they can talk to their kids about not discussing the party at school. And be sure to instruct your child on this too. Kids loooove to talk about their birthday parties at that age, so be sure you child understands that she could be hurting the feelings of other kids in the class if she does so.

We always just opted for the big blow-out parties with 25 or so kids at that age. We gave our kids the big parties at ages 4,5, and 6, then we started really scaling back at age 7 when their friendships start to become more selective anyway anon

Why not invite just his best friends plus the kids from play group and have a ''party'' at the pre-K for all the kids there. Talk to the teachers but at my daughter's schools you can bring cupcakes the day of the BD and everyone sings happy birthday and celebrates. That way you don't have to worry about gifts either marga

My husband also hates the clutter of many gifts. For my daughter's upcoming 9th birthday party, we are trying something new: a grab bag. Each child brings a modest, wrapped gift; towards the end of the party, instead of a goodie bag, each child gets one of the grab bag gifts. Our neighbor did this with great success and I've decided that it is the only way to go when you have a big party Ann

How about this. Have a birthday party in a local park. Make it a potluck & invite everybody. That takes care of the space, clutter & clean up issues (other than cleaning up your picnic) and there's automatically stuff to do- kids never tire of swings and jungle gyms. Also I've observed presents are less of an issue if there is some fun craft activity or such that everyone can do Room for everybody.

We went to a party years ago that stands out as one of the best we've attended. It was held at the Marine Mammal Rescue Center in the Marin Headlands, and the invitation said ''DON'T buy any present but please bring the money you would have spent on the present to the party in cash or a check.'' Then, the kids got a wonderful tour of the facilities and they saw where their money went -- surgery on an injured sea lion or medication for a sick sea otter. And they even got to see a recuperated sea lion released into the ocean (I think that it not an everyday occurrence so don't tell the kids to expect it.) My kids still talk about that day years later. Hope your party is fun! ''No More Presents'' Mom

In the past, we've had both large and small parties for our kids. When it has been a handful of kids, we allow presents. When there are more than a certain number of kids, we ask invitees to bring a book (wrapped, of course) for a book exchange. (We have also been to a birthday party where everyone brought a present but then got to leave with a present.) The birthday child gets to distribute the books/presents. Our kids have never noticed that they didn't get a mountain of presents -- having the party itself is exciting enough. Of course, the kids at the party absolutely love it and we are always relieved not to have to bring in a ton of new toys into our house Hope this Helps

For my son's 4th birthday, we invited his entire preschool class and some of our friends to his party. I, too, hate to leave anyone out. On the invitations sent to his classmates, we requested that they donate a book to the school instead of bringing a gift. At the time, my son spent more waking time at school than home, so it was a gift that both he and his classmates could enjoy. We put no such request on the invites to our friends, so he had a few gifts to open after the party, not to mention all the gifts from grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. It worked really well. One or two people seemed embarassed upon seeing some gifts not to have brought a gift to the party, but once I explained what we had done, it was fine Susan

We too limit the number of guests our son can invite to his birthday parties, partly with my own ulterior motive of controlling the clutter that accompanies the deluge of birthday gifts if his entire class were invited to the party. (We don't explain it to my son that way, though, we just emphasize the positive of being able to give full attention to a handful of guests at the party.)

Some kids are very social, though, and do enjoy having the entire class attend their birthday party, so there's nothing inherently wrong with that (as long as parents of invited guests respond to RSVPs--ahem!). My son has received invitations to whole-class birthday parties requesting ''no gifts'', and this has been totally OK with us. Other ideas--request each kid bring a new or gently used toy or book in lieu of a gift to collectively donate to a charity in the birthday child's name; or have each kid bring some material to contribute to an art project (like a quilt or something) that they can all assemble at the party--their collective ''gift'' to the birthday child.

After the party is over and the guests have gone home, present your child one really cool gift she has been asking for her birthday Anti-clutter

well, I am in the same situation. Here are a few thoughts on the various things you asked: As for gifts, I can understand your husband's perspective and yours. Everyone WANTS to bring a gift to a birthday party, that is a part of our social custom. I know when I have been asked to not bring a gift, I feel awkward about honoring the request. Usually I will bring some flowers or something from our garden so as to not go ''empty-handed'' - but in years past I have put on my daughters invitation ''Gifts are unnecessary, but if you feel you must, books are always welcome...'' There may be such a thing as too much clutter/toys but who has ever complained about too big a library??!! This way, your daughter gets something to open, people get to bring a gift which makes them feel good, and no clutter is created by unwanted toys. It is also a nice message about the importance of literature...(and books are easy to exchange if you get any duplicates). As for inviting the whole class, your daughter is old enough to choose who she would like to invite - at almost five she is probably choosing her own friends and making her own connections. It is a good opportunity to teach some social skills - ''if you accept an invitation to someone else's party, then it is appropriate to invite them to yours...'' I understand about not wanting kids to feel left out but these are the realities of life and knowing how to deal with being ''left out'' is more valuable than getting disingenuously invited and disingenuously attending everything in order to prevent the inevitable... It's a tough one, good luck! anon

20-30 kids sounds like a LOT!

Our formula is age of child +1 or 2 = number of guests. It can be overwhelming for a young kid to have so many guests and so many presents. Not to mention expensive! Advantages: The birthday kid gets more attention if there are fewer kids, the line or wait for games, pinata, etc. is shorter, each kid gets more turns, gifts are more meaningful when you can remember who gave them to you, and a child of this age is better equipped to write a half-dozen thank-you notes than 20 or 30. Plus, at this age, and with a small number of kids, you can sort of rig any games so everyone wins something.

Some options to inviting the whole class might be to invite just the girls (or boys as the case may be), or mostly neighborhood friends + 1 or 2 from school. Feelings of being left out come up if it is widely talked about and all the kids with the exception of a few are invited. Boys not invited to a girls party probably won't feel left out, and vice versa. If only a couple from the class are invited, there's less talk about it, and it gives an opportunity to teach sensitivity (i.e. not bragging about the party and who's invited).

I'm looking forward to reading your other responses. I, too, love hosting the kids birthday parties,and agree that hurt feelings are no good, but I can't help feeling that many birthday parties are a bit over the top these days -Keeping it small and sane

You are right on to take the initiative to invite the whole class. It is simply the nice thing to do, and we are all trying to raise nice kids, right? Excluding a few kids just feels yucky. anon

My almost 4 year old has been going to the same daycare/pre- school since he was 6 months old. No one there does the invite the whole class party thing, especially now that they are older and definately have a core group of friends they always play with. I'm not insulted when he isn't invited to a party, especially if it's for a kid he doesn't play with. I don't need to be spending money on a gift and 1/2 a precious weekend day for a kid my son isn't friends with. It's not fair to expect our kids to get along with everyone and be friends with everyone just because they're in the same class, as we don't hold ourselves to that same standard either. At my work when someone gets married or has a party, they just invite their close workmates and not the 20 plus people in the department. So I always just invite the 3 or 4 kids that my son always talks about playing with, plus our neighborhood/mom's group friends. That way we can do a nice party that isn't a total stress for me, give out a nice gift bag with a decent present instead of a bunch of cheap stuff and the kids can actually interact with each other instead of being in total chaos anon

Do a book swap; have everyone bring a wrapped book and every kid takes one home Anne

My son's preschool had a policy that if one classmate was invited, all should be. My son has a winter birthday that made that really difficult, as we don't have a large space in our home to accomodate so many kids, and the park in December was not an option. I, like you, had all kinds of social angst about leaving anyone out, but in retrospect I honestly think the parents cared more than the kids about not being invited. And I cared more than my son when people simply didn't show up or respond to the invitation at all. In the end, there were almost 20 parties of 20 kids over the year, and we all had burn out. Many families spent oodles of money renting spots for parties. So, if you have a choice, I'd strongly suggest you make the party for the one person you're celebrating-- your daughter-- and make it as she would like it to be. reformed party momma

My mother had a rule that the number of children invited to a party was equal to their *new* age -- i.e. a 5 year old gets to have 5 guests. I know, it sounds like a tiny party, but it makes sense because kids really don't need to have a zillion presents, and having fewer kids make it possible for them to play together without a lot of drama. Also, it makes giving the party a lot easier, and you can spend a bit more to make it special. If you're determined to invite a whole gaggle of kids, I'd suggest having a park party, so that there's lots of room and invite parents, too, so that there's adequate parental coverage. Oh, and if you do decide to keep it small, make sure you mail the invites (as you said you would), rather than bring them to school. You don't want to hurt anybody's feelings! I can't imagine having 30 kids at a party for such a young person! Yikes! Anon

The whole birthday party thing is so tricky, I'm curious to hear what other parents have to say. I would suggest either inviting the whole class and saying either ''your presence is your present'', ''no gifts please'' or ''small or handmade gifts only please'' on the invitation. It might feel awkward but I am relieved when I receive such an invitation. Or you could invite a small (4-5) group to the party, although it does get into the picking and choosing thing for your kid. Either way I would put the focus on something other than the gifts. anon

Well, I'm in your camp: It's more fun to invite lots of people and receive lots of gifts. (And I always have the parties in my own home, too!) But that doesn't help, because I'm not married to you!

The real issue here isn't whether inviting the whole class is ''right'' or not -- there is no etiquette rule on the subject, except that one shouldn't exclude a small minority. In other words, inviting the whole class is fine, inviting all the girls but no boys is fine, inviting all the 5-year-olds but not the 3- year-olds is fine, inviting 3 people is fine. The only thing that isn't fine is inviting the whole class EXCEPT for 3 people.

The real issue is that you and your husband have a conflict about what sort of party fits into your life. And nobody can resolve that conflict except you and your husband. (And by the way, what does your daughter prefer? I think she's old enough to express her wishes and have them respected, to the extent you are able. My own son, at the same age, agreed that a smaller party than he'd previously had would be good, and afterwards we had an interesting conversation about how that had been better in some ways and worse in other ways than a bigger party.) Donating ''excess'' gifts sounds like the sort of compromise that should work, but apparently that isn't the whole story for your husband. Is he concerned about the expense? Is he afraid of the amount of work involved? Or is he just the sort of person who doesn't LIKE big parties? If you can figure out what the real issues are, you should be able to find a solution that will satisfy everyone. Good luck! Holly

I am, like your husband, anti-clutter. When we had a birthday party for my son I asked on the invites for guests to bring one gift wrapped book for a book exchange. We wrapped and couple of books my son picked out and for the party we put them all into a basket. then He got to distribute a book to each child during the party. no gift bags and no pile of toys. we had a great time. By the way, I got the book idea from BPN. check out the archives pro-party, anti-clutter

Here's a hybrid solution for you -- its what I have done in the past (and will do again in a couple of months):

Ask to bring cupcakes (or whatever) to pre-school for your child's birthday. Your child will feel special, and no one is left out --- but no one is obligated to come up with a gift or a reciprocal party invitation.

Then, separately, I'd host a birthday party for no more than 4 or 5 of his friends, whether pre-K or other. Presents he receives at the party are from kids who are actually his favorite friends, and the party is more fun.

At his age I would still invite the parents to attend the party, too, or at the very least be sure my husband was there to help herd little boys, etc.

I also learned from a child this age that the best party entertainment ever was cardboard boxes left from a recent move -- not the coy little beanbags and fishing rods I'd lovingly made for the occasion. It was hard to be grown up enough to give up my vision of what my child's party would be like... but boy did we have fun! Heather

I agree that it's rude not to invite the entire class - but there are a few things you might be able to do. You could only invite the girls (I think you referred to a daughter), but they're probably a little young for that. You could also throw a 'group' party with other kids in the class that have a birthday the same month. I've always done that with my kids and it works out great. Your kids get a party and you get to share the expense. Instead of gifts, we do a book exchange.

Every child brings a wrapped book. At the end of the party, each child gets to choose a book. Everyone gets a gift - and no gift bags needed! We then followup with a small party at home for family and close friends. The birthday child gets more than enough gifts then

Invite uncle to 2-year-old's birthday party?

July 2003

My almost 2 y.o. daughter is starting to have some serious stranger anxiety, but is particularly scared of one of her uncles. She cries in holy terror whenever he's around (which is not often--though I have tried to make it so) and burries her face in my shoulder as to not look at him. She wont let me go back into the room if he is there. He's just not a very ''warm and fuzzy'' guy and doesn't really know how to identify with children. His eyes bulge a little, as well, which I think contirbutes to the situation, but of course there is nothing I can do about this. I don't know what to do. Her 2nd birthday is coming up and I am afraid she will cry the whole time if he is there, but of course a cannot not invite him... I've tried showing her pictures of the two of them when she was younger to show her that she wasn't always afraid of him but that doesn't seem to help....the weird thing is she talks about him like she does anyone else when he's not around.... I am running out of time and can't think of anything else to make him seem less scary to her....any advice would be greatly appreciated. scared of no solution!

It makes sense to invite only families or adults who have children to a two year old's party. (except of course for grandma or other persons to who she is close to in her daily life) People who have not had children, or who feel uncomfortable with young children, tend to feel overwhelmed in parties where there are lots of kids running around. You may have to be crafty so as to not hurt his feelings but he might be relieved to not have to come. anon

hi, I think from the time a child is born he/she responds to things they sense and know things that even we don't. The fact that your child is afraid of this uncle I think shows that there is something that bothers your little one about him. So my suggestion is to be sensitive to your child and not invite him to a party that is for her. I think your first and only real obligation is to your child not to this relative. It's not going to make anyone happy if the birthday girl is in tears. Your little girl is telling you what to do so just listen to her heart. believer in child senses

This is not to address whether or not you should invite your uncle (it doesn't seem worth ruining the party for her) but I did want to stick up for the man. My nephew went through a phase at about the same age that he was utterly terrified of any man with blonde hair. I can say with 100% confidence that he had never been alone with a blonde man so nothing bad had ever happened to him. It passed with repeated exposure to blonde men. I have had friends with similar experiences with their kids. I am not saying that children's intuition should be ignored, just that sometimes they have fears that have absolutely nothing to do with the person they are afraid of. Elizabeth

Only friend invited to party going to music class instead

Jan 2002

My daughters (twins) are turning 3 next week. We had planned a small party, inviting only people they know and love well. The list is short: four adult friends, one toddler and that toddler's parents (seven in all). Since there are so few guests, we planned the party on a day when everyone could come, making many calls to co-ordinate the date. It's been set for over a week, and the girls are eagerly anticipating the event (we make an ex on the calendar at the end of each day so they can "watch" the day getting closer).

Today I received a call from the toddler pal's mom, saying they will be at a music class that day and will only be able to attend the party during the final 20 or 30 minutes. She knows she has cut the guest list in half by bowing out. I'm sure we'll have lots of fun anyway, but I'm disappointed by this, and even confused.

Friendship is tricky. I mean, if this were family, I'd tell them off and know we'd still be stuck with each other. But how much can you reasonably expect of your friends? I don't think I'm going to be able to just shine this on, but isn't "saying something" counterproductive? After all, if your friends don't treat you as if you matter to them, telling them they should probably won't help. It's a bind though: either way, the friendship seems doomed. Any advice?

Sign me: Birthday Bummer

While the friendship may or may not be doomed, I think you owe it to yourself and your friend to tell her how her decision to skip the party makes you feel. This does not mean telling her off; it means telling her that it makes you feel as though your friendship doesn't matter, that makes you sad because you thought that you had more of a friendship there, or whatever. If I were you, I would try not to be accusational because you have an opportunity to find out how you also might have contributed to the strain in the friendship. If nothing else, your future friendships will be stronger. Good luck!

If you truly feel that you can not condone what your friend has done and that your friendship is doomed if you don't tell her so, then you lose nothing by trying to talk to her about it. Perhaps she just doesn't realize how important this is to you. If she really doesn't care, then there isn't much you can do, but I think you should at least give it a chance. If you give her the benefit of the doubt, and gently explain how important this is to you, she may change her mind. In any case, try to have fun at the party and look forward to it anyway, because your daughters will be excited in any case and 4 guests is still plenty. It's their big day, and whether they celebrate with 4 or 7, they'll enjoy it if you do! Ziz

A couple of years ago, a friend offered me comp. tickets to a show, and I admit it, I was lazy, late, and not very thoughtful when it came to the effort she put forth. But my friend turned out to be very direct: she told me that she had gone to a lot trouble for me, and my that thoughtlessness was a problem. She was right. And while it hurt to hear it, I was glad to hear it. In fact, I think it drew us closer. Certainly made me want to be more reliable in the future. So I say tell your friend about the problem she has created with the music class. tell her how important it is to you and your child that she and her child come to the party for the whole time. Don't let it be a stumbling block in the friendship. Rather, try to let it be a way for both of you to be better friends. --anon.

I'm a bit confused that you would consider a person with whom you can't be honest "a friend". I guess its tricky because her child might be your kids' friend, but I would urge you to be honest with her. Otherwise you will find things become more and more strained.

It should have been possible when she called to mention that her child is THE honored guest, and that you could have had the party a different time if she told you it was inconvenient for her. Now I'd just wait till she arrives at the party and tell her the same thing. You may find that you are better friends for clearing the air.

I've been on both sides of something like this... and ended up disappointed with myself both times, for not doing the right thing... Heather

We had this kind of adult party when my kid was 1 year old. I am surprised that at the age of 3, you are still making it an adult dominated event. (Maybe there could be a family gathering separate from a kid party?). Cancellations happen. People do get sick or have accidents, although I would not be very accepting of simply being dropped for a music class, if the other person was aware of your scheduling efforts. But your friend doesn't deserve to feel pressure because her kid was the only other kid invited and therefore they should definitely be there. That was your idea, not hers, and the consequences are on you. While I would not take it out on the friendship, (you don't own anyone's commitment just because this party is so special to you), I would definitely invite one or two more kids than you plan to have at future parties. It's a good rule of thumb and has always worked for me. And I try to keep birthday parties very smalI - as many kids as your child turns of age. If they all come anyway, you can probably accommodate one or two extra. Just make sure you have party favors for all. Anonymous

You have every right to be upset. Perhaps the best thing to do is find another toddler for your girls to play with at the party. I would want to know if this friend arranged the music class before or after she accepted the party invitation. If she did arrange after she accepted the invitation, then I would not invite her to any future events as she doesn't seem to have her priorities straight. The kind of party you described with all the planning you did is not something easily forgotten.

Forget about chastising your friend. Your priority should be to ensure your daughters have a great time. If this friend shows up at all, I would not change your schedule. If some activity is already in progress when she arrives, she'll just have to wait (as will her child) until the activity is completed. It isn't fair to the other children to make them start over again.

I say this only because at one of my child's parties, a guest didn't show up until five minutes before the party was to end. This guest wanted tokens for games and cake and pizza and I could not believe how rude they were about it. I had to explain to the child (and the parent) that we already finished eating and everything had already been cleaned up. We were in the process of cleaning up after opening presents when they arrived. Everyone else was getting ready to go home. I had no intention of babysitting this child for a couple of hours when the party was already over. My husband had to insist that the parent not leave their child with us. Another reason I don't invite the entire class anymore, only children whose parents I have met and know.

Children's parties should be fun and stress-free. Enjoy your daughter's party and forget about the friend for now. There are more important things for you to concentrate on.

Marianne

You can not expect your friends to have the same standards as yours. Every family has their agenda and family events to juggle everyday. We do need to respect our friends's decisions on how they prioritize their life. Your friends are doing their best to come to join the later part of the party. Please enjoy the short time they can share with your family. What I have learned from doing over 10 birthday parties for my two girls is to invite the maximum friends you want to host, prepare enough goodie bags for each kids, no need to R.S.V.P., and a big cake. The leftover cake will be divided for the kids can't come to the party, we actually deliever the cake and that kid's goodie bag after the party. Please don't let this event interfere with your kids' friendships, the toddler's pal's mom as you called can still stay as your kids's pal's mom, and not your best friend. Have a great party! Sherry

Not invited to birthday parties

April 2002

When my 6-year-old daughter had her birthday, we invited everyone in her class, so that no one would feel left out. However, it seems that not all the other parents try to be fair like this. My daughter has only been invited to about 60% of the other childrens' birthday parties. These children are handing out invitations at school, and talking about thier parties, even though there are children who have not been invited. This really hurts my daughter's feelings. I know that she is well-liked by all the children, so it is not a question of them not liking her. I don't know what to say to her when she comes home crying about a party she didn't get invited to. Help!

I think you just have to explain that some people just can't or don't want to invite a whole class to birthday parties, and that being invited to more than half is pretty good. About this age girls group up and almost everyone gets excluded sometimes from some things. I think you just have to be matter of fact about it, and help her to come to terms with it, because we just can't protect them from this sort of stuff from here on out (bummer!). They are going to have to separate ''self-esteem'' from this sort of thing, and learn to derive it from their own accomplishments instead. In fact, if someone wants a smaller birthday party, or only invites even one person, that is ok, and we can't expect to be invited to everything. She really won't want to invite everybody to everything for the rest of her life either. I think it is important to remind kids also that popularity is not life's main goal. I know it is painful, but that's growing up. anonymous

some parents go with the advice ''one child guest per year of age of the birthday girl/boy''. it might help if you explain this to your daughter.

I know it can hurt a child's feelings when they are not invited to birthday parties that others are invited to. Some parents' feelings can be hurt, too. I feel it is important to remember that for many reasons, not everyone wants to or can have a large birthday party. Perhaps a way to help her deal with it is to explain why others may not invite the whole class to their children's parties. Birthday parties can be very expensive, and many families cannot afford large parties, especially if they also pay for private school. Many families do not have the space nor the ability to have a whole class full of kids in their home, or to keep track of all of them at a non-home location (even if other parents are around to help). Many families have a large local extended family that must be invited to a birthday party; which leaves little room left over for friends. Some children feel more comforatble with smaller parties cuz they may be more introverted.

At my daughter's preschool, the rule is that no one talks about birthday parties at school, 'cuz someone may feel sad about being left out.

Perhaps you and your daughter would feel less consternation if you made your own parties smaller and focus on enjoying the company of a few close friends. anonymous

I firmly believe that birthday parties do not require reciprocal invitations (''my child should be invited to child X's birthday party, since my child invited X to her party'') I've seen that belief force some families, who would like to have a small party, for reasons of finance or personal preference, to invite many more children than they really wanted. If a family or child would like to have a party with 6 kids instead of 16, that should be their choice!

However, since you state that the problem isn't just that your child isn't being invited by everyone that you invited to her party, but that most of the other kids are invited, and she is left out, perhaps this issue is something you could bring up with your child's school, to see if they have a policy about birthday parties. The guidelines at my daughters' school (Windrush) is that birthday parties invitations should go to:
- The whole class, OR
- all the girls, OR
- all the boys, OR
- no more than half the class

In a class of 16 kids, you could then invite all 16, or all 8 boys, or all 8 girls, or 8 assorted kids, but not 12 kids invited and 4 left out. Furthermore, birthday parties are not considered an appropriate topic of conversation in the classroom. My daughters' preschool had the same guidelines and the kids had no problem adhering to them.

Meanwhile, you say that most of the kids like her, and she's been invited to about 60% of the parties. Those are pretty good numbers - I personally wouldn't expend too much energy on worrying on the few parties she'd missed, unless your child is genuinely upset.

As to what to say to your child, you could simply say that the other families decided to have smaller parties and couldn't invite everyone. Since you don't think she's being excluded for a reason, that's really all you can say to her. But meanwhile, consider a talk with the school or teacher, as long as you are sure of your facts, and it's not just that you might be subconsciously expecting everyone to have a 16 child party.

I personally look forward to the day when kids have smaller birthday parties and there are fewer piles of presents for kids who already have so much stuff! But then, I'm the Grinch!

Best wishes,

Natasha B

Is 5-year-old obligated to invite those who invited him?

Nov 1999

Our son's fifth birthday is fast approaching. Each year, we've been invited to the birthday party of another child who we see occasionally but who our son is not all that interested in. And we've always invited that child to our parties. This year, howver, our son insists he doesn't want to invite that child to his party. It seems rather like a social obligation already, that we're kind of expected to invite each other (and attend) the respective parties. Should we go ahead and issue the invitation and hope our son will be polite about it? (I know I can't count on that.) Or just not invite him and hope I don't have to explain? Or be more straightforward with the mother, whom I like, and explain something about it being a small party this year, etc. etc.? Any suggestions will be gratefully received. Thanks in advance.

I come from a culture where social obligations and the good of the community comes before individual satisfaction. I always felt that some of the sacrifices I had to make growing up were unfair and somewhat disrespectful of my personal needs. When I came to this country I realized that the other end of the spectrum is also not good for anyone. This country is giving children too much power to satisfy what they need, with no regards to what others might think. It was refreshing to find that you are struggling with your decision, rather than just let your son decide for himself. This is no simple matter. There are many people involved.

First you need to think about the messages that your son would get if you do not invite this long term friend, whom he is not so found of, but it seems like the families like each other. I think you need to give him the message that the way to create a community is not to cast aside the individuals you don't get along with. He has known this other boy for many years and he has come to every birthday party, this should count for something. Your son's individual rights will respected if he is involved in this decision as much as possible, but that he should be given clear guidelines for what might be your decision and what might be his.

When children are given a choice to invite, say, only three children for their birthday, I think they should have full control. But if it is a big celebration, being choosy and disregarding family connections is actually very selfish.

I hope you make the right choice, and I hope you can openly talk to your son about the feelings of sadness that exclusion might incur in others.

My daughter gets invited to the birthday parties of many more pre-school friends than we want to accommodate at hers and you have to draw the line somewhere. It just amazes me the size and types of parties that are given for three- and four-year olds. Whatever can you do to top it the next year? Anyway, how did your son feel about going to the other's party? What is your relationship with the other mother? If your relationship is casual and your son didn't really want to go to the other's party, perhaps it's time to severe the ties and invite only the friends your son wants.

At some point (and age 5 is probably about the start), your child is entitled to pick his own friends (but not relations!). So if your son doesn't want the other child to come, the other child should not come. There's no shame in explaniing to the other kid's mother -- she can be your friend even if your kids aren't.

It seems reasonable for children to fall into and out of relationships with their peers. The parents of the "uninvited" would surely understand this aspect of social life at this (or any) age. In the past, we have limited the number of children (10 or less) at our son's parties (also now 5) and he has had to pick those he REALLY wants to come. This year, due to the observation that our son was always very stressed by birthday parties (others, as well as his own), we did not have a party. Nevetheless, his close friends made occasions to "gift" him and help him celebrate-- over the entire week in which his birthday fell. He did not miss the party. We had a special dinner with one friend (and her family) over, as well.

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