• I've just discovered that my husband cross-dresses
• Feeling very alone about my transgendered husband
• Related page: When Boys Want to be Girls
• See also: Talking to Kids about Gender

I've just discovered that my husband cross-dresses

After more than 5 years of marriage, with one child and a baby on the way within a month, I discovered that my husband cross- dresses for sexual pleasure. I found a stocking package in the garbage, and (after a lot of questioning) it was all revealed: his active fantasy life as a provocatively dressed women and his secret cache of clothes, with $1300 spent on stilettos, lingerie, outfits and other paraphernalia just in the last year. Our marriage has basically been of the low-sex variety, and we have talked about it a lot (and I have cried about it a lot), but he never told me about his secret life. Looking back, I now see that he invested almost all his sexual energy into cross-dressed masturbation.

He maintains that he is heterosexual and has no desire to really be a woman. He maintains that he doesn’t have a name for this woman he dresses up as, and that he has no interest in going out in public as a female or in talking with other transvestites. He feels ashamed, embarrassed, and very sorry for the hurt he has caused me. He says that he wants to save our marriage, above all. He has been willing to answer almost all of my many questions, though I continue to catch him in lies about some of the details of his purchases and activities. He has also been making a good effort sexually: since the revelations a few weeks ago, we have probably had more sex than in the past two or three years combined.

He says he is willing to go to therapy and to stop crossdressing, though everything I have read says that it will be very difficult (or impossible) for him to stop doing it. He has done it since he was a teenager. As for my part, I do not feel willing to “accept” what he does. I want to be with a person who is more turned on by me than by looking at himself in high heels and a miniskirt. In my view, his selfish pleasures have been the source of my pain and loneliness, and I feel strongly that it is him who should change, not me. Has anyone been in this situation, or a similar one? Can I reasonably hope that he can and will change? A cross-dresser's wife

I soon realised though that there is a self obsession tied up in crossdressing that I couldn't live with. I really felt jealousy for the ''other woman'' that he was obsessed with. On the other hand, i know lots of women manage to stay in relationships like this. I think it comes down to how the issue is communicated about and understood between teh two of you. Therapy will not change your husband's fetish but it can help with the communication between you both around the issue. Even then you may feel this is something you cannot live with. You didn't enter into the marriage knowing this about your husband; you need to reassess the situation. crossdressers daughter

You said: ''I feel strongly that it is him who should change, not me.'' In my opinion and experience, any time there is a conflict, both people in the relationship have to change, or else it's not really going to work.

Really, he will love you all the more for accepting this part of him. But do start slowly so that you really get comfortable with it all. No sense in either of you being dishonest. Kink's Not Bad

Since I found out about his secret, it has made me realize that perhaps we never really know some people, even our mate; and do we really need to know everything? Well, if our safety from HIV is concerned, yes of course. If we find out these ''awful'' secrets, is it our right to feel utterly betrayed and to demand changes in behavior and what secrets do we have, the ''normal'' half of the relationship? Sexuality is a very complex and a very slippery slope; some people exist at many levels of sexual activity, interest, response, at the same time. For them it feels ''normal.'' Is this wrong? Susan

I was saddened to hear that you choose to see the lack of sex in your relationship as being a result of his ''selfish'' pleasures. Is it not possible that the lack of the sex was because he was afraid to reveal himself to you? After all, transvestitism is extremely misunderstood, and usually reviled.

I do think your husband was extremely irresponsible not to have revealed this to you BEFORE you got married. He had no business entering a marriage without knowing how you would feel about his transvetitism once you found out (instead, perhaps fooling himself into believing he could hide it from you forever).

But how are *you* not being selfish right back? Are you willing to make any effort to learn to accept who and what he is and see if you cannot learn to incorporate that into your sex-life with him? How is it loving to say ''you change who you are to accomodate me, so I don't have to learn to accomodate you.''

Here of course, is the problem with his not revealing himself to you before you got married: you may be some one who is unable to accept him as he is, and cannot enjoy sex with a transvestite - he had a responsibility to find out and move on when he found out that you weren't interested in learning to understand his ''peculiarity.''

It seems to me that for your marriage to continue to grow and be happy, there needs to be MUTUAL understanding, acceptance and willingness to grow (change) and explore. I'm afraid it is simply not realistic to expect it to be all one-sided: you are responsible for doing your part, and doing your own ''work'' and soul-searching. Good luck. Anonymous

You've had a longterm, seemingly unsolveable problem of not enough sex in your marriage, and finally you're having more sex, since you found out about your husband's fetish. You attribute this to his ''making a good effort''. There might be more to it though. Now that he's shared his fetish with you, he might be more able to relate to you with his whole sexual self, no longer keeping his sexuality hidden away along with his shameful secret.

You might be the first person he has ever revealed this to. Try to be gentle with him about his fetish. From everything I've experienced or read, it is not really possible for a person to change what turns them on. But anyone can try new approaches to sex without giving up the old way. He hasn't done anything really bad, like cheating or gambling away all your money. He hid his fetish partly out of fear of being judged. Now that he's told you, it will be a challenge for you not to condemn him and his fetish. But if you resist that urge and give yourself time to digest the situation, it could make your marriage and sex lives a lot better.

This is an opportunity for both of you to open up sexually, to yourselves and each other. Everyone has things that turn them on. Many (or perhaps most?)people have something a little silly or embarrassing that turns them on. It's theoretically possible for you to accept your husband's fetish and even indulge it or participate in it in some way (only he could tell you how to do that). At the same time, you can make it clear you want him to indulge your sexual proclivities too. Maybe you don't have any unusual or secret desire, but you might like something (just making this up) like more hugging, or him telling you you're beautiful, or him changing his hairstyle or wearing a tailored button-down red shirt or... anything.

Since you are so upset, and since he kept this a secret for so long, it might help if you talked to a sex therapist, or did some reading about things like this. Good places to start are Good Vibrations for books, or San Francisco Sex Information for free telephone couseling. Both have websites. I don't know how to find a good sex therapist, but no doubt other people will respond with that info. Good luck!

Sorry to be so abrupt, but thinking you can ''fix'' or ''change'' him is in my opinion rather selfish and wrongheaded. My grandfather committed suicide because he struggled with this and of course had no support because it was the 1950s and he lived in New Jersey. He hung himself in the basement and my grandmother found him there. My mother was absolutely devistated by this loss. The suicide has forever altered our family, even though I never got to meet my grandfather.

I am only sharing this because I think people with ''different'' sexual preferences can really struggle with this and somehow when you are ready he needs your support. Both of you need counseling and hopefully a support group. Ask a trained therapist to see if there is a support group available.

You can get through this together and save your marriage and family. M

Fetishes are normal. Many straight men like to dress up as women. You are only making your husband feel worse about it by treating it like it is something horrible. He's not going to stop wanting to dress up like a woman because you don't want him to. If he stops doing it because you asked him to, he's going to feel resentful of you. If he continues but hides it from you, he's going to feel guilty and ashamed. The only emotionally healthy thing for him is to be with someone who accepts him for who he is. So you need to decide if you can get used to the fact that he enjoys dressing up like a woman or if you need to leave the relationship.

You correlate his dressing up like a woman and masturbating with the two of you not having sex together, but I don't think those are necessarily related. I think that open communication and honesty leads to feelings of intimacy between partners. If you don't have the feelings of intimacy, you don't want to have sex as much. He was hiding his fetish from you, so he was blocking the lines of communication. But I think you need to forgive him for not telling you sooner, especially considering your initial reaction when you found out. Focus on understanding. Have some heart-to-heart conversations about it. Read about it. Go to therapy (both of you). Don't make a hasty decision.

This whole thing may seem overwhelming now, but I think it's an opportunity to make your relationship richer. The man you married is still in front of you. You made a lifetime commiment to him. Try your hardest to embrace him for who he is. Good Luck!

I was thinking about this, and I realized that we never really know what we are in for when we enter relationships. People do change, and we do learn new things about each other. The beauty of this is that much of this involves growth for both parties. A friend of mine and I have a saying: ''I HATE learning experiences!'' And it's true--they are always painful and awkward.

But we move through them. If you can let just a little bit of light into your current ''learning experience,'' you may be surprised at how good about yourself you will feel when you allow yourself to heal from it all.

I got involved with a man who was ravenous for me before we settled down, but now has practically no interest in sex with me at all. It certainly wasn't what I bargained for when I moved in with him! But I am trying to learn about myself in this situation, to understand all the different ways of responding. I know, ''crossdressing'' sounds much more scary than ''no sexual interest,'' but we are in similar situations: You and I both have partners whose sexuality is not the same as it was when we settled down (or at least what we ''thought'' it was). You are grappling with a lot right now--when you feel really angry at him, try to realize that he didn't choose to have this fetish--he was just made that way. It might help you feel more patient. Take good care of yourself. anonymous

Feeling very alone about my transgendered husband

I am looking for help and support as a wife of a trangendered husband. Early in our relationship he revealed that he liked wearing women’s shoes, etc. (especially in private) and I was totally fine with that. As we have evolved as individuals and as a couple, he has gradually become more androgynous and goes out sometimes as a man and sometimes as a woman, though at this point he does not plan to transition fully. We also have a new baby and this is playing into the dynamic as well. I love him very much but am feeling very alone about the issue and would love to find support or suggestions from others who have been through something similar. Anon.