Foster adoption agencies for Alameda County

My husband and I have recently begun our foster adoption process in Alameda County, ideally adopting a younger sibling to our family of 3 which includes our biological son. We have interviewed 3 private nonprofit agencies -- Adopt a Special Kid, A Better Way and Family Builders. I have also attended the County's orientation session. We are leaning towards Family Builders based on some positive feedback from BPN postings and a more detailed referral from a friend who has worked with them. We also found their orientation presentation to be the most appealing and professional. But we would like to get more current feedback from others who have worked with these agencies and what your experiences have been.

Our one hesitation about Family Builders is that they do not assign a SW until we are at the matching process stage which could easily be 4-5 months from now. Our initial 2 hour intake interview with FB was with a contract employee vs. with AASK, our intake interview was with a SW who would likely be our ongoing contact person and SW, though they cannot guarantee that she would be able to stay with us throughout the whole process, which we completely understand. But at least we would know early on who it would likely be and can determine whether it will be easy relationship or a more difficult or forced one.

I was completely turned off and disturbed after attending the County's February orientation session. The presenter said clearly that family building was not their agency's objective, but placing children is. So to the extent a prospective family makes it difficult for a SW to quickly place a child, ie. asks lots of questions, is cautious about matching, wants to meet the child first etc., the SW's will not call upon that family again very quickly the next time. She even joked that if you have a hyphenated last name, that the staff may overlook you in favor of others. Not exactly sure what she was getting at but I can guess, and my guess left me very offended. Thank you in advance for your feedback! Alameda mom

However, we discovered that Family Builders just seems to attract great people, and we ended up working with someone through the placement process who we all came to really care about. Now that our adoption has finalized, we are thrilled to be free of ''social workers,'' but have to admit that we miss visits from our placement worker now that they've finally come to an end (and our son still talks about our social worker, though he never mentions his own county worker).

I understand your concerns about not having that resource up front as you navigate the larger process, but we found that even though there were times we had to play advocate with the agency to keep things moving (until we got to placement), the combination of wonderful social workers, and a truly open attitude about what makes a family provided us with the consistent resources we needed from the agency - and indeed continues as we attend classes and support groups they provide.

Best of luck! It's a daunting and ultimately very worthwhile experience. Finally a Family

You're right to pay attention to how you feel about the processes of each agency, since they vary. I'd also recommend asking about what kinds of support they offer after they place the child(ren) with you, and if they offer any post-adoption services.

We liked that AASK had long-standing relationships with child welfare workers in many counties, which is helpful in the ''matching'' phase. They also link every family with a buddy family, who's adopted their kids through AASK. I can't remember when in the process that happened, but it was one of the most useful things the agency did. While people probably have varying experiences with their buddy families, ours was wonderful. It helped to make the whole thing real during the phase when it seemed to be all about paperwork. Best of luck! Sarah

Experiences with Foster Adoption?

We are interested in adopting through the foster-adopt program, and would love to hear of recent experiences. We would prefer a younger child, 18 months or so, in part because we have 2 other children. How long has the process taken from the time you begin training? Have your adopted children had significant special needs? If you have older children, have there been unanticipated challenges with this adjustment? Thank you for any thoughts or advice! -hoping to adopt

Planning to adopt through the Foster Care system

My husband and I are planning to adopt an infant or up to 3, 4 years-old child through the Foster Care system. Some of our friends are so negative and judgmental about the children in the Foster Care system being a ''crack baby'' with severe mental/physical problems with their parent/parents being incarcerated!!! I am sure there are many cases like that but we keep telling the friends not all children are like that and it's really case by case. I would very much appreciate if anyone who is raising a child adopted through Foster Care system could share her/his experiences with me. Thank you so much in advance! MST

There are many wonderful children waiting for adoption. Some have had a tough start. Most are amazingly resilient. If you adopt through the County you will know the child's background, health, and life experiences up to that point. The social workers work hard to make the right match. I know several families who have gone through the foster/adopt program. My children are eligible for a full array of support services offered through the County if they have a need up to age 18. It's free, it's local and it's a wonderful way to build your family. I encourage you to do it! anon

When you fost/adopt you get a lot of information before you even meet a kid. We even talked with the current foster parents of several kids.

It's nice to know (although you wouldn't do it casually) that if a foster kid's a bad fit for your family you don't have to move forward with adoption.

Don't freak out too much about having birth parents locally - be open to keeping contact. It can be easier to talk about birth parents as actual people that they know (when that's possible).

You should spend time with people who support your decision. We have a friend whose birth son has issues (always good to remember it happens with bio kids, too) and who adores our kid. We spend more time with her and less with the folks who looked like they thought our kid was contagious.

Fost/adopt is the cheapest way to have a kid. You get a monthly stipend until the adoption is finalized (it doesn't cover all the kid-costs, but still). MediCal continues until they're 18. It's what universal health care is like -- hand over the card and no co-pays, bills, nothing. It has made it easier to spend money on other kid-resources without stretching ourselves.

We are happy to tell you everything we've figured out about FSA agencies, the county, and what we wished we knew when we started. It's not without its bureaucracy -- but less than a private or international adoption.

If you'd like to meet a foster kid (who was held up for a while due to possible Native American background, although no tribe was ever identified,) just to get a different picture in your head, email us. aj

So trust your gut. Adopting from the US foster care system is a wonderful thing to do and the odds that your child will be 'tainted' are no more than the odds any adopted baby will be. Fan of foster care adoption

There is a real range of children in foster care, and the process of being approved to adopt helps you begin to think about what you can handle and what you cannot. What's most important is what your family feels is right for you - it's not your friends who will raise this child. And the well-meaning family and friends who expressed their concerns about the route we took have fallen head over heels for our son right along with us - none of us ever talks about those long-ago conversations now.

Good luck to you! Becoming a parent - any way you do it - is one of the hardest most wonderful things you'll ever do. Anon

County adoption - feeling discouraged about our prospects

My husband and I are very interested in adoption, and have been pursuing this through the county, and also through ICWA (Indian Child Welfare Act) agencies, since my husband is part Sioux.

We were very enthusiastic about this, and particularly about the possibility of a child who has some heritage in common with one of us (my husband) and our bio son, who is 2 1/2 years old.

However, now that we have attended several trainings and met with one social worker we are feeling very discouraged. In a nutshell, we have been told that we are guaranteed to get a disturbed child, are likely to have him/her snatched back and our hearts broken, etc. I understand that it is the social workers' job to give us worst case scenario, but there seems to be a universal message of future misery, and emotional and physical danger of several types to our son.

I did read the one positive county-adoption story, and it helped. Can anyone else clear away some of this negativity with a success story? We are open to some tough times, but can only be open to limited amounts because our soon is involved. We're just not sure what the reality is.

Thank you so much! Jenny

I am so sorry that you have been given a bleak picture of the adoption process. Yes, they have to tell you all the risks, but there are ways to mitigate these risks. One way would be to only consider children who have already had their birth parental rights terminated (and yes this can be the case even with infants). You can also ask for a different social worker. In my case, I told my social worker that I could not take a child with special needs. Don't be afraid to be honest with what will be the best match for your family. There are children of all ages and races and abilities and histories waiting for a loving family. I know of two other families who adopted through the county when I did and they also had a pretty easy time of it and their adoptions all were finalized quickly (many months ahead of me).

I want to encourage you to go for it. There are so many deserving children waiting for forever homes. anonymous

Maybe more information would help your fears. I recommend reading Toddler Adoption by Mary Hopkins-Best, Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray and anything by Nancy Thomas, but particularily, When Love is Not Enough. Probably any child who is available for adoption through fost/adopt will have some attachment issues and it's good to know that these can be healed, though sometimes not without a lot of hard work on everybody's part. There are thousands of resiliant and beautiful children available for adoption today. - - - Hang in there. Thrilled, but tired, Adoptive Mom.

He is above average in intelligence, sweet, beautiful, and mostly healthy. He has asthma, which may have to do with us living in Richmond... He and I bonded so deeply, I can't imagine how it could be deeper.

His birthmother's rights were terminated before I adopted him, so I never had to worry about losing him. (I have always felt sad for her...)

I don't want to put my name on the web with this, but if you'd like to talk, please call me. -happy mama

We were a family less than one year after beginning the MAPP class. Some in our class were matched with young babies. Some children are already legally unrelated to their birth parents. Some are more complicated.

When you go through the process, you fill out a lenghty questionnaire, setting up a profile of characteristics and risks you're willing to accept in a match, from gender and race to drug exposure and bed-wetting. This helps them to make a good match. And when you are matched, you don't have to move forward with it.

Yes, our children had some serious adjustment to do, but they're good and sweet and smart. And parenting any child comes with risks and adjustments for all.

We found everyone with the county that we worked with to be dedicated, intelligent, decent, and caring. It may not be this way for everyone, but don't write it off. anon

One of the most useful (and challenging) resources outside of the county has been Pact, an Adoption Alliance (see http://pactadopt.org/). Although children available for public adoption in California are pretty evenly split between Anglo, Latino, and African-American children in near Bay Area counties it is mostly Black children who are available for placement.

Pact provides support and training for families who have adoptive children of color. They offer reecommendations for reading, short classes and an annual week-long family summer camp with separate programming for parents and children. Pact makes us better parents and isn't afraid to challenge us in ways that make us pay attention to what's best for our kids that we might otherwise have missed.

I didn't see the initial post and am not sure of the racial background of the person who asked for advice but me and my sweettie are white folks and many people who seek formal adoptions are also white folk (as contrasted with 1) foster care providers who in Alameda County seemed predominantly African-American and 2) informal adoptions where folks ask family and friends to take care of their birth children).

Facilitating our African-American daughters ability to connect with their birth culture --and being aware of the power plays involved in who is ''available'' to be adopted and who is ''adopting''-- is something we are (and will continue to) work at. Part of learning to do that is made easier by Pact as well as reading the blogs of adult transracially adopted people of color like http://birthproject.wordpress.com/ and http://twicetherice.wordpress.com/

Much love and best of luck on your journey

Considering foster-adopt but concerned about family dynamics

I’m a stay-at-home-mom with a 4-year-old daughter & a husband who is highly devoted to our family, but whose work requires him to be gone 4 days per week. We are seriously considering adopting a child (or perhaps siblings) through the foster care system.

We have found the information provided on the BPN site to be helpful (http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/adoption/foster.html), & have also spoken with others who have gone through the Foster-to-Adoption process.

But we specifically wonder if anyone has dealt with the specific challenges that we face:

(1) Dynamics with our existing biological daughter: We’re concerned about our daughter feeling jealous; getting attached to a prospective sibling who is later placed with their biological family; having to share her room for now; etc.

(2) My husband working so far away: It’s hard, but we’ve adjusted successfully & hope the situation will eventually change. But for now, he leaves Monday morning & returns late Thursday night. I am aware that the Fost-Adopt process requires many hours of meetings, paperwork, classes, etc. Can we do some of this on weekends?

(3) Dynamics with grandparents & relatives: We’re close with them & they all adore our daughter. But they live far away. Nonetheless, we’re concerned that they will favor our biological daughter over any foster or adoptive children.

We do have a lot to offer: We’re both educated professionals; my husband makes a good income; we’re stable & own our own home; we enjoy parenting & I have experience working with young children as a volunteer preschool classroom aide. We’re excited about adopting through the foster care system. But we also want to be well informed & prepared & to make sure that everyone involved winds up as happy & well-adjusted as possible – including ourselves as parents.

Thank you. We will be extremely grateful for any perspectives on the issues we’ve described Prospective Fost-Adopt Mom

1. Trainers should be able to help you with this dynamic; part of the course work. Communication is vital. Could write a book in answer to your question. Jelousy is a natural part of the transition, I believe, but as things adjust and accomodate it should subside to normal sibling rivalry/dynamics.

2. Time demands. We took the training on consequtive Saturdays for 8 weeks in the mornings. Initial paperwork needs some devoted time to but after you're fost-adopt parent, there's almost nothing. CPR/First Aid needs to be current, classes thru Red Cross offered on weekends. You need 8 hrs of CEU's per year (both you and spouse) which can be at a site or some on- line training or parenting videos.

3.Your family will probably surprise you with their willingness to love your adopted child as your biological. As any relationship, they will have to get to know him/her and the more time they spend together and communicate (e-mail, pictures, phone calls, etc), the bonding process comes along nicely. You can lay the groundwork for this by talking to them about the fact that you're considering adoption and discuss their thoughts and feelings prior to taking classes. Lots more ideas if you'd like to e-mail me please feel free. Best of luck! G McGuire

When it comes to your daughter she would probably feel jealous of a new child regardless of how that child came to be in your home. I am sure that your duaghter has already experienced friends or family moving away. Although it would be hard it the child had to leave I think she would be able to cope and hopefully be happy for the child that he/she is able to be with his/her birth family.

Your freinds/family may treat a non-birth family the same as your birth daughter, but they will probably follow your lead. You will need to feel confident and comfortable enough to tell them when they are being insensitive or inappropriate. More than likely they will come to view the child as part of the family.

When it comes to your husband being away four days a week I worry for two reasons. 1) children in foster care have often experienced many losses and disruptions. Intially they might worry that he won't come back or they drove him away. It would be very important that he be able to take several weeks of leave to be home when a child is intially placed. 2) Parenting is hard, even your birth children. When your husband is away you would be the only parent and a lot would be expected of you. Many of are parents are single mothers and seem to manage well. It is important that you figure out who your support people will be when your husband is not home. As for the paperwork/training, the agency I work for offers the required training over three Saturdays and we also offer fingerprinting and cpr/1st aid training on some Saturdays. It is certainly doable.

I hope this was helpful, please feel free to contact me via e-mail or at work. I hope you pursue this journey. I have known many families who have found great reward and joy. If you get this before 8/19 I can get you an invitation to our annual picnic where you can meet foster-to-adopt families. Sarah

In hindsite, I would suggest that you: 1. Be proactive about finding an agency that you are comfortable with. There are a number of private nonprofit agencies in the East Bay (FamilyBuilders, Adopt A Special Kid, A Better Way) that serve this purpose and offer training and matching. 2. Plan the age separation between your two children - I suggest 2 years or more. Less than 2 years can create an unfair dynamic, as they are not competing on even ground. 3. Consider the needs of raising a child who is not your ethnicity. It is a huge reponsibility to prepare a child to feel included in a culture that is not shared by their immediate family.

Fortunately, there are support organizations like PACT and IPride who help blended families like ours. 4. Learn all you can about the special needs of kids who have been neglected. There are many first person narratives available which explain the kinds of behavior you can expect - you need to understand what problems can likely be overcome once the child feels secure (1-2 years) and others which may have more serious results. 5. Don't wait too long! Start now, because the longer you wait the more the upset will be for your daughter when her little brother or sister arrives. It takes 3-6 months minimum to go thru the home study/training/ CPR etc. and then you could be matched quickly or it could take years, as it did for us.

There are many challenges in this process, and it takes perseverance and much inner strength, plus a willingness to open your lives to the social workers. You will be exposed to a shameful side of our society: the tragic results of child abuse and neglect. But you will be joining a community of blended families who support eachother and know they are doing something big, something essential, to help alleviate a child's suffering and loss. Kristin

1) I guess just remember that kids become siblings, sometimes through child birth and sometimes through adoption. If you're concerned about her feelings, ask her is she has any! Chances are you can ride the tide of excitement over getting a sibling. Just imagine if you became pregnant...what would you say? Say that!

2)My other half is a pilot and is away for days at a time. I have found that having other children has alleviated a lot of the constant attention activities that an only child has. It is my sense that the foster system is so in need that they will find a way to work with your schedule. I ended up being the point person for a lot of the communication...with email - almost everything is possible!

3)If your family members are favoring your biological daughter over your adopted children then you need to do more footwork with them laying the ground rules. ANd also, in their defense, a bit of that is natural. It's been several years now since we adopted our first 2 kids...whatever weirdness that ever existed is gone. And it was non-existant when we adopted the younger 2. But if it ever crops up...it's THEIR issue, not yours. If it goes so far that the children become aware of favoritism then you need to insist on stricter ground rules for your relatives!

PLEASE UNDERSTAND: if you are adopting through the foster care system...this is a huge government-run agency. Many of the practices seem to work against the child's best interest. Commit yourself to the process, and understand that the major feelings of chaos are going to come from dealing with the system, not from the kids. There are transition issues that you should take classes for...but there is no class that will prepare you for taking a child you have bonded with and releasing them for a visit with a birth parent who will resent you and will have legal rights over you until the child is legally free. Seriously prepare yourself and ask lots of foster parents about the process. It's daunting...the children are a snap by comparison. anon

Discouraged about fost-adopting an under 6-yr-old

We would love to hear from people who have advice or experience adopting non-infants either through the County or internationally. We are currently receiving referrals for fost- adopt through a non-profit agency. The social worker has started dropping comments about how difficult it is to find children under 6: ''that's what everyone is looking for'' and ''we don't see many except in sibling groups or with very serious issues.'' It's a little frustrating as we were pretty clear about what we were willing to consider from the beginning and if it wasn't viable it seems the agency should have told us before wasting resources on us. Our parameters are not narrow, by the way. We also heard that the County has changed its training because they want to focus on getting long-term foster families, not adoptive families. All seems to suggest that the need is not there for who we are able to adopt.

We are starting to consider beginning the process for international adoption, just so that if the County process doesn't work, we don't have to start from scratch. Mainly we want to get this resolved within a year as there's an aspect of our lives being on hold because we don't know when a child might join our family.

We would like to hear from anyone with experience with fost/adopt or international adoption of non-infants. What did you wish you knew when you started? What would you do differently and what worked well? We would appreciate email addresses as well. We can't attach ours as our agency doesn't know we are considering a dual path. thanks, anon

By asking these big questions, you have (as my adoption counselor told me 8 years ago) started the journey toward the child of your heart. It will be quite a journey, the most incredible you've ever taken. Lots of luck whatever you decide! sabrina

These kids are all races, (at last assessment it was nearly one third caucasian, one third African American and one third Latino. I highly recommend giving A Better Way a call and come to some of their free support groups to get more of your questions answered. I would also be more than happy to talk with you some more.

Also, the current mandate in the state of California child welfare system is permanent placement, NOT long term foster or reunification services. Whether that is a good thing or not is another question, but that is their current mandate. There are 10,000 children in California right now available (and eager)for adoption.

A Better Way has already started the process with us of placing another child with us, so our son can have a sibling. The willingness to accept a child under 2 has put us in the ''high desirable'' list in their system.

Please don't let the runaround scare you off. It is a beurocratic system to navigate, but so very worth it. Shoshana

We also know of a couple that had a bad experience with a local agency, who did not prepare them properly. Go through AASK! Links

http://www.adoptaspecialkid.org/
http://www.bayareaheartgallery.com/
http://www.bayareaheartgallery.com/images/_f_gallery06.jpg

Fost-adopt is a cooperative process so please talk through your concerns and give them a chance to work with you. Also, will international adoption meet your family's goals? Int'l adoption can take a long time too, the kids can have just as many challenges as domestic kids, the cost is high and the supports are often much less. You have to do what's right for your family, but please don't be dishonest in the process.

thanks and good luck in your family building! anon also

AASK is an excellent adoption agency that takes care of everything at no cost to adoptive families. That's right it costs nothing to adopt children who are in foster care. After adoption these children often qualify for adoption assistance, state funds that make monthly payments to help adoptive families to help with expenses for child rearing. We adopted 2 siblings who were 3 and 4 when they moved into our home and 4 and 5 when we adopted them. We know families who adopted infants through fost/adopt as well. Please contact AASK at 510-553-1748. AASK will help you become parents of a child or children who need forever families. I know AASK will give you correct information regarding all of the possibilities of fost/adoption Parents of 2 adopted from CA foster care (with help of AASK)

As for adopting young children, I have heard that it is not easy. It can takes months to years after placement before a child is freed for adoption (i.e., parental rights are terminated, etc.), and fost/adoption meants that you make a committment to the child knowing that he/she may ultimately be returned to their birth family. Many children who have been removed from their parents will have significant issues--it goes with the territory, and would be equally true with an international adoption, although the exact nature of the issues may be different. That doesn't mean the problems will be dreadful or untreatable, and dealing with them while the child is young makes a huge difference. And everything I've heard about international adoption indicates a similarly lengthy process without the chance to get to know the child before you take them in. Seems at least as risky in its own way.

All that said, sometimes things work out. We were hoping for a newborn and expected a child over 6-months-old because supposedly newborns are never available. But we ended up accepting an emergency placement (which we had had no intention of getting into) of a 4-day-old and have had remarkably smooth sailing through the court process--finalization whould be in a feww weeks!

Best of luck to you--there are a lot of kids who need homes, but the process is sometimes slow, difficult and emotionally risky. Libby

You said you had heard that the county has shifted its emphasis to recruiting ''long term foster care'' families. I don't think this is correct, but I think I know where this perception comes from. About a year ago the county officially made recruitment of ''concurrent planning'' families its highest priority. This is when the county simultaneously works on a reunification plan while also planning for an eventual adoption as the backup plan. They hope to recruit families who are willing to go either way, i.e. who will take in foster kids who may be reunified, but who will be willing to adopt the child if they are not.

However, the county is still quite willing to work with families who only want to adopt -- or who only want to foster, for that matter. In my experience, there's no hard sell for concurrent planning -- they encourage you to consider it, but they'll take ''no thanks'' for an answer. I was clear with the SWs throughout that I only want to adopt, and they were fine with this.

The other point I wanted to bring up, since you mentioned international adoption, is the expense. International adoption is very expensive -- less so for an older child, but it will still likely cost you far more than the $10,000 tax credit available for covering adoption expenses. On the other hand, not only is adopting a foster child completely free to you, you will be eligible for a monthly stipend (even after the adoption is finalized -- it's called the ''adoption assistance program).

If you want more info, feel free to email me. Diane

Helping an 18 year old who is leaving the foster care system

Hello, does anyone have knowledge about what happens to young people who have lived in a foster care home their whole lives and then turn 18 years old and are kicked out.

I know a lovely senior at Oakland High who will graduate June 2006. Her birthday is Jan 2006 so she is being tossed out of her ''home'' early January. I want to help her, looking for housing as well as what services are available. She is a A and B student who works a part time job and she definately wants to finish high school.

Are there any funds available to help with her expenses? Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Kaeleen

Also, with being a foster child for so long, I was eligible for many scholarships to colleges (including technical colleges). This may be something she should also look into if she wants to further her education upon graduation.

If you have any other questions or comments you feel I could help with, please feel free to send me an email! Hope this helps a bit and the best of luck to her! Jean

There are also some new ''by and for foster youth'' organizations springing up. One is California Youth Connection --run by current and former foster youth as a kind of public policy organization to improve services to foster youth. Their link is:

http://www.calyouthconn.org/site/cyc/

www.fosteryouth.net is a website that lists services, provides discussion boards and resources for foster and emancipated youth in Northern California.

If the girl you mention is interested, A Home Within is a non-profit organization that provides free ongoing psychotherapy for current and former foster youth as long as they need it. It is run by psychotherapists in private practice who contribute their services pro-bono, and is quite reputable. Their link is: http:// www.ahomewithin.org/ Good luck!

Best of luck!

Also, some colleges will offer scholarhships to foster care kids. I would suggest exploring private as well as public colleges and universities. Sometimes private schools can offer financial aid to such students to make it possible and sometimes smaller schools can offer more of the intensive, personalized experience that might help such a young person to thrive.

Having an adult out there who is interested in helping the young person navigate this sometimes bewildering world is a huge help. Bravo to you for stepping up! Sabrina

We're consisering becoming foster parents - advice?

Does anyone have any experience with being a foster parent in Alameda County? My husband and I are considering it. We have a son who is 21 months old as well. I am interested to know how the experience may affect my son and our family life. Any input is appreciated. Thanks, Jennifer

Adopting siblings who've been in foster care

Our friends are about to adopt to children. They're siblings (5 & 7 years old) that are currently separated in foster care homes. (Their mom is in jail - drugs.) The children have been in foster care for years now and the mom has agreed to give her children up for adoption which is where our friends come into the picture. Our friends and the children are in for a huge life change and we want to give them something that may make their transition into a family a little easier. Can you recommend and books or whatever else that might help? The Parents website has a lot of recommendations for interacial adoptions but I didn't see any for kids, parents, and adoptive parents with this situation. Thank you

Specifically- Don't be shy about acknowledgeing that these kids have known, and perhaps loved, many people, caretakers, and foster families before coming to their new home. MAINTAINING LINKS with many of these people is crucial to any child's sense of continuity, emotional safety, and identity.

Consider that any information you may have about their family of origin and history is their private life, theirs to tell when they choose to share it.

Consider that their mother may be making a very difficult choice in finally deciding to place her children for adoption- a situation that is permanent.

If you choose to, you can really let your friends and their new children know that you are part of their community by hanging in there!! Make and effort to get to know the children, offer to babysit or take the kids out some time. (-When the timing feels right to the new parents.)

Education, respect for all parties involved (the adoptees, the adoptive parents and the 'birth' parents) and sheer stick-to-it- tive-ness (to coin a phrase) can lead to a lot of love, and solid community.

Best wishes to all in this transition. Melissa

More advice about adopting through the county

All of the decisions that a family makes about adopting are important and personal (open/closed, domestic/international, same race/other race, boy/girl, one child/siblings, infant/older, etc.). I adopted through Alameda County and am an advocate for local adoption, while respecting the other choices people make. There are thousands of kids in California waiting for adoption, of every race, age, and degree of 'ordinariness' possible. I am single and adopted my Asian/European-American daughter through Alameda County four years ago at the age of one. From everything I read on this list, it has been no more challenging than I might imagine having and raising a biological child within a marriage might have been-that is, the joy of watching your kid grow and learn, mixed with getting through the difficult stages, making difficult decisions, enduring awkward family visits, and all that. This was not an open adoption, but we stayed in touch with her birth-dad's family. While the experience was not always easy, in the end it has been rich and worthwhile. We were very fortunate to get to know her bio- grandparents before both died last year, and we are also in touch with her biological brother who was adopted by another family. My notion of family has expanded over time and we celebrate that my duaghter has three moms -- birth-mom, previous foster-mom, and ''forever mom'' (me). Like every parent, at various junctures I have had to make tough decisions based on what's best for my kid, sometimes for the short term and sometimes with a longer view.

My daughter was exposed to drugs in utero. She is a challenging child at times and I'm quite sure that most of it is her innate personality, but presumably some of it could be effects of the initial separation from her birth-mom and the toxic exposure. She was very fortunate to live her entire first year with a wonderful foster mom who remains our friend, so there was no attachment disorder. As she transitions into kindergarten, we are getting professional counseling for the two of us to help with some difficult behaviors, but for the most part, it has been quite manageable and ordinary. Overall, she is an average, bright and affectionate child who brings great joy to me and many others.

The finances of adopting from the county are rather astonishing. The cost is zero (that's right, they even pay you back the $40 for CPR training!). That ironically means you don't get much adoption tax credit, because you had no expenses. Not only that, but kids adopted through the county are eligible for a number of subsidized services like Medi-Cal and the 'adoption assistance program,' which means they get monthly payments toward their support until they're 18 (in our case, $425/month). I didn't even know I would get this when I adopted and didn't expect to need it, but with one income and the cost of living here including full-time childcare, it has been a tremendous help.

There are horror stories about every kind of adoption, but I am convinced that they are greatly outweighed by the millions of experiences of people building every variety of family imaginable through opening their hearts to children needing a family. I applaud your openness to considering adoption and wish you the very best. Happy local adoptive mom

In my experience with Alameda County, the workers explained that you can somewhat manage the level of risk that you are willing to take. You may indicate that you are willing only to consider children whose parents no longer have legal rights to them (either through abandonment, relinquishment on the parents' part, or through the state terminating the parents' rights). There are children who are in various points in the process of becoming wards of the state, i.e. they may be available for placement before or after the "termination of rights" hearing has taken place. Then there are appeal periods, and waiting periods which you will be informed about, during which the child's custodial status is in transition. You can decide what level of risk is acceptable to you. You also need to do research about the rights that birth parents have, which vary by state (i.e. how long they legally have to "change their minds.") Also, you need to decide what level of openness you are willing to live with, e.g., would you be willing to have any contact with your child's birth family, at any point, or not. Adopting a local child would be quite different in this regard from adopting from another state or country, for instance. Finally, be prepared to hear stories, perhaps even "horror stories" from people, or through the grapevine, about foster-adopt or adoptive parents who have had children placed with them who were later returned to their birth families. From my understanding, there are risks to be calculated, but there are points of no return, when your legal rights to the child are secure. Hope this is helpful!