Our first baby is due on May 23rd and we are what most of the parents on this network are: well educated, and extremely thorough about researching what is best for our child and family. We've taken and are taking some very valuable childbirth classes throughout the pregnancy and are currently enrolled in Zann Ericks great childbirth prep class. However, the one thing that both my husband and I have been unable to find is a real community of new parents that are comfortable meeting with and sharing experiences outside of class with parents of color opr those from a lower socio-economic status. In every class we have attended we are the only people of color, and are in the minority in terms of our age (25), and economic status. At the major resource store here in San Francisco (Natural Resources) I've found that the people there make a lot of assumptions about me based on my appearance and have had some of the clerks give me very condescending unsolicited advice. Other times I've tried to strike up conversations with other mothers or mothers-to-be and found they look at me like we couldn't possibly have anything to talk about. It is very frustrating.

I am beginning to worry because as I near the big day I have read and heard from other parents that isolation is a big contributor to the post-partum blues, and I already suffer from depression. We are the only people in our circle of friends that are having and will have a baby. My girlfriend suggested that we each join a new parents group, but we are concerned that these groups will similiarly lack in diversity and leave us feeling as isolated and alienated as many of the groups in the classes we've attended have. We'd love to reach out, and don't need everyone to look like us for us to feel comfortable, in fact we are dedicated to raising our children around the diversity we have been so blessed to enjoy. However, we would like to find some groups in San Francisco (this is where we live), or in the east bay if necessary, that are welcoming to people of color as raising children of color presents its own diverse challenges and gifts. Please let me know if you have any suggestions on where we could look...thanks so much for listening.

If I use labels to describe myself, I am an immigrant, single mother of color with a multi-ethnic child who stays at home(what a mouthful!), and I found all the groups I joined were mostly married and caucasian with their own homes, etc... Somehow I still expected to fit in as I always connect with diverse groups, but I never did. One exception was MOCHA (Stay at Home Mothers of Color)advertised on Oprah, where I felt we could talk about real life issues with people of various backgrounds and where I could see people like me! Here is the contact for the lady who runs it in Oakland - Kalybsmommy@aol.com. They have a national website: www.mochamoms.org where you can post for San Francisco groups. There is also a group for young moms of color - it is in Oakland on Grand Ave run by a group that supports Native Americans or something. Sorry I can't find the contact right now.

I also actively recruited moms in the park by talking and exchanging numbers whenever I met someone I liked. It is amazingly easy to chat with strangers when you have children in tow. A few of these have paid off over time. I've still only found one mom of color I feel is a friend. But I have other moms that I really like now.

My best findings recently has been hooking up with people who share most of my concerns - single moms, regardless of ethnicity, or kids ages. We are finding ways to support - not just talk. I'm still sad that my old friends can't fit into my new life. I honestly think only a mom really 'gets' what it is like to be a mom. But my circle expands daily. Keep searching as you've done on this network and do it elsewhere too. You can form a group in your area just by asking for it online and in local cafes. I found a mom in my neighborhood on craigs list! Keep reaching out and don't give up, because no matter how easy your child and childbirth are (mine was made in heaven!) you still need support of other moms. I wish you the best of luck and congratulations for planning ahead. All the best! mamainama

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We don't know of any parenting groups that emphasize the needs and experiences of families of color, but (1) we will be eagerly scanning for other replies to your message which may have more information, and (2) if no group like this exists, why not create that community for ourselves? Feel free to contact us at any time; we'd love to talk. Devanie and Francisco

You are not imagining things. The isolation is real. People do treat you as though 1) you are an alien; 2) that you have no business attempting to interact with them given your differences; 3) that those differences can never be bridged; etc. etc. Anyhow, like many people of color who have come before us, the onus is on us to make the moves. We must overcome the hesitancy we feel in making an attempt to connect with folks, regardless of our fear of rejection. One thing that helped me to overcome those feelings was the notion that if the person rejects or rebuffs my friendship, then it is her/his loss. I am a vibrant, fun, and open person who is willing to have many different kinds of experiences. I believe that my many experiences and my openess to people has made me a better person. You sound like you are that kind of person and I admire you for that. People who are willing to emerge from their protective cocoons to interact with people of different races and cultures despite the prospect of rejection in my opinion are better for the experiences. I did find however, that after I made my initial connections with people then those connections led to others and so on. The other thing I did was to ask the few people we knew here to put me in touch with other people in the area who have a similar background as mine.

The bottom line is this, you cannot single handedly change the way people think in terms of race and ethnicity, but you can change the way you think and feel about yourself. I believe that if we approach people who are already prejudiced with an anticipation for rejection, they will sense your hesitancy and feel that they do not have to meet you half-way to do the work of socializing.

I cannot give you recommendations for any such established groups in San Francisco, but I would suggest you starting one yourself. Your posting on this website is a first step. I hope that you will get many responses or offers of support and suggestions here. Please feel free to contact me, perhaps before the birth of your child (incidentally, my first child's birthday is the same as your due date) and I can perhaps put you in touch with others.

My best regards to you and hope you can make the connections you seek. I do admire you for taking the steps you have to head off the possibility of postpartum depression. You can contact me at _______. Best of luck. Anon

As for resources, two wonderful professionals have made all the difference in my experience as a new mother, and they also happen to be African American. They are very knowledgeable and may be able to give you some leads for the kind of parents' group you are looking for. One is my obgyn and the doctor who delivered my baby- Dr. Kevin Scott Smith and he may be reached at his Montclair (Oakland) office at 510-339-8194. He also has an office in downtown Oakland, in Chinatown, but I don't have the number. The other is the director of the daycare my son attends, the Model School, and an educator of childcare professionals and parents. Her name is Dr. Daisy Mante. By the way, the Model School, 510-549-2799, in Berkeley, is a very diverse place with a great atmosphere and a very active parents' group-- see this web site for more info about the Model School. There are about 75 kids, from 3 months through pre-kindergarten.

Finally, not to be sappy, but I hope most of all that you really get to enjoy and look forward to this incredible, magical time with your new baby-- including right now! That's what this is all about. For me, this first year has gone by way too fast-- I'd give anything to relive it, especially those first few months. I wish you all the very best! hilari