Adoption after having Biological Children
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Adoption after having Biological Children
June 2006
I have always seriously considered adopting an older girl
(between 5 and 7) and would love to hear about people4s
experience as we are hoping to start the process this year. I
have 2 daughters (11 and 14). The youngest is very receptive.
The oldest is excited at times but also explicitly talks about
being jealous and that our interest in a third child reveals
that we are not happy enough with the children we have. She also
begs us to adopt an older sister for her, which for us is pretty
much out of the question (we want a child who will be living
with us for awhile). I would be interested in hearing about
other family4s adoption experiences of children in this age
range or older. Are there books that you found helpful? If you
had older children, how did that go? I would love to hear about
your experiences in the family and as parents. Thanks for your
help!
Though it is wonderful that you would consider adopting a child,
especially an older child--a rare occuerence--it sounds as thought your
older daughter is a bit hostle to the idea. Though I doubt that you are
adopting another child because you aren't satisfied with the ones you
have, and I would be confindent in saying that your older daughter is
probably going through the rebel-against-your-parents-and-claim-
they-hate-you teenage phase, I would hold off on adopting if your
daughter feels very strongly. For an adopted child to come into a
family, knowing that she could just as easily not be there, and to have
someone who obviously doesn't want them there, could be very
tramatizing. It might be hard on everyone if you do this while there are
such strong feelings of resentment.
Also, a thought: Are you set on adopting a girl? Do you know the child
you are considering adopting? Because, an older girls are often less
jealous when they have little brothers that little sisters, in terms of
attention, because parents tend to regard them differently, to the
attention she gets isn't really withdrawn from Anna
I really think this might be related to
your daughter's age, not as much about her feelings about a new sibling.
We adopted a baby when our older kids were 15 and 18. The 18 year old was
enthusiastic all the way, but the 15 year old was very negative. At first,
when we first began discussing adoption, he claimed to be indifferent
("I don't care - it's your
baby, not mine.") As the birth date grew closer he began reminding
us frequently
"I hate babies." For the first few months after we brought the baby home,
he complained bitterly about the crying, the dirty diapers, the clutter of
baby equipment, etc. Then suddenly, when
the baby was around 6 months old, he
made a complete turnaround. He began playing
with the baby, getting it to chirp and giggle, bragging about it to his friends,
and using it to impress girlfriends, and he's been a proud big brother ever since.
As soon as the baby began interacting, he got interested in him. I
realized some time later my 15-year-old had been showing a little bit of sibling rivalry.
I never expected it - I thought he was too old. But in retrospect,
15 is a tough age, and this was a big change for him to adapt to.
Now, 5 years later, nobody in the family would have it any other way than
the way we brought the little one into our lives.
So I would say that you shouldn't give up on
the idea of adoption just because your daughter is being a little negative, but
do be aware that it may be tough for her at first.
Dec 2004
I am looking for advice or experiences from people who have
adopted a second child after having a biological child. There
was one post in the archives, but it didn't really give me much
sense of what some of the issues might be and how they can be
addressed. Are there particular problems that people
experience, and if so, how do you deal with them? It's easy to
imagine that the adopted younger sibling might go through some
pretty difficult emotions as he or she grows into understanding
the fact of adoption, and we're wondering if this is made more
accute or difficult because the older sibling is not adopted.
Of course, we'd love to hear some positive stories too: this is
a huge decision we're trying to make, and essentially, we want
to feel informed and confident about it.
Thanks!
Prospective adoptive parents
I don't have any personal experience with adopting a second child
after having your own biological child, but you might enjoy
reading a column written by a mom who has done just that. Her
name is Deesha Thomas and she writes a column on
www.literarymama.com, called ''The Girl is Mine.'' (See
http://www.literarymama.com/columns/thegirlismine/) Her column
is all about the joys and challenges of adopting a second child,
with a biological first child.
Good luck-
Jennifer
I thought I'd give you the perspective of an adopted child. My
situation is a little different than yours in that I was
adopted first and then my mother conceived a biological child
with a second partner. I always knew I was adopted (couldn't
point to a specific moment because I think my mom always talked
about it matter of factly - e.g. as another answer to the
question of where do babies come from. I never thought it was
unusual or made me less my mother's child. In fact, I felt
really special growing up, because my mother chose to be my
mother and she lucked out when they allowed her to care for
me.
When my mother introduced me, she referred to me as her
daughter and when my brother came along, she referred to us as
her children. I think you have the power to make your choice to
adopt another child be something normal, matter of fact, akin
to adopting as another way of getting a child (rather than
choosing to conceive a child and give birth, you are choosing
to adopt. If you are worried about your older child my advice
is to treat the situation like you would if you were pregnant
and they were about to become an older sibling.
Just as an aside, I am fully grown, have a biological child of
my own, am totally grateful to my biological mother for
choosing adoption, and totally consider my adopted mother to
belong to me. I'm well adjusted (mostly), and if I ever meet my
bio mom, it won't be to fill a void. I think that's because my
adopted mom was able to love me as her daughter even while
telling my the truth about my circumstances. She allowed me to
talk about it openly and honestly, but always made sure I knew
that she considered me to be as connected to her as if I came
from her belly. I got through my whole teenage life without
once saying to her ''you're not my mother'' because I didn't even
consider that to be a true statement. I hope you do decide to
adopt! Good luck with your decision.
Jen
I adopted a baby after having two biological children. The first
thing I want to tell you is: everyone loves a baby. I wondered if
some of my older relatives would treat my adopted son differently
from the other two boys, but this did not happen at all. They
were all to the person delighted to have a baby in the family,
even my old set-in-her-ways granny, and it seemed not to matter
at all where the baby ''came from'', so much did they enjoy having
him around. Every once in a while, the topic of adoption comes up
at family gatherings, but never anything like ''your adopted son
and your real sons'' -- it's always in the context of ''cousin
so-and-so is trying to adopt a baby too''. My two older boys
accepted their new brother immediately and without reservation as
their baby brother and this is how he is introduced to their
friends. He is almost 4, and just starting to ask questions about
his birth. But I have always found that if I just answer
matter-of-factly, kids are very accepting of simple facts. I say
''your brothers grew in my stomach and you grew in Betty's
stomach.'' He just says ''Oh'' and then moves on to a different
topic. There are plenty of complicated topics besides this,
still to come: my older boys have a different daddy (first
marriage), son #3 has two biological siblings adopted by two
other families that we see frequently (his ''other'' brother and
sister), and so on. These things seem complicated to us adults,
because we think of the Ozzie and Harriet model of the nuclear
family, but to a child who has no such preconceptions, they are
all perfectly acceptable examples of a family. And aren't we
lucky to live in a place where all these variations, and more,
are in ready abundance.
As an adopted child I wanted to give you my viewpoint. I was
adopted with my brother from Korea and my parents had two
biological children. They were both older and out of the house
when we were adopted. My brother never adjusted and moved out
of the house on bad terms at 18. I adjusted very well and was
thrilled to have a new home. We both knew our parents favored
their biological children. I say 'knew' and not 'felt'
because, although they said they loved us equally and we didn't
really have to compete for their attention since their 'real'
kids were moved out, a time came for my parents to chose sides
and they chose thier biological daughter. I won't go into
detail about the event but I will say that they should have
chose to side with me because I was the victim but their
biological link to their daughter outweighed their sense of
morality. Of course you could be different, no doubt, but let
me warn you, no matter how much you tell your adopted child you
love them equally, they may, way deep down inside feel that
that is not true. It think it is an impossible feeling to
shake especially when the child is being yelled at. It's so
easy to assume unfair treatment because you are adopted. So I
guess I have to say, don't make them feel different. Try your
hardest to treat your children equally, check yourself because
you might accidently find yourself favoring your biological
child, I think it's easier to do than you may think. My mother
unwittinglly through words and actions, often made me feel less
loved than her biological children, though she always told be
she love me equally. I never believed her. Good Luck, I hope
you have kind and patient hearts.
Betsy
P.S. One thing I always hated were people's comments on how
nice it was of my parents to adopt me. It made me feel like a
charity case.
I would recommend contacting Ellen Roseman, a well respected
adoption facilitator in Marin county. Ellen is mother to both
biological and adopted children, and very open and supportive to
others. Her phone number is 415-453-0902.
best wishes,
phylis
Nov 2004
We have two children by birth, aged 5 and 3, and wish to adopt
a 3rd child. We prefer a domestic open adoption of a newborn.
I am wondering what our chances are of being matched - as I
have reviewed profiles of waiting families online, it seems
that most either have no children or one child. Has anyone had
any experience adopting a 3rd child, and did you go through an
agency or adoption facilitator? How long was your wait? I
understand that average waits may be a year or more. We can
wait, but would like to think there is a good chance of success
in the end. Thanks!
We are in the process of adopting our first child, domestically,
through Adopt International in San Francisco -- they do both
domestic and international placement. I firmly believe that all
families get matched with the right baby for them, though some
may take longer than others. There may be a young birthmother
out there who came from a family of three children and really
wants the same for her child!
Some advantages of international adoption are that you know up
front the cost and the timing, so that may be a good choice for
you. Alternately, if you don't mind the uncertainty, open
domestic adoption provides a wonderful opportunity to remain in
touch with your baby's birthmother or birthparents, for health
questions and to help your adopted child understand his/her
history.
Almost all of Adopt International's families have babies within
12 months of finishing their paperwork; they keep very careful
statistics. Many, many large families have built their families
through adoption.
We started our adoption research with Resolve, by going to their
pre-adopt seminar, and joining them and getting recommendations
for well-run, honest agencies, and I recommend that route as
well.
Good luck!
Tamar
One of my friends adopted a third child last year, and it seemed
to go really smoothly for them, although my friend thought it
was little weird that they were required to take parenting
classes before they were approved. They had two boys, and
dreamed of a girl - adoption was the only sure way! Now they
have a lovely daughter who is almost 2 in addition to two
wonderful sons, 4 and 6.
I work at a non profit private foster care and adoption agency.
In my experience the number of children you have is only one
consideration when looking at a family. Other things that are
closely considered are: is there a stay at home parent? How much
time off work with the parents be able to take following the
child's arrival? Support (i.e. family, friends, etc...) In our
agency we have been able to place babies with families quickly,
they are usually children of color, who were drug exposed, and
might still have a chance of being reunified with their
families. Foster-adoption may not be what you are looking for,
but I imagine the considerations I mentioned above are similar
for most adoption agencies.
Sarah
June 1999
We are an inter-racial / inter-national couple (in the sense of different
citizenship, my partner is a US citizen, I'm not) who currently live in the
Bay Area and are considering adoption for our second child. Our son is two
and a quarter. We have started to look around and if we do go ahead with
this will most probably adopt either from my home country or the
foster-adopt program here. However, I would very much like to hear from
others who have adopted a second child after having had the first. I only
know two couples who have done this--both of whom do not live here. While
the parents themselves don't seem to be having any significant problems (the
kids are still young) one set of grandparents treat the children
differently, which is creating friction. What are the other kinds of issues
that come up? Any information/advice that you can share will be very much
appreciated.
I have been on the adoption mailing list listed below for about 5 yrs. This
would be a good list to post your question. There are a number of people on
the list who have done this exact thing and I am sure you will receive good
advice. Good luck!
http://maelstrom.stjohns.edu/archives/adoption.html
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