Preschooler wants to know birth story - incest

We have an adopted child who wants to know more information about her adoption story. Her biological parents are half siblings. They have the same mother but different fathers. They were both underage when the pregnancy occured. There has been speculation that the two were together multiple times and also speculation that the decision to have intercourse was not mutual. We don't know the truth. We do know that this child was born through incest. Anyone have advice on how to talk about this with our child at various age appropriate levels? She is currently preschool age. Concerned Parent

First of all, you should arm yourself with knowledge: about incest, about developmental phases in children's comprension of adoption. You could contact FAIR or Resolve for information and referrals. PACT is an organizaton for transracial adoption. Second: know that you don't have to bring up any of the sad, sordid details until your child is much much older. This will buy you some time both to prepare for the conversation and to get to know your child as she grows and evolves into an adult. It may be that it never comes up--it depends on the kid and what kind of questions she asks about her history.

A rule of thumb is to let the child drive the conversation. The incest part is hard, but my understanding is that in some circumstances (the sibs don't go up together) it's acually not pathology. There's a lot of information out there, you will have to track it down. In the mean time, just follow her lead and start w/ the basics: babies are born from a mommy's tummy; men give the sperm; different families can look different and are formed differently; a kid can have 2 mommies and one daddy, etc. Good luck. It will be hard, but with preparation, not as awful as you think. A-mom

In addition to what you share with your child, be careful what you share with others, including relatives or close friends. Can you be positive they will keep information confidential, including from your child? How do you think your child would feel if he/she knew others had details of his/her story that your child would rather keep private? How do you think your child might react if your child realizes that before he/she knew parts of his/her story all of it was known to certain relatives or non-family adults? If her story is common knowledge among your relatives or friends (even just a few) and you don't want one of them (or their kids or their acquaintances) to inadvertently inform your child of facts you have not yet shared, you're going to have share them first even if you think your child is too young to have his/her full story. If that's the case, I suggest you get some advice on what to say from an adoption professional or counselor who specializes in adoption.

We told even our closest friends and relatives only our child's general adoption story. That satisfied almost everybody. Some people--a few close to us, some just nosy strangers--tried to speculate more out of us. We just declined to discuss it even if they got bent out of shape. And some people will get very pushy. So be ready with the way you will deflect that curiosity.

Medi-Cal for out-of-state birth mother?

Hello, We are in the process of adopting a baby. The birthmother is out of state but we would like for her to give birth in California. Does anybody know if she is elgible for Medi-Cal in a public health hospital here in California? Thanks! Heather

Accepting a card from birth-father to adopted son

My 10 year old adopted son has been living with us for a little over 2 years now (since he was 7). We have explained all of his history even though he cannot remember any of it; he lived in foster care from ages 3-7. We are in contact with his birth- sister that we found (age 33) and it is positive. She is still in touch with the birth-father but our son is not. My question is that his birth-sister recently gave us a greeting card from the birth-father to our son. Should we give it to him? It is short and it says he thinks about him everyday and ends with ''your dad always...''

If we don't give it to him, it is likely he'll find out about it in the future. Will he resent us when he gets older? If we do give it to him, will he feel confused? He once said to us that if he ever got something from his birth-father he would frame it. He seems to hold his birth-father on a pedestal although he is far from belonging there, but we would never voice that. Are their any adopted adults who can shed light on this subject? Archives gave me a PACT website where I also sent this question. Help! anon

Another thing you should do is be as factual about the birth father as possible, while staying neutral. One age-appropriate thing to say is that while the B-father undoubtedly loves him, he is not perfect. He is human like everyone else and has his own set of flaws and imperfections. This won't entirely dissuade him from keeping the B-F on the pedestal, but gentle remind him of this from time to time.

Next, I don't think it is fair that you prevent him from his own growth as a person. With that will surely come a dejected feeling somewhere down the line when he learns his b-f is not perfect. This is part of life, and while it may pain you to see your little guy have to feel any hurt, you owe it to him to let him have life.

If there is a way you can contact the b-f, even if it needs to be done through the liaison, I would do so. Let him know you welcome occasional cards (Xmas, bday), and explain the impact of him trying to be in the boy's life on a regular basis. Let him know your son needs consistency and stability, and that is why you came into his life. Somehow you have to get across, without sounding judgmental, that you have his son for a reason, and that the b-f still has a ways to go. That is touchy, I know, but it has to be said some way. Encourage him to become the best person he can be so that someday, he may be able to establish a real relationship with the child he passed his genes to. Each of you has your roles. None is less than the other, but it's important to note that if the boy gets false hope, it could crush him. (He'll get through it - but this is what you convey to the b-f). anon

Now to your question, I would think that you must give the card to him. Though he never had a relationship with the birthfather, the birthfather exists, he is a real person and is part of your son's life. I admit that it may be a difficult and painful conversation, but you do not have the right to withhold this from him. anon

Personal story: I was very conflicted about telling my own first child (at age 3) that he had birthparents, because I thought it would confuse him -- but since we don't look alike I certainly didn't want him finding it out from someone else. I went to a workshop taught by an adoption professional, and came away with this: I was projecting my own problems onto my kid. I, personally, was very threatened and to some extent jealous about his birthparents. Once I set aside my hang-ups and focused on his needs--our basic job as parents--I was able to be very open and supportive about his birthparents.

The reality is, kids need all the parents they can find. Try not to feel threatened by the birth dad's existance, and try to talk about him in positive ways that don't leave your child feeling abandoned. When you can, try to stress to him how lucky he is to have so many people who love him. Tell him that parenting is a huge job, and not every birth parent is able to parent their child. That's why they need REAL parents, like us! P.S. If you haven't completed the legalities of the adoption process, get crackin'. You have may reason to feel threatened, if that is the case. Mary Ann

He will not be ''confused'' to know that another adult in his life cares about him and wishes him well. You can reassure him that you are his parents; you have taken on that role and will be his parents forever; but this does not ''erase'' his birthfamily's existence. Even if his birthfather is not taking on an active parental role, I think it is a positive thing and can only be good for your son to know that he has made this caring gesture.

Of course he would frame something given to him from his birthfather. He wants to know that even though he is going to be growing up with another family, his family of origin still cares about him. It's not an either-or situation.

So yes, yes, a thousand times yes, and if he DOES choose to frame this birthday card, I hope that you are confident and open hearted enough to accept that. Adopted Adult

Could you talk with the 33 y/o birth-sister? Or with the birthfather directly? It might be helpful to be sure that all the grown-ups are clear on expectations about appropriate relationships and expectations before there's direct communication between your son and his birthfather at this age. adult adoptee

You situation is different on many levels...in my opinion, he has the right to about the card. Let him know how lucky he is to have so many people care about him :) Reassure him that he is part of your family, you will be there for him everyday. Maybe help him write a letter back to his birth father - I can 100% guarentee your son has many questions. The first question being, why am I not with you?

I'm 32 years old and I often wonder the same thing about my birth parents... Ashlee

My mother made a wise choice as my father was just out of prison and not a very stable person; however, had he been, I would have welcomed information and letters from him. You can never have enough family.

Note: We recently adopted a child and would welcome letters from the birth parents. An adoptee

Mixed feelings about contact with the birth mother

I have two children. One was born to me and the other was adopted at birth as we were no longer able to conceive. My spouse and I have a great relationship with our younger child's birth mother --she is sweet, kind, respectful, talented and thoughtful. We see her a few times a year, as well as correspond with her. My problem is that every time we do see her, I feel some pain because my child looks so much like her (d'uh!). Her innocent comments like (''oh, I think he'll be tall like my brother'') tend to make me cry after the visit concludes.

I was the one pushing for an open adoption--my spouse at first only wanted to adopt internationally because he did not want a relationship with birth parents. But he and I now both passionately believe that openness is better for our child (and I think for the birth parents). But is it better for us? My husband says that if we were consistently meeting with the birth father (who currently does not want contact), my spouse might have the same feelings of . . . jealousy? inadequacy? that our child will love his birth parents more than us as he grows up? Have I not grieved enough because I was unable to have another biological child? I did go through IVF and could hardly bear it when it didn't work.

We have no intention of changing our visitation schedule so I am worried that as my son gets older, he'll pick up on my tension and the visits won't go as well or that it might damage his relationship with me or his birth mother. I would love any advice, books I should read, therapists I should see (!). Thanks. anon

In our case, we met both birth parents when the birth mom was only a couple months pregnant, and we visited them every two weeks throughout the pregnancy, so that we could establish a good relationship. But after our son was born, a pattern developed where we see them only once or twice a year. We also keep in touch via email and photos. They move around a lot and are frequently out of contact. They and we are interested in maintaining contact, but the infrequent contact we have now works well for everyone.

We have a little twist on our relationship with the birth parents. They have been together for many years, and before our son was born, they had placed two other of their children for adoption at birth. The two children who were adopted are 4 and 5 years older than our son, and they live in the Bay Area too. We see these other two families pretty often, which is great for us, because we can all commiserate about the birth parents that we all have in common. It's REALLY great for our kids too, who have biological siblings that look like them, in addition to their other siblings at home, some also adopted, some not (which by the way comes with some very interesting ''how are we related'' questions! Is the adopted sister of my biological brother also my sister?...)

One of the other moms told me that after her son was born, he looked so much like "Jane" the birth mom, that, to her great distress, she kept thinking of him as ''Jane's baby''. But by the time he was one, she had forgotten all about it. He's 7 years old now, and he may have looked like Jane when he was a baby, but he looks nothing like her now! We don't know who he looks like - we say that he must favor the imaginary ''Uncle Charlie''.

Our son looked exactly like "Jack", the birth father. This worried me a lot, because after all the contact we'd had with the birth parents during the pregancy, I had gotten to dislike Jack quite a lot! (This is something that you don't usually hear about much in discussions about open adoption - what if you get to know the birth parents *too* well?) So anyway, I thought, ''Oh no! What if I start disliking the baby too!'' I worried about this for the first few months and then gradually stopped thinking about it at all. Now when I look at my son, I sometimes remember how I used to think that he looked like Jack, but he is so much his own person now, and so much a part of our lives and our family, that I can no longer see the connection between him and his birth parents. If I think about it at all, now I think, ''Well, Jack must have been quite a pleasant and delightful baby. I wonder what happened!''

So, I think that what you are experiencing happens when you adopt a child, but it doesn't last for very long. You may also find that as time goes by, you have less and less contact with your child's birth mother. In our case, and this may be true of many other birth parents too, they placed their children for adoption because they just had too many problems to take on the added burden of another child. Once the baby was born, they were ready to move on with their lives. They do sincerely care about their children, and want to stay in touch, but they really are not that interested in being a part of ''the family'' or in getting together on a regular basis - they have their own lives.

All the best to you, and hope you are enjoying your new baby.

Post adoption kinship agreements

Getting ready to enter into a post adoption and kinship agreement with the birthmother of our adopted daughter. As of 1/1/03, the agreement is legally enforceable and part of the finalization docs filed with the court. Being advised by the agency not to worry because the adoption cannot be overtuned for failure to live to terms of agreement. Concerned, however, that over time both mine and birthmom's circumstances could change and I could find myself in litigation over interpretation of the agreement. Am I being unreasonable in my concerns? How do I assess the risk of litigation 10 or 15 years down the road?