UCB Parents Advice
Separation Anxiety
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My 5 month old daughter seems to have developed some separation/stranger
anxiety. I've left her with a friend's nanny for a few hours at a time
over the past week or 10 days and each time, she starts hysterical crying
as soon as she realizes I'm gone, and she stops only when she has
exhausted herself or I return. I have confidence that the nanny is
trying all appropriate soothing techniques, like rocking, walking,
pacifying, feeding, etc. I have spent some time with the nanny and
my daughter, and she seems fine while I'm there. Other than this, my
daughter has been a very "easy" baby who rarely cries; she is alert,
happy, social, healthy and active. I care for her full time, and she
spends time with my husband (her father) evenings and weekends. There was no
problem about a month ago, when we had a babysitter in our home for a
couple of evenings, or when I'd put her in childcare at the gym for a
few hours at a time. But she has not been apart from me (except for
sleep and the nanny) for more than an hour in several weeks. Is this
normal separation anxiety, or is something else going on? Isn't it
early for her to experience separation anxiety? Is there anything I can do to
ease her into this situation? Some have suggested that it is too early for
her to be away from me, but many moms are back to work by her age! I worry
that this problem might get worse as she gets older if she does not get
exposure to other caregivers now. Has anyone else had a similar situation?
Any suggestions and advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
(July 1999)
I had the same experience with my daughter (now 11 months) when she was
about 5 and a half months old. Yes, it's just separation anxiety. At 4
months, she was the pass-around darling of many parties. At 5-6 months, she
suddenly began to scream her little head off when I left the room. Here are
my observations:
1. Her utter terror of strangers has faded, although it has not gone away.
2. Although it took a while, she got to know her babysitter, got
comfortable enough with her grandma, etc. that I could leave her with them,
and she would have a good time.
3. I've learned what sort of comfort she needs with new people. If friends
come over to visit, I let her watch from across the room for a while,
usually sitting on my lap. When she's comfortable with them, she'll start
making eye contact and connecting with them, and will crawl or walk over to
them to meet them. But she needs some time to get comfortable with
strangers.
4. When I leave her with her sitter -- who she adores -- she will always
cry for a little while, just to let me know I'm abandoning her. Then she
has a great time.
5. Overall, I don't feel that the appropriate response is either to stay
with her all the time or to force her to spend more time away from me.
Rather, I try to give her as much support and attention as I can, and also
to help her to be comfortable with other people. So far, it seems to be
working.
Regarding separation anxiety. My daughter who is now 9.5 mos. was
very much like your child at an early age. I went back to work at 6 mos.
part time, and thought I was going to die, because the few times I left her
with someone, it was not a good experience for her. I did transition her
slowly into the situations, and it took probably about one month before she
was really comfortable with the nanny. Now they are best of freinds, and
what I have found is that she is much better at tranisitioning now then
ever (with new people), and this at a time when separation anxiety for
babies starts to peak. So either she got it really early, or she has
learned to be more relaxed around strangers. I guess my advice would be
to transition slowly into the situation, stick with the same person, be
somewhat consistent (e.g. i work the same two days every week, it is not
sporadic, so she doesn't "forget" the person), and give it time. At least
in my case, it has worked out beautifully, and my child's life is now
enriched in my opinion, but it was definitely rough at first.
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