Berkeley Parents Network: Alternatives to Birthday Present Excess

Berkeley Parents Network

Alternatives to Birthday Present Excess

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Trying to combat excess, but 4-y-o wants presents, not a book exchange!

Dec 2004

Our almost 4-yr old has been attending birthday parties for the past year or so and this year we'll have a party for him for the first time. I've read the archives with great ideas about doing a book exchange, etc. to avoid a bunch of presents which he really doesn't need. When I discussed it with our son, he burst out crying saying he doesn't want any kids to bring anything home with them. I haven't really pursued the issue but I need to start thinking about how to pull this off (bday in January). How can I convince him that giving a present is as fun as getting one? I'm afraid he sees a party as being all about presents. Should we just do a book exchange and hope that he doesn't freak out?

Well, maybe your son is reacting to the idea that everyone else will be essentially getting presents along with him: in other words that he won't feel like the special birthday boy. Birthdays for children let them feel like a king/queen for a day, though there are a lot more elements to this than presents (cake, candles, having all of the guests of your choosing, choosing the activity etc.). There is an implicit exchange in most birthday parties: the host provides the party, and --in exchange--the guests bring gifts. If you are going to take away his presents, maybe you could find another way of making him feel like the special one. Or maybe you could just talk to the other parents about getting smaller gifts for your son, if that's what you're worried about.

We had wonderful birthday parties every year for my two boys (now 12 & 13). Lucky for us their birthdays are both in the summer so we'd stake out a corner of a favorite park (Totland when they were wee ones; later Alvarado (great creek) and Orinda Community park) and invite everyone we knew - kids and adults - for a BBQ. We requested NO gifts until they were about 7 or 8 years old. They never missed it (although some of the other parents would inquire as to whether or not my boys were being ''punished''!) and everyone had a great time. Most kids have waaaay too much stuff anyway. It's a thought.... susan

A birthday party without presents seems excessively Grinch-like to me, and I suspect that's what your son is actually reacting to. Why not encourage your invitees to give him things like art supplies, tub tints, books or music? It isn't perfect etiquette, but I bet the other parents would understand. Sara

I also have an almost-four-year-old and I think four is too young to understand this concept, even though it is very noble. He may well feel as though he is being punished if he is not allowed to have presents at his birthday. For my son, he didn't even get that presents are at birthdays till the past year, so it seems a little unfair to take away the presents as soon as he starts getting the concept. I think the other party attendees also may not understand why there are no presents. Instead, why not just invite fewer children, let them bring presents, and then use the opportunity to teach your son the equally important lesson of accepting gifts graciously.

By the way, about half the birthday parties I've attended in the past year have had the feature of no present opening till after all the guests leave. I personally love to see the presents being opened and I'm always disappointed when they stay wrapped! I guess the idea is that no child will feel bad that their present is not as good as other presents, or maybe it's meant to diminish the gift opening frenzy, but I just want to say right here how much fun it is to watch people open presents at kids' bdays, wedding showers, Christmas, and everywhere! It's fun for the guests! Mom who loves presents

It sounds like your son is due for a birthday party with a bunch of gifts! He's seen other kids celebrate their special day, and been showered with fun toys; in my opinion, as a mom of 2 and 4 year olds, let him have his birthday party, and any gifts that people want to give him. You can always see what he doesn't play with right away, and tuck them in a closet to be re-presented later on when he tires of the favorite ones. I think he'll be very disappointed and resentful even, if you throw a book party, when what he really wants might be a Rescue Heroes Firetruck or a Singing Elmo. Save the book party for when he's older and can appreciate the theory behind it. This only comes once a year, and when you're 4, it's a Big Deal! A Berkeley Mommy

We did a book exchange for my daughter's 7th birthday and it was a big success. She had a choice between a big party with exchange or a small party with gifts. She chose the big party. Four seems pretty young understand and appreciate a book exchange. How about a very small party or request small gifts/books from attending friends? Jill

I think he is too young to learn this lesson. Let him enjoy getting all the presents, as he gets older he can begin to understand this. My 9 year old has been disappointed by a lot of gifts that he doesn't value, so now prefers a smaller party, where the joy of the party is in sharing a special day with friends. jewel

I think you should accept the presents. My son just turned 4, and it is such a self-involved age that I doubt you will be able to convince him that NOT getting a lot of presents wouldn't be a tragedy. Plus, most of the fun is in receiving and opening the gifts. Then, if you don't want to deal with all of the ''junk'', ask your child to select a few favorites, and donate the rest to a charity. I find that my son loves to pick out clothes and toys that doesn't need anymore when I tell him that it will be going to another little boy who will also enjoy it. good luck

Hmm. Many years ago when my son was small I got a very good book on giving birthday parties for children. The author, a very sensible woman, has a lot of advice on what games are age appropriate. Before about age 8 or 9, most kids will feel that as the birthday child they are entitled to win all games. Thus it is best to use non-competitive games at this age. The author points out that sharing and the fact that others can win games are good lessons to teach, but you don't have to do it on the kid's birthday. So I'd say, lighten up a little. When you son is a bit older you can start with book exchanges and such, but for now just make up some kind of goodie bag for the kid and let your kid enjoy his gifts. A couple of weeks after the party you can gently point out to him that he doesn't play with them any more (because he probably won't be, at that point). Do this for a few years and by the time he is 8 maybe he will see the rationality of sharing and exchanges. Good luck Dianna

It's not just about presents- it's about cake and sugar, too (but that is exciting for the kids, as is playing with their friends.) I have thought about this every time the birthdays come up (my daughter is 6) but never thus far done a book exchange because I realized my daughter really loved the things other people had picked out for her and was proud to have a stuffy from her favorite friend, for example. It was very hard for me to give up control over which toys come into our house but then I found we could just get her one or two small or special presents and the rest come from the party. And we've stowed some away for plane/ car trips, rainy day activities, etc. when it was great to have something ''new'' (you could also give some away to children in need.) If you do do a book or present exchange you could put in a few extra so your son gets to take home say 3 books and everyone else one- and I would suggest NOT opening at the party as that could cause upset about what others are taking home. And I don't know if this is going too far but you could ask everyone to wrap the books in brown paper,like from a grocery bag, I may be over-thinking it but I imagine kids being disappointed if the birthday child doesn't get the book they brought, etc. Or if you can keep the party smaller there won't be as much stuff. i have been able to make the cakes myself with very low sugar and think of simple hopefully useful and not cluttery junk party favors (flower seeds, burn a CD of favorite tunes, markers) but have not yet done a gift alternative. I'm thinking somewhere between 7 or 8- 12 there is more social consciousness developing and that would be a good time to try something meaningful about the gifts; but by all means it is worth a try; if everyone understands the plan I think it will end up being just as fun. Good luck! presently ok with presents

I understand your frustration. I am not sure how the book exchange will go over with him. That could be a side part of the party. You could put in the invitations a small note about small gifts being appreciated. That way parents know that a small token will be a better idea. At 4 I think all children have those feelings. Parents will understand. You could also have some thank you notes written up so that a few days after the party your son could 'sign' his name and you could make a bit of a game of it. I am not sure if goodie bags are done for that age but I never liked the idea of them. You could also make the party a short and sweet one. Good Luck and remember that your child isn't the only one who thinks of the presents as the only part of birthdays. cristina

Judging from your 4-year-old son's negative reaction to your suggestion about a book exchange party, it sounds like he's not ready to handle a large birthday party with numerous guests and presents. Too many opportunities for conflict and the ''gimmes''. How about a smaller birthday party where he can invite a few (ie, three or four) of his closest buddies? Then he'll have to focus more attention on each of the few special gifts he does receive, and thus avoid the whole gift orgy thing in the process. Also, while a book exchange party (or any variation on this charity/sharing theme) is a great idea, especially if the idea originates from the child, if your son is not into it and you do it anyway, he will resent it. Personally, I think it's an equally good lesson that while it's good to be a giver, it's also good to be a recipient--that is, a gracious recipient who says thank you, doesn't act disappointed when receiving an item he already has or doesn't want, and shows pleasure (but not the boastful, gloating kind) in receiving gifts from friends, etc. This is a good thing for your son to practice in company of just a few friends. Oh, and don't forget that your son's friends will be going home from the party with little goodie bags. Let your son help pick out some of the items for these bags, and tell him that he'll be in charge of handing them out to his friends. That'll take care of the ''giving'' thing. CC

I think your son's birthday party should be for him, and not for you. Meaning, he cannot be expected to understand your adult ideas about excess. Besides, maybe it would be fun for him to receive some presents on his birthday. Perhaps these presents will be useless, but so what? If he tires of them quickly, then you can give them away to a charitable organization. Next week on Christmas my children will receive numerous useless gifts, and will be absolutely giddy with excitement. It will be thrilling for them. Like you, I dislike excess, but to me it's worth it: Watching children open presents twice a year is magic in itself. As for the book exchange, let's be serious: for children, it IS much more fun to receive a gift than it is to give a gift. Your son will learn in his own time how fun it is to give a gift. I do agree with you that birthdays shouldn't be all about presents (and of course, neither should Christmas), but I am an adult. anon.

How to honor her birthday without acquiring a pile of items?

October 2002

My daughter will celebrate her 7th birthday this month, and I'm trying to find a way to honor the occasion that doesn't require her to acquire a pile of storebought items. I am still reeling from the excesses of my elder daughter's best friend's party, which featured 24 kids,and two dozen presents which the birthday boy hasn't looked at nearly a year later (nor did he ever write thank you notes for all the unwanted stuff. Sigh.) I don't want to go that route.

We already risk social opprobrium by having ''small'' parties (6-10 kids). Even so, we still often find ourselves overwhelmed with stuff. I don't want to be the Grinch, but I don't think that my children, or indeed most kids in our circle, need more stuff. In the past we have requested that presents take the form of books or craft supplies. That has helped. But even still....there must be another way? Can we request that the children come empty-handed but make something? Or that they chip in together on one thing? Has anyone successfully navigated this issue in a way that kept both birthday child and guests feeling like they participated in the appropriate ritual?

Mother With Plenty

I heard a great idea for birthday gifts. A group of parents some where in Albany or Berkeley have birthday parties for their kids. Each kid (including the birthday kid) bring a gift and each kid takes a gift home. The birthday kid gets to hand out the gifts (still wrapped) and gets the cake and the song but everyone gets a gift. I have been waiting to share this! thanks. margy

HIya,
I totally understand where you are coming from not just with birthdays but with other gift giving holidays as well.. Something that we do that is pretty fun and helps us pick a theme is to choose a charity, My Kids love animal shelters and tha ASPCA, and ask the kids and family members to bring donatable items to this charity. We had a great puppy themed party doing this and the local shelter made out like a bandit.Can't wait to read others ideas. Maragaret

Here is how we did it for our son one year (although I think he was a little older -- maybe 10?). He wanted fifteen kids to come play football. We asked him how many of the gifts that kids would bring that he thought he would really love -- he guessed around five. We told him we would get him five great gifts of his choice (within reason, of course) if he would agree that we would put ''no gifts please'' (or something like that -- I think we came up with a nicer way of putting it) on the invitation. He agreed and it was really great. No pressure on the other parents to come up with a gift, the kids brought cards and just played. Kerry

Have you considered doing a book exchange? Every child attending the party brings a wrapped book, and every child leaves with a (different) wrapped book. No overwhelming pile of unneeded presents, no goody bags, just lots of happy kids with a new book to read. Janet

How about a book exchange? Every child brings a wrapped, age- appropriate book and every child gets a new book to take home. Ellen

My children were born on my birthday so we have a big bash together every year and that might give me an odd perspective. I always state on the invitation that ''your presence is present enough'' I don't like the idea that a party invitation is a gift request form. Last year we got lots of flowers because people don't like to come empty handed but they were gorgeous and enjoyed by everyone at the party. I encourage you to restrict presents on the invitation. Just ask that everyone come and have fun together. Dana

I agree that birthday gifts can get out of hand and obscure the reason for celebrating in the first place. Friends of ours recommended their approach that we have used successfully so far. All the kids invited to my daughter's party are asked to bring a wrapped book. Instead of my daughter getting all the books, we have a book exchange (make sure this is spelled out in the invites so the parents are on board). The kids love going home with a gift, and particularly when they are little, they love unwrapping the gift even more. Be sure to have an extra wrapped book on hand just in case someone doesn't read the fine print and comes with a huge stuffed animal or some other obviously non-book gift. Our daughter has enjoyed unwrapping hers in the presence of the other kids and so far hasn't complained. We've only done this for her 3rd and 4th birthday to date. For her older birthdays, we plan to allow her to invite one or perhaps two really good friends for a special event - a weekend camping trip, a trip to an amusement park, high tea, or similar special activity. With the number of invites reduced to a very small number, it doesn't appear to be a party from which others are excluded; rather, it will (hopefully) be seen by others as a kid who doesn't have birthday parties, and by our daughter as something extremely special for her. Good luck! Rachel

We have attended a few parties where the family requested gifts for $5 or less, to be exchanged, one each for each child who attends. This works well, provided you shop for an item appealing to boys and girls. It might be a good idea to pick up a few extras just in case a parent forgets. This way, every child leaves the party with a present, and its fun to have everyone opening gifts! For the birthday boy or girl, you can have regular presents at another time, perhaps before the party, so they don't feel shortchanged. K.H.

For our daughter's next birthday (she will be seven) we have suggested one of two things. One, she may take ONE friend to someplace special (the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, for example, or Marine World) in celebration of her birthday. Or two, she may have a slumber party with two or three friends. She is quite pleased with these choices! Tired of the Party Stress!

I appreciate your dilemma, which we're already anticipating even with a 9 month-old. We find the prospect of accumulating unneeded things kind of depressing, and not refelctive of our family's values. Friends of ours with a 6 yr-old son have, from the beginning, requested that instead of bringing presents to the birthday party, people create a page (distributed in advance with the invitations) for a ''birthday book.'' The page can include drawings, photos, messages, etc. I don't know whether this will work indefinitely, but so far it's been great, and the boy has wonderful and PERSONAL books for each of his birthdays. Good luck! avi

I agree that all these presents are too much! Not sure if this will help, but we have given parties or attended parties where the following worked. Admittedly, in some cases, you have to start the tradition when the child is small:

* Limit number of party guests by choosing special party activity or location that precludes the hordes (e.g, ''Only 5 fit on the boat.'')--and that birthday child really lusts after.

* Ask each child to bring a book and then do an anonymous book exchange, so every child goes home with book as their goody. This also eliminates the proliferation of goody bags filled with stuff that litters your house and breaks immediately.

* Ask each child to bring a can of food for a local food bank or a book for a children's charity. Nearing xmas, a wrapped toy for charity would be welcomed many places. This also teaches kids about service to others.

* Place an absurdly low dollar limit on gifts in your invitation and ask people how creative they can be with the limited funds.

* Give a party with one or more other children with close birthdays and then tell guests to bring just one gift that could work for any of the birthday kids. At the party, birthday kids take turns picking gifts to open, so they each take home fewer gifts.

Good luck with all this. Remember, a party is a big gift right there!! I have also waged a one-person campaign by bringing modest gifts ($7 or less). It seems so many parents spend so much and often the child doesn't really care--and we can't keep up the Joneses.

Good luck. anonymous

re: birthday present excess. A friend of mine persuaded her 7 year old daughter to give her birthday presents to a charity - in this case, Children's Hospital. All the invitees knew ahead of time that the majority of the presents would be donated (the birthday girl got to choose one present to keep), and had fun shopping for the less fortunate kids the presents would eventually go to. The birthday girl got to be very proud of herself for doing such a noble thing, and was thanked not only by the hospital, but even mentioned in a newspaper article for her generosity. I think it was a great idea that everyone was happy with. anon

I too have struggled with the Birthday Party Excess problem, and this is how I have solved it. We do a party ''grab bag'' of gifts. In the invitation I ask each party-goer to bring a gift, wrapped, for $10 or under. We put all of the gifts in the laundry bag, and at the end of the party, each child draws out a present. Buy something yourself, so your birthday child also gets to pick from the grab bag. Also make certain that each child brings a gift. One birthday 2 sisters came who only brought one gift, and that left us one short. This works out really well and also avoids the watch-the- birthday- child- open-their-gifts activity, which, I feel, only further emphasizes the material aspect of the occasion. Also, my kids still get plenty of gifts from relatives, so noone feels ''short-changed.'' Sondra

I'll be looking forward to hearing the answers you get, as this is a big concern of mine. So far, we've gone the route of having very small birthday parties, and/or saying on the invitation, ''no presents, please.'' Let me just say that I endorse your goal 100%, and I think most parents will agree. I don't think it is Grinchlike at all. I far prefer parties without goody bags and gifts. One compromise that I've heard of is to specify a kind of gift that is inexpensive and small. For example: if you want to bring a gift, please bring a matchbox car for Jenny's collection, or a charm for her charm-bracelet, or a utensil for her to cook with, or a tool for her toolbox, etc.. That way people can participate in the gift-giving ritual without it becoming an orgy of comsuption. I love the idea of asking for homemade gifts only. At our house, we're trying to do ''recycled holidays'' -- in which family members give each other only gifts that are used, recycled, home-made, etc., anything other than bought new. The gifts are much better and the holidays more enjoyable. But I'm not sure how you would translate that concept into a kid's birthday party, since it assumes a certain amount of prearrangement and mutual coordination. Anyway, good luck! Judith

Congratulations to the thinking mom who asks ''How Much IS Enough?'' which is also the title of an excellent book on excess. I raised my kid on a limited budget and that's turned out to be a blessing in disguise, as we were unable, thank goodness, to shop or acquire much. Americans are seriously out of whack on consumption. 24 kids,and two dozen presents at a youngster's birthday is excess. The boy who was clearly overwhelmed by this and hasn't thanked anyone or looked at many presents a year later was not done a favor. If there is indeed risk in your circle of ''social opprobrium'' by having small parties (6-10 kids as you said), then I would be questioning who those friends are who disdain a child-scale event of modest proportions. Is this a model of behavior for future generations in a world with limited resources? Looks like a teachable moment for all parties, from the kids who don't need more to the adults whose sights are set on uber-shopping & training their children to imitate them. How about an ecology or simplicity theme party featuring hand- made gifts, plants or trees to plant outdoors, books on conservation, or donations to poor kids in Africa or Latin America as an alternative? Resources might be www.simpleliving.org/ (has a children's section) www.newdream.org/ www.pbs.org/kcts/affluenza/ You are on the right path and can set a much higher tone for a celebration than more stuff and junky toys that are soon forgotten. Good job and good luck, Mom! Christine

My siblings and I had ''public'' birthday parties every other year (there were four kids being raised on one very modest income). On the ''odd'' years we had a family outing, and on the even, a fairly simple party with home-make cake. My favorite birthday party was when I was 8; the focus was making our own ice cream sundaes - each kid brought an ingredient, and it was a huge mess and lots of fun. Those were simpler times, I guess.

Anything that makes the focus on being together and celebrating, rather than acquiring stuff, sounds great to me. I very much liked the idea of making a birthday book at the party - that's something we've thought of doing based on our daughters' preschool and kindergarten school traditions. I also love the book exchange - we have asked in the past that presents be restricted to books or art supplies, but doing it as an exchange would also be a great way to skip what my friend calls ''kiddy litter bags''. We have tried in the past to limit the ''kiddy litter'' by having the party bags contain one major item - like a flashlight for my October birthday girl. Nonetheless I don't like the way kids line up at birthday parties with their hands outstretched for their loot, or the way the guest of honor rips through presents with a panting horde around her. How much better it would be either have an exchange, have the gifts directed to a good cause, or just skip the stuff altogether!

Thanks for all the good suggestions. If even just a few of us simplify, perhaps the idea will spread... Natasha B.

Great topic! I have enjoyed reading the responses thus far and will take the suggestions to heart as well. In the meantime, while we haven't dealt with the excess issue, we did deal with the issue of opening presents at the party problem last time around. At our daughter's 4th birthday party, we talked to her ahead of time and told her we would not be opening the presents at the party so that she and her friends could spend all of the time playing and having fun (it was at the Oakland Zoo). By the way, we forgot to mention that to the parents before the party, which would have been a good idea in hindsight, as their kids were all asking when the presents would be opened. In any case, all the parents thought it was WONDERFUL that we weren't going to open presents at the party. One of them, in fact, said she was going to do the same thing at her daughter's party, which she did just recently very successfully. I personally hate the frenzy, envy, jealousy, etc. that goes with the public opening of the gifts and we have vowed never to do it again. Lori

Can you stand one more message about this? I recently attended a fifth birthday party where the parents handled the situation really well. First, as suggested on this list, they did not open the birthday girl's presents at the party. Second, they played a game in which all the kids sat in a circle and passed around a large bundle containing wrapped presents (one wrapped present, wrapped again, another wrapped present, the whole thing wrapped again, etc.). The mom played music; whoever was holding the bundle when the music stopped unwrapped the bundle and took out the present that was there. Then the music started again and the bundle was passed around until all the presents were gone. Needless to say there were enough presents for all (two bundles, plus extras in case anyone didn't get one). The presents were small, and everyone had fun unwrapping them with all their friends watching; plus, everyone got something to take home! We're going to try it at our next party. Lauren

June 2000

RE: Joint birthday party for 2 kids:
My sister-in-law recently had a birthday party for her 4 year old son and ended up inviting 40 children (because her son had just moved from the 3 yo to 4 yo room at school and wanted to invite all his "friends"). Well, the thought of one child potentially receiving 40 gifts was disturbing to my sister-in-law so on the invitations she stated the children would do a gift exchange. Each child was to bring a "gender-neutral" gift within a range ($10-$15, or whatever feels comfortable), and gifts would be exchanged at the party. I don't recall the mechanism for exchange (numbering each gift and having the kids draw a number from a bowl would be one way). Perhaps you and your friend could provide two or three extra gifts for the birthday boy and girl.

As it turned out approximately 25 children attended my nephew's party and the gift exchange worked really well. I like the idea because it demonstrates to the children that it is fun to give and receive. In your situation, parents wouldn't have to worry about whether or not they know both children and whether they should bring one or two gifts. Susan

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