How to cope with high-need 3.5-mo-old?

I'm needing advice about our 3 1/2 month old. She is the classic high-need baby--lots of crying as a newborn, prefers to be held/carried, naps on people and will nap alone for only very short periods--very curious, bright and developing early.

She was sleeping really well for a while (6-8 hours each night), and then teething started and we're back to every 1.5 or 2 hours. I'm about to lose my mind from lack of sleep, and I've started back to work 3 days each week, so it's getting unbearable. we're doing the homeopathic teething gel/tablets and tylenol when it gets really bad for her. she's always in a sling/baby bjorn or moby wrap.

She is an all-around intense little girl--screams in the car seat (rarely falls asleep), fights naps and bedtime, needs a lot of movement and activity, and sometimes has trouble going to other people.

I'd love to hear from other parents of spirited babies--how did you cope and how long did this tough part last?

thanks
needing perspective

In other words, most parents have been through this, and, believe it or not, it'll pass. Not a LOT of comfort when you're exhausted and in the middle of it. But hopefully a BIT of comfort in knowing that the best you can do is 1) Stick to rituals and routines, or start them 2) Go through ''check-list'' to ensure baby really is okay (fed? changed? tired? in pain? temperature? uncomfortable?) 3) Enlist help! Tag team more with your partner. Get someone to look after baby even for an hour to give you a chance to NAP (not tackle chores). 4) It's not too late to join a mom/baby group - or just drop in on one at Alta Bates or Kaiser. Been there too

My suggestion is to get as much help as you can - either relatives or hire a regular baby sitter, even if it is so you can take a nap. I have a friend who has a very high needs child and this approach has saved her sanity. I also went to a class at Bananas for parents of ''spirited'' children and I found the advice they gave to be helpful. If you are a Kaiser member, they offer a similar class. However, you may have to resign yourself to the fact that your daughter will always be a handful. Good luck. been there

The drop-dead-from-exhaustion lose-your-mind part lasted, for us, until somewhere around 9-10 mos., I'd say we weren't truly out of the woods until 1 yr.-15 mos., but there were important bright spots earlier on. Some of these were: First nap in the crib ever (and not while being worn walking, outside, at a rapid clip, in the Baby Bjorn, or being held and bounced, even at 3 am) came at around 5 mos. It took some doing, and she is still a very difficult napper, but just to get her in the crib made an enormous difference. First use of stroller ever (would not consent to be put down, not even for a second) was a little later, at around 5.5 mos. These were both huge. Not only from a logistical and physical point of view but a psychological one, as you will probably understand. There's a kind of chain reaction that hopefully you will be able to get going, too. As she ''settled'' and as we experimented and improved our techniques, she started to get better and longer naps, and she was clearly better rested and much, much mellower as a result.

And there's a spectrum of possibilities, in terms of what you might want to try to push, and how much. (For all parents, I am sure, but just how much you are willing to push, or feel you can/cannot, clearly has to do with the baby's temperament.) People insisted that we could get her to accept the stroller by letting her cry in it, that their kid stopped crying and learned to love it within 5 minutes or whatever. Of course, when we tried this, at 3 mos., at ! 4 mos., it didn't work and was hell. I am convinced that we could not have got her to go in the stroller a day sooner than we actually did. Conversely, we ''sleep-trained'' for night sleep (naps came much, much later, in terms of her not needing our ''help''), guiltily and in a way that felt absolutely horrible heading into it, at around 4.5 mos. I was on the academic job market, and we had such a huge accumulated sleep debt that we were just hair-tearing desperate and did it. Luckily for us, she was a comparatively easy case there; we probably doubled the amount of sleep we were _all_ getting within a matter of a couple of weeks. I now feel that the stroller was not worth pushing, that she simply had to be ready; the night sleeping, on the other hand, I really wish we had tried to push a bit sooner. It felt like it had to be pushed, and I'm not sorry we did. I don't know where you stand on letting her cry herself to sleep! (never easy and always controversial), but we just found it was, for us, the only thing that worked.

Another shred of hope: someone with a lot of baby wisdom, an infant/toddler center director with a lifetime experience, once told us that she thought that a lot of babies are getting lousy naps these days because of the ''back-to-sleep'' campaign. Her view was basically that, while the evidence is there that back-sleeping prevents SIDS, it prevents sound sleeping for the same reason that it prevents SIDS: we sleep more lightly on our backs. She said she wouldn't be surprised if our daughter slept longer and more deeply once she was sleeping on her tummy (old enough to roll herself off it), and sure enough, she did. So hopefully you have this coming; I know other parents who've had a similar experience here.

As for teething, the bottom line for us was that teething only stopped disrupting her sleep after she had all of her teeth.

Sorry to say the car never got better either (our daughter did, and still does, exactly as you say; I can count on one hand the number of times she has fallen asleep in a car seat). As for the flipside of her intensity that you remark: that she is ''very curious, bright and developing early,'' and that she ''needs a lot of movement and activity''--these will be your saving grace. This part of my message is definitely written from the perspective of the 2-yr.-old's mom, but perhaps it will offer you something almost as precious as sleep, if a bit more abstract, to look forward to. As she gets older, you'll be able to feel more and more how truly positive (on a good day, I would be tempted to say inspiring) her intensity can be, both in your interactions with her and in the larger social sphere. I have been consistently amazed by how well people respond to a demanding baby who is also bright, funny, engaging, inventive, and inviting. Your daughter will just keep getting more opportunities to be these things with each stage of development. In a sense it stays ''tough,'' in that she will likel! y always be more intense than other kids not only in her demand for, but in her response to stimulation. (Renewed sense of this for us now with toddlerhood.) But the reality is that the intensity is much easier to cope with once you start getting some sleep.

And you will. You'll push things, she'll push back, you'll get perspective and then lose it, but it will come. Right now she is the child who screams the loudest; for many more months, she is the one who makes it hardest for you to get anything done, and you will envy unto tears the parents of her easygoing peers; but a year from now she is the one who is most effective at getting the daycare teacher's attention, or who can get the whole subway car laughing, or who tells the longest, most complex, and detailed stories about her experiences, years before her peers. She is still the most high-strung kid, but also suddenly the most independent and resourceful. Although I was not feeling it at 3.5 mos., I sometimes feel her intensity actually gives me, rather than saps, my energy.

mom of high-need infant lives to tell :)

Things that helped me:

- get your daughter used very slowly to like the car (or at least to not scream in the carseat). I did that by taking my son to a park nearby (5 minutes drive) every day for a couple of weeks. He screamed from the minute I put him in the carseat, but he soon realized that it was a very short trip and that something nice waited at the end. Therefore, he learned to sit quietly for 5 minutes. After that, I started driving to a park that is a bit further away (10 minutes or so); same thing happened, after a while he developed a 10-minute-patient-and- blissfully-silent carseating. I kept increasing gradually the driving trips with nice destinations and tried to avoid any long trips. He built his tolerance to the car accordingly, and now he can go for about 45 minutes quite well (he is 2 1/2 years old). Once you rdaughter can eat soft (non-chockable) finger food, making the ride coincide with sna! ck time will be helpful.

-Try to build up, the same way, her ability to be on her own. Very soon she will be able to grasp objects and will get more entertained. The black and white mobile worked wonders for my son, who could gaze at it for 10 minutes straight every single time I put him under it. In retrospect, I regret that I got him used to constant interaction with me, dad, grandma, etc. Perhaps now he would be able to play independently more often and for longer than 10 minutes if we had gently re-directed him that way since he was a baby. A little moaning on the bouncy chair or swing it's okay, there is no need to rush to her at the smallest peep (like I did!). You don't need to let her scream, of course, but create opportunities for her to start spending some time on her bouncy chair, on tummy play, etc. Again, build up the time very slowly, like with the car.

-A ride-on/walker toy was very helpul. My son had one since 9 months-old and gave his first steps with it. For an active child like ours, anything that facilitates independent movement is going to lift their mood.

-You need time to unplug in order to survice the first year with a high-need/spirited baby. Get a baby sitter once a week, evenm if it is for a couple of hours, and take a nap, go the the hairdresser or get a pedicure. Do something that will relax you, lift your mood and give you the energy to go back to your daughter in a refreshed state. If you need to talk more or feel isolated, feel free to e-mail me.

Good luck. It will get better! Isidra

1. Book by William Sears, something like: ''Understanding your high-need infant & Young Child'' RUN to the bookstore and get it!

2. Baby Bjorn: wear it whenever possible, they especially like to look out (the same direction you look.) when old enough... (I think you said she's 9 months, that's old enough...)

3. Bring her in bed with you!!! You will get MORE sleep! And she will be SOOO much happier. High-need babies are more AWARE of everything and so they know they want to be near you, hearing your heartbeat, feeling your skin...

4. Any chance you could wait a year or 2 to go back to work? Maybe you coul! d look at ways to save/how you're saving anyway: no day-care/babysitter to pay, no work clothes to buy, less gas to pay for, more home-cooked meals, skip a vacation... Like I said, she's more aware and also more sensitive (means not only does she get her feelings hurt more, but she also cares for others more-- this shows up later) She would love to be with you as much as possible. -Heather PS And yes, keep breast-feeding for at least a year, I recommend 1 and a half or 2. Heather

At 3 1/2 months your baby might also benefit from some time on the floor to hang out and get her bearings. I found that with my first child, also very intense, that when I sat down on the floor and put her on a blanket next to me that it calmed her down. In the Baby Book by Sears I read a long time ago that from pretty young it is good to put the baby down and let her stretch out. It also gives you a chance to really observe and see those signals of sleepiness.

Start putting your baby down in a comfortable, dark spot as soon as she falls asleep instead of carrying her. Give her the opportunity to take a longer nap when she does nap. My first girl is very very active and intense and spirited and it has come through in different ways as she grows. I believe that getting enough sleep helps both of you cope better so that you can really enjoy! your time with her, not to mention survive your time at work.

The Baby Whisperer is another good read for some perspective and some hints regardless of your baby's style. mom of three good sleepers (most of the time)

4-month-old is almost never happy

I have a beautiful 4 month old baby boy. When he was younger I noticed he needed to be held and on the move nearly all the time. I assumed this was part of his ''fourth trimester'' and would resolve after time. Well, he still needs to be held and on the move all the time. I have a difficult time putting him down even for a few minutes, and he is not entertained by a stroller, car seat, bouncy chair, mat, for more than a few minutes before he begins to cry again. As I read up on him on dr. sears web site he seems like what is called a ''high needs baby''. My day is pretty much a long series of carrying him and nursing him in a sling while walking around the house or town, and long unsuccessful attempts of trying to get him to nap on a bed while swaddled. It would be one thing if I just had to hold him a lot while I did stuff, but he gets angry if I'm standing still and not moving.

My question to the group is does this behavior really change or get better or does it transform into another annoying/challenging characteristic as they get older. Am I making the problem worse by holding him all the time or is there an appropriate age when it is ok to let him be frustrated for a while?

I am kind of at my wits end, and both my husband and I are starting to get depressed with what may seem like a small lifetime of stresss instead of joy. I have even had a few anxious sessions keeping me up at night wondering if there is something medically/mentally wrong with my baby.

I feel like the mom of a big sourpuss. The only predictable time he is happy is first thing in the morning and not even for very long (maybe 45 minutes) where I can get him to play on his own for 10 minutes here and there.

I am so envious of other moms who just keep their babies in their strollers and can sit down and have some lunch/a cup of tea/ shower. I used to think that my babies nature was normal but now I see that other parents don't deal with this.

Please tell me it gets better, and if not, how have you coped, how has your 'high needs baby' transformed over time (in toddlerhood and up)? mom of sourpuss

The first year after a baby is born is an extremely emotional and difficult time. Our parents brush over this and people forget extremely quickly how labor-intensitve the first year can be. You are going through VERY NORMAL feelings. It WILL get better, but you can and should ask for help during this initially very difficult time. Writing this message was a good step for you. Don't be embarrassed by your feelings. You're doing great. Sincerely, a Mom with similar experience

By meeting your son's needs (albeit high needs), you are helping to raise a secure, happy, loving child. In the meantime, get as many breaks as you can, and try to meet moms with similar types of kids who understand.

Pick a time that you can stick to every day, like your morning shower. Sing him a song, then put him in his crib with a mobile to look at and some music to listen to and take your shower. The good news is you won't be able to hear him crying while you are in the shower! Make your shower quick, 5 minutes or so. Do your routine every day and in no more than 3 weeks he will stop crying as he'll know what to expect. You can then lengthen the time you leave him. You can add other planned down times. I know, deeply, from my own experience, how hard it can be to be the parent of such a child. But if you can keep it in mind that it is only 2 years of very very intense neediness and one more year of intense neediness before your child blossoms into a delightful companion and conversationalist, it might be easier to bear.

Good luck! susan

And when everyone else talks about how much harder it is to have a toddler than an infant, you can just shake your head because you've already been through the worst of it. I know it's exhausting, but hang in there.

Bathing in the Light at the End of the Tunnel

To be effective, the noise has to be louder than his cries. The other thing you might investigate is allergies. It turned out my son had eczema, which we didn't notice until later. We also took him to an alternative allergist and found out he had many food sensitivities. This may have contributed to his fussiness. Good luck! Been there

I carried my son around in the Baby Bjorn all the time. I would cook and clean with him in there and putting him down to sleep after he had fallen asleep was very difficult. He didn't really like the stroller until he was over 9 months. Once he could crawl, walk and talk things became much easier. There was no magic bullet. I thought I'll try a swing, a bouncer... but they were only good for about a minute or so.

Try to be patient and know that it won't go on forever. My son is now seven and a wonderful easy-going boy. However, he has lots of physical energy and needs to run like a dog several times a day and as a baby there was no outlet except for crying and fussing. Good luck! ublia@excite.com

I also worried that his temperment as an infant could result in him being a difficult child, but the good news is that now that he is 4, he is pleasant and outgoing. He still likes a lot of attention, but we have worked hard to establish limits and reward positive behavior, and it seems to be working.

The best advice I can give you is to take small but consistent steps toward the behaviors you want to acheive. For example, he may cry when you put him down, but eventually you have to put him down even if it just for a few minutes at first. As he gets used to this (and as he gets older and more interested in the world around him) he will be able to stay in a bouncy seat or stroller for longer periods. A similar, ''small steps'' approach worked with a number of things as my son grew older (like brushing his teeth).

The other thing that saved my sanity was returning to work - the break from the needy baby was a huge relief. If this is not in your plans, consider hiring a nanny/sitter for a few hours every week. Our baby was much less needy around other care takers (children always save their most challenging antics for their parents!) and I think it helped our entire family.

A high needs baby is a huge challenge and you should feel good about your commitment to giving him the extra care he needs. Good luck!

My six month-old is doing much better since we have gotten him on a predictible nap and bedtime schedule (in his crib) you may want to read ''healthy sleep habits, healthy child'' I have found that many babies are grumpy and high needs due to the lack of consistent sleep.

Also, I would take anything Dr. Sears says with a grain of salt. He has a particular agenda on child rearing. I have watched many mom-friends in a constant state of guilt, because they felt they could not live up to Dr. Sears ''ideal attached parent''. Each family is distinct and may need a different parenting style. Check-out Penolope Leach ''Your Baby Your Young Child'' her approach is more balanced and more forgiving than Dr. Sears.

Finally, your baby's behavior now has very little to do with his future behavior. As he develops new skills, sitting, crawling, using his hands he will be able to spend more time entertaining himself. Good luck anon

Like you, I was concerned that he might have some sort of medical/developmental issue (I also had friends who's baby's were extremely mellow which didn't help either), but in the end he was just more demanding than other babies. Good luck and hang in there - it will get better. Understanding Mom

High-need babies tend to be overtired, because they don't sleep well. I have tried to 'sleep-train' my daughter just like at daycare, but it didn't work. At 6 months old, I managed to keep her awake for longer stretches of time so she could take a good nap. She finally took two naps a day when she was 9 months old.

I would suggest trying strict routines for bed times, including naps. Also, it is ok to sometimes let himcry for 5-10 min. Comfort him a bit, then say ''It's time to sleep now'' and put him back down. It might take a couple weeks, but it might help.

Finally, I taught my daughter to sleep longer in the morning. She would wake up very early, to fall asleep only 45-60 min later. I told her one morning: ''go back to sleep, Mommy is still sleeping.''. She screamed for 20 min but never woke up that early again. She was in a much happier baby after that.

So try entertaining her as much as possible, start routine and sleep training now, and things will get better. Just be patient, it might take a little longer until yours settle into a happier baby. Mom of high need daughter

It's a very isolating experience but I swear - he won't be a grump forever. I discovered the Moby Wrap which was easier on my back and more comfortable than the Bjorn or sling. And I walked alot and did a lot of housework and nursed alot.

At some point I quit worrying about whether I was ''spoiling'' or doing it wrong. I figured, what was the harm in responding to what my son was indicating he needed in that first year? My feeling was that if things did not change after a year, we could address it then (or go crazy). It's important to accept that your baby is a little different temperamentally (at least for now) than others' babies...and that's not bad...and to manage your own expectations (of his temperament and when this ''ends''). Change is gradual and in retrospect, I think it was my expectations that were f!@# up, not my baby's behavior.

There really is no perfect advice except in knowing that it really does end. Do what feels comfortable for YOU - whatever that is. You are quite clearly a very good and caring mother so this won't be the thing that sends him to counseling.

Keep in mind that as he gets older, he really will start being more independent (otherwise we'd all still be living with our moms). Also know that you're not alone and that even the grouchy ladybugs do change. Mom to happy one-year old- patrice

It got better, at around nine months. I stopped breast feeding at ten months, and since then every month is better (he is 1 year and 3 months). I understand completely how you feel, it was very very hard and I am ashamed to say, a bit disapointing (my friends babies were so peaceful) - but now that it has gotten better I can tell myself this time is so short and my baby just needs me, before we know it they won't want to be held. This is what I tell myself when my son is driving me crazy, he is still very needy - I can't put my make-up on without his little outstretched arms waving at me. But now he gives me big hugs and wants to be affectionate. I think that your baby will be the same way, very loving. It does get better, there are times now when he will play by himself and he doesn't need me to carry him every second. Hang in there!!! You are not alone. PS - baby einstein helps. Tara tarataco@aol.com

Crying is the best way that he can get your attention. It does not indicate that he is going to have challenging or annoying characteristics when he is older. At least not any moreso than any other person! At four months old you are just getting a glimpse of his personality. Your devotion to him now will only make him more comfortable with who he is later.

Yes, it does get better! At 4 months old there isn't much he can do to entertain or comfort himself. He is not really able to play on his own. But in just a few months he will be sitting up and playing with toys. And in a few more months he will be crawling and you will wish that you could still contain him in that sling! I found with our ''high needs'' daughter that things got easier each time we crossed a major hurdle ie: sitting up, feeding herself, walking etc.

You sound tired and worried which is understandable. If you are not doing so already try to spend time regularly with other moms and give yourself time alone or with a girlfriend even for just an hour here and there. Worrying about your baby's health is so stressful. It is always better to err on the side of caution. Express your concerns to your pediatrician and ask that your baby have a thorough exam immediately.

Best Wishes! Another Tired Mom

At 4 months he's only beginning to enjoy looking around, so as he becomes more aware of his surroundings it will get easier. My daughter is a social animal, and as an infant this unfortunately manifested in needing to be carried all the time. But once she hit 1 1/2, she became really great at playing with other children, and loves going over to her friends' houses, so I had a comparatively easy time later on. Until then, one of the only things that would occupy my daughter would be watching ''older'' kids, even a few months older than her. She was never interested in toys, but if another kid was around that fascinated her. (animals are pretty good for watching too.)

Just to keep your sanity, do you have any childcare? It can really be a relief to have someone other than you or your husband carry your child around for a few hours. Also, another person may discover a way to put your son down that you haven't found yet. Even if you hire someone for 1/2 day a week, it can really help.

Another thing-try all the different baby equipment that exists in the world to find out if one suits your baby more than others-go to the store and sit him in every bouncy chair, maybe one is more comfortable than the others. Same with sleeping equipment-have you tried the Amby baby hammock (that was a huge back-saver for me) or putting him to sleep in the carseat? Karen

We learned lots of survival techniques, and talked with other parents of high-needs babies. I'm happy to talk with you sometime about our experiences. There are great things and really, really hard things about having a baby like this. I can share with you the view a year and a half later--it is mostly great. Our daughter remains intense, she will probably never be an easygoing kind of kid, but the extreme fussiness has passed. Sleep is still a huge challenge for us relative to other families with toddlers this age, but we have just come to realize that ''normal'' for our family doesn't look like what others would consider normal. Please email me if you'd like to talk more--it's a marathon and not a sprint with a baby like yours, so you have to pace yourself and talk with other parents who have similar challenges. Hang in there, it does get lots better. Julie

This article was very helpful and recommends a book that I haven't yet read: http://parenting.ivillage.com/gs/gsbehavior/0,,45pv,00.html

In the meantime, be sure that your baby isn't getting overstimulated by music that may be too loud, or secondhand smoke, or itchy wool socks, or a wet diaper. It takes a bit more diligence but it's not insurmountable. And the sling is a great place for him to be, if he likes it. I miss carrying my girl around in it! valerie

My son had 7 rounds of vaccuum extraction, a resulting nasty wound on his head, and spent 5 days in the NICU. At the advice of a friend, we took him to see a cranial-sachral (sp?) therapist named Nancy Burke. i cant succinctly this (im not sure if you are familiar with it), but we started taking him at just under two months and its delt these issues. It is very gentle body work, kinda is similar to accupressure but very very gentle. my kid LOVES going, falls asleep soundly when she is working on him, and is in a great mood afterwards. She specializes in working with infants who have had tramautic births, specifically vaccuum extraction. I dont know if this applies to you or not but email if you want more info. also, we do infant massage with my son, and this is great. Its a great way to give him very focused attention without him being in your arms, so he can get used to this. genevieve

Someone once told me, ''Spirited kids make expert parents.'' There are so many days when I feel like the least experienced parent in the world, but I try to remind myself both that my child is more challenging than most and that I am learning every day how to be a better parent to this child.

I highly recommend Raising Your Spirited Child by Kurcinka. It focuses more on older kids, starting around toddler age, but it may help you understand your son better now, as well as prepare for the future.

Remember that, even when you look around and see only content babies sitting quietly in their strollers, you are not alone. There are plenty of babies like yours and mine, who will likely grow up to be the loving, creative, perceptive, sensitive adults we always hoped they would be. -Mom of another spirited baby

Dealing with 5-mo-old with difficult temperment

Our daughter is almost five months old. From the beginning, she was difficult. Everyone kept saying she had colic..... until the behavior continued to persist past 12 weeks. She'd scream for hours at very unpredictable times, she'd be unconsolable, she would not sleep, she refused to be cuddled. Her sleeping has been very irratic and also unpredictable. We've never been able to sit and hold her calmly without having to bounce or jiggle her. We've never been able to take her out in public. She never liked the sling or the Bjorn. Our bonding with her has been totally compromised even though we have tried EVERYTHING.

She did have tummy issues for a while. A lot of gas and cramps. We thought that was why nothing seemed to make her happy. But now that those issues have past, she still is miserable, unpredictable, and doesn't like to cuddle.

Now she is five months old, she won't sleep at all during the day, doesn't sleep for more than a few hours at a time at night. We know she is exhausted, but she won't sleep. We've tried to let her ''cry it out'' but that didn't seem to do anything except for make her cries turn into that of a wild animal who was being killed.

My husband and I have NO life. We are so unhappy and question every single day what we've done. I keep thinking that perhaps she has bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder or some type of mental disorder, but the doctors keep saying that since she is growing, gaining weight and meeting all the developmental milestones that she is fine. They also say its too early for some type of personality disorder to show up. Is that possible that our five month old has major mental problems? Are we doomed for life? We've seen every ''specialist'' and they all say its too early to tell. The bottom line is that I'd like to know if there are others out there who've had this type of child. And if so, how did you survive it mentally.... and how did your child turn out as they got older?

We do feel lucky and fortunate and blessed that we were able to conceive and produce a child. What a miracle! But, the past five months have been miserable for us. We love our daughter because she is our daughter, but a lot of the time, we don't like our daughter and we are so fearful of our future with our daughter. We don't like what our lives have become. We don't like walkingon eggshells all the time. We don't like that nothing in our lives is predictable, there is no routine, no pattern.

Every month that has passed, friends and family would say that this would be the month that she'd get ''better''. The one good thing that has gotten better is her stomach. She still isn't a smiley baby (although she does smile sometimes witha lot of effort from us), she doesn't seem content to just sit with us and receive our love, she seems to have no ability to soothe herself, she seems to be VERY INTENSE and very tense the majority of the time, there is no rhyme or reason to her moods, a crying fit can start in a split second after she was just laughing, she doesn't like to be touched or massaged, there is nothing predictable about her. Basically, it sucks. Is there ANYONE out there who can relate????? Elizabeth

There is help out there for you and your family. From the bottom of my heart I hope you will take this next step and call Talkline so you can have the support and guidance to get you through this very difficult time. Again, Talkline is available 24 hours/day, 7 days/week--day and night. All the best to you and your family. Dana

At about 6 months I was able to get him into a forward facing sling (the other positions just caused him to wail) and a baby bjorn, that helped me be able to do something other than just feel helpless - walking did seem to help us both. He really began to make more improvement as he became able to walk and control his world a bit more. He was driven to walk early, 11 mo. and although he certainly continued to be very sensitive to loud sounds, strange situations and new people until he was about 2 years old - he has since become very good natured, loving, very socially adept, outgoing and overall very easy! (As easy as a rambunctious 3 1/2 y.o. boy can be...) I sympathize with your feelings about your loss of lifestyle and not liking your child. I've always said that if I had been a 16 year old mom with a personality disorder - I would have thrown him out the window sometime during that first 12 months. I thought I was going to die with exhaustion and disappointment. Every book said that sleep training would work, but it didn't. Every book seemed to suggest that a feeding schedule would help, but my son couldn't adapt to one (schedule of any sort - sleep, food, mood etc.).

When he was about a year old I began to get 2 days of child care with a small play group - a co-op. It helped me maintain my sanity. It took him about 5 months to adjust to it, but I just spent a lot of time making the transition. It was a godsend and he learned to love other kids and I think in the long run it helped us both. I really needed some time away from the crying! I was so tired I had no option but to let go of having a normal life for a couple years, and luckily I ended up with a happy kid. Really, I love him and like him now. (-; And my husband and I are back to being able to go out for dinner, to movies and enjoying life.

I wish you the best. I hope she mellows out for your sake. If she doesn't - read ''How to Raise A Spirited Child'' and hold on tight! mombo

When our son was a couple of weeks old, he started waking up 5 times every night and during the day had to be carried around almost constantly. This was tiring, exhausting in fact, but we made it through. We discovered that our son had an adverse reaction to any and all soy products. He was getting soy through my breast milk, as I consumed soy milk, tofu, etc. When I stopped 100% the consumption of soy foods, he became a much happier child. I believe that he was in pain all this time and his only way of coping with his physical pain was through fussing and his only relief was being carried around; the movement helped to settle his stomach a bit.

My son is now 10 years old and still can't have any soy products. If he eats any he gets very grouchy and is very difficult to be around.

I realize that your daughter may be having some other difficulty, and that the soy problem just happened to have been a big issue for my son. But please consider the fact that your daughter may be having some physical pain or discomfort that she is trying to deal with, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel for all of you.

Our son does have a difficult temperament as well as the soy sensitivity. (When we took him to an allergist, they tested him for soy. The allergist said he was not allergic to soy, even though he threw up 10 minutes after the skin scratch test took place. We were told he was just 'nervous about the test' since he didn't have any swelling at the site, they said he didn't have problems with soy.) He's quite intense, he's very bright, he can be dramatic, he feels pain intensely (teeth eruptions can be very very hard for him), but he's very thoughtful, sensitive, curious, and gifted with language, and very lovable at times, and we try to love him when he's not being lovable, because the world is a harder place for him than it may be for a child of a different temperament.

We also visited the bipolar issue when he was 6 or 7, but he turns out not to have that diagnosis, although he has mild ADHD. Things will improve; good luck, get some rest, and please feel free to get in contact if you want to get in touch with us personally, by sending a message to the moderator. Please do make sure to pursue the food sensitivity issue, both with an allergen-elimination diet, and allergy testing. Best wishes

The good news is that in most cases it gets better as some physical issues (mysteriously!) disappear, as you learn to read her cues and as she learns what to expect and how to engage better. Take heart that it's never too late to bond with your daughter! Studies have shown that babies who cry a lot when young are not adversely affected in the long term; some researchers even think it can be good for them. Even babies in VERY extreme situations (who aren't held or nurtured at all) can blossom beautifully. I don't think your current situation foretells the future at all. Every child eventually learns how to be soothed. The key, though, is to stay connected and open to your daughter and her needs. If your bonding is being compromised, then you need to take a break and/or talk to somebody about it. I know it's sounds impossible when you feel absolutely maxed out, but you have to find a way to take care of yourselves, so you have the energy and will to take care of her. It will definitely get better, but you have to maintain your perspective and sanity. Also, here's a weird, random suggestion that you should take with a grain of salt. There's a web site called The Preventive Ounce (www.preventiveoz.org), where you can fill out a questionnaire to get a snapshot of your child's temperament (and potential future behavior) - although I don't think the results are entirely accurate, they break things down into different scales (Sensitivity, Adaptability, Soothability, etc.) that might give you some insight into your child's behavior and help you understand how to better focus your efforts. Good luck!! JC

I could tell that he was not going to be one of those babies that could learn easily to fall asleep on his own, and he has nursed back to sleep (or needed some assistance - rocking, bouncing, etc.) to this day. He now does rock to sleep though, rather than nursing, but still wakes up a bunch of times at night. If I hadn't done the family bed and nursed him back to sleep for so long, and had had my husband or me just rock him, I think he would more or less sleep through the night now, but I probably overdid the night nursing thing and now he has a deep habit. I'm tired, but I simply couldn't break his spirit by doing the crying out thing (though finally at one year I've been able to withstand some crying while lying next to him trying to get him to go back to sleep without nursing - which was sort of successful until we went on vacation over the holidays at which time we backslid - we'll just have to start over soon - but just wa! it until they start plaintively calling ''mama'') - so to summarize, your daughter is unique and probably is just needing extra time to adjust.

If it HAS gotten slightly better over time (you mention that you CAN get her to smile), that's the pattern to expect. It's just going to get better and better, just more slowly. My son seems bright and engaged and happy now, though still high maintenance. If we have to rock him to sleep for three years, so be it. They are precious moments that I know won't last. Just remember that these first few years are sooo critical to their brain development and personhood, and all that you're doing now will make a huge difference in the future. I did not actually witness or feel my son's attachment to me (other than his pleasure and need while nursing) until he was about 9 months old or so, but now we're so bonded.

However, you will continue to feel traumatized for awhile. I've felt quite traumatized, and sometimes, especially during those first four months, couldn't believe how difficult it all was. Your daughter sounds more extreme, so that will set the tone for everything probably: your recovery, her improvement, etc. Good luck and don't give up! P.S. Go buy an exercise ball immediately if you haven't already tried it. An empathic supporter

Well, she is now 22 months old, and she's amazingly happy. She loves to cuddle and give hugs. She naps now and sleeps through the night. She's social, funny, artistic, energetic, and has amazing language skills. She still hates being comforted and insists on doing everything herself, but I think that's just the independent personality that she has.

What I'm trying to say is that it will get better. As she became mobile, I just stepped back and let her do her own thing. I truly think that she was frustrated by her immobility since birth! One thing that might help you and your husband is to get some time alone. Have a date night a few times a month. Give each other an afternoon off every week. Get yourself some support. I don't know how comfortable you are reaching out,! but that's what I needed to do. You can contact me at any time. I can be an ear to listen or even help you with babysitting. I've been there, and I know it may feel hopeless, but it's not. happycamper

I would agree with someone else's suggestion to tone down the stimulation the child is getting and see if that helps. Human babies (generally speaking) are very immature upon birth, and their neurological systems still need a lot of time -- some more than others. My daughter, and perhaps yours, needed extra time for her brain to develop. She loved the stimulation but didn't know (none of us knew) her brain couldn't handle it and by the end of the day she was on overload.

Last, I'd highly recommend a book called, ''The Out-Of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping With Sensory Integration Dysfunction'' by Carol Stock Kranowitz. SID is the brain's inability to accurately process sensory input (visial, auditory, tactile, etc). While the book may be most helpful for slightly older children, it's a very easy read and might give you some insights into how to handle your daughter. Best of luck. You will get through it. Really. sel

High need 7-month-old can't nap by himself

Our 7 month old son is a wonderful little guy, but has been a high needs baby from the very beginning (lots of crying, needs to be held all the time, difficult sleeper, etc.). He currently co-sleeps with us. We have tried to transition him to the crib a few times, but he will wake up every 20-30 minutes and cry (even in our arms) until we bring him to our bed. His night sleep isn't too bad, but he can't take naps without me there with him. I know this is not sustainable and don't know what to do. Because of his strong willed personality and my own hesitation with cry it out, we haven't resorted to that. Has anyone had a baby like this and, if so, how did you get them to nap on their own? Thanks, tired mom of a high need baby

High needs 8.5-mo-old nurses all night!

Help! We are at our wit's end & ready to change what has turned into a very challenging situation! We have a wonderful 8.5 month old daughter who co- sleeps & nurses all night!(every 2 hours- on a good night) Sleeping in her crib seemed not to work only because she would be up just as often to nurse & she is a very light sleeper. As soon as she is put down in the crib, she is awake again & not easily soothed.(picture trying to nurse bending over the crib) She is high needs & has quite a temper+cry & simply won't take anything other than the breast. We have been against letting her cry it out for obvious reasons but also because I am sure she would just continue to cry for as long as we left her. After almost 5 months of this I am exhausted to the point of being ready to try anything! I am not only sleep deprived but also fear she will never be able to sleep w/o being nursed. To complicate the issue, weaning her in a few months seems like it may be IMPOSSIBLE! I am thinking of hiring a sleep consultant but fear their methods may not be applicable with my very strong willed little girl. Any suggestions, ideas or experiences would be appreciated.

I hope-hope-hope your daughter is not afflicted with OCD or anything else ... but I did want to share with you that some behaviors are not under anyone's control ... and as a parent, if this is the case, you shouldn't end up blaming yourself. No name, naturally!

Second, the key to nightweaning is to have your husband or another adult who you trust implicitly (and who the child is close to) do the hard work. Have your husband to sleep in another room with your child (to be away from your scent). When the child wakes, your husband will need to try to comfort your child with all means necessary -- hugging, singing, walking, bouncing, offering water from a sippy cup, etc...) It will be excrutiatingly difficult for him... and not so easy for you... but the child will feel loved.

It took us about three nights of this until our boy was sleeping through the night. At five nights, he returned to bed with me and did not ''ask'' to nurse (very often). When he did ''ask,'' I told him that nursing was sleeping and he could nurse in the morning... and then soothed him. He accepted this without problem.

Third, expect there to be relapses. Our son got sick and I chose to return to nursing during the night. It only took a couple nights of sleeping with my husband for him to start again. It really works, but requires commitment on your part and extreme patience and lack of sleep for someone else. Blissfully Sleeping w Our Boy

It was the toughest time of my life, but as soon as my wonderful lactation specialist recommended that i just bring her in bed with me, i got more sleep, and she was happier. Babies know what they want-- they want to be with you -- a nice warm body, her mom.

The time really does go by a lot faster than you realize. I think of it as a gradual weaning process. If you decide that it's really no big deal that she sleeps with you, and actually snuggly and reasurring for her, then i think you won't be so worried about it. Lucky for you that our culture has gotten back to connecting with our babies more than even 8 years ago when the whole movement seemed to be forging a new path. There are ways to get her to nurse less at night and more during the day, I bet Dr. Sears recommends some. And they do go thru phases. Maybe you can increase her snuggle time and baby food intake during the day. I assume she's eating baby food by now. Also, we really liked the baby bjorn. Make sure you don't drive when you're tired. Feel free to email me. I know it's hard. heather