Jealous of SAHMs

I have a problem. I resent my husband that he doesn't make enough for me to be a SAHM. I am envious of the SAHMs of school-aged kids at our school, who seem to have the entire day to do errands, exercise, hang out with friends, and relax. They talk a lot about their exercise programs, shopping, planning vacations, remodeling projects, visiting museums during the week etc. and I get so jealous wishing I could essentially be retired like that! I run my own business and work 40-50 hours a week. In our family, we both need to work to pay the mortgage, save for retirement and college, and provide for our kids. My husband makes a decent corporate salary, but not nearly enough for me to give up work. I know it's wrong to be envious, but this is eating me up. Is life as a SAHM as good as it seems? Is it worth moving somewhere cheaper to have this life? worker mom

I know advice in the moment is better, but I'm going to suggest a book. Necessary Dreams by Anna Fels (subtitle: role of ambition in women's lives). It talks about various long term mental & happiness advantages of working and earning money. I found it compelling.

If part of the jealousy comes from being busy *all* *the* *time*, maybe think about hiring a mothers helper type who can do some of the little things, once a week could help a lot. (laundry, pot of stew, dishes, etc...)

I work and it is working for me, but only you will know what will make you happy. happy worker bee, but couldnt do it without my nanny who does extra

This is the HARDEST job I've ever had- physically and emotionally. I've gotten really strong, but am also exhausted all the time.

Honestly, working in an office sounds ''easier'' at this age. However, if you want to hang out with your kids more, maybe there is a way to dial back on work hours?

We live pretty thrifty in some respects (1 economy car, eat at home, use library, no cable) so that we can get by and focus my husbands income on our crazy mortgage payment and keeping the power on.

Love hanging with my son though! Good luck finding a new balance. toddlermom

Second of all, I'm really getting tired of all of these posts lambasting SAHMs for all this free time we have (I just had to laugh out loud as I wrote that). Yes, I am lucky enough to be a SAHM of two young, school-aged children. Not that it's anybody's business, but when they are at school, I'm helping out in their classrooms or on various PTA projects. Or I'm grocery shopping for the family or cleaning the house or washing the clothes. Oh such a glamorous life I lead! And every once in a while, I do find myself with a couple hours of free time, but you know what? I deserve it!!! We all deserve some time off for goodness sakes! Raising children is the hardest, dirtiest, most thankless, most humiliating, most humbling and most demeaning job I have ever had the pleasure of performing. People who go to a full-time, paid job get to take personal time off, get to have a lunch break, get vacation time. Why is it such a crime for a SAHM to get some much-needed time to herself? Jees!

1) It sounds like you (and probably your husband) don't have enough time for yourselves to do all those things you imagine SAHM's do (exercise, museum, socializing, etc.) I suggest that you sit down with your husband and brainstorm ways that you can both make more time for yourselves (and each other, since the resentment you feel toward your husband might be a symptom of an under-nourished relationship). Figure out what the big time sinks are for your family (outside of work), and find ways to carve time for fun. Can you hire someone to clean the house? Can the kids be given more chores? Are the kids' activities taking over your family? Can you eat out (or do take-out) once a week? Try to think outside the box.

2) In a family where both parents work full-time, there is not a lot of energy and time to spare, and it would be understandable to long for more leisure. Can you (or your husband) cut down on the hours worked? You mentioned that you have your own business. Can you work less? That may require making some sacrifices on the spending end. Perhaps moving to a cheaper locale IS a solution.

3) Can you change your work to give you more satisfaction?

4) I am not a full-time SAHM (I work 3 days/week, and I'm home with my 3 y.o. the other two days), but I can imagine it's not all fun. If the kids are in school, then the SAHM is taking care of ALL the household issues: grocery shopping, laundry, housecleaning, errands, bills, etc. Is this something you enjoy doing? Would you want to do it full-time? How would your relationship with your husband change if you were no longer helping to support the family, but rather were spending your day at yoga class and the museum while he worked? How would your self-image change if your sole occupation became ''housewife/mother''?

5) Your resentment toward your husband is unfair. You probably know that. Find a way to reconnect with your husband and strengthen that relationship so that the pressures of working and raising kids don't erode your marriage. grateful to work part-time

Don't get me wrong- I love being a sahm at the same time as it can drive me absolutely nuts. I love that I am there to witness every single milestone. I love that I can actively enrich my children's lives and build their minds by taking them outdoors and to children's museums and programs and toddler classes etc. I love that I spend 30 mins a day showing my son flashcards and listening to him learn new words every day. I love dressing my baby in adorable little outfits and kissing her chubby baby cheeks all day long. I love being a sahm, but at the same time it is so, so, so damn hard and I often envy working moms the chance they have to get a break from the kids and the housewife stuff.

So to answer your question, no, we sahms don't have this incredible easy go lucky fun life. We do have fun, we are lucky to be such a big part of our children's lives, but it is not easy, and its high demands are not enviable. anon

This is your life, it will not be repeated. My accountant told me he knows a lot of dead guys with large 401(k) accounts. divorced dad from a SAHM

When I worked, I enjoyed having an entire segment of my life that was all mine. I had work friends, I had a somewhat prominent position in my company and in its industry, and so on. When I first stayed at home, I felt like the family doormat. It wasn't the wonderful existence I envisioned. It has taken years to find some balance and carve out some time for myself.

All I can say is that maybe you're upset because you don't have a choice. That is probably very hard. I am very grateful to have the option. I always find that when I'm upset over something I don't have, I try focus on what I *do* have. That helps me a lot. I can tell you that when the economy tanked, I started to freak out about not having a job and not having worked in a few years. You have job, you can provide for your family. Those are really good things.

A SAHM with a seemingly perfect life--maybe her life is truly perfect, lucky for her. But you don't really know anything about this person other than what you see on the surface. Maybe her marriage sucks, maybe her spouse is having an affair, maybe she's depressed and secretly addicted to prescription meds, maybe her kid has an eating disorder or is cutting herself. You just don't know, so why envy them?

The one huge benefit to being a SAHM is the amount of time I get to spend with my kids, and I feel that I have a great relationship with them because of it. That would be the main reason I would consider moving somewhere more affordable to be a SAHM, if it were my case, not necessarily to have a more leisurely life for myself. The Weasleys are our role model family

There are always going to be people with more money and more free time than you have. Some of them are probably not even nice or very smart. They're just lucky! And there are also MILLIONS of people nicer and smarter than you are who have totally miserable lives through no fault of their own. Again, just luck of the draw.

If you can't stand being around the women who are getting pedicures and going to yoga class, then start volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Try to appreciate what you have. There will ALWAYS be someone with a better life than yours. Don't make yourself unhappy unnecessarily.

What I would like to put out there to the BPN community is that we need to get out of this thinking of Stay-at-home moms vs. Work-outside-the-home moms and instead look at the bigger picture --the policies that create less than ideal situations for families on either side.

We parents NEED to start advocating for better policies that support families, such as flexible workplaces and affordable high-quality childcare and an environment that fosters work-life balance. MomsRising.org is a great place to start but with so many great minds within this community, there are probably a gazillion additional ways to get the change our families deserve. Patrice

None of us who have kids without a full-time staff of domestic employees are living lives of retired leisure. (I work part-time am at home part-time.)

Any mother, regardless of employment status is entitled to and responsible for finding balance in her own reality.

I know plenty of working moms that get in exercise, pedicures and girls nights out. I know sahm's who can drop their kids at childcare at the gym and hire sitters to get their hair done. And every single one of them is entitled to those precious moments of free time because we all know the work of a mother - whatever the configuration of her professional life - is relentless and exhausting. If you're not making that time for yourself that is on you, not any other mother.

Seeing a flash of someone going to a yoga class (which I promise you is crammed in between a life resembling a scullery maid more than a lady who lunches) should not engender jealousy, but should rather inspire you to ask: how can I find that time for myself? And yes, it will take trade-offs. Just like the rest of us make.

But it's not about us, ok? It's about you and what you can do to ease your own burden as a parent in order to be a better person for yourself, your family and your community. Namaste

I will agree that caring for babies & toddlers full time is hard manual labor, the hardest job I have ever had. It can be very isolating, if you don't make an effort to connect with other parents. Staying at home can also result in a big drop in income, although in my case, childcare for 2 kids under 3, plus commuting costs, was the same as my take-home pay, which is why I became a stay at home mom in the first place.

Don't let people tell you that it is harder to be a SAHM. It is much, much easier time-wise and stress-wise to be a SAHM. Please let's all remember that most (not all, but most) working moms are carrying the same load that SAHM's do: preparing dinner, doing laundry, helping with homework, grocery shopping, getting kids to the doctor, paying bills, running the household, etc. etc. and also trying to fit in me-time at the gym or whereever. But working moms are also out of the house 40+ hours a week. So all these tasks typically have to be crammed into the hours of 6pm to 11pm and on the weekend.

Yes, it's tough taking care of little ones all day, but you are in your own home with your own stuff, managing your own schedule, choosing what to do or not to do and when to do it, without needing to check in with anyone. Once the kids are in school - wow! You have a nice chunk of hours to arrange however you like. If you want to iron for three hours and watch a movie, you can. If you want to meet friends for lunch, you can. This is a very different life from the mom who is getting up in the morning, getting kids ready for school just like you, getting them to school just like you, and then getting on BART to go to the office for the next 8 hours. It's even worse if it's a job that you don't much like, and/or doesn't pay well. Then you come home, pick up a cranky kid, rush home to throw something together for dinner, do a load of laundry while monitoring homework, fall into bed exhausted, and repeat.

I personally prefer to be a mom with a job. I appreciate the stay at home moms who keep the PTA running and raise money for afterschool programs and make cakes for the school fair and all that. I am glad they are able to do that. It's not for me, but I appreciate them. But I really do not want to hear about how hard it is to be a SAHM, especially from people with school-aged kids only.

Accepting the SAHM phase

I'm 39 with a preschooler and now pregnant. For our family, my staying at home is the best solution. My husband works long hours and we've relocated to the ebay where we're building community, which at times feels lonely. Pre-kids, I was a workaholic but loved the intellectual challenge and some of the perks (travel) that came with my stressful job. While there are aspects that I certainly don't miss, I do miss having something for myself, intellectual interests/knowledge outside of being a homemaker and mom. I find that a lot of the SAHM Lamorinda moms I meet don't seem to miss their pre-kid work lives which makes me feel a bit abnormal around here. I'd love to make some friends who seem more like-minded, and while I've made some great new friends, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one longing for aspects of my pre-kid life. Maybe I need to outreach more! Volunteering and community service have always been important to us, but my bandwidth, frankly, is limited. And, I think I'm finally coming to terms with knowing my limits (and unfortunately, I don't have a lot of extra energy to give these days) and being present and enjoying the ''gift'' of being home with my daughter (and future kid) and knowing that in the not-so-distant future, I will have more to give to a possible job, volunteer work, etc. I want to continue to nurture my non-Mom ''purpose'' and goals and not losing complete sight of them, though, I feel what I can give to that right now is basically nothing which can be frustrating. I suppose what I'm looking for is similar stories, advice on how to get through day-to-day, when I know intellectually that there will be more bandwidth soon - good books, movies, classes, coach recommendations around this subject would be great too. Accepting this chapter of my life

You can still read about things that interest you, join a book club, take your kids on interesting outings to museums or what-not. Give the community thing time. I live in Moraga and I thought I'd feel marooned out here, but over the past few years I have met many cool working and SAHM moms. It does just take time.

Classes are probably a good idea, but like you said, your bandwith is limited. Maybe even just a yoga or other exercise class once or twice a week could get you networked into something.

Good luck, there were times when I often felt a bit isolated too, simply because I was too exhausted to reach out but networking takes time, often a few years in a new neighborhood or after a transition (kids, work situation change). Over the years, many (teachers and sitters) have complimented my children's behaviors and attributed their strengths to my being a constant force for them at home. It's going to work out for the best

Stay-at-home Mom Loneliness

There couldn't have been a more planned baby than mine. We took care of everything-got married, started a business, bought a house in Albany, talked about child-rearing philosophies, joined some Moms groups, etc. Our daughter is 17 months old, and I'm so lonely!!!! My husband works 6 days a week, and would work seven if I didn't insist on a family day every week. He thinks I'm being too demanding to insist that we come first, before the business. I was part of 2 Moms groups that fell apart due to other moms' work/school. I tried to start another group, but most of the Moms can take it or leave it. I tried to post here about being lonely, and I got some responses, but most of them are too busy to commit to something regular. It's embarrassing to admit, but I need to have a group I can meet with every week!!! I need to know that I will see people at least once a week or I will go crazy! I need to know that the other parents I meet with also think that it's important enough to show up consistantly. Am I expecting too much? Am I scaring people away? I have some good friends with kids, but everyone seems to have full lives and/or family close by, while I feel like it's all I can do to hold it together for my daughter. She seems happy, but I want her to have childhood memories of a Mom who was happy, too. What am I doing wrong?

I myself conduct workshops for new mothers of twins in Lafayette and Berkeley (www.doubletalkfortwins.com) and I find that the one thing all of these moms want is what you want; a regular connection with other mothers experiencing the same things they are. By coming to the group the reduce their feelings of isolation, and have an opportunity to make new friends.

Good luck! You're not alone. karen

When my oldest child was 16 months old we joined a program in Oakland called Toddler Family (I'm now back with my second child). It is like a ''mini-preschool'' in that the children have the opportunity to do art projects, play dress-ups, build with blocks, participate in circle time, eat snack together while the teacher reads books, and play outside. Children attend with a parent or caregiver.

While my children loved Toddler Family, I did too. There are parent education meetings monthly with a wonerful woman who has taught for over 50 years. Also, because the program runs the school year you have the opportunity to really bond with the other parents.

I'd really encourage you to check out their website: toddlerfamily.com Best of luck!

Please come to Pt. Richmond. PRAM (www.pram.net) has a clubhouse on the grounds of the Washington Elementary School. Address is 110 E. Richmond Ave. Beginning next week on 20th September the bookmobile will be at the fieldhouse 10:30 every Monday for storytime. Following the bookmobile visit, the fieldhouse will be open for free play until noon. Starting September 28th there will be a free playtime 9-11am on Tuesdays. The fieldhouse will continue to be open for free play time Thursday 1-3 pm and Friday 1-4pm. PRAM also has about seven playgroups with different ages that meet weekly. I do believe there is one for your age group. Also, I walk every Tuesday but i'm out in Pinole and go to places from Hercules to Berkeley. If you're interested, I can keep you in the loop about where we meet. tief

Stay-at-home mom needs a break

I'm a stay at home mom with a 10 month old. I love being home with him, but lately I've been frustrated with constantly having to be ''on'' with the baby. And when he's sleeping I'm cleaning or doing laundry or other housework. I'm starting to think about working part time, but then I'm stuck with the dilemma of not getting paid much more than it would cost for childcare. So I'm thinking of watching another baby part time. I would love to hear feedback from moms who have tried this &/or found a good part time gig that would pay more than $10/hr? Thanks Need a break!!

You do need to carve out more parts of the day that are yours and are not for the baby and not for the family. If you are like me, then you don't even get to go to the bathroom without an audience. Also, if you are suffering from any guilt over 'not earning any money' then you need to get over it (said in the nicest possible way). You are doing a real job. You are making a contribution to your family's bottom line (at the very least reducing the stress -- talk to some of your friends about how dual outside the home working partners juggle who is picking up the kids from day care and who is getting the dry cleaning and why they have to keep their kids up an hour later at night just so they can spend time with them and whose meeting is more important and who has to cancel to pick up the sick child from school. Good on them for making it work.)

Here are some things that I have found helpful to make it work at home:

I look at my house in two ways clean/dirty and neat/messy. I clean it thoroughly (vaccum, dust, scrub, start a load of laundry, etc) about once a week. Certain parts of the house get cleaned a bit more often (obviously, the kitchen). I do this when my daughter is awake. She will play in whatever room I am working on. If she is in a 'hold me mood' then I put her up on my hip and continue my work (I actually get housework done faster when I am holding her). I deal with the 'neat/messy' aspect of my house during the first 15 minutes of her first nap (if I get a second nap out of her -- which is rarer these days -- then that one is all mine) and the first half hour after she goes to bed. I put away toys, clothes or whatever else needs to be stowed to get the house back in shape. It usually doesn't take me that long. I have big plastic trugs (big gardening buckets) in a couple of rooms in the house that I toss her toys into (shelves are a pain as you need to keep them neat), sort the mail or whatever. The rest of the time is for me. I nap when she naps or read or work in the garden (by choice...I am learning about plants) or gossip with my friends. I don't make gourmet meals more than once a week (okay...maybe every other week). We usally just bbq, steam some veggies and whip some potatoes. In the evening after cleaning the kitchen and doing some last pickup, I grab a beer and hit the sofa to read or computer to surf. When my hubby is home (he is on the road half of the month doing his airline pilot gig) we may sit in the back garden in the evening and mull over the world's problems. On Wednesdays, I watch Law & Order.

The house cleaning issue has taken a while to come to terms with. My husband is a 'neat freak (but not a clean freak).' He has realized, thanks to the half of the month that he is home (when he is home, he is home all day and night...none of this sneaking off to a job so that he is clueless about what I do all day), that he isn't going to get a nap unless he does it when the baby is down. He isn't going to get to surf the internet unless he does it when the baby is down. Etc...etc...I would like the house to be neater/cleaner and dinner to be fancier, but not at the sacrifice of my sanity. But, even pre-child, I wanted that and was never able to achieve perfection.

Additionally, I go to the gym a few days a week. My local YMCA has a nursery included as part of the low membership fee. It isn't the most stimulating environment, but it is safe. And, even though she is in the middle of the 'Mommy don't leave me' phase, she seems to be reasonably happy there for the three or four hours a week that she spends there. As a trade-off, I have wonderful abs and biceps now, not to mention the fact that I have kocked 7 minutes off my previous best in the 10k.

Also, I have two subscriptions to the local symphony. They play a morning concert every five weeks. I bring a guest (sometimes my mother-in-law or sometimes a friend). My Mother- in-law will usually babysit, but if not then I hire a babysitter. I deserve a little special time to myself where I get to wear something that doesn't need to be snot-proof.

Also, I have joined the Mothers of Pre-Schoolers group (MOPS) at my church. Many member of the MOPS group don't attend my church as the programs aren't usually religious in nature. Twice a month, MOPS puts on presentations -- usually on parenting subjects. Our children are in the nursery being tended to by wonderful volunteers (usually grandmothers who don't have their own around to dote on) supervised by professional childcare personnel while the 50 to 60 of us ******ize, attend workshops on parenting or general interest issues (today's topic was on 'developing a young reader' while later in the month we will hear from several refugees about transitioning to the US/our area). This is free.

In the fall, I will put my daughter into the pre-school two mornings a week of the school that she will attend for her elementary years. That will cost about $125/month. Those 8 hours that I get will be again, mine to use as I want.

Even with all of this, there are those phases (September -- when she was five months old and mid-January to mid-February when she 9 1/2 to 10 1/2 months old that were just very trying and I don't know why. Perhaps the former because she was done with the play mat, but couldn't sit up and the latter...well, she finally stopped putting everything in her mouth so I can, with caution, let her loose in the backyard while I sit at the umbrella table and finish correspondence, pay bills, etc...). Just know that things will get better around the corner. My three days shy of a year child now entertains herself for a good 45 minutes at a stretch by opening and shutting the door of her wagon/climbing in and out of it. She works on her motor skills whil I read magazines or chick-lit novels. That gives me some time not to refresh before we are back to building towers of blocks for her to knock down or having tickle fights. been there