Berkeley Parents Network: Children's Questions about Race

Berkeley Parents Network

Children's Questions about Race

Berkeley Parents Network > Advice > All Kinds of Families > Children's Questions about Race

4-year-old's comments about skin color

March 2004

For the past 9 months, my son, who just turned 4, has been commenting on the skin color of persons of African descent. When he sees an African or African-American person, he often says to me (in full earshot) of the person, ''Mommy, that person has black skin.'' His nanny, whom he adores, is African and he often says to me, ''Mommy, [the nanny] has black skin, but you and I have white skin.'' (I should mention that I am Asian and he is bi-racial -- Asian and Caucasian.) Interestingly, my son has never commented on, and seems completely oblivious to Asian or Hispanic racial characteristics. I'm not sure how to respond to his comments. On various occasions I've told my son (1) skin color is unimportant, (2) certain people have dark skin because they or their ancestors came from Africa where people have dark skin, and/or (3) we don't talk about skin color because it makes people uncomfortable. Nothing, however, seems to dissuade my son from making these comments. Sometimes he seems to think the whole topic is a joke saying, ''Mommy, so and so has a black face.'' Maybe I'm reading something into it, but it seems to me that my son is making some type of value judgment that darker colored skin is not as desirable as lighter skin. I have no idea where my son got his notions. I can honestly say that we have never discussed skin color or race at home. Also, we have African-American friends whom my son knows and likes in addition to his African nanny. My son's teachers told me that children his age are curious about racial differences and not to make a big deal of it, but I'm very embarrassed by my son's behavior around this issue. I grew up in a very bigoted small town and was very uncomfortable whenever someone called attention to racial issues, and now I can't believe my son is doing it. What should I do -- (a) ignore it, (b) keep trying to tell him that skin color doesn't matter, but shouldn't be discussed in public? Any suggestions would be appreciated. Embarrassed Mom

PLEASE READ--''Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting In the Cafeteria Together and other conversations about Race'' By Beverly Daniel Tatum. It is very important that you talk to your son about his questions and not try and quiet him. You will see in reading this book that his questions are normal but need to be dealt with by just explaining to him why people have different colors. His questions do not have the charge behind them that adults may have...he is genuinely interested....especially since your child is biracial I would highly recommend getting a little info. (as my children are mixed--black /white) and I have had to read about this stuff as well on an ongoing basis because this stuff will continue to come up! I also read a fabulous book that deals with this stuff for preschool ages...it is called something like ''I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla'' also written by a black child psychologist but her name escapes me. Good luck. These Things are Important

Another way to respond would be to agree and say, ''yes, that person has dark skin.'' It sounds as if your son is only making observations about what he sees and that perhaps he's making a game out of it because he is picking up on your discomfort with the situation. It's okay to talk about skin color, it's not ok to insult/demean/belittle someone because of it. another suggestion

I am a white woman who has a black husband & a bi-racial 10 month old son. From the discussions I've had with my husband & books I've read on rearing bi-racial kids, I would say that the best thing to do in your case is to be honest about it. Everyone is different in some way or another, even if the skin color is the same. Black skin is just as beautiful as white or brown, but unfortunately in America, the legacy of slavery and how blacks have been (and continue to be) treated makes many non- blacks feel ashamed to even discuss this subject. I personally don't think that talking about skin color should necessarily be done only in private, but that honest, open communication and dialog are the best ways to handle it. Maybe you should ask your son what he thinks about black skin. It's an obvious difference and nothing to be ashamed of, either by him or by your black friends/nanny/strangers. anon

It sounds more as if your son is just noticing race, rather than commenting negatively on it. This is quite normal for toddlers -- they notice skin color, disabilities (e.g. someone in a wheelchair) and so on, and comment on it to their parents, often asking why these differences exist. They notice differences, and they're curious about them, that's how they learn about the world. Sometimes this can be a bit uncomfortable for us, but the kids generally don't have value judgments attached (although we often read this into the comments, because of all the things we've learned about the issues involved). If you can come up with a calm, matter-of-fact response (like your mentioning that so-and-so's ancestors came from Africa, or maybe even just saying something about different people having lots of different skin colors, that's the way the world is), and not make a big deal of it, your son will eventually let it go. I wouldn't tell him that it shouldn't be discussed in public, as that might make him feel that there IS something wrong with having skin of a particular color. I also wouldn't tell him that it is unimportant, because it clearly is, to him, or he wouldn't mention it. Karen

sounds to me like your son is just making observations and maybe looking to you for confirmation/explanation. the racial issues maybe yours and yours alone. trying to shut him up will probably only have the opposite effect, same with showing your discomfort. telling him that people are similar to their parents seems like a good way to go and pointing out the differences and similarities in your own family might also interest him (include skin, hair, eye color any thing that stands out). does he have any african-american or african friends his own age? kids can talk about this on their own level and don't generally take offense at young ages - its good education for kids to have different friends even if race doesn't come up in conversation. ilona

He is interested in skin color - he is starting to notice the differences between people. He is making an observation about the world as he sees it - a correct observation, btw.

What I would do is either use this as a learning experience - yes, people are different, look at how daddy and I are different too and how you are mix of us, but only take it up to the point where he is interested. Or you can just acknowledge what he is saying and let it go.

What's really, really important is that you don't confuse observations with value judgements - and that by your attitude you don't let your son confuse them either. anon

My caucasian 4 yr. old son has said similar comments - he started pointing out pictures, saying ''those people have brown skin - I have clean skin''. We've had a lot of talks, clarifying what ''clean'' actually means, etc. But in the end, I have to agree with him - that yes, some people have brown skin, some have really dark skin, and some people like himself have skin that's not as easily named - pink? yellow? really light brown? red when he gets a sunburn?

Talking about race and skin color makes us grown-ups feel uncomfortable, but to embrace and realize the differences and talk about them is all part of accepting and learning and understanding. It's not necessarily wrong to make the observation, just impolite to talk about it out loud.

My son has also told other friends and relatives that they're fat or short, and fortunately, after the initial hesitation, they laugh and say, yes, you're right.

But then it is up to the parents to explain what's socially acceptable - that's the hard part! But it goes along with teaching all the other socially unacceptable behaviors, so eventually they do get it. Another Embarrassed Mom

I noticed a couple of things in your post that might help you understand what's going on.

Your son is NOT commenting on race, but on skin color. As yet he has no concept of race. For that reason telling him that skin color is unimportant is only confusing him. Skin color IS important to a 4 year-old -- its just not any more important than other identifying characteristics.

Likewise, the statement ''we don't talk about skin color because it makes people uncomfortable'' is confusing because he's not uncomfortable, YOU are. He's 4.

You might have more success just asking him not to comment loudly about the people he meets -- rather than singling out the race or color statements. For him, color is just an adjective, not a political statement.

I am more interested that he says people have ''black'' skin, when so few actually do. It seems like that perception comes from a grownup somewhere. You might want to know what others are saying to your child.

For instance: After 3 weeks in a Berkeley first grade, my daughter came home completely frustrated, saying, '' I don't get it! They keep talking about black kids and white kids at school, but all the kids I've seen are brown and pink!''

I really don't think this is a problem unless your child decides color is an indicator, instead of just a descriptor. Heather

Isn't this kind of thing challenging as a parent?? I would urge you to join your child in talking about race rather than avoid it and teaching him it is a taboo topic.

What about, ''yes. That person has black or dark skin. Isnt it great how people can look different on the outsides? Doesnt it make life more interesting?.... Does your skin really look white to you? ... let's look in this magazine and see all the differences we notice among people... this one has light skin, this one has red hair... this one is quite short... shall we make a collage showing all kinds of different skin colors?...'' I also recommend the book: 40 Ways to Raise a Non-racist Child by Mathias and French. Peggy

One of the best things about living in the Bay Area is the fact that we are surrounded by diversity and multi-culturalism. Your sons interest in this diversity is both understandable and desirable. Given your background, your discomfort with his curiosity makes sense, but perhaps you could find ways the channel that curiosity in ways that will help him learn tolerance and learn how to embrace the diversity that surrounds us. If the race issue is a source of shame and embarrassment and therefore ignored, one runs the risk of pretending racism does not exist either. We Americans ignore racism all the time, yet it's all around us. Anyone with first-hand experience with racism will tell you that race in fact does matter in America, yet we are ashamed of ourselves for it and try to ignore it. You worry that your son may be making value judgements based on race, however this is a wonderful opportunity for you to help him develop an understanding of differences, and to acheive a level of tolerance that was missing from the people in the town you grew up in.

With that said, it seems that your son is simply curious about different skin colors. Ignoring his curiosity seems to make him even more curious. Let him work it out. Get him some of those multi-cultural crayons, maybe you've seen them. They represent all the different skin colors. I think Crayola makes some. Also, Lakeshore Learning Center in San Leandro has not just crayons, but coloring books, clay, dolls, and a whole range of things for kids that help teach racial diversity and tolerance. This can be a good thing for your child. Let him have fun with it. Diversity is good

Hi, Your comments really struck home because we have had the same experience with our 2 kids blurting things out that sounded really inappropriate. Also, as a white teacher who taught in an all African-American school, I got it in reverse from the kids who commented on my skin, eyes, and hair.

My suggestion is to step back and realize that these are little kids and they are simply curious. They do not intend any harm, nor is harm usually taken by others. Humor and kindness replace embarrassment really easily. For instance, I'd say to my kids after one of those ''his/her face is so dark'' comments ''Yeah, isn't it amazing how we all have such different skin, eyes and hair. I think it's really beautiful.'' That came easily because it was truly how I felt and also how I hoped my kids would feel.

As they've gotten older, we've been able to talk about pigmentation and how we inherit our looks and how different races have developed physically, but it's always grounded in the simple admission that yes, we are different on the outside, but pretty much the same on the inside. In addition, we've reinforced that there is no value derived from the shade of skin or eyes or hair. This is tough in a world where children are taught that ''people with blue eyes are the children of the devil'' as I heard from one of my 3rd graders and white skin is more beautiful than dark skin as I've heard from both white and African-American children.

When my class commented on how pale I was deep in the winter and if maybe I was sick, I said ''no, I'm healthy but working toward invisibility except my freckles keep messing me up'', and got a good laugh.

Relax and be thankful that your little boy is observant and talking to you about what he sees and thinks. Leanne

My son is the same age as yours, and he's also taken to commenting on skin color, especially very dark-skinned folks. When he says ''That man has dark skin,'' I say, ''Yes, he does.'' This is often followed by ''Why does he?'' I say basically the same thing you do---people from different parts of the world have different skin tones.

I absolutely don't shush him or tell him it's not something to discuss in public. He's merely commenting, noticing people around him. He's not making any judgment, and from what you say, neither is your son. If your son is merely commenting, as mine is, I don't see that it's necessary to say that skin color doesn't matter---it'd be like saying it doesn't matter that that car's hubcaps rotate or that that's a really big loaf of bread (other things he's commented on).

For me what makes the most sense is to hear what he's (really) saying and acknowledge it. I think ignoring, shushing, or telling him that's not something to talk about in public would make it a bigger issue than it is, possibly confuse him, and also potentially make him feel ashamed and less likely to pose questions, certainly none of which you intend. DL

I'm not sure why it embarasses you that your son is noticing that people have different skin colors. Undoubtedly, the people he's pointing to know they have black skin.

My proper southern aunts (who thought they were very liberal) only whispered the word ''black.'' As in, ''My friend's neighbor, the one with the new car, she's (whisper) black.'' When I was a child, this made me wonder if it was a secret that the neighbor was black, or if it was something bad to be black. (This was before we had to say ''African-American.'' I'm sure if my aunts knew the new terminology, they would whisper it, too.)

I'd say if a person with black skin is offended that a 4-year old is pointing it out, then that is a person looking for something to be offended about. My African-American friends are not offended to be called ''black'' or have their skin described as ''dark'' or ''black.'' It's just the facts. reformed southern belle

There is a third option that is neither ignoring the remarks about race nor disagreeing with them. That is simply to say, ''Yes, honey, that's right.'' Very often a child who makes remarks like this is simply observing something, and wants those observations to be heard. Your upset reactions are puzzling to him, and he's trying to find out what's going on. If you respond calmly, as if he were saying ''The sky is blue,'' I bet you'll find this behavior disappearing naturally. Ann

Saying that ''race doesn't matter'' is kind of silly, I have always thought--since it obviously does matter. So I have always taught my children that yes, some people have black skin and some people have tan skin and so on. I use their observations as a jumping-off to have conversations about differences in race and to allow them to have their viewpoint. You can say something like, ''In the olden days some people thought people with black skin weren't as smart. Weren't they silly to think that? What do you think?'' ''Do you think people with yellow hair are as good as people with red hair? Yes, me too!'' You get the idea. This ''not talking about race in our house'' perhaps is not something that should be a source of pride, but maybe makes it clear that it is time to have those discussions with our kids who live in this rather colorful Bay Area! anonymous

c) none of the above. It seems to me that your son is simply pointing out what he sees. I don't hear a value judgment in noticing that skin colors differ. It's true, there are many different skin colors. When my daughter made remarks similar to your son's, I replied by saying, ''Yes, you're right!'' as I would have had she said, ''That man is in a wheelchair,'' or even ''That tree has no leaves.'' It's not skin color that makes people feel bad; it's being treated in a negative way because of the color of their skin. From what you describe, I don't think your 4-year- old is guilty of this. unembarrassed mom

Please talk about it! We live in a very race-conscious society and pretending that race does not exist does NOT make it go away, and in fact it only enables racism by cloaking it in denial (how can there be racism if race does not exist?). Also, especially for a bi-racial child (I have three of my own), it is crucial to openly and honestly discuss race. Noticing and comparing skin tone is a normal observation for children and it is important to validate their observations. Your child will one day have questions about his own identity and the earlier you are able to talk about it, the better off and more secure he will be. If you are worried that your son is attaching different value to different colors, then the task is to unpack why he thinks that and talk to him about your ideas on that topic (''people of all colors are beautiful and interesting...'' etc.). Also, IMHO, so-called ''colorblindness'' (refusing to admit that color exists or matters) diminishes people and takes away from the totality of who they are and/or the reality of their experiences. Color is not ALL that people are, but it is a PART of who they are, and to me, it is a very cool and important part. --Talking about race to my kids

My daughter does very similar things in a very non-judgemental way. She is the same age as your son. I am caucasian and my husband is half Japanese. I believe she also comments more frequently on people of darker color skin, i.e. african- american, Samoan, Pacific Islander. I don't feel embarrased. My husband can sometimes feel embarrased. I think it is a very normal thing for children to 'blurt'. If you feel that he should be more sensitive to other people(s) or your own feelings, you might try saying to him that there are some things that we don't 'yell' or 'blurt' out,...like we don't blurt out that we are having to poop or that the man over there is fat or that the lady over there has 'ugly' hair. (I'm really not trying to trivialize this issue because i do feel it is important). Maybe somehow you can integrate into a conversation with your son that sometimes people are sensitive about certain things and that you are sensitive about color and that other people are too. It's okay to talk about but not in a loud or hurtful way. liz

My 3 year old was doing this for a while. She told my husband(who's white) that he's brown because of the hair on his arms, she would tell me I'm white because I'm lighter skined than she is. She would tell the nanny who is Asian that she's brown, she tells her African American preschool buddy that she was brown. She even once did it to some friends of ours, a couple that is mixed race. I said something like, different people have different skin colors and ignored it other than that. I haven't noticed it for a while. I did notice it happening more when we were watching the ''Best of Elmo'' video where Elmo and Whoopi Goldberg discuss being brown and red. Fortunately we are surrounded by many different cultures and colors in the Bay Area and children get exposed to many different things. I really think they are just innocently noticing the differences between themselves and their surroundings. Been there

4 is an age when kids start to take note of differences between thenmselves and other people -- in a way, to figure out where they, themselves, fit in by classifying people on all kinds of dimensions. Skin color is a particularly easy one, because the contrasts can be very noticeable. If it's any consolation to you, research has shown that kids don't really start to understand the social implications of different ethnic groups (including their own) until about age 6. So it's probable that your child is not being racist -- just observant, in his own way.

However, it also sounds like he's picking up on your sensitivity about the issue and starting to respond by testing you a bit. It's completely understandable that you would want to make sure he does not develop racist attitudes, but to him, skin color really does matter! (Though not for the reasons you fear.) There is nothing wrong with telling him that it's impolite to talk about other people in their presence, but telling him not to talk about it all will simply give the subject a forbidden air, and make it much more attractive for him when he wants to push your buttons.

Try asking your son what he finds interesting about different skin colors, instead of assuming that you know what he's trying to communicate with his comments. That way you'll open up the topic for discussion and make it less of a taboo, and get a more accurate sense of just where he is at with the whole thing. Keep the conversation at his level, and resist the urge to probe for some sort of hidden agenda -- if you keep looking for it, he might tell you what he thinks you want to hear, in order to please you (4 year olds really do want to please!), and that will only increase your worry.

All in all, it sounds like your son's teachers are right. Take their advice if you can and don't be overly concerned ... or embarrassed. Lauren

I have no special training or experience on this subject, but I have worked with children and trained staff who work with children for many years. My advice is to prepare yourself to have a conversation with your son the next time he brings up the subject (turn it into a ''teachable moment''.) When he does, you can say to him, ''It seems like you are noticing and thinking about differences in skin color a lot lately. What do you think about that? Do you have any questions?'' Whatever his response is, it will probably lead you to more insight as to why he is is making these references.

Remember that your son is only 4 years old and, generally, people should and do understand that. It's good that he is sharing his ideas about differences now, so that you can help him form his opinions. Good luck. Paula C.

Your son is making observations that are true. You are the one with the fear of value judgements, because you know that there are people in the world who judge according to race. But I'm not sure that telling children that skin color ''doesn't matter'' is helpful--because, really, that's not true, either. It matters, it's a part of an individual's identity, and not necessarily in a negative way. What about saying, ''Yes, and you have white skin with pink places, and I have creamy skin with some brown spots (for instance).'' In other words, make it not about the person who your child is observing, but just about your kid noticing how things and people look around him. It's possible that your sensitivity about racism is priming you to make your kid think it's not OK to talk about skin color at all. What is really not OK is to make judgements about people because of their skin color. Those are two different things. Donna

My son did the same thing at the same age. He also added to my shock and embarrasment by stating in public that he ''didn't like people with dark skin as much.'' It was awful & scarey.

At the time I attributed his comments and new found awareness to a recent ''diversity sensitivey'' module at his very diverse and wonderful preschool. Perhaps it was also just normal for the age.

My approach was to do much what you are -- calmly explain that it's not polite to comment on people's appearance, especially in public; and to ask him how he'd feel if someone made a similar comment about him. I also pointed out that he did indeed have many friends with dark skin. Eventually he got the message that what he said was not nice and not true. Thankfully it was not a longtime issue. SJM

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