I was just congratulating myself that I found the phrase "terrible twos" to be so innaccurate, as surely 2 is the most beguiling, loving, interesting time, despite its challenges. But I have to say, in the last weeks, and especially the last few days, my almost- 2.5 year old has been testing me to the limit. Maybe it's partly the holiday season and all its stresses/excesses, but this began a bit before the holidays. He's started to develop a lot of obsessions and obsessive behavior (refusing to wear anything but striped overalls every day, being upset if his food is "broken," or crumbled or in any way imperfect, needing things to face a certain way, needing me to hold his books when we read together in just the right position, and on and on). When any of these things goes awry, like I try to get him to wear something else, or a piece of his waffle crumbles off when I'm cutting it, or I don't let him put a fifth coat of toothpaste (another of his new obsessions) on his toothbrush, he is NEVER just mildly upset, he is always in full meltdown mode instantly. Often these moments last just that--a few minutes, and comfort, reflecting back his feelings or redirection works to calm him down. But even when the incidents pass quickly (and they don't always), there are probably 5 or so of these just in the time between his getting up and us going to day care or a sitter coming (I'm a single mom newly working full time). And then there are 5 or more when we're together again in the evening. On days when I'm with him the whole day, there could be 20 incidents in a day. And even if they last only a few minutes, the sheer accumulation of them becomes incredibly wearing. Right now I'm in an extremely stressful time of my life--a full-time job commitment that takes up even more time than I anticipated, some deadlines from free-lance work I have, the normal holiday stresses exacerbated by my first real holiday seperate from my husband and an acute awareness of how alone I feel, etc., a recent bout of bad stomach flu, and, as a result of all these things, complete sleep deprivation and bad nutrition. Of course I'm sure some of my son's behavior is triggered by my stress, but I usually manage a lot of patience with him, and lately, it's just begun to feel like he's gone out of control and I'm on the verge of doing so, so the patience wears thin pretty fast, and I'm ashamed of how I've been handling him. Losing my temper constantly with him and feeling completely unsure of whether I've been too lenient--giving him what he wants to keep him from screaming (it's only recently that I've instituted a three-doses-of-toothpaste per brushing session rule) or if I'm fighting the small stuff and should give in more. My instincts tell me not to give him what he wants when he screams, but he has no other method of demanding than that, so he pretty much screams for everything. He's also, in recent days, begun hitting his toys and throwing things, and all the methods I've tried for heading that off at the pass have failed (I've warned, then taken away the thing he's thrown, moved him away from toys he's hitting, tried to get him to playact with his stuffed bear to model alternative behaviours--he just makes the bear hit the toys). While the answer might be to try to take a break, have someone sit so I can get out or something, I've been feeling so guilty about not spending enough time with him as it is, that I don't think that's the answer. So this is a long-winded way of asking both for suggestions about how to gently handle this behavior more successfully, and also whether people think it IS all pretty much normal two-year-old behavior or whether something else might be going on. Thanks.

Some of what is going on may be because your child is 2.5, some may be the holidays, some your new schedule, your stress...whatever. I have given up trying to figure out WHY stuff is happening in our family. I just need my energy to focus on WHAT to do about it.

I would recommend the following books as great support: Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser, Real Boys by William Pollack, Single Mothers Companion by Marsha R. Leslie. Of course you don't have much time to read but a few pages can make a huge difference.

I would also suggest that you take your son on a special outing. Tell him that you want some special time for the two of you and really make it stand out as special. I think you both need to know that you are important to each other in this challenging time.

In my view, it is not only quality time with a parent but Quantity that children require to feel safe, especially during times of transition. I hope you will spend as much time as possible with him now.

As far as discipline-there are so many different ways to parent...Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, mentioned above will help you find your way of discipline. You might also want to check out books by William Sears, M.D. for some ideas on discipline.

I find very simple things give me a sense of peace and self-care these days; taking the time to make a cup of tea (I never have a chance to sit and drink the whole cup but just making it feels good!), staying up that extra 30 minutes for a long hot bath with a candle burning, bundling us all up for a slow walk...whatever makes you slow down for just a bit and remember what is really important to you.

Additionally, I highly recommend play therapy with a child psychologist for your son. Many people seem to think children don't benefit from therapy but I can say from my experience that it has absolutely saved my son from the devastation of being a child of divorce. He is working things out Now. I am confident that in the long run he will not need to do this work in his later years because he is able to move through his grief and emotional pain now.

Single parents need and deserve a lot of support, from family, friends, society and each other. Thank you for reaching out!

Some things that worked for us: 1) At one point I realized that the days were worse when we didn't follow the usually morning rituals - the main one was taking time to have cuddle time in Mom's bed when he first got up in the morning. So even if I was up and dressed before he woke I would get back in bed to spend time with him after he woke up. Perhaps you can identify some key expectations, on his part, that can be brought back into your routine. 2) If he gets too upset, then we use a time out- not as punishment, but as time for him to calm down before we deal with the issue upsetting him. 3) Setting certain clear rules - just like you did with the toothpaste issue. 4) Warning him if there is to be a change- eg. his jeans are too dirty to wear so we'll have to find something else.- While this doesn't always alleviate the immediate emotional outburst, with time it does help. Hope this helps a bit. Ellen

I believe breaks and firm limits are very important. I think it was Brazelton who said that most behavior problems in the children of working parents are because children save their most challenging behavior for parents, and working parents who feel guilty about being away from their children want to be "nice" and don't enforce firm, consistent limits. "Out of control" kids are reassured by being gently but firmly shown what behavior will not be accepted. Their behavior frightens them more than us (which is saying a lot)!

It might help to find a support network of single parents, to help take care of yourself. This is a hard time, even with two parents to share the stress!

One positive note -- the "picky" behavior your son is exhibiting is one of the first signs of readiness for toilet training -- so don't knock it too much! Meri

One relevant piece of his advice: give the kid control over things that don't matter, such as obsessions over what to wear, and how to cut up their food.

The book also advises how the parent can remove themselves from a power struggle. Dreikurs calls one of his techiques "taking your sails out of their wind".

I'm not sure whether it can address all the 2-year-old's difficulties, but you may find that applying its knowledge can produce "miracles" and leave you in a better position to judge whether other types of help are required.

After reading this book, you will also know when to be lenient and when to be firm. The book also gives specific advice about when consequences or rewards are appropriate, and of what type. Fran