• Talking to kindergardner about race and racism
• Preschooler's remarks about skin color
• 4-year-old's comments about skin color
• Biracial 6-year-old with color issues
• Related page: Preschoolers' Embarrassing or Rude Public Remarks

Talking to kindergardner about race and racism

I am a black mother of a biracial 5 year old. We live in a predominantly white suburb. Yesterday, she had a name calling incident on the playground, nothing with racist or racial overtones, just a standard argument among kids. Now that she is in school, I know that first ''racial'' incident is coming soon. How do I prepare her and myself to handle it? Should I confront the child or the parent? Anxious

We need to be our children's advocates in so many ways--by setting the tone for how we see and address people; which schools and communities we choose; how we respond to incidents; consciously providing them positive images and exposure to people of all races; and so on. Small examples in my life include buying subscriptions to magazines like Oprah and Teen Voices; choosing for my daughter to commute to a diverse middle school with both children AND teachers/staff of color; attending cultural events celebrating my kid's bio-heritage, which is not my own; and constantly checking my own assumptions and experience and remembering that they will be different from those of a person of color.

I also recommend the resources from PACT, a national organization which happens to be based here in Oakland. They are an adoption agency and they provide education especially useful for transracially adoptive families, but of relevance to all mixed-race families and anyone raising children of color. They have a great book list with lots of parenting advice, newsletters, educational events, summer camps, support groups, and email lists. http://www.pactadopt.org/

Best wishes to you. White mom of child of color

I am surprised that you have not already addressed this issue with your child. When our daughter was a very young toddler we began talking about all kinds of families. We also put her in a preschool where we had many biracial children. While we were the first two mom family at the school, we recruited more to come. When families asked, we were open with information about what it’s like to be a two mom family, how we chose the donor, who got pregnant, how a second-parent adoption works. There were probing questions that I did not think anyone would ask. But we took the time to answer every one - - - most of the time with our daughter and her peers present. It helped make our daughter resilient.

I was the one who posted the family tree project question – and we met with the teacher. We asked our daughter what she wanted to say. One mom had the baby and the other mom loved the baby so much that she wanted to make it her own baby in every way so she adopted the baby. I asked what if kids asked questions about the right to exist. She said, well, the kids have not had exposure to all kinds of families. They’re probably saying that because they hear it at home and have never met a family like ours. It’s okay to express your opinion. It’s not okay to be hateful.

So, you may have to talk to your child about the fact that some people believe that the races should not mix. Maybe they feel that way because of what there parents believe, or maybe they feel that way because they have not met any mixed-race people. They can have an opinion. But they cannot name call and they cannot be hateful.

And as I have told my daughter, I will go to the ends of the earth to protect the rights of people to believe and speak their truth. I will also go to the ends of the earth to protect people from name-calling and hate. Early Education is Always the Best Way

I read a couple of books, my favorite being I'M CHOCOLATE, YOU'RE VANILLA: RAISING HEALTHY BLACK AND BIRACIAL CHILDREN IN A RACE CONSCIOUS WORLD. Its written by Marguerite Wright, an African American psychologist in Berkeley who interviewed many many children about their perception of race, and also interviewed many prominent African American adults about how they were raised in relation to racism and what their parents did to give them a healthy attitude towards life. The short story as I remember it regarding your issue is that children perceive race in a very different way from adults, at different stages in childhood. A very young child may talk about a ''white'' man as a man wearing a white shirt, whereas it means something very different to us. Pertaining to your particular issue, it's good to let children know you will not let people walk all over you, but if they are too young to understand what racism is, its better to focus your ''attitude corrections'' on basic human respect. For example, children know that name calling, pushing or hitting is disrespectful and wrong, so it would be good to focus on those issues. I think one example in the book was that a grocery clerk was rude to an African American mom while she had her children with her. She went to the manager and complained about the clerk's rudeness without mentioning that it was racist, but focusing on the rudeness. This demonstrated standing up for herself on topics her children understood. You can focus on the issue of respect rather than having a talk about racism before your child is ready to understand it. From what I remember, the author concluded that about 4th grade was when children have an ''adult-style'' understanding of racism. From knowing my 3rd grader, I agree that her understanding is still different. She can refer to people as ''black'' but there are no societal stereotypes attached.

I remember the book saying that the longer you are able to hold off on the ''racism'' talk, the better. Afr Am adults who succeeded in life got lots of positive early messages about what their possibilities are, not what their limits in society are.

Good luck and have lots of fun w/ your young one! You're a great parent to be thinking about this! Sue

Preschooler's remarks about skin color

My almost 3-year-old has entered a very literal phase that recently has manifested itself, among other ways, in (loudly) identifying people by their outward appearance. For example, the other day at a restaurant, when our Indian server handed me a menu, he said ''Mommy, what did that brown man just give you?'' Needless to say, we had an awkward little moment at the table. He also has begun to identify good friends by skin color (''Mommy, that kitty is brown like my friend Jennifer!''), and I'm not sure how to run with that. (My response so far has been along the lines of ''Yes, she is brown like Jennifer - we all have different colors...look, your eyes are brown and your sister's are blue!'') I have 2 questions about this, really. One, how to deal with those situations in the moment, when the person being referred to is easily within earshot? And two, how to have a meaningful, ongoing (and preschool- appropriate) dialogue about race and diversity at home? I do not want to squelch his newfound awareness of these things, because I think there is so much value and beauty in diversity, and I would like for him to learn to appreciate it and embrace it. I feel that telling him something along the lines of 'it's not polite to talk about that' would clearly be implying there's some sense of wrongness involved, and I absolutely don't want to go that route. So, how to talk to a 3-year-old about a subject as complicated as race, and encourage him to appreciate the differences in others? Oakland Mom

Race is not something that should be an uncomfortable topic. We need to discuss it more and more and more. For too long parents and educators have dismissed it because it is difficult, and this has fostered many children to feel that their own questions and feelings about race are wrong or stupid or unworthy of conversation. If we never talk about race, it will forever brew and continue to produce feelings of superiority and inferiority among us. say it loud, i'm black/brown/red/white and proud

I really don't understand why a child pointing out that a cat is the same color as his friend is a big deal. I think it's a big deal because you are making it a big deal. Was the Indian guy offended, or were just you? The guy is brown.....and you are beige. (I'm assuming). no biggie. I think the discussion of race makes us very uncomfortable and we would rather it never be brought to our attention and i think that is a problem. If he starts screaming at the top of his lungs that the brown man is somehow bad.....then you need to have a talk. I worry much more about my kid calling someone fat or weird looking. Just my opinion, we need to deal with our white guilt and acknowledge that people are sometimes brown and some people are the color of cats, chocolate, honey and chalk. That's what makes it all the more interesting. erin

I think this kind of description is more meaningful to my kids than ''race.'' There are so many kids in his class that are mixed race (including him) that it's more straightforward this way. I just answer his questions matter of factly about how Gramma and Grampa's mom and dad came from Mexico and that's why Grampa is darker and learned Spanish first.

Maybe we're on the wrong track, but I figure if we talk about this now, we'll eventually get to why and how people came here and what happened then, as he's able to ask more questions. But right now he just wants to describe who he plays with at school. beige

4-year-old's comments about skin color

For the past 9 months, my son, who just turned 4, has been commenting on the skin color of persons of African descent. When he sees an African or African-American person, he often says to me (in full earshot) of the person, ''Mommy, that person has black skin.'' His nanny, whom he adores, is African and he often says to me, ''Mommy, [the nanny] has black skin, but you and I have white skin.'' (I should mention that I am Asian and he is bi-racial -- Asian and Caucasian.) Interestingly, my son has never commented on, and seems completely oblivious to Asian or Hispanic racial characteristics. I'm not sure how to respond to his comments. On various occasions I've told my son (1) skin color is unimportant, (2) certain people have dark skin because they or their ancestors came from Africa where people have dark skin, and/or (3) we don't talk about skin color because it makes people uncomfortable. Nothing, however, seems to dissuade my son from making these comments. Sometimes he seems to think the whole topic is a joke saying, ''Mommy, so and so has a black face.'' Maybe I'm reading something into it, but it seems to me that my son is making some type of value judgment that darker colored skin is not as desirable as lighter skin. I have no idea where my son got his notions. I can honestly say that we have never discussed skin color or race at home. Also, we have African-American friends whom my son knows and likes in addition to his African nanny. My son's teachers told me that children his age are curious about racial differences and not to make a big deal of it, but I'm very embarrassed by my son's behavior around this issue. I grew up in a very bigoted small town and was very uncomfortable whenever someone called attention to racial issues, and now I can't believe my son is doing it. What should I do -- (a) ignore it, (b) keep trying to tell him that skin color doesn't matter, but shouldn't be discussed in public? Any suggestions would be appreciated. Embarrassed Mom

What I would do is either use this as a learning experience - yes, people are different, look at how daddy and I are different too and how you are mix of us, but only take it up to the point where he is interested. Or you can just acknowledge what he is saying and let it go.

What's really, really important is that you don't confuse observations with value judgements - and that by your attitude you don't let your son confuse them either. anon

Talking about race and skin color makes us grown-ups feel uncomfortable, but to embrace and realize the differences and talk about them is all part of accepting and learning and understanding. It's not necessarily wrong to make the observation, just impolite to talk about it out loud.

My son has also told other friends and relatives that they're fat or short, and fortunately, after the initial hesitation, they laugh and say, yes, you're right.

But then it is up to the parents to explain what's socially acceptable - that's the hard part! But it goes along with teaching all the other socially unacceptable behaviors, so eventually they do get it. Another Embarrassed Mom

Your son is NOT commenting on race, but on skin color. As yet he has no concept of race. For that reason telling him that skin color is unimportant is only confusing him. Skin color IS important to a 4 year-old -- its just not any more important than other identifying characteristics.

Likewise, the statement ''we don't talk about skin color because it makes people uncomfortable'' is confusing because he's not uncomfortable, YOU are. He's 4.

You might have more success just asking him not to comment loudly about the people he meets -- rather than singling out the race or color statements. For him, color is just an adjective, not a political statement.

I am more interested that he says people have ''black'' skin, when so few actually do. It seems like that perception comes from a grownup somewhere. You might want to know what others are saying to your child.

For instance: After 3 weeks in a Berkeley first grade, my daughter came home completely frustrated, saying, '' I don't get it! They keep talking about black kids and white kids at school, but all the kids I've seen are brown and pink!''

I really don't think this is a problem unless your child decides color is an indicator, instead of just a descriptor. Heather

What about, ''yes. That person has black or dark skin. Isnt it great how people can look different on the outsides? Doesnt it make life more interesting?.... Does your skin really look white to you? ... let's look in this magazine and see all the differences we notice among people... this one has light skin, this one has red hair... this one is quite short... shall we make a collage showing all kinds of different skin colors?...'' I also recommend the book: 40 Ways to Raise a Non-racist Child by Mathias and French. Peggy

With that said, it seems that your son is simply curious about different skin colors. Ignoring his curiosity seems to make him even more curious. Let him work it out. Get him some of those multi-cultural crayons, maybe you've seen them. They represent all the different skin colors. I think Crayola makes some. Also, Lakeshore Learning Center in San Leandro has not just crayons, but coloring books, clay, dolls, and a whole range of things for kids that help teach racial diversity and tolerance. This can be a good thing for your child. Let him have fun with it. Diversity is good

My suggestion is to step back and realize that these are little kids and they are simply curious. They do not intend any harm, nor is harm usually taken by others. Humor and kindness replace embarrassment really easily. For instance, I'd say to my kids after one of those ''his/her face is so dark'' comments ''Yeah, isn't it amazing how we all have such different skin, eyes and hair. I think it's really beautiful.'' That came easily because it was truly how I felt and also how I hoped my kids would feel.

As they've gotten older, we've been able to talk about pigmentation and how we inherit our looks and how different races have developed physically, but it's always grounded in the simple admission that yes, we are different on the outside, but pretty much the same on the inside. In addition, we've reinforced that there is no value derived from the shade of skin or eyes or hair. This is tough in a world where children are taught that ''people with blue eyes are the children of the devil'' as I heard from one of my 3rd graders and white skin is more beautiful than dark skin as I've heard from both white and African-American children.

When my class commented on how pale I was deep in the winter and if maybe I was sick, I said ''no, I'm healthy but working toward invisibility except my freckles keep messing me up'', and got a good laugh.

Relax and be thankful that your little boy is observant and talking to you about what he sees and thinks. Leanne

I absolutely don't shush him or tell him it's not something to discuss in public. He's merely commenting, noticing people around him. He's not making any judgment, and from what you say, neither is your son. If your son is merely commenting, as mine is, I don't see that it's necessary to say that skin color doesn't matter---it'd be like saying it doesn't matter that that car's hubcaps rotate or that that's a really big loaf of bread (other things he's commented on).

For me what makes the most sense is to hear what he's (really) saying and acknowledge it. I think ignoring, shushing, or telling him that's not something to talk about in public would make it a bigger issue than it is, possibly confuse him, and also potentially make him feel ashamed and less likely to pose questions, certainly none of which you intend. DL

My proper southern aunts (who thought they were very liberal) only whispered the word ''black.'' As in, ''My friend's neighbor, the one with the new car, she's (whisper) black.'' When I was a child, this made me wonder if it was a secret that the neighbor was black, or if it was something bad to be black. (This was before we had to say ''African-American.'' I'm sure if my aunts knew the new terminology, they would whisper it, too.)

I'd say if a person with black skin is offended that a 4-year old is pointing it out, then that is a person looking for something to be offended about. My African-American friends are not offended to be called ''black'' or have their skin described as ''dark'' or ''black.'' It's just the facts. reformed southern belle

However, it also sounds like he's picking up on your sensitivity about the issue and starting to respond by testing you a bit. It's completely understandable that you would want to make sure he does not develop racist attitudes, but to him, skin color really does matter! (Though not for the reasons you fear.) There is nothing wrong with telling him that it's impolite to talk about other people in their presence, but telling him not to talk about it all will simply give the subject a forbidden air, and make it much more attractive for him when he wants to push your buttons.

Try asking your son what he finds interesting about different skin colors, instead of assuming that you know what he's trying to communicate with his comments. That way you'll open up the topic for discussion and make it less of a taboo, and get a more accurate sense of just where he is at with the whole thing. Keep the conversation at his level, and resist the urge to probe for some sort of hidden agenda -- if you keep looking for it, he might tell you what he thinks you want to hear, in order to please you (4 year olds really do want to please!), and that will only increase your worry.

All in all, it sounds like your son's teachers are right. Take their advice if you can and don't be overly concerned ... or embarrassed. Lauren

Remember that your son is only 4 years old and, generally, people should and do understand that. It's good that he is sharing his ideas about differences now, so that you can help him form his opinions. Good luck. Paula C.

At the time I attributed his comments and new found awareness to a recent ''diversity sensitivey'' module at his very diverse and wonderful preschool. Perhaps it was also just normal for the age.

My approach was to do much what you are -- calmly explain that it's not polite to comment on people's appearance, especially in public; and to ask him how he'd feel if someone made a similar comment about him. I also pointed out that he did indeed have many friends with dark skin. Eventually he got the message that what he said was not nice and not true. Thankfully it was not a longtime issue. SJM