Finding support and acceptance as a younger mom

I hope this doesn't sound ridiculous...

But I am 24 and just had my first son. He was an unplanned surprise but wonderful and we love him all the same. However, I feel like in the Bay Area so many people look at me like I had a baby at 16!

I have attended numerous mom's groups and made an effort to reach out to other mother's (most of whom are 8 to 10 years older than me) and I feel like they do not reciprocate, or if they do they treat me like a child.

Yesterday, I went to a new mom's group and a women actually asked me, ''How do you afford to have a child at your age?'' I was shocked! First of all, Both my husband and I have college degrees and have careers. We are financially stable and my son is not suffering because of my age! However, I feel like so many women think that he is and frankly, it makes me feel like an outcast.

So my question is where do I go to find mom's who can be supportive and accepting of me and my child without judgement? I am not a teen mother and although I may be on the younger side I am completely comfortable with my choice to be a mom.

All I want is for other mom's to give me the respect and consideration that they do the other moms because I want my son to be able to play with the neighborhood children when he gets older and not be the ''kid with the young parents''.

Thanks for the advice Young-ish mama Anon

I suspect some of those moms who are being rude are having similar feelings, but you're going to find people who are jerks regardless of the reason. Just keep searching until you find people you click with. They may or may not be your age; I had plenty of friends who were 8-10 years older than me. I don't have specific ideas for you, other than persistence (co-op preschools can be great ways to meet people, but since you mentioned a career that might not be an option for you).

Now that I'm 45, I still have to work to find other parent-friends. Maybe it's because I'm older than them and they're not interested. being a young mom is great

I don't have a lot of good advice about meeting other young moms - I wasn't really able to find them. The local playgrounds can be good (I went to totland recently with a friend and it was nice), I met some nice people through a kid's music class and I also met a lot of nice parents when my son started preschool. I think the key is more than age, finding people who share your values and people you can relate to.

Also even though I wanted to have a baby it took me a while to grow into being a parent and a confident mom. As I became more confident in my abilities as a mom I began to care less about the weird things people said to me, which I realize now were often projections of their own issues about age or just a general lack of tact. It's tough and I feel for you - being a young mom here can be very isolating. Best of luck and I hope you meet some great people! Been there

I'm curious to know if you are actually in Berkeley proper or in a neighboring city. I ask because, although I am not a younger mom (I am 33), I found that people in Berkeley were a lot harder to connect with than people in neighboring cities. I moved to El Cerrito and am in Moms group here that seems more accepting and although most of us are closer my age, I think you would feel more welcome. Also, there are some women who have much older children so they started their families when they were closer to your age.

Feel free to PM me through the moderator if you want the info on this group. There are people who do not live in El Cerrito. Also, if you ever want to hang with someone who doesn't care how old you are feel free to give me a shout. I'm about to be out of town for an extended time (through the end of the year) but am around after that. Hang in there. Im sure you are a great Mom! A friendly Mama

i think if you just hold your ground (and by that, i mean, just keep going to those groups and participating in spite of the judgment), you'll find that as other moms get to know you a bit some of them will let go of the assumptions. the ones that don't will get weeded out of your inner circle as time goes on. and when someone says something like ''how do you afford it?'' just be confident and say ''the same way you do- i work.''

thanks for your post. i'll definitely remember it next time i hang out with a younger mom.... maia

My husband and I chose to have our first child when I was in law school at 23. He was 25. We wanted to be young parents and build our careers around the kids, not try to fit kids in later. Now in our late 30s we have a high school student and junior high student and are easily 10-15 years younger than most of their friends parents. I had no mom's group when either was little because I was treated exactly as you describe. In our birthing class for the first child no one spoke to us, we were treated like unwed teen parents. Even now it can be difficult to connect with other families at our children's grade level - most of the people our age have pre-school or kindergarten kids! We do have a lot of friends and I have to say the vast majority are people we have connected with based on our interests, not just through the kids, though there is some overlap. Being a part of other social organizations or even religious communities helps because it provides a broader group of people to draw from.

The fact is that it may well be financially harder to have kids young, but you can always respond with a nice retort like, ''well we all make choices based on what works best for us.'' Or one of my responses was always, ''babies don't really need a lot of fancy stuff.'' Remember also that when these people are sending kids off to college at 60+, you will be in your early 40s! Also - don't let anyone tell you that you don't know what you are doing as a parent because you are too young - you have exactly as much parenting experience as anyone else with a child the same age as yours - you just have less life baggage! Maggie

There definitely are younger moms around, they probably just don't say their age to anyone (I think most other moms just think I look good for my age). I don't have any advice, except not to bring up your age, and if asked (I still can't believe people think it's okay to ask anyone their age once you're not a kid.) be vague. Then it's not an issue, or they're the jerk for making it an issue.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time finding your group of moms, but seriously, keep trying! There are accepting and young moms around, you just need to look in different places. I found a great group of moms through my neighborhood listserv, my neighbors happen to have a son the same age as my son, and a bunch of friends of friends have kids the same age. Somehow all of these different people have turned out to be great people to bond with over parenthood. We don't even talk about our ages, but there's a range from 26 to 42.

Also, have you read www.girlsgonechild.net ? She's a blogger who got unexpectedly pregnant at 23 - she now has several more children, but she wrote some great stuff about being a young mom in LA, where most moms were in their late 30s.

Hopefully you can find some mom/parent friends who you can bond with! Good luck! youngish mom

Why are you broadcasting your age, anyway? (Not that our ages are anything to be ashamed of, but I don't know the ages of many of my mom friends and acquaintances -- it just doesn't come up in conversation very often.)

I do know that when I meet a young mom, such as yourself, it's ME who feels self-conscious and defensive! I worry that it's youthful, fresh-loooking you that would be judgmental and find me old and out-of-touch and generally too un-hip to be your friend. Maybe some of these older moms feel similarly defensive?

I think you should let this go (minus the rude comments of course) and be open to being friends of new moms of all ages. Older mom who colors her hair!

Ironically, I turned 40 last year and gave birth to my third baby. Now I'm on the other side of it as an older mom. Most people I interact with are younger than me. Although you would probably rather hang out with moms closer to your age and also first time moms, I would like to ''pay it forward'' and offer my ''new mom'' companionship. What I realized when I read your post is that regardless of age, new moms are on a level playing field. Even though I have older kids, its been 14 years since I had a baby and there's a lot I don't remember. Please contact the moderator for my email if you would like to get together! new old mom

I want to say also I think you're giving your son a huge gift by having him young. My parents were your age when they had us and it is so nice to still have them be so vital - they have the health and the energy to do all sorts of things including travel and hike with us, help out with my daughter (and my sister's new baby). It's a gift I'm infinitely grateful for, and a child of older parents probably won't get to have this. You have my respect and admiration! late bloomer older mom

Congratulations on the birth of your son! I'm sorry to hear that you've had some less than supportive experiences with other moms regarding your age. I'd love to have you attend the new moms' support group that I facilitate at Banana's in Oakland. My next series starts the first Tuesday in November (and runs for three weeks). We meet from 10:30 - noon. Moms of all ages are welcome and encouraged to attend.

Please find more information (and to register for the group) on the Bananas website (www.bananasinc.org). You can also get more information about my group and the other services that I offer as a New Parent Coach on my website (www.newparentcoach.com). I hope to meet you and your son soon. Shauna

I am now 31 with two close groups of friends my age; one WITH, one WITHOUT kids.

WITHOUT are stressing about having only 5 or so years left of ideal baby carrying. We all have degrees, some nurses, one even an OBGYN/L&D Nrs Pract. All raised American, independent, strong-willed, and most are 1st generation (from around the world). We were raised to get an education, career, and somehow figure out a family. In contrast to our parents: my mom was raised to be a mother & a wife. Our parents strove to provide opportunity/choices. But is this better?

WITH are Muslim. Raised American, some 1st generation, all varying ethnicities. We met before our kids existed and there was never a plan although our eldest kids were born the same year, with myself leading the second round. I don't believe either one is BETTER. It is a personal choice. I'm very thankful to have 'gotten my kids out of the way'. I'm not stressing about settling down and producing a kid or two on a deadline. I also knew I didn't want to be an old parent; calculating the oldest I would be comfortable being when my kids are 18-21yo. But that's me. I'm friends with older moms, too, who respect my parenting, regardless of age. Just because one person didn't feel prepared/capable to have a child is no reflection of you!

Should every aspect of your life be "planned". Does it really work out that way? Is a person bad if they didn't share your plan?

Sometimes religious/philosophical/cultural paradigms shape our views to the extreme - when we not only live our lives by them, but judge others against them. If you're having difficulty clicking with your neighborhood, try a different approach. Make a commitment to attend ONE parent & kid interest group meeting/playgroup. A nurturing connection is worth driving to. If age seems to be the great divide in your 'hood, scope out different ethnic/cultural groups at the playground, talk to moms at the supermarket who are under 35-40. There's usually more in common than one would think. I don't get along with everyone, but have found most moms to be happy to interact. Make an effort to connect with moms who are approachable about ANYTHING (don't worry too much about seeming creepy/desperate/neglected). After practicing, you'll be able to radar a possible connection.

What about participating in something social for yourself, where you can build friendships based on YOU? (My whole family benefits from this!) That's potentially kid-friendly, but not kid-oriented? Best of Luck! malama pono na keiki

I felt very isolated as a new mom in Berkeley. Currently I am 26 and mom of two now (second baby was planned). I never did find other moms my age to connect with in the Bay Area, and a month ago my husband finished his PhD and we moved back to the East Coast for a job close to my parents. I have been kind of in shock since arriving- nearly all the moms I meet are my age! I have made several friends already. It's been nice.

I don't know what to advise if you plan to stay in the Bay Area in terms of meeting other moms and playmates for your child. But I can highly recommend an online forum I joined when my son was 6 months old to combat the isolation I felt. While the site is geared at supporting teen moms, there is a strong community of young but NOT teen moms there as well. In fact, most the moms on the site are in their mid 20s. It has been a life saver for me and I made lasting friendships there. The site is http://www.youngmommies.com/ymboards/index.php

Also feel free to request my email from the mods if you'd like to talk. Been there

You have gotten a lot of great responses so far. Most of which were spot on. I agree the negative comments you are getting are from folks projecting their own insecurities.

The only bit of advice I (partially) disagree with is to stick with your moms groups because people will bring their guard down/get to know you better/ etc. They may or may not. Mom's groups come in all flavors and varieties. Run in the opposite direction if it is clear you are not clicking with these mamas. There will be other opportunities and other groups. I was in a new mom's group when my son was just born and I realized the only thing we had in common was our kids were born within a few months of each other. We had extremely varying viewpoints on a whole host of parenting topics. I was really uncomfortable for a while until my mom suggested it would be ok for me to stop going.

In your post you said you have already been to several moms groups. My advice to you is to keep looking until you find the Mamas who appreciate you and your point of view. If you haven't tried them yet and are interested, LaLeche is great for nursing moms. or you may have better luck starting with one other mom and building from there. I don't know why, but as another person said, it takes a while. Good luck and know you have a lot of folks rooting for you! 40ish Mom

Currently with all these advances in fertility treatments, older women are able to get pregnant. Also here in the bay area there a lot ''professional'' women who wait later in life to have kids. So it seems like we are the exception and not the rule. I am confident that with all the love I have for my son, he will be well taken care of. I think there is so much superficiality and competitiveness that anything other than ''normal'' is looked down upon.

Sorry I can't offer you a specific group. But hopefully I'm not telling you anything new, you love your baby, your husband loves you and your baby and you'll do anything to give him the best so he'll do great and so will you. Lupe

Second, I would suggest that insofar as you are able, you should hear these other moms' comments as reflections on their own lives, not yours. When someone says, How can you afford kids at your age, she is really saying, I could not have afforded kids at your age (because I was sleeping on a futon in a flophouse with 6 roommates while screwing Mr. Wrong and waiting for someone to tell me what to do with my life). As a mom who had my first at 35, I imagine that most of the judgment you are hearing is due to these women being thoughtless, not malicious or consciously judgmental. Some of it might even be other moms' awkward way of expressing admiration or envy. I doubt very much that anyone actually thinks your child is suffering b/c of your age! That's nuts. And anyone who would actually think that wouldn't be worth having as a friend anyway. Maybe you could practice some gentle ways of directing these women's attention to their insensitivity by re-directing the conversation back to them. So when someone says, how do you afford kids at your age, you say, my husband and I haven't found it that hard. Why? What was it like for you at this age? And who knows? Maybe someone out there will surprise you by confiding in you about her sordid, difficult past and a friendship will be born. Honestly, I believe that new moms have so much in common just based on being moms. Focus on that and don't give up. It is WORTH IT to find mom friends who really work for you - my mom friends are absolutely my sanity, and it has been well worth going out of my way to get to know them (and also well worth putting up with weird crap from moms I didn't click with. That judgmental stuff can happen to anyone of any age...)

Finally, if the age discussions are really just causing you a lot of pain, go out of your way to avoid them. My mom was a SAHM in the 70's who also happened to have a Ph.D. in chemistry. She found out very quickly that as soon as other moms found out she had a Ph.D. they stopped being her friend. So she actively hid her education and her brainy side. I remember being horrified as a feminist teenager when she told me that. But she didn't (doesn't) regret it. It was too important to her not to go through motherhood alone and without friends. And honestly, when she got to know a person really well, they didn't care anymore that she's a total brainiac. Good luck finding your niche. And thanks for posting. I will be more careful in the ways I admire young moms in future. an older mommy

A lot of that changed when I decided to move past my own insecurities, and tried to find things that I DID have in common with the older mothers. There were things I couldn't talk about (discussing how easy it was for you to get pregnant is not always the best topic when in the company of older moms), and discussions I couldn't partake in (older moms DO tend to have more financial stability, so I often was left out of those housekeeper versus mother helper discussions), but there was plenty in between. My true friendships didn't form with the other moms until my son started preschool. That gives you a LOT in common, and it was easy enough to find the more laid back and fun moms in the bunch. Yes, it is annoying to be mistaken for the nanny. But it must also be annoying to be mistaken for the grandmother. Good luck! Young Mom-- Only in the Bay!

I had mine ... after my third decade, not becasue I was excelling in a competative professional life, but b/c it took me that long to get it together. I'm a bit of a procrastinator. So, please give yourself a high five for being a self aware and together young mother. I bet you have a loads more energy and a many fewer aches than I do. anon

Being a young mom is hard in the bay area!

Hey everyone! I looked in the archives to see if there was some magical place that young moms hang out or something but all I found was an article from a person who has a similar problem as me dated 2003... Basically I graduated from art school last year... Absolutely none of my friends out here are even remotely thinking about having children.... And they have also slowly stopped hanging out with me regularly assuming that I won't be able to hang out anyway (annoying)... So basically I am posting this to find either young moms/dads (or moms/dads who don't mind that I'm only 25) who have a child or children about the same age as my child (Quin is 2). I would prefer parents who are open minded, radical, liberal, with perhaps a little dash of anarchy (in a good way)

Perhaps you refer to your child according to their sex but don't necessarily believe that constitutes their gender... Preferably you believe that kids that identify as boys can still be princesses and that little girls can be kings. We are free to chill all day long from sun up until Quin's papa gets home at 4:30 so get a hold of us! Quin (and I) need family fun friends! stefanie

Bay Area young-ish mom blues

as a 32-y.o. mom with a 7 and a 4 year old, I know I'm not extremely young, but feel lately a bit out of sorts with other bay area families that I know, all of whom are older. Many who did not previously realize my age seem subtly judgemental when they hear it, and I end up feeling a little ashamed, as if having had my first child at the end of grad school here is the equivalent of having ''accidentally'' had kids in high school somewhere else; and mostly as if my conscious choices were not politically enlightened (i.e. stay at home, undeveloped career on hold.) I do not have regrets about my choices just am feeling a bit out of place and think I am experiencing a lack of acceptance/ unspoken judement from the older generations (5-15 years older.)Any thoughts, advice welcomed, Thanks. relatively young

Believe me, there are plenty of young moms out there, a whole lot that are younger than you. And mostly, there are a lot of ''older'' moms, who would not think twice about your decisions to have kids in your 20s. I doubt as many of them are judging you as you think. Some of my mom-friends who are in their late 30s or early 40s commend me for having kids young, especially after some of the problems they had to go through to conceive. So maybe they're just thinking about how lucky you are. Anyway, be proud to be a mom, whether you're in your 20s, 30s, 40s, or whatever! another youngish mom

How to meet other young parents?

Hi, My husband and I moved to Albany with a 3 month old from S. Cal. We've been here for a month and my husband just started graduate school at UC Berkeley. Anyhow, I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions about how to meet other young moms/parents!? I'm a stay at home mom and am only 24 (my husband is 23)...so, we're on the younger side. I've checked into Mother's groups, but can't afford the expense to be in one. It seems sort of like a silly question, but what's the best way to meet people in the Bay area? thanks, Kelly

I've given up. I'm the same age my mom and my aunts were when *they had kids...but today, at least in California, it seems like being a young mother is really frowned on. Sara

I have noticed three young stay at home moms at Memorial Park in Albany. All three were very friendly and in general it seemed like all of the moms there were open to talking. I have not had as much luck at Thousand Oaks Park. We mostly go to Memorial now.

I think that if you label a group as too old you may limit yourself from experiencing some good relationships. I hope someone wouldn't discount me just because I am (gasp!)38 Young at Heart

Young parents feeling out of place

My husband and I recently moved to Berkeley from the deep south, where we both grew up and had a great circle of friends. We are both 23 years old and we have a two year old daughter.

Ever since we moved here, we've felt sort of ''out of place'', being much younger than other berkley parents. When I take my daughter to the park or wherever, I feel like everyone assumes I'm the nanny, just like someone mentioned in the ''mid-forties'' thread..

Walking around Berkeley, all I seem to see are people under 25 that look like ''free spirited'' college students that my husband and I feel would never want to hang out with parents of a 2-year-old -- or I see parents in their mid thirties or fourties, who we also don't have much of anything in common with (my own parents are not much older than them!).

My husband and I love every minute we spend with our daughter, but we need some friends of our own! Are there any other under 25 parents out there that can let us know how to connect with people our age? We are both in graduate school, but even the other parents at school are much older. We moved out here not knowing a single person, and we're still feeling really out of place. Help!! meg

Whenever I see another young mom with her child walking around, or even at the supermarket I always want to ask her if she wants to *be my friend*, but I never have the nerve to! I even talked to this super cool girl and her baby once, but it never escalated from there. And like you we go to parks a lot too (I work part time at UCB), but I often find most of the younger ladies with kids are nannies too and I don't really need any more friends that don't have kids ( ; We go to lots of outdoor music events and always see a lot of younger parents there and always strike up nice conversations with them. I guess it just takes time.

Email me if you want to meet at a park sometime. Perhaps you'll get a lot of people writing to your post and we could all meet at a park on a Sunday or something! Jami