Need info about adopting

My husband and I want to adopt a child. We are open to older kids but a newborn would be great too. Looking for more info about direct placement, where to find birthmothers on our own and good lawyer. We live in Oakland and want to do everything by the book. anon

Failed IUI/IVF - starting to think about adoption

I am having an extremely difficult time and am looking for some guidance. My husband and I recently went through about a year and a half of IUI/IVF. We just found out that our last IVF cycle was most likely unsucessful. Many of you know how difficult this is. We have just begun to have the conversation about adoption, which we are both open to, but have no idea where to start. We would most likely be interested in adopting an infant. We aren't really sure where to start? What is the cost of adoption? Approximately ho long does the process take? I am aware that there are great variations to these questions, but right now I have NOTHING to go by and am looking for someone who has been in my shoes and could point me in the right direction. Any advice would be helpful! Thank you!

So, where to start. If you know that you want to adopt an infant, then you will need a non-profit adoption agency to handle state requirements like the home visit. There are agencies that specialize in foreign adoption, so you'd want to go with one of those if this is what you want to do. We adopted domestically because we wanted an open adoption where we could know the birth parents. I can recommend Adoption Connection (Jewish Family Services). However, we learned the hard way, after a year of waiting for a baby to adopt, that you can't really count on the agency being able to locate a baby for you. You will hear about crafting a really good ''dear birth mother'' letter, placing ads in newspapers, setting up a website, asking all your friends and relatives, etc. etc. We did all of this and more, and ended up with the occasional fishy inquiry from somewhere in Europe.

So I believe your best bet is to hire either an attorney who specializes in adoption, or an ''adoption facilitator.'' We went with the latter, and within 2 weeks of signing up, we were connected with the birth mother of our son. Caveat: adoption facilitators are for-profit and there is an uncomfortable semi-unethical aspect to it. For more info see http://www.dss.cahwnet.gov/cfsweb/pg1701.htm

The cost for our adoption was about the same as what the IVF had cost. This was a few years ago, but the two main pieces of our cost were 1) the adoption facilitator's fee, which was around 10K, and 2) the many, many pre-natal needs of our birth mother (help finding her a place to stay, help with groceries, maternity clothes, etc.) But some of our friends who adopted domestically did not have birth mother expenses, so it varies. With a foreign adoption, costs are more predictable.

The most helpful support we got was the group meetings that our adoption facilitator hosted for families waiting to adopt. There is a tendency in adoption workshops to gloss over the Expensive and the Difficult, so this was a reality check for us. I think that Adoption Connection and other organizations run similar workshops, so look in to that. Feel free to contact me if you have questions. berkeleymom

Independent Adoption Center www.adoptionhelp.org

Adoption Connection www.adoptionconnection.org

Adopt International (they also do domestic adoption) www.adoptinter.org

Costs vary but an agency adoption will cost from $15,000 to $24,000. Attorney adoptions can go as high as $50,000. Foster/Adopt (which is how I adopted) is free, but most placements are older children. Adoptive Mom

Adoption process - how to find birth mother

My husband and I have decided to seek a domestic adoption. We've done a fair amount of research and feel we have a decent understanding of the process. I'm wondering if anyone has advice on the best way to find a birth mother. What agencies have had the best success or what other successful methods of searching have people had success with? Thank you very much - any advice will be greatly appreciated! anonymous

I wanted to suggest that you find a professional photographer for your Dear Birth Mother Letter (we used Jill Doherty photography, and she was great http://www.jilldoherty.com/main.php), as well as a professional designer to put it together. We had a letter that I put together with a cover shot done by my sister with a regular camera, and had very limited success. But we re-did it, and found our birth mother.

We used Adoption Connection in SF. They were good, but our wait was long. You might also consider hiring a facilitator to shorten the wait, coordinate the adoption and provide advice & guidance. Ellen Roseman in San Anselmo is a very good one (http://adoption-facilitator.org/index.htm). Again, very best wishes!! An Adoptive Mom

If you want to work with an attorney instead check out Mark Goldman at www.adopthelp.com or Susan Romer (http://www.1-800-u-adopt-us.com/CM/Custom/Attorneys.asp) good luck

If you want to do an independent...find yourself a good adoption lawyer and get yourself a website so do some social networking! Hope that helps nash

You need to decide what situations you are willing to accept. Do you care about the race of the baby? If that is not an issue you might try PACT. What kind of drug involvement is okay or is none okay.

Friends of mine adopted a cocaine addicted baby, but they researched it, and didn't think it was a long term problem. I know quite a few people who used Diane Michelson in Walnut Creek and were very happy. I think Jewish Family and Children Services in SF is also good. I used a lawyer in LA who I think was great once I found the birthmother.

I hope you get a lot of responses because there are many ways and each situation is different. adoptive mom and loving it

You may already know this, but there are two types of open adoptions in CA: an ''agency'' adoption and an ''independent'' adoption. With an ''agency'' adoption, the adoption agency (such as the IAC) becomes the guardian of the child after he/she is born and supervises you (as the foster parent) until the adoption is final. The agency usually helps you find a birthmother. In an ''independent'' adoption, the county social services supervises the placement and the adoption can be finalized sooner. Usually a facilitator or attorney helps you find a birthmother.

Each type has its pluses and minuses. We've done one of each -- both times using a combo approach. If you'd like more info or would like to talk about some options, I'd be happy to talk/email with you. The process can be very daunting, but it's so worth it once you bring your baby home! cathy

By the way, all families in California need to complete an adoption homestudy. Families can choose to do the homestudy before they begin their search, or start the homestudy after a baby is in your home. Most professionals will suggest that you get your homestudy done pre-placement (especially as more and more families are connecting with out-of-state birthmothers where a homestudy is needed before placement).

Full disclosure: I am a East Bay parent AND an adoption social worker who has worked in public and four private agencies. If you would like to contact me directly please do. Nan

First-time adoption - which agency? which attorney?

My husband and I want to adopt. We live in the Bay Area. Does anyone have advice about which agency to go through, or which attorney to use. Advice about your experience would really help us. Many thanks.

We also used the services of Adoption Connection in SF for our homestudy and local paperwork. I am sorry to say that I have less than glowing things to say about that aspect of our experience. I would be happy to talk to you if you want more information. Just email me. Paula

We initially looked into international adoption as we'd heard all kinds of horror stories about domestic adoption, but we really wanted to be in our child's life from the moment of birth (we were present at both boy's births) and with international adoption we found that most children are at least six months old at the time of placement. We also found that the cost and paperwork for international seemed a lot greater than with domestic adoption.

We have very open adoptions and maintain contact with our sons' birth families, its been a fabulous experience. Our adoption experiences were pretty textbook. We went to the IAC, finished the paperwork and background checks in a couple months, matched with their birthmothers after a couple months, the boys were born, and we finalized their adoptions a few months later (for #1 it was 9 months from start to finish and #2 was 6 months).

We've met a bunch of other adoptive families and it sounds like our experiences were pretty standard and that the Adoption Connection process is similar. I'm happy to talk to you in more detail about our experience (the hard parts, easy parts, costs, etc.), just shoot me an email. Good luck! Christine

Thinking about adopting a third

My husband and I have been discussing adopting a child. We currently have 2 beautiful biological children ages 5&6. We are finally at a place where we are considering a third child. I am 42 years old and do not want to be pregnant at this age. What are some of the first steps one should take in the adoption process? We were hoping for some introductory meetings or sessions, that can address questions and explain the process. We think we want to do a domestic adoption or a girl from China. Also, what do adoptions cost these days? I have checked the archives and this is not addressed. Karen

I can tell you that our children were adopted through PACT. They are a non-profit (that's probably what you would want to use) located in Richmond. They are wonderful people that are very helpful. They specialize in adoption of children of color but can give you referral for international agencies and other type of adoption agencies. They offer a free orientation session. It is on their website at www.pactadopt.org (510 243-9460).We have also used Adoption Connection in San Francisco (415 359-2494).

Things you will need to do. Decide what type of adoption you want to do. International or domestic. Depending on what child you want to adopt, waiting time and financial will vary. Adoption is all about making choices for your family and life.

Read books. Pact can help you with that. They have a wonderful range of book recommendations on all topics touching adoption. Unfortunately there are no ''Adoptive Parents Association'' in the Bay Area so you have to find the information yourself. Talk to people you know who have adopted. If you want to get in touch with me, I'd be happy to share my adoption experiences with you if that would help. marie-claude

If you adopt with the county, there are basicaly no costs. During the foster period, you receive a stipend to help offset costs, and this can be anywhere from 6 months to a few years. The health care is covered by the state and, in our area, that means Childrens Hospital, which has been excellent. The best part of the whole process has been the partnership between our social worker, our son's, the health care system, and the county. All of us are looking out for the best interest of this child which has been great. I know that people give the county a bad rap with adoption because the children often come from troubled homes. But frankly, no matter how you have a child, it is always a risky thing. Our experience with the county has been full of support, cooperation, and - believe it or not - love from the other families, children, and employees that took part in the process.

If you have any questions, please give us an email and we would be happy to talk or refer you to someone in the county office. They really need loving parents to help these kids. David

Don't forget though that there's a $10,000 tax credit for adopting. That's a tax credit, not a tax deduction, so you will eventually get the full $10,000 back (actually, I think they've indexed it for inflation, so in 2003 it's a little more than $10,000), as long as your expenses were more than $10,000. So, an adoption whose up front costs are $15,000 will eventually cost you a net of $5,000. And, if you adopt a chid that is considered ''special needs'', you can get this $10,000 credit even if your expenses were less than that -- for example, even if you adopt a special needs child at no cost through the foster care system.

Someone mentioned the organization RESOLVE as a good place to start -- I agree with that advice. And they *will* give you info about the costs, if you ask!

Good luck! -- another adoptive mom

Everything we heard about adopting through the County turned out to be wrong--it would take forever, we would never get an infant, the child would have medical problems, etc, we would not get the support we needed.

We went through the parenting classes which I thought were great though kind of scary as they covered every type of ''problem'' situation you could possibly face. A child was placed with us before we even finished the classes. My husband and I were willing to consider any child--older, medical problems, drug addicted, any racial or ethnic background. Our daughter was a newborn with no medical problems or drugs in her system. She is white. The state is not allowed to consider race in placing a child and our daughter does not ''match'' us. If this is important to you then County adoption is not the way to go.

I still hate when people ask how much it cost to adopt our daughter, but the true answer for us is that it was virtually nothing. The County covered almost every cost, except for a $19 filing fee. And while she was still officially in foster care they gave us a small stipend, and covered all her medical bills (Children's Hospital--great care). Adoptive Mom

We decided early on to pursue a domestic adoption (I frankly don't remember why, we just seemed to agree on this) so we didn't spend much time researching the international route. Our original idea was to adopt one older (2-5yr) child and at the same time work on getting pregnant. However, as we learned more about the sheer number of kids in ''the system'' and the number of sibling groups who needed fost-adopt homes we decided to adopt a sibling group and not try to get pregnant ourselves.

Based on the positive experiences of a friend we contacted Partners for Adoption in Santa Rosa. It's probably a bit far for you (it was for us too) but they may be able to direct you to something closer to your house. They specialize in domestic adoptions through public and private channels in the state of California. We had an excellent experience. We did our classes, home study, search, placement and finalization all through them. They were very honest, understanding and supportive. They charge about $6,000 for their services. This is phased in at stages during the process, not all up front. You should be aware that if you choose the fost-adopt route you will receive foster care assistance payments until the adoption is finalized. In some circumstances the state provides adoption assistance payments from the time the adoption is finalized through the child's 18th birthday.

From the time we contacted the agency to the time the kids came to live with us was about 6 months. We were a bit surprised by how quick it happened! We were able to finalize the adoptions about 9 months after the kids were placed with us.

Hope this helps! Good luck