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Oct 2008
We are invited to numerous parties each month and can only make
a few each year. Are we expected to give gifts to those
children whose party we don't attend? I know that you're
supposed to send a wedding present if you've been invited but
would that same etiquette apply to preschoolers. We just
tranferred from a small family daycare to a large preschool so
it's happening quite often now.
Just curious...
Don't want to be a cheapskate
If you do not attend the party no gift necessary. However my
child has some very close friends and when we couldn't make
their party we gave a gift anyway. Nice for my child the other
family hosted a special play date which included an outing to
the Zoo.
Anon
I had to write, because the issue of gift-giving just never seems to cease getting more
outrageous. No one is EVER *supposed* to give a gift under any circumstances. Gift
giving is completely voluntary, NEVER compulsory, otherwise, it's not a gift, it's
extortion. You do not have to give a gift even if you DO attend, whether it's a wedding,
or a birthday party. Give only if you feel called to give. Birthdays and weddings are
supposed to be celebrations, not excuses to demand presents.
Your Welcome To My Party With or Without
If you do not attend a birthday party, you are not required to
acknowledge the event with a gift. If you go, you are not
required to bring a gift. Either way, it's a birthday party, and
the one giving the party should not be expecting that their
attendees bring a gift (at least I don't). I think Miss Manners
would agree that an invitation to a party does not ever
necessitate an obligation to bring or sent a gift, whether or
not you attend, unless of course, you really want to.
Anon
Are you close to the family or is your child close to the
birthday child? If so, then send a gift. If not, a card
acknowledging the milestone is sufficient.
I would deviate from this if I happened to know that the
child/child's family was going through hard times in which case
I would send an anonymous gift - something useful or special.
Gift giving comes from the heart and is not an entitlement as
it has become to be known for everything now. BTW, you are not
required to send a wedding gift just because you are invited to
the wedding per Emily Post.
Etiquettegal
No, you do not need to give a gift for a birthday party you
don't attend. The rules are different for weddings... Just
say, ''I'm so sorry, we'll have to miss the party. I hope you
have a great day!'' And that's it.
Berkeley mom of 3
No, you're not required to give a gift unless you go.
anon
No, you do not need to give a gift for a birthday party you
don't attend. The rules are different for weddings... Just
say, ''I'm so sorry, we'll have to miss the party. I hope you
have a great day!'' And that's it.
Berkeley mom of 3
Only give gifts to kids whose parties you actually attend. If
you can't make it, no need to get a gift.
Andi
You do not need to get a gift when you don't attend the party.
That is the same rule for a preschool party, a grown up party or
a wedding.
emily postit
Receiving an invitation to a party does NOT obligate you to send
a gift. This is true for weddings just as much as it is for any
other kind of party (although there is something of a
presumption that anyone close enough to the bride or groom to
merit an invitation will also be close enough to want to send a
present) and given that so many children no longer open their
gifts AT their party, bringing a gift isn't really obligatory
even if you DO attend the party.
(The only reason that traditional etiquette dictates bringing a
gift to a child's birthday party is that the birthday child is
traditionally expected to open the gifts with guests present.
Same rule applies for showers. In the case of the birthday
party, the entire ritual serves as an etiquette-training
opportunity for both givers and recipient, which is why the gift-
opening is considered appropriate for that type of party and not
for most other types of parties.)
In any event, no, nobody expects you to give a birthday gift to
a kid whose party invitation you declined. You might choose to
do so anyway if the child is your kid's particular playmate, but
it's absolutely not expected.
Not a Cheapskate
We don't give or receive gifts for unattended parties.
Naomi
No, you do not need to send a gift, or even a card to your
child's friend if he/she cannot attend their birthday party. I
think parents are most grateful if you RSVP in a timely way and
let them know if you are coming or not.
Mom
no. we buy gifts for a child whose party we could not attend if
they are a very close friend (whose birthday we would
acknowledge regardless of party) and not otherwise.
chris
March 2007
My little guy will be turning 4 in a couple of months. We'll
most likely have a party in a nearby park. Would it be rude to
request only books as a gift? I know books can be purchased
for as little as a few bucks.
Many thanks!
Bobbie
Rude is not the word for it: it's incredibly rude (you asked). You are
telling people to
only bring you what you want? We call that having huevos! Either 1) have
a book
exchange; 2) accept what people give you; or 3) say ''no gifts please''
and buy your own
books. By the way, when you come to my house for dinner, I don't drink
cheap wine,
so please, only Opus One.
-- Ms. Manners
I think proper etiquette forbids making any precise gift suggestions
outside of gift
registries for weddngs, showers, etc. That said...
We went to a party one time where they requested only a wrapped book.
When we got
there, all of the books were placed in a basket. When it was time to go,
each child got
to pick a wrapped book - no peeking - to open at home. No goodie bags
needed and
no unwanted toys to the birthday boy. Just the one book that remained.
(And, some
people brought two books, so he got those as well.) Seemed like a great
idea to me.
-Happy Birthday!
It is generally considered rude to specify the type of gift you
would like to receive from an invited guest.
Although, you can make your son's party a ''book theme'' party and
maybe your guests will get the hint.
CC
I think Miss Manners would say ''heavens no! you can't request or
specify gifts.''
Perhaps you could do something that would allow all kids to enjoy
books, like do a book exchange where each gets to pick out a
wrapped book. Some of the more aware parents might end up getting
a separate book for your child. I would.
Mrs. Tact
I wanted only books for my daughter's 3rd birthday because she
loves them. I created a wish list on Amazon and anytime anyone
asked what my daughter wanted or needed I sent them the wish list
via e-mail. Most people took the list to their local book store
to buy the books rather than purchase them on Amazon. It worked
pretty well. Although we got a lot of dupes, I exchanged them
for other books on the list and we ended up with 20 or so new
books for my daughter which we still read all the time. I was
relieved to not have to deal with all the plastic toys and ugly
clothes we usually get. Of course, some people will not ask and
there is nothing you can do about that. I don't think it is
appropriate to request books on the invitation, if that is what
you are thinking of doing.
AV
This question - can i tell people what to give me? - gets asked over and
over, but there
is only one answer. No, it is not polite to dictate what other people give
you as gifts. It
doesn't matter if your intentions are high-minded, it isn't ok. I
understand where you
are coming from - we would prefer to receive books as gifts, too. I only
give books as
gifts. But sometimes people surprise you with things you didn't know you
and your
child would enjoy. That's the beauty of gift giving.
etiquette stickler
I am really annoyed by people who dictate gifts they should be getting.
Even though
you have good intentions (books are cheap), it just strikes me as you
trying to
control everything. I'm sure people will tell you it's ok, but I just
think it's impolite
when you have a party to make any indication that you are expecting gifts
and will
not be grateful for any gift someone bestows upon your child. So, I say
don't do it. If
someone asks for suggestions, you can tell them, ''our child really loves
books, any
books'' but only if they ask. The ONLY time a registry is acceptable is
for weddings
and baby showers, and registries are supposed to be suggestions, not
requirements.
And please send thank you notes for any gifts you get!
tired of bad etiquette
Some might think it's rude, but I think it's a great idea. I
personally think it's always good to make it clear that presents
are OPTIONAL. But that's always touchy too. You can try
something like, ''if you'd like to give a present, we'd love a
book! New or used! old favorites!''
Nah, that's a great idea! Not only does it give a nice theme to
the party, but it makes shopping on the guests' side easier.
Eva
No, I don't think requesting books is a bad idea! You could always write,
''Gifts not
necessary, but if you must, Alex loves books!'' or ''Gift suggestion: a
book, please!''
heidi
I just read the posts on this question. Seems there are lots of
etiquette junkies out there. Etiquette is a constantly changing
social construct. To say
that it is ALWAYS impolite to suggest what gift you want, and
then to point out the exceptions (wedding, shower) only
emphasizes that etiquette is just a lot of nonsense. And that
those of us who strictly adhere to such Miss Manners Madness
probably are also hypergrammarians. Just kidding. Just having
some fun here, okay so please don't respond that it was impolite
of me to poke a little fun. Guilty as charged.
Anywhooooo, I love and hate picking out gifts. I love giving
when it is not expected of me and when I know the person well
and so am able to ''come across'' a wonderful gift that speaks to
me saying, ''Your brother David would loooooove this book on the
history of differential equations.'' I hate finding a gift for
someone else's child whose name I can barely keep straight from
the descending hoard of miniture party-goers. So I love a
parent who says, ''You there, you get this for my child at this
store at this place at this time.'' Ahhh, so easy. Thank you
Mister Bosy Parent who ignores Miss Manners whenever he can,
thank you for making my life easier.
Let's change the Miss Manners imaginary standards and all demand
specific gifts at all times, and that will become the new
nonsense standard. ''Shocking really, Old Chap. He simply reee-
fused to assist me in procurring a suitable gift that would
tittilate his fancy. I suppose he thinks I'm a mind reader, the
cad.'' said with an overblown British upper class accent.
sean
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