Adopt a girl the same age as our biological son?

We have a 4.5 year old boy and a 7 month boy and are thinking about picking up where we left off on an Ethiopian adoption prior to getting pregnant with #2. The wait is 1-6 months for a referral and say 3 months to pick up the baby.

To me, the idea of having them be similar ages seemed great. We were going for a girl, so I thought that they would be so different they wouldn't compete.

But, there is a very real chance the baby will be pretty close to our little baby in age... maybe 5-6 months apart and I just read all of this really negative stuff about virtual twinning. In my gut, I think it will all go swimmingly. Our household is loving and fun and stimulating.

Any thoughts would be most helpful... especially based on first-hand experience. Conjecture... not as helpful. Thanks.

My brother and I get along fine, we had and continue to have a warm, funny, loving family relationship, and I can't speak to his perspective on this, but I think looking back that the inadvertent twinning we received from outside the family was not great for either of us, and we were both full bio siblings. Maybe it would have been different if we had been younger when it happened, or both been boys, had completely divergent interests, or any number of other factors. My advice to you is, by all means adopt, but let each child be separate enough to have their own life. reluctant twin

The only problem was living in a racist Midwestern town - there were times when I just wanted to blend in with the white masses instead of being harassed for having a ''strange'' family. This caused some strife between us.

You shouldn't have that problem in Berkeley! Nevertheless we survived that and were very close. He died as a young man, over 20 years ago - I still sorely miss him. best of luck anon

Adopting a girl with three older bio sons

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have three boys, ages 9, 7, and 5. We are thinking about adopting a little girl, and I would really like some honest advice.

We have always had adoption in the back of our minds, but I have been thinking about it a lot lately. We have a lot we could offer a child. But I am also worried about the risks. We would probably adopt through the county - a child of a different race, and possibly a toddler. Basically whatever we could get, we would take (though no severe developmental or health problems). Are we crazy? Our boys are all doing really, really well and our family is really happy. We have excellent schools, we do tons of sports, and though we're not rich, we are comfortable.

I want to make things better, not worse for our family. I think a child could add so much to our lives and would enrich all of us. And we would in turn give so much to the child of course.

Does anyone have any experience - either positive or negative? Any advice? I'm really confused about how seriously we should be pursuing this. anon

First, you may want to do some research on Transracial Adoption. PACT in Oakland has fantastic workshops that are very thought-provoking and honest. http://www.pactadopt.org/

Second, it is important to speak with other families who have adopted children from the foster care/social services system. MANY children have found their forever families through county placements, and it is a wonderful, beautiful way to grow your family. But just remember that there are so many more pieces to this puzzle. Your child's birth family, history, and journey so far, will all play important roles in their/your life. Often, older children who are adopted through county social services have been removed from their biological families due to abuse/neglect, etc. Some of these relinquishments (termination of birth family's rights) were voluntary, and many were involuntary. This means that these children may have histories of trauma, and will need some very special TLC and support. Make sure that you have access to this support, and that you are committed to helping them heal. There are some wonderful fost-adopt agencies in the Bay Area. I would recommend doing some research and talking to the County Adoption Department in your area. They usually have workshops to help prospective adoptive families explore the next steps of the process. Good luck, and best wishes! anonymous

I strongly encourage you to discuss this with a social worker, or attend one of those open adoption meetings the county puts on. There, they can answer questions for you. And perhaps a social worker could put you in touch with other parents who have adopted children in the system, so that you have a more realistic perspective of the affects on your family, and the various issues children in the system come with. It's not like you can return the child if not completely satisfied!

I'm an adoptive parent. i've never experienced childbirth or pregnancy. Adoptive parents have no 9-month physical connection that birth mothers do. I thought I was going to lose my mind with worry and uncertainty. Birthmothers know that after 9 months, whether the child wants to or not, they're coming into this world and your life. During the process of adoption, there is no time period. It could be quick, or longer than 9 months, and the whole time there's nothing that helps you track the progress, such as a bigger belly every month. just when you've jumped through one hoop, there's always another to endure.

I hope you get some good responses here, because your posting was worrisome to me. It reminded me of hearing people that talk about getting a puppy, but don't really get the lifelong responsibility associated with that adoption.

But just for the record, becoming the parent of my son is the best thing I've ever done, and I am committed to doing right by him everyday! good luck. anon

My experience has been very positive. The first year or so was challenging, as it would be for anyone with a young child. My son was a little over a year old and had some significant health issues (most of which have been resolved, and he is now a normal, bright and active toddler). He needed a lot of love and attention, not just from me, but from my extended family. He has enriched our lives and he is a beloved member of the family, even though he does not look exactly like us.

If you are ready, and your kids are ready to focus on the child in the same way you would focus on bringing any new child into your family (biological or otherwise) -- then I would say you are ready. It will take time to adjust, and there may be jealousy about the attention she is getting and all the other things that happen with a new family member. The physical problems she may have will add to your need to focus on her, but if your children are prepared, and on board, you will have the opportunity to forever change the lucky little girl's life for the best.

I don't think you will regret it. I don't know anyone in the adoption community who does regret a moment of their decision. It may be difficult, but like anything worthwhile (and any other addition to the family) you will not be able to imagine your life without her. She will be a blessing like our son is for us. anon

I could handle some things better than others. ADHD kids don't bother me too much -- I can do the breaking things down to small pieces, be disciplined about keeping them focussed, etc. The personality stuff that makes kids act like jerks drives me batty.

Anyway, I've seen it happen with bio kids, mom ate organic during pregnancy, etc. But, my guess is that it's more likely with kids from the County. Now, this isn't an argument for getting kids from oversees (where some people seem to think there are fewer potential problems). From what I've seen, I totally don't buy that.

I find that parents who have won the kid-lottery often think they're responsible because of good parenting. Sometimes there are things I privately disagree with about what parents do with their difficult kids, but in truth it's obvious that ain't the problem. Studies show that people with good kids have a much happier parenting experience.

I guess my point is that if you've had good luck with your boys, just think about how much it will disrupt things if you have a difficult kid, cause you could get one -- however she comes. If you want to go forward with getting a kid from the County, ask the moderator for my address. We've been through it and have some insights to make the process easier. anon

We were naive about the reality of what we were getting into when we adopted. I think if your family is working well right now, you need to be aware of what can happen if you bring someone new into the mix. You might consider a consultation with Nancy Verrier, an adoption specialist/therapist in Lafayette. We found out about her only a few years ago and the consultation we had with her was extremely helpful. She also has written some books, you might take a look at.

I think it is great that you are gathering as much information as you can and deeply considering your motives. I know that we have provided a good life for our son and people always say that he is lucky to be with us, but it has not been easy nor joyful a lot of the time. I am grateful for him and I have grown in ways I could have never imagined but the price has been high. I am happy to talk to you further about this, if that would be helpful to you. Marika

If you are considering becoming a transracial family, you will definitely want to look into PACT, an Oakland based agency that specializes in transracial adoption and education. They have a very informative web site. www.pactadopt.org

Teen daughter is a bit hostile to the idea of adopting another child

I have always seriously considered adopting an older girl (between 5 and 7) and would love to hear about people4s experience as we are hoping to start the process this year. I have 2 daughters (11 and 14). The youngest is very receptive. The oldest is excited at times but also explicitly talks about being jealous and that our interest in a third child reveals that we are not happy enough with the children we have. She also begs us to adopt an older sister for her, which for us is pretty much out of the question (we want a child who will be living with us for awhile). I would be interested in hearing about other family4s adoption experiences of children in this age range or older. Are there books that you found helpful? If you had older children, how did that go? I would love to hear about your experiences in the family and as parents. Thanks for your help!

Is it harder on the second adopted child if older child is biological?

I am looking for advice or experiences from people who have adopted a second child after having a biological child. There was one post in the archives, but it didn't really give me much sense of what some of the issues might be and how they can be addressed. Are there particular problems that people experience, and if so, how do you deal with them? It's easy to imagine that the adopted younger sibling might go through some pretty difficult emotions as he or she grows into understanding the fact of adoption, and we're wondering if this is made more accute or difficult because the older sibling is not adopted. Of course, we'd love to hear some positive stories too: this is a huge decision we're trying to make, and essentially, we want to feel informed and confident about it. Thanks! Prospective adoptive parents

When my mother introduced me, she referred to me as her daughter and when my brother came along, she referred to us as her children. I think you have the power to make your choice to adopt another child be something normal, matter of fact, akin to adopting as another way of getting a child (rather than choosing to conceive a child and give birth, you are choosing to adopt. If you are worried about your older child my advice is to treat the situation like you would if you were pregnant and they were about to become an older sibling. Just as an aside, I am fully grown, have a biological child of my own, am totally grateful to my biological mother for choosing adoption, and totally consider my adopted mother to belong to me. I'm well adjusted (mostly), and if I ever meet my bio mom, it won't be to fill a void. I think that's because my adopted mom was able to love me as her daughter even while telling my the truth about my circumstances. She allowed me to talk about it openly and honestly, but always made sure I knew that she considered me to be as connected to her as if I came from her belly. I got through my whole teenage life without once saying to her ''you're not my mother'' because I didn't even consider that to be a true statement. I hope you do decide to adopt! Good luck with your decision. Jen

Adopting a third child; we have two children by birth

We have two children by birth, aged 5 and 3, and wish to adopt a 3rd child. We prefer a domestic open adoption of a newborn. I am wondering what our chances are of being matched - as I have reviewed profiles of waiting families online, it seems that most either have no children or one child. Has anyone had any experience adopting a 3rd child, and did you go through an agency or adoption facilitator? How long was your wait? I understand that average waits may be a year or more. We can wait, but would like to think there is a good chance of success in the end. Thanks!

Almost all of Adopt International's families have babies within 12 months of finishing their paperwork; they keep very careful statistics. Many, many large families have built their families through adoption. We started our adoption research with Resolve, by going to their pre-adopt seminar, and joining them and getting recommendations for well-run, honest agencies, and I recommend that route as well. Good luck! Tamar

Considering adoption for a second child

We are an inter-racial / inter-national couple (in the sense of different citizenship, my partner is a US citizen, I'm not) who currently live in the Bay Area and are considering adoption for our second child. Our son is two and a quarter. We have started to look around and if we do go ahead with this will most probably adopt either from my home country or the foster-adopt program here. However, I would very much like to hear from others who have adopted a second child after having had the first. I only know two couples who have done this--both of whom do not live here. While the parents themselves don't seem to be having any significant problems (the kids are still young) one set of grandparents treat the children differently, which is creating friction. What are the other kinds of issues that come up? Any information/advice that you can share will be very much appreciated.