Berkeley Parents Network: Becoming a Single Parent

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Becoming a Single Parent

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Pregnant Single Friend
See also: single_change.html>Making the Change to Single Parenting
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Pregnant Single Friend

Jan 2003

I need some advice for a friend. She is single and she just found out she is pregnant. She just moved to the area and recently got a good job. She has been wanting a baby for the past year or so, but not without a partner. I don't feel like I can give fair advice because I was single with my first pregnancy, but I had my sisters supporting me and I met and started dating my current husband while I was pregnant. She does not have a very supportive network here and she is terrified of being alone through her pregnancy and then beyond. She is already thinking of this pregnancy as a baby and though she is pro-choice, she does not think she can go through with an abortion. Do you have any advice? Either how to help her make her choice, or some resources for single pregnant women? seeking advice

I was in a similar situation as your friend with my now 3-year- old daughter. I lived far away (in Hawaii) from any friends or family (in California), and although I was with my daughter's father, having him around was worse than if he weren't around at all. Right before my birth, my friend flew in from California to give me much-needed moral and physical support, and actually helped me in the birthing room. Seeing as you're concerned enough about your friend to ask for advice, would it be possible for you to provide her with the support she feels she needs? Just one caring friend is enough, in my own experience. And while raising the baby by herself will be the toughest thing in the world, if she can handle that, she can handle most anything in life. FYI, I am raising my daughter by myself with basically no help from her father, going to school full-time and working part-time; she and I have the most incredible bond, and I don't regret having her for one second. A Single Mom

When I discovered I was pregnant and on my own, I found the following resources to be most helpful: doctors (my primary care physician, OB-GYN, and a family psychologist I quickly got a referral to), my family and close friends, and library books on single motherhood. Less helpful to me, but another possibility, are meetings of the "Single Mothers By Choice" support group (look up on the Internet or call Oakland Public Library). If she decides to go ahead with the pregnancy, I highly recommend she join a mother's group as soon as the child is born. The reference desk of a public library could also help her find contacts. Anonymous

Check out Single Mothers by Choice. There is an active Bay Area chapter, and a great list serv. The national website is http://mattes.home.pipeline.com/ I also just saw a group called Single Mothers - by Chance or by Choice - might be of interest but I can't vouch for them - http://www.singlemothers.org/ Anon

Feel free to help her in ways she needs help with the pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum and otherwise; but the decision on if she is going to keep the baby or not is entirely up to her, not you. If she is thinking of the pregnancy as a baby (rightly so) abortion is probably the last think she is thinking about anyway, pro-choice or not. ellia

I want to say, first, that I am pro choice so you'll know there's no agenda to my message. I think it might be helpful for your friend to schedule time with one of the open adoption agencies around. She will then be able to decide if this is a route she might consider. If she does, she'll get some of the support throughout her pregnancy that your family provided for you. If she doesn't decide to go this route, she'll at least have peace of mind that comes from knowing she checked it out. Anon

http://www.library.wisc.edu/libraries/WomensStudies/fc/fcwebwal.htm Here are some internet sources. For helping make the decision: Kaiser has therapists for this, teh one I saw didn't turn out to be helpful. Planned Parenthood does this type of counselling and they certainly didn't steer me one way or the other, they were very sympathetic or empathetic or whatever they were supposed to be but I don't think they actually understood what was going on for me. It turned out for me that I had already made my choice and the pain and agony was assoicated with what losing what I had chosen against. If your freind would like to talk to me, post again and leave a number or post anonymously and I will post my number. anonymous female Berkeley resident

Has your friend considered open adoption? We have two kids through adoption and we are in touch with and visit both sets of birth families. There is a strong adoption community here that is supportive of openness as being best for everyone, and especially for the child. So far, we have found that to be true. There are many good agencies who help pregnant women consider this option in a supportive way. I recommend Adopt in Redwood City. anon

As a single mom, doing it with-out the dad, but with family and friend support, I'd say having my baby is the best thing i've ever done. I read some of the advise, suggesting that you tell your freind about open adoption options. I am pro-choice, but once I felt my baby's presence, I knew I would have her. I did not feel supported by folks who chose to tell me of my ''options.'' I'm an adult and I knew my options. It sounds like if your freind is choosing to go through the pregnancy, it is to have a baby. I would let her explore her options without suggestions and support her decision. By the way, being a single mom I have met some of the most wonderful men. My daughter is almost two, and I am in my best relationship ever. a single mom

If your friend is looking at the question of single motherhood, there are a few local chapters in the Bay Area of Single Mothers by Choice (a national group). Monthly meetings bring together single women with kids, those still pregnant, and those who are still in the ''considering'' stages or actively trying. They (we) are very supportive people - your friend could call me about details on how to get to a meeting. A list-serve is active and has useful postings too. Kate

I've been single since my second trimester, and while I wouldn't wish being left while pregnant on anyone, there are some great things about being a single mom that no one talks about. The main thing your friend needs to do is to connect with other pregnant women. They do NOT have to be single. Tell her to take a pre-natal yoga class, even if she thinks it's stupid, and join a birth class. The people she meets there are potential sources of help and support. The women from my birth class still do childcare for each other, more than two years later, and they were willing to take care of my kid with no reciprocation on my part, since it would have been harder for me to take care of two kids at a time than it would be for the two of them. After the baby is born, join a mom's group. Join two. Yes, the first year was hard. But it gets so much easier after that and while I wouldn't mind more help, I am in no hurry to share parenting with anyone else. Happy single mom

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